How do you keep your marriage/LTR going well while in pharmacy school?

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FarscapeGirl

FarscapeGirl

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I've been with my significant other for over seven years now, and we've been married for almost two. I'll be starting my second year of pharmacy school next year. This has definitely been a stressful year for our relationship. We're still doing well, but after the tornado of first year is over, I want to make sure that will still be the case in the future! Because of the stress of school and the fact that our schedules have changed, we don't see our mutual friends as much, and we don't do a lot that we used to do (weekend hiking, tourist attractions in our area, etc.). As well, he picked up a lot of the housework while I was in classes (which I feel slightly guilty about, although I'm doing a lot more over the summer).

For those of you who are married/in a LRT, especially those married or living together before going to pharmacy school, how do you manage your relationships while you're in school? How do you make sure you spend quality time together?
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FarscapeGirl said:
How do you make sure you spend quality time together?
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I am not in pharm school yet and this worries me a lot; I have been a stay at home mom of four kids for years now. My husband is used to working (and working a lot, and being out of town a lot) and coming home and having most of the domestic and child rearing work complete. I am taking only one class right now and if 430 rolls around on the weekend and I am studying, he starts to worry about dinner, etc...(obviously I have some retraining to do with him LOL if I ever am going to make it through an intense program). I have already mentioned to him how much busier I will be in the future but I don't think it will sink in until we are there and living it.

I think the key to this is setting yourself a schedule and sticking to it. When you have someone else (or several someone elses, in my case) that is one of your priorities, you don't have the luxury of studying whenever you feel like it, and vegging whenever you feel like it etc... At least if you have a specific time set aside for not studying and for working on your personal life, and it does not have to be huge, just unimpeded by worries about school/work/whatever, I think that should help. And stick to the time most of the time. If you say "at 7, we can eat together and I will watch a movie with you for a couple of hours, then I need to get back to studying" - do it and don't try to steal a few extra minutes studying.

I am not yet in, just finishing up some pre-reqs to apply. Right now I am taking Org Chem and I ended up on the couch yesterday trying to spend time with my husband, while studying, while being available to my four kids. Big mistake. I was pretty lousy at doing any of that. I ended up half-watching Alien vs. Predator and opening an endless stream of gogurt tubes instead of getting through my chapter on Nucleic Acids.

Of course there is going to be sacrifice of personal time unless your life was just as busy before. For most people I think there is a big adjustment. I am sure it is harder for the one who did not make the huge change of starting the program. I think taking tiny bits of time to remind them you have not abandoned them can help too. Seriously, something as stupid as picking up their favorite candy bar while you are at the store lets them know they were on your mind. (I know that sounds really stupid).

Don't forget though, it takes both of you, so the best you can do is make your best efforts and intentions (and what is "best" now may not be the same as when you were not in your program). Good luck!
 
I've only been with my S.O. since the start of this year, but he understands how busy I am. He's in college, too, and we found out that trying to study together doesn't work, lol...so we just limit our time together when we have other obligations. Same kind of time management as with other friends or your own free time--keep it at a level you can work around. Little things like meeting for lunch between classes work for me.
 
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The main thing is understanding where your SO is comimg from when issues such as this arise. Many times we are so busy with school and work that our relationships fall into the background. Setting aside time each day to spend with family or a SO is priceless. They have to feel as if they have not been pushed away b/c of school or work. I found that spending time with my wife after classes and through dinner was working. So, that is what we did and it was fine. Also, at least once a week I didn't study and put that time away for just the wife and I. In reality, pharm. school really isn't that hard. Just manage your time right and you will be fine.
 
Almost all unhappiness in life is from unmet/unrealized/unrealistic expectations. If you expect that a change in life status would not effect the amount of time you spent together or the stress you would be under or the change in what you could contribute to the household/relationship, that's where you get into trouble. This is nothing compared to having children, dealing with a major illness, etc...

The key is to communicate and set realistic expectations and remember this is only for a short period of time. In the grand scheme of life, college is a blip.

Speak openly and honestly to each other and things will work out just fine. I love the idea of a date night. Pick a night and go out that night no matter what. Even if it's for a cup of coffee. Make it regular and make it happen. That means, if you have a test the next day, you study enough before that you can still catch a cup of coffee together....
 
