the single life...ugh

This forum made possible through the generous support of SDN members, donors, and sponsors. Thank you.
Status
Not open for further replies.
x
Members don't see this ad.
 
Last edited:
@charmiedermie ...I mean I don't know when a good time would be to start anything even if I had the option. The path doesn't get easier from here on out. You and fancy are right. Med school ain't the best time to catch up on all this but I don't think I'll ever find a great time.
 
Members don't see this ad :)
  • Like
Reactions: 1 user
2019mdtobe said:
@charmiedermie ...I mean I don't know when a good time would be to start anything even if I had the option. The path doesn't get easier from here on out. You and fancy are right. Med school ain't the best time to catch up on all this but I don't think I'll ever find a great time.
Click to expand...
I was speaking more generally. I know there are some very conservative households who believe dating in middle school or high school is a waste of time, or it's just another name for sex, but the truth is it isn't. It teaches you how to behave in a relationship and how to read and deal with people, and at a younger age, the consequences aren't as great in terms of career, when it comes to the emotional stuff.

I think it's fine that you start dating for the very first time as a 23 yo in med school, but just be very careful to not let emotional relationship problems affect your grades and boards, when the stress will be higher.
 
I'm in the same boat as y'all, OP and NTS. It is what it is. Don't let it define who you are.
 
charmiedermie said:
I was speaking more generally. I know there are some very conservative households who believe dating in middle school or high school is a waste of time, or it's just another name for sex, but the truth is it isn't. It teaches you how to behave in a relationship and how to read and deal with people, and at a younger age, the consequences aren't as great in terms of career, when it comes to the emotional stuff.

I think it's fine that you start dating for the very first time as a 23 yo in med school, but just be very careful to not let emotional relationship problems affect your grades and boards, when the stress will be higher.
Click to expand...


My dad wouldn't have let me have a boyfriend in middle school or really even high school, which is probably why I dealt with the nonsense in my past relationship for as long as I did. I think if my kids came home with a bf or gf before ninth grade I would be pretty not thrilled but I don't think I would forbid it. Unless school or grades started to slip and then they are getting sent to boarding school in the homeland(jk)
 
  • Like
Reactions: 1 user
charmiedermie said:
I was speaking more generally. I know there are some very conservative households who believe dating in middle school or high school is a waste of time, or it's just another name for sex, but the truth is it isn't. It teaches you how to behave in a relationship and how to read and deal with people, and at a younger age, the consequences aren't as great in terms of career, when it comes to the emotional stuff.

I think it's fine that you start dating for the very first time as a 23 yo in med school, but just be very careful to not let emotional relationship problems affect your grades and boards, when the stress will be higher.
Click to expand...

Why wouldn't it be fine? He can't change his past. It's not like he shouldn't even bother dating now because he didn't when he was younger...
 
do you guys really have that little game
i can't even tell you how many times i've seen a 23 yo g3p2 on welfare
 
OP, I think what we..or at least I.. am trying to say that if you have no prior relationship experience, first year of med school is probably a tough time to start trying. While successfully balancing out the rest of your life, which is about to get really tough really fast. Could you potentially meet a great girl who you end up marrying? Maybe. But it's more likely that you might get distracted and caught up in dating or relationships and might not know when to gtfo *because* of your lack of previous experience. It's one thing to struggle in school bc it's difficult and stressful and maybe some things are harder for you than others and a completely different thing to be academically struggling bc of an overly needy clingy insecure girlfriend/boyfriend/SO/whatever.

If your family finding you a girl or introducing you to people is what makes you feel comfortable, do it.
 
  • Like
Reactions: 3 users
Members don't see this ad :)
Psai said:
do you guys really have that little game
i can't even tell you how many times i've seen a 23 yo g3p2 on welfare
Click to expand...

Meh I wasn't allowed to date when I was younger. Parents were from Pakistan and didn't like American culture, especially not gender mixing. Besides I was shy and obese. So all of this has contributed to me not having game.

My gameplan for now is to just fake it till I make it. Basically I won't let any woman know about my lack of experience and just do it when the time comes. Unfortunately I think I'm getting past the point of no return.
 
NeedToStudy said:
Meh I wasn't allowed to date when I was younger. Parents were from Pakistan and didn't like American culture, especially not gender mixing. Besides I was shy and obese. So all of this has contributed to me not having game.

