Medical funnies ONLY!

[Hurricane]

not a story, but funny jokes, you've probably heard them before...

How do you keep $100 from an Ortho Surgeon?

put it in a book



How do you keep $100 from a Radiologist?

tape it to a patient



From a neurosurgeon?

tape it to his children



and my personal fave: from a plastic surgeon?

you can't

From a surgeon?
Put it in the patient's chart

From an internist?
Put it under a dressing.

I hadn't heard the neurosurgeon one before

And when I was on anesthesia, they told me that they called the drape between the anesthesia folks and the surgeons the "blood-brain barrier, esp if there were orthopods operating.

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[toofache32]

How do you keep a secret from an Orthopod?





Publish it.

 

[penguins]

So how would you keep a secret from a neurologist?

 

[mysophobe]

Tape it to a patient with a treatable disease.

 

[Hurricane]

How do you tell the difference between a psychiatrist and a psychiatric patient?

The psychiatrist is the one with the keys.

 

[mysophobe]

Doctor: I hear you're having BM problems?

Patient: I eat apples, it comes out apples. I eat bananas, it comes out bananas. What do I do?

Doctor: That's easy. Try eating ****.

 

[Pastrami King]

A man is in to see his ophthalmologist. The doctor calls him into one of the exam rooms, and says in a stern voice, "Mr. Smith, you have to stop jacking off."

"Why, am I going blind"?

"No," the doctor replies. "You're disrupting my waiting room."

 

[Gregg]

Here's one: I was a 4th year student on a rotation in the ER. On the computer, I was assigned a patient with "foreign object in vagina." On pelvic exam, she had (sure enough) a donutshaped orange thing that was stuck perfectly around her cervix. An attending came in and explained to me that this was a c**k ring, and I had to wonder how did the attending know, and the patient never said anything.....

It took us 15 minutes of pulling on the stupid thing so we could keep her out of surgery. And then had to tell her to read the instructions next time. Apparently, the entire time, her boyfriend sat in the car, refusing to come in. When we were done finally, she proceeded to go straight to the car and break his nose. Nice comeback..........

In this situation, discharge teaching needs to include "purchase a new c**k ring but in an appropriate size, try small" - I have seen a few foreign-object-in-vagina where the condom slipped off. Always wanted to tell the boyfriend "don't buy the XL"

 

[souljah1]

A surgeon says to me at the table with the anesthesiologist present: What do the ABCs stand for in Anesthesia?

Me: Airway, Breathing, Circulation

Surgeon: That is what would think right? But take a look over the curtain - A is for Airway, B is for book, and C is for chair.

Anesthesiologist to me: Don't let jealousy invade your soul like it did to him (pointing to surgeon).

Surgeon: Table up...no wait...table down...no....table up........table down.....

 

[DeLaughterDO]

A surgeon says to me at the table with the anesthesiologist present: What do the ABCs stand for in Anesthesia?

Me: Airway, Breathing, Circulation

Surgeon: That is what would think right? But take a look over the curtain - A is for Airway, B is for book, and C is for chair.

Anesthesiologist to me: Don't let jealousy invade your soul like it did to him (pointing to surgeon).

Surgeon: Table up...no wait...table down...no....table up........table down.....

Another variation on this is: Airway Breathing Crossword...

another is: Another Boring Case....

We need to find a way to work sudoku into the ABCs, too.. every CRNA I worked with would do sudoku puzzles while I was working the case.

 

[DeLaughterDO]

A man is in to see his ophthalmologist. The doctor calls him into one of the exam rooms, and says in a stern voice, "Mr. Smith, you have to stop jacking off."

"Why, am I going blind"?

"No," the doctor replies. "You're disrupting my waiting room."

Nice...

 

[southerndoc]

Another variation on this is: Airway Breathing Crossword...

another is: Another Boring Case....

I thought it was Airway, Bagel, Coffee?

 

[gutonc]

Just to add a joke everyone's heard before:

How do you tell a surgeon, a urologist and an anesthesiologist apart?

The surgeon has blood on his shoes. The urologist has urine on his shoes. The anesthesiologist has cofee on his shoes.

BE

 

[ForamenMagnumPI]

As a 4th year med student in ER, pt comes in with complaint of pelvic pain...

Me: So, have you noticed any vaginal discharge?
Pt: You mean my cooch?