Thanks for the advice, everyone. The funny thing is that we both went through the stress of grad school together for over five years. I think we did pretty well because of our more similar schedules and friends (whom have now in large part moved away and/or had kids). It helped, too, I believe, that we were both busy, usually at different times. Now, I'm busy almost all the time during the school year!

I really think scheduling one night a week for some sort of date night and then doing one thing fun together on the weekend (or even something not related to school) should help.

Adma826, I feel for you. I had to re-take o-chem to get into pharm school while I was in grad school. Almost every night I went home to study after working a full day (even though I had had it before, I forgot a lot of the details and had to spend a decent amount of time re-learning them). My in-laws came up for Thanksgiving, and all I remember is how tired I was, going to sleep even before pie was served. I wish you luck in doing pharm school with kids and also in re-training the husband!
 
Make time. My house is highly understanding, though! She's a sweetheart.
 
maintaining relationships is all about time management. i do not think it is a problem in pharmacy school at all.
 
PharmaTope said:
maintaining relationships is all about time management. i do not think it is a problem in pharmacy school at all.
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Correct. And it has nothing to do with any specific school. You could be going to basketweaving school and have issues if you can't manage your time.
 
My soon-to-be-wife and I had dated nearly two years before I crossed the country for pharmacy school. Before leaving, we decided it was too good to let go of.

I made it a point to involve her in my social circle. We talked often, every morning and usually every evening. Study time was my time, but she knew when it was and respected my needs. We shared Friday nights as "date" nights. We would get the same movie to watch and TV dinners / desserts. I scheduled 3 trips home per school year to keep our physical connection as well.

The most important part was the devotion. When we decided to stay together, I had internally decided to marry her. We continued to talk about the future as though it was only a year or two out.

During my P2 finals, I flew home for her graduation party, and asked her to marry me.

We are now 1 month from being married. If you are willing to put in the work, assuming thr relationship is healthy for both, there is no reason it wouldn't work. Like anything else important to you, it becomes a priority.
 
jinga said:
Make time. My house is highly understanding, though! She's a sweetheart.
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I presume you mean housemate?

I guess what I'm asking more here is if your SO does take over more of the work while you're in pharmacy school, how do you make it so they don't feel taken advantage of? My husband doesn't seem to mind, but I feel a little bad at how much he does. When I went to a meeting right around finals, the only reason I had clean clothes was because of him!
 
FruitFly said:
Correct. And it has nothing to do with any specific school. You could be going to basketweaving school and have issues if you can't manage your time.
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Oh, I realize time management is important. You don't get through 5+ years of grad school and/or into pharmacy school without it. I didn't like what I was doing before, so I thought I'd be less stressed. However, I didn't realize just how many things pull at your time in pharmacy school. Between classes, my internship, and ECs, no matter how much time management I have, my husband and I will spend less time together. (It so doesn't help because his schedule varies, inevitably, when I'm free, he has to work all night!)

If you did have a relationship before and during pharmacy school, things obviously change. How did YOU manage that? I realize that whenever we have kids, things will change, and we'll have to adjust. Similarly to now, I'll probably ask friends/see how others manage.
 
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aboveliquidice said:
My soon-to-be-wife and I had dated nearly two years before I crossed the country for pharmacy school. Before leaving, we decided it was too good to let go of.

I made it a point to involve her in my social circle. We talked often, every morning and usually every evening. Study time was my time, but she knew when it was and respected my needs. We shared Friday nights as "date" nights. We would get the same movie to watch and TV dinners / desserts. I scheduled 3 trips home per school year to keep our physical connection as well.

The most important part was the devotion. When we decided to stay together, I had internally decided to marry her. We continued to talk about the future as though it was only a year or two out.

During my P2 finals, I flew home for her graduation party, and asked her to marry me.

We are now 1 month from being married. If you are willing to put in the work, assuming thr relationship is healthy for both, there is no reason it wouldn't work. Like anything else important to you, it becomes a priority.
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Oh, early congratulations! Long-distance is so very rough. The fact that you two made it makes you probably about 1 relationship in a 100?? That had to be an adjustment and a half!
 
awwww,:love: with all these heartfelt posts youre all writing about your sig others, I need to dedicate a song to you all...a classic, but ONLY U2's version, not the original. May you all have this:

[YOUTUBE]481XQAOA_6s[/YOUTUBE]
 
I had a long distance relationship when I was in college and it was a total failure. There is no such thing as a long distance relationship, just a booty call.

