Parents unhappy with my specialty choice. Wat do?

[general admission]

A somewhat unique issue. Some background:

American born, but with a foreign background. Currently an M3. Mom is a physician. They were very pushy academically, and raised me here to give me a better life. I owe everything to them, and we have an amazing, close relationship. They partly funded my education - particularly my entire first year of school. They still pay for my housing. That said, they have some views I don't agree with.

I was originally going for a very competitive specialty. Made connections, done/doing research etc. After rotating in it and giving it a lot of thought, I've decided to focus on Internal Medicine. I love a lot about it, and really was just all around happier doing that than the other field. Coming to this conclusion took a lot of introspection. My parents, however, were NOT happy to hear this. "I hope you can do something better than that" and "Ugh, the lowest students typically go into that". Everytime I bring it up, they're dismissive and even mean to me and make snide comments like that. They still don't think I'm serious about choosing it.

I've wanted to be a doc my whole life and always have done well. It would crush me not to make them happy in the end. It's really getting me down and making me feel bad about choosing IM as a career (I know it shouldn't). What do I do here to make things better between us? Or is there nothing I can do?

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[CrimsonKing]

Do what you want. /thread

 

[Roxas]

You think that's bad? My mom still doesn't believe DOs are real doctors.

 

[general admission]

Do what you want. /thread

I've already established that I'm going to do that. How do I deal both my internal feelings of "could've done better" and consistently disparaging comments from people whom you hold in the highest regard?

You think that's bad? My mom still doesn't believe DOs are real doctors.

Lol! Neither does mine haha.

Are you interested in an IM subspecialty? Maybe if you put in the perspective of, "What if I said I was going into cardiology instead?" and see if that changes their perception. Because a lot of people are going into IM with the thought of subspecializing, and those are just completely different in terms of practice.

Great input man, good to hear from somebody in a similar position. Yes, I probably want to specialize. Heme/Onc, Cards, GI etc are very appealing to me. I just don't want to regret this decision for the rest of my life. I could force myself to do something else that's not my original field like rads or optho and have more money and "prestige" as well as my parent's approval. Also I wouldn't be "wasting my good scores". But as I've heard a million times, I'm not gonna do something for the wrong reasons. I don't wanna play games with the rest of my life. That said, I'm still not 100% sure of myself going into IM, because the doubts are still there. Part of this has got to be my ego, and that bugs me :/

 

[Lattes]

Well, if you have the aim of specializing later on, by doing a fellowship in some subspeciality, I don't understand why would your parents see that as a bad thing. Maybe they think that you want to become simply an internist?

 

[MedicalBeast]

you could pay me a million dollars and I still wouldn't go into surgery. money does not buy happiness. go with whatever you enjoy.

 

[MedicalBeast]

Well, if you have the aim of specializing later on, by doing a fellowship in some subspeciality, I don't understand why would your parents see that as a bad thing. Maybe they think that you want to become simply an internist?

also, there is nothing wrong with being "simply an internist". just because a lot of people think primary care isn't prestigious, doesn't mean it can't be a happy and fulfilling career.

 

[ILikeCox]

Dumb thread

 

[circulus vitios]

Dumb thread

One post in nearly 3 years and this is how you use it?

 

[MU420]

Please do what you want to do. With all due respect to your mother, her way of thinking is highly condescending and really undermines just how important IM is as a specialty. Those of us in the medical field receive enough prejudice and misinformed opinions from the general public. There is no need for the physicians to look down on each others' specialties.

Push through and let them know that you're an adult who can make your own decisions. Tell them that you've thought this through and firmly ask them to stop making snide comments toward something that would make you happy. Stand up for yourself.

 

[Lattes]

also, there is nothing wrong with being "simply an internist". just because a lot of people think primary care isn't prestigious, doesn't mean it can't be a happy and fulfilling career.

I agree. But for many parents it might sound a bit too little if they rank you high. Don't take me wrong, I simply wanted to point out how Internal Medicine's subspecialities have got a lot of respect generally

 

[Guillemot]

A somewhat unique issue. Some background:

American born, but with a foreign background. Currently an M3. Mom is a physician. They were very pushy academically, and raised me here to give me a better life. I owe everything to them, and we have an amazing, close relationship. They partly funded my education - particularly my entire first year of school. They still pay for my housing. That said, they have some views I don't agree with.