I almost lost it.

I had a similar experience on my OB/Gyn rotation. I went to see a patient who was postpartum day 1 and asked her how she was doing. She said, "Well, my business is hurting." I said, "Your business?" I thought maybe she owned a store or something and missing work was hurting profits (yes, I am naive). She got angry, pointed between her legs and said, "Yeah, you know, my coochie...my hoo-ha...my business." I tried so hard not to laugh.

 

[mysophobe]

The names people call their private parts are hilarious. I wish I could remember some funny ones, but cooch and 'gina are all I can think of right now.

 

[u_r_my_serenity]

The names people call their private parts are hilarious. I wish I could remember some funny ones, but cooch and 'gina are all I can think of right now.

A woman (actually more than one) called it her cookie.

 

[mtheman]

The names people call their private parts are hilarious. I wish I could remember some funny ones, but cooch and 'gina are all I can think of right now.

Cooter is another one

 

[Gimlet]

Cooter is another one

Boner? Is boner one?

 

[Loopo Henle]

The names people call their private parts are hilarious. I wish I could remember some funny ones, but cooch and 'gina are all I can think of right now.

I had a demented old lady patient once who would only say one thing to me over and over and over:
"Don't strip me naked, I don't want you to see my Santa Claus." No lie.

 

[mysophobe]

Haha! I've heard cooter before, but never cookie or Santa Claus. That's awesome.

 

[Apollyon]

Cooch, coochie, hoo-hoo, hoo-ha, "my privates", "my privacy", "my business", "my gear", box, slit, and the ever-present "down there" ("No, not down there - DOWN THERE" - to differentiate urethra/urinary and rectal/anal/diarrhea complaints from, well, "down there").

 

[SergeGainsbourg]

ABC's of surgery:

Assess
Blame
Criticize
Deny
Evade

 

[gunit07]

Cooch, coochie, hoo-hoo, hoo-ha, "my privates", "my privacy", "my business", "my gear", box, slit, and the ever-present "down there" ("No, not down there - DOWN THERE" - to differentiate urethra/urinary and rectal/anal/diarrhea complaints from, well, "down there").

on outpatient peds, a mom brought in her 3 year old who had some sort of rash (she was potty training). so the doctors asks the mom to take off the girl's underwear so she can see. mom goes "ok, doctors gotta look at your poochie"
little girl (so innocently) "my poochie?"
it was adorably funny


tho, best moment so far - while on short call on gen med there was a very belligerent patient on another team that we were covering; the intern and i went to go see her - she was supposed to have colonoscopy the next morning, but family decided it was good to get her some fast food. anyways, this intern has the BEST bedside manner you could imagine. When we walked in she goes "who are you?? another doctor?? every time a different doctor walks in here, i never see the same on twice!!! go away! i aint talkin to you!"
my intern goes "well ma'am, right now I am the doctor resposible for your care, and as long as I'm here, I will be the one to come see you" (purposefully avoiding explaining the concept of short call)
so she goes "oh yea? what about when you're at home with your wife doing the oochie coochie? then what? you gonna jump out of bed and come see me??"
it took everything in me to keep from laughing.

the next time i was on call, she ran away from the hospital, only to come back 2 hours later, having used her IJ as venous access for cocaine.
lord knows if she ever got that colonoscopy!

 

[ekydrd]

In this situation, discharge teaching needs to include "purchase a new c**k ring but in an appropriate size, try small" - I have seen a few foreign-object-in-vagina where the condom slipped off. Always wanted to tell the boyfriend "don't buy the XL"

Reminds me of the couple that came in during my ER rotation in med school. The pt was asked what brought him in but he was too embarrassed to tell us. The girlfriend said... "well, we were playing around with my vibrator... and it kinda disappeared... and we can't reach the off button." OK, at this point the nurse and I nearly lost it... but then the attending comes in and says... "what's that noise?" we did. His abdominal film became the favorite "guess the foreign body" x-ray of the ER, and his discharge teaching included not putting things IN that particular orifice.

 

[Gfunk6]

I was on a medicine clerkship and we had a patient who was a poly-substance abuser who was being treated w/ benzos to avoid DT (among other things). Anyway, this guy was incredibly belligerent and verbally abusive to both the nursing staff and the residents.

