Specialty one-liner generalizations

[kutastha]

I always thought this one was

PhD: PeckerHead Deluxe......

Which of course reminds me of the following joke...

Four MDs and four PhDs are going to a meeting by train. The four MDs each have their own ticket, but the four PhDs (who have little money, of course) have one ticket among them.

The MDs ask the PhDs (in a caring manner), "How are you going to manage with just one ticket between the four of you?"

"Just watch," reply the PhDs. They all get on the train and the four MDs take their seats and hand their tickets to the conductor. But the PhDs all pile into a bathroom, and when the conductor comes by, a single arm reaches out and gives him the ticket.

The MDs, feeling enlightened, decide to try the same thing on the way home, so they purchase just one ticket among the four of them. This time the PhDs buy no ticket at all.

"How are you going to get home?" ask the MDs.

"Just watch." the PhDs reply. When they get on the train, all the MDs pile into a bathroom. Three of PhDs get into another bathroom.

The fourth Ph.D. then knocks on the MDs' bathroom door and says "Ticket please."

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[phoenixsupra]

"No one wants to kill grandpa before the holidays" -

Surgery resident on why our vascular surg service is slow right now.

Ha ha. Lol I like that one

 

[spENT]

While GenSurg chief resident performing a rectal scope, attending asks:

Q: "What is the definition of an anoscope?"

A: "A 16-inch tube-shaped instrument with an a**hole at each end"

 

[beastmaster]

bump

 

[DrDre311]

bump

3 1/2 year old thread bump. Nice.

Things I learned from reading this thread:

(1) Orthopods are dumb.

(2) Plastic surgeons are greedy/evil.

(3) Nobody likes radiologists.

(4) Internists are much smarter than surgeons.

Was especially surprised by the prevalence of haters for ortho and plastics. One radiologist who posted also had zero sense of humor. Also surprising.

 

[colbgw02]

Q: What is a radiologist's favorite food?
A: The waffle.

Also, not really a stereotype, but I routinely read films where the indication is "rule out pain". Accordingly, I end those dictations with "Note: Pain is not ruled out by this examination."

 

[MrBurns10]

These aren't jokes but mottos of departments at my school's hospital:

Gen Surg: Eat when you can, sleep when you can, and don't **** with the pancreas.

Transplant Surg: We may not be the best, but we're slow.

 

[Winged Scapula]

These aren't jokes but mottos of departments at my school's hospital:

Gen Surg: Eat when you can, sleep when you can, and don't **** with the pancreas.

Sorry, your program cannot lay claim to that quote. Its a very famous one, used all around the US.

Transplant Surg: We may not be the best, but we're slow.

Now, that one they can claim!

 

[vtucci]

How many internal med docs does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one but only after 4 hours of rounds to explain why the light bulb needed to be changed.

 

[vtucci]

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

None. The light bulb has to want to change itself.

 

[MrBurns10]

Sorry, your program cannot lay claim to that quote. Its a very famous one, used all around the US.

Haha, I had no idea it was famous. I just heard it several times from the clerkship director, who also graced us with the other motto.

 

[deleted162650]

Here's a few for OB/GYN (told to me by OB residents)
1. OB/GYN = Ouch, Better Groom Your Nails
2. What 3 surgeries do OB/GYN's know how to perform?
Cut the right ureter, cut the left ureter, and a hysterectomy.
3. What do an OB/GYN's and pizza delivery boys have in common?
They can both smell it but they can't taste it.

 

[beastmaster]

L&D Nurse: Position the patient on her side, it relieves pressure on the uterus and the big vessels.

Me: Which side?

L&D Nurse: Left side is the best, but the right side is better.

 

[Doowai]

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one... but they need 15 sessions to do it.

I heard it as, just one..... but it really has to WANT to change

The 15 sessions one I heard for how many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb

 

[ForbiddenComma]

What do you call someone who gets a 15 on the MCAT?

A chiropracter.


What do you call the stethoscope worn around an internist's neck?

Flea collar.


btw, that was one hell of a bump... all the way from 2004. And only with the word "bump." Nice going, Beastmaster!

 

[fakin' the funk]

I was taught:

If it's dry, keep it wet. If it's wet, keep it dry. When in doubt, apply steroids.