I was originally going for a very competitive specialty. Made connections, done/doing research etc. After rotating in it and giving it a lot of thought, I've decided to focus on Internal Medicine. I love a lot about it, and really was just all around happier doing that than the other field. Coming to this conclusion took a lot of introspection. My parents, however, were NOT happy to hear this. "I hope you can do something better than that" and "Ugh, the lowest students typically go into that". Everytime I bring it up, they're dismissive and even mean to me and make snide comments like that. They still don't think I'm serious about choosing it.

I've wanted to be a doc my whole life and always have done well. It would crush me not to make them happy in the end. It's really getting me down and making me feel bad about choosing IM as a career (I know it shouldn't). What do I do here to make things better between us? Or is there nothing I can do?

listen to your parents on this one. the degree of bull**** that you will have to deal with in internal medicine is astronomical. you cant fully appreciate it as a medical student.

 

[sylvanthus]

Time to cut the cord, seriously, it wouldn't even cross my mind to have my parents influence the specialty I am going to be doing the rest of my life.

 

[Doctor Bob]

How do I deal both my internal feelings of "could've done better"

That's not a question we can answer for you. It all depends on your coping mechanisms.

and consistently disparaging comments from people whom you hold in the highest regard?

Keep reminding yourself that eventually they will be wormfood and you won't have to listen to their comments any more.
Seriously... they make decisions for their life; assuming you are an adult, you make the decisions for yours.

 

[notbobtrustme]

wait what? The lowest students go into IM? Since when? Those who go to the top programs in IM have CVs that would make any specialty PD blush.

Sure, **** community IM programs that are IMG mills are not competitive at all. However, if you go a strong academic IM program, you got to have your **** together.

 

[Snoopy2006]

So ... East Asian or South?

Do other fields inherently appeal to you? If not, 10 years from now when you're sitting in a dark room squinting at CTs, that 11 AM text from Mom reading "I'm so proud of you!" probably won't be enough to get you through the day. Or the next 30 years.

 

[Priapism4tooLong]

How can your mother show face in the community with a cardiologist as a son!?!. COME ON get it together.
Let me guess you are indian?

Some of the most knowledge doctors I personally know are general IM (working for 15+years). Not even specialized. IM doctors are brilliant. I'm sure I'm not the only one here who has had that experience.

And by no way do the lowest scores go into IM.

Edit: so i went to my indian friends (everyone has one) party and he's in IM residency, his mom introduced him to other people at the party as a cardiology resident, in front of me. I look at my friend and he's like "shhh don't say anything" loll. haha

 

[Priapism4tooLong]

So ... East Asian or South?

Do other fields inherently appeal to you? If not, 10 years from now when you're sitting in a dark room squinting at CTs, that 11 AM text from Mom reading "I'm so proud of you!" probably won't be enough to get you through the day. Or the next 30 years.

haha thats brilliant

 

[Priapism4tooLong]

The problem i see with SOOOOO many people mis-informed, idiotic (in my opinion), is they correlate high board scores with certain residencies. Oh i got 240+ i have to do ROADs, or surgery or whatever. High Board scores shouldn't determine what job you go into. If you get low board scores sure a lot of pathways might be closed. But board scores don't determine what your interests are.

 

[oldbearprofessor]

Tell your mom it could have been worse, you could have decided to become a pediatrician.

 

[Priapism4tooLong]

Tell your mom it could have been worse, you could have decided to become a pediatrician.

Or family

 

[Jabbed]

I think you should take the "Mom, you should be happy that I'm not a heroin addict" route.

But seriously, parental pressures be damned. Do what makes you happy.

 

[D4C]

I think you should take the "Mom, you should be happy that I'm not a heroin addict" route.

But seriously, parental pressures be damned. Do what makes you happy.

I don't know...she sounds like the kind that won't be happy until he's at the top of his crowd. Perhaps she would be disappointed if he were a heroin addict, but thrilled if he were a meth head. Some parents are weird like that.

 

[Winged Scapula]

Tell your mom it could have been worse, you could have decided to become a pediatrician.

