Keeping Maiden Name

[ToothCandy4U]

Ever since I was little, I detest the idea of changing my last name for marriage. I felt that it is unfair.
Especially when I see a letter addressed to Mr. and Mrs. [husband's last name], I am very furious to see that my name is reduced to "Mrs." I feel like I am stripped away from my family and my own name doesn't hold any existance in this world.

Although nowadays women keep their maiden name after marriage, I often meet people openly questioning my decision of keeping my last name. Also, sometimes my husband's family member makes me feel guilty.

Yes, some people use hyphen to combine both names, but I do not like the idea of having such a long last name. Or some people take husband's last name but keep the maiden name as middle name. It is a good compromise but I still feel uneasy.

Sometimes, I am tired of correcting people and explaining that I still use my maiden name.

We don't have a child yet but when we do, will our child have my husband's last name by default? It will break my heart to have a different last name from our child.

Since I cannot decide which last name I am going to use for long run, which name should I use for national board exam? Is it easy to request the change of name for a certificate?

My husband supports whatever my decision I make but he also prefers that I take his last name. Part of me I want to take his last name to avoid any confusions but I cannot bring myself to take the action.

Although I live in the city, I don't know any woman who is keeping her last name! Am I alone?

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[GeneGoddess]

I didn't change my last name and the only person who gave me guff was my father-in-law. But he's a weenie. Among my co-workers, NO ONE has changed their last name. I take that back, ONE woman did, and it was gossip for quite some time. My husband, when we briefly discussed the whole name thing, said that he never wanted to change his last name so he couldn't imagine forcing me to. We both hyphenated our names socially (a whole three syllables), but 90% of the time, we just use our own names. Any kids will have the HYPHENATED last name. Kids do not automatically get their father's last name (though many women bow to that pressure: I get to keep my name, but the kids will have husband's name).

I'd use your birth name for anything legal (boards, license, diploma, etc). That's what I've done.

The important thing is that YOU (and to a lesser extent, your spouse) need to be comfortable with what you do. My sister changed her last name (mainly due to pressure from her in-laws and "everyone does it") and regrets it. She's considered changing back to her birth name, but doesn't want to go through the hassle. Believe me, the paperwork was extensive and time consuming.

 

[Toofscum]

I am married and I kept my own name. My husband did not pressure me to change it to his, nor did he expect me to. Only my own mother has given me grief about it!

 

[alison_in_oh]

Don't bow to pressure, if your name is part of your identity then keep it. I've known families where the boys got dad's surname and the girls got mom's. You could even make up new last names for your kids that are an anagram of your and your husband's names. There are a lot of more and less radical ways to handle the issue. For what it's worth it may be a regional thing; I got the impression from living in the Northwest that keeping your birth name was very much the "in" or accepted thing.

One of my best friends from college was mildly peeved at a wedding we went to, wherein her placecard for the reception seating was labelled "Mr. and Mrs. S______". She turned to her husband, "Where is this Mrs. S_____ and why am *I* not invited?"

That said, I took my husband's name. I am very attached to my birth surname, heck I've gone by it as a nickname for years, but after a little contemplation, I decided that what was important was defining our partnership properly: we're two halves of a whole, we are Mr. and Mrs. P_____ and someday will be Dr. and Mrs. P_____ and that doesn't malign me, it's just a convention that makes things clear socially.

My last name got relegated to the middle name position.

One of my other college friends and her husband both changed their names: it would have been 7 syllables to hyphenate, so they both took her surname as middle names and his as last names.

 

[GeneGoddess]

One of my best friends from college was mildly peeved at a wedding we went to, wherein her placecard for the reception seating was labelled "Mr. and Mrs. S______". She turned to her husband, "Where is this Mrs. S_____ and why am *I* not invited?"

We're going to a wedding in a few weeks and I made sure to RSVP as "The Doctors Stud-Goddess". I would be FURIOUS if the placecard said "Dr. and Mrs. Science Stud", especially since I have TWO doctoral degrees. I have an aunt and uncle (married) who are both MD's and every piece of mail from their kids' school is addressed to Dr. and Mrs. Smith. They've told the school MULTIPLE times that they both have doctoral degrees (same last name), but the school refuses to recognize my aunt's. Weird.

Oh, and another funny. Since we BOTH hyphenated (or, at least our return address labels say so), I always think it's funny to see how people mangle it. We went by Mr. and Ms. Stud-Goddess (his-mine) and are now The Doctors Stud-Goddess (or Dr. and Dr.). I get mail all the time to Ms./Dr. Goddess-Stud (from my aunt, who didn't understand that his name went first (sounds better)) and to Dr. Stud and Dr. Stud-Goddess. Hello! He's hyphenated, too! Generally, it's not a big deal. I'm used to people mispronouncing my first name and my spouse's last name, so a correction on the hyphenation isn't a big deal.

