Holiday Family hosting Etiquette

[finalpsychyear]

Hosting Wife's family for our first xmas this year in our new house (rental)l that no one has visited yet so that will be 10 people not including us and everyone is out of state. Half are coming just to see us and half are coming because they were already in the area doing xmas with other family and stopping by day after xmas. Everyone will be here for 4-5 days at our place.

What is the etiquette when we go out to eat dinner or events like the zoo etc since little kids are involved. Should I be paying for every thing every time I am guessing probably 3 dinners out during the week's visit and maybe 2 events like zoo, movies, ice skating etc in addition to 1 meal catered each day which of course I'd be paying for.

They are not cheap when we visit but we've only gone out for food in groups when we visit them but no events. Also, since they live close to each other we only stay 1-2 days max at any one of her family's residences in a 4-5 day trip and each time they will always pay if we do happen to go out for food so 1x maybe during the visit. Typically there will be one large outing when everyone goes out for dinner and usually her siblings won't let us pay and split the costs among themselves.

Also, I am not cheap in general if only one of the siblings were visiting with their family I would be doing every meal and event no question. I already told my wife that we can cater food every day for dinner 3-4x during that week but i thought if also going out to eat multiple times on top of that plus events that was a bit unreasonable. Everyone visiting is doing better than us financially so no one is hurting financially.

---

Members don't see this ad.

 

[TheRightMedication]

I would ask the matriarchs and patriarchs of the families what they think is appropriate. Worst case scenario, unilaterally put up boundaries about what you will and won't pay for.

 

[Merovinge]

Really this is a discussion to be had for your wife. Is she interested in covering everything for everyone? Or would she like to pay for it all and then send a total on Venmo to each respective family for their share? Pay for it all and send part of it to be split? Particularly if people are well of they may want to cover their share.

 

[calvnandhobbs68]

Really this is a discussion to be had for your wife. Is she interested in covering everything for everyone? Or would she like to pay for it all and then send a total on Venmo to each respective family for their share? Pay for it all and send part of it to be split? Particularly if people are well of they may want to cover their share.

yeah this sounds like a you and wife talk doesnt really matter what we think lol

 

[singasongofjoy]

Every family will have different history and expectations; since it is her family, i would expect her to communicate with the elder family members she is the closest with to suss out expectations and be the one to communicate with everyone once you two have decided on them. The most important thing is clear communication ahead of time with everyone involved.

In case you're interested in what others would do in similar circumstances, In the context of my family if there were that many people visiting for that many days, I would prob send out a group text / email stating my excitement about the upcoming visit, that we would be catering/providing ABC meals on us, that XYZ were fun "event/outing" options in the area and our willingness to pay for one of those for everyone (if that were true... which would be unlikely, especially if we were also paying for food for 10 people multiple meals!) and invitation to commence group discussion about which event/outing the most people were interested in and on which days. It may very well be that some people already have tentative plans for some of the time (especially those with other family in the area) so discussion about coordinating schedules might be in order anyway, and provides opportunity to specify which "anchor" meals and decided event will be provided and also that you're also opening the conversation for others want to coordinate various other activities/events they may wish to do together (or on their own) (with the implication ro explicit statement that would be on their own respective dimes).

In my family there's a general awareness of the financial states of various family members and the assumption is that those who are not in school will cover their own way (and anticipated cost is shared up front) unless someone offers up front to cover them at the time of invite to whatever event,, and also that people might choose to go separate ways for some parts of a trip / visit with no hard feelings. Those in better financial states may offer to pay for those who are more strapped, sometimes with the proposal to cover cost if the other will do some other task (at this point in my life I am more than happy to help fund someone else for the joy of their company, especially with the proposal that perhaps in return they could take on some of the executive functioning tasks like meal planning and parsing out grocery lists to attendees for what they can bring, if they have the time and inclination-- or babysitting one evening so we can get some away time). Maybe you could propose something similar if there are any in the group that might be a good fit for. But again, would leave the communication to your wife since it's her family involved.

Good luck and hope you all have a wonderful time together!

 

[clozareal]

Talk to your wife about what you and her are comfortable with. She might have background on what her family would do too. It might be worthwhile to talk to other key family members about their expectations for the visit. Just ask them openly about who will pay for what to avoid misunderstandings, especially if it's big expenses. There are a LOT of kids in my wife's family and having to buy them all gifts is cumbersome. We do white elephant or secret santa to limit the costs with the ones who are not that young and get more affordable but big appearing gifts for the younger kids.