Or God forbid, Psychiatry.

 

[evilbooyaa]

I switched to IM from a surgical field too. Great board scores, had LOR from well known people in the field, AOA, etc etc. My parents aren't physicians and kind of know from my personality that they have absolutely no say in my career whatsoever, so there wasn't a big problem there.

However, MYSELF, I went through (and still a little) feelings of wtf am I doing? IM has a bad stigma, why am I going into this if I don't have to? I want to do a fellowship but that's not guaranteed. Am I gonna be happy? I can do something easier and makes more money. Honestly (this might be incendiary), I didn't know how I felt about going to a field where carribean students flock to because they can get into it. It does make you feel almost like you're selling yourself short.

At the end of the day, if you have good grades and all that, you can get into a great IM program. And that, is not an easy task. The board scores for those programs are on par with many competitive specialties. You can also do a fellowship in GI/Cards which is pretty high in that thread on physician satisfaction, you get reimbursed well (for now), and get to be a "specialist" (if you wish for these things). If you go to a pretty good institution, you will find many people like yourself. Motivated and successful as medical students who did IM because that's what they wanted to do.

I have a friend at a top 10 IM program who went there with all honors in every class and rotation and AOA. He's going to do primary care. Another friend who switched from surgery to IM at the last minute who is AOA and going to a top 15 IM program, and is getting interviews for cardiology at top places around the country. Other subspecialties are pretty cool too - like heme/onc and allergy. IM needs smart people too, and people who can do some research as well if you're into that.

However, yes, I still do have feelings like I'm doing the wrong field because of factors that probably should not play into my decision making, but they naturally do. I'm interested to see what others will say. The old days of being a naive undergrad and just wanting to help people kind of withers as time goes by.

You're not the only one who's going this path.

Bruh , thought you were going into ENT? Then there's talk about Ophtho? and now the switch to IM? Damn man, you crazy.

Anyways, hope you enjoy IM man.

As to OP - Tell your parents that IM is what interests you the most, and that even if your mom is a physician, she doesn't have a right to dictate what your career will be.

 

[W19]

Please do what you want to do. With all due respect to your mother, her way of thinking is highly condescending and really undermines just how important IM is as a specialty. Those of us in the medical field receive enough prejudice and misinformed opinions from the general public. There is no need for the physicians to look down on each others' specialties.

Push through and let them know that you're an adult who can make your own decisions. Tell them that you've thought this through and firmly ask them to stop making snide comments toward something that would make you happy. Stand up for yourself.

Believe or not, I had an IM physician who told me there is some kind 'unofficial ranking' among physicians i.e they are not consider equal in term of what they do... I am still dumbfounded by that statement.

 

[WeAreNotRobots]

I've wanted to be a doc my whole life and always have done well. It would crush me not to make them happy in the end. It's really getting me down and making me feel bad about choosing IM as a career (I know it shouldn't). What do I do here to make things better between us? Or is there nothing I can do?

i've had a few friends with parents like this re: children's career decisions. i'm sure there are more possibilities, but i've only seen things take one of these paths IRL:
1. you do what you want and they get over it
2. you do what you want and they hold it against you--in some small or large way--forever
3. you try to follow the path they desire and the mere effort to do so makes them proud (but you hate your life)
4. you try to follow the path they desire, yet even in so doing, you disappoint them in some other way/they are never satisfied enough, i.e. you match in NSGY, but not at MGH (you hate your life and kinda start to hate your parents, too)

you're the one that has to live your life, and you can only control what you can control. it sounds like you have your head on straight and i think all you can do is be honest with the 'rents, and hope for the best.

 

[EMDO2018]

A somewhat unique issue. Some background:

American born, but with a foreign background. Currently an M3. Mom is a physician. They were very pushy academically, and raised me here to give me a better life. I owe everything to them, and we have an amazing, close relationship. They partly funded my education - particularly my entire first year of school. They still pay for my housing. That said, they have some views I don't agree with.