Like I said before, you need to do what makes YOU happy. Remember the fable about the man, the boy, and the ass? You can't please everyone, so you might as well please yourself.

 

[SuitsYou]

Just as a counterpoint to this. I asked my fiance a few months back was she keeping her maiden name or hyphenating it after we are married and she damn near bit my head off 'I WANT people to know im a Mrs Suits'

 

[ToothCandy4U]

Thank you all for the encouragement and sharing your experience.
(I didn't know it was actually called "birth name" instead of "maden name." I was confused.)
I am surprized the fact that I don't know anyone who kept their birth name.
It is strange! I wonder if keeping last name is more common in certain social groups.
What type of work do you do, GeneGoddess?
I don't like to succomb to the social pressure but it is sometimes difficult to be different. (especially in my limited social circle)

The truth is that I am more attached to my family than my husband. It may change in the future but I think it will be better for me to pursue my career with my birth name.
My parents raised us to be independent and have our own identity. I feel that society and custom sometimes ask too much from women.

I understand alison_in_oh's point. I do want to feel like my husband and I are halves for a whole to create our own family. Sharing the same last name seems like unifying our identity. But I don't want to give up my birth name.

Our hyphenated name would have been 6 syllables. ARRG!
I feel sorry for our unborn baby.

My sister-in-law is the one who is always bringing up about "last name."
The first time she brought it up, I told her that I am keeping my last name. But she brings it up every time we meet.
My husband thinks his sister doesn't mean to pressure me. But I do not feel comfortable about the fact that she keeps on asking about it. I had it enough!
Next time she ask me about it I will spell it out for her.

 

[GeneGoddess]

I'm an MD/PhD student (soon to be Pedi resident). I'm in Texas, so we're full of "traditional" values. And I have had people tell me (strangers) that I must not love/respect my husband enough to take his last name (or must secretly believe that we'll divorce). It's bizarre. Most people I know DO change their names, but those with any form of advanced degree (MD, PhD, JD, MBA, DDS, etc) that I know did NOT. However, I only know one person with a doctoral degree (PhD) who changed her name upon marriage (the one that was gossiped about). I say "birth name", but most people use "maiden". It's the same thing, but someone people get ticked about it and gripe that they aren't maids. Whatever. It's just easier to say "birth" since it can describe a man or woman.

Take my word for it, people will harrass you if you keep, change, or hyphenate. My favorite snarky comment is: "people won't know you are married!" Umm, as long and WE know, I don't care what others think. Or "What if someone think you are a step-mom because of different last names?" Umm, did you just insult every blended family out there with that comment? Or "people won't think they are YOUR kids" Hey, I can think of times that might be good (when they are pitching a fit). To some people, it is critical that stranger know they are a family. To me, it is critical that my FAMILY knows they are my family, despite differing last names.

 

[Cuteasaurus]

It sounds like a lot of the people in med class are going to keep their maiden names and I know practicing docs who have as well. I don't have a clear pref. one way or the other and he does, so I'm changing mine and I've gotten some questions about that from my "professional" friends. To repeat, I think you just have to do what works for the both of you and deal with the questions politely (or not ).

 

[ToothCandy4U]

I'm an MD/PhD student (soon to be Pedi resident). I'm in Texas, so we're full of "traditional" values. And I have had people tell me (strangers) that I must not love/respect my husband enough to take his last name (or must secretly believe that we'll divorce). It's bizarre. Most people I know DO change their names, but those with any form of advanced degree (MD, PhD, JD, MBA, DDS, etc) that I know did NOT. However, I only know one person with a doctoral degree (PhD) who changed her name upon marriage (the one that was gossiped about). I say "birth name", but most people use "maiden". It's the same thing, but someone people get ticked about it and gripe that they aren't maids. Whatever. It's just easier to say "birth" since it can describe a man or woman.

Take my word for it, people will harrass you if you keep, change, or hyphenate. My favorite snarky comment is: "people won't know you are married!" Umm, as long and WE know, I don't care what others think. Or "What if someone think you are a step-mom because of different last names?" Umm, did you just insult every blended family out there with that comment? Or "people won't think they are YOUR kids" Hey, I can think of times that might be good (when they are pitching a fit). To some people, it is critical that stranger know they are a family. To me, it is critical that my FAMILY knows they are my family, despite differing last names.

OMG, you seem to have a great sense of humor to breeze through the snarky remarks. Some comments are horrible!
If keeping birth name means lack of respect or love for another, most husbands must not love or respect wives... What a strange world we live in.

But what gets me is that my husband will probably never take my last name. His last name is supposed to be "special." But so is mine!! ARRG!

