Family very disappointed in my choice

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sc1988

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I'll try to keep this concise. I matched into a psychiatry residency program for this upcoming year. While I am happy with my choice, it would appear that my family is not. I have repeatedly said to my mother, that I am applying to psychiatry and family medicine, and I prefer psychiatry more. It is as if she had selective hearing, and completely overlooked my intentions to go into psychiatry. When I told her where I matched, she was shocked, and legitimately appeared devastated. And a few days ago, she had said to me that she hasn't slept well since I told her of the news- that I matched into the field. I have two medicine physicians in my family, and both have borderline criticized my choice, saying "oh, you had a lot of potential," or "no one in our community will respect you now...great."

Hearing / seeing these reactions is crushing to me; I've put in so much work to get to where I am, and I'm not asking for acknowledgement, but it would be nice to not have to go through all of this. It is absolutely making me second guess my decision. What hurts more is knowing that it is absolutely crushing my mom. She, superficially, says everything is okay, but I can tell she is hurting inside. It also upsets / angers me that it is bothering her more because she won't be able to use me to "brag" to her friends. She feels as though her friends / family will think lowly of me, which in turn means she will look bad as well. All of this sounds unhealthy, I know. I've mentioned to her that with psychiatry, I'll be more specialized, will have a beautiful work-life balance, will be in demand, which will equate to a higher salary in proportion to the hours I'm putting in. She didn't seem to be too moved by that. I've also said to her that if I don't like psychiatry after my intern year, I could apply to family medicine or internal medicine, and switch, which literally brightened up her day. And ever since then, she has daily mentioned to me, albeit subtly, that she sees me more as a "medical doctor."

I feel pretty depressed about the situation I am in. Why should I suffer through a grueling internal medicine or family medicine residency, with a probable pay cut, just so my mom is happy. I like medicine, and have enjoyed the rotations, but I want to be practical. I don't need to make a boat load of money (and I doubt medicine will give me that, unless I specialize), but I would much rather be in a profession that I find interesting, and one in which ill have a good work-life balance. I literally feel like I'm at my lowest right now. All this constant talk by my family members, of how I won't be respected, everyone will think I'm mentally ill too, I wont be considered a real doctor, I wasted 4 years of medical school, etc. is really eating me up. I think realistically, I need to leave the house because it is toxic to my mental health.

Any comments, or suggestions? I know a post similar to this may have been posted earlier, but I wanted to share my specific story. I wanted to add that my family is of south asian descent, and I guess in that culture, mental health isn't a real thing / there is clear stigma of the profession. I would really appreciate any advice.

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You're an adult. You are making your own choices that seem right to you. If they want to be a family practice physician, they can do that. This is your life, not theirs.

Your mother will probably get over it eventually, especially when she sees you doing well and being happy over time. If family cannot respect your obviously good judgement, then that is incredibly sad for them. Believe in yourself. Try to surround yourself with others who believe in you also, like friends, other family, or a significant other.

I recommend you take the high road, be kind to your family, but be assertive and don't take any abuse of any kind, either. You are a physician now. While it is sad you may have to be a professional around family, just like your patients, it is better that you respect yourself and make yourself happy. I know it's not easy.
Just my opinion.
 
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You should be extremely proud of your self. This is your life & you only live once. You can't make everyone happy. If you are happy that all that counts.
 
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You're an adult. You are making your own choices that seem right to you. If they want to be a family practice physician, they can do that. This is your life, not theirs.

Your mother will probably get over it eventually, especially when she sees you doing well and being happy over time. If family cannot respect your obviously good judgement, then that is incredibly sad for them. Believe in yourself. Try to surround yourself with others who believe in you also, like friends, other family, or a significant other.

I recommend you take the high road, be kind to your family, but be assertive and don't take any abuse of any kind, either. You are a physician now. While it is sad you may have to be a professional around family, just like your patients, it is better that you respect yourself and make yourself happy. I know it's not easy.
Just my opinion.

+1. Exactly.

If you really care, show her the NRMP stats on Table 8: http://www.nrmp.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/03/Advance-Data-Tables-2017.pdf

Tell her Psychiatry is the hottest field in "Medicine" past 3 years...

But honestly, even if Psych was crashing, it shouldn't matter. All that matters is you're doing what you want to do.
 
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Why should I suffer through a grueling internal medicine or family medicine residency, with a probable pay cut, just so my mom is happy.

Well the obvious answer is you shouldn't have to... and its a moot point because you aren't...
 
Sometimes the hardest boundaries to erect and enforce are with the people we love (and who love us) the most. You can either be an authentic person, or 'make your mom happy'...which is one heck of a dilemma...and one with which many of us are familiar, professionally and, all-too-often, personally.
 
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Your parents' reaction says more about them than it does about you. This is a common derailment in good parenting that is better appreciated if you are a parent yourself. Think of it as well intentioned but misguided and oblivious to the damage potential. Most of us have been there with you. Welcome to the winning team!


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Maybe they would have been happier if you had dropped out of school, smoked weed, and played video games all day.
upload_2017-4-10_13-45-30.jpeg

"Gosh mom, it could be so much worse. Look at cousin Barry."
 
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I'll try to keep this concise. I matched into a psychiatry residency program for this upcoming year. While I am happy with my choice, it would appear that my family is not. I have repeatedly said to my mother, that I am applying to psychiatry and family medicine, and I prefer psychiatry more. It is as if she had selective hearing, and completely overlooked my intentions to go into psychiatry. When I told her where I matched, she was shocked, and legitimately appeared devastated. And a few days ago, she had said to me that she hasn't slept well since I told her of the news- that I matched into the field. I have two medicine physicians in my family, and both have borderline criticized my choice, saying "oh, you had a lot of potential," or "no one in our community will respect you now...great."

