Family very disappointed in my choice

[birchswing]

At the end of the day, when you pull up in your Range Rover bespoke in your Tom Ford double breasted suit with a maduro hanging out of your mouth like Freud you're not gonna give a damn about what other people think about you, mother included.

I thought your post made a lot of sense until this part.

A fantasy (defense mechanism) of more defense mechanisms in the future (rich trappings) enveloping you from the criticisms of your mother is just that . . . a fantasy escaping the present moment. You're saying, "My mother can't hurt me in the future if I pretend these things will exist," which is pretty much the same as saying, "My mother is hurting me so I'm doing mental convolutions in my mind."

Plus, (and I don't say this to sound evolved) I don't think the material goods thing ever actually works. I'm not against it if it actually worked, but in my limited experience of having "trappings," there's no effect.

There's an irony when considering this forum's semi-consensus on the maladaptive nature of service dogs and then extolling "service" Range Rovers for overcoming mother's criticism (plus it's punny . . . "Rover" [the dog] vs. Range Rover). Actually before I knew this was a cultural issue, I was going to respond to OP that his mother needed a job/hobby/dog (essentially her own life), but I understand in some cultures there's more emphasis on the collective than individual.

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[Mad Jack]

please seek some professional help

going on this forum isn't going to fix your dysfunctional core beliefs... or interpersonal issues between yourself and your mom

The trouble is that these are core cultural beliefs- those are hard to shake, as forsaking them is forsaking one's entire identity and being outcast in return if one takes it too far. That's a big deal to someone that deeply holds the belief that family is the central purpose of one's life (a belief that is a subjective value judgment and not objective to begin with). While I agree that sacrificing one's happiness for their mother's bragging rights would be ridiculous, that is largely because I was raised in an individualist western mindset that makes me not see things from OP's perspective.

 

[deleted547631]

I thought your post made a lot of sense until this part.

A fantasy (defense mechanism) of more defense mechanisms in the future (rich trappings) enveloping you from the criticisms of your mother is just that . . . a fantasy escaping the present moment. You're saying, "My mother can't hurt me in the future if I pretend these things will exist," which is pretty much the same as saying, "My mother is hurting me so I'm doing mental convolutions in my mind."

Plus, (and I don't say this to sound evolved) I don't think the material goods thing ever actually works. I'm not against it if it actually worked, but in my limited experience of having "trappings," there's no effect.

There's an irony when considering this forum's semi-consensus on the maladaptive nature of service dogs and then extolling "service" Range Rovers for overcoming mother's criticism (plus it's punny . . . "Rover" [the dog] vs. Range Rover). Actually before I knew this was a cultural issue, I was going to respond to OP that his mother needed a job/hobby/dog (essentially her own life), but I understand in some cultures there's more emphasis on the collective than individual.

Disclaimer: that last sentence was very much tongue in cheek. My point being that OP will be doing just fine because Asian parents get amnesia about previous criticism when their kids turn out financially well off. In this case these 'mental convolutions' carry weight.

 

[RichterBelmont]

Insert eye-roll emoji here.

Come on, OP is clearly not the only one who has had these experiences. My guess is you are probably not from the same cultural background; otherwise I suspect you might be more empathetic. I don't think OP's reaction is unreasonable. Openly honest, yes; unreasonable, no. It's not dysfunctional that OP cares that their parent(s) are disappointed. It would be dysfunctional if they suddenly abandoned their career plans, but no indication that is happening. And they have what sounds like a rational response/plan - getting out of the house and into a different environment- space and time will likely help family members put it into perspective.

I'm from an East Asian background. 2nd generation. Parents came from another country, neither went to college, both poor/working class, etc etc, the usual, put lots of pressure on me to become a doctor.

I know that parents from Asian countries often expect their kids to become doctors, and if they're not some badass surgical specialty, they get disappointed.

My parents initially voiced some disapproval ("what!? you're going to get yourself killed at work!") and I saw my father instantly google how much $$$ psychiatrists make, as soon as I told them I wanted to do psych rather than anesthesia.
Even after I matched into psych already, I remembered my mom jokingly asking if I wanted to do IM still.
Never EVER regretted going for psych after I realized it was my passion.
Besides, I busted my ass through medical school, put strain on the relationship with my wife, lost out on several years of my youth ,etc, etc

I find it absolutely insane that after all this sacrifice, anyone would choose a specialty to make someone else happy.

 

[erg923]

At the end of the day, when you pull up in your Range Rover.

Is this serious?

 

[MacDonaldTriad]

Don't pretend you didn't know that Range Rovers are the key to eternal happiness. Where have you been?

 

[singasongofjoy]

I'm from an East Asian background. 2nd generation. Parents came from another country, neither went to college, both poor/working class, etc etc, the usual, put lots of pressure on me to become a doctor.