I guess I'd better start to build up thick skin.

 

[drmanyee999]

I couldn't decide and my last name and my husbands hyphenated just looked silly. So, I kept all my names (first, middle and last) and threw his on the end. Now, I use both my last names, they're just not hyphenated. I've run into a few doctors at the hospital I work at who also do this. Granted, this isn't too much of a mouthful as my maiden name is Chinese and only three letters long and my married name is only five.

My name on my drivers license takes up two lines

 

[f_w]

We don't have a child yet but when we do, will our child have my husband's last name by default? It will break my heart to have a different last name from our child.


Your kids have whatever name you write on that form that some medical records person brings you to sign a day after you deliver.

A phenomenon I have never quite understood is the name switching game happening in neonatal units every day:
Baby starts out as 'Morris, B/G'. A couple of hours later the kid changes into 'Morris, Precious'. The next day, after babydaddy comes by, the kid changes into 'Rodriguez-Hernandez, Precious'. (in an attempt to shame him into paying up and to get the kiddo under his healthplan). If you are lucky, the medical record number stays the same




Whatever you gals do, keep the names on medical school diploma, USMLE records and later medical license the same. Anytime you apply for a new medical license, they check with all the places you held a license previously whether you were a good girl. These requests have a tendency to get misrouted if you have a name change.

My wife
- continues to publish under her maiden name (to keep medline searches uniform)
- has the hyphenated name on her medical license, shingle, business card and hospital ID.
But: patients and support staff tend to address her with MY last name....

 

[tlew12778]

I am keeping my last name. In Italy, you cannot changed your name for marriage. All your identity documents show your full birth name then it will list your spouse's name somewhere. And it will obviously list your marital status as married. Since Italy will not allow me to change my last name, I will not do so in the US. I can just imagine constantly getting stopped at immigration due to mismatching names .

None of my US friends are married actually. But my SIL and my sister did not change their last names. And my sister has kids from her first marriage with their dad's name and kids from her second marriage with their dad's name. Non one gives her grief about it. With so many divorces nowadays, I think this is pretty common unfortunately.

 

[ToothCandy4U]

I couldn't decide and my last name and my husbands hyphenated just looked silly. So, I kept all my names (first, middle and last) and threw his on the end. Now, I use both my last names, they're just not hyphenated.

Do you have space between his and your last name?

I am very surprize to see more of you are keeping your birth name.
I certainly don't feel alone now.

A phenomenon I have never quite understood is the name switching game happening in neonatal units every day:
Baby starts out as 'Morris, B/G'. A couple of hours later the kid changes into 'Morris, Precious'. The next day, after babydaddy comes by, the kid changes into 'Rodriguez-Hernandez, Precious'. (in an attempt to shame him into paying up and to get the kiddo under his healthplan). If you are lucky, the medical record number stays the same

Heh, that's funny. Sometimes having many options make the life more complicated.

I actually told my husband about this thread yesterday. He looked sad...
He was joking around but he was asking me to change my name.
I guess I still have some time to make a final decision.

Maybe I will change my middle name to his last name and keep my birth name for last name.

 

[A.D.O.R.]

I actually told my husband about this thread yesterday. He looked sad...
He was joking around but he was asking me to change my name.
I guess I still have some time to make a final decision.

Maybe I will change my middle name to his last name and keep my birth name for last name.

I am not married and this is a little off topic but have you and your husband discussed all the IMPORTANT issues yet? For example, when/if you want to have children? Whether or not you will work part-time or full-time after they are born, etc? I only ask becasue this last name issue seems like something minor that the two of you haven't really talked about. I worry about the big issues that may have not been discussed either.

 

[ice_23]

LOL, I feel as if somewhere down the line, there'll be a "flip the coin" part of the marriage ceremony where the minister/religious figure/city hall person throws a coin and either the bride or the groom calls it and whoever wins keeps their last name and the other changes it.

I think that'd avoid any conflicts, don't you?

-Ice

 

[ToothCandy4U]

I am not married and this is a little off topic but have you and your husband discussed all the IMPORTANT issues yet? For example, when/if you want to have children? Whether or not you will work part-time or full-time after they are born, etc? I only ask becasue this last name issue seems like something minor that the two of you haven't really talked about. I worry about the big issues that may have not been discussed either.

Heh, of course we did talk about the living situation before we got married.
I will see how school goes and we probably have a baby on the 3rd or 4th year.
I will work full time and my hubby will be Mr. Mom and run his own company from home.
It's all set.

LOL, I feel as if somewhere down the line, there'll be a "flip the coin" part of the marriage ceremony where the minister/religious figure/city hall person throws a coin and either the bride or the groom calls it and whoever wins keeps their last name and the other changes it.

I think that'd avoid any conflicts, don't you?

