Ways to Keep Your Marriage

[progdog1]

You know what blows big time?

The other night I was sitting with my family, most of whom are very successfully married. We were going in a circle giving our best marriage advice to my little sister on the eve of her wedding. It’s somewhat of a family tradition.

But that’s not what blows. What really blows is that I realized I don’t have any good marriage advice to give. After all, I’ve never had a successful marriage out of the two marriages I did have.

And so, when it was my turn, I just made a joke about divorce and how you should always remember why you loved your spouse when you first met her so that when times get tough, you can find someone new that is just like she was.

There were a couple courtesy giggles, but overall my humor wasn’t welcome in such a beautifully building ring of profundity.

They finished round one, and for some reason started into another round. And that’s when I realized. Hey. I don’t have marriage advice to give, but I have plenty of “keep your marriage from ending” advice (two equivocally different things), and that might be almost as good.

It eventually came to me again, and what I said would have been such great advice if I were a tenth as good at saying things as I was at writing them.

And so, that night, I sat down and wrote out my “advice list” for my little sister. You know… things I wish I would have known or done differently so that I didn’t end up divorced (twice). After writing it, I thought maybe I’d share it with all of you, too.

I call it my “Ways I Blew My Marriage” list. Also, for the list’s sake, I am just going to refer to “her” instead of “them” even though they almost all were true in both marriages.

1. DON’T STOP HOLDING HER HAND
When I first dated the woman I ended up marrying, I always held her hand. In the car. While walking. At meals. At movies. It didn’t matter where. Over time, I stopped. I made up excuses like my hand was too hot or it made me sweat or I wasn’t comfortable with it in public. Truth was, I stopped holding hands because I stopped wanting to put in the effort to be close to my wife. No other reason.

IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d hold her hand in the car. I’d hold her hand on a star. I’d hold her hand in a box. I’d hold her hand with a fox. And I’d hold her hand everywhere else, too, even when we didn’t particularly like each other for the moment.

BONUS! When you hold hands in the winter, they don’t get cold. True story.

2. DON’T STOP TRYING TO BE ATTRACTIVE.
Obviously when I was working to woo her, I would do myself up as attractively as I possibly could every time I saw her. I kept perfectly groomed. I always smelled good. I held in my farts until she wasn’t around. For some reason, marriage made me feel like I could stop doing all that. I would get all properly groomed, smelling good, and dressed up any time we went out somewhere or I went out by myself, but I rarely, if ever, cared about making myself attractive just for her.

IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d try and put my best foot forward throughout our entire marriage. I’d wait to fart until I was in the bathroom whenever possible. I’d make myself desirable so that she would desire me.

BONUS! when you trim your man hair, guess what. She returns the favor.

3. DON’T ALWAYS POINT OUT HER WEAKNESSES.
For some reason, somewhere along the way, I always ended up feeling like it was my place to tell her where she was weak and where she could do better. I sure as heck didn’t do that while we were dating. No, when I dated her I only built her up, only told her how amazing she was, and easily looked past all of her flaws. After we got married though, she sometimes couldn’t even cook eggs without me telling her how she might be able to improve.

IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I wouldn’t say a damned thing about anything that I thought could use improvement. I’ve learned since my marriage ended that there is more than one right way to do most things, and that the imperfections of others are too beautiful to try and change.

BONUS! when you tell her what she’s doing right, she’ll tell you what you’re doing right. And she’ll also tell her friends. And her family. And the dentist. And even strangers on the street.

4. DON’T STOP COOKING FOR HER.
I knew how to woo a girl, for sure. And the ticket was usually a night in, cooking a nice meal and having a romantic evening. So why is it then, that I didn’t do that for her after we got married? Sure, I’d throw some canned soup in the microwave or fry up some chimichangas once in a while, but I rarely if ever went out of my way to sweep her off her feet after we were married by steaming crab legs, or making fancy pasta, or setting up a candlelit table.

IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d make it a priority to cook for her, and only her, something awesome at least every month. And I’d remember that meat in a can is never awesome.

BONUS! candlelit dinners often lead to candlelit bow chica bow-wow.

5. DON’T YELL AT YOUR SPOUSE.
I’m not talking about the angry kind of yelling. I’m talking about the lazy kind of yelling. The kind of yelling you do when you don’t want to get up from your television show or you don’t want to go ALL THE WAY UPSTAIRS to ask her if she’s seen your keys. It really doesn’t take that much effort to go find her, and yelling (by nature) sounds demanding and authoritative.

IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d try to go find her anytime I needed something or wanted to know something, and I’d have both gratitude and manners when I did. I always hated when she would yell to me, so why did I always feel it was okay to yell to her?

BONUS! sometimes you catch her doing something cute that you would have missed otherwise.

6. DON’T CALL NAMES.
I always felt I was the king of not calling names, but I wasn’t. I may not have called her stupid, or idiot, or any of the other names she’d sometimes call me, but I would tell her she was stubborn, or that she was impossible, or that she was so hard to deal with. Names are names, and calling them will drive bigger wedges in communication than just about anything else.

IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: Any time it got to the point that I wanted to call names, I’d call a time-out and come back to it later. Or better yet, I’d call her names, but they’d be names like “super sexy” or “hotness.” Even in the heat of the moment.

BONUS! she’ll call you names in better places. Like the bedroom.

7. DON’T BE STINGY WITH YOUR MONEY.
As the main bread earner, I was always so stingy with the money. I’d whine about the cost of her shampoo or that she didn’t order water at restaurants, or that she’d spend so much money on things like pedicures or hair dye jobs. But seriously. I always had just as many if not more things that I spent my money on, and in the end, the money was spent, we were just fine, and the only thing my bitching and moaning did was bring undo stress to our relationship.

IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d tell her I trusted her to buy whatever she wanted, whenever she felt like she needed it. And then, I’d actually trust her to do it.

BONUS! sometimes she will make bad purchase decisions, which leads to makeup purchase decisions. Like that new gadget you’ve had your eyes on.

8. DON’T ARGUE IN FRONT OF THE KIDS.
There was never any argument that was so important or pressing that we couldn’t wait to have it until the kids weren’t there. I don’t think it takes a rocket scientist or super-shrink to know why fighting in front of the kids is a dangerous and selfish way of doing things.

IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I would never, ever, not even once fight in front of the kids, no matter how big or how small the issue was. I’d maybe make a code word that meant, “not with the kids here.”

BONUS! when you wait to fight, usually you both realize how stupid or unimportant the fight was and the fight never happens.

9. DON’T ENCOURAGE EACH OTHER TO SKIP WORKING OUT.
I always thought it was love to tell my spouse, “I don’t care if you don’t take care of yourself. I don’t care if you don’t exercise. I don’t care if you let yourself go.” But that was lying, and it was lying when she said it to me because the truth is, we did care and I wish that we would have always told each other how sexy and attractive the other was any time we’d go workout or do something to become healthier.

IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d ask her to tell me that she cared. I’d ask her to encourage me to go to the gym. I’d ask her to remind me of my goals and tell me I’m strong enough to keep them.

BONUS! exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. And happy people don’t kill other people. (Name that movie!)

10. DON’T POOP WITH THE BATHROOM DOOR OPEN.
I don’t know why, but at some point I started thinking it was okay to poop with the bathroom door open, and so did she. First of all, it’s gross. Second of all, it stinks everything up. Third of all, there is literally no way to make pooping attractive, which means that every time she saw me do it, she, at least in some little way, would have thought I was less attractive.

IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d shut the damn door and poop in private.

BONUS! when she does think of your naked body, she’s not going to be thinking about it in a grunting/squatting position.

11. DON’T STOP KISSING HER.
It always got to a point when I’d more or less stop kissing her. Usually it was because things were stressful and there was tension in our relationship, and so I’d make it worse by refusing to kiss her. This of course would lead to her feeling rejected. Which would of course lead to arguments about it. Other times I had my own issues with germs and whatnot.

IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d kiss her in the morning when she looked like people do in the morning. I’d kiss her at night when she’s had a long day. I’d kiss her any time I felt like she secretly wanted a kiss. And, I’d kiss her even when my germ issues kicked in.

BONUS! she feels loved when you kiss her. That’s bonus enough.

12. DON’T STOP HAVING FUN TOGETHER.
Age shouldn’t matter. Physical ability shouldn’t matter. Couples should never stop having fun with each other, and I really wish I wouldn’t have gotten into so many ruts in which we didn’t really go out and do anything. And, I’ve been around the block enough times to know that when the fun is missing, and the social part of life is missing, so also goes missing the ability to be fully content with each other.

IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d make a rule with her that we’d never stay home two weekends in a row.

BONUS! awesome stories and awesome memories come from doing awesome things. And so do cherished embarrassing moments.


13. DON’T PRESSURE EACH OTHER.
Pressuring each other about anything is always a recipe for resentment. I always felt so pressured to make more money. I always felt so pressured to not slip in my religion. I always felt so pressured to feel certain ways about things when I felt the opposite. And I usually carried a lot of resentment. Looking back, I can think of just as many times that I pressured her, so I know it was a two-way street.

IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d make it a point to celebrate the different views, opinions, and ways that she had of doing things. I’d find the beauty in differentiation, not the threat.

BONUS! authentic happiness becomes a real possibility. And so do authentic foot rubs.

14. DON’T LABEL EACH OTHER WITH NEGATIVE LABELS.
Sometimes the easiest phrases to say in my marriage started with one of three things. Either, “you should have,” “you aren’t,” or “you didn’t.” Inevitably after each of those seemed to come something negative. And since when have negative labels ever helped anyone? They certainly never helped her. Or me. Instead, they seemed to make the action that sparked the label worsen in big ways.

IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I would learn to stop myself before saying any of those phrases, and then I’d switch them out for positive labels. Instead of “you should,” I’d say “you are great at.” Instead of saying “you aren’t,” I’d say “you are.” Instead of saying “you didn’t,” I’d say, “you did.” And then I’d follow it up with something positive.

