"Doctor's Wife" label - Offensive or Makin' Momma Proud?

[Plato'sWife]

I am engaged to a 3rd year and while making wedding plans, I continue to receive a plethora of comments about my upcoming role as "The Doctor's Wife". I am interested to know what others' thoughts are on this term. Is it offensive? Is it an aspiration by some? Is it a way of referencing a bygone era when domesticity governed women? What is it?

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[doctawife]

Um, a load of crap? I don't think there is anything special about being a doctor's wife anymore. Anyone who makes enough to allow the mamma (or the pappa, let's be fair) to stay at home with the progeny deserves mad props.

Besides, MD's don't really get any extra respect anymore. Or any extra money, either (at least not compared to MBA's, etc.) (And the previous statement in no way applies to certain subspecialties like plastics or derm.)

 

[SaraL124]

I think the way those people are using the term "Doctor's Wife" is twofold: 1) yes, you are "making momma proud." Those people who say that to you are I'm guessing your mother's or mother-in-law's friends, and back when they were our age, they probably aspired to be a doctor's wife. It afforded a level of comfort, security and prestige that may have been a real stepping stone for social mobility for some women. Nowadays, women can aspire to BE the doctor, not just marry one, so in my twofold analysis, I think this is also 2) offensive. Although given the generation gap, you may want to smile and keep that thought to yourself. Now, if people your own age are saying this to you, I would feel free to let them know what's up...

 

[bananaface]

Um, a load of crap? I don't think there is anything special about being a doctor's wife anymore. Anyone who makes enough to allow the mamma (or the pappa, let's be fair) to stay at home with the progeny deserves mad props.

Besides, MD's don't really get any extra respect anymore. Or any extra money, either (at least not compared to MBA's, etc.) (And the previous statement in no way applies to certain subspecialties like plastics or derm.)

If used as a term implying that someone is "kept", I find that "doctor's wife" has a very disempowering connotation for the woman in a relationship. It is a way of verbally subjugating her identity to that of her husband. The same is true of "preacher's wife", "politician's wife", etc. If my current b/f and I get married, I don't expect him to say "Oh, I'm a pharmacist's husband" when someone asks him what he does. That would just be silly, even if he is the one who gets to stay at home with kids, which he probably would be. He would love to be able to make a career of his writing, and if I can support us while he takes a shot at what he loves to do, it doesn't bother me a damn bit, or make him any less of a partner in the relationship.

 

[alison_in_oh]

There has been a LOT of discussion over the years at medicalspouse.com about the "dawkter's wife" stereotype. In general a lot of spouses find it to be the most annoying while they are in residency, with a spouse who is working a LOT of hard hours to pull in a moderate salary, and with casual passersby assuming the spouse is livin' the high life and eating bon bons on the couch while the maid cleans and the chauffeur drives the kids.

I've been fortunate not to run across anyone with such expectations of my role. However, DH is not officially a dawkter yet either. In general I would hope that people who'd pigeonhole me in such a way are not worth getting close to; and people that I can relate to would not be so superficial. We'll see.

 

[Plato'sWife]

While most of the reactions I receive come from (yes) women of my mothers' generation, the responses are coming from everywhere! The only "group" of people not to comment, are the doctors themselves. What surprises me the most is how compelled strangers (ie. store clerks, coffee shop patrons, etc.) are to congratulate me... not on my engagement but on "landing a Doc". How did such a mass of people in a forward-thinking city come to care so much about this "Doctor's Wife" thing? Furthermore, I am surprised that it even still remains "a thing". But it does. And, I am not speaking about "Doctor's husband" / "stay-at-home-dad" issues. These are, while similar, entirely separate issues with their own connotations, challenges, and the like.

But, regarding this term "Doctor's Wife", I have noticed not only the reactions I receive personally, but a continual use of it on television as well. Little one-liners in sitcoms. Part of a tragic headline on a nightly news drama. This term and the thoughts surrounding it are far more present than I previously suspected.

Loss of Identity? You betcha. In many ways, I have become invisible. (Except, thankfully, to my fiance). To be clear, I am not complaining about this. Other people's views are not going to alter my self-worth. I am just observing what's going on and flabbergasted by it frankly. But, conversations when out with friends (medical and non) always circle around to medicine if not revolve around it. And, I am finding other people (who didn't before) now view me with this new sense of accomplishment and achievement. I often feel the need to remind people that I am not the one who went to medical school. Which raises another question...

Where is our societal view of success based? Why in such an open-minded time do we generally give respect (or sometimes reverence) to someone just b/c they have an extended degree and not b/c of who they are as a person?

 

[Do.the.DO]

While most of the reactions I receive come from (yes) women of my mothers' generation, the responses are coming from everywhere! The only "group" of people not to comment, are the doctors themselves. What surprises me the most is how compelled strangers (ie. store clerks, coffee shop patrons, etc.) are to congratulate me... not on my engagement but on "landing a Doc". How did such a mass of people in a forward-thinking city come to care so much about this "Doctor's Wife" thing? Furthermore, I am surprised that it even still remains "a thing"...