You cannot have a relationship with someone that isn't in your zip code, or at least that's what my personal experience has taught me. I'm married now and happier than I could have ever imagined.
 
Old Timer said:
Almost all unhappiness in life is from unmet/unrealized/unrealistic expectations. If you expect that a change in life status would not effect the amount of time you spent together or the stress you would be under or the change in what you could contribute to the household/relationship, that's where you get into trouble. This is nothing compared to having children, dealing with a major illness, etc...

The key is to communicate and set realistic expectations and remember this is only for a short period of time. In the grand scheme of life, college is a blip.

Speak openly and honestly to each other and things will work out just fine. I love the idea of a date night. Pick a night and go out that night no matter what. Even if it's for a cup of coffee. Make it regular and make it happen. That means, if you have a test the next day, you study enough before that you can still catch a cup of coffee together....
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:thumbup:
tell me more. lol
 
These posts are encouraging, but something tells me that long distance relationships or relationships through stressful, busy times only work if both people are thoughtful and not selfish.

Thoughtful, because no one likes having to ask their SO to do everything, and not being selfish is self explanatory.

My first 6 year relationship with a guy who went to med school was a fail because he refused to talk to me for more than 15 minutes a day. My current relationship I'm extremely worried about, as my bf is a few years younger than I am and honestly, who stays committed through 4 years of long distance :(.
 
meh, I've had 2 relationships last 2-3 years, and then go long distance and last a year that way before fizzling.

I probably won't try that one again!
 
I made a deal with my SO. She follows me to pharmacy school and then I follow her to medical school. Hopefully she gets into medical school somewhere that I can get a job and/or residency.
 
desklamp said:
These posts are encouraging, but something tells me that long distance relationships or relationships through stressful, busy times only work if both people are thoughtful and not selfish.

Thoughtful, because no one likes having to ask their SO to do everything, and not being selfish is self explanatory.

My first 6 year relationship with a guy who went to med school was a fail because he refused to talk to me for more than 15 minutes a day. My current relationship I'm extremely worried about, as my bf is a few years younger than I am and honestly, who stays committed through 4 years of long distance :(.
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Some days I talked to my girl less than 3 minutes... being too needy is an issue... You've got to have balance and you have got to have understanding.
 
aboveliquidice said:
Some days I talked to my girl less than 3 minutes... being too needy is an issue... You've got to have balance and you have got to have understanding.
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yeah but did you limit her to 15 minutes ANY day? like any day, of any week, of any month, the rule always applied that you couldn't talk more than 15 minutes. and i doubt you refused to ever visit her and told her that if she wanted to visit you, she had around 2 times a year to choose from that you would make time. literally, 2 times, and she had to pick one, or the other because the other time you wanted to go do something else. trust me, the issue was not an issue of excessive neediness heh.

i am just speculating, of course, but it seems to me the main reason your long distance relationship worked throughout school was because you had already decided that you were committed to your fiancee. and i am sure that commitment showed in your actions, and therefore she did not feel as much threat to the relationship and was able to be more understanding (read: no fighting) :p. if only we could all find guys like that!
 
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mad phone sex skillz is all you need.
 
Its Z said:
mad phone sex skillz is all you need.
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Nah, I would imagine any sort of long distance sex, whether via phone, text, email, IM, etc would eventually either drive someone crazy or get really old if they weren't getting the real deal, but I don't know for sure. However, I think that was a really encouraging suggestion.
 
Just make time for each other.

I sincerely doubt that if you make a conscious effort to make time for one another, that you would be unable to do so.

I was in medical school while my now-fiance was in pharmacy school. When she graduated, I became a resident. We still spend a lot of time from each other, but I will agree that it is due to a more conscious effort to try and make sure that whatever little time we have - is quality time.

You'll be fine, stop stressing.
 
SpirivaSunrise said:
Are you seeing anyone now?
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not yet. just got to the new city and all. plus, I think I will refrain from imposing my crazy on anyone just yet!

the roomie is cute and single so when I have money we will paint the town red!
 
SpirivaSunrise said:
Sounds good to me!

Any plans to come home to this area for the holidays?
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No idea. I don't have much reason to go to NM now, so I guess the Midatlantic is the place to go!

I might work the holidays, we'll see.
 
Just find a boyfriend who will follow you wherever you go... If he doesn't adore you, then find someone who does.

