Sorry for the double post, here...had to get the rant out of the way.
A few picked up during my EMS time, and from my own family.
Grandma, in the 70's, had issues with her "lamb bagel" (and claimed that the ONLY way she could have got such a disease was through the "Jew doctor" who'd done her histerical-tomy. Thank God such Chicago-Shanty-Irish willful ignorance didn't infect Dad to be passed to us.)
Had a pickup on a first generation Viet-American who'd "americanized" his name by reversing patronymic and given names...Yiu Phuct (pronounced by HIM "Yoo Fooked"...you can guess how everyone who reads it pronounced it at first).
Had a gal we picked up on a "Johnny Bench" (imminent birth) call complain that her "uddah lips, dey's been makin' cottage cheese fo' abou' 8 weeks" (NOT an AA gal talking like this, either)
Had a complaint on a pickup of "pain in my dirtypillows" (old AA grandmother, sweet as hell, this was her way of describing pain in the chest...actually sat home through the night, and called in for advice at 9AM on a nurse's hotline, who naturally IMMEDIATELY got the information, and had us pick her up...she'd waited because "I didn't want to be a bother to anyone, and I figgered it couldn't be TOO serious, or my arm woulda hurt, too, like last time")
"He's had juicytootles for three days" from the mother of a 3y/o pickup suffering siezures, 104.7 temp, and in extreme dehydration...apparantly she meant liquid stool with lots of gas.
"I get these accesses from usin' the same needle too much" from a homeless junkie picked up after being "stomped" in an argument over who had rights to after-sundown use of a certain park (yeah, he had "accesses", some serious lacs, and what appeared to be serious fx of cheekbones and jaw)
"My wife doan' brush her teefs enuff, so I got dis infection when I knocked sum of 'em out lass munf. Ainchoo da guy pick her up, den?" (no, I'm not, but I'm definately going to tell one of the cops hanging around the ER nurse's desk "just in case" about that admission, give them my contact info, and hope they "do the right thing"...silly me...nurse later told me the guy was T&R)
"The doc last night said he thunk I had a concession from bein hit in the haid with a pool ball, but the wait was too long, and my boys was axepekkin me, so I lef', an took a cab back to da bar, drank til closin', an' wen' home ta sleep off da haidachin. It din't go 'way, even doe I slep' till dam' neah tree o'clock dis affernoon, so I had a cupla beers ta take the edge off tha hangovah, an' when DAT din't hep, I cawled you guys." (translation, I got hit in the skull with a fist wrapped around a pool ball last evening, had a preliminary Dx of a concussion, decided that rather than wasting valuable drinking time, I'd sneak out the side doors, cab back to the bar, drink all night, have trouble waking up, AND wake up with a headache, figure it was a hangover, kill at LEAST a six-pack, and, when the headache STILL persisted, decide MAYBE I ought to let a doctor treat me this time)
"I got da cancer...da real mean one...started in my t'roat, and den became meganasties all ovah" (metastasized, I assume)
An original "some dude" story, I think: "See, I was walkin home from my Gran's, an I saw Some Dude juss wailin' the crap outta my homeboy, so what cood I do, y'know? I coon't juss let Steeb (that's how he pronounced it, honestly) get beat down, right? So I kinda jumped in wit dis piece a pipe I juss foun' lyin on the groun'. Then this Other Dude, he had juss been standin' on a poche (poach, said REALLY fast), he dun come down, an' he mussa been bigger dan he look from up dere, cause he hit me in da back, an' it felt like sumbuddy dun drove a cah inta my kid-knees, so I fell dahn, an de guy been whippin' on Steeb dun pick up da pipe, an buss me one in da sholler and da head, den dey bof runned off down da street. (Ok, so how come you were found in the yard of a B&E call in by a guy who'd called the cops, saying he'd driven the burglar out with a baseball bat BY the cops responding, who'd then called for US...10 blocks from where you CLAIM this happened? The homeowner had REALLY clobbered him...he'd lost some 4 years, three months and several hours (it was winter '82 near dawn, he thought it was fall '78, early evening)