...And, I am finding other people (who didn't before) now view me with this new sense of accomplishment and achievement. I often feel the need to remind people that I am not the one who went to medical school. Which raises another question...

Where is our societal view of success based? Why in such an open-minded time do we generally give respect (or sometimes reverence) to someone just b/c they have an extended degree and not b/c of who they are as a person?

Yeah, I've kind of experienced this, too. People suddenly act differently when they find out my husband is a med student. (And he's only a student, ferchrissakes!)

I don't get it, either. I kind of just chalk it up to ignorance. People have this fantasy that all docs are wealthy and live a great life. They have no clue what it really means to have a physician for a spouse. They're ignorant of basic things like having to work long hours just to pay for med school applications and airfare for interviews. How you take care of the kids by yourself most of the time, how you're alone a LOT because your spouse is studying for finals/boards/weekly exams/whatever. These people don't see the days on end of very little sleep because you're not able to sleep until your spouse is home. They only heard of docs being well-to-do and have NO idea how poor you are during med school. They've never had a spouse rub their shoulders, only to realize that they're not rubbing to be sweet, but to study for their anatomy test coming up in a couple of days or to locate a new muscle they've just disected from their anatomy lab cadavers.

It's irritating when people you barely know get all starry-eyed over you being a "Doctor's Wife", but it's pure ignorance. I don't usually become irritated by it unless their comments are snide. And that rarely hapens. Most close friends or family members are well aware what we've gone through to get him where he is and don't comment, at all.

Just wait until you meet up with some of the other doc's wives. Some of 'em are pretty impressed by it and wear the title like a freakin' badge of honor. They're pretty funny, so long as you can keep your sense of humor around them.

 

[mshheaddoc]

I find it the same thing. When I got engaged ... "OOOOHHHH you're marrying a doctor?" Seriously ... what is the deal? I have more degrees than he does and yes I don't have to apply to medical school and could be a stay at home mom, but I take offense to it. Being a doctor isn't easy and doesn't mean you are in the money anyone.

You are right though, some wear it like a badge on their sleeve. Then again, what about if the woman is the doctor?

 

[toofache32]

....Then again, what about if the woman is the doctor?

These days, they can have wives too.

 

[marcus_aurelius]

Um, a load of crap? I don't think there is anything special about being a doctor's wife anymore. Anyone who makes enough to allow the mamma (or the pappa, let's be fair) to stay at home with the progeny deserves mad props.

Besides, MD's don't really get any extra respect anymore. Or any extra money, either (at least not compared to MBA's, etc.) (And the previous statement in no way applies to certain subspecialties like plastics or derm.)

i always find it funny when my classmates b**** about being able to make more money as an MBA. Getting the kind of money you get in medicine (probably around 200-300k) as an MBA is a LOT more difficult....most med students would not have the the ability to make these salaries. In medicine, you get the right residency, u have a stable income that is huge...in business, you dont perform, u are fired....and to get to the level of making 200k+....well, u have to be damn good, both politically and in whatever field you are in....nobody in business gets a paycheck handed to them for doing nothing....it is a cut-throat environment.

Medicine is still one of the best professions out there when it comes down to earnings....this is why people respect docs so much, bc they think we all drive a bmw (dont get me wrong, a lot of us will) to our mansion (dont get me wrong, a lot of us will probably live in a 4k square ft home...that isnt middle class living you know).

 

[mshheaddoc]

i always find it funny when my classmates b**** about being able to make more money as an MBA. Getting the kind of money you get in medicine (probably around 200-300k) as an MBA is a LOT more difficult....most med students would not have the the ability to make these salaries. In medicine, you get the right residency, u have a stable income that is huge...in business, you dont perform, u are fired....and to get to the level of making 200k+....well, u have to be damn good, both politically and in whatever field you are in....nobody in business gets a paycheck handed to them for doing nothing....it is a cut-throat environment.

Medicine is still one of the best professions out there when it comes down to earnings....this is why people respect docs so much, bc they think we all drive a bmw (dont get me wrong, a lot of us will) to our mansion (dont get me wrong, a lot of us will probably live in a 4k square ft home...that isnt middle class living you know).

Usually those with business experience don't make it from salaries alone, they also make it from partnerships/investment returns in various markets. That is where they make their killing. Oh and since most MBA's are in management the salary (depending on field) can range as well. With that said, business in general can range. I know many successful business persons that do not have anything but a BS in Business Background (usually finance). Also, it depends on what market you're in too. A salary of $200K in NYC really is chump change if you are in one of the big firms.

I'm not an MBA graduate ... really Ok, maybe I am ...

 

[thirdunity]

I don't get it.

What's the big effing deal about "landing a doc"?

I'm coming from a working- to lower-middle-class background, and the whole "landing a doc" thing is new to me.