If they've always paid for food when you stayed with them, then it would be proper for you to pay for food when they stay with you regardless of number of days. It's past precedent. Hopefully they don't overstay their welcome. It's really tough because you'll also preparing your home and cleaning up as well. You can do one really nice catering and the rest cheaper catering (pizza, pasta, Chinese, etc) so they get the idea.

I think for activities like dining out or going to the zoo, it's reasonable to suggest splitting costs especially since you're already catering meals at home. If you'd like, you can offer to pay for the first dinner out or event to set a generous tone, but then propose splitting costs for subsequent outings.

Whenever our family visits, we try to be mindful of budget constraints and try to do an enjoyable and cost-effective activity, like going for a picnic in the park or a nearby hike. I try to avoid assumptions about what others can afford since even though they might be doing well financially, each family will have different priorities or unforeseen expenses.

During the holidays, I always try to remember that the main goal is to enjoy each other’s company. The financial aspects (yes, they're important important) are secondary to the quality time spent together. This is the same as any family gathering such as engagement parties, weddings, baby showers. Trying to save money and not bringing a gift or paying for something may sour the relationship that will cost you more in the long run. I had to learn that the hard way by having someone in our family be really offended that they weren't invited to our wedding (more distant relatives but had lots of social influence in the family), which was limited by number and budget since we were paying for it ourselves on a resident salary.

 

[annoyedpsychiatrist]

agree with above, better to talk with your wife now, rather than apologizing later, lol. I just got married recently and personally when I go out with her parents+her, they usually pay for their own food and I pay for my wifes+plus mine. Even when i visited home, i paid for my own food/wifes and my parents paid for theres. Just made it easier honestly and wife was cool with that. No hard feelings all around/expectations. Were all adults, and they have had 50+ years to save money whereas im assuming youve been an attending for a few years or so? So if thats the case while you're making money, I assume youre not loaded by any means, and still trying to establish yourself.

personally what i would do is pay 1-2x or so just as a nice gesture, rather than an expectation. Something reasonable like a movie or ice skating.

 

[finalpsychyear]

agree with above, better to talk with your wife now, rather than apologizing later, lol. I just got married recently and personally when I go out with her parents+her, they usually pay for their own food and I pay for my wifes+plus mine. Even when i visited home, i paid for my own food/wifes and my parents paid for theres. Just made it easier honestly and wife was cool with that. No hard feelings all around/expectations. Were all adults, and they have had 50+ years to save money whereas im assuming youve been an attending for a few years or so? So if thats the case while you're making money, I assume youre not loaded by any means, and still trying to establish yourself.

personally what i would do is pay 1-2x or so just as a nice gesture, rather than an expectation. Something reasonable like a movie or ice skating.

I've visited their family out of state maybe 10 times since 2020 since we met during covid. Pretty much wife's siblings and parent has always paid we are talking maybe 10-20 meals if you count take out and eating out. While a few of the family has visited us already and we have done the same but not more than 3-4 at the same time.

There hasn't been any type of get together where 10 plus people are in the same house for this many days aside from a graduation in the nieces college state few months ago where the older sibling paid for an air bnb and let us stay there (free) and provided all meals (take out) for 2-3 days. but it was his kids out of state graduation thing.

My wife just says do what your comfortable doing. To me this means of course ill be catering 3-4 meals (dinners during the week) and not dominos pizza type of catering but at least middle eastern, thai, indian etc so probably $200-250 per catering meal for 10-12 people plus paying for at least the first meal out and zoo and bowling for everyone and we do secret santa so no one buys more than 1 gift.

I'm not cheap about this stuff usually this is just a different situation so i think at the very least all the 3-4 catering plus the first outing meal plus whatever entertainment zoo/bowing etc should be on me as a given.

Define loaded?

 

[annoyedpsychiatrist]

I've visited their family out of state maybe 10 times since 2020 since we met during covid. Pretty much wife's siblings and parent has always paid we are talking maybe 10-20 meals if you count take out and eating out. While a few of the family has visited us already and we have done the same but not more than 3-4 at the same time.

