Was this unreasonable?

D

deleted263296

Well, basically I've been with my girlfriend for about many years. We met in high school and went to college together and both of us went to medical school, she a year ahead of me because I studied abroad. I chose to go to a "better" school that was a few hours drive away (I realize this makes me look uncommitted) and we have maintained a long-distance relationship so far. Well, she is a fourth year student now and I'm a third year, and she wanted me to go to her school ball the weekend before my medicine shelf and I refused. And now we've separated because I am only looking out for #1 in her opinion and only expects things to get worse. I was very surprised by this because I thought after all the time we have been together something like this would not matter but I was way off.
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virie said:
Well, basically I've been with my girlfriend for about many years. We met in high school and went to college together and both of us went to medical school, she a year ahead of me because I studied abroad. I chose to go to a "better" school that was a few hours drive away (I realize this makes me look uncommitted) and we have maintained a long-distance relationship so far. Well, she is a fourth year student now and I'm a third year, and she wanted me to go to her school ball the weekend before my medicine shelf and I refused. And now we've separated because I am only looking out for #1 in her opinion and only expects things to get worse. I was very surprised by this because I thought after all the time we have been together something like this would not matter but I was way off.
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I hate to tell you this, but I think it's obvious that she is being stuffed by some other dude, probably an attending or a resident.
 
virie said:
Well, basically I've been with my girlfriend for about many years. We met in high school and went to college together and both of us went to medical school, she a year ahead of me because I studied abroad. I chose to go to a "better" school that was a few hours drive away (I realize this makes me look uncommitted) and we have maintained a long-distance relationship so far. Well, she is a fourth year student now and I'm a third year, and she wanted me to go to her school ball the weekend before my medicine shelf and I refused. And now we've separated because I am only looking out for #1 in her opinion and only expects things to get worse. I was very surprised by this because I thought after all the time we have been together something like this would not matter but I was way off.
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All women want to be #1....even if she understands the demands of med school....this issue has been a quiet storm for some time and that broke the camels back.....I would call her and remind her of your time demands. You just have to make more of an effort. Women need to feel needed and loved.
 
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virie said:
Well, basically I've been with my girlfriend for about many years. We met in high school and went to college together and both of us went to medical school, she a year ahead of me because I studied abroad. I chose to go to a "better" school that was a few hours drive away (I realize this makes me look uncommitted) and we have maintained a long-distance relationship so far. Well, she is a fourth year student now and I'm a third year, and she wanted me to go to her school ball the weekend before my medicine shelf and I refused. And now we've separated because I am only looking out for #1 in her opinion and only expects things to get worse. I was very surprised by this because I thought after all the time we have been together something like this would not matter but I was way off.
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Problem #1: Choosing a better career path that causes temporary LDR is NOT a sign of lack of committment. My boy and I are currently halfway through our 2 year 1200 mile LDR. Sure, I could have taken a less prestigious residency, but that would have hurt us both in the long run due to resentment, etc. A few hours drive is nothing - hell, you could practically see each other every other weekend if you alternated driving, maybe more. That doesn't make you look uncommitted at all, don't worry.

Problem #2. She says you're only looking out for #1, but wtf is *she* doing? Is she was not doing the same thing herself, why does she not transfer to your school, or something?

If this is a recent development, she may just be very stressed and you guys need to talk it over. The problem is, for a healthy relationship you cannot constantly put the other person before your own life needs. If they love you, they will accept bumps, distance, business like that (we're not talking extreme here, like moving across the country for 6 years - that would be extremely hard to swallow, but you know - like having to study for your shelf for example. If she's truly committed, she needs to understand that this is an important part of your own life that you need to address).

Since you guys have been together a helluva long time, I would really talk to her about this. As in face to face - not phone. Try to find some time to see each other and work this out.
 
J DUB said:
All women want to be #1....even if she understands the demands of med school....this issue has been a quiet storm for some time and that broke the camels back.....I would call her and remind her of your time demands. You just have to make more of an effort. Women need to feel needed and loved.
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not too much love and attention though.

women want all your time and attention. if you give them it, they will eventually say "omg what is this guy's problem he is always around me".

you just need to understand that ALL WOMEN complain. when you get older you will notice this. They all want their man to do XYZ. You give them a part of you but not the entire you. once they have everything, they will chew you up and spit you out.

think of how nature works with animals, gorillas etc. you need to base your habits off of how animals work amongst each other.
 
She's gone through the same things, so just remind her of your time crunch. She should understand. Apologize about not being able to make the event. Tell her you will make it up to her after wards, whenever you have time. Make sure you stick to it. You will get through this, it shouldn't break you up.

If some other guy is in the picture, she will find another reason to point fingers at you. Don't jump to that conclusion just yet.
 