My gameplan for now is to just fake it till I make it. Basically I won't let any woman know about my lack of experience and just do it when the time comes. Unfortunately I think I'm getting past the point of no return.
Click to expand...

Our cricket team is better than yours. RAGE! Kidding.

My parents used to be that way about non Indian men. They've slowly accepted that I will not be marrying one. But, it took a long time.
 
fancymylotus said:
My dad wouldn't have let me have a boyfriend in middle school or really even high school, which is probably why I dealt with the nonsense in my past relationship for as long as I did. I think if my kids came home with a bf or gf before ninth grade I would be pretty not thrilled but I don't think I would forbid it. Unless school or grades started to slip and then they are getting sent to boarding school in the homeland(jk)
Click to expand...

I wouldn't forbid it per se but they're free to interpret the significance of a father with a shotgun at the door greeting their arrival
 
  • Like
Reactions: 1 users
fancymylotus said:
OP, I think what we..or at least I.. am trying to say that if you have no prior relationship experience, first year of med school is probably a tough time to start trying. While successfully balancing out the rest of your life, which is about to get really tough really fast. Could you potentially meet a great girl who you end up marrying? Maybe. But it's more likely that you might get distracted and caught up in dating or relationships and might not know when to gtfo *because* of your lack of previous experience. It's one thing to struggle in school bc it's difficult and stressful and maybe some things are harder for you than others and a completely different thing to be academically struggling bc of an overly needy clingy insecure girlfriend/boyfriend/SO/whatever.

If your family finding you a girl or introducing you to people is what makes you feel comfortable, do it.
Click to expand...
Or struggling academically because of an emotional breakup or due to a significant other being manipulative, which is my fear for OP. Without experience, you may not catch onto the signs orbounce back as well, and you don't want that stuff to affect your grades or clerkship performance.
 
  • Like
Reactions: 1 user
Psai said:
do you guys really have that little game
i can't even tell you how many times i've seen a 23 yo g3p2 on welfare
Click to expand...

Yes it's possible

My South Asian roommate somehow landed an extremely competitive investment banking job before he landed his first girlfriend haha...and this guy looks exactly like Enrique so this was all on his game being off.
 
fancymylotus said:
OP, I think what we..or at least I.. am trying to say that if you have no prior relationship experience, first year of med school is probably a tough time to start trying. While successfully balancing out the rest of your life, which is about to get really tough really fast. Could you potentially meet a great girl who you end up marrying? Maybe. But it's more likely that you might get distracted and caught up in dating or relationships and might not know when to gtfo *because* of your lack of previous experience. It's one thing to struggle in school bc it's difficult and stressful and maybe some things are harder for you than others and a completely different thing to be academically struggling bc of an overly needy clingy insecure girlfriend/boyfriend/SO/whatever.

If your family finding you a girl or introducing you to people is what makes you feel comfortable, do it.
Click to expand...

I sort of agree with you, but then when to start?

In residency? In fellowship? As a new attending? The road is hardly going to get easier for OP from now on.
Now is as good a time as any imo. Perhaps the best, even.
 
  • Like
Reactions: 1 users
My parent's didn't care. It was largely me validating myself through academics and ignoring this aspect of social life (for some its easy to do in college. Work hard during the week, spend Fri/Sat chillin with bros, repeat, u get busy and think oh ill do that later) . Although I've grown more extroverted, I was also quite introverted for a while and like NTS, quite overweight.
 
Doudline said:
I sort of agree with you, but then when to start?

In residency? In fellowship? As a new attending? The road is hardly going to get easier for OP from now on.
Now is as good a time as any imo. Perhaps the best, even.
Click to expand...

Yea unless I want to go the arranged route its probably best I do something over the next few years.
 
2019mdtobe said:
My parent's didn't care. It was largely me validating myself through academics and ignoring this aspect of social life (for some its easy to do in college. Work hard during the week, spend Fri/Sat chillin with bros, repeat, u get busy and think oh ill do that later) . Although I've grown more extroverted, I was also quite introverted for a while and like NTS, quite overweight.
Click to expand...
Just as a warning, don't only validate your self worth by academics as med school can really chew you up and spit you out and not every grade will go your way.
 