I know that parents from Asian countries often expect their kids to become doctors, and if they're not some badass surgical specialty, they get disappointed.

My parents initially voiced some disapproval ("what!? you're going to get yourself killed at work!") and I saw my father instantly google how much $$$ psychiatrists make, as soon as I told them I wanted to do psych rather than anesthesia.
Even after I matched into psych already, I remembered my mom jokingly asking if I wanted to do IM still.
Never EVER regretted going for psych after I realized it was my passion.
Besides, I busted my ass through medical school, put strain on the relationship with my wife, lost out on several years of my youth ,etc, etc

I find it absolutely insane that after all this sacrifice, anyone would choose a specialty to make someone else happy.

I agree with you for the most part re: sacrifice and then choosing something different. My point was that having a hard time dealing with other's disappointment does not necessarily represent dysfunctional beliefs. There was no indication that the OP was going to choose a different specialty to make anyone else (parents) happy; rather, it sounds like they might be having a pretty similar experience to what you had based on your above post - the initial disapproval stage. Since your mom is able to joke about it, sounds like they've adjusted to the idea OK, which is fantastic. Hopefully OP will have similar experience too. Still don't think OP is obviously displaying dysfunctional beliefs. Glad things turned out well for you!

 

[deleted547631]

Is this serious?

Yes, no.

 

[DokterMom]

I have to think part of it also a break with the social contract. My parents directed my life (choice of education, profession, spouse) so it's my turn to direct yours. Your rejection of my choices in favor of your own is unfair in that it deprives me of managing the life that was supposed to be mine to manage - yours... Ouch!

 

[nexus73]

Just go into into psychiatry. We need you.

 

[F0nzie]

Sent from my iPhone using SDN mobile app

 

[nexus73]

Sent from my iPhone using SDN mobile app

Why not doctor president?

 

[tkim]

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[birchswing]

Yes, no.

I mean, if we want to get philosophical and we've established that Western culture focuses on the individual and others on the collective, then it's not a ludicrous answer to say that individual fulfillment through whatever means (travel, romantic love, Range Rovers) is an answer the problem of tearing apart the family collective's order of things. If you work for the family or you work for yourself, there's got to be something either the self or the group attains. It goes deep into the arguments of communist countries that western nations aren't one working together for common good and focus too much on individual and selfish greed.

So, all that is to say your answer is logical, although the type of thing people would most point to as the excesses of our system. We have better things to offer than that.

Also, it's hard for me to dissociate the Range Rover from Dennis in Always Sunny in Philadelphia, where it's kind of the ultimate douche-bag/sociopathic vehicle (and has a pivotal role in the most recent season finale).

 

[masterofmonkeys]

 

[Goro]

You're an adult now, old enough to vote, drink, drive, work, pay taxes, and fight and die for your country.

You're thus old enough to say to your family "this is MY life, not yours".

If your family is this toxic, stay from them.

I'll try to keep this concise. I matched into a psychiatry residency program for this upcoming year. While I am happy with my choice, it would appear that my family is not. I have repeatedly said to my mother, that I am applying to psychiatry and family medicine, and I prefer psychiatry more. It is as if she had selective hearing, and completely overlooked my intentions to go into psychiatry. When I told her where I matched, she was shocked, and legitimately appeared devastated. And a few days ago, she had said to me that she hasn't slept well since I told her of the news- that I matched into the field. I have two medicine physicians in my family, and both have borderline criticized my choice, saying "oh, you had a lot of potential," or "no one in our community will respect you now...great."

Hearing / seeing these reactions is crushing to me; I've put in so much work to get to where I am, and I'm not asking for acknowledgement, but it would be nice to not have to go through all of this. It is absolutely making me second guess my decision. What hurts more is knowing that it is absolutely crushing my mom. She, superficially, says everything is okay, but I can tell she is hurting inside. It also upsets / angers me that it is bothering her more because she won't be able to use me to "brag" to her friends. She feels as though her friends / family will think lowly of me, which in turn means she will look bad as well. All of this sounds unhealthy, I know. I've mentioned to her that with psychiatry, I'll be more specialized, will have a beautiful work-life balance, will be in demand, which will equate to a higher salary in proportion to the hours I'm putting in. She didn't seem to be too moved by that. I've also said to her that if I don't like psychiatry after my intern year, I could apply to family medicine or internal medicine, and switch, which literally brightened up her day. And ever since then, she has daily mentioned to me, albeit subtly, that she sees me more as a "medical doctor."