Hearing / seeing these reactions is crushing to me; I've put in so much work to get to where I am, and I'm not asking for acknowledgement, but it would be nice to not have to go through all of this. It is absolutely making me second guess my decision. What hurts more is knowing that it is absolutely crushing my mom. She, superficially, says everything is okay, but I can tell she is hurting inside. It also upsets / angers me that it is bothering her more because she won't be able to use me to "brag" to her friends. She feels as though her friends / family will think lowly of me, which in turn means she will look bad as well. All of this sounds unhealthy, I know. I've mentioned to her that with psychiatry, I'll be more specialized, will have a beautiful work-life balance, will be in demand, which will equate to a higher salary in proportion to the hours I'm putting in. She didn't seem to be too moved by that. I've also said to her that if I don't like psychiatry after my intern year, I could apply to family medicine or internal medicine, and switch, which literally brightened up her day. And ever since then, she has daily mentioned to me, albeit subtly, that she sees me more as a "medical doctor."

I feel pretty depressed about the situation I am in. Why should I suffer through a grueling internal medicine or family medicine residency, with a probable pay cut, just so my mom is happy. I like medicine, and have enjoyed the rotations, but I want to be practical. I don't need to make a boat load of money (and I doubt medicine will give me that, unless I specialize), but I would much rather be in a profession that I find interesting, and one in which ill have a good work-life balance. I literally feel like I'm at my lowest right now. All this constant talk by my family members, of how I won't be respected, everyone will think I'm mentally ill too, I wont be considered a real doctor, I wasted 4 years of medical school, etc. is really eating me up. I think realistically, I need to leave the house because it is toxic to my mental health.

Any comments, or suggestions? I know a post similar to this may have been posted earlier, but I wanted to share my specific story. I wanted to add that my family is of south asian descent, and I guess in that culture, mental health isn't a real thing / there is clear stigma of the profession. I would really appreciate any advice.

My dad was like your mom and even said that it was good that I matched but later I should switch into a field to become a real doctor. I was sad and almost considered switching to make them happy but realized that it would be a dumb idea.

Anyway almost three years has passed and my parents don't get on me about my career choices... Now it's about getting married but whatever.

Let them talk... But make it clear to them that this is your life and you can do whatever you want to do to make yourself happy as long as it's legal.
 
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I wanted to add that my family is of south asian descent,

I'm fairly sure everyone figured this out.

You made a Western decision in a Western educational system and everyone will have to practice radical acceptance as this ship has sailed (and you are lucky that it has). Thank the NRMP for contractual obligations, you know have a legal and ethical reason to do at least 12 months of psychiatry while your family gets over this. Don't you dare switch if you don't want to. If you are going to wear the rebellious label, you might as well take the benefits of individualization that it comes with. Just work hard in internship and let your family tantrum all they want. When they see it isn't working, they will stop.
 
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I hope your residency is physically far away from your family, preferably 2 time zones away, and that you will build a life post residency far away from them, too. Otherwise they will simply look for other things in your life to disapprove of, like relationships, etc, and they will never let this go.
 
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You may feel this way for a while. They may feel this way for a while, too. However, there will likely come a point in training where you're miserable enough and jaded enough that you're really going to stop caring. You're going to see how miserable certain things are and then look around at your colleagues you knew from intern year in other specialties and you'll appreciate how much more miserable they must be. And perhaps they may seem less miserable, as they've had to accept the reality that things won't be getting that much better for them as they progress through training... and may only get marginally better afterward. When your friends in radiology are finishing fellowships and having to conduct a nation-wide job search and you're having multiple offers in the city you want to live in, you'll wonder why there aren't more people in your shoes. When you haven't taken call for a year but have been moonlighting for $4k a weekend and your anesthesia friend is still pulling 30 hour shifts in the SICU, you'll find it quietly interesting that the path you're on is the path that everyone else desires but just isn't insightful enough to figure out.

But, more importantly, when it's 3 am on your 24 hour shift, mom won't be there.
 
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Thank you all for all the insightful comments. It really is tough to some times think things through, objectively, when those close to your heart tries to sway you away. I'm sure my moms idea of what she thinks is a "real doctor" isn't an attempt at intentionally hurting me, but rather her lack of understanding of the field. I hate how shallow she can be though, and just allow me to be happy.
 
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I'll try to keep this concise. I matched into a psychiatry residency program for this upcoming year. While I am happy with my choice, it would appear that my family is not. I have repeatedly said to my mother, that I am applying to psychiatry and family medicine, and I prefer psychiatry more. It is as if she had selective hearing, and completely overlooked my intentions to go into psychiatry. When I told her where I matched, she was shocked, and legitimately appeared devastated. And a few days ago, she had said to me that she hasn't slept well since I told her of the news- that I matched into the field. I have two medicine physicians in my family, and both have borderline criticized my choice, saying "oh, you had a lot of potential," or "no one in our community will respect you now...great."

I wanted to add that my family is of south asian descent, and I guess in that culture, mental health isn't a real thing / there is clear stigma of the profession. I would really appreciate any advice.

I'm also of South Asian descent, and most of the disapproval came from the South Asian community (smallish town, tight knit group). So I empathize. "Would you rather I became a mercenary butt pirate digging for booty like you just because you wanted to make more money through sodomy?" may or may not have been something I said to one of said community members... Our culture has some very broken parts about it. Achievement at the cost of happiness and growth, chief amongst them. On a generous note, for many of our families, it was a pathway out of poverty, and it worked for 2ish generations. Once upon a time, this strategy was literally do or die for them, or a way above British oppression. A drive that strong is no longer necessary, and they may be slow to understand that. On a less generous note, the focus on status is nothing but superficial asshattery.