  • Like
Reactions: 1 users
charmiedermie said:
Just as a warning, don't only validate your self worth by academics as med school can really chew you up and spit you out and not every grade will go your way.
Click to expand...

.. you're worth is related to how much you bench
 
  • Like
Reactions: 2 users
fancymylotus said:
I think you're overestimating how much your future MD is going to help you in the arranged marriage (meat) market. Indian physicians aren't exactly the most unique things out there....I remember my ***** ex's parents were so all about their sons DMD and how amazing it was....and my parents were pretty much like "yeah that doesn't matter much bc she 1)has one of her own and 2)you're still a horrible person"

Maybe you'll meet people in the place your school is, that aren't in school too though?
Click to expand...


I know you didn't say this, but your tone kind of rubbed me the wrong way so let me clarify things. After speaking with OP, he is not saying "Boy..I'm a hotshot Indian doc, I can get all the ladies with my MD..." but rather is saying "I hope that my career might sell well in an arranged marriage situation and that ALONG with being a stand up guy hopefully will detract attention from my stature which otherwise would be a deal-breaker".

This has nothing to do with OP or his parents trying to impress anyone. It has to do with him coping with an arguably challenging situation (if you believe a 5' 4" man trying to get a girlfriend is harder than a 5' 11" guy trying to girlfriend all other things kept constant).
 
Last edited:
  • Like
Reactions: 1 user
^yea maybe I was unclear but backtothebasics8 summarizes things well.
 
2019mdtobe said:
@fancymylotus I'm not necessarily looking for another MD/DMD. We'll see. I have to play the cards I've got which are a good face and my education. I'm very open to a match from outside the states as well. It's not meeting people, its what comes next. For a short Indian dude, its kinda tough out here. For short dudes in general, it's tough out here.

Just gonna leave this here:

Click to expand...



I've never laughed so hard in my life. "I wouldn't date him unless the alternative were a convicted felon :O ?!?!?". This video is complete BS. I personally know multiple guys of your height with nice girlfriends. I know it's harder, but let's not turn this into a pity party.



masaraksh said:
.. you're worth is related to how much you bench
Click to expand...


Bench Press right after exam w/o caffeine (or squats for women) + Mean Z-Score (500 = mean score, SD= 100) would be better IMO :laugh:

500 = Poor
600 = Fair
700 = Average
800 = Decent
900 = Excellent
1000 = Go Ortho


As a side-note, I'm quite intrigued by the correlation between SDN/BB.com usage. I guess the communities both select for hard working individuals.
 
Last edited:
  • Like
Reactions: 1 users
Backtothebasics8 said:
I've never laughed so hard in my life. "I wouldn't date him unless the alternative were a convicted felon :O ?!?!?". This video is complete BS. I personally know multiple guys of your height with nice girlfriends. I know it's harder, but let's not turn this into a pity party.






Bench Press right after exam w/o caffeine (or squats for women) + Mean Z-Score (500 = mean score, SD= 100) would be better IMO :laugh:

500 = Poor
600 = Fair
700 = Average
800 = Decent
900 = Excellent
1000 = Go Ortho


As a side-note, I'm quite intrigued by the correlation between SDN/BB.com usage. I guess the communities both select for hard working individuals.
Click to expand...


Adjust bench to body weight by using bench/body weight ratio?
 
  • Like
Reactions: 1 user
OP this thread is useless

1) if its intimacy you seek, I've heard cadavers are GREAT listeners

2) once you're an attending you can afford one of these :

 
^thanks. these are very viable (c'mon its good and you know it) options...was referring to the blow up dolls and cadavers
 
wiggitywack12 said:
OP this thread is useless

1) if its intimacy you seek, I've heard cadavers are GREAT listeners

2) once you're an attending you can afford one of these :

Click to expand...

Oh, good. I just finished watching AI and wondered where we stood on that.
 
