Dating in Med School for AAs

[UVABranch]

Degrees and money aside. I think intellectual compatibility is a MUST. If a man can't stimulate my thoughts, can't challenge me with deep conversation, essentially can't make love to my mind... then he's not the man for me. There would be a void, things I'd want to share and express, but not be able to because he is not 'there'.

My parents were relaying a story of going out to dinner with another couple. The other husband was not matched with the wife intellectually. As a result he sat there and didn't say much as my parents and his wife talked. He couldn't have been comfortable in that situation.

anyways, those are my thoughts

Lys

I don't think "a lot" of degrees are necessary...but how about one. A HS diploma even. I agree w/Lys to an extent, however I won't say that I'm only going to be intellectually compatible with people who have compatible degrees (not saying that's what you said/meant). Enough people in my family don’t have degrees that I don't believe it's an absolute necessity, however I do think the experiences important. In that having gone though college and for some accruing/pursuing other degrees allows people to relate to a common fundamental experience. Each college/univ is different so thee will be some variety, but waking up going to classes, eating in the dining hall etc are ways to relate.