There hasn't been any type of get together where 10 plus people are in the same house for this many days aside from a graduation in the nieces college state few months ago where the older sibling paid for an air bnb and let us stay there (free) and provided all meals (take out) for 2-3 days. but it was his kids out of state graduation thing.

My wife just says do what your comfortable doing. To me this means of course ill be catering 3-4 meals (dinners during the week) and not dominos pizza type of catering but at least middle eastern, thai, indian etc so probably $200-250 per catering meal for 10-12 people plus paying for at least the first meal out and zoo and bowling for everyone and we do secret santa so no one buys more than 1 gift.

I'm not cheap about this stuff usually this is just a different situation so i think at the very least all the 3-4 catering plus the first outing meal plus whatever entertainment zoo/bowing etc should be on me as a given.

Define loaded?

I mean thats a pretty substantial amount of money to spend, for me personally I would not go to that extent, but our situations are a lot different. You have to balance what you feel is the right thing to do, with what you feel is also financially responsible. If spending that kind of money will give you some sort of negative impact than its important to stay within your means. I think its reasonable to look at the situation objectively and ask yourself what a fair cutoff is and hold true to that. Youre not obligated to do anything besides the obligations you set on yourself. Your focus appears to be on making every content/happy and feeling right with your decision, so id recommend asking yourself whats the best "happy medium" so to speak, to where you feel like you have been fair to them, and fair to yourself

 

[calvnandhobbs68]

My wife just says do what your comfortable doing. To me this means of course ill be catering 3-4 meals (dinners during the week) and not dominos pizza type of catering but at least middle eastern, thai, indian etc so probably $200-250 per catering meal for 10-12 people plus paying for at least the first meal out and zoo and bowling for everyone and we do secret santa so no one buys more than 1 gift.

lol tell her be real, what does she actually want to do, it's HER family.

She's definitely got an opinion on this and her saying "do what you're comfortable doing" vs "what WE'RE comfortable doing" is her displacing responsibility on this onto you for some reason, she's setting you up for a lose lose situation haha.

 

[Merovinge]

I've visited their family out of state maybe 10 times since 2020 since we met during covid. Pretty much wife's siblings and parent has always paid we are talking maybe 10-20 meals if you count take out and eating out. While a few of the family has visited us already and we have done the same but not more than 3-4 at the same time.

There hasn't been any type of get together where 10 plus people are in the same house for this many days aside from a graduation in the nieces college state few months ago where the older sibling paid for an air bnb and let us stay there (free) and provided all meals (take out) for 2-3 days. but it was his kids out of state graduation thing.

My wife just says do what your comfortable doing. To me this means of course ill be catering 3-4 meals (dinners during the week) and not dominos pizza type of catering but at least middle eastern, thai, indian etc so probably $200-250 per catering meal for 10-12 people plus paying for at least the first meal out and zoo and bowling for everyone and we do secret santa so no one buys more than 1 gift.

I'm not cheap about this stuff usually this is just a different situation so i think at the very least all the 3-4 catering plus the first outing meal plus whatever entertainment zoo/bowing etc should be on me as a given.

Define loaded?

Makes sense to me. Cheaping out with family when you are in a secure financial position has to be on of the silliest self-inflicted wounds. What's the point of making a doctor salary if you have to worry about catering a few meals and covering folks at a zoo. Her family seems plenty inclined to cover you for things such that it will likely mostly come out in the wash. If this is keeping you from achieving some big financial goal, that's one thing to consider, but if its merely keeping $1500 less in VTI, then spend on. Particularly since you have great taste in delivery food .

 

[clausewitz2]

My upbringing is such that if multiple breadwinning adults are all involved in a meal out the only decision to make is how you are going to attempt to trick the others into being away from the table when the check comes so that you can pay for it without very vigorous contention. My maternal grandfather was exceptionally good at this, to the point of calling restaurants ahead of time to ensure that he got to pay for things and the check never materialized. Announcing activities and plans to cater in advance would also lead to a deluge of texts offering to pay for various aspects (that would have to be politely declined initially and only accepted if the other party really insisted, which they mostly would). I recognize not all cultures see paying for things as a working adult as a badge of honor in the same way, though.

 

[clozareal]

She's putting the onus on you as opposed to talking it through and discussing what seems reasonable for the relationship dynamics. You're being thoughtful about what this means for the relationship between your family and hers, but it seems like she's ignoring that.