Is landing a doctor somehow harder than landing a city planner (just to throw that out there as an example of an upper middle class profession) or engineer, so that landing a doctor is somehow a badge of female status? Are doctors somehow construed as more "desirable"?

I somehow missed the boat on this one, because I just DON'T get it. Call me naive.

Personally, I'm always scoping out the hot Paramedics in those cargo pants, not the docs, who mostly just seem like any other flabby middle aged guys to me.

Can a medic and a female doc work out?

 

[alison_in_oh]

What's the big effing deal about "landing a doc"?

That, I believe, is the basis of this thread. What, exactly, IS the big effing deal? *Is* it a big deal -- and to whom? Why?

 

[APACHE3]

What would YOU rather be? Becoming a doc in the US is one of the most competitive career choices. Yes, lawyers and MBA's can make more $$, but these guys are a dime a dozen. There is not anything special about their accomplishment... getting the MD..now that takes some smarts and a little luck. yes, the doc wife title is from an era gone by, when only men went to medical school, but dont be so offended. Society for some reason treats us different, I haven't even started residency yet, all I have is a contract, but I already bought a house and a new car, just because I'm a doctor! Do you think the shoe salesman or insurance salesman will get that special treatment when he applies for these things...NO! I did not make the rules, I worked hard to get here and I will be the best doctor I can be (and enjoy those little perks that seem to come with the job.) My wife the PHd will enjoy the ride too!! I dont agree with some of the above post that MD has lost its luster. In some places of the country it still has great prestige. Ok, if anybody needs me I'll be at the driving range at the CC my program has a membership at! see ya!

 

[SaraL124]

I don't know where the OP is coming from in terms of financial status or geographic location, but personally, more people have lamented the fact that my husband is a medical student than congratulated me on my "catch." The people I know generally know that medicine isn't as glamorous as it may seem. I think if you think of yourself as a "doctor's wife" whatever that means, people will see you that way too. If you however, think of yourself as your own individual I think people will perceive you that way too.

Here's my question...how do store clerks know your husband is a doctor? If you go around telling everyone, they may expect that you WANT that title (doctor's wife) for yourself.

Sorry if I'm coming off harsh, but it seems to me that so may of the women on this board really subvert themselves for their husband's medical careers.

 

[21JumpStreet]

What would YOU rather be? Becoming a doc in the US is one of the most competitive career choices. Yes, lawyers and MBA's can make more $$, but these guys are a dime a dozen. There is not anything special about their accomplishment... getting the MD..now that takes some smarts and a little luck. yes, the doc wife title is from an era gone by, when only men went to medical school, but dont be so offended. Society for some reason treats us different, I haven't even started residency yet, all I have is a contract, but I already bought a house and a new car, just because I'm a doctor! Do you think the shoe salesman or insurance salesman will get that special treatment when he applies for these things...NO! I did not make the rules, I worked hard to get here and I will be the best doctor I can be (and enjoy those little perks that seem to come with the job.) My wife the PHd will enjoy the ride too!! I dont agree with some of the above post that MD has lost its luster. In some places of the country it still has great prestige. Ok, if anybody needs me I'll be at the driving range at the CC my program has a membership at! see ya!

Your wife deserves to enjoy the ride. Speaking from experience she worked hard too. I have a Phd and can say that it was harder than my MD program.

 

[APACHE3]

Your wife deserves to enjoy the ride. Speaking from experience she worked hard too. I have a Phd and can say that it was harder than my MD program.

You are absolutely right. My wife has the hardest job. She completed her Phd with a 2 y/o and pregnant with our second child. She has chosen not to return to work because she wants to stay home with the kids. I do not envy her. I could not do it. I really admire her. And if it was not for her support, I would not have made it. period. So, I was having a little fun with my other post, but you are right that if a wife sets herself apart with her own talents, she will never be just "the doctors wife". see ya

 

[Plato'sWife]

I don't know where the OP is coming from in terms of financial status or geographic location, but personally, more people have lamented the fact that my husband is a medical student than congratulated me on my "catch." The people I know generally know that medicine isn't as glamorous as it may seem. I think if you think of yourself as a "doctor's wife" whatever that means, people will see you that way too. If you however, think of yourself as your own individual I think people will perceive you that way too.

Here's my question...how do store clerks know your husband is a doctor? If you go around telling everyone, they may expect that you WANT that title (doctor's wife) for yourself.

Sorry if I'm coming off harsh, but it seems to me that so may of the women on this board really subvert themselves for their husband's medical careers.

To clarify and answer your question...

I don't "go around telling people that he is a doctor". But it does come up in conversation.

The reason it comes up with "store clerks" (which was just a random example), is because he is my fiance. As such, I have been frequenting a lot of wedding shops. And, they always ask how we met. If I respond elusively and just say "A mutual friend introduced us", they continue on with further questions and it just comes up...."they go to school together"..."what school"...etc. I don't wear his profession as a badge or anything (although I know women who do). That said, I don't think I have to try and lie about what he does just to try and circumvent any "Doctor's Wife" comments. I am just surprised at how many people have opinions and responses about him being in med school and am curious about others' experiences with the same sort of thing.