Finally, during morning rounds, our attending walks into the room and this guy is still acting like a jackass. Our attending (mild-mannered guy who speaks softly) suddenly bursts out with, "THIS IS MY HOUSE!! YOU'RE GONNA FOLLOW MY RULES OR I'LL THROW YOU OUT ON YOUR ASS!!"

No problems after that

 

[mysophobe]

on outpatient peds, a mom brought in her 3 year old who had some sort of rash (she was potty training). so the doctors asks the mom to take off the girl's underwear so she can see. mom goes "ok, doctors gotta look at your poochie"
little girl (so innocently) "my poochie?"
it was adorably funny


tho, best moment so far - while on short call on gen med there was a very belligerent patient on another team that we were covering; the intern and i went to go see her - she was supposed to have colonoscopy the next morning, but family decided it was good to get her some fast food. anyways, this intern has the BEST bedside manner you could imagine. When we walked in she goes "who are you?? another doctor?? every time a different doctor walks in here, i never see the same on twice!!! go away! i aint talkin to you!"
my intern goes "well ma'am, right now I am the doctor resposible for your care, and as long as I'm here, I will be the one to come see you" (purposefully avoiding explaining the concept of short call)
so she goes "oh yea? what about when you're at home with your wife doing the oochie coochie? then what? you gonna jump out of bed and come see me??"
it took everything in me to keep from laughing.

the next time i was on call, she ran away from the hospital, only to come back 2 hours later, having used her IJ as venous access for cocaine.
lord knows if she ever got that colonoscopy!

I would have told her that it doesn't take me that long to do the oochie coochie, so she doesn't have to worry.

 

[ekydrd]

I was on a medicine clerkship and we had a patient who was a poly-substance abuser who was being treated w/ benzos to avoid DT (among other things). Anyway, this guy was incredibly belligerent and verbally abusive to both the nursing staff and the residents.

Finally, during morning rounds, our attending walks into the room and this guy is still acting like a jackass. Our attending (mild-mannered guy who speaks softly) suddenly bursts out with, "THIS IS MY HOUSE!! YOU'RE GONNA FOLLOW MY RULES OR I'LL THROW YOU OUT ON YOUR ASS!!"

No problems after that

I had a vet (love those vets... I am one by the way) who would not listen to the nurses and stay in bed and leave his O2 on. I finally went to his room to talk to him. It went kinda like this...

me... Mr. XXX you need to stay in bed and leave that tube by your nose.

Mr. XXX... G_ddammit I donwanna!!! Why do I gotta stay in this damn bed for?

me... you need to stay in bed because you just had surgery. You might fall down and get hurt. And please leave your O2 on. Your COPD isn't any better than when you came in yesterday you know. (He's been on O2 for years)

Mr. XXX... Damn women makin' me do things. Why do I have to listen to you anyhow?

me... because I'm the doctor and you need to do what I say!

Mr. XXX... oh, why didn't you say so in the first place doc?

Didn't hear another peep out of him the rest of the night.

 

[Mumpu]

Typical VA clinic:

Me: So you are here to follow up for blah-blah-blah.

Patient: I don't know. I just got a letter that said to show up here today.

Maybe ALL patients should go through military training?

 

[gutonc]

Typical VA clinic:

Me: So you are here to follow up for blah-blah-blah.

Patient: I don't know. I just got a letter that said to show up here today.

Maybe ALL patients should go through military training?

My usual start to a clinic appt. is "what brings you in to see us today?" At the VA the answer, invariably is, "I had an appointment to see the doctor."

I love the VA. Seriously.

BE

 

[penguins]

I was on a medicine clerkship and we had a patient who was a poly-substance abuser who was being treated w/ benzos to avoid DT (among other things). Anyway, this guy was incredibly belligerent and verbally abusive to both the nursing staff and the residents.

Finally, during morning rounds, our attending walks into the room and this guy is still acting like a jackass. Our attending (mild-mannered guy who speaks softly) suddenly bursts out with, "THIS IS MY HOUSE!! YOU'RE GONNA FOLLOW MY RULES OR I'LL THROW YOU OUT ON YOUR ASS!!"

No problems after that

Sweet! My favorite

 

[coogmed]

Two of my personal faves - short but sweet...