Yeah, I wish my hubby will agree to that.
His family is so proud of their last name. According to them, it has historical significant meaning. But so does my family! My family history goes back hundreds of years! I have a scroll to prove my blood line!!!

 

[jamie]

I kept my maiden/birth name across the board (although I occasionally get mail from people who don't know this). I graduated 2 weeks ago (in Ohio, pretty white bread), and, up to that point, I was the only one in my class that hadn't changed her name (there were a few who made their maiden name their middle name, although I wonder how long that will last). I have gotten no comments made about this, although I am prepared to tell people that it will just make it easier to get divorced later on. I think that the fact that I am a doctor (yikes!) gives me an "excuse" to have kept my maiden name (and I don't have to decide if I want to be a Mrs. or Ms. Maiden name). Ironically, my older sister changed her name, my oldest hyphenates, and I full-out kept it.

I am very fortunate in that my husband does't care one bit what my name is -- we know we're married. I know people who don't wear wedding bands -- are they "less" married? My father-in-law did blow up 36 hours before our wedding and threaten not to come, but eventually, everyone on his side has realized my name (at least professionally and legally) and sucked it up. The bottom line is that my name, whatever it is, affects no one else (except they have to write a little bit more when they address mail to us, as my sister was complaining). It's no more your sister-in-law's business to tell you what your last name should be than it is yours tell her what to name her children or that her dog is quite ugly or that her dye job is REALLY bad.

(By the way, I did find it helpful to make copies of our marriage license for each of us to carry with us, in case we need to "prove" that we are married (ie, I needed it last week to renew my husband's license plates).)

 

[jamie]

Funny story: A guy my husband works with got married recently. A few weeks before the wedding, someone asked him if she was going to keep her name. He got a funny look and was very adamant that he would not like it if she didn't change her name, saying he's a "traditional" kind of guy. And they've already got a house and 2 kids together. I guess we all have our own definitions of "traditional".

 

[ToothCandy4U]

Funny story: A guy my husband works with got married recently. A few weeks before the wedding, someone asked him if she was going to keep her name. He got a funny look and was very adamant that he would not like it if she didn't change her name, saying he's a "traditional" kind of guy. And they've already got a house and 2 kids together. I guess we all have our own definitions of "traditional".

Wow, that is one traditional family!

Jamie, I love your excuse --becoming a doctor gives an excuse to keep my birth name.
That's funny.

It seems like significant number of women in SDN decide to keep their birth name.
I would like to get to the bottom of this.
Why are we keeping our birth name?
Are we so attached to our birth family more so than our new family?
Is it the manifestation of feminist in us?
Or are we preparing for the worst?

 

[f_w]

Why are we keeping our birth name?
Are we so attached to our birth family more so than our new family?
Is it the manifestation of feminist in us?
Or are we preparing for the worst?

You don't seem to be too sure about all this.

Make a decision, inform your husband of that decision and stick to it.

(tell his mom that your family history can beat up theirs and that it is none of her f&$)# business.)

 

[GeneGoddess]

Why are we keeping our birth name?
Are we so attached to our birth family more so than our new family?
Is it the manifestation of feminist in us?
Or are we preparing for the worst?

1. I kept my name because it is MY name.
2. I love my spouse (his family I could do without), but it is MY name. My parents have the same name, my sister has a different name (she changed). I love my husband's last name (it is similar to an old family name of mine). But my name has been mine for three decades. I can't imagine going by another name.
3. I'm an uber-feminazi. There's nothing latent about it in me.
4. Nah...if I was that concerned about divorce, I wouldn't have married in the first place. The paperwork involved in just getting MARRIED is pain enough.

 

[DrYo12]

just because one gets married and assume the last name of their husband does not mean that they are any 'less' a part of their birth family.

 

[tlew12778]

Why are we keeping our birth name? Legal reasons as already described above. Had I been marrying an American, I'd probably change it. But I have an MBA with my birth name on it so maybe not.
Are we so attached to our birth family more so than our new family? Most definitely. I mean, you've known your family for the last 20-30-40 years. You know his family for what? <10 years probably. Besides, they will always be *his* family.
Is it the manifestation of feminist in us? I dunno. Maybe. I like to think of myself as "modern" and not really a militant feminist.
Or are we preparing for the worst? No, I don't think so. But then again, we are getting a pre-nump too. Just being realistic.

 

[GeneGoddess]

just because one gets married and assume the last name of their husband does not mean that they are any 'less' a part of their birth family.

I completely agree!

 

[jamie]

Why are we keeping our birth name?
Are we so attached to our birth family more so than our new family?
Is it the manifestation of feminist in us?
Or are we preparing for the worst?