Something I've had some of my south asian youngsters who asked me for advice do is strike up a values based conversation with their parents:
"You understand that psych is one of the fastest growing fields in medicine?"
"You understand that as long as I'm not a *****, I will be in the One Percent?"
"You realize that my field is amongst the least stressful in medicine?"
"You realize that it makes me happy?"
"So you're asking me to pick a field that may be stagnating, has aspects that make me miserable, will make me work harder, and gain me marginal benefit in any functional sense just for prestige?"
"Are you really saying your child should give up a job with everything they want, that makes them happy, for money, prestige, and misery?"

Believe it or not, this conversation has gone well for most of them in the end. Very well in fact.
 
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Just a patient, but please don't feel bad, and please don't switch. As others said, your parents are not the ones who will have to live with the years of a residency, and then a job, that you don't like and didn't want to do. You are, and will continue to be a real doctor. And if you are even 1/2 as good as my (amazing) psychiatrist, you will make a real difference in the lives of your patients.

Hang in there, I hope it gets better for you.
 
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I feel pretty depressed about the situation I am in.
I think realistically, I need to leave the house because it is toxic to my mental health.

A child psychiatrist told me removing a child from their home is usually the most effective treatment.

Maybe your mom henpecks you because she subconsciously wishes (like mothers of all cultures) her grown azz child would act like an adult. As long as you're mooching off your mom she is entitled to view you as a child incapable of making its own decisions and give you baby mama drama. I understand in some cultures it's acceptable to live with parents until you get married, but at least pay the old lady rent or moonlight your butt off and buy her a Benz to show her you're Successful Indian Stereotype, MD and an actual adult.
 
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lol, the typical desi family. Bro, your self worth is either dictated by your family or you. You can let your family enhance your own self worth, don't let them knock you down when you are entering a noble profession. When community members eventually need your help, your mom will gush about how smart and accomplished you are. Aunties will rave about you. Be happy you matched and set forth happily on this path.
 
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I would go for good old fashioned manipulation. "So I guess this means you don't want to come to my graduation then..." They will quickly recant...
 
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I would go for good old fashioned manipulation. "So I guess this means you don't want to come to my graduation then..." They will quickly recant...

There is nothing quite as satisfying as deliberately picking from the psychopathological bag of goodies.


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I don't know whether I've mentioned this on these boards before, but I majored in a "useless" fine arts/humanities subject in undergrad, because I had no direction, no idea what to do with my life, actively resented the idea of having to be pragmatic and prepare for a "real job," and really had no idea what a "real job" or career entailed. In fact, I was so directionless that I didn't declare a major until forced to do so--I spent 2 years undeclared, and then we had to declare a major to progress from sophomorehood to juniorhood, and it was only that pressure that forced me to finally make a decision. When I began telling friends and classmates about my declared major, it wasn't long before I encountered a reply of "really? Your parents are going to let you do that?" It had never occurred to me to ask my parents' permission. When someone said that, I had to do a double-take and remind myself that many of these students were there under their parents' financial auspices, on the condition that they do something that would prepare them for a real job. Now, the archetype of the stern/prestige-obsessed parents trying to force their child to do something like become a doctor is a common trope in popular culture, used in, for example, the movie Dead Poets Society. So, while I was at least familiar with that concept, the first time I encountered this notion--from a South Asian person--that one's parents might presume to dictate not only one's career choice in general, but even their choice of specialty within medicine, I found it utterly bizarre. Aren't most of us at least 25 by the time we make that decision? (Then again, when I first encountered the phenomenon of parents financially subsidizing their adult children's lives--by, e.g., helping them buy a condo in residency--I found that bizarre, too.)

Frankly, not all cultures are equal, and this dynastic, enmeshed approach to family life found in some non-Western cultures is one we're better off not importing. I hope the OP stands up to his parents. At least he hasn't mentioned that they threatening to write him out of their will.
 
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Most of this has already been said, but have you thought about asking your parents WHY they feel like psychiatrists aren't real doctors or why they're specifically disappointed? I feel like the few people I've talked to in depth that felt like psychiatrists weren't real physicians either didn't know what psychiatrists actually do and/or just don't understand the diagnostic and treatment aspects of mental illness. They didn't know there's actual criteria for mental illnesses (oh, you're depressed? Doesn't that just mean you're sad?) or that there are actual indications and contraindications for treatment and that psychiatrists don't just throw whatever med they feel like at a patient. The people that actually cared seemed genuinely surprised and open to learning more about it when their perceived stereotypes were addressed.

Maybe it is completely a cultural thing in your case, but if you're going to spend the rest of your life as a psychiatrist it may help to enlighten them about what you actually do and show them that psychiatry is legitimate medicine and that many of the public's stereotypes about the field aren't actually true.
 
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Hey OP, just wanted to pipe in that I feel for you. I'm also South Asian, as is one of my good friends who also just matched into psych, and we both had to deal with some similar commentary from our families as well.

A lot of what you're experiencing is a manifestation of a major stigma against discussing mental illness that still persists in South Asian communities. I think there is also the factor that a lot of older South Asian physicians who graduated abroad and then came and matched in the United States saw psychiatry as the ultimate back-up residency for FMGs, which clearly isn't the case today.

Things that help:

1. Recognize you're an adult and this is YOUR life to live, you've got to spend it doing what makes YOU happy, not your parents. This goes for all things, haha.