(I have too much ambition to follow a man. Plus, my decisions are methodical and strategy-based, so following someone else would never work, because I trust my decision-making ability above all else.)
 
Am I a bad person if I find the relationship woes of others amusing?

I mean, some people get annoyed when people complain about not being able to find a pharmacy job in an area. 3.5 billion members of the opposite (or same) sex and you can't find someone? It's not even affected by the recession, ya bums.

I could find myself another 20 wives in the next week easier than I could find a job in the NYC-DC corridor right now.
 
I had a hard enough time taking care of myself; I often wondered how people with kids managed to look after them and study!

One thing I can tell you NOT to do happened in my class. I had a classmate who was married with a young child, and his wife threw him out because he was paying girls in our class to do some really kinky stuff she wouldn't do. :eek: None of the people involved in this were able to get jobs within about 100 miles of our alma mater's town. I should add that the guy was morbidly obese and so shall we say facially challenged, when I found out he was married I asked if his wife was blind. :scared:
 
PharmDstudent said:
Just find a boyfriend who will follow you wherever you go... If he doesn't adore you, then find someone who does.
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From a MAN'S point of view, there is soo much wrong with that statement its not even funny.

The only man that will do that may have a middle name such as wussy, p*ssy, wimpy, chump...list goes on.

Let me guess, you are still single and think something is wrong with the opposite sex.
 
TemSirolimus said:
From a MAN'S point of view, there is soo much wrong with that statement its not even funny.

The only man that will do that may have a middle name such as wussy, p*ssy, wimpy, chump...list goes on.

Let me guess, you are still single and think something is wrong with the opposite sex.
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:laugh:

Hell no! I haven't been single in years...

ETA: I like the mechanical types, i.e. the ones who generally hate making "domestic" decisions. I appreciate them, because they're good at automotive work, computer repair, helping carry in the groceries, and stuff like that. They appreciate me, because I'll go to the grocery store and pay the bills.
An overbearing man is worthless to me- a fairly self-reserved, prudent person.
 
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PharmDstudent said:
Just find a boyfriend who will do whatever you tell him to because he has no goals; therefore, he wants someone to tell him what to do since people like that will be losers for the rest of their life.
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There, I fixed that quote for you.

Truthfully speaking, a man that will follow a woman like that has no goals or ambition. How is that attractive? I had a girlfriend that wanted me to go to school with her in West Virginia and I was in pharmacy school several states away. You think I'm just gonna give up my life here for another person? I had dreams, I had goals, and I had ambition. Lucky for me I achieved them and found someone that wanted to share in my dreams with me. Tem has a point. All of the people that have that weird mentality are usually single because they are looking for "their prince charming to sweep them off their feet" or at least they have the princess mentality.

Sorry to burst your bubble but most guys do not want to treat women like queens at the expense of their careers. Men do not want to be told what to do just so they can "get some".
 
PharmDstudent said:
:laugh:

Hell no! I haven't been single in years...
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thats my story and I'm sticking to it.

I truly hope the lucky dude does not fit the profile you described. I'd have to pull the "pathetic" sign and shake my head for a few minutes.
 
scoobygrl79 said:
Nah, I would imagine any sort of long distance sex, whether via phone, text, email, IM, etc would eventually either drive someone crazy or get really old if they weren't getting the real deal,
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Speaking from experience I see.
 
Mike, that's because you have a cute baby face. Not everyone was as lucky as you on the way down to earth ;)

As for the men following women convo...wtf? You expect women to follow you but not vice versa? I think that is taking gender role a bit too far. If you can't find a compromise so that you and your gf/wife can both be successful, then why the hell are you getting married? To live out the American Dream of a picket fence and 2.5 kids? Perhaps I am misinterpreting what you guys are saying...but to call men sissies because they follow their wife somewhere for four years sounds ******ed to me. That takes real balls to put off your career for a few years.
 
rxlea said:
Mike, that's because you have a cute baby face. Not everyone was as lucky as you on the way down to earth ;)

As for the men following women convo...wtf? You expect women to follow you but not vice versa? I think that is taking gender role a bit too far. If you can't find a compromise so that you and your gf/wife can both be successful, then why the hell are you getting married? To live out the American Dream of a picket fence and 2.5 kids? Perhaps I am misinterpreting what you guys are saying...but to call men sissies because they follow their wife somewhere for four years sounds ******ed to me. That takes real balls to put off your career for a few years.
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PharmDStudent said girlfriend, not wife. Huge difference.