I assure you that I am NOT preparing for the worst. And I am a feminist, and I'm not afraid to admit (most people probably are, but just don't know the real definition). Finally, it just seemd more right to keep my name than change mine to his. That's all. I'm not trying to make a statement, and I'm not particularly attached to my father's family.

I agree -- make a decision and have that be the end of it.

 

[drmanyee999]

Do you have space between his and your last name?

Yup.

 

[alison_in_oh]

But my name has been mine for three decades. I can't imagine going by another name.

I think this part is pretty significant, actually. I started dating my husband when I was 18. (Eek, it seems so young now!) My name hadn't been mine for all that long, I certainly had no career accomplishments associated with it (well, I was published when I was 20 but I soon got out of that career track so it doesn't make much difference). And I used to sit around daydreaming about being "Mrs. P_____". So making that transition seemed natural.

 

[GeneGoddess]

And that's what might have been different about me. I never doodled "Mrs. XXX" when I had crushes on boys in grade school. I knew many of my girlfriends did that, but I never did. I always wanted to be "Gene Goddess" and not "Mrs. Gene Stud". But the beauty of it is this: we can do WHATEVER we want to. We aren't forced to change our names if we don't want to and we aren't prevented from doing so if we want to. WARM FUZZIES ALL AROUND!

 

[ToothCandy4U]

Thank you all for candid answers.
To answer to my own questions.

Why are we keeping our birth name? Because I simply feel strange changing my last name to something else. It is like getting a new face. It is kind of similar to what GeneGoddess said. My birth name has been my identity so long it is difficult to let go. Like alison_in_oh said, it may have been different if I were married young.

tlew12778, you said people cannot change their last name in Italy. Has it always been like this? What about children? Which name do they take?

Are we so attached to our birth family more so than our new family?
I am very attached to my birth family even though my in laws are wonderful. (We do have some disagreements sometimes but overall they are super generous and loving.)

just because one gets married and assume the last name of their husband does not mean that they are any 'less' a part of their birth family.

I see your point. But I feel like I am wripped away from my birth family. Also, When people address me only "Mrs.", pi$$ me off. I feel like my existance is denied.
Is it the manifestation of feminist in us?
Ah... yes. According to my husband I am a bonafide feminist.

I am a feminist, and I'm not afraid to admit (most people probably are, but just don't know the real definition)

Hmm. Very very interesting!
I met many people who associate "feminist" with "butch." Some point in life I became tired of explaining the real definition and stop associating myself being a feminist. Although I studied feminism, I somehow bought into the wrong definition.
It was a awakening moment to hear my husband assuring me that I am a bonafide feminist.

Or are we preparing for the worst?
This was a bit silly question and I assumed almost everyone will answer "no."
I was simply playing devil's advocate.
GeneGoddess is right. The paper work for marriage and wedding plan is too much work to go though.

No, I don't think so. But then again, we are getting a pre-nump too. Just being realistic.

I know what you mean. We have to be realistic but definately not delusional.

You don't seem to be too sure about all this.

Make a decision, inform your husband of that decision and stick to it.

(tell his mom that your family history can beat up theirs and that it is none of her f&$)# business.)

I wish I could make a decision easily. It is not black and white for me. I am hovering gray area. Marrying my husband was easy to decide.

My mother in law is the sweetest woman. She is very understanding.
Only his sister indirectly brings up about my last name.

 

[f_w]

tlew12778, you said people cannot change their last name in Italy. Has it always been like this? What about children? Which name do they take?

Some countries don't allow hyphenated names for kids.


When people address me only "Mrs.", pi$$ me off. I feel like my existance is denied.

Just ignore whoever addresses you by your MIL's name.


Ah... yes. According to my husband I am a bonafide feminist.

And he married you anyway ! So he seems to be a self assured enough guy.


This was a bit silly question and I assumed almost everyone will answer "no."
I was simply playing devil's advocate.
GeneGoddess is right. The paper work for marriage and wedding plan is too much work to go though.

Actually, compared with the divorce paperwork, the wedding is nothing. If you had to go to a bookie to put a bet on the success of your marriage, he probably wouldn't give you much more than 1:2 odds. So, from a purely pragmatic approach, taking the possibility of a future divorce into account makes sense.


Marrying my husband was easy to decide.

Yeah, that seems to be the easy part.

Only his sister indirectly brings up about my last name.

That is because she never had the b$()@ (oh sorry ovaries) to stand up to her in-laws. Seeing you get your will would be unbearable for her. (Ignore her)

 

[xSTALLiONx]

Ever since I was little, I detest the idea of changing my last name for marriage. I felt that it is unfair.
Especially when I see a letter addressed to Mr. and Mrs. [husband's last name], I am very furious to see that my name is reduced to "Mrs." I feel like I am stripped away from my family and my own name doesn't hold any existance in this world.

