Recently, I returned to this forum to check on my post and I noticed that there are a LOT of page views on this thread. But, there are only a couple of replies. This tells me that other people are also looking for insight. So, I thought I would add this addendum to my original question for those of you who may need some encouragement:
LEAVE. WHILE. YOU. CAN.
...Just kidding...
Take a deep breath. Now sit back and think for a moment: is your relationship with a medical student (or, perhaps, your dual doc-in-training scenario, like us) worth the periods of loneliness, and the sacrifice, and the extra stress?
...really think about it.
If the answer is yes, then you're in luck; many couples have survived far worse than medical school. You can get through it.
In the last month and a half of his medical school, my main man and I have been long distance. Obviously this adds to the potential for unhappiness. But, guess what? The relationship is harmonious, we're as in love as we've ever been, and the only tension we feel together is our combined effort at sending hate-rays to his integrated exams. At his school, the first year is notorious for being the most rigorous (at most schools, it's the second year), and until I can move into our new apartment in December, we will only see each other every 6ish weeks. Yet, nothing between us emotionally has changed. Yes, we were a stellar couple before his matriculation, but let me tell you what I've learned:
1) You definitely ain't in Kansas anymore.
Think of your undergraduate careers around finals time. The cram sessions; the bottomless pots of coffee; the fistful of flashcards. Now, multiply that by 10. And make it your every day. That's what medical students go through. It is a non-stop study party.
When I was visiting my SO for a long Labor Day weekend, that's all he did. We woke up, I made him breakfast, and he studied until midday. Then, we would go to the pool and splash for 15 minutes, and he would get out and go through notes, poolside, for a couple of hours. Then, we'd head back up to the apartment, shower off, and he'd take my patient history. Shopping for dinner that night? I was quizzing him with flashcards.
Studying is now second to breathing. The amount of material the students are expected to know is insurmountable. As the books become woven into their lives, so, too, will they become a part of yours. Rather than sit on the couch, scowling, while they are eyeballs deep in anatomy diagrams, offer to help:
"Hey, can I pick up some more highlighters?"
"Do you need me to quiz you on that?"
Or, hell, if studying isn't your thing, bake their favorite cookies. Or put another pot of tea on. Or just leave them alone for a while.
You don't have to be overbearing with the help. But, you should be understanding and available. Which brings me to my next topic...
2) When they say they are studying, they really are.
I've heard a lot of complaints to the effect of, "I haven't talked to him/her all day, and I know there are attractive people in their class... I wonder if they're cheating."
The answer is no. When they tell you that they're going to be in the library from sun-up until sun-down, it's for real. And there's nothing less sexual than a handful of overworked, under-rested, cranky medical students poring over physiology. So, be confident in what you two have. Know that your student would MUCH rather be home in your arms... So, it doesn't help that they spend an exhausting day going over convoluted material in anticipation of going home, only to get questioned about what they've been up to.
...You're grown ass people now. Knock off the high school stuff.
3) Do the switcheroo
Try to put yourself in their shoes: 30 units of heavy sciences, more material than you could ever hope to digest, the knowledge that boards are looming, and you have to be in clinic at 7am...before an exam day...when you have a sore throat...and you've had no idea what the professor with an accent is talking about for the last two days...
It's tough. And any little gesture you provide to let them know that you're thinking about them will be much appreciated. It doesn't take a lot--getting groceries one night, cleaning the apartment, slipping a lovey note in their diagnostic bag--and it means the world.
My student and I are successful because 1) We've never had drama to begin with, 2) We decided to take on medical school (both of our stints) as a team, in all facets, and 3) We don't play the Who's Day Was ****tier game. We recognize the plight of the other, and care about each other deeply enough to empathize.
All in all, you're in this together. And with your powers combined--much like Captain Planet--you can make it through just about anything.
Good luck!