BONUS! the noblest struggles become far more conquerable. And you don’t think or believe that you’re a schmuck, which is always nice.

15. DON’T SKIP OUT ON THINGS THAT ARE IMPORTANT TO HER.
It was so easy in marriage to veto so many of the things she enjoyed doing. My reasoning, “we can find things we both enjoy.” That’s lame. There will always be things she enjoys that I will never enjoy, and that’s no reason not to support her in them. Sometimes the only thing she needs is to know that I’m there.

IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d attend many more of the events that she invited me to. I would actively participate and not tell all the reasons why I’d do it differently or how it could be better or more fun or time better spent.

BONUS! go to something she knows you don’t enjoy and the gratitude gets piled on later that night, like whipped cream on a cheesecake.

16. DON’T EMOTIONALLY DISTANCE YOURSELF AFTER A FIGHT.
I never got to experience the power of make-up sex because any time my wife was mean or we got in a fight, I’d completely distance myself from her, usually for several days. Communication would shut down and I’d avoid contact at all cost. This never let things get worked out, and eventually after it had happened enough times I’d explode unnecessarily.

IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d let myself communicate my emotions and feelings more often, and I’d make sure that she knew I still loved her any time we had an ugly bout. Sure, we’d give each other some distance. But not days of distance.

BONUS! Fantastic make-up sex. Or at least that’s the theory.


http://www.danoah.com/2012/10/16-ways-i-blew-my-marriage.html

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[Apollyon]

As I was reading this, before I got to the end, I thought it was the OP. And I thought it remarkable that the OP could be such an ******* while married, and, yet, so fully and clearly illuminate how he was, and what would have fixed it. It makes me wonder if the person that wrote this realized any of this while he was married (and, twice, it seems), instead of after. Maybe then he wouldn't be a "2 time loser". I mean, it reads like he was a complete dick in all aspects, with no stone unturned, and no opportunity to be a schmuck lost, or, if there was a way he could wreck things, he did it, never missing any chance.

 

[Shinobiz11]

Respect, patience, and gratitude. Your happiness should be their happiness and vice versa. Though I am in a long-distance relationship and rarely see my fiancee, these have been my keys to success and why she can't enough of me. Like OP said, show your spouse you care about them,be kind, always try to impress them, be goofy and light-hearted, make your own inside jokes that you can laugh about any time. If you fight, you fight, no one has a perfect relationship, but its all about being humble and apologizing to fix it. I always think back to this...

Right now, my girl is dealing with this btch, Sandy. No power, a tree almost fell on their home and I'm freaking out. She called me about 30 minutes ago to tell me what was going on. Though I could barely understand the choppy, muffled words, I kept calm, told her I love her, made sure she was okay. It is really the little things that count; if you can keep them up, you'll have a successful relationship.

 

[xanthomondo]

10. DON’T POOP WITH THE BATHROOM DOOR OPEN.
I don’t know why, but at some point I started thinking it was okay to poop with the bathroom door open, and so did she. First of all, it’s gross. Second of all, it stinks everything up. Third of all, there is literally no way to make pooping attractive, which means that every time she saw me do it, she, at least in some little way, would have thought I was less attractive.

This is literally unfathomable for me. How ****ed up in the head do you have to be to do this?

 

[Gpan]

What a *****

 

[absolutdokta]

even if I'm home alone I still have have to close the door when I take a dump....guess it's a comfort thing or something

 

[netminder]

You know what blows big time?

. . .

5. DON’T YELL AT YOUR SPOUSE.
I’m not talking about the angry kind of yelling. I’m talking about the lazy kind of yelling. The kind of yelling you do when you don’t want to get up from your television show or you don’t want to go ALL THE WAY UPSTAIRS to ask her if she’s seen your keys. It really doesn’t take that much effort to go find her, and yelling (by nature) sounds demanding and authoritative.

IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d try to go find her anytime I needed something or wanted to know something, and I’d have both gratitude and manners when I did. I always hated when she would yell to me, so why did I always feel it was okay to yell to her?

BONUS! sometimes you catch her doing something cute that you would have missed otherwise.

6. DON’T CALL NAMES.
I always felt I was the king of not calling names, but I wasn’t. I may not have called her stupid, or idiot, or any of the other names she’d sometimes call me, but I would tell her she was stubborn, or that she was impossible, or that she was so hard to deal with. Names are names, and calling them will drive bigger wedges in communication than just about anything else.

IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: Any time it got to the point that I wanted to call names, I’d call a time-out and come back to it later. Or better yet, I’d call her names, but they’d be names like “super sexy” or “hotness.” Even in the heat of the moment.

BONUS! she’ll call you names in better places. Like the bedroom.

7. DON’T BE STINGY WITH YOUR MONEY.
As the main bread earner, I was always so stingy with the money. I’d whine about the cost of her shampoo or that she didn’t order water at restaurants, or that she’d spend so much money on things like pedicures or hair dye jobs. But seriously. I always had just as many if not more things that I spent my money on, and in the end, the money was spent, we were just fine, and the only thing my bitching and moaning did was bring undo stress to our relationship.

IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d tell her I trusted her to buy whatever she wanted, whenever she felt like she needed it. And then, I’d actually trust her to do it.

BONUS! sometimes she will make bad purchase decisions, which leads to makeup purchase decisions. Like that new gadget you’ve had your eyes on.
. . .

11. DON’T STOP KISSING HER.
It always got to a point when I’d more or less stop kissing her. Usually it was because things were stressful and there was tension in our relationship, and so I’d make it worse by refusing to kiss her. This of course would lead to her feeling rejected. Which would of course lead to arguments about it. Other times I had my own issues with germs and whatnot.

IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d kiss her in the morning when she looked like people do in the morning. I’d kiss her at night when she’s had a long day. I’d kiss her any time I felt like she secretly wanted a kiss. And, I’d kiss her even when my germ issues kicked in.

BONUS! she feels loved when you kiss her. That’s bonus enough.

. . .

13. DON’T PRESSURE EACH OTHER.
Pressuring each other about anything is always a recipe for resentment. I always felt so pressured to make more money. I always felt so pressured to not slip in my religion. I always felt so pressured to feel certain ways about things when I felt the opposite. And I usually carried a lot of resentment. Looking back, I can think of just as many times that I pressured her, so I know it was a two-way street.

IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d make it a point to celebrate the different views, opinions, and ways that she had of doing things. I’d find the beauty in differentiation, not the threat.

BONUS! authentic happiness becomes a real possibility. And so do authentic foot rubs.

. . .

16. DON’T EMOTIONALLY DISTANCE YOURSELF AFTER A FIGHT.
I never got to experience the power of make-up sex because any time my wife was mean or we got in a fight, I’d completely distance myself from her, usually for several days. Communication would shut down and I’d avoid contact at all cost. This never let things get worked out, and eventually after it had happened enough times I’d explode unnecessarily.

IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d let myself communicate my emotions and feelings more often, and I’d make sure that she knew I still loved her any time we had an ugly bout. Sure, we’d give each other some distance. But not days of distance.

BONUS! Fantastic make-up sex. Or at least that’s the theory.


http://www.danoah.com/2012/10/16-ways-i-blew-my-marriage.html

Damn. This is incredibly powerful. I need to remember to take this advice -- every day.

 

[VenusinFurs]

As I was reading this, before I got to the end, I thought it was the OP. And I thought it remarkable that the OP could be such an ******* while married, and, yet, so fully and clearly illuminate how he was, and what would have fixed it. It makes me wonder if the person that wrote this realized any of this while he was married (and, twice, it seems), instead of after. Maybe then he wouldn't be a "2 time loser". I mean, it reads like he was a complete dick in all aspects, with no stone unturned, and no opportunity to be a schmuck lost, or, if there was a way he could wreck things, he did it, never missing any chance.

It's almost never just one person's fault.

 

[Apollyon]

It's almost never just one person's fault.

Yeah, but this guy says he bagged it TWICE. So, sure, each time, she could have been partly at fault, but he is the common (douche) factor. And, as he regrets it, it doesn't sound like he reactively, if not proactively, tried to fix anything before it went kaput (TWICE). If half of marriages end up in divorce, that means half don't, which means either one or both parties don't F it up, or if they do, they fix it - not talk about it with clarity after total dissolution.

 

[Stroganoff]

Good read. I too thought it was the OP instead of an article. But considering it's the OP's first and only post, it could very well be him, heh.

Some of those things I don't think I would EVER do in a relationship (or alone). But others are good reminders and food for thought.

 

[Noegrus]

OP needs to stop kicking himself. You are a really nice guy. You basically woo'd the lady, she agreed to marry you, you fell back to 'normal', she walked out on you. Your fault is just that you chose to marry someone who didn't know and love the real YOU. The real YOU is the sloppy mess that you described. There are people out there who realize that you can't always be at the top of your game. You can control your farts and close the toilet door, right? What if you have an automobile accident, lose both your legs, and are bound to a wheelchair for the rest of your life? Can you control that? She'd have left you when that happened, right? Can you somehow make that right as well? The problem is not with you, the problem is with what you chose as wife material.
I used to do that same for people - bending over backwards, changing myself, etc etc. My parents told me to calm the **** down and take it easy. I didn't. The result was always the same - a mess. Learned my lesson. Now, I never, ever, ever change myself for anyone ever again. All it takes is one wonderful girl to change from singlehood to engaged-married. I am in no hurry to do that and neither should you, as long as you are talking to everyone you come across.
Simple fact: You were doing things that you were comfortable doing, and she couldn't take it. I would still lay the blame on you for making a bad choice, but this is a chronic problem with us guys. We don't realize that we are going to be fat and bald and we need to choose someone who will not walk out on us. Complaining and bickering is fair game. You don't have to turn into a pig, but she should be OK with the fact that you dye your hair, or that bald spot which you hide with the comb over. You are going to spend a freaking lifetime with this woman. She better love you for what you are! You chose someone who needed her hand to be held, who could not cook to save her life, and needed you to be dressed in neatly pressed slacks even when you had just woken up. You sleep with these women, you NEVER marry these women. Please learn from your experience. You marry the ones who will take a joke, will grab your hand when they want it, and will cook for you just because they want you to be happy. Yes, they are out there. Show her the dirty laundry, let her go. If she returns, she is yours forever, if she doesn't, you just avoided the bullet.

