Nonmedical partner --why do I resent this

[porthcurno]

I've been with my SO for about a year. I'm in medicine and he is not. The relationship is very healthy and positive. I don't have a crazy schedule, but I always seem to be preoccupied with something to do. Studying, research stuff, housecleaning, bills. Never ends. In contrast, he lives with his parents and doesn't need to worry about bills, housecleaning, or food shopping. When he spends time at my place, the only thing that bugs me is that he is completely at leisure. Either playing Scrabble online or watching TV/movies at long stretches. For me, if I'm at his place, I always have work with me in case there is down time. Weekends are pure pleasure for him, while I'm trying to please by joining in on parties, etc while despairing about my undone errands/laundry. The words "I have to..." just never, ever come out of his mouth.

I'm not sure what is 'normal' for a nonmedical partner who hasn't been in this crazed quest for knowledge for so many years. I kind of wish he would be reading books in his spare time instead, or doing extra freelance work to supplement his job in case he gets laid off, or learning a new language or how to invest in the stock market. I guess I never see him working or challenging himself or bettering himself unless he's actually at his job. He is, however, athletic and works out on days we aren't together. Very, very smart, but not academic per se.

On that note, what do your medical spouses/partners do when they have free time, assuming they are a pathologist or something with a non-crazy schedule? I've never dated a medical person.

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[dynx]

because you're a woman.

 

[poky]

You're an adult, and he's not, really (yet). You're running a household, and he's not. You're driven, and he's not (at least not academically). None of those are problems in and of themselves. It sounds to me like you resent his lack of academic drive, though, and THAT could be a problem. To answer your question, my husband's a med student with a not-completely-crazy schedule (right now, I'm out of the house working almost as much as he is); he does his share of the house-running, and he usually spends SOME time studying when he's home; in his downtime, he usually watches TV or plays video games. He has me around to do my share of the house-running, though, and that makes a big difference; he doesn't worry about laundry, for instance, because that's one of my jobs.

 

[WhtsThFrequency]

How old is he that he still lives with his parents? To be honest, it sounds like someone needs to cut the umbilical cord. If he's over 18, and it's not because he was laid off, something may very well be fishy (i.e., inability to take on responsibility). I've dated many people outside of my field - in fact, everyone one of them has been. Everything from programmers to PhDs to freelance writers, and only once have I had the problem of someone having no zest for life other than going to the gym - and it had nothing to to with his job.

It sounds much more like a personal problem of his, rather than something related to his work or chosen field.

 

[porthcurno]

I appreciate the help. He is 27. Main reason he was in transition between jobs. initially his job security was not perfect so he was hesitant to sign a lease. Just now it has improved with a promotion. His family home is close to me as well as an easy commute to work. So he doesn't *need* a place per se. The parents let him do whatever he wants and are wonderful people.

Yes, I guess part of the resentment is that my place is like a second home to him 3-4 nights a week, yet I do all the cleaning up, and when we cook together, he'll do one thing I tell him to, then run off and play scrabble on the couch until I notice and scold him to come back and do the next task.

But he has many great qualities including interest in current events, humor, kindness, razor-sharp social intelligence beyond his age--giving him the ability to be the most valued employee wherever he goes (hence promotion)

 

[dotdash]

I do all the cleaning up, and when we cook together, he'll do one thing I tell him to, then run off and play scrabble on the couch until I notice and scold him to come back and do the next task.

This is a problem. This is a man who has not had "doing half the work" modeled for him by his father. He will never learn to do half the work. If you can deal with his, that's great, but if you don't think you can put up with 40 years of you doing the dishes while he sits on the couch playing scrabble, then you should make some decisions. That or impress upon him the importance of sharing work and make sure he really gets it. Cus you don't want to have to scold him to get him to do his share. That was his parents' job and they don't appear to have done it.

It's not unbearable and it depends on who you are. Humor and kindness are wonderful qualities. Just don't expect him to change.