The derm rhyme is priceless:

If it's dry, wet it
If it's wet, dry it
When in doubt, cut it out

 

[fakin' the funk]

The ABC's of anesthesia: Airway, Breathing, Coffee.

It gets worse!

ABC's of anesthesiology--
Arrive
Break
Coffee

 

[Droopy Snoopy]

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

None. The light bulb has to want to change itself.

Just finished psych -- in clinic one day my resident was wrapping up a visit when the patient said, "by the way I've got this rash..." She shows my resident who says (here's your one liner):

"Oh wow, you really should see a doctor about that." My thoughts exactly.

 

[Winged Scapula]

It gets worse!

ABC's of anesthesiology--
Arrive
Break
Coffee

Or
Airway
Book
Coffee/Chair

 

[MSKalltheway]

I had a friend show me this one today:

OB/GYN dept, ****s and Runts

 

[cool c]

sorry to sound like an idiot but what does "bump" mean?

What's the diff btwn an ortho and my grandma?
my grandma can name 2 antibiotics.

This happened in the ER today.
A nurse walks out of an ER room with an EKG and shows it to the orthopod. The orthopod looks at the EKG with a rather dire look and says to the nurse; "oh my god, do u know what this means?". The nurse rather scared goes; "Oh my god, what?". He says; "This EKG proves that his bones are fine."

 

[drfunktacular]

This thread is brilliant. Thank you SDN for 15 minutes of entertainment this evening.

sorry to sound like an idiot but what does "bump" mean?

"Bump" means like bumping an old thread (that is no longer on the forum display) up to the top of the forum so people will pay attention to it and comment in it again.

 

[chrisisinnocent]

Q: how does a surgeon hunt?

A: Shoots at the sky and asks the pathologist: Did I hit anything?


Q: WHat qualities do you need in an orthopod resident:
A: They need to be big and dumb.

Q: What about Ob/Gyn
A: They don't have to be big

 

[Biscuit799]

I can't believe nobody's said this one...


Q: How can you tell a note was written by an orthopod?
A: It was written with a crayon.

 

[Eyesore]

Funny thread. Keep them coming.

 

[Old_Mil]

But if that's a phenomenon limited to this hospital, then thank goodness and I look forward to moving on.

It's not. It's actually a widely held misconception that Radiologists go to medical school. They're actually photography majors who go to law school.

 

[thatuvicguy]

What a jaded cardiologist told me in 1st year:

Q: What's the definition of an interventional radiologist?
A: A radiologist that intervenes between a cardiologist and his fee...

 

[Ludicolo]

B B M F

X

Translation: Bone broken. Me fix.
The "X" is the signature.

 

[DeLaughterDO]

Internal medicine: fleas
Peds: tots
OB/Gyn: tw@ts
EM: triage/consult experts
Ortho: knuckle-draggers
Surgery: cutters
Psych: head shrinkers
Rads: vampires, but I like the joke about waffles as well...

In our EM program, we call our peds and ob/gyn experience "tots and tw@ts."

like the one about interventional radiology... priceless

 

[theOne3]

The standard philosophies of surgery:
When in doubt, cut it out.
Cold steel's the best deal.
A chance to cut is a chance to cure.

ABCs for the ER docs:
Airway, Breathing, CT

 

[ForbiddenComma]

What does a neurosurgeon call a handshake?

The physical exam.

 

[oompaloompa]

How do you hide a dollar from a surgeon?
- Put in the chart.

How do you hide a dollar from an internist?
- Put it under a dressing.

How do you hide a dollar from a radiologist?
-The presence of a dollar cannot be confirmed or ruled out, clinical correlation is recommended.

How do you hide a dollar from a neurosurgeon?
- Tape it to his kid's forehead.

How do you hide a dollar from a psychiatrist?
- You can put it pretty much anywhere, just yell "CODE BLUE!" afterwards.

How do hide a dollar from an OB-GYN?
- Hand it to the male med student.

How do you hide a dollar from a plastic surgeon?
- Put it on a patient who's actually sick.

How do you hide a dollar from a dermatologist?
- You can't hide money from a dermatologist.