I don't know if you have experienced this, but it seems that we as a society are fixated on this question of "What do you do?" A friend of mine spent some time abroad with his job and he said the thing he enjoyed the most was that one of the first questions out of someone's mouth isn't "So, what do you do?" He enjoyed dating so much more there because he said the women actually wanted to get to know "him" through the questions they asked, etc. and they weren't constantly asking him about his work.

About a year ago, I moved to the city where my fiance attends school. When I would meet someone, one of the first questions asked was "Why did you move here?" Now, there definitely were other incentives for me regarding my own pursuits / career. But, the real reason was that he was in school here. Then, of course, they would ask "What's he going to school to become?" It is just something that naturally arises during the initial stages of conversation with people.

Regarding the question pertaining to financial status, geographic location...

First, I am interested in what your thoughts were about how these would in general contribute to the comments that are made. But, some information to provide you with...

I moved from the south to the north and have a wide range of friends / acquaintances in ALL financial and educational and geographical brackets. And these "doctor comments" arise in every single one of those groups. Except, for family friends and acquaintances who are doctors themselves or have one in the family.

Hope all of that information helps answer your questions.

 

[Plato'sWife]

Your wife deserves to enjoy the ride. Speaking from experience she worked hard too. I have a Phd and can say that it was harder than my MD program.

You are absolutely right. My wife has the hardest job. She completed her Phd with a 2 y/o and pregnant with our second child. She has chosen not to return to work because she wants to stay home with the kids. I do not envy her. I could not do it. I really admire her. And if it was not for her support, I would not have made it. period. So, I was having a little fun with my other post, but you are right that if a wife sets herself apart with her own talents, she will never be just "the doctors wife". see ya

I just wanted to applaud the credit you give your wife! One of the best things you can give your her (and your children) is the appreciation and respect of all that she does! Kudos!

 

[toofache32]

I don't know if you have experienced this, but it seems that we as a society are fixated on this question of "What do you do?"

I've thought this exact same thing before. To me it seems like a rude question now that I think about it.

 

[Plato'sWife]

I've thought this exact same thing before. To me it seems like a rude question now that I think about it.

I know. But, can you imagine the first ten minutes of conversation with someone without it coming up?! Think of meeting someone for the first time. I suppose that all plays into why I posted about the "Doctor's Wife" title/comments. I am completely intrigued about the differences in people's responses regarding them finding out my fiance is going to be a doctor as opposed to when the conversation turns toward what I do as an artist. It is night and day. There is this initial judgement based on "what do you do?" that prevents us from really learning the important things about someone and consequently extinguishes potentially valuable friendships from ever blooming.

 

[toofache32]

I know. But, can you imagine the first ten minutes of conversation with someone without it coming up?! Think of meeting someone for the first time. I suppose that all plays into why I posted about the "Doctor's Wife" title/comments. I am completely intrigued about the differences in people's responses regarding them finding out my fiance is going to be a doctor as opposed to when the conversation turns toward what I do as an artist. It is night and day. There is this initial judgement based on "what do you do?" that prevents us from really learning the important things about someone and consequently extinguishes potentially valuable friendships from ever blooming.

Exactly.

 

[tlew12778]

Yeah, you know, I hate those "landing a dr." comments. I feel like these people have their mentalities stuck back in the 80s and earlier when being a dr was synonymous with earning loads.

But that aside, when I refer to "drs' wives" I now consider it a league of our own. I mean, we deal with issues that most other professions do not have to deal with I think. I am speaking more about the emotional drama of being a medical spouse like dealing with the free-time issue, the DOL in the home issue, the moving for residency, etc. Then there is, of course, the whole "dr wife" stereotype issue as well.

 

[Smilemaker100]

I am engaged to a 3rd year and while making wedding plans, I continue to receive a plethora of comments about my upcoming role as "The Doctor's Wife". I am interested to know what others' thoughts are on this term. Is it offensive? Is it an aspiration by some? Is it a way of referencing a bygone era when domesticity governed women? What is it?

Ever since I have earned my D.M.D, I have had a number of men who weren't in the health field who have been on my trail.

Recently, there was a chemist , who was a nice fellow but he was on the rebound after his girlfriend dropped him so we didn't date long. He also seemed to treat me differently (more interested in me) when he found out I was a dentist.

This accountant who occasionally comes to the clinic I work at seemed more interested in me once he found out I was a dentist and suggested we go for a coffee date after work on Saturday. At first he thought I was a dental assistant or hygienist and it didn't occur to him that I was a dentist right away. In any case, I wasn't interested in him.

Today, a fellow I met randomly at a bookstore conversed with me for a good hour at the bookstore café . He asked what I did for a living and when I replied "I'm a dentist", he asked, "as in dental hygienist?" I said, "no, a dentist." I kind of hate when that happens. I didn't ask what his line of work was until he started asking me about my work. It turns out that he studied commerce and is involved with the family business.