Putting off your career and dreams for something not certain takes balls? So does robbing a bank :laugh:
 
DrPepsi said:
PharmDStudent said girlfriend, not wife. Huge difference.

Putting off your career and dreams for something not certain takes balls? So does robbing a bank :laugh:
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Well, considering I don't have the option/right to make that distinction, I probably don't understand then. But, I suppose you are right...you want to be certain that the relationship will be successful before you follow someone across the country.
 
rxlea said:
Well, considering I don't have the option/right to make that distinction, I probably don't understand then. But, I suppose you are right...you want to be certain that the relationship will be successful before you follow someone across the country.
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I wonder if you could arrange some sort of interstate residency loophole. Up my way, there is word of a few gay couples that have started to get the idea to "live" in MD where same sex marriage is recently recognized...but have "second residencies" (aka Vacation huts in Deep Creek, MD)and "just so happen to work" in WV or PA where it isn't. Just get married in one of those NE states that allows it. You know.

I have no idea if it will work for them...but it's an idea. Of course, Maryland is an easy 20 minute Interstate drive to Morgantown...so I guess they could just move right over the border.

See...all the talk about not wanting to go to school "in a place like" WV. You could be going to school in a surprisingly progressive college town and have marriage rights. Ha. :laugh:
 
rph3664 said:
I had a hard enough time taking care of myself; I often wondered how people with kids managed to look after them and study!

One thing I can tell you NOT to do happened in my class. I had a classmate who was married with a young child, and his wife threw him out because he was paying girls in our class to do some really kinky stuff she wouldn't do. :eek:
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I would hope the OP already knows this one... yikes!

It's all about good prioritization. I took a hit on my grades to work more hours and spend some of the time I had left with my family last year. It's going to be even harder in P2 and P3. Keep the communication open, and make sure that school and family are co-number one priorities. Also, make sure your significant other understands this is a (relatively) short-term situation, and that you'll be back to your old, available self soon enough. And as far as I'm concerned, not even the degree is worth it if I lose my wife or kids in the process.

Momus said:
lol @ marriage
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Nice contribution. So glad to have your opinion on the subject.
 
Its Z said:
Speaking from experience I see.
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:laugh:
I have been up close & personal to a person going thru getting really bored w/all the talk & no action AND I've also known a person to do the whole going nuts because they hear abt the action & want it but not get it.:shrug: Guess thats what happens when people fall in lust, :idea: poor fools shouldve just done the booty call.
 
rxlea said:
I am not opposed to living in Appalachia. In fact, I think it is one of the most beautiful regions in the whole US. The problem lies in finding a job where domestic partner benefits are available, among other things. Mayo has some of the best DP benefits I have ever seen and it would be difficult to give that up. I don't know if other documents (such as advanced directives) apply out of state if I were to move or anything. I would have to ask my lawyer about all that. Marriage grants like a thousand rights so it takes a number of documents to secure everything. I don't have that much of a problem here because my employer would allow visitation and honor any advanced directives. Also, my parents would never keep my gf from making decisions. She has been welcome in my family from the start. Other same-sex couples are not so lucky :/ and "advance directives" can be challenged in court by family members and are often won. It's really ******ed. Then there are adoption laws and since we are going to have children, that presents other issues. It is a real PITA and, for many couples, costs a lot of money to secure everthing. Luckily I am friends with the right people so my lawyer does all that stuff out of the kindness of her heart. If I could find an employer like where I work now, I would go to the East Coast in the heartbeat. We will probably end up there eventually because we have had our fill of the West Coast culture, which has been extremely disappointing and quite frustrating at times. The other day I saw a caption on CNN that said "United States vs. Arizona". I LOL'd. Like, the ENTIRE US against Arizona hahaha This place is batty but I grew up here and it sucks to be the subject of ridicule even though Arizona does nothing for my rights. I will leave this place one day (hopefully) and I probably won't look back. I am not that much of a "liberal" politically but I at least want to live around people that don't treat me like I am a piece of ****.
Click to expand...

For what its worth, look up Northampton, Massachusetts. Claim to fame is that is the most LGTB friendly town in the whole US of A. I went to school in Amherst, an adjacent town, and I can attest to it ( I like me some fine woman tho)

Rachel Maddow lives there as well.
 
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