Hey OP, I can't help but chime in here. I'm also Indian American but I'm just about old enough to be your mom. I don't think I'm anything special in the looks department but I've never had a problem getting attention from the opposite sex and I have managed to get myself happily married with two kids. I found my spouse (who is not Indian American) through regular old dating. I think you ought to reconsider your view that an arranged marriage isn't so bad, can work for some folks, etc. ... that stuff may have been true in the generation before mine. But even by the time of my generation, things had started to change, and I can't imagine it is a reasonable option for someone of your age. Think about it -- if that girl/woman were really a catch, would she need to have her parents finding a match for her? I mean, it may be a way to get introduced to SOMEBODY but I really don't think any U.S. citizen woman you would be introduced to is going to be someone you would be all that crazy about--frankly, at your age, if a woman is submitting to that, there is most likely something "wrong" with her that prevented her from having been snapped up already. I vote that dating is worth the work and the minor risks--keep working out and being a good guy and a fun person to be with and seize the opportunity when it presents itself. For example, that girl who was flirting with you ... what are you waiting for? Yes it might get awkward with some college friend at some point but someday you are all going to forget about or laugh about those sorts of things and it won't matter at all.
 
  • Like
Reactions: 1 users
bumblebee611 said:
Hey OP, I can't help but chime in here. I'm also Indian American but I'm just about old enough to be your mom. I don't think I'm anything special in the looks department but I've never had a problem getting attention from the opposite sex and I have managed to get myself happily married with two kids. I found my spouse (who is not Indian American) through regular old dating. I think you ought to reconsider your view that an arranged marriage isn't so bad, can work for some folks, etc. ... that stuff may have been true in the generation before mine. But even by the time of my generation, things had started to change, and I can't imagine it is a reasonable option for someone of your age. Think about it -- if that girl/woman were really a catch, would she need to have her parents finding a match for her? I mean, it may be a way to get introduced to SOMEBODY but I really don't think any U.S. citizen woman you would be introduced to is going to be someone you would be all that crazy about--frankly, at your age, if a woman is submitting to that, there is most likely something "wrong" with her that prevented her from having been snapped up already. I vote that dating is worth the work and the minor risks--keep working out and being a good guy and a fun person to be with and seize the opportunity when it presents itself. For example, that girl who was flirting with you ... what are you waiting for? Yes it might get awkward with some college friend at some point but someday you are all going to forget about or laugh about those sorts of things and it won't matter at all.
Click to expand...


I know plenty of great girls from great families who agreed to meet a guy that their parents suggested, and ended up marrying him. Same with guys meeting girls that way. None of their parents forced them to marry whomever they were meeting, it was more like a "hey we know this person, we know their fam, maybe you can meet them and see what you think, if you don't like them then NBD"

I don't think that meeting someone via your parents means there must be something drastically wrong with you. But wtf do I know anyway
 
  • Like
Reactions: 3 users
fancymylotus said:
I know plenty of great girls from great families who agreed to meet a guy that their parents suggested, and ended up marrying him. Same with guys meeting girls that way. None of their parents forced them to marry whomever they were meeting, it was more like a "hey we know this person, we know their fam, maybe you can meet them and see what you think, if you don't like them then NBD"

I don't think that meeting someone via your parents means there must be something drastically wrong with you. But wtf do I know anyway
Click to expand...
Fancy-Of course the situation you are referring to is great when it works out for all involved. But I stand by my position that a woman who is 23 years old today, like OP, and with a reasonable education and okay looks, should not be needing her parents to advertise for her in an online meat market. If she does, she's probably got some limitation that makes her less able to find a partner on her own -- eg she's really boring. I simply think OP can do better on his own.
 
  • Like
Reactions: 1 user
Backtothebasics8 said:
I know you didn't say this, but your tone kind of rubbed me the wrong way so let me clarify things. After speaking with OP, he is not saying "Boy..I'm a hotshot Indian doc, I can get all the ladies with my MD..." but rather is saying "I hope that my career might sell well in an arranged marriage situation and that ALONG with being a stand up guy hopefully will detract attention from my stature which otherwise would be a deal-breaker".

This has nothing to do with OP or his parents trying to impress anyone. It has to do with him coping with an arguably challenging situation (if you believe a 5' 4" man trying to get a girlfriend is harder than a 5' 11" guy trying to girlfriend all other things kept constant).
Click to expand...

My tone about something I didn't say rubbed you the wrong way? Makes perfect sense. If you think that professional degrees aren't used as selling points by people in the Indian community, then you are living under a rock. It's a stupid thing, but it's true.

Also, I never disagreed about the OP's concerns about his height. I'm on the taller end for an indian girl and many indian guys I met are eye level or shorter than me(and I'm only 5'6).

