Dating Surviving Residency

[MarkTpa]

Hi,

This is all new to me and I really could use some advice/survival tips

I’ve been dating a Chinese woman I met online. She was in her 4th yr of med school when we met in March. We really clicked and hit it off right from the start. She asked me to attend her graduation and I did.

So for the last 4 mos we’ve been dating and have become much closer
3rd month into the relationship she wanted me to meet her parents.
They are from China (They speak no English) but they like me and I think they are great.

She just started her residency at the end of June.
We talk daily via email and/or phone.
And, currently, see ea. other at least 1x a week.

She does make time for me although lately our dates seem a little rushed.
I will never complain to her because I know she’s dealing w/a lot right now.
Not only the Residency but her parents are with her for 6 mos. That’s stressful enough! They go back to China in Sept.

Prior to her residency we spoke about me moving closer to her (She lives about 50mi away) and I agreed that we live too far apart and that I would look for a place that is closer.

I am moving at the end of July.
Actually I found a place near the hospital where she is doing her residency. She is a D.O. residency is 3yrs.

I told her I found a place closer to her house and she said yea and it’s closer to the hospital too hmmmm….

Anyway I’m in love w/her but haven’t told her yet. I will soon.
I have a feeling she feels the same, if not she’s probably close

Does it really get better after residency? She also has to entertain her parents on the weekends as well so I think after they go back to China things will calm down a bit at home for her too.

I can’t be too upset she really does make an effort to talk everyday and make at least some time on the weekends.

Thoughts anyone?

---

Members don't see this ad.

 

[J ROD]

I dated a Chinese girl once and she had her parents in town too. I dont know if you are aware of this, but they are expected to entertain their elders and to make sure they are comfortable, having a good time, etc.

So, the fact that she is starting residency and having to deal with her parents and still maintain contact with you is very well done on her part.

Things should settle down alot as her parents leave because that is ALOT more than we Westerns realize. I learned real fast.

Residency requires alot of time but she probably can fit you in more and especially if you are that close. With that said, you just have to be patient and let her do her thing. It does get better after residency. But, medicine in general is a lifestyle and not a job.

It would also help to know exactly what speciality she is in?

If you truly love her, support her, and things will work out. She has a ton on her right now....

 

[MarkTpa]

Hey J Dub - thanks for the info.

Her residency is currently for Internal Medicine. She had mentioned awhile ago about going into Orthopedic Surgery...but I am not sure if she still wants to do that. She is going to be 38 this year and mentioned her "shelf life" wasn't too long so I don't know if she wants to spend too much time in Residency..

 

[WhtsThFrequency]

Watch yourself a bit too....

Falling in love with someone, and moving to be closer to someone after only 4 months of dating is dangerous. The "honeymoon phase" still isn't over.....

Just a caution.

And honestly, seeing someone more than once a week is difficult in residency. I usually can't manage seeing my squeeze more than that, and he lives 10 minutes away. Just too busy, and when I get home I'm tired and want to be by myself (although we do talk via phone).

She is going to be 38 this year and mentioned her "shelf life" wasn't too long so I don't know if she wants to spend too much time in Residency..

Er....just be careful she isn't pushing things too fast because she feels she needs a man +/- babies pronto. Chinese families put a lot of emphasis with such things on their women (not in a bad way, just that an unmarried, childless woman at 38 years old is a super big anomaly) and her folks may well be pressuring her.

 

[J ROD]

Hey J Dub - thanks for the info.

Her residency is currently for Internal Medicine. She had mentioned awhile ago about going into Orthopedic Surgery...but I am not sure if she still wants to do that. She is going to be 38 this year and mentioned her "shelf life" wasn't too long so I don't know if she wants to spend too much time in Residency..

No problem....

Well, since she is already in Internal Med, she would have to go back to do a General Surgery residency and then Ortho fellowship....around 7yrs.

She might get some credit for some of it.