This business fellow is kind of cute and was very forward with me . He told me I looked really great despite my not wearing make up . So I may go out for supper with him this week.

Maybe I should start saying I am a dental hygienist, to see if that changes the way some men perceive me...I will get a kick with that "experiment". I remember one time, when I told someone who volunteered at this senior's home with me that I was a secretary and I had fun playing that role. On another occasion, when I bought this coffee for a homeless person, I played the role of lab technician. And yet another occasion, I pretended to be a graphic arts designer. I can fool some people

It's not only men, but women who treat me differently (unfortunately, for the worse ) too since I graduated from dental school...and I hate that!

Most of my friends aren't even in my field. None of the boyfriends I have had were in the same field of study as me and I really highly doubt I will ever end up marrying another dentist. I like socializing with people from all walks of life. Variety is the spice of life !

Oh and about my momma and papa... the most important thing for them is that I date/marry a man who loves me,cares for me and makes me happy, regardless of his profession/work.

 

[toofache32]

...He told me I looked really great despite my not wearing make up . So I may go out for supper with him this week.
...

Hmmmm.....I'll have to remember that one. Oh, wait...I'm married, so it doesn't matter anymore....

 

[Smilemaker100]

Hmmmm.....I'll have to remember that one. Oh, wait...I'm married, so it doesn't matter anymore....

Yes, this fellow was very smooth. When I told him my name, he said, "that 's a lovely name. Coincidentally, the other day I was listening to songs with your name (and he named a few song titles and the artists who sung them! )" and I replied,"yes, I guess there are so many songs with my name because girls with my name are heartbreakers." He also added, "I normally like straight hair but I find your curly hair especially attractive."

This man had a lot of balls! LOL! I love a man who is aggressive! He seemed kind of nervous at the beginning though- he sort of stuttered and he was blushing. I love a man who is forward yet nervous at the same time (ooooooooo blushing!) LOL!

 

[Plato'sWife]

On another occasion, when I bought this coffee for a homeless person, I played the role of lab technician.

Because it was necessary to lie to a homeless person? Sorry, unclear.

 

[SaraL124]

But that aside, when I refer to "drs' wives" I now consider it a league of our own. I mean, we deal with issues that most other professions do not have to deal with I think. I am speaking more about the emotional drama of being a medical spouse like dealing with the free-time issue, the DOL in the home issue, the moving for residency, etc. Then there is, of course, the whole "dr wife" stereotype issue as well.

Lots of careers involve little free time, and having to change locations for job transfers, etc. I think it's easy to think of doctor's spouses in this "league of their own" regard because there are usually a lot of them in one place. In reality, the emotional drama of being married to a doctor is no different than any other profession where 60-80 hours of work/week is required (e.g. investment banking, CEO of a company, jobs that require frequent travel, etc.).

 

[toofache32]

...In reality, the emotional drama of being married to a doctor is no different than any other profession where 60-80 hours of work/week is required (e.g. investment banking, CEO of a company, jobs that require frequent travel, etc.).

God I wish I only worked 60-80 hours a week.

 

[Smilemaker100]

Because it was necessary to lie to a homeless person? Sorry, unclear.

Sorry, I didn't make it that obvious. I think anyone would have to be stupid enough to tell a homeless person they were a doctor or dentist because of OBVIOUS reasons- ie. they would expect more money from you. I'm still paying up my student loans and am not in the position to feed and clothe every homeless person I come across.

Instead of giving money to panhandlers, sometimes, I invite them for lunch or a coffee. In this case, I was having a coffee when the vagrant was in the coffee shop asking for money. Most people refused to dispense some loose change and I feel a sense of guilt/responsibility whenever I see such individuals so I invited this person for a coffee. This woman spent a good half hour telling me about her current situation. She was an unemployed farmer who was married to an unemployed alcoholic and had recently moved to the city in search of a job. Unfortunately, she was unable to find any work and was dwelling in some homeless shelters. When she started asking me about my line of work ,I told her that I worked as a microbiology lab technician.

 

[Do.the.DO]

Personally, I'm always scoping out the hot Paramedics in those cargo pants, not the docs, who mostly just seem like any other flabby middle aged guys to me.

Mmmmm....paramedics....mmmmmm. Personally, I always had a thing for the firemen. Guess I'm just a sucker for a hero in uniform!

 

[Smilemaker100]

Mmmmm....paramedics....mmmmmm. Personally, I always had a thing for the firemen. Guess I'm just a sucker for a hero in uniform!

Nah... there is nothing more alluring or more romantic than the musician pouring his heart into his music, or the poet who writes love sonnets in your honor or the writer who immortalizes your name when you become his muse ! The artists know the art of loving most intimately ! A man who is in touch with his creative side, is in touch with the feminine psyche !