Every pt. at our L&D triage area has to fill out an intake form, which has a line for "responsible party" (ie the father of the child).
.... the all time best response? One person wrote in "medicade"

and in OB resident clinic I once saw this pt. in her early teens (I think she was 14 in her 2 trimester, but time+beer=bad memory). Mom (or grandma I should say) had this kid's FIRST child in her lap. I was finishing up the exam and brought up the topic of contraception, to which she sincerely repiled "oh doc, you don' havta worry, I've got the two I wanted, I don't want to have any more right now"

 

[GoofyDoc]

and in OB resident clinic I once saw this pt. in her early teens (I think she was 14 in her 2 trimester, but time+beer=bad memory). Mom (or grandma I should say) had this kid's FIRST child in her lap. I was finishing up the exam and brought up the topic of contraception, to which she sincerely repiled "oh doc, you don' havta worry, I've got the two I wanted, I don't want to have any more right now"

That's sad. Reminds me of one time during my outpatient peds rotation when both mother and daughter had come in for a checkup. The mom was only 13.

 

[Mumpu]

The human body matures about 10 years faster than the brain.

Had a guy in DTs who single-handedly consumed the entire hospital supply of ativan. Didn't touch him a bit either!

 

[undecided05]

re:ativan...you know that you can actually get ethyleneglycol poison off of too much IV ativan.

But my story has to do with ob/gyn as a 3rd year... pre-rounded on the pre-term labor on bed rest 15-16 year old with boyfriend spooning in the single bed. Comeback 30 minutes later with the rest of the team and he was absolutely railing her... Not the best for PTL.

Then 2 weeks later, she's still on the service, now with fevers/dysuria x 2-3 days, comes up positive for GC when she initally tested negative. Yelling at boyfriend, then next day states all is well, b/c boyfriend explained how she got it off the toliet seat in the hospital.

 

[gutonc]

On my medicine clerkship at the county hospital we were rounding on a sickler who happened to have a private room. When the team walked in (after knocking and saying good morning) we come around the drawn curtain to find him w/ a Hustler in one hand and his dick in the other. We asked what was going on and he answered "I had to doc, I got the prappy-ism."

We then explained the treatment for "prappy-ism" which instantly fixed his erection.

BE

 

[TropicalFish]

At the VA: One of our patients complained to the medical student following him that his testicles hurt. Our smart medical student examined the area, and could not find the scrotum. He then asked the patient to please lift himself off the bed...and there they were...the patient was sitting on them!! Hm...cause for the pain? The patient was sitting on his scrotum!

 

[DW3843]

holy crap. this thread is back from the dead!

please keep the stories coming

 

[n3ur05ur930n]

The names people call their private parts are hilarious. I wish I could remember some funny ones, but cooch and 'gina are all I can think of right now.

Personally, I prefer "vajayjay."

The Peurto Rican "chocha" (of Missy Elliott fame) is another perennial favorite.

 

[BeakerEMT]

I worked as an Emergency Dept Tech while in college and had a rather intoxicated patient brought in by EMS & PD.

Officer: "What is your g/f name?"
Pt: "Bit*h As* Mother F***er"
EMT: "Is As* her middle name or part of her first name"

Later doc is talking to patient who is using lots of vulgarity and spitting. Doc graps pt by cheeks and says "The police have to be careful what they do to you. I dont, I know how to resusitate you."

Best line I have ever heard from an ED doc.

 

[butterfly0660]

The names people call their private parts are hilarious. I wish I could remember some funny ones, but cooch and 'gina are all I can think of right now.

A patient came into the OB triage area at my school and when asked what brought here in, she said "I got the heebie jeebies in my pocket book." Confused, the resident said, "excuse me?" The patient replied, "I got the heebie jeebies in my pocket book...you know, I'm itchin' in my f**k ditch!" The residents are still laughing about it.

 

[needinformation]

My senior resident told me this story.
He was a MS 3 learning how to do a PE. His assigned patient was a morbidly obese woman. So my gentle, calm, and sweet resident is lifting up each flab and examining the skin...etc, then he lifts the woman's belly, and an unwrapped twinkie fell on the floor... The patient had been eating twinkies before, and had lost one...

 

[Dr. V]

I know an attending that does not care for Family Medicine.

To make a long story short he was upset with Family for some reason on this particular night on call.

At 1 or so in the morning he puts in a STAT consult for a Genogram and has them paged.