PharmaTope said:
not too much love and attention though.

women want all your time and attention. if you give them it, they will eventually say "omg what is this guy's problem he is always around me".

you just need to understand that ALL WOMEN complain. when you get older you will notice this. They all want their man to do XYZ. You give them a part of you but not the entire you. once they have everything, they will chew you up and spit you out.

think of how nature works with animals, gorillas etc. you need to base your habits off of how animals work amongst each other.
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Really, all women complain and have a list of crap for their man to do....you are a genius.....:idea:

Maybe you should write a book....:thumbup:
 
J DUB said:
Really, all women complain and have a list of crap for their man to do....you are a genius.....:idea:

Maybe you should write a book....:thumbup:
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those Honey-Do lists are brutal :D
 
In defense of what you did, generally I've observed that when guys put the woman ahead of your life goals they dump you anyway and then you just end up with nothing.

So you might as well commit to what's important to you. There's no certainties in life, but nothing makes you look like more of an unprofessional idiot than trying to explain to some professional board the reason you are coming back to something is that you threw away a couple of years based on what a woman wanted.
 
hrandani said:
In defense of what you did, generally I've observed that when guys put the woman ahead of your life goals they dump you anyway and then you just end up with nothing.

So you might as well commit to what's important to you. There's no certainties in life, but nothing makes you look like more of an unprofessional idiot than trying to explain to some professional board the reason you are coming back to something is that you threw away a couple of years based on what a woman wanted.
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Yeah, you better make sure she is worth it.....I agree with sharing the spot with your career instead of making her the main attraction.....

Trump style....:thumbup:
 
J DUB said:
Yeah, you better make sure she is worth it.....I agree with sharing the spot with your career instead of making her the main attraction.....

Trump style....:thumbup:
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ya gotta agree. i dont know much about medicine but i know IM and surgery is tough for people. i don't think you were out of line skipping that ball. i mean you know your capabilities and if you felt you needed to study, then you did what you had to do!
 
virie said:
Well, basically I've been with my girlfriend for about many years. We met in high school and went to college together and both of us went to medical school, she a year ahead of me because I studied abroad. I chose to go to a "better" school that was a few hours drive away (I realize this makes me look uncommitted) and we have maintained a long-distance relationship so far. Well, she is a fourth year student now and I'm a third year, and she wanted me to go to her school ball the weekend before my medicine shelf and I refused. And now we've separated because I am only looking out for #1 in her opinion and only expects things to get worse. I was very surprised by this because I thought after all the time we have been together something like this would not matter but I was way off.
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i think you should go to the ball with her, it's not unreasonable, she just wants you to be there with her during the special day...
 
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this isnt like you ditched her to go with your buddies drinking or something. this is an important point in your career.
 
If you've been dating her for like 9 years why aren't you engaged or married? Clearly you should have put a ring on her finger by now. If you're still not sure after this long, well it's definitely time for her to go meet other guys.
 
First hint, drop the 'better' school bit. Even if you are 100% certain it is better, it doesn't matter, and adding the qualifier in doesn't serve any purpose. You went to a different school, which injected distance into the relationship. Fair enough (I am in an LDR with my husband while I attend school.)

Apparently this ball was more important to her than you realized? If so, that might be a reasonable discussion to have. A lot of folks sacrifice in silence, then when they ask for something, feel very upset when the other person isn't, in their mind, also sacrificing. Have you asked yourself if she has been sacrificing things for you without you asking or being aware of it? That might be a good thing to consider before dooming the relationship. Did she do something similar previously for you? 9 years is a lot of history to sort out (did one of you follow the other to college, did you think of doing the same for med school? etc.) I have a feeling this may have had more weight for her because it was her senior year. How much advanced notice did you have? If you can go through all of this and not find a miscommunication or a differing level of investment, it might be time to let the relationship go.
 
Women certainly can and often do expect everything. I know I do :laugh:.

That said, my s.o. missed my first fall ball, white coat ceremony, and generally does NOT want to hang out with any of my friends from school (voluntarily). And 99% of the time, it's not a problem - I get that he has things to do and a life of his own. So do I.

But over time these things can kind of build up, and so while it might sound like "how could this little tiny school dance be an issue"...maybe it's a pattern that she's sensing she doesn't like. Try to figure out if there is one or not. My s.o. has made more of an effort to attend my school events periodically and we've been able to work out a compromise. Honestly, we stay in 3 weekends out of 4 (his choice), so I feel like we've reached a happy medium where his needs are not overlooked and neither are mine.

Either that or you're dating an insane girl. It happens. Most women are insane at one point or another. That's why I love my guy - he puts up with my insanity and my occasional unreasonable demand and the fact that I can't even see him for the next month and a half while I study for Step 1. He's a good guy for sure.
 
1UP said:
I hate to tell you this, but I think it's obvious that she is being stuffed by some other dude, probably an attending or a resident.
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Why did I let myself be surprised you gave a db answer? I really should know better.
 
Mirror Form said:
If you've been dating her for like 9 years why aren't you engaged or married? Clearly you should have put a ring on her finger by now. If you're still not sure after this long, well it's definitely time for her to go meet other guys.
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This. Plus the bit about the prestigiousness of the school.