So, I am going to assume that she has decided against that. Because that would be crazy....

I think by "shelf life" she may be talking about her biological clock. So, she cant have kids and do that ortho thing.

And, I agree that 4 months is a too early....but love is what it is.....so it is hard to say. Some work and some dont..........

 

[UES Girl]

Wow, you sound like a really nice guy. Props for moving closer to her, it might be just a tad too early, but given your age, mid to lates thirties I assume, you guys should be ok.

I also find it very touching how you mention you want to see her more, usually its the men that whine and complain about women wanting too much attention, but here you are not embarassed to admitt you want her more in your life, very cool.

 

[poky]

Yes, things will be a little easier once her parents leave, but don't expect her to be able to spend a LOT more time with you, even if you're closer. Yes, things will get easier after residency, also, though there will likely be an adjustment period, and she may have to move again for "the job". No, she's not going to go into ortho after a DO IM residency unless she's *insane*, especially if she wants kids.

 

[MarkTpa]

No problem....

Well, since she is already in Internal Med, she would have to go back to do a General Surgery residency and then Ortho fellowship....around 7yrs.

She might get some credit for some of it.

So, I am going to assume that she has decided against that. Because that would be crazy....

I think by "shelf life" she may be talking about her biological clock. So, she cant have kids and do that ortho thing.

And, I agree that 4 months is a too early....but love is what it is.....so it is hard to say. Some work and some dont..........

J Dub, no she can't have kids, that's been taken care of permanently, her choice she doesn't want kids. I think when she said shelf life she meant her age 38. Most of her class mates are in their 20's.

 

[MarkTpa]

Wow, you sound like a really nice guy. Props for moving closer to her, it might be just a tad too early, but given your age, mid to lates thirties I assume, you guys should be ok.

I also find it very touching how you mention you want to see her more, usually its the men that whine and complain about women wanting too much attention, but here you are not embarassed to admitt you want her more in your life, very cool.

uh...actually I'll be 50 this year Thanks, I am a nice guy.
Seems there are not many of us out there anymore

Yea we really click and laugh alot when we are together...so yea...I really enjoy spending time with her AND she's smart as hell - what a bonus

 

[J ROD]

J Dub, no she can't have kids, that's been taken care of permanently, her choice she doesn't want kids. I think when she said shelf life she meant her age 38. Most of her class mates are in their 20's.

Yeah, she needs to get out and making doctor money.

I am 31 and if I was any older, I would not go to med school.....because of the money lost and the ability to recoupe said money.

Like I said, she should have more time soon and things will get bettter after residency, but it is still medicine so you will have to share her with it.

 

[MarkTpa]

Was up last night thinking about this.

I came to the conclusion that what's bothering me is that she seems emotionally unavailable now. Somewhat detached.

She started her residency June 27th and up until then things were good. I was getting feedback that she was interested, happy, talkative, looked forward to our dates etc.

Now I'm not getting that same feedback. That's really the issue. I'm not getting any feedback. You know the back and forth that you get when in a relationship. The talking, laughing etc. Which we had plenty of up until she started residency.

She used to say a lot of really sweet things to me and vice versa, now nothing...

When I text her that I miss her, no response, she doesn't reciprocate the feeling...hmmmm...just busy? Dunno.

Maybe it's too much for her to handle right now? The work and new relationship?

Not sure if I should just relax and let her do her thing and let her adjust to her new schedule? And not push the issue. At least not now.

I can deal w/busy, I can't deal w/no feedback.

I need to bring up the issue in a non-threatening/no-pressure sort of way.
Anyone know how to do that?

Thanks.

 

[WhtsThFrequency]

Was up last night thinking about this.

I came to the conclusion that what's bothering me is that she seems emotionally unavailable now. Somewhat detached.

She started her residency June 27th and up until then things were good. I was getting feedback that she was interested, happy, talkative, looked forward to our dates etc.