I was originally going for a very competitive specialty. Made connections, done/doing research etc. After rotating in it and giving it a lot of thought, I've decided to focus on Internal Medicine. I love a lot about it, and really was just all around happier doing that than the other field. Coming to this conclusion took a lot of introspection. My parents, however, were NOT happy to hear this. "I hope you can do something better than that" and "Ugh, the lowest students typically go into that". Everytime I bring it up, they're dismissive and even mean to me and make snide comments like that. They still don't think I'm serious about choosing it.

I've wanted to be a doc my whole life and always have done well. It would crush me not to make them happy in the end. It's really getting me down and making me feel bad about choosing IM as a career (I know it shouldn't). What do I do here to make things better between us? Or is there nothing I can do?

I can't relate. As a first generation college student and young black man, my mom is just glad im not in jail or shot dead by the police or something.

 

[DermViser]

Believe or not, I had an IM physician who told me there is some kind 'unofficial ranking' among physicians i.e they are not consider equal in term of what they do... I am still dumbfounded by that statement.

Unofficial ranking among IM physicians?

 

[DermViser]

I can't relate. As a first generation college student and young black man, my mom is just glad im not in jail or shot dead by the police or something.

 

[DermViser]

The problem i see with SOOOOO many people mis-informed, idiotic (in my opinion), is they correlate high board scores with certain residencies. Oh i got 240+ i have to do ROADs, or surgery or whatever. High Board scores shouldn't determine what job you go into. If you get low board scores sure a lot of pathways might be closed. But board scores don't determine what your interests are.

Part of the problem is that what you imagine the specialty to be is quite different in medical school vs. residency vs. attending life. Even if you like something as a young guy in your 20s, it will be quite different than when you want in your 50s and your priorities change. This is a career you will practice till the day you retire or pass away. I think the OP should very much take into consideration his parents with regards to completely evaluating his choice of going into IM, not bc of views that it's not competitive enough but bc of other reasons.

Not to be morose, but I wonder if the 2 IM interns who committed suicide at Columbia and Cornell, if they had instead gone into a less intensive medical specialty (a ROAD specialty) whether they would still be with us today.

 

[Señor S]

What do I do here to make things better between us?

Grow a spine. Nobody respects a coward.

 

[general admission]

listen to your parents on this one. the degree of bull**** that you will have to deal with in internal medicine is astronomical. you cant fully appreciate it as a medical student.

Elaborate?

 

[Serous Demilune]

Tell your parents cards and GI will make you 500k/year, that will shut them up about "prestige."

 

[darklabel]

i've had a few friends with parents like this re: children's career decisions. i'm sure there are more possibilities, but i've only seen things take one of these paths IRL:
1. you do what you want and they get over it
2. you do what you want and they hold it against you--in some small or large way--forever
3. you try to follow the path they desire and the mere effort to do so makes them proud (but you hate your life)
4. you try to follow the path they desire, yet even in so doing, you disappoint them in some other way/they are never satisfied enough, i.e. you match in NSGY, but not at MGH (you hate your life and kinda start to hate your parents, too)

you're the one that has to live your life, and you can only control what you can control. it sounds like you have your head on straight and i think all you can do is be honest with the 'rents, and hope for the best.

This gets underplayed around here too often. I had a friend not pursue medicine, and while I was at his house once, his mother made a snide remark in front of me like "Ohhh medicine, a real career!" when I told her I was in medical school. It was uncomfortable and I just brushed off. I get Op should be a man, but at the same time, having these kinds of parents can make a person feel like **** for a while even after they made their choice, sometimes for years. I can imagine it will get demoralizing hearing small snide comments from your own parents and especially in front of others in a way that embarrasses you or having to hear it every so often how "you could've been in a great place, but you just 'settled'". Things like this can also spiral out and lead to depression and simply saying "Man up" and such can make a person hide these feelings and thus depress someone more.

Op, I would definitely play up the fellowship thing and show her how difficult the great academic centers are to match into. Damn, I wish IM was considered easy overall for when I go through the match.

 

[W19]

Unofficial ranking among IM physicians?

Among physicians overall (from the most respected specialties to the least respected ones)... I thought that was a premed stuff. She was telling a cardiologist might give more respect to an ortho doc than an IM doc...

 

[general admission]

Another thing that's crossed my mind is that my parents have had the foresight that I have not, even in situations when I thought that was not the case. I can't help but think maybe they're seeing something I'm not. Do I really want to be doing this when I'm 50? Why not be Mr Competitive Subspecialist. Maybe I'll grow to like it? Surveys regularly show that people doing it are very satisfied...

