First quarter is officially over. I ended up with 2 A's, one B+, one B, and one B- (I don't really like the +/- deal that they use at my school). Considering that I got hit with some extremely bad news the week before finals, I think I did okay.
My ex husband was killed in a car accident on halloween, and one of his best friends is now in jail for intoxicated manslaughter. It's overwhelming, and I'm feeling so many emotions at once...sadness, guilt, anger, fear. I had to go back to El Paso for a few days so that my children and I could attend his funeral services. They are 5 and 7, and they're coping much better than I. I think it's because they believe that he's in heaven with Jesus, and to them, that's not such a bad thing. I, on the other hand can't truly accept that. I think I'm still in a state of denial. I keep wishing for some kind of sign to let me know he's okay, but have received none. Every time the phone rings, I think maybe it's him, and I can yell at him one more time for something stupid he said, lol. That's how it was supposed to be. He was supposed to be a thorn in my side forever. I took it for granted. I think I hated him as much as I loved him, but I never wished him dead. I'm haunted with memories, good and bad, and with regrets of things past, and with the image of him laying in that casket. I?m haunted by our last conversation we had a week before he died, in which he was apologizing for everything, and I told him I didn?t think I could ever forgive him. When he was lying there in eternal sleep, I told him I was sorry too, and that I did forgive him; I don?t know if he heard me. It gets a little better everyday, but I don't know if I'll ever truly be ok.
When I got back, I had to study for all my finals. All of my professors were pretty understanding. I was able to take my phys and biochem finals late, but I might as well have taken them on time and guessed at the multiple choice questions bc I couldn't concentrate on studying anyway. I'm off for two weeks now, then I go back for physiology II, biochem II, pharmaceutics II, research methods & epidemiology, and intro to professional practice II. At one point last week I wasn't sure if I was coming back to school. I wanted to just be happy with what I have, and get a job, and spend time with my kids, and live for the moment not the future, because I fear that I'm taking it for granted that my kids and I will be around for another three years. But I know I must go back for the sake of their future.
Best wishes for everyone, and hang in there!