2. Let your younger South Asian MD friends talk about how amazing psych is around your parents. It's ridiculous and immature, but the reality is that South Asian parent opinions are super based on what "others" think. They just don't trust us like they trust our peers! My mom brought up that I wanted to do psych around a number of different older friends in different residencies, and they all raved about how amazing the field is and how popular it's getting. That really helped my parents start to understand the appeal.

3. As other people mentioned, recognize that some part of their discomfort might stem from personal experiences in mental health. For example, after committing to psychiatry, my dad ended up admitting to me (for the first time!) that he was hospitalized for a few days when he was much younger for depression! And I found out that he's been taking an SSRI since that he believes has really helped his whole life, I seriously would have never guessed he was even on meds. Sharing this story with me helped us become closer, and helped explain his initial discomfort with me doing psych. Discussing it helped us get to a better common ground about why I'm passionate about this field and why it's such a great fit for me.

I know you're bummed now, but trust me, your fam is capable of working through these feelings. And they ARE proud of you, regardless of whether or not they're able to verbalize it. :)
 
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I'm fairly sure everyone figured this out.

You made a Western decision in a Western educational system and everyone will have to practice radical acceptance as this ship has sailed (and you are lucky that it has). Thank the NRMP for contractual obligations, you know have a legal and ethical reason to do at least 12 months of psychiatry while your family gets over this. Don't you dare switch if you don't want to. If you are going to wear the rebellious label, you might as well take the benefits of individualization that it comes with. Just work hard in internship and let your family tantrum all they want. When they see it isn't working, they will stop.

Exactly.

When deciding on a specialty, my father asked why anyone would want to do radiology alone in a dark room when a great field like psychiatry was available. He's still shocked that I get paid to sit and listen to people.
 
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I'll try to keep this concise. I matched into a psychiatry residency program for this upcoming year. While I am happy with my choice, it would appear that my family is not. I have repeatedly said to my mother, that I am applying to psychiatry and family medicine, and I prefer psychiatry more. It is as if she had selective hearing, and completely overlooked my intentions to go into psychiatry. When I told her where I matched, she was shocked, and legitimately appeared devastated. And a few days ago, she had said to me that she hasn't slept well since I told her of the news- that I matched into the field. I have two medicine physicians in my family, and both have borderline criticized my choice, saying "oh, you had a lot of potential," or "no one in our community will respect you now...great."

Hearing / seeing these reactions is crushing to me; I've put in so much work to get to where I am, and I'm not asking for acknowledgement, but it would be nice to not have to go through all of this. It is absolutely making me second guess my decision. What hurts more is knowing that it is absolutely crushing my mom. She, superficially, says everything is okay, but I can tell she is hurting inside. It also upsets / angers me that it is bothering her more because she won't be able to use me to "brag" to her friends. She feels as though her friends / family will think lowly of me, which in turn means she will look bad as well. All of this sounds unhealthy, I know. I've mentioned to her that with psychiatry, I'll be more specialized, will have a beautiful work-life balance, will be in demand, which will equate to a higher salary in proportion to the hours I'm putting in. She didn't seem to be too moved by that. I've also said to her that if I don't like psychiatry after my intern year, I could apply to family medicine or internal medicine, and switch, which literally brightened up her day. And ever since then, she has daily mentioned to me, albeit subtly, that she sees me more as a "medical doctor."

I feel pretty depressed about the situation I am in. Why should I suffer through a grueling internal medicine or family medicine residency, with a probable pay cut, just so my mom is happy. I like medicine, and have enjoyed the rotations, but I want to be practical. I don't need to make a boat load of money (and I doubt medicine will give me that, unless I specialize), but I would much rather be in a profession that I find interesting, and one in which ill have a good work-life balance. I literally feel like I'm at my lowest right now. All this constant talk by my family members, of how I won't be respected, everyone will think I'm mentally ill too, I wont be considered a real doctor, I wasted 4 years of medical school, etc. is really eating me up. I think realistically, I need to leave the house because it is toxic to my mental health.

Any comments, or suggestions? I know a post similar to this may have been posted earlier, but I wanted to share my specific story. I wanted to add that my family is of south asian descent, and I guess in that culture, mental health isn't a real thing / there is clear stigma of the profession. I would really appreciate any advice.

My mother had the opposite reaction. She was initially very unhappy that I was in Family Medicine - it has "low prestige," I can't "brag about being a specialist," and "you'll never make any money." (We're also Asian.)

But like others have said - she's not the one in clinic with you at the end of a long day. She's not the one who has to study on a weekly basis for board exams and training exams. She's not going to be the one on call with you at 3AM. You're the one who has to deal with that, so why not make sure that you're learning something that you truly enjoy?

She's unhappy for all the wrong reasons - i.e. totally selfish reasons. Don't let it bother you. Don't waste your time and energy trying to justify it. Enjoy the last few months of being a student! Go out. Have fun. See a movie. Get drunk. Sit under a tree and enjoy the spring air. Just don't waste mindspace worrying about how other people will perceive you.

My mom came around. Yours probably will, too. :)
 
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Why should I suffer through a grueling internal medicine or family medicine residency, with a probable pay cut, just so my mom is happy.

You shouldn't. No offense but your mom is being irrational, short-sighted, and selfish. You're the one that's going to have to experience your life and live day after day as a psychiatrist or IM doctor. When you feel dissatisfied about being in IM, the occasional 30 seconds of gratification from listening to your mom brag isn't going to make up for years of not pursuing the career you want. She has her own life. She doesn't get to control yours too. It's unfortunate that she can't get past this biased, stigmatizing thinking but you should try to make that her problem, not yours.
 
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I went through this with my immigrant family as well, after seeing how I am compensated much better than my Ob/Gyn wife and cardiologist brother in law they got over it.