 

[VenusinFurs]

Fart in her face! Third date!

 

[dudeliness]

This is some good advice.

Edit:
Not referring to the post above mine.

 

[CaliGirl14]

super cute

 

[SpaceLeftBlank]

Most of this is not bad, but that farting thing is just crazy. The better strategy is to find a spouse who appreciates good fart jokes. Men, if you find a woman like that, never let her go.

 

[lunalight]

This is some good advice.

Edit:
Not referring to the post above mine.

Lmao

 

[emicsu]

This is one of the best posts I've ever read on sdn. Thank you.

 

[PlutoBoy]

What a wonderful piece. I will print it and share it with my wife.

 

[EmergDoc2B]

This is some good advice.

Edit:
Not referring to the post above mine.

that made me chuckle. Thank you sir!

 

[abolt18]

This is some good advice.

Edit:
Not referring to the post above mine.

HAHAHAHAHAHA

Honestly I'll say some of the things that have helped my wife and I most are serving each other, even when you are exhausted and just got home from a long day at work/school, setting goals together so we work towards the same thing (finances, eating healthy, vacation, etc...), and COMMUNICATION!!! Talking through our problems, frustrations, successes, and defeats like adults (i.e. no yelling or whining) has kept the peace. We've yelled one time in our whole marriage, and it lasted about a minute before we realized how we were treating each other. Respecting one another and supporting the other's decisions has been hugely important also. One of my favorite little quotes that has helped me be a better husband in my marriage goes as follows:

In those things which are essential, let there be unity.
In those things which are not essential, let there be liberty.
But in all things, let there be charity.

 

[dudeliness]

In those things which are essential, let there be unity.
In those things which are not essential, let there be liberty.
But in all things, let there be charity.

I like this.

 

[netminder]

abolt18, this is awesome. Thanks for posting this.

 

[lonniehebb]

Such a long list of tips wont help.. It's the understanding and adjustments from both the sides that matters.. Unscessful marriage is not because of one of the partners.. Both play a role in it.cataogues no credit check

 

[engineeredout]

I'm not even comfortable with one door for my bathroom. I want a panic room with multiple layers, soundproofing, independent ventilation systems for when I need to take a dump.

I do like that list. I'll have to show it to my fiancee.

 

[Gpan]

sex

 

[Success1212]

Thanks for this post! It was very interesting!!!

The one thing I would add is that I don't think using the bathroom makes you less attractive. It's natural... My husband cupped me one time (farted in his hand and put it near my face) and every since then it's been a war. I fart under the covers and put the sheets over his head or fan the sheets to watch his reaction. We just laugh about it. Our parents think we are crazy, but it is totally hilarious to us. So I think it depends on the couple. We are a lil goofy too though. We are usually the strange adults riding bikes (with no intention of buying one), bouncing on the oversized balls (after having thrown one at the unsuspecting spouse), and sword-fighting in the toy isle at Target or Wal-mart. and no... we haven't gotten kicked out yet.

 

[Gpan]

Thanks for this post! It was very interesting!!!

The one thing I would add is that I don't think using the bathroom makes you less attractive. It's natural... My husband cupped me one time (farted in his hand and put it near my face) and every since then it's been a war. I fart under the covers and put the sheets over his head or fan the sheets to watch his reaction. We just laugh about it. Our parents think we are crazy, but it is totally hilarious to us. So I think it depends on the couple. We are a lil goofy too though. We are usually the strange adults riding bikes (with no intention of buying one), bouncing on the oversized balls (after having thrown one at the unsuspecting spouse), and sword-fighting in the toy isle at Target or Wal-mart. and no... we haven't gotten kicked out yet.

 

[dudeliness]

Thanks for this post! It was very interesting!!!

The one thing I would add is that I don't think using the bathroom makes you less attractive. It's natural... My husband cupped me one time (farted in his hand and put it near my face) and every since then it's been a war. I fart under the covers and put the sheets over his head or fan the sheets to watch his reaction. We just laugh about it. Our parents think we are crazy, but it is totally hilarious to us. So I think it depends on the couple. We are a lil goofy too though.

Why do you discuss farting habits and bedroom games with your parents?

We are usually the strange adults riding bikes (with no intention of buying one), bouncing on the oversized balls (after having thrown one at the unsuspecting spouse), and sword-fighting in the toy isle at Target or Wal-mart. and no... we haven't gotten kicked out yet.

You're doing it wrong.