Although nowadays women keep their maiden name after marriage, I often meet people openly questioning my decision of keeping my last name. Also, sometimes my husband's family member makes me feel guilty.

Yes, some people use hyphen to combine both names, but I do not like the idea of having such a long last name. Or some people take husband's last name but keep the maiden name as middle name. It is a good compromise but I still feel uneasy.

Sometimes, I am tired of correcting people and explaining that I still use my maiden name.

We don't have a child yet but when we do, will our child have my husband's last name by default? It will break my heart to have a different last name from our child.

Since I cannot decide which last name I am going to use for long run, which name should I use for national board exam? Is it easy to request the change of name for a certificate?

My husband supports whatever my decision I make but he also prefers that I take his last name. Part of me I want to take his last name to avoid any confusions but I cannot bring myself to take the action.

Although I live in the city, I don't know any woman who is keeping her last name! Am I alone?

Silly feminists..

 

[xSTALLiONx]

We're going to a wedding in a few weeks and I made sure to RSVP as "The Doctors Stud-Goddess". I would be FURIOUS if the placecard said "Dr. and Mrs. Science Stud", especially since I have TWO doctoral degrees.

Aww.. so you got your two doctoral degrees for prestige and nobody is acknowledging you..

 

[tlew12778]

tlew12778, you said people cannot change their last name in Italy. Has it always been like this? What about children? Which name do they take?

Yes, it's always been like this. They get the father's last name. If the couple is not married and the parents have not declared themselves as a "coppia di fatto" which is basically like being married, only without the ceremony (something like common law marriage only you actually have to go fill out some form), then they get the mother's last name.

Interesting enough, many women change their name here professionally. Essentially, there is no official documentation that changes their name, but they just start using their married last name. It seems totally backwards to me, but then again, so is the *expectation* that a mom wants to stay at home with the kids once she has them.

 

[GeneGoddess]

Aww.. so you got your two doctoral degrees for prestige and nobody is acknowledging you..

Actually, that's not the point I was trying to make. The issue is that it is etiquette mavens state that it is permissible to address a woman as Mrs. even if she has a doctoral degree (MD, PhD, DDS, whatever), but it is a breech of etiquette to do so if a man has such a degree. Therefore, if both husband and wife have MDs, the address "Dr. and Dr. XXX", "The Doctors XXX", and "Dr. and Mrs. XXX" are correct, but "Mr. and Dr. XXX" is not. It is a holdover from the days where a woman's career was treated as more of a hobby and not something she would discuss socially.

 

[QofQuimica]

I am not married, but I've been engaged twice and discussed getting engaged to two others, so I've been through this merry-go-round a few times. I decided from the beginning that I would always keep my own name. Bachelor #1 was totally supportive of me keeping my own name. *He* was such a feminist that I think he might have actually respected me less had I wanted to change it. Bachelor #2 didn't really care much one way or the other. Bachelor #3 was one of those "traditionalists" who did want me to change my name. He felt that we should have the same name. So I, being eminently reasonable, told him that I understood how he felt, and in that case, I had no problem with him changing his name to mine so that we could have the same last name. Thereafter the subject ceased to come up. Bachelor #4 was also a feminist and also would have expected me to keep my own name, though he wasn't adamant about it like Bachelor #1 was.

Why did/do I want to keep my own name? Same reasons that you gals have been bringing up: I'm a professional woman with professional degrees and published papers, I identify myself with my current name, and most of all, it's a pain in the butt to change your name. To that convention, I say along with Dogbert, "BAH!!!"

 

[sjkpark]

I was travelling with my family, my mum travelled on her Korean passport that had her birth last name. On the way to the destination, the airline refused to put frequent flyer because the frequent flyer name was in her married name. On our way back, that was no problem.

Imagine having to change the names for such trivial things as frequent flyer.... It's beyond me. I'm too lazy.

 

[GeneGoddess]

That happened to my step-mother-in-law (my husband's father's wife). She's Norwegian and has lived in the US for about 20-30 years. She is still a Norwegian citizen, so has a passport from Norway. Well, when she married my father-in-law ten years ago, she changed her name. BUT, she was unable to change her name on her passport for some reason (something to do with the Norwegian equivilent of a SSN). And she has the WORST time traveling in/out of the US with her passport because her tickets (and driver's license) have her married name and her passport has her birth name.

 

[Xandie]

Actually, that's not the point I was trying to make. The issue is that it is etiquette mavens state that it is permissible to address a woman as Mrs. even if she has a doctoral degree (MD, PhD, DDS, whatever), but it is a breech of etiquette to do so if a man has such a degree. Therefore, if both husband and wife have MDs, the address "Dr. and Dr. XXX", "The Doctors XXX", and "Dr. and Mrs. XXX" are correct, but "Mr. and Dr. XXX" is not. It is a holdover from the days where a woman's career was treated as more of a hobby and not something she would discuss socially.