There are a number of couples that use their time in school to have a relationship they leave on auto-pilot in order to feel like they aren't missing out on anything. But with two people having the busy lives of premeds and med students, and the med student side being LD in addition, she's probably becoming more acutely aware on the sacrifices entailed. If that's coupled with an added degree of security and commitment, then great, a lot of people will make that sacrifice of closeness. But no engagement after all this time? What did you expect? How is she not to feel taken for granted? The prestigious school bit just adds a good deal of potential that either you look down on her or she thinks you look down on her.
 
Sweet baby jesus its a formal function people. Most girls get all bent out of shape when you skip these things, the sorority types especially x10000. <---The simple answer.

As to the separation due to said offence...yep...need to figure out what the dealio is. Not calling at least weekly, not visiting at least monthly? Send flowers. Flowers are always good. Peer pressure is always a factor, what do her friends think of you? If they are down on you for some reason...that can be the pits. I think she may be due a visit asap.

Relationships are like the titanic really. They take a while to build and they are cumbersome and there are lots of unforeseen problems involved. When things go wrong sometimes there is just nothing you can do (i.e. damage that the sealed compartments just cant compensate for to nerd this analogy up a bit) and they go down no matter what we do.

Good luck.
 
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I think you should of gone to the ball. If you've studied properly then one night is not gonna kill your grade. You said its only a few hours away? wake up early and study all morning and afternoon, go to the ball, come back the next day and study all afternoon and all evening.

Marriage is more important than career. If you want this woman to eventually be your wife, then you should treat her as such. And yes you do look uncommitted. An MD is an MD, so i don't know why you didn't go to the same school.
 
Staradmiral said:
I think you should of gone to the ball. If you've studied properly then one night is not gonna kill your grade. You said its only a few hours away? wake up early and study all morning and afternoon, go to the ball, come back the next day and study all afternoon and all evening.

Marriage is more important than career. If you want this woman to eventually be your wife, then you should treat her as such. And yes you do look uncommitted. An MD is an MD, so i don't know why you didn't go to the same school.
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Live in the 1950s much?
 
Velocity said:
Showing respect to the person you're committed to was lost 60 years ago? I completely agree with Staradmiral.
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I don't agree with the "marriage is more important than a career" part. A lot of people don't prioritize marriage over a career nowadays, and it's not nice to tell other people they are being disrespectful to their SO just because they don't want to get married right away. If you personally believe that is the natural way a relationship must go, then way to go. You should find a like-minded partner.

But it seems a bit judgmental to me to say this guy is flakey and doesn't appreciate his lady just because he hasn't proposed yet. Now, if she feels under-appreciated and wants to get married soon, then that is her priority, and they are obviously not compatible. But I think too many people get married because of societal pressure. It's all about what's right for YOU.

Also, I do agree in essence that when people are in relationships for a long time but aren't sure how committed they are, that does make things difficult and complicated. But marriage is not for everyone.

EDIT: OP didn't even mention whether they'd discussed getting married.

P EDIT: I would be the worst boyfriend ever if I were a boy.
 
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VenusinFurs said:
I don't agree with the "marriage is more important than a career" part. A lot of people don't prioritize marriage over a career nowadays, and it's not nice to tell other people they are being disrespectful to their SO just because they don't want to get married right away. If you personally believe that is the natural way a relationship must go, then way to go. You should find a like-minded partner.
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Understood and agreed. I felt that was a small part of his post, but I can see that you read a lot into it, based on the rest of what you wrote:

VenusinFurs said:
But it seems a bit judgmental to me to say this guy is flakey and doesn't appreciate his lady just because he hasn't proposed yet. Now, if she feels under-appreciated and wants to get married soon, then that is her priority, and they are obviously not compatible. But I think too many people get married because of societal pressure. It's all about what's right for YOU.
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I had a very different interpretation of what Staradmiral wrote. I didn't see him making a judgment about whether the guy should marry this girl or not; rather, he was extrapolating forward. Sure, not everyone dates with the end goal of getting married, but it's fairly standard for a relationship that has been going on for a while to end up that way.

But marriage wasn't the point. The point was that when you're in a relationship, it's not all about you - you're also focused on your partner. In my experience (happily married) the healthy dynamic occurs when both partners are heavily focused on each other, so neither feels that they're being neglected or that something is coming before them (and yet, because both focus on each other, both end up with permission from the other to do things for themselves while also doing things for each other). I can appreciate that other relationships vary in the degree to which this type of focus occurs, but the thread starter came off as uncaring, thoughtless, and uncommitted to his girlfriend in this case, particularly since they weren't seeing each other often to begin with. He recognized that, too. The confusion (and the reason why this thread exists) seemed to stem from his girlfriend's reaction.
 
Oh yeah, OP is being dense and doesn't realize it's probably a bunch of stuff that she was upset about, not just the dance.
 
We can expect only demands from the women not the supplies..... but remember dude once if a women proposes to you then She really mean it ! :):love:
 
thomas22 said:
We can expect only demands from the women not the supplies..... but remember dude once if a women proposes to you then She really mean it ! :):love:
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Wise words. We can expect only demands, not the supplies.
 
Occam's razor: she is being stuffed by some other dude
 
FTR, I agree with Staradmiral.
 
I think long distance relations frequently fail, and it is no one's fault.
 
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