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I went through this with my immigrant family as well, after seeing how I am compensated much better than my Ob/Gyn wife and cardiologist brother in law they got over it. Sent from my iPhone using SDN mobile app

Living well is the best revenge. George Herbert
 
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That you all for all the insightful comments. It really is tough to some times think things through, objectively, when those close to your heart tries to sway you away. I'm sure my moms idea of what she thinks is a "real doctor" isn't an attempt at intentionally hurting me, but rather her lack of understanding of the field. I hate how shallow she can be though, and just allow me to be happy.
Encouraging to see that you do get it.
Unlike with the force, anger is a pathway away from sorrow and shame. You will be ready to cast off all demons when you ask your mother if she has any shame sounding so shallow and hurtful. Your prognosis is excellent.
I have seen many converts into psychiatry who threw the yoke of parents off. You are lucky the match went the way it did. If you matched into family medicine, you could quite possibly be a total wreck right now. I had one convert describe being unable to sleep, sitting in a dark room rocking back and forth in a corner with sun glasses on. The earlier you have that "what the heck am I doing" moment the better. Yours just hit you by surprise because it came from a match computer. You really should dig this thread up in six or eight months and give us an update. Not that we don't know how this will go, I just think it will help others get over this problem. Make sure you are not on ward medicine when you tell us, or maybe you should be on ward medicine when you tell us....
 
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As a psych attending, I can confirm that I make more money for shorter hours, less stress, and less work than the typical primary care doc does. I actually like the idea of primary care medicine in theory a lot and considered doing IM, but most IM docs I met as a med student seemed much more burned out and bitter than most psych docs I met did. In the old days being a primary care doc was probably great but nowadays primary care is hard work that they don't get compensated well for. The rise of independent practice NP "doctors" who think they can do primary care based on taking a few online classes isn't helping matters.

If people look down on me for being a psychiatrist, I can't say that I have noticed or cared. I don't always love my job, but I have a pretty great life in part because of the options in life that psychiatry allows me to have.
 
My parents actually decided to not come to my graduation. lol.
 
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Yeah, culture clash with Asian parents can be a killer. It seems to usually get better if you stick to your guns and seem happy and successful in your chosen field.
 
As a psych attending, I can confirm that I make more money for shorter hours, less stress, and less work than the typical primary care doc does. I actually like the idea of primary care medicine in theory a lot and considered doing IM, but most IM docs I met as a med student seemed much more burned out and bitter than most psych docs I met did. In the old days being a primary care doc was probably great but nowadays primary care is hard work that they don't get compensated well for. The rise of independent practice NP "doctors" who think they can do primary care based on taking a few online classes isn't helping matters.

If people look down on me for being a psychiatrist, I can't say that I have noticed or cared. I don't always love my job, but I have a pretty great life in part because of the options in life that psychiatry allows me to have.

+1/agree.

I still am baffled by this notion of psychiatrists not being "real doctors". The drugs we prescribe are pretty "intense" with regards to side effects/risks, lithium, atypicals, anticonvulsants, etc. No disrespect to our medicine colleagues, but I don't feel nervous prescribing norvasc or lipitor or protonix as I do with stuff like clozaril or chantix. But of course, medicine people have different skills, like examining heart and lungs. But doctors have different tool kits, just like Pathologists in the lab or radiologists in the dark room.

Checking blood pressure and wearing a stethoscope on your white coat is no longer a typical setting for doctor (ie, Pathologists, Radiologists). I guess my opinion is biased since I love pharmacology, but I dunno....

And maybe because I'm on the east coast/large urban area, but I don't see any stigma towards Psych docs among the medical community...if anything its actually a bit "hip", lol.

And yeah, money isn't everything, but financially psych here in some cases is almost double what some other specialties make in medicine.
 
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When someone asks me if I ever regret deciding not to be a real doctor, I can honestly say "hell no". Butt puss and draining abbesses lost some of its magic very quickly. Memorizing antibiotic spectrums is something I was tired of before I even got started. Psychiatry is something you either like or you don't. Probably most people don't, but if you do, it is a blessing and you are lucky in my opinion.
 
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I still am baffled by this notion of psychiatrists not being "real doctors". The drugs we prescribe are pretty "intense" with regards to side effects/risks, lithium, atypicals, anticonvulsants, etc. No disrespect to our medicine colleagues, but I don't feel nervous prescribing norvasc or lipitor or protonix as I do with stuff like clozaril or chantix.

To be fair to the OP, Asians often have a hard time understanding psychiatric disease, and often don't really even believe that it exists. I had a friend who is Vietnamese; she told me that her parents had a hard time understanding why she chose to go to grad school to study psychology - mostly because they didn't even really think that "mental disease" was a real thing. She told me that there isn't even a word for "psychiatry" in the Vietnamese language.

I also know a physician who suspected that her (Korean) friend's daughter had schizophrenia. It was a major major battle just to get them to take their daughter to a psychiatrist - they insisted that if their daughter was crazy, she just needed to "snap out of it." It took weeks to convince them that hearing voices commanding her to do things was not something that she was just going to "snap out of." Asians really don't believe in "mental illness" - it's not something that's part of their culture, even now.
 
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I'm doing a family medicine rotation and it's basically solidifying my choice in going into psychiatry. These residents looks absolutely miserable..again, thanks everyone for the the encouraging comments, and it's also validating knowing that other psychiatrists with "Asian" backgrounds have also gone through this familial nonsense...
 
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I'm doing a family medicine rotation and it's basically solidifying my choice in going into psychiatry. These residents looks absolutely miserable..again, thanks everyone for the the encouraging comments, and it's also validating knowing that other psychiatrists with "Asian" backgrounds have gone through this familial nonsense...