And will I regret not "just going for it" and at least trying to get one of the sought-after specialties while I still can? Or live my whole life knowing that I settled... My ego is definitely off the charts, and that's concerning for me.

 

[general admission]

This gets underplayed around here too often. I had a friend not pursue medicine, and while I was at his house once, his mother made a snide remark in front of me like "Ohhh medicine, a real career!" when I told her I was in medical school. It was uncomfortable and I just brushed off. I get Op should be a man, but at the same time, having these kinds of parents can make a person feel like **** for a while even after they made their choice, sometimes for years. I can imagine it will get demoralizing hearing small snide comments from your own parents and especially in front of others in a way that embarrasses you or having to hear it every so often how "you could've been in a great place, but you just 'settled'". Things like this can also spiral out and lead to depression and simply saying "Man up" and such can make a person hide these feelings and thus depress someone more.

Op, I would definitely play up the fellowship thing and show her how difficult the great academic centers are to match into. Damn, I wish IM was considered easy overall for when I go through the match.

Also, excellent post. I can't understate how ****** it makes me feel that they wouldn't be happy with me, or ultimately disappointed in me.

 

[W19]

Part of the problem is that what you imagine the specialty to be is quite different in medical school vs. residency vs. attending life. Even if you like something as a young guy in your 20s, it will be quite different than when you want in your 50s and your priorities change. This is a career you will practice till the day you retire or pass away. I think the OP should very much take into consideration his parents with regards to completely evaluating his choice of going into IM, not bc of views that it's not competitive enough but bc of other reasons.

Not to be morose, but I wonder if the 2 IM interns who committed suicide at Columbia and Cornell, if they had instead gone into a less intensive medical specialty (a ROAD specialty) whether they would still be with us today.

Do you know why they committed suicide?

 

[W19]

Tell your parents cards and GI will make you 500k/year, that will shut them up about "prestige."

Cards and GI are not prestigious anymore!

 

[W19]

listen to your parents on this one. the degree of bull**** that you will have to deal with in internal medicine is astronomical. you cant fully appreciate it as a medical student.

Elaborate?

From what I was told, you will be a physician/social worker/the dumping ground... Nothing against IM since it is one of the specialties I am interested in, but that is the nature of the job according to many...

 

[JP2740]

Cards and GI are not prestigious anymore!

?

 

[DermViser]

Among physicians overall (from the most respected specialties to the least respected ones)... I thought that was a premed stuff. She was telling a cardiologist might give more respect to an ortho doc than an IM doc...

I think that may have more to do with 1) the length of residency and 2) the competitiveness of the specialty (based on board scores) which can very much change although some views tend to hold regardless of the realities now -- i.e. Radiology. I'm pretty sure a cardiologist wouldn't give more respect to an Ortho doc vs. an IM doc, since a cardiologist does IM.

 

[DermViser]

Cards and GI are not prestigious anymore!

Yeah, try again. Those fellowships are still very competitive as is Heme/Onc.

 

[DermViser]

Another thing that's crossed my mind is that my parents have had the foresight that I have not, even in situations when I thought that was not the case. I can't help but think maybe they're seeing something I'm not. Do I really want to be doing this when I'm 50? Why not be Mr Competitive Subspecialist. Maybe I'll grow to like it? Surveys regularly show that people doing it are very satisfied...

And will I regret not "just going for it" and at least trying to get one of the sought-after specialties while I still can? Or live my whole life knowing that I settled... My ego is definitely off the charts, and that's concerning for me.

If satisfaction is a concern to you - then why not look at satisfaction surveys for different specialties?

 

[DermViser]

Elaborate?

Bc General IM is a dumping ground for all other specialties in terms of admissions. There's a reason those who stick with general IM have the lowest satisfaction rates. This isn't anything new, and you'll see that as you're progressing thru MS-3 now.