He got his butt in a sling for that one, even if he was an attending.

 

[DOtobe]

My senior resident told me this story.
He was a MS 3 learning how to do a PE. His assigned patient was a morbidly obese woman. So my gentle, calm, and sweet resident is lifting up each flab and examining the skin...etc, then he lifts the woman's belly, and an unwrapped twinkie fell on the floor... The patient had been eating twinkies before, and had lost one...

And also,

 

[DOtobe]

I know an attending that does not care for Family Medicine.

To make a long story short he was upset with Family for some reason on this particular night on call.

At 1 or so in the morning he puts in a STAT consult for a Genogram and has them paged.

He got his butt in a sling for that one, even if he was an attending.

I'm glad your attending isn't at my hospital!

Although at 1am on call, we are awake more times than not anyway.

 

[DOtobe]

That's sad. Reminds me of one time during my outpatient peds rotation when both mother and daughter had come in for a checkup. The mom was only 13.

I just finished my OB rotation and I was admitting a new patient to L&D. On her med list?...

"Flintstone vitamins"

I didn't know whether to laugh or feel sorry for her.

 

[Apollyon]

I just finished my OB rotation and I was admitting a new patient to L&D. On her med list?...

"Flintstone vitamins"

I didn't know whether to laugh or feel sorry for her.

Actually (and I Am Not Making This Up, to borrow from Dave Barry), when I was a med student, this was something the residents recommended to the preggers instead of prenatal vitamins if they didn't have insurance. Apparently, the Flintstones vits are the right stuff! They are a superior choice than Centrum.

 

[tiredmom]

I just finished my OB rotation and I was admitting a new patient to L&D. On her med list?...

"Flintstone vitamins"

I didn't know whether to laugh or feel sorry for her.

They also work well for the moms that have trouble either swallowing pills (prenatal vitamins are pretty nasty tasting) or with excess pukiness of pregnancy.

 

[Sammich81]

VA pts ARE the best!! Wish I'd spent more than 6wks there.

Coolest VA pt I had...

~50yo 'nam vet diabetic M comes in 1wk after a spider bite and it has become superinfected with community acquired MRSA.

(pt was not homeless)
Pt: I was taking a nap on my floor when this black spider bit me.
Me: Why were you taking a nap on the floor?
Pt: [looking at me like I'm an idiot...] Because I was tired.
Me: OK, fair enough. So what's up with this spider?
Pt: He was a highly trained special operations unit on a sneak commando raid.
Me: [can't stop laughing. don't know how to f/u that, so the 1st question I can even think to ask is...] Did you at least get to kill it?
Pt: [visibly upset by his own answer] No, that motherf*cker crawled under the stove before I got to him. [a sudden look of resolve...] I'm gonna find him.

The spider bite was 1wk PTA, after which the pt experienced a lot of the symptoms of a black widow spider bite, which had long-resolved by this time (and just left behind a big old abscess on his hand). I was bored and wanted to go back and shoot the $hit with that patient for a few, so I made a photo lineup of about a dozen spiders that inhabit Illinois.

Me: Alright, I've got pictures of a few spiders here I would like you to take a close look at. Have you seen any of these guys hangin' around the neighborhood, lookin' like they're up to no good...
Pt: [Going straight to the black widow picture] There he is!! That's Charley!! Oh, I'm gonna "Agent Orange" your a$$, motherf*cker! Wait 'til I get home!!
WAIT 'TIL I GET HOME!!!

He perseverated on "Charley" for the rest of his stay. Really great guy. Never did find out if he whacked Charley though.

I love the VA.

Oh that makes me nostalgic for my gen surg rotation at the VA. I can't remember anything particularly funny, except that I convinced one of those grizzled old men to participate in music therapy--the image of him shaking a maracca (sp?) will stay with me forever. Oh, and the fact that I got proposals of marriage almost daily.

 

[UHS05]

During an H and P for an excisional breast biopsy, I discovered that the while the patient's sister did not have a history of breast cancer, her "GYM" doctor had told her that she had a problem with her "milk DUDS" Being an SDNer to the core, I couldn't get the thought of this thread out of my mind during the rest of the interview

 

[psychbender]

Funniest allergy I ever saw in medical records...fluids.

Never did ask the woman what happened when she had fluids. Urination and lack of thirst?