Just wait until you do residency, and start doing 'cool' stuff like suboxone/methadone clinics, ECT, brain stimulation, CBT/DBT, you'll really be glad you chose psych :)
 
To be fair to the OP, Asians often have a hard time understanding psychiatric disease, and often don't really even believe that it exists. I had a friend who is Vietnamese; she told me that her parents had a hard time understanding why she chose to go to grad school to study psychology - mostly because they didn't even really think that "mental disease" was a real thing. She told me that there isn't even a word for "psychiatry" in the Vietnamese language.

I also know a physician who suspected that her (Korean) friend's daughter had schizophrenia. It was a major major battle just to get them to take their daughter to a psychiatrist - they insisted that if their daughter was crazy, she just needed to "snap out of it." It took weeks to convince them that hearing voices commanding her to do things was not something that she was just going to "snap out of." Asians really don't believe in "mental illness" - it's not something that's part of their culture, even now.

Oh I know. My comment was regarding society in general, wasn't zoning in one on culture. Because I've heard people from ALL backgrounds question about how much of a "doctor" is psychiatry really...

But I agree its definitly more prevalent in certain cultures. Hopefully that is changing
 
I covered 2 psych wards this weekend and then worked as a hospitalist (IM) at Merit Health Batesville in MS for 36 hours following that. Now back to mainly doing psychiatry for the time being. I need to find an on-line course that will teach me how to be a surgeon, and then I will be a real doctor.
 
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Dear OP: I read your story and it sounds EXACTLY the same as my story. I was reading and I thought to myself, "I bet he's Asian". Well, you're South Asian, I was basically correct. :p I'm Chinese, and when I decided to go into psychiatry I made an almost carbon-copy post on this forum about my mom crying and throwing a tantrum due to that decision. You can click my profile and look for that thread. I believe my mom's exact words are that I broke her heart, that I wasted 4 years of medical school to become a "voodoo doctor", and she's so, so disappointed. Even my little brother asked silly questions like, "oh so you're dropping out of medical school to get a Ph.D.?" (psychiatrist vs psychologist confusion).

The big problem is of course most traditional cultures (Asians, Hispanics, Middle Easterners) have a very contradictory view of mental illness. On the one hand, they don't believe it exists. It's something white people made up to make excuses for laziness or personal weakness. Yet, the stigma of mental illness is so powerful, so pungent that a psychiatrist is shamed by association of treating people with mental illness. My mom said "mental illness is fake!", but then says, "you're going to get infected and go crazy being around crazy people all day!" Obviously both statements cannot be true. Something that is "fake" shouldn't cause so much stigma and terrifying fear.

My Caucasian friends are always amazed at how disappointed my parents are of me in general. On the surface, I'm a doctor, I've never done drugs, never gotten into any kind of trouble. It bewilders them how critical my parents are all the time. However, my parents can never get over how I'm "not Chinese enough". "Why you do everything American Style? Everything American Style, American Style!" Anything they don't like, anything that is individualistic, is "American Style". They were so disappointed when I went into psychiatry, so disappointed when I married a Caucasian girl from Kentucky, so ashamed when I got into the hobby of firearms and target shooting, so disappointed that I don't cook enough Chinese food, that I don't watch Korean soap operas subtitled in Chinese, so disappointed when I said I wanted to move out of California where all good Chinese-American people live. I asked them, "why did you bring me to America at such a young age, if you didn't want me to become Americanized? What did you think was going to happen? You can't have your cake and eat it too." But they waned to have their cake and eat it too. "We knew you'd get a little bit Americanized, but we didn't think it'd go into your bones! You don't have one drop of Chinese blood left! You're white!" Accusing me of being white is the worst insult they could think of.

I think it's actually really cruel what many Asian parents do. They bring a little kid into this country and tell him, "You should try to assimilate, and play with the other kids, but DON'T you dare assimilate too much! Remember we are not like them!". "But mom, I don't want to be an outsider. I want to feel like I belong. I want to be like the other kids and feel like I'm part of this culture." "No! You are not one of them! You can speak like them with no accent, you can act like them, and laugh with them, but when they see you, all they will see is a yell0w-skinned, slanty-eyed Asian. They will never truly accept you, so don't become deluded into thinking you can be one of them". This is an actual paraphrasing of the lesson my mother taught me growing up.

I'm now done with psychiatry residency, and 2.5 years into my career as a board-certified attending at an outpatient clinic. My professional life is fantastic. I love my job, I am not stressed, I have bankers' hours, and I think I found the perfect specialty. In fact, I have so much free time I'm typing this giant response at work! I have two realizations after all these years of fighting my Asian parents over my life decisions:

1.) Your Asian/South-Asian parents love you, and eventually they'll get over their disappointment when they see how happy you are. They slowly realize that there are many ways to be happy in life, not just the way they were taught. My parents may always have a tinge of disappointment, but they got over me going into psychiatry. They may hold disappointment in their hearts, but they got over their Caucasian daughter-in-law, especially after seeing their grandchildren. They're still not super happy about my firearms collection, but that's okay :p My mom threw a giant hissy fit initially when I told her I wanted to move east out of California, but she eventually calmed down, and admitted most of it was transference guilt about how she "abandoned" her own parents when she moved to America and wasn't there for them when they passed away in Taiwan. "You go where you need to be happy, son".

2.) Your Asian/South Asian parents were selfish and deluded into thinking they can bring a child to American and have them remain culturally Asian. If you want to enjoy the opportunities and benefits of being an American, you have to take the packaged deal that your child may learn American-style individualism and pursue individual happiness, instead of pursuing the preservation of community harmony.