What I did say and continue to say is that I don't think any girl or guy is worth tanking your career over. Soulmate or not. Hence why me and some others have been posting our concerns about looking for a first time relationship at the beginning of med school.
 
  • Like
Reactions: 1 user
Tired said:
Yeah, well, you aren't getting more attractive and in shape as you get older. Trust me. Snag a pretty one while you're young.
Click to expand...

heh, if you're like me and go from being really out of shape to finally hitting the weights once past intern year you do... and yes my dating prospects got a hell of a lot better after I did.

/can't do anything about the ever-enlarging bald spot though.
 
Silent Cool said:
Yes you can:

http://www.drugs.com/propecia.html

Start taking it right NOW!
Click to expand...

eh, tried it back in the day. It was more annoying than anything and made the rest of my hair feel crusty (though I didn't want to spend the $$ on the foam solution as a poor med student). Given that I'm in my 30s now, and NOT presently in the dating pool, my usual 3/8 inch buzz looks fine. Thankfully it looks like my hair is following the pattern on my mother's side, which isn't the total dome of the men on my dad's side.

edit.. youre not talking about rogaine, nevermind
 
Last edited:
just dont be that creepy guy who follows girls around nervously, constantly trying to figure out something to say and making things awkward for everyone in the room.
 
WingedOx said:
heh, if you're like me and go from being really out of shape to finally hitting the weights once past intern year you do... and yes my dating prospects got a hell of a lot better after I did.

/can't do anything about the ever-enlarging bald spot though.
Click to expand...

Actually you can, it's called going bald. Haven't you heard? Bald is sexy?
 
Are all you guys still in 2010?

1. Tinder + hundreds of other dating apps/sites including Indian specific ones

2. Play up being a doctor

3. Cast a wide net
 
I've never understood the " play up being a doctor" sentiment that is always common in threads like this.

by definition, the people that would only become interested in you after finding out you're a doctor are the people you wouldn't want a relationship with.
 
  • Like
Reactions: 1 users
PL198 said:
I've never understood the " play up being a doctor" sentiment that is always common in threads like this.

by definition, the people that would only become interested in you after finding out you're a doctor are the people you wouldn't want a relationship with.
Click to expand...



Stop making so much sense.
 
  • Like
Reactions: 1 user
fancymylotus said:
My tone about something I didn't say rubbed you the wrong way? Makes perfect sense. If you think that professional degrees aren't used as selling points by people in the Indian community, then you are living under a rock. It's a stupid thing, but it's true.

Also, I never disagreed about the OP's concerns about his height. I'm on the taller end for an indian girl and many indian guys I met are eye level or shorter than me(and I'm only 5'6).

What I did say and continue to say is that I don't think any girl or guy is worth tanking your career over. Soulmate or not. Hence why me and some others have been posting our concerns about looking for a first time relationship at the beginning of med school.
Click to expand...

Tone and denotation are two separate things by definition so it does make perfect sense. Maybe I read too much into what you said earlier. Anyways, doesn't matter so sorry for being snarky. I understand professional degrees are selling points among desis but all I'm saying is that when it's merely being used to detract attention away from a less meritocratic prejudice (stature), assuming OP is an otherwise good person, I think it's absolutely acceptable.

As for OP, if he follows the advice I posted up there which is similar to yours, he won't go wrong.
 
PL198 said:
I've never understood the " play up being a doctor" sentiment that is always common in threads like this.

by definition, the people that would only become interested in you after finding out you're a doctor are the people you wouldn't want a relationship with.
Click to expand...
bumblebee611 said:
Hey OP, I can't help but chime in here. I'm also Indian American but I'm just about old enough to be your mom. I don't think I'm anything special in the looks department but I've never had a problem getting attention from the opposite sex and I have managed to get myself happily married with two kids. I found my spouse (who is not Indian American) through regular old dating. I think you ought to reconsider your view that an arranged marriage isn't so bad, can work for some folks, etc. ... that stuff may have been true in the generation before mine. But even by the time of my generation, things had started to change, and I can't imagine it is a reasonable option for someone of your age. Think about it -- if that girl/woman were really a catch, would she need to have her parents finding a match for her? I mean, it may be a way to get introduced to SOMEBODY but I really don't think any U.S. citizen woman you would be introduced to is going to be someone you would be all that crazy about--frankly, at your age, if a woman is submitting to that, there is most likely something "wrong" with her that prevented her from having been snapped up already. I vote that dating is worth the work and the minor risks--keep working out and being a good guy and a fun person to be with and seize the opportunity when it presents itself. For example, that girl who was flirting with you ... what are you waiting for? Yes it might get awkward with some college friend at some point but someday you are all going to forget about or laugh about those sorts of things and it won't matter at all.
Click to expand...