But everyone's relationship is different. I know some married couples who still split all their expenses, Venmo each other for bills/meals, have their own separate bank accounts, and are doing fine. At least one of the couples never plans to combine finances. I know another married couple who has one person who handles all the finances and the other doesn't even know how much money they have in their investments, retirements, how much they spend per month, etc. Every time I talk to him about finances, he changes the topic but my spouse talks to his wife about how frustrating it is for her that he isn't willing to talk about it.

What you're doing is extremely generous and probably a good way to build social capital amongst her family so long as they don't take advantage of you. It also depends on your personal financial circumstances though but if you're already an attending and have a good financial plan in place, then a few hundred or thousand dollars here will likely not hurt you in the long run. Being cheap is more likely to hurt you in the long run.

 

[Merovinge]

She's putting the onus on you as opposed to talking it through and discussing what seems reasonable for the relationship dynamics. You're being thoughtful about what this means for the relationship between your family and hers, but it seems like she's ignoring that.

But everyone's relationship is different. I know some married couples who still split all their expenses, Venmo each other for bills/meals, have their own separate bank accounts, and are doing fine. At least one of the couples never plans to combine finances. I know another married couple who has one person who handles all the finances and the other doesn't even know how much money they have in their investments, retirements, how much they spend per month, etc. Every time I talk to him about finances, he changes the topic but my spouse talks to his wife about how frustrating it is for her that he isn't willing to talk about it.

What you're doing is extremely generous and probably a good way to build social capital amongst her family so long as they don't take advantage of you. It also depends on your personal financial circumstances though but if you're already an attending and have a good financial plan in place, then a few hundred or thousand dollars here will likely not hurt you in the long run. Being cheap is more likely to hurt you in the long run.

To that extreme, I think that's a bit like saying I know couples who sleep with 15 other partners each and are doing fine. Are there a few people like that? Yes. But it's also a bit of letting the exception crowd into the normal. Marriage is, like it or not, a merging of finances. The divorce courts, nor law, care if you keep it in a seperate account or bucket. Proceeds of the marriage are owned by the marriage. Don't want to merge finances legally? Easy solution, don't get married. If people want to have seperate accounts for fun money and use that as a bucket budget strategy that makes sense to me. But otherwise it's mental and physical gymnastics to split something that is actually merged and is not impacting it being merged.

 

[Stagg737]

To that extreme, I think that's a bit like saying I know couples who sleep with 15 other partners each and are doing fine. Are there a few people like that? Yes. But it's also a bit of letting the exception crowd into the normal. Marriage is, like it or not, a merging of finances. The divorce courts, nor law, care if you keep it in a seperate account or bucket. Proceeds of the marriage are owned by the marriage. Don't want to merge finances legally? Easy solution, don't get married. If people want to have seperate accounts for fun money and use that as a bucket budget strategy that makes sense to me. But otherwise it's mental and physical gymnastics to split something that is actually merged and is not impacting it being merged.

I'm in a marriage like what Cloz described and it has nothing to do with divorce or legal aspects. Initially it was because my credit score was great (800+) and hers was mediocre (upper 600's). Now it's because I'm just a far more financially responsible individual and neither of us trust her to handle the money I bring in or accounts beyond her bank account. It is far easier for her to just worry about her own account and not how much she is pulling from what would be our account. Joining our accounts would require far more gymnastics than just keeping things separate as she is absolutely awful about communicating how much money she has and how much she is spending at any given time.

 

[Merovinge]

I'm in a marriage like what Cloz described and it has nothing to do with divorce or legal aspects. Initially it was because my credit score was great (800+) and hers was mediocre (upper 600's). Now it's because I'm just a far more financially responsible individual and neither of us trust her to handle the money I bring in or accounts beyond her bank account. It is far easier for her to just worry about her own account and not how much she is pulling from what would be our account. Joining our accounts would require far more gymnastics than just keeping things separate as she is absolutely awful about communicating how much money she has and how much she is spending at any given time.

That's a lot more like bucketing fun money into a seperate account. It does not sound like you guys are sending venmos back and forth every few days to split rent/utilities/groceries/concert tickets etc.

 

[clozareal]

That's a lot more like bucketing fun money into a seperate account. It does not sound like you guys are sending venmos back and forth every few days to split rent/utilities/groceries/concert tickets etc.