 

[J ROD]

Sounds like another one of those loser guys that women with a bright future chose to date........always amazes me......

 

[jdh71]

because you're a woman.

A woman can't allow a man to take it easy.

 

[jinx520]

At the risk of being flamed: maybe, just maybe, you are jealous because he doesn't have the same inner voice nagging him that he NEEDS to be doing something productive at all times that you do? The world won't stop spinning if you aren't up-to-date with your laundry schedule or if you aren't studying during "downtime". If you are happy with never having any real downtime and the relationship is wonderful otherwise, you can choose to accept that the two of you are just different when it comes to being driven to always be doing something productive. Or if it really bothers you that you never get to rest because you always HAVE to do something, maybe you need to work on realizing you really don't *HAVE* to be constantly doing something. It is a choice you make for your own personal reasons. If you resent having to pick up after him, then don't. But it sounds to me like this is your issue and not his.

 

[Velocity]

At the risk of being flamed: maybe, just maybe, you are jealous because he doesn't have the same inner voice nagging him that he NEEDS to be doing something productive at all times that you do? The world won't stop spinning if you aren't up-to-date with your laundry schedule or if you aren't studying during "downtime". If you are happy with never having any real downtime and the relationship is wonderful otherwise, you can choose to accept that the two of you are just different when it comes to being driven to always be doing something productive. Or if it really bothers you that you never get to rest because you always HAVE to do something, maybe you need to work on realizing you really don't *HAVE* to be constantly doing something. It is a choice you make for your own personal reasons. If you resent having to pick up after him, then don't. But it sounds to me like this is your issue and not his.

There are a lot of potential reasons why you'd feel resentful. It may be something that he's doing, or it may be something reflecting within you. I know that my wife used to get upset at me when I would slack off - she was a stressed-out, overly busy medical student while I was a freer graduate student at the time. It was partly that she was unhappy with the prospect that I wasn't being productive, but it was also partly that she didn't particularly want to do the work that she was doing at the moment, but she had no choice. It's sort of demoralizing if you're working hard and someone on your team is goofing around, right? I also find it admirable that you're pondering your feelings over this - that shows a nice level of insight and personal openness.

 

[GodoShingo]

I for one am a med student, and I am pretty good with my household. I pay my rent, and I do my chores, but once in a while I want to relax and have some time over for fun stuff, so I neglect doing the laundry or washing the dishes. My girlfriend on the other hand, does not. Everything has to be done as soon as possible. And I feel that I am a lot less stressed than her. I think that my point is that you have to relax at times. My girlfriend has started to chill a little regarding all the chores, that for some reason are imprinted in our minds that they have to be done daily and at a set time.
I never ever plan cleaning the house, shopping groceries ect. It just comes naturally when I have enough time. And I feel less stressed over it. But in the end I do all those chores within the week.

To the OP: You could try to skip doing all those stuff entirely and see if he picks up and starts to help out. If after a week there are lots of dishes and laundry untouched, ditch him. If that's the case, he obviously sees you as a maid or something of the same. He can have lots of good qualities and be good at work, but in the long end it will just increase your burden. If you are not compatible, give it up.
Compatibility does not only come in feelings or love, but in other levels too. Understanding of the other persons needs is a very important point in a relationship. Many women tend to forget that and keep hoping for years that he will finally change. Chances are that he won't.

 

[Kaustikos]

I appreciate the help. He is 27. Main reason he was in transition between jobs. initially his job security was not perfect so he was hesitant to sign a lease. Just now it has improved with a promotion. His family home is close to me as well as an easy commute to work. So he doesn't *need* a place per se. The parents let him do whatever he wants and are wonderful people.

WTF. 27 and living at home?