Screw the etiquette mavens. My husband got very emotional when someone asked him how I felt about never being called Dr. because he wasn't, and he went ballistic. He's super excited about being Mr. and Dr. (Although I think he should get his PhEd, just to make life easier, but hey, I'm a crazy person).

On the name side-note, I changed mine and ditched my birth name. I loved it, and it had significant ethnic importance (I'm Jewish), but I wanted our names to be the same, and hyphenating sounded stupid because they rhyme (think Rold-Gold, like the pretzels). I told my Dad that he could pick whether I kept my middle name (a family name, my Hebrew name) as my middle name or changed it to my birth name. He chose the non-rhyming one, thank goodness. So I'm still Xandie Pauline, but I've got a new last name. I'm still me!

 

[mmb]

I am one of those women who did choose to change her name and I feel a little put down by some aspects of this discussion. I kept my maiden name as a middle name, but I introduce myself with first _ middle _ last. It's the first time I've ever really heard criticism for a woman making this choice (and the first time in about 10 years I've heard any criticism for either choice--changing or keeping the maiden name). In my class, it's about half and half--some women kept a maiden name, some didn't. No one really thought anything about it. I certainly don't feel like anyone gossiped or assumed we were less "professional."

I am a very feminist 4th year medical student who has always been extremely independent--in fact, my husband claims that it's one of his favorite characteristics. I chose to change my name for several reasons. These are all personal to me. I'm not asking everyone else to generalize them to their situation.

I chose to change because for me, it's just a name. My identity doesn't change because I have a different last name. I'll still deal with my patients the same way, will still relate to my friends and family the same way, and will wake up feeling the same way about myself every morning. I also thought it was easier. I want my children to have my husband's last name, but I want to have the same last name as they do. Since I got married before graduation, all of my certificates and diplomas are in my married name, so no problem there. I just didn't want to go through life constantly correcting people or getting offended because someone assumed that I used my husband's name.

That said, I got something out of the deal. I bargained for naming rights for our first baby, who happens to be due in a couple of months. Seemed like a fair trade

 

[QofQuimica]

I don't think that people are criticizing you or other women who willingly choose to change their names, mmb. It is more an issue of other people having told some of us that we ought to change our names when we DIDN'T want to do it. I mean, imagine how you would have felt if, in spite of your wanting to change your name, people gave you a hard time about it and told you that you'd somehow be less of a woman/good wife if you did change it. Of course you'd feel resentful, and rightfully so. Who are they to tell you what your name should be anyway?

Luckily, we all live in the U.S. in the year 2005, and we all have the freedom to choose to keep our names or not keep them, as we wish. Which I believe is completely how it should be.

 

[A.D.O.R.]

what's the kid's name going to be?

 

[ToothCandy4U]

I agree with QofQimica.
mmb, I don't think people are criticizing anyone standing by her own choice.
Different strokes for different folks. And I think that make us unique. Otherwise we would be clones.
Besides the reason why it is difficult for me to decide which name to choose is because I see pros and cons for both sides.

For those women who want to have the same last name with their husbands, I have some questions.
Why did you change your name instead of his?
Is it because of the "tradition?"
Would your husband change his name to yours as willingly as you did for him, if you asked?
What are your husbands' reasons, why he won't change his name to your birth name?

 

[ice_23]

For those women who want to have the same last name with their husbands, I have some questions.
Why did you change your name instead of his?
Is it because of the "tradition?"
Would your husband change his name to yours as willingly as you did for him, if you asked?
What are your husbands' reasons, why he won't change his name to your birth name?

It is hardly fair to equate a woman changing her name to her husband's to that of a man changing his name to his wife's. It's far far far more socially acceptable for women to buck trends and attempt to play "with the boys" than it is for men to buck tradition and try to be more "girl-like". The stigma associated with a man changing his name would be terrible, I'd think. To put that another way, it would take a far stronger man to change his name than it would take a woman to retain hers, relatively.

-Ice

 

[LADoc00]

This thread has reinforced my firm desire not get married. Thank you.

With 50% of marriages ending in divorce, the family courts completely skewed towards women and with up to 20% of children fathered through adultery, why dont guys just put a bullet in their head and end it quick and painlessly?

 

[ToothCandy4U]

Marriage isn't for everyone, LADoc.

Like f_w said, my husband is self assured guy who absolutely loves me the way I am. I would never marry a man who cannot handle me.

Ah... yes. According to my husband I am a bonafide feminist.

And he married you anyway ! So he seems to be a self assured enough guy.

 

[ice_23]

Marriage isn't for everyone, LADoc.

