want insights on helping fed-up partner

[beep]

hello all,

i am a "nontraditional" premed living with a partner. i am working very hard now, working, doing research, and applying to schools. i clean the floors in my household regularly, do all the grocery shopping, 90% of food prep, and 50% of food cleanup. my partner does all the rest (laundry, bathroom, yard work, odd jobs, kitchen cleanup, as well as keeping most of the what-needs-doing-honey? stuff in mind). i feel stretched to my limit with all the things i am doing. i am driving my partner crazy and hear all the time that i am not "pulling my weight" around the house, that i am "obsessed" with medical school, that i don't take responsibility for things unless i am asked directly. i feel guilty as charged, to a certain extent, but i feel like i can't let go of any of my activities if i want to give myself a good chance to go to school.

what to do?

---

Members don't see this ad.

 

[tlew12778]

If you can afford it, hire someone to come in and do the heavy cleaning once every couple weeks. That would relieve some of the pressure from both of you I think.

Every now and then, throw in a load of laundry. It literally takes 5 min to sort (and 0 minutes if you have one of those 3 bag sorting basket things) and throw in the machine.

Ask around and you'll see lots of couples here falling into the "traditional roles" in the household. I mean, I work FT (but in accounting) and I do ALL of the housework, cooking, cleaning, financial management, etc in our house. FH hasn't even started his residency yet (he's btwn graduation and residency) so I really have no idea what takes up so much of his time (probably the computer and tv ) but that's just the way it works. Yes I get pissed off a lot, but what can I do about it? He knows it pisses me off and will try to help every now and then but it really makes no difference in the end. I'm still the one doing most of the work all the time. It's really about accepting this fact... either your partner is going to accept it or not... that's the way it works with one person in the medical profession (in my experience at least).

 

[CoffeeMug]

Your ship to medical school has sailed. It's too late. Give up now and fulfill your destiny: be a house wife for the rest of your life.

 

[jennie 21]

It does sound to me like you're probably doing 50%. Does your partner realize how much time grocery shopping and food prep take? I know in my household I'm the one who shops for EVERYTHING and I truly don't think my husband realizes how much time this takes me. On your partner's list, laundry does take a good bit of time...depending on how often you do it and whether you have a washing machine at home or have to cart stuff to a laundromat. Cleaning the bathroom doesn't take long. Wouldn't know about yard work as we don't have a yard, but it's seasonal and only has to be done once every two weeks or so (if you just mean cutting the lawn and stuff). So it sounds to me like you're splitting things pretty evenly...but you're a better judge of that because you know how things run in your house. Do YOU think you're pulling your share? If you are, I don't know why you're "driving your partner crazy" unless he/she is expecting you to do more than 50% for some reason? If you don't think you're pulling your share, the time has come to get over being lazy. Yes, I know, you're tired, busy, etc...you just have to do it anyway. My husband and I are both in med school and believe me, we're tired and busy most of the time. We've just decided we have to suck it up and do what needs doing, whether we feel like it or are tired or not. I don't have much time for fooling around these days, but the things that need doing get done! I used to think I didn't have any time to cook, do the dishes, etc. and would complain about being so overburdened...then I stopped wasting so much time screwing around and found I had time to do it all. It's not as much fun, but that's what being a grown-up is about. Anyway, it sounds to me like you're pulling your weight...but if you don't think you are, suck it up and start. You may be tired and busy now, but you'll be at least as tired and busy in the future once you get to med school, so might as well start getting used to it.

 

[LADoc00]

Honestly if I had a "partner" who decided to become a doc late in life I would beat him/her til they came back to their senses.

 

[tupac_don]

hello all,

i am a "nontraditional" premed living with a partner. i am working very hard now, working, doing research, and applying to schools. i clean the floors in my household regularly, do all the grocery shopping, 90% of food prep, and 50% of food cleanup. my partner does all the rest (laundry, bathroom, yard work, odd jobs, kitchen cleanup, as well as keeping most of the what-needs-doing-honey? stuff in mind). i feel stretched to my limit with all the things i am doing. i am driving my partner crazy and hear all the time that i am not "pulling my weight" around the house, that i am "obsessed" with medical school, that i don't take responsibility for things unless i am asked directly. i feel guilty as charged, to a certain extent, but i feel like i can't let go of any of my activities if i want to give myself a good chance to go to school.

what to do?

Seriously, who gives a rat's ass. What I mean is if the dishes are not ALL done, who cares. When I am busy with my work and studying, I put pretty much everything else on hold, or rather on minimal. I do the bare minimum I must to stay afloat. I mean to me it's ludicrous for you to wash floors if you got more important stuff to do. I mean come on, as long as its not unsanitary and you must clean. But if it is a little messy who cares. If your partner has a problem with it. I would say hey too bad, I am dealing with more imp issues here, who cares if you don't have a cooked meal tonite. You won't die if you have a TV dinner. Just prioritize. Bottom line.
Best of luck.

 

[dnl425]

i am driving my partner crazy and hear all the time that i am not "pulling my weight" around the house, that i am "obsessed" with medical school, that i don't take responsibility for things unless i am asked directly

Looks like your partner isn't adjusting well to the changes that come with med school, or just plain going back to school and not focusing on your relationship as much anymore. I was disturbed by his comment that you are "obsessed" with medical school. Hello, it's a huge commitment and requires your full dedication! Long story short, he's being selfish and childish because you're not paying enough attention to the relationship. Don't respond to this. Contribute to the housework as much as you can and focus on your studies. He'll deal with it.

 

[fourthyearmed]

If he can't handle helping out while you're premed, it's going to be 100X worse once you're in med school. Better have a talk now. You have to be "obsessed" or you won't get in.

 

[cellochik]

I'm not living with my partner who is in his first year of med. school now, but we lived together last year in undergrad. and will be living together again after this school year. I wish I was there right now to take care of those things because hearing him talk about all he has to do I know he has NO time for the little household chores. Even though I'll hopefully be in grad. school in a pretty tough music degree (tough because you practice ALL the time) I still feel that it's more easy for me to take care of those things than it is for him. So, I will do that. I think the only way to get through the experience of your partner being in med. school is by being as absolutely supportive as you can. I definitely think there will be times I get upset when I'm busy and am doing a lot around the house, but I'll get over it...hopefully quickly.

Good luck!

 

[neuronerd's]

Without reading what everyone else said, i think you should ask your partner what they think you are going to med school for?! If they do not realize that you are making these decisions in life based on the desire to be able to provide enough for two familie's worth, then they need to step into reality. They need to understand that choices which are made now, as well as actions, refelct on the future you two will share. You need to work your ass off at whatever it is that needs to be done for your future, for yourself as well as your partner, and focus on nothing more. Lastly, being "obsessed" with medical school is the ONLY way i think one can succeed at becoming a Dr. You know, it takes ambition, motivation, and determination to become what you want to be. Stick with it and if your partner gives you attitude again, tell them to try and become a Dr. I don't even like science, but I know for a fact, vicariously through my partner, that science mixed with medicine=NO JOKE!!!