Art must be an expression of love or it is nothing." ~ Marc Chagall

I want to touch people with my art. I want them to say "he feels deeply, he feels tenderly."
Vincent Van Gogh

 

[Do.the.DO]

Nah... there is nothing more alluring or more romantic than the musician pouring his heart into his music, or the poet who writes love sonnets in your honor or the writer who immortalizes your name when you become his muse ! The artists know the art of loving most intimately ! A man who is in touch with his creative side, is in touch with the feminine psyche !

Maybe. But I'll still take the hot fireman.

 

[Smilemaker100]

Maybe. But I'll still take the hot fireman.

Yes, at first those toned bodies can attract you but how much substance does the guy have? The toned body won't keep you hooked for life! The most attractive men I have known/dated , by strange concidence, all had something in common- they bored me to tears!

The intellectual is such a major turn on...especially if he has artistic inclinations.

While men fall in love with attractive bodies, women fall in love with interesting psyches!

 

[Do.the.DO]

Yes, at first those toned bodies can attract you but how much substance does the guy have? The toned body won't keep you hooked for life! The most attractive men I have known/dated , by strange concidence, all had something in common- they bored me to tears!

The intellectual is such a major turn on...especially if he has artistic inclinations.

While men fall in love with attractive bodies, women fall in love with interesting psyches!

Eh, you're probably right. But I wasn't necessarily talking about falling in love. Pretty sure my vibe was WAY closer to lust.

But I see your point. My husband is an intelligent ,nice man with a sharp sense of humor. I fell in love with him when he actually understood what the hell I was talking about.

But as for the whole lust thing...still has to be the firemen.

 

[Smilemaker100]

Eh, you're probably right. But I wasn't necessarily talking about falling in love. Pretty sure my vibe was WAY closer to lust.

But I see your point. My husband is an intelligent ,nice man with a sharp sense of humor. I fell in love with him when he actually understood what the hell I was talking about.

But as for the whole lust thing...still has to be the firemen.

Well, if you put it that way, I would have to agree! LOL! Firemen,cops and some football players definitely are hot ! I once went on a date with this rugby player I met at a party when I was about 20 years old. When I was younger, like most women, I was more impressed with good looking guys.

This rugby player was absolutely gorgeous physically but after a few minutes of talking to him , I kept thinking to myself, "How can I politely leave early without offending him? LOL!" I'd rather have a date with Cyrano de Bergerac than go on another date with a guy like that ! LOL !

 

[tlew12778]

Lots of careers involve little free time, and having to change locations for job transfers, etc. I think it's easy to think of doctor's spouses in this "league of their own" regard because there are usually a lot of them in one place. In reality, the emotional drama of being married to a doctor is no different than any other profession where 60-80 hours of work/week is required (e.g. investment banking, CEO of a company, jobs that require frequent travel, etc.).

Eh. 1) Like a PP said... I wish it was 60-80 and 2) I still think there are aspects that are specific to the MD world. For instance - the match. It's almost a given that if you married or engaged before the match, you will be moving along with your SO (unless they are lucky enough to match close-by). That, for someone on a dedicated career-path, can be difficult. Yes, those other professions deal with moves as well, but there is usually more choice involved in the matter. Also, this is getting nit-picky, but at least those other jobs are well-remunerated, being a resident is not.

 

[Love to Learn]

Even though residency is admittedly a financial hardship the paycheck and prestige that come after it's over make it much easier to bear. I guess what I am trying to say is that most people in dire financial straits don't have the security of knowing that it's only a temporary thing. As soon as residency is over contracts are signed and "The Dawkter's Wife" life begins.

 

[teninepit]

I am engaged to a 3rd year and while making wedding plans, I continue to receive a plethora of comments about my upcoming role as "The Doctor's Wife". I am interested to know what others' thoughts are on this term. Is it offensive? Is it an aspiration by some? Is it a way of referencing a bygone era when domesticity governed women? What is it?

I am coming from a diff angle. I too am married to a doctor very soon to be. SHE graduates in May. I stay at home and take care of the house and our daughter. I do most of the chores, cleaning, and have had several people question my decision like I should be offended that my wife will more money than I. Hmmm lets see, I take my daughter to school, and pick her up, take her to after school activities, do house chores, watch sports, play golf at least once a week. And this is bad HOW??

Back to the original question, I in no way think that being married to a doctor is in any way an offensive term. You make the choice to be offended by someone else's ignorance. Our spouses have worked EXTREMELY hard to get that title and we should be very proud of them. Further, to stay at home, and make sure the children are raised in a proper manner and the house is clean is by no means a small task. Just ask anyone who does it everyday.