The Venmoing back and forth is just one couple I know which is an extreme but the separate finances is the more common scenario. One of my married friends who is a physician and the spouse isn't splits up their bills/rent/spending proportional to their income which seems like more work than just combining finances. These are extreme examples of course and the more common scenario is to have a joint account and separate personal accounts. It's a lot of work to join accounts and it can depend on when your finances become more complex. I don't think it necessarily matters if the finances are transparent between couples or that the finances are split in whatever way. What matters more is if there's conflict arising from money matters.

In OP's situation, there seems to be no conflict between the marriage but more so an internal struggle with what is socially appropriate for this scenario. Spending too much can also make other people feel uncomfortable or a need to reciprocate. I don't think that $200-300 catering per night is unreasonable though for that many people. ~$20/pp seems fine for catering at home.

 

[Merovinge]

The Venmoing back and forth is just one couple I know which is an extreme but the separate finances is the more common scenario. One of my married friends who is a physician and the spouse isn't splits up their bills/rent/spending proportional to their income which seems like more work than just combining finances. These are extreme examples of course and the more common scenario is to have a joint account and separate personal accounts. It's a lot of work to join accounts and it can depend on when your finances become more complex. I don't think it necessarily matters if the finances are transparent between couples or that the finances are split in whatever way. What matters more is if there's conflict arising from money matters.

In OP's situation, there seems to be no conflict between the marriage but more so an internal struggle with what is socially appropriate for this scenario. Spending too much can also make other people feel uncomfortable or a need to reciprocate. I don't think that $200-300 catering per night is unreasonable though for that many people. ~$20/pp seems fine for catering at home.

I think we're going to have to agree to disagree on that. I spent under an hour getting added to my wife's bank account, and spent under an hour adding her to my Vanguard account. I opened a joint online account bank when HYSA made sense and that took only a few more minutes than opening an individual account. Conflict naturally arises due to lack of transparency, this is not different than other areas even if there is more taboo or weird cultural things around money. I cannot imagine a couples therapist recommending the solution to a couple's problem is to reduce transparency. Money issues are the number 1 cause of divorce and I just cannot see a world in which obfuscating the situation leads to better outcomes.

 

[PsyDr]

The Emily Post answer is that once you invited them, you became the host, and the host pays.

 

[FlowRate]

To that extreme, I think that's a bit like saying I know couples who sleep with 15 other partners each and are doing fine. Are there a few people like that? Yes. But it's also a bit of letting the exception crowd into the normal. Marriage is, like it or not, a merging of finances. The divorce courts, nor law, care if you keep it in a seperate account or bucket. Proceeds of the marriage are owned by the marriage. Don't want to merge finances legally? Easy solution, don't get married. If people want to have seperate accounts for fun money and use that as a bucket budget strategy that makes sense to me. But otherwise it's mental and physical gymnastics to split something that is actually merged and is not impacting it being merged.

That's not exactly 100% true. There are some states where a prenup can have negotiated limits on division of assets on divorce as long as it's reasonably fair and there's clear consideration (paid for future spouse's own independent counsel.) Although prenup terms tend to most clear-cut as binding when delineating premarital assets that are not to be commingled.

 

[Stagg737]

That's a lot more like bucketing fun money into a seperate account. It does not sound like you guys are sending venmos back and forth every few days to split rent/utilities/groceries/concert tickets etc.

That's more what it's like now, but before I made attending salary we did split bills and the Venmos were pretty much a one way transaction to help her with covering her share of rent/bills (despite her making more). She's financially clueless and is very open about it. It has always been far easier for me to just be financially responsible and keep track of the money I ('we' by extension, obviously) have in my accounts and not what she is spending on. Ie, it's better for our marriage and my mental health to not know the dumb financial decisions that go into her shopping therapy and crafting as long as she's helping with some bills and I can make sure we're investing for retirement/general life well. If we merged accounts and I saw all of the frivolous and unnecessary/imo wasteful spending I'd probably constantly be losing my mind and she'd be in a constant state of guilt, which neither of us want the other to have to deal with.

 

[finalpsychyear]

The Emily Post answer is that once you invited them, you became the host, and the host pays.

I think she has a 3 day rule for guests. I think providing 3 meals/day for 5 days with 1 meal daily being restaurant/catering/take out/dine for 10+ people on top of paying for 1-2 events like zoo, movies, ice skating is not being a cheap host. They also have probably paid for 10-15 meals including take out/dining over the last few years so I feel its actually a bit cheap for not doing this.

