Medical Jokes!

[DrGarfield]

Let´s have some Medical jokes!

Medical Charts

* Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
* Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
* On the second day, the knee was better, and then on the third day it disappeared.
* The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
* The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
* Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
* Healthy-appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
* The patient refused autopsy.
* The patient has no previous history of suicides.
* Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
* Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the last three days.
* Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
* Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
* Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might want to work her up.
* She is numb from her toes down.
* While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
* The skin was moist and dry.
* Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
* Patient was alert and unresponsive.
* She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
* Rectal examination revealed a normal-size thyroid.
* I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
* Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
* Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus-sized.
* The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
* The patient was to have a bowel resection.
* However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
* Skin: somewhat pale but present.
* The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
* Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. ____, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
* Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
* She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was hot in bed last night.
* Patient was found in bed with her power mower.

---

Members don't see this ad.

 

[DrGarfield]

An English guy was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital. Suddenly, the father began to breathe heavily and grabbed the pen and pad by the bed. With his last ounce of strength he wrote a note, dropped it, and died.
The son was so overcome with grief that he didn't remember slipping the note into his pocket. At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his coat and immediately felt the note. He excitedly read it thinking it might be something he could recite during the service. It said:

YOU WANKER -- GET OFF MY OXYGEN PIPE!!!

 

[DrGarfield]

Q. How do you hide a £5 note from a General Surgeon?
A. Hide it in the Patient's Notes.

Q. How do you hide a £5 note from an Orthopaedic Surgeon?
A. Hide it in a Textbook.

Q. What does an orthopaedic surgeon call the heart.
A. A soft tissue organ for pumping cefuroxime around the body.

Q. What do you call 2 orthopaedic surgeons reading an ECG.
A. A double blind trial.

 

[saffronrain]

those are good

 

[DrGarfield]

 

[DrGarfield]

 

[DrGarfield]

 

[DrGarfield]

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."


On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels


At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit please back in."


On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."


On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."


At an Optometrist's Office
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right
place."


In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

 

[saffronrain]

hahaha where do you guys find these?? that's so freaking awesome.. esp the above. lol

 

[DrGarfield]

 

[DrGarfield]

 

[parasiteatwork]

great jokes.........

 

[DrGarfield]

Doctor: Did you take the patient's temperature? Nurse: No. Is it missing?


Doctor: Does it hurt when you do this? Patient: Yes. Doctor: Well, don't do that.


Doctor: Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten quarters? Nurse: No change yet.


Patient walks into a doctor's office.
Patient: Doctor, people ignore me.
Doctor: Next!

The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will." "That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change..."

 

[shardul]

I remember one of my friends writting this while he was taking history of a patients:

Patients has no history of cock or cock's contact.

I still laugh when i remember it.

For those who can't get the joke_ Tuberculosis is also called Koch's disease in India people tend to use that term because its shorter and easier to pronounce

 

[DrGarfield]

Real one this--

A patient came to a Female General surgeon for something- The doctor wanted to ask him about his Sexual history- and at the hospital they used to ask it indirectly as- Have you been going to OUT?
Doctor:- Have you ever gone OUT?
Patient:- No, maam, I came straight to You!!

Another one_

Doctor:- Do you smoke?
Patient:- No, Thanks!

 

[shardul]

Well this one happened with me. I dont know whether it sounds funny or not. Certainly it didnt make me laugh when it happened.

A month or so ago I was presenting my case to lecturer during our Pediatrics ward exam.When I finished with the patients history and telling the lecurer the findings of my examination of the case; he suddenly asked me how is the EDGE of liver. I dont know what happened at that moment I got very confused (may be because the patient was crying) I assumed the lecturer meant AGE of liver. I was afraid what tell the examiner doesn't he know the age of liver is same a that of age of patient i.e. 3 years. After a pause I told him its 3 years. The examiner gave me strange look and moment later he understood my problem and started laughing uproariously. Oh god! I didn't know what to say.
But later when I knew where i gone wrong we were again back on the track. After that hearty laugh the pediatrician become a lot friendlier and I passed the exam with flying colours.That was the most memorable exam in my life

 

[DrGarfield]

A defense attorney, cross-examining a pathologist,
asked, "Before you signed the death certificate, had
you taken the pulse?"

"Pathologist: 'No.'

"Attorney: 'Did you listen to the heart?'

"Pathologist: 'No.'

"Attorney:'Did you check for breathing?'

"Pathologist:'No.'

"Attorney: 'So, when you signed the death certificate
you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?'

"Pathologist: 'Well, let me put it this way: The man's
brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess
it's possible he could be practicing law somewhere.'

 

[shardul]

A defense attorney, cross-examining a pathologist,
asked, "Before you signed the death certificate, had
you taken the pulse?"