How do you hide a dollar from a neurologist?
- It doesn't really matter if they look for it or not, the MRI will see it if it's there.

How do hide a dollar from an ophthalamologist?
- Leave it at the hospital over the weekend.

How do hide a dollar from an orthopedist?
-Put it in a book.

How do you hide a dollar from an anesthiologist?
-You can put basically anywhere in the hospital except on her coffee or People magazine.

How do hide a dollar from an ER doc?
- No good. He'll have a dozen consultants looking for it in under 5 minutes.

How do hide a dollar from a pathologist?
- He doesn't need that stinking dollar, he's a wealthy level 58 half-orc rogue lord in World of Warcraft.


And a crack at my own peeps........

How do you hide a dollar from a pediatrician?
-Not necessary. We've forgotten what money looks like.

 

[geogil]

What's the difference between an orthopod and a carpenter?

the carpenter can name 2 anti-biotics

 

[OrnotMajestic]

Actual note from a Nephrology fellow that we consulted for one of our pregnant ladies on the L&D floor:

"Kidney's sick. Unknown origin.
Creatinine in AM.
Will follow."

Ummm, thanks for the help.

 

[DrDre311]

Actual note from a Nephrology fellow that we consulted for one of our pregnant ladies on the L&D floor:

"Kidney's sick. Unknown origin.
Creatinine in AM.
Will follow."

Ummm, thanks for the help.

I'd rather see that than a huge exotic differential with an equal amount of useful information. Honest and concise.

 

[rfv123]

Airway
Bagel
Crossword

 

[overthebars]

Airway
Bagel
Crossword

Airway
Book
Crisis

 

[BigRedBeta]

whoops...already been said.

 

[fakin' the funk]

How do hide a dollar from an OB-GYN?
- Hand it to the male med student.

so, so true!

 

[45408]

Q: What is a radiologist's favorite food?
A: The waffle.

Also, not really a stereotype, but I routinely read films where the indication is "rule out pain". Accordingly, I end those dictations with "Note: Pain is not ruled out by this examination."

 

[vtucci]

Just finished psych -- in clinic one day my resident was wrapping up a visit when the patient said, "by the way I've got this rash..." She shows my resident who says (here's your one liner):

"Oh wow, you really should see a doctor about that." My thoughts exactly.

 

[Krazykritter]

Derm:

"If you know what it is, you don't need to touch it...If you don't know what it is you SHOULDN'T touch it."

I really like this one especially when it comes to nasty crap on people's feet.

 

[vtucci]

How many internal med docs does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one but only after 4 hours of rounds to explain why the light bulb needed to be changed.

My roommate Erin has a slight variation on this one....

How many internal med docs does it take to change a light bulb?

None- it takes one surgeon after the IM docs round for 4 hours.

 

[Myempire1]

critical care medicine: like rearranging the deck chairs on the titanic.


--------------

And best note i have seen this past year:

Nephrology fellow note
KOKO (keep on keeping on)
signed an illegible name

 

[ddmo]

My favorite as an orthopod.

Q:How many orthopaedists does it take to screw in a light bulb??

A: Two. One to hold it, another to pound it in.

 

[aphistis]

My favorite as an orthopod.

Q:How many orthopaedists does it take to screw in a light bulb??

A: Two. One to hold it, another to pound it in.

 

[HEADintheCLOUDS]

I heard this one yesterday. From a certain attending

How many GPs does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they are not smart enough and dont know what a light bulb is!!

 

[MrBurns10]

None, they are not smart enough and dont know what a light bulb is!!

I congratulate you for somehow avoiding the ban longer than I expected.

 

[UT_mikie]

Not a saying but a funny experience. While scrubbed into femoral graft.

Vasc Surgeon: What do you want to do?

Me: Not sure maybe medicine.

VS: Oh really? Great ... well here look at the femoral artery. Don't touch it, just look at it. And think about it for four hours, and after I'm done fixing this gentleman's leg you can tell me what you thought about.

... So so true.

 

[DoctorPardi]

A plastics fellow at the hospital I work at had the following conversation:
CRNA (talking in a somewhat unfriendly tone): umm could you guys hold up on positioning we need to take care of the ABCs
Plastics Fellow: You mean Airway Breathing and Cosmetics?