Good luck OP. My advice is to go into psychiatry with pride and conviction. Your parents will eventually come around. I realize how funny this is that it sounds like someone coming out as gay, but I guess there are many similarities. When I was in medical school, most of my attendings looked miserable and gave me warnings about their field. Only the psychiatry attendings excited said, "yeah, you should go into my field, it's great!" I think that's telling.
 
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Dear OP: I read your story and it sounds EXACTLY the same as my story. I was reading and I thought to myself, "I bet he's Asian". Well, you're South Asian, I was basically correct. :p I'm Chinese, and when I decided to go into psychiatry I made an almost carbon-copy post on this forum about my mom crying and throwing a tantrum due to that decision. You can click my profile and look for that thread. I believe my mom's exact words are that I broke her heart, that I wasted 4 years of medical school to become a "voodoo doctor", and she's so, so disappointed. Even my little brother asked silly questions like, "oh so you're dropping out of medical school to get a Ph.D.?" (psychiatrist vs psychologist confusion).

The big problem is of course most traditional cultures (Asians, Hispanics, Middle Easterners) have a very contradictory view of mental illness. On the one hand, they don't believe it exists. It's something white people made up to make excuses for laziness or personal weakness. Yet, the stigma of mental illness is so powerful, so pungent that a psychiatrist is shamed by association of treating people with mental illness. My mom said "mental illness is fake!", but then says, "you're going to get infected and go crazy being around crazy people all day!" Obviously both statements cannot be true. Something that is "fake" shouldn't cause so much stigma and terrifying fear.

My Caucasian friends are always amazed at how disappointed my parents are of me in general. On the surface, I'm a doctor, I've never done drugs, never gotten into any kind of trouble. It bewilders them how critical my parents are all the time. However, my parents can never get over how I'm "not Chinese enough". "Why you do everything American Style? Everything American Style, American Style!" Anything they don't like, anything that is individualistic, is "American Style". They were so disappointed when I went into psychiatry, so disappointed when I married a Caucasian girl from Kentucky, so ashamed when I got into the hobby of firearms and target shooting, so disappointed that I don't cook enough Chinese food, that I don't watch Korean soap operas subtitled in Chinese, so disappointed when I said I wanted to move out of California where all good Chinese-American people live. I asked them, "why did you bring me to America at such a young age, if you didn't want me to become Americanized? What did you think was going to happen? You can't have your cake and eat it too." But they waned to have their cake and eat it too. "We knew you'd get a little bit Americanized, but we didn't think it'd go into your bones! You don't have one drop of Chinese blood left! You're white!" Accusing me of being white is the worst insult they could think of.

I think it's actually really cruel what many Asian parents do. They bring a little kid into this country and tell him, "You should try to assimilate, and play with the other kids, but DON'T you dare assimilate too much! Remember we are not like them!". "But mom, I don't want to be an outsider. I want to feel like I belong. I want to be like the other kids and feel like I'm part of this culture." "No! You are not one of them! You can speak like them with no accent, you can act like them, and laugh with them, but when they see you, all they will see is a yell0w-skinned, slanty-eyed Asian. They will never truly accept you, so don't become deluded into thinking you can be one of them". This is an actual paraphrasing of the lesson my mother taught me growing up.

I'm now done with psychiatry residency, and 2.5 years into my career as a board-certified attending at an outpatient clinic. My professional life is fantastic. I love my job, I am not stressed, I have bankers' hours, and I think I found the perfect specialty. In fact, I have so much free time I'm typing this giant response at work! I have two realizations after all these years of fighting my Asian parents over my life decisions:

1.) Your Asian/South-Asian parents love you, and eventually they'll get over their disappointment when they see how happy you are. They slowly realize that there are many ways to be happy in life, not just the way they were taught. My parents may always have a tinge of disappointment, but they got over me going into psychiatry. They may hold disappointment in their hearts, but they got over their Caucasian daughter-in-law, especially after seeing their grandchildren. They're still not super happy about my firearms collection, but that's okay :p My mom threw a giant hissy fit initially when I told her I wanted to move east out of California, but she eventually calmed down, and admitted most of it was transference guilt about how she "abandoned" her own parents when she moved to America and wasn't there for them when they passed away in Taiwan. "You go where you need to be happy, son".

2.) Your Asian/South Asian parents were selfish and deluded into thinking they can bring a child to American and have them remain culturally Asian. If you want to enjoy the opportunities and benefits of being an American, you have to take the packaged deal that your child may learn American-style individualism and pursue individual happiness, instead of pursuing the preservation of community harmony.

Good luck OP. My advice is to go into psychiatry with pride and conviction. Your parents will eventually come around. I realize how funny this is that it sounds like someone coming out as gay, but I guess there are many similarities. When I was in medical school, most of my attendings looked miserable and gave me warnings about their field. Only the psychiatry attendings excited said, "yeah, you should go into my field, it's great!" I think that's telling.

My Indian childhood in America is a carbon copy of your Chinese experience. Only I had to endure Bollywood movies instead of Korean soap operas.


Sent from my iPhone using SDN mobile app
 
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1.) Your Asian/South-Asian parents love you, and eventually they'll get over their disappointment when they see how happy you are. They slowly realize that there are many ways to be happy in life, not just the way they were taught. My parents may always have a tinge of disappointment, but they got over me going into psychiatry. They may hold disappointment in their hearts, but they got over their Caucasian daughter-in-law, especially after seeing their grandchildren. They're still not super happy about my firearms collection, but that's okay :p My mom threw a giant hissy fit initially when I told her I wanted to move east out of California, but she eventually calmed down, and admitted most of it was transference guilt about how she "abandoned" her own parents when she moved to America and wasn't there for them when they passed away in Taiwan. "You go where you need to be happy, son".