 

[abolt18]

Orthojoe posted this on his AMA the other day and I felt it provided some very valuable advice.

havent been back to rexburg since 1996. someday maybe -

I was a father of two with one on the way when I matriculated to med school (leaving with four, what can i say, my wife thinks I'm hot!).

first and foremost my priority is and will always be my family. This means that I did NOT have many friends in my class and it means I did NOT join many study groups and during clinical rotations I didnt go out with the residents after work... my time away from school/studies were with my family. I rarely did anything just for me, and I chose and learned that my relaxation/get away was my family.. and when I did something for myself I had made sure my father priorities were done first.

So things that helped --

(1) we got a home close to school so my wife could bring the kids to lunch. I ate lunch with them most days. then played around the school grounds, volleyball court, gym -- AZCOM actually has a great gym facility,basketball court and volleyball courts. We did this on rotations as well

(2) I enrolled my wife into studying and helping me. we would cuddle in bed and she would quiz me with flash cards, test materials, etc. To add a little incentive I would rub her back while she did this. Some of my funniest memories of med school was listening to my wife butcher medical lingo - and then on sunday have conversations with her friends at church where she would act like she knew all this medical material. It made me smile and laugh. Really this was huge for me. My wife bought into the idea that we were going to medical school together and when I did well, she did well. We would celebrate with a mcdonalds ice cream or something when I aced a test. Basically my wife really earned a medical degree with me. She probably could run circles around some medical students. shes kind of a "dumb blonde" personality so if my wife can do it, anyones can.

(3) As i mentioned before I am a firm believer that focused studying beats volume studying anyday (see previous posts). I would set at time to study for 1 hour, super focus, learn, read and when the timer goes off I would stop for 30 minutes, go play with my kids, help with dinner -- timer goes off after 30 minutes I would go back to studying. using visual cues (markers, underlining, circling, staring) are part of this super focused learning. There are a few books out there on this process.

(4) I avoided lectures at all costs. These eat up so much time. I wanted to learn at my pace. So I would record lectures and listen to them at 1.6X speed, go over notes a week in advance so that all i would do was listen to the spots of the lecture I needed a little help with. I believe the lecture format is an old model that should be changed.

(5) study groups - i mentioned this before.. i wanted to learn at my own pace and often times study groups end up having long conversations NOT about school, or someone is struggling to understand which holds back the learning. This sounds kind of selfish but its the reality of study groups. I didnt have the time or luxury to participate.

(6) SLEEP!! important to me. I never pulled all nighters (only when on call). I felt they do more damage than good - eating into the next day as well. If i needed an all nighter its becasue I didnt learn the material appropriately the first time. Studying for a test for me was a simple review of material I already understood. Memorizing this information does take time. But going into a study session for a test, understanding the concepts, made memorizing easy.

(7) date night with wife - invaluable for maintaining a solid relationship. at least once a week. finding a group of 3or 4 families and then rotating babysitting is the best way. All the kids would be dropped off for 2.5 hours to one family already haven had dinner. Therefore we had one crazy saturday for 2.5 hours but then free babysitter 3 saturdays of the month. we have a large backyard with a huge play set so we just sent the kids outside with cupcakes or something.. whallo! our 2.5 hours were up in no time.

(8) I love the motto "adjust and continue" - if something didnt work or a study session was bad I would quickly identify why then adjust. Example.. I learned quickly that studying at home during the day (8-5) was pretty detrimental because "dad was home!" or my wife would ask for my help -- so I stayed at school until 5ish studying at the library. sometimes I would come home earlier but not if I knew I needed to get good studying in.

(9) We taught our kids that when dad is in the office - its "do not disturb".. basically we also had to buy a lock for the door so that I could study. I could do this and not feel guilty because I knew in an hour from going in, I'd be out to play or help around the house.

(10) - lastly (sorry for those who are not religious or spiritual).. my wife and I are committed physically, emotionally and spiritually. We committed that nothing would stand in our way of having a solid and close family dedicated to GOD and providing an awesome life for them. I understood that in the grand scheme of things my family is more important and if my grades slipped (NOT because I didnt try but because a family priority came up or church responsibility) then so be it. I believe because I put my family and god first i was blessed. yes there were days I wasnt around for my kids and days I couldnt "fulfill" my church responsibilities myself (i just asked for help though). But overall we followed my family's motto "Do your best and let God do the rest" (yes pretty cheezy but good none the less -- it sounds better when a chorus of a 7 year old girl, a 5 and a 3 year old boy are saying it at night after our family prayers)

thats all i can think of right now.

Below is the link to the whole thread but this is the most specific to marriage and whatnot.

http://forums.studentdoctor.net/showthread.php?t=989582&page=3

 

[dudeliness]

Orthojoe posted this on his AMA the other day and I felt it provided some very valuable advice.



Below is the link to the whole thread but this is the most specific to marriage and whatnot.

http://forums.studentdoctor.net/showthread.php?t=989582&page=3

That's great!

 

[BenJammin]

I will never understand why someone with two failed marriages would give advice on how to keep a marriage alive. Nothing more pathetic than promoting marriage to a man, they have nothing to gain from it.