"Pathologist: 'No.'

"Attorney: 'Did you listen to the heart?'

"Pathologist: 'No.'

"Attorney:'Did you check for breathing?'

"Pathologist:'No.'

"Attorney: 'So, when you signed the death certificate
you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?'

"Pathologist: 'Well, let me put it this way: The man's
brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess
it's possible he could be practicing law somewhere.'

good take on lawyers.

I read this one somewhere-

During a practical exam in Anatomy examiner puts a jar containing uterus in front of a female student.
Examiner: Miss, can u identify the organ?
student: HMMMMMMM i dont know sir...
Examiner: Take u r time dont hurry its a organ which present in ur body but not mine.
student: Surely its BRAIN sirrrrrrrrr......

 

[parasiteatwork]

doctor terminology
What doctors say, and what they're really thinking:

"This should be taken care of right away."
I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

"Welllllll, what have we here...?"
He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.

"Let me check your medical history."
I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.

"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time.
--or--
I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.

"We have some good news and some bad news."
The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.

"Let's see how it develops."
Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.

"Let me schedule you for some tests."
I have a forty percent interest in the lab.

"I'd like to have my associate look at you."
He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.

"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.

"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
I think I'm going to throw up.

 

[parasiteatwork]

Doctor's Funeral
A famous heart specialist doctor died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A regular coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart.

When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.

Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing.
The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"

"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.
"What's so funny about that?"

"I'm a gynecologist."

 

[parasiteatwork]

Doctor, Doctor!!!
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a dog.
Doctor: Sit on the couch and we will talk about it.
But I'm not allowed up on the couch!

Doctor, Doctor You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!
Doc: Do you drink a lot?
Not really - I spill most of it!

Doctor, Doctor Have you got something for a bad headache?
Doc: Of course. Just take this hammer and smash yourself in the head.
Then you'll have a bad headache.

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm God!
Doc: When did this start?
Well first I created the sun, then the earth, then the...

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee!
Doc: Have you ever tried it by taking the spoon out FIRST?

Doctor, Doctor will this ointment clear up my spots?
Doc: I never make rash promises!

 

[parasiteatwork]

FUNNY MEDICAL TERMINOLOGY

Benign.........................What you be after you be eight.
Antibody.......................Against everyone.
Artery.........................The study of fine paintings.
Bacteria.......................Back door to cafeteria.
Barium.........................What doctors do when patients die.
Benign.........................what you be after you be eight
Catscan........................Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize......................made eye contact with her
Cesarean Section...............A district in Rome.
Colic..........................A sheep dog.
Coma...........................A punctuation mark.
Congenital.....................Friendly
D&C............................Where Washington is.
Dilate.........................To live longer.
Enema..........................Not a friend.
ER.............................the things on your head that you hear with
Fester.........................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula.........................A small lie.
Genes..........................Blue denim slacks
G.I.Series.....................World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail.......................What you hang your coat on.
Hemorrhoid.....................A male from outer space
Impotent.......................distinguished, well known
Labor Pain.....................Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff..................A Doctor's cane.
Morbid.........................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates.......................Cheaper than day rates.
Node...........................I knew it.
Organ Transplant...............what you do to your piano when you move
Outpatient.....................A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear......................A fatherhood test.
Paralyze.......................Two far-fetched stories
Pathalogical...................A reasonable way to go
Pharmacist.....................Person who makes a living dealing in agriculture
Pelvis.........................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative.................A letter carrier.
Protein........................In favor of young people
Recovery Room..................Place to do upholstery.
Rectum.........................Almost killed him
Red Blood Count................Dracula
Rheumatic......................Amorous
Secretion......................Hiding something
Seizure........................Roman emperor.
Tablet.........................A small table.
Terminal Illness...............Getting sick at the airport.
Tibia..........................Country in North Africa
Triple Bypass..................Better than a quarterback sneak
Tumor..........................More than one, an extra pair
Urine..........................Opposite of "you're out"
Varicose.......................Near by/close by
Vein...........................Conceited

 

[DrGarfield]

Doctor Doctor, i keep thinking that i am a dog!

'since when?'

Well, it started when i was a small puppy!!

 

[DrGarfield]

Oops!
Has anyone seen my watch?
Come back with that! Bad Dog!
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingy
What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change!
Damn, there go the lights again...
Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
What do you mean, he's not insured?
Let's hurry, I don't want to miss "Bay Watch"
What do you mean "You want a divorce"!
FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

 

[DrGarfield]

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"


The difference between a neurotic and a psychotic is that, while a psychotic
thinks that 2 + 2 = 5, a neurotic knows the answer is 4, but it worries him.

"Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on strike. Hospital
officials say they will find out what the Doctors' demands are as soon as they
can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs!"