Indian/Asian culture isn't really the culprit because I've never heard of Indian or Asian parents complaining that their American kids refuse to commute faster by riding scooters on the sidewalk or ignoring red lights like back in the homeland. I think the ambivalence expressed by younger Indians and Asians raised in America is an American/Western (not Indian/Asian) culture of delayed adolescence, infantilization and financial dependence.

There are many older Indian psychiatrists and somehow they overcame cultural stigma which I assume was much stronger in the past. Some were subspecialists that had to restart as psychiatry residents in order to practice in America. These are the people who should be ambivalnlent about choosing lsychiatry but they surprisingly are not. The common thread among them is that they came to America as immigrants, i.e., fully functional and independent adults.

Your parents finally got over your decision because you got a job, moved away from your parents, got married and had kids. i.e., became an adult. It's easier to accept an adult's decision than a child's decision.
 
I think these Asian or South Asian parents are half right. Unfortunately, a lot of people use the term "mental illness" to excuse lazy or irresponsible behavior. Maybe you can make your moms happier when you explain how you are going to help the truly disordered and call out the malingerers.
 
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I'll try to keep this concise. I matched into a psychiatry residency program for this upcoming year. While I am happy with my choice, it would appear that my family is not. I have repeatedly said to my mother, that I am applying to psychiatry and family medicine, and I prefer psychiatry more. It is as if she had selective hearing, and completely overlooked my intentions to go into psychiatry. When I told her where I matched, she was shocked, and legitimately appeared devastated. And a few days ago, she had said to me that she hasn't slept well since I told her of the news- that I matched into the field. I have two medicine physicians in my family, and both have borderline criticized my choice, saying "oh, you had a lot of potential," or "no one in our community will respect you now...great."

Hearing / seeing these reactions is crushing to me; I've put in so much work to get to where I am, and I'm not asking for acknowledgement, but it would be nice to not have to go through all of this. It is absolutely making me second guess my decision. What hurts more is knowing that it is absolutely crushing my mom. She, superficially, says everything is okay, but I can tell she is hurting inside. It also upsets / angers me that it is bothering her more because she won't be able to use me to "brag" to her friends. She feels as though her friends / family will think lowly of me, which in turn means she will look bad as well. All of this sounds unhealthy, I know. I've mentioned to her that with psychiatry, I'll be more specialized, will have a beautiful work-life balance, will be in demand, which will equate to a higher salary in proportion to the hours I'm putting in. She didn't seem to be too moved by that. I've also said to her that if I don't like psychiatry after my intern year, I could apply to family medicine or internal medicine, and switch, which literally brightened up her day. And ever since then, she has daily mentioned to me, albeit subtly, that she sees me more as a "medical doctor."

I feel pretty depressed about the situation I am in. Why should I suffer through a grueling internal medicine or family medicine residency, with a probable pay cut, just so my mom is happy. I like medicine, and have enjoyed the rotations, but I want to be practical. I don't need to make a boat load of money (and I doubt medicine will give me that, unless I specialize), but I would much rather be in a profession that I find interesting, and one in which ill have a good work-life balance. I literally feel like I'm at my lowest right now. All this constant talk by my family members, of how I won't be respected, everyone will think I'm mentally ill too, I wont be considered a real doctor, I wasted 4 years of medical school, etc. is really eating me up. I think realistically, I need to leave the house because it is toxic to my mental health.

Any comments, or suggestions? I know a post similar to this may have been posted earlier, but I wanted to share my specific story. I wanted to add that my family is of south asian descent, and I guess in that culture, mental health isn't a real thing / there is clear stigma of the profession. I would really appreciate any advice.

please seek some professional help

going on this forum isn't going to fix your dysfunctional core beliefs... or interpersonal issues between yourself and your mom
 
please seek some professional help

going on this forum isn't going to fix your dysfunctional core beliefs... or interpersonal issues between yourself and your mom
Care to elaborate on what you assume some of MY dysfunctional core beliefs are? Also it would appear that others were in positions very similar to mine, if you read any of the responses....
 
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please seek some professional help

going on this forum isn't going to fix your dysfunctional core beliefs... or interpersonal issues between yourself and your mom

Insert eye-roll emoji here.

Come on, OP is clearly not the only one who has had these experiences. My guess is you are probably not from the same cultural background; otherwise I suspect you might be more empathetic. I don't think OP's reaction is unreasonable. Openly honest, yes; unreasonable, no. It's not dysfunctional that OP cares that their parent(s) are disappointed. It would be dysfunctional if they suddenly abandoned their career plans, but no indication that is happening. And they have what sounds like a rational response/plan - getting out of the house and into a different environment- space and time will likely help family members put it into perspective.
 
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You're so very lucky to have landed a Psych position. It really is a great field to go into right now. It may lack the sexiness from another culture's point of view but from an American point of view I feel you hit the jackpot. Just the other day I read about Orthopedics being bottom of the barrel in Canada, something about there being a considerable amount of orthopaedists that are currently unemployable due to market forces and saturation. Isn't that crazy to think about?

Meanwhile, Psychiatrists here in the States are starting at $250K+ right out of residency working M-F, 8-5. PGY3/4 residents posting here about hitting over $400K a year, as residents, moonlighting. Think about that! You get to show up to work and help patients get over their anxiety, depression, and psychological hangups that prevent them from maximising their potential and get paid for it all from the comfort of your 20% overhead private practice without ever having to step foot in a hospital.

At the end of the day, when you pull up in your Range Rover bespoke in your Tom Ford double breasted suit with a maduro hanging out of your mouth like Freud you're not gonna give a damn about what other people think about you, mother included.
 
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