Now I'm not getting that same feedback. That's really the issue. I'm not getting any feedback. You know the back and forth that you get when in a relationship. The talking, laughing etc. Which we had plenty of up until she started residency.

She used to say a lot of really sweet things to me and vice versa, now nothing...

When I text her that I miss her, no response, she doesn't reciprocate the feeling...hmmmm...just busy? Dunno.

Maybe it's too much for her to handle right now? The work and new relationship?

Not sure if I should just relax and let her do her thing and let her adjust to her new schedule? And not push the issue. At least not now.

I can deal w/busy, I can't deal w/no feedback.

I need to bring up the issue in a non-threatening/no-pressure sort of way.
Anyone know how to do that?

Thanks.

Tell her exactly what you just wrote. Just be honest and open.

 

[J ROD]

Tell her exactly what you just wrote. Just be honest and open.

 

[Velocity]

Was up last night thinking about this.

I came to the conclusion that what's bothering me is that she seems emotionally unavailable now. Somewhat detached.

She started her residency June 27th and up until then things were good. I was getting feedback that she was interested, happy, talkative, looked forward to our dates etc.

Now I'm not getting that same feedback. That's really the issue. I'm not getting any feedback. You know the back and forth that you get when in a relationship. The talking, laughing etc. Which we had plenty of up until she started residency.

She used to say a lot of really sweet things to me and vice versa, now nothing...

When I text her that I miss her, no response, she doesn't reciprocate the feeling...hmmmm...just busy? Dunno.

Maybe it's too much for her to handle right now? The work and new relationship?

Not sure if I should just relax and let her do her thing and let her adjust to her new schedule? And not push the issue. At least not now.

I can deal w/busy, I can't deal w/no feedback.

I need to bring up the issue in a non-threatening/no-pressure sort of way.
Anyone know how to do that?

Thanks.

I'd agree that you owe it to yourself to voice your concerns to her, and that it should be done in a non-threatening or pressuring manner. It sounds like you know what to do.

For what it's worth, it's probably the stress. I can tell you that when my wife started medical school a few years ago, she laughed a lot less, became less affectionate, and had less time for me. It was partly that she was very busy, and partly (perhaps largely) due to the stress. As she went through medical school and became accustomed to it, things began to return to normal. I expect things will go back to the way they were in her early medical school days when she starts her residency, and that the same trend will repeat (she'll gradually return to normal as she becomes accustomed to it and the stress levels decrease).

Which is to say, even if your girlfriend tries to make changes, don't expect things to go back to the way they were - at least, not any time within the next year or two (and maybe all the way through residency).

 

[WhtsThFrequency]

In addition. She just started June 27, It's been what, barely 3 weeks?

If you bring it up so quickly, you're going to look needy. And frankly, she may be annoyed. Give her time and space. If after 2 months it's still getting to you, then bring it up. She likely feels a little smothered and guilty if you're texting her that you miss her all the time and she doesn't have the time to text back.

Which is to say, even if your girlfriend tries to make changes, don't expect things to go back to the way they were - at least, not any time within the next year or two (and maybe all the way through residency).

Agreed. Residency is huge pressure cooker. If you feel lonely, etc, she a) may not have time to see you and b) not have time or be too emotionally exhausted to comfort you. You're going to have to stand on your own two feet as much as she will.

It sounds like the honeymoon phase (lots of talking, lots of sweet things, etc) is over. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but the first months of a relationship are always like that. Now reality is setting in, and you need to wonder if you are the type of person who needs lots of attention/affirmation/reassurance of the other person's affection (which she may not be able to give, or may not want to, if she doesn't like constantly having to do that) or if you can deal with the fact that its' not "just-you-and-me-with-tons-of-time-to-ourselves" type of deal anymore. Now, it's you-me-and-residency threesome.

 

[docelh]

doesn't sound promising.

mismatched priorities. neediness on the part of the man. time constraints.