 

[abolt18]

I will never understand why someone with two failed marriages would give advice on how to keep a marriage alive. Nothing more pathetic than promoting marriage to a man, they have nothing to gain from it.

Nothing to gain but happiness, satisfaction, companionship, fulfillment, a family, stability, etc. My list could go on and on about all the great things I've received from my marriage with my wife. I'd promote marriage to any person, man or woman, so long as they are able to approach it appropriately. (i.e. don't go in expecting it to fail. Go in planning to make it work through thick and thin)

 

[TheFuture_22]

Nothing to gain but happiness, satisfaction, companionship, fulfillment, a family, stability, etc. My list could go on and on about all the great things I've received from my marriage with my wife. I'd promote marriage to any person, man or woman, so long as they are able to approach it appropriately. (i.e. don't go in expecting it to fail. Go in planning to make it work through thick and thin)

I agree. If you marry the right person, it can be very fulfilling. There is not a day in my life that I regret getting married. It is the best decision that I have ever made, and I know that my wife will stand by me through anything that we will go through during medical school.

 

[dudeliness]

I agree. If you marry the right person, it can be very fulfilling. There is not a day in my life that I regret getting married. It is the best decision that I have ever made, and I know that my wife will stand by me through anything that we will go through during medical school.

+1
Also, if we weren't both 100% committed to making med school work we wouldn't be doing it. Like abolt said, it's about both people committing to stick with it through thick and thin.

 

[VenusinFurs]

Nothing to gain but happiness, satisfaction, companionship, fulfillment, a family, stability, etc. My list could go on and on about all the great things I've received from my marriage with my wife. I'd promote marriage to any person, man or woman, so long as they are able to approach it appropriately. (i.e. don't go in expecting it to fail. Go in planning to make it work through thick and thin)

This quote is even better in a Ron Swanson voice.

 

[dudeliness]

This quote is even better in a Ron Swanson voice.

Ha ha! It's true!

 

[rain4venus]

This quote is even better in a Ron Swanson voice.

Ha ha! It's true!

"Would I get married again? Oh, absolutely. If you don't believe in love, what's the point of living?"

 

[abolt18]

"would i get married again? Oh, absolutely. If you don't believe in love, what's the point of living?"

+100000!

 

[huma2007]

This is by far one of the most productive posts, I have ever read.. Anywhere...Be it this forum or another. (And believe me - do I surf!)...

Not because this came from a man, who was the " M-A-N " in the relationship, but a retrospective yet careful approach, to what actually did happen.

Kudos to you sir, and may we all have it in ourselves to actually figure out, handle & change what is needed...when it is required....Amen.

Take Care.

(I wonder if anyone of your exes has actually read your article?)

 

[Staryy]

To keep your SO happy spend time with him or her.


Most Physicians' Spouses, Partners Say They're Happy

Robert Lowes

"Show me a doctor whose wife is happy," an old cartoon caption goes, "and I'll show you a man who's neglecting his practice."

The joke assumes that the norm for physician marriages is unhappiness and that physicians are "medical men," as they were called in a less liberated day.

A new study published online in Mayo Clinic Proceedings last month turns the joke on its head in several ways. It reports that 86.8% of physicians' spouses and partners said in a national survey that they were satisfied — and 55.4% extremely so — with their relationship with their stethoscoped other. Furthermore, 27.1% of these spouses and partners were men.

In addition, neglecting a medical practice is not the formula for keeping a physician's mate happy, it turns out. A multivariate analysis of the survey findings shows that the number of work hours logged by a physician per week is not a factor associated with extremely satisfied spouses and partners. Rather, the best predictor of the strongest relationships is the number of waking minutes the couples spend together. The only other factor associated with extremely satisfied spouses and partners is the number of nights per week the physician is on call.

The study is not the first to challenge the stereotype of the troubled medical marriage. It cites a single study in which 90% of married adults rated their relationship as favorable, and another in which 88% said they were either satisfied or completely satisfied.

All in all, physicians and their mates fare about as well as everyone else in domestic matters: Their satisfaction level roughly matches that for all married US adults in several surveys.

Few Physicians See Their Mate More Than 2 Hours Daily

The study authors identified physicians' partners and spouses for their line of questioning by asking physicians in an earlier survey to supply the email addresses of their mates if they were willing to be surveyed about relationship satisfaction. The researchers obtained email addresses for 1644 spouses and partners; of these, 891 sent back a completed questionnaire.

The median age of the responding spouses and partners was 51 years compared with 55 years for the physician. About 57% of physicians' mates worked outside the home, and almost 87% had children. Their demographic picture was consistent with that of the physicians, which suggests that survey participants were representative of physician mates as a whole, according to lead author Tait Shanafelt, MD, a hematologist at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota, and coauthors.

In these pairings, physicians worked a median 55 hours a week, whereas mates working outside the home put in a median of 40 hours (30 for women and 40 for men).