 

[PsyDr]

I think she has a 3 day rule for guests. I think providing 3 meals/day for 5 days with 1 meal daily being restaurant/catering/take out/dine for 10+ people on top of paying for 1-2 events like zoo, movies, ice skating is not being a cheap host. They also have probably paid for 10-15 meals including take out/dining over the last few years so I feel it’s actually a bit cheap for not doing this.

1) Not really. People “summer” for months, and have long term guests. I’ve been one.

2) I think you’re conflating etiquette with a different family dynamic question. Those are two separate questions.

3) The formal answer is: you pay. For everything else, you need to talk to your wife.

4) You’re spending an inordinate amount of time, providing counter arguments for any position that says you pay. That’s seems to indicate that you don’t want to pay. I’m sure you have your reasons. Maybe you have other financial obligations, maybe your in laws are jerks, maybe their kids are breathtakingly ugly. Who know? But you clearly don’t want to pay. That’s cool. But you need to tell your wife, “I don’t want to pay for XYZ”. Tell her your reasons. Usually making those reasons objective helps the discussion (e.g., “if we drop $2k on food, we won’t be able to meet (insert specific financial goal)”). It might be the case that you don’t have a general sense as a couple of your financial goals, and this can lead to a decision. Unless you’re in another cultural tradition where one gender or the other makes the financial decisions.

 

[Merovinge]

That's not exactly 100% true. There are some states where a prenup can have negotiated limits on division of assets on divorce as long as it's reasonably fair and there's clear consideration (paid for future spouse's own independent counsel.) Although prenup terms tend to most clear-cut as binding when delineating premarital assets that are not to be commingled.

I had a gross misunderstanding of prenups prior to all my friend's getting married (most of whom are physicians). We were pushing for a friend to consider a prenup with someone who had serious gold digger vibes which is when I learned that since he had no money going into the marriage and would be making his specialty surgeon attending salary after marriage, a prenup would do nothing. He spoke to a marriage attorney in our state to find this out. I don't profess to know the ins/outs of 50 state's prenup laws, but certainly the general rule is that anything earned during marriage is owned by the marriage partners. I'm glad we are pointing out exceptions to laws, but for the average med student/resident, what I'm posting should be the baseline assumption in their lives.

 

[finalpsychyear]

I had a gross misunderstanding of prenups prior to all my friend's getting married (most of whom are physicians). We were pushing for a friend to consider a prenup with someone who had serious gold digger vibes which is when I learned that since he had no money going into the marriage and would be making his specialty surgeon attending salary after marriage, a prenup would do nothing. He spoke to a marriage attorney in our state to find this out. I don't profess to know the ins/outs of 50 state's prenup laws, but certainly the general rule is that anything earned during marriage is owned by the marriage partners. I'm glad we are pointing out exceptions to laws, but for the average med student/resident, what I'm posting should be the baseline assumption in their lives.

Few of my friends got married late 30s and had made quite a bit of money and bought a house so that was all theirs entering marriage. Also a 401k/ira/brokerage funded pre marriage is allowed to grow divorce free for life but anything contributed during marriage is shared which is something i didn't know.

 

[FlowRate]

I had a gross misunderstanding of prenups prior to all my friend's getting married (most of whom are physicians). We were pushing for a friend to consider a prenup with someone who had serious gold digger vibes which is when I learned that since he had no money going into the marriage and would be making his specialty surgeon attending salary after marriage, a prenup would do nothing. He spoke to a marriage attorney in our state to find this out. I don't profess to know the ins/outs of 50 state's prenup laws, but certainly the general rule is that anything earned during marriage is owned by the marriage partners. I'm glad we are pointing out exceptions to laws, but for the average med student/resident, what I'm posting should be the baseline assumption in their lives.

I think this is a bit of an oversimplification/common lore you hear from physicians talking about prenups. If there's appropriate consideration, it's not signed under duress, and it's not unconscionable, prenups can be enforceable, including with provisions regarding postmarital assets and spousal support. There are numerous neutral articles (not just websites of lawyers who do that sort of work) talking about how they are useful. A prenup wouldn't "do nothing" but it might not do what you and your friends were hoping it would do (hang the golddigger out to dry if they got divorced) because it has to be a reasonable prenup.