I'm new to dating a med student...hellllp!!!

[MakeupGF]

I met my my med student online, and after our first meeting (a perfect 4-day weekend he titled, "the BEST WEEKEND EVER") he asked me to be his girlfriend! We live about 3 states away from each other, and I have flown to see him since (he came to see me the first time). It was the summer when we started talking everyday online and on the phone.

School started for him and I knew it was going to be different but not THIS different. I've had a couple long term relationships and I'm able to keep them interested without any tricks but...

1. I'm wondering if the lack of attention (one phone call a week w/limited txting; he gets As on almost all exams) is a medical student thing? or is it a THIS guy thing? How can I tell??

2. Does anyone think long-distance AND dating a 2nd year med student is impossible?

I don't want to think that, because he was AMAZING when I first met him, and he was not in school. Which guy is he??!! Any experienced advice would be very appreciated!!

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[dotdash]

It can be the same man. The man you first was him, undistracted. The current man is the same man, but distracted by his everyday life.

I'm sure others in your situation will give you advice, too, so I'll play the older voice of reason/unreason. What's the end game here? If you are not going to move three states to be with him, then... long distance relationships falter in the best of circumstances between people who have a great deal of history and commitment.

 

[FuturaDocta]

BEST WEEKEND EVER?! you say?

In that case, I think one phone call a week is good enough. They hardly have time for that sort of thing, which is why they sometimes want a sig other in the same field because they understand what their time management is. Once he becomes a fourth year, he will have lots more time. But, right now until the end of third year, you will just push your luck with several visits in a week.

 

[xanthines]

It's hard to answer your first question without more information, but for most medical students the second year is easier in the sense they're getting used to medical school. However, during second year there looms a very long (and expensive!) test many obsess over. It's probably the major determinant for residency (the other being 3rd year grades). The test is called "Step 1" and your score means the difference between a cushy dermatology residency in sunny California vs slave labor family medicine in the cold clutches of the midwest. So most students tend to be very busy, very focused, and very stressed out, despite their best efforts to hide it.

As for your second question, no it is definitely not impossible. Your relationship can survive with enough patience and hardwork on both your parts.

For long-distance relationships I think a visit once a month is pretty good. Phone calls one a week with texting seems pretty OK. He could probably do better, but it doesn't sound that bad to me. I guess it depends on the quality of the phone call and texts, though.

I guess it also depends on how long the long distance is. From Baltimore to NYC probably isn't too bad, but New Orleans to Denver is a bit harder. (Both three states away from each other, btw!)

So yes, it is possible to survive but it isn't easy. Dotdash is right that they can fail despite their apparent invincibility. Just hang in there and hope for the best!

-X

 

[kralwok]

1. I'm wondering if the lack of attention (one phone call a week w/limited txting; he gets As on almost all exams) is a medical student thing? or is it a THIS guy thing? How can I tell??

2. Does anyone think long-distance AND dating a 2nd year med student is impossible?

1. sorry to say this, but it is a THIS guy thing. i met my now husband right after first year of medical school. we went to different medical schools that were nearby but not close enough to be able to see each other during the week. we spoke on the phone pretty much every night. he should have 10 or 15 minutes to spare before bed. second year of med school is not that hard compared to third year of medical school or residency. if he can't find the time now, then i think things could get worse from here. just because he gets a's on exams does not mean that he needs all of his time for studying -- or if he does, is that the kind of person you want to be with?? it's possible he has time management issues so that is why he is having difficulty communicating more, but if that is the case then things will likely get worse and not better unless he learns to fix that.
this is not meant to be discouraging or mean, but more to give you some perspective since i was once a a med student and once dated a med student.

2. a long distance relationship is possible but challenging. we saw each other pretty much every weekend, though it wasn't that far of a distance and we both had to study so it is not like i minded that he needed to sit in the library for 8 hours/day . if i had not also been in med school, it would have been more realistic to hang out more like one or two weekends/month.

 

[Moonglow]

Originally Posted by MakeupGF

2. Does anyone think long-distance AND dating a 2nd year med student is impossible?

Wow! Double whammy. Probably one of the most impossible human relationships to maintain.

 

[ABCZXX]

Wow! Double whammy. Probably one of the most impossible human relationships to maintain.

I would say that it's great for him if he is very busy--then a long-distance relationship might be more feasible than a proximal one. I say ride the good feeling for as long as it lasts; but, try not to get too badly hurt if a breakup is inevitable (which other people in this thread know more about the time management difficulties than I do). Either way, I believe you two may have found love. Good luck!

 

[sumstorm]

My poor husband gets 7 minutes on the phone a day; the time it takes for me to drive home from school (we live 3 hours apart) and he gets 1 weekend a month; he has to do the driving though. He could have another 7 minutes if he wanted to talk on the way to school. If he isn't here on the weekend, he probably gets 30m - 1 h on the weekend over the phone...and the occasional email.

It has nothing to do with how amazying my husband is; it has everything to do with being in classes from 8am-4:30pm four days a week, and 8am-6pm one day, plus wet labs 1-2 evenings a week, and wetlabs on the weekend, plus study groups and other activities.

On the same note, though, I wouldn't be dating at this time. I just don't have the energy to dedicate to a relationship. I am fortunate that my husband understands and encourages me....and that we have both made sacrifices for the other.

 

[MakeupGF]

Hey thanks you guys for writing back to my post !!! I've never tried a blog before so this has been a good intro

I understand the encouraging posts AND the ones with vivid realism. Believe me, I've thought about things from both ends of the spectrum and am being hopeful, but also very skeptical. If it works, it would be a fairy tale I'm happy to be a part of, if not it'll be another learning experience for both of us and life goes on

We actually got to talk for 1.5 hours last night!! He said he feels bad he put me in this position (dating a med student and being far away), but he likes me more than anyone he's dated before and wants to keep trying together...thats all I needed for a while to get me through this stretch of not seeing him. We did make plans to spend our winter breaks together, and wow I can't wait!!

So in the mean time I'll just teach myself to be patient, send him cute pics of me to cheer him up, postcards to say hello!...And make sure that I can handle and even want to handle a relationship with someone who is so dedicated AND so far away

Again, thank you for your thoughtful responses, and feel free to post more!!!