I feel pretty depressed about the situation I am in. Why should I suffer through a grueling internal medicine or family medicine residency, with a probable pay cut, just so my mom is happy. I like medicine, and have enjoyed the rotations, but I want to be practical. I don't need to make a boat load of money (and I doubt medicine will give me that, unless I specialize), but I would much rather be in a profession that I find interesting, and one in which ill have a good work-life balance. I literally feel like I'm at my lowest right now. All this constant talk by my family members, of how I won't be respected, everyone will think I'm mentally ill too, I wont be considered a real doctor, I wasted 4 years of medical school, etc. is really eating me up. I think realistically, I need to leave the house because it is toxic to my mental health.

Any comments, or suggestions? I know a post similar to this may have been posted earlier, but I wanted to share my specific story. I wanted to add that my family is of south asian descent, and I guess in that culture, mental health isn't a real thing / there is clear stigma of the profession. I would really appreciate any advice.

 

[J ROD]

Life is about decisions. Make one. Live with it.

 

[Dharma]

PGY3/4 residents posting here about hitting over $400K a year, as residents, moonlighting.

Wait... what? Hope you kids don't think this is anywhere near realistic. You're lucky to crack 100K total (salary + moonlighting) at the vast majority of places.

 

[Doctor Bagel]

Wait... what? Hope you kids don't think this is anywhere near realistic. You're lucky to crack 100K total (salary + moonlighting) at the vast majority of places.

The conversations about salary here are a bit ridiculous. Pay in psych is OK and maybe better in places where people don't want to be. Making more than $300k (or actually even more than $250k) is unlikely in my city without working weekends plus working fulltime. I believe the $400k story might be the poster here who hustled working almost every weekend doing locums jobs to aggressively pay down debt. Not a normal scenario.

 

[quiet pines]

I'm doing a fair amount of moonlighting, I'm in CA mind you, a short shift each weekend and it puts an extra $60,000 in my pocket at the end of the year. I have no clue how someone earns $400K without going crazy and blowing a corpus callosum fuse.

 

[splik]

I'm kind of surprised by the complete empathic failure and lack of cultural awareness by some of the posters here (especially from psychiatrists). All the posts about money miss the point too. Money made from a shameful living does not make you more respectable. Culture aside, I would have thought psychiatrists of all people could appreciate how utterly castrating mothers can be. This is not to mention competitive fathers, threatened by their sons looking for an opportunity to put them down, or parents who seek to live vicariously through their children. None of this is healthy, but it's incredibly common and does not in any way indicate psychopathology in the op.

Even grown ups, who are living independently, save lives for a living, manage teams, and command respect from others can crumble with a poorly worded comment from a parent. Or transport someone back to their childhood home and they can regress. Hell, this is why I can't cope with spending more than a day at a time with my parents much as I love them. Psychiatrists of all people know how powerful (and destructive) words can be. It is normal to want our parents to feel proud of us, or to want their approval and validation. Those reacting harshly to the OP would to well to assess their negative countertransference.

Yes, asian collectivist families are more likely to shame their children, but the fact is psychiatry is the ugly step child of medicine and everyone has come across negative stereotypes of psychiatry. There are a lot of insecure people on the boards as evidenced by the number of salary threads (though I for one am grateful we seem to be happier to talk about this more openly than other specialties) and ridiculous posts about psychiatry becoming "the hottest" specialty or a competitive field. Tell yourself otherwise, but we all care what other people think of us, and when the OP's mother shames him for being such as disgrace, if you're reacting so negatively, you are projecting your hostility onto the OP because you're being shamed too.

I absolutely love being a psychiatrist, it is a great fit for me and the intrinsic rewards are enough most of the time. I'm old enough that I don't care as much what people think of me. But I do find it incredibly grating to be shat on by other specialties, by being called "Mr.", by being mistaken for a psychologist, by the fact people would tell my I was "wasting" my life, by people assuming there must be something seriously wrong with me, by people being uncomfortable with my field, by the fact that literally everyone thinks they are an expert on mental health, by the constant denigration of the field, and the fact that so many people hate psychiatrists. Now I'm sure most of us have learnt to deal with this for the most part, but the OP is a neophyte who has just matched. It's not wrong for him to want his parents to be proud of him after working so many years to get this far. In time, he'll get over it. Maybe they will too.

we're all still 5 when our moms push the right buttons.

Edit: When I was a resident a friend of the family's teenage kid developed a psychotic illness and completely withdrew. My mother begged me to speak with the kid as the family had begged her to ask me. While maintaining appropriate professional boundaries and making it clear I would not be providing treatment, I talked to the kid occasionally over the course of a month or so. Kid is doing so much better now, finished school, gone to college, not psychotic. Did not really do anything but family was so incredibly grateful, especially as such was the shame they hid the fact kid was ill from everyone else. I've also worked incredibly hard and even though they would never say it, I know that my parents are really proud of me. Pleasing them is a different issue altogether and I gave up trying to do that long ago and am much better off for it.