Just my .02

 

[Love to Learn]

Of course doctors work very hard to get where there at and yes pride is very justly earned. I am referring to those doctor spouses who do wear the I'm a doctor's wife title on their sleeve. Every time one of them says "when we were residents" or "when we were in medical school" everyone around just rolls their eyes. You were not a resident...You were not in medical school...your spouse was. Yes, you were intregal in supporting your spouse emotionally and perhaps financially but you were not in medical school or a resident yourself. Being a stay at home parent is an admirable vocation no matter what your spouse's profession is. I am not saying all medical spouses are this way. I do knew a few that are "normal" but I married into a medical family and I truly thought these doctor's wife stereotypes were just that stereotypes. I'm here to tell you that at least here it is for the most part a realistic portrait. Very Sad. I guess what I want to say is don't fall into it. Stay down to earth and know that you're not better then anyone else just because you're married to a doctor.

 

[Do.the.DO]

Every time one of them says "when we were residents" or "when we were in medical school" everyone around just rolls their eyes. You were not a resident...You were not in medical school...your spouse was.

I don't think I've ever heard another spouse say anything like that. Holy crap! I'd have a field day with that one! A lot of the wives, (sorry, the husband's don't seem to do this), are a bit snotty/snobbish about their husband being a doc. A lot, but not all. Us "normal" ones are definitely outnumbered!

Honestly, who freakin' cares? If someone gets that lathered-up over what their spouse does for a living, they REALLY need to get a life. Worry about something important like helping the homeless or feeding the hungry, not what you think someone else should think about your life.

 

[f_w]

Hmmm lets see, I take my daughter to school, and pick her up, take her to after school activities, do house chores, watch sports, play golf at least once a week. And this is bad HOW??

 

[Squad51]

Of course doctors work very hard to get where there at and yes pride is very justly earned. I am referring to those doctor spouses who do wear the I'm a doctor's wife title on their sleeve. Every time one of them says "when we were residents" or "when we were in medical school" everyone around just rolls their eyes. You were not a resident...You were not in medical school...your spouse was. Yes, you were intregal in supporting your spouse emotionally and perhaps financially but you were not in medical school or a resident yourself. Being a stay at home parent is an admirable vocation no matter what your spouse's profession is. I am not saying all medical spouses are this way. I do knew a few that are "normal" but I married into a medical family and I truly thought these doctor's wife stereotypes were just that stereotypes. I'm here to tell you that at least here it is for the most part a realistic portrait. Very Sad. I guess what I want to say is don't fall into it. Stay down to earth and know that you're not better then anyone else just because you're married to a doctor.

You know, I'd tend to disagree with you here. But I should preface myself a bit. I was a firefighter/paramedic in an urban area prior to medical school. I was also married (still am ). Now, there is NO QUESTION that the hardest job in the world is being the spouse of a firefighter or police officer. As a career firefighter at work, I was in a busy house, running 15+ fire and EMS calls a day. At home as a volunteer, no family dinner, party or even horizontal tango was safe from interruption by the pager tones. And my wife KNEW that if circumstances arose such that it was my choice between my life or that of a member of my team's - I'm wasn't coming home. She KNEW that not only wouldn't I think twice in such a situation, but that those who "gave all" were revered in the culture of fire / police station. And yes, one night she got a call from the chaplain because I was severely injured.

Now, I bring this up not because I like to pat myself on the back or because my scars are aching this morning, but because I consider my wife somewhat of an expert on the difficulties of marriage. When she tells me that being married to me during my medical and graduate school has been more difficult, I trust her. As she puts it - "everything you do effects me, but I have no control over it at all". If I fail the USMLE, we will not get the residency we want. If I piss off my residents, I get a bad eval, same result. And while my physical safety is no longer compromised, my sanity is often challenged. The hours are just as long, but a great deal less predictable, and so much more is left to chance. As a firefighter, she knew my entire team. Each of us was invested in the other. Here, each is cut throat, trying to get themselves ahead...

 

[Do.the.DO]

As a firefighter, she knew my entire team. Each of us was invested in the other. Here, each is cut throat, trying to get themselves ahead...

Holy crap. Your wife deserves a medal of some type! You're an awfully lucky guy! (My grandfather was a fire chief for a small town for almost 30 years. That's an awful lot of interrupted sleep and missed family functions!)

I'm sorry that your classmates are so cut throat. I hope it's just your school. My husband is lucky enough that he has a lot of great classmates and is very close with the people he studies with. They're some seriously nice people that we actually go out of our way to associate with.

I hope you find better people as your education progresses!

 

[SaraL124]

I am noticing a trend here- The women (sorry they are the majority) who consider themselves the "doctor's wife" and really identify as that role and use the "we" term when referring back to the med school days, etc. are identifying that way because it is their only role (maybe other than "mother")and they are trying to classify themselves in relation to their husband. What about the doctor's spouses who have their own identity through their own career? I find it hard to believe that those women (like me) would consider themselves in relation to their husband's profession. I mean honestly. I don't get any special treatment for being married to a med student, nor would I expect it. My mother never got any special treatment, nor thought herself any better than anyone else for being married to a doctor. She had her own life and her identity, same as I do.