This is a strong post and it brings up good points to contradict what I was saying earlier. You're right that OP should not rely on the arranged marriage, but I think we're still all in agreement that he's better off focusing on other things ATM but OP, definitely hit that girl up that you were talking about on page 1/2.
 
DokterMom said:
-- Is she way-out-of-your-league- hot? Those girls tend to be the most frequent shameless attention hussies.
Click to expand...
I resent this
charmiedermie said:
I was speaking more generally. I know there are some very conservative households who believe dating in middle school or high school is a waste of time, or it's just another name for sex, but the truth is it isn't. It teaches you how to behave in a relationship and how to read and deal with people, and at a younger age, the consequences aren't as great in terms of career, when it comes to the emotional stuff.

I think it's fine that you start dating for the very first time as a 23 yo in med school, but just be very careful to not let emotional relationship problems affect your grades and boards, when the stress will be higher.
Click to expand...
Seriously. Women in their 20s, especially in medical school, don't have the time or the want to train a boyfriend. That's a job that some other girl should have done years ago. And that goes for the reverse as well. Everyone is a big dummy when it comes to their first real relationship because they don't know what the hell they are doing and most of the time it crashes and burns. Sorry to drop that truth bomb on your pity party
PL198 said:
I've never understood the " play up being a doctor" sentiment that is always common in threads like this.

by definition, the people that would only become interested in you after finding out you're a doctor are the people you wouldn't want a relationship with.
Click to expand...
For realsies.
 
  • Like
Reactions: 1 user
2019mdtobe said:
Incoming 23 y/o indian american MS1 who has been single for forever. I should have busted a move back in HS and college but I told myself "Hit the books, worry about all that later". Back in HS and college I was also pretty d*mn fat and combine that with my height (5ft 4)....I wasn't going to be getting any anyway. I didn't have much (in terms of family income) growing up and was just grateful to have the chance to attend a great undergrad. I wanted to make the most of it and like a clown told myself there would be time for relationships later.

Thankfully, over the past gap year since graduation, I've lost almost all that weight, have been putting on some muscle, and have been updating my clothes (kinda necessary because all the old stuff doesn't fit anyway). I'm determined to be more social come fall and hopefully someone (classmates, undergrads, someone in the area) might click. Yet I do feel, and am, painfully inexperienced. I'm a pretty funny guy (short & fat for quite a while= good at jokes), am alright in terms of looks besides my height (you are a cruel master genetics). I'm also feeling a bit more confident about myself in general considering my weight loss and that I was able to go from a solid undergrad to a solid med school. I.e. it feels good to be somewhat accomplished (I'm not a physician yet of course but I feel I have achieved something, even if it's small) Have any students found themselves in a similar situation? I feel I've gotta change it up. This is a long road and I can't keep delaying this part of life forever. Your thoughts, mockery, advice, tips, suggestions, etc all welcome.

note: I made a similar thread in spouses and partners but this is a bit different as I'm trying to ask my soon to be fellow classmates. I don't
Click to expand...

hey man easiest thing you can do is just start talking to girls/people. There really isn't a magic trick but some good tips are just be polite and understanding towards girls. You can build a rep that will spread through your class and then after you make friends they will introduce you to people and then all that practice you got with talking to girls will just work itself and in no time you will find yourself a partnet
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Next unread thread

Similar threads

V
How do single residents who are 28/29ish cope
Replies
8
Views
2K
ProReduction
P
C
How do I cope with my dead social life?
Replies
18
Views
1K
RunsOnCaffeine
R
K
Can I be a CT surgeon and still have a life?
Replies
17
Views
2K
LucidSplash
LucidSplash
D
Two LORs from a single rotation?
Replies
7
Views
1K
deleted1129181
D
A
Social life in med school
Replies
26
Views
3K
ortnakas
ortnakas
Top