Like f_w said, my husband is self assured guy who absolutely loves me the way I am. I would never marry a man who cannot handle me.

There's a smaller and smaller subset for whom marriage IS for nowadays.

-Ice

 

[beachsaki101]

This thread is so interesting to read. I'm glad that I don't have to go through the pain some of you seem to have. I'm fortunate in that my husband and I have the same last name. Informally we share one last name: Mr. & Mrs. ___. When it comes to legal documents, our full names are spelled out.

I respect your wish to keep your birth name. My concern is that it might confuse your children, especially at young age, when they go to school and their name might become a target of discussion or ridicule.

Where I come from, married women are usually associated with the husband's first name although they keep their last name in every aspect. For example, if the husband's name is Jerry Smith, his wife will be verbally addressed as Mrs. Jerry. The children bear the father's last name. If the children take the mother's last name, it's assumed that the children are born out of wedlock and might be at a disadvantage when it comes to inheriting parents' assets.

 

[tlew12778]

I respect your wish to keep your birth name. My concern is that it might confuse your children, especially at young age, when they go to school and their name might become a target of discussion or ridicule.

Where I come from, married women are usually associated with the husband's first name although they keep their last name in every aspect. For example, if the husband's name is Jerry Smith, his wife will be verbally addressed as Mrs. Jerry. The children bear the father's last name. If the children take the mother's last name, it's assumed that the children are born out of wedlock and might be at a disadvantage when it comes to inheriting parents' assets.

Are you talking about the US? That's just ridiculous if so. In fact, I think it's ridiculous in any first world country. A child's birth certificate carries the names of both mother and father so there should never be any inheritance rights issues.

I would NEVER want to be referred to as Mrs. DH's first name. It sounds so... possessive.

Nowadays in the US it's very common that children do not have the same last name as their mother due to common law marriage and/or divorce/remarriage. In my neices' and nephews' schools (they live in the Boston suburbs) it's exception if you are NOT from a divorced family.

 

[cytoborg]

Ever since I was little, I detest the idea of changing my last name for marriage. I felt that it is unfair.
Especially when I see a letter addressed to Mr. and Mrs. [husband's last name], I am very furious to see that my name is reduced to "Mrs." I feel like I am stripped away from my family and my own name doesn't hold any existance in this world.

Although nowadays women keep their maiden name after marriage, I often meet people openly questioning my decision of keeping my last name. Also, sometimes my husband's family member makes me feel guilty.

Yes, some people use hyphen to combine both names, but I do not like the idea of having such a long last name. Or some people take husband's last name but keep the maiden name as middle name. It is a good compromise but I still feel uneasy.

Sometimes, I am tired of correcting people and explaining that I still use my maiden name.

We don't have a child yet but when we do, will our child have my husband's last name by default? It will break my heart to have a different last name from our child.

Since I cannot decide which last name I am going to use for long run, which name should I use for national board exam? Is it easy to request the change of name for a certificate?

My husband supports whatever my decision I make but he also prefers that I take his last name. Part of me I want to take his last name to avoid any confusions but I cannot bring myself to take the action.

Although I live in the city, I don't know any woman who is keeping her last name! Am I alone?

Don't worry about this one little bit! Many women, especially female physicians, keep their last names - you're not alone at all. There's the paperwork nightmare with boards and licensing, the issue of professional recognition as you may already have degrees and publications under your name, plus your name conveys ties to cultural background and family of origin, not to mention simple personal pride and self-esteem. Call it feminism, but in my opinion, women shouldn't do things that men aren't willing to, and vice versa - not at work, not in bed, not when it comes to childrearing and not when it comes to changing names. I personally like it when both people change their names to something new (or the hyphenated deal). You're both creating a new family together, so it seems fitting that both people would change their names. Just a thought. It does involve the paperwork nightmare though. As for kids, they will be fine. Obviously it would be simpler if you both change your names, but if you keep your own names, just decide what name they will have, and stick with it. Just because they may have different last names than one of you, does not make them any less yours...just like having a different last name than your spouse does not make you any less married! Ignore the unsolicited comments (as it's no one's business anyway, not even your friends or family), and promptly correct people who assume wrongly. They will be ignorant until you educate them. Nobody even blinks if you live in an urban/progressive area, but even in less progressive places, it's widely accepted in the medical community. It just becomes known that Dr. Jen Lee, internist, is married to Mr. Jose Cruz, yoga instructor, and people just accept it. Your bank account, bills, other mail will say Jen Lee and Jose Cruz. Simple. Yes you will still occasionally get ignorant telemarketers saying Dr. and Mrs. Lee, Mr. and Mrs Cruz, etc. and your moms and/or grandmas may make comments. But who cares, if you feel strongly about it, don't sell yourself short.