 

[deleted413795]

You're an adult, and he's not, really (yet). You're running a household, and he's not. You're driven, and he's not (at least not academically). None of those are problems in and of themselves. It sounds to me like you resent his lack of academic drive, though, and THAT could be a problem.QUOTE]

I actually just ended a relationship for these reasons. Although, for me, the bolded things are a problem. So, for me this is a big thing. It really comes down to either you have to change and accept his lifestyle, or he has to change for it to really work. Neither of those options is likely. Especially since your ambition is most likely what defines you. It is who you are and not worth losing.

I definitely take time to do things for me. I exercise most days, watch movies, etc. and I will rest when everything is done. However, I rarely just sit down and watch a movie. I often multitask, and also do a puzzle, chat with someone online or via text, or clean while the movie is on. I do not think it is a bad thing to want to keep yourself busy though. I also tend to take on new hobbies or endeavors when I have excess free time instead of just watching TV or a movie.

My parents divorced because of this same difference of ambition. I also know many practicing physicians, both male and female, that are married to someone like my ex or your boyfriend and are miserable because of this difference. I am by no means saying that your boyfriend is a bad person, but he just has a different demanor.

Granted, this may be different for you. I would say that you should talk to him and discuss ways to improve the situation. Then if after X amount of time if it is not working out, it is time to move on.

Sounds like another one of those loser guys that women with a bright future chose to date........always amazes me......

+1 So true.

 

[desklamp]

I've been with my SO for about a year. I'm in medicine and he is not. The relationship is very healthy and positive. I don't have a crazy schedule, but I always seem to be preoccupied with something to do. Studying, research stuff, housecleaning, bills. Never ends. In contrast, he lives with his parents and doesn't need to worry about bills, housecleaning, or food shopping. When he spends time at my place, the only thing that bugs me is that he is completely at leisure. Either playing Scrabble online or watching TV/movies at long stretches. For me, if I'm at his place, I always have work with me in case there is down time. Weekends are pure pleasure for him, while I'm trying to please by joining in on parties, etc while despairing about my undone errands/laundry. The words "I have to..." just never, ever come out of his mouth.

I'm not sure what is 'normal' for a nonmedical partner who hasn't been in this crazed quest for knowledge for so many years. I kind of wish he would be reading books in his spare time instead, or doing extra freelance work to supplement his job in case he gets laid off, or learning a new language or how to invest in the stock market. I guess I never see him working or challenging himself or bettering himself unless he's actually at his job. He is, however, athletic and works out on days we aren't together. Very, very smart, but not academic per se.

On that note, what do your medical spouses/partners do when they have free time, assuming they are a pathologist or something with a non-crazy schedule? I've never dated a medical person.

I have similar issues with my boyfriend, though I am nowhere near as busy as you are.

He lives at home, spends his weekends playing games, has time to go to the gym, always telling me about all the fun he's been having hanging out with his siblings. Meanwhile I spent the week at classes, volunteering, doing research, and just generally holed up in the coffee house studying. It was more frustrating when he would be going out on weekends to college parties. He wants to go to grad school, but outside of one practice test he took I've not seen him pick up a book since then.

I think the reason you may be feeling resentful is because you and many other medical types have an idea of how a person should live-- devotion to learning, working hard, and bettering yourself with intellectual hobbies -- and to see someone that close to you living the near-opposite triggers a "what are you DOING are you going to be doing this when we're 40 too???" response. Add that to the jealousy (can't think of a better word- it's not jealousy exactly, but more of a bitterness that he lives so well with not a care in the world, and does not share in your hectic lifestyle) and you get resentfulness with a touch of condescension and frustration.
I don't know what the point of this post was other than to empathize and vent. Hope things are going better now.

By the way is he by chance younger than you?

 

[Rollo]

Sounds like another one of those loser guys that women with a bright future chose to date........always amazes me......

Real men are ambitious, independent, self-sufficient, and always challenging themselves intellectually, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

This overgrown boy sounds like he has none of those qualities.

 

[Kaustikos]

Real men are ambitious, independent, self-sufficient, and always challenging themselves intellectually, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

This overgrown boy sounds like he has none of those qualities.

You mean he's a loser