 

[SaraL124]

Eh. 1) Like a PP said... I wish it was 60-80 and 2) I still think there are aspects that are specific to the MD world. For instance - the match. It's almost a given that if you married or engaged before the match, you will be moving along with your SO (unless they are lucky enough to match close-by). That, for someone on a dedicated career-path, can be difficult. Yes, those other professions deal with moves as well, but there is usually more choice involved in the matter. Also, this is getting nit-picky, but at least those other jobs are well-remunerated, being a resident is not.

There are many low-level, low-paying jobs out there that require transfers (or you're out of a job) and the spouse just has to deal with it. In the match, at least the spouse can have a say in where the doctor narrows down his or her choices. I just feel like this thread is sort of dedicated to showing how doctors are so different and special. It's just a job.

 

[christi5784]

Dol?

 

[Squad51]

I am noticing a trend here- The women (sorry they are the majority) who consider themselves the "doctor's wife" and really identify as that role and use the "we" term when referring back to the med school days, etc. are identifying that way because it is their only role (maybe other than "mother")and they are trying to classify themselves in relation to their husband. What about the doctor's spouses who have their own identity through their own career? I find it hard to believe that those women (like me) would consider themselves in relation to their husband's profession. I mean honestly. I don't get any special treatment for being married to a med student, nor would I expect it. My mother never got any special treatment, nor thought herself any better than anyone else for being married to a doctor. She had her own life and her identity, same as I do.

Actually my wife is an administrator at the hospital I am training at (she moved here with me). She has her MBA and MPH and is wildly successful at what she does (JCAHO compliance officer and QI/QA director). She is on a first name basis with all of my attendings. But she still sees it as "we" are going through medical school and far be it from me to tell her otherwise... (see full post above)

 

[novacek88]

I think some of the women here are being less than earnest. Women do view physicians differently. I have been on both sides of the issue. I worked in finance prior to starting medical school and although I earned a lot of money (6 figures), I was never hit on like I am now, and I'm just a lowly resident. I was in much better shape then too. I get hit on by nurses and PA's all the time. If I'm a social function and I'm talking to a woman, her eyes suddenly light up when she learns I'm a physician. I think it's superficial and it doesn't impress me at all. There are a lot of women that want to be the doctor's wife; people are just better about hiding it now or are not upfront about it the way they were in the past because it's not PC to be a golddigger.

Likewise, I dare the women who supposedly have it so hard being the housewife to take these exams particularly the boards and work on the floors, etc. Sorry but I don't think raising children and keeping a house clean is anywhere close to being as hard as taking exams and working on the wards; the pressure and nervousness alone makes this very difficult. I wouldn't mind staying at home and watching ESPN, playing video games and changing little Johnnie's diaper and teaching him how to read. Doesn't sound so bad to me. The doctors' spouse has it pretty darn good in my opinion. I think men are programmed to say: "Wow, you stayed home and raised the kids, your job is so much harder than my 100 hour weeks as a neurosurgeon. How did you do it. You're job is so much harder than mine." Seriously, if you were a neurosurgeon that said that, you would be invited to be a guest on Oprah and the View.

And what bothers me more than anything else is when these wives feel like they went to medical school and accomplished something. I hear doctors wives put down people in other jobs as if they went to medical school too. Most of these women are just golddiggers. Now, I'm not talking about the PhD's, MBA's and other women who had jobs that financially supported their husbands. Those women are heros as far as I'm concerned. I'm talking about the golddiggers who worked so "hard' supporting their husbands by staying at home. Or you gotta love the nurses who quit their jobs upon marrying their physician husbands; those women are golddiggers too.

 

[novacek88]

Usually those with business experience don't make it from salaries alone, they also make it from partnerships/investment returns in various markets. That is where they make their killing. Oh and since most MBA's are in management the salary (depending on field) can range as well. With that said, business in general can range. I know many successful business persons that do not have anything but a BS in Business Background (usually finance). Also, it depends on what market you're in too. A salary of $200K in NYC really is chump change if you are in one of the big firms.

I'm not an MBA graduate ... really Ok, maybe I am ...

Yeah but making money from partnerships/investment returns means you have to have capital to even play the game and most people out of college don't have hundreds of thousands of dollars to play with. It's also a myth that people can just have their bachelors and just wind up in these 6 figure jobs on Wall Street aka Investment Banking. Do you realize how hard it is to get hired by an Investment Bank out of college. IB's only actively recruit from about 30 schools which include mostly Ivy League schools and some other well known private and public schools like Stanford and Michigan. And then you have to have a high GPA (3.7 +) in finance, economics, mathematics, statistics, engineering or some other numbers oriented field. They rarely hire liberal arts people for these positions. And then if these guys don't get fired after 2 years, they will then get their MBA and work for their previous firms and make 150K-200K starting. But then again, that's assuming their firm is forced to laying off people like they have been doing the past 3 years. Then these former Investment Bankers and MBA grads either go to law school, medical school or move to another city and try again with another firm.

So yes, when a medical student says they could have made all this money all Wall Street, they are full of sh%$@