Good relationships need face time, the study suggests. Among couples who were together fewer than 20 minutes a day, slightly more than 20% of physician spouses and partners reported that they were extremely satisfied. This percentage exceeded 70% for mates who were with their physician partner more than 120 minutes each day.

Table. Face Time in Physician Marriages

Average Number of Minutes Spent Each Day With Spouse or Partner Percentage of Spouses and Partners of Physicians
≤20 9.3%
21 - 45 17%
46 - 90 24.3%
91 - 120 21.2%
>120 28.5%
Source: Mayo Clinic Proceedings.

Dr. Shanafelt and colleagues write that the study does not establish a causal link between minutes logged and satisfaction and allows for the possibility that happy couples are inclined to hang out more and unhappy couples less. Nevertheless, "the dose-response relationship between time spent together and satisfaction is notable," the authors write, adding that previous studies of physician marriages uncovered the same pattern.

"These data underscore that creating and protecting time together may be one critical ingredient for healthy relationships with physicians and that achieving it can mitigate many of the negative effects of excessive work hours and a demanding professional life," write Dr. Shanafelt, director of the Mayo Clinic Department of Medicine Program on Physician Well-being, and colleagues.

The study delved into some of the negatives of a medical marriage. The authors report that at least several times a week, when physicians came home, 34.1% were irritable, 43.5% were too tired to engage in family activities, and 46% still had their minds on that day's patients. Slightly more than 1 in 10 spouses and partners of physicians had seriously considered divorce in the previous 12 months. Still, 80.9% said they would choose a physician for a life partner again.

Dr. Shanafelt and coauthors acknowledge that survey results may skew to the sunny side because physicians who enjoy happy relationships may be more likely to put researchers in touch with their mates. However, one finding weakens that argument, they write: The percentage of physicians who said they had contemplated divorce in the last 12 months was 11.0%, which is remarkably close to the percentage of spouses and partners who had divorce on their minds. That similarity "would suggest that both satisfied and dissatisfied physicians provided contact information for their spouses/partners."

In an accompanying editorial, lead author Mary Warner, MD, from the Department of Anesthesiology, Mayo Clinic, Rochester, and coauthors write that Dr. Shanafelt's study "provides evidence that physicians and their spouses or partners make pretty good couples, with relationships...that are as stable and satisfying or better than those of the general population."

However, there is more about these relationships to explore, Dr. Warner and coauthors point out. Of the physician spouses and partners surveyed, 10.2% were physicians themselves and another 30.7% were some other kind of healthcare professional. Does relationship satisfaction differ among these groups? In addition, the study does not parse out what percentage of physicians are in same-sex relationships, which raises even more questions about who is feeling what — questions that few researchers asked in the days of medical men and their long-suffering wives.

The authors have disclosed no relevant financial relationships.

Mayo Clin Proc. 2013;88:216-225. Article full text, Editorial full text


Medscape Medical News © 2013 WebMD, LLC

Send comments and news tips to [email protected].

Cite this article: Most Physicians' Spouses, Partners Say They're Happy. Medscape. Apr 11, 2013.

 

[rain4venus]

A multivariate analysis of the survey findings shows that the number of work hours logged by a physician per week is not a factor associated with extremely satisfied spouses and partners. Rather, the best predictor of the strongest relationships is the number of waking minutes the couples spend together. The only other factor associated with extremely satisfied spouses and partners is the number of nights per week the physician is on call.

This seems pretty strange... The amount of time a doctor spends working isn't correlated with the amount of time he/she spends with his/her partner? Or with the number of nights on call?

 

[Staryy]

This seems pretty strange... The amount of time a doctor spends working isn't correlated with the amount of time he/she spends with his/her partner? Or with the number of nights on call?

Yeah it took me awhile to understand what they meant I the way I think of it is

-doctors can work long hours and spend their SPARE time AWAY from their spouse or work few hours and spend their SPARE time AWAY from their spouse = UNHAPPY spouse
OR
-doctors can work long hours and spend their SPARE time WITH their spouse or work few hours and spend their SPARE time WITH their the spouse = HAPPY spouse

 

[ToothbrushBuddy]

I have been married for four years now, and you are so absolutely right about everything you said here. And if you are married, or have been married for any length of time, then you know exactly what he is talking about. This advice goes just as easily for women as well. Thank you so much for having the courage to put all of this wonderful advice on this forum!

 

[Gauss44]

That's a good list.

 

[michigan1212]

Nothing to gain but happiness, satisfaction, companionship, fulfillment, a family, stability, etc. My list could go on and on about all the great things I've received from my marriage with my wife. I'd promote marriage to any person, man or woman, so long as they are able to approach it appropriately. (i.e. don't go in expecting it to fail. Go in planning to make it work through thick and thin)

Marriage is one of the greatest gifts anyone could ever give and receive once you find the right person. It is a lot of work, but the reward >>>>> work.

 

[plumhill]

Thought this sounded familiar...

Good advice, nonetheless.

http://www.danoah.com/2012/10/16-ways-i-blew-my-marriage.html