 

[DermViser]

I agree. But for many parents it might sound a bit too little if they rank you high. Don't take me wrong, I simply wanted to point out how Internal Medicine's subspecialities have got a lot of respect generally

And certain subspecialties in IM are very difficult to get: Cards, GI, Allergy, Heme/Onc, maybe Pulm/Crit Care. There is always the risk that you may not get the specialty, and then you are effectively stuck with general IM -- either hospitalist or outpatient primary care. If you're ok with that risk, then fine. OP should just make sure that he is ok with that risk.

 

[deleted500612]

A somewhat unique issue. Some background:

American born, but with a foreign background. Currently an M3. Mom is a physician. They were very pushy academically, and raised me here to give me a better life. I owe everything to them, and we have an amazing, close relationship. They partly funded my education - particularly my entire first year of school. They still pay for my housing. That said, they have some views I don't agree with.

I was originally going for a very competitive specialty. Made connections, done/doing research etc. After rotating in it and giving it a lot of thought, I've decided to focus on Internal Medicine. I love a lot about it, and really was just all around happier doing that than the other field. Coming to this conclusion took a lot of introspection. My parents, however, were NOT happy to hear this. "I hope you can do something better than that" and "Ugh, the lowest students typically go into that". Everytime I bring it up, they're dismissive and even mean to me and make snide comments like that. They still don't think I'm serious about choosing it.

I've wanted to be a doc my whole life and always have done well. It would crush me not to make them happy in the end. It's really getting me down and making me feel bad about choosing IM as a career (I know it shouldn't). What do I do here to make things better between us? Or is there nothing I can do?

The fact that your parents care more about being able to brag to their friends about what specialty you chose than which specialty you are actually interested in and enjoy is very selfish yet sadly not that uncommon. And besides, (I'm not sure which subspecialty you are interested in) a number of IM subspecialties such as cardiology are quite prestigious and competitive to get into as well. Don't know why your parents are so adamant about you picking a specialty you dont enjoy just for the prestige, what a fake and ostentatious way to live your life.

 

[DermViser]

The fact that your parents care more about being able to brag to their friends about what specialty you chose than which specialty you are actually interested in and enjoy is very selfish yet sadly not that uncommon. And besides, (I'm not sure which subspecialty you are interested in) a number of IM subspecialties such as cardiology are quite prestigious and competitive to get into as well. Don't know why your parents are so adamant about you picking a specialty you dont enjoy just for the prestige, what a fake a ostentatious way to live your life.

I don't think he's told them a subspecialty, just the residency - IM so far.

 

[Kahreek]

i think im s

I switched to IM from a surgical field too. Great board scores, had LOR from well known people in the field, AOA, etc etc. My parents aren't physicians and kind of know from my personality that they have absolutely no say in my career whatsoever, so there wasn't a big problem there.

However, MYSELF, I went through (and still a little) feelings of wtf am I doing? IM has a bad stigma, why am I going into this if I don't have to? I want to do a fellowship but that's not guaranteed. Am I gonna be happy? I can do something easier and makes more money. Honestly (this might be incendiary), I didn't know how I felt about going to a field where carribean students flock to because they can get into it. It does make you feel almost like you're selling yourself short.

At the end of the day, if you have good grades and all that, you can get into a great IM program. And that, is not an easy task. The board scores for those programs are on par with many competitive specialties. You can also do a fellowship in GI/Cards which is pretty high in that thread on physician satisfaction, you get reimbursed well (for now), and get to be a "specialist" (if you wish for these things). If you go to a pretty good institution, you will find many people like yourself. Motivated and successful as medical students who did IM because that's what they wanted to do.

I have a friend at a top 10 IM program who went there with all honors in every class and rotation and AOA. He's going to do primary care. Another friend who switched from surgery to IM at the last minute who is AOA and going to a top 15 IM program, and is getting interviews for cardiology at top places around the country. Other subspecialties are pretty cool too - like heme/onc and allergy. IM needs smart people too, and people who can do some research as well if you're into that.

However, yes, I still do have feelings like I'm doing the wrong field because of factors that probably should not play into my decision making, but they naturally do. I'm interested to see what others will say. The old days of being a naive undergrad and just wanting to help people kind of withers as time goes by.

You're not the only one who's going this path.

i think IM subs should be integrated programs. All these people rationalizing the risk of getting stuck in general IM, because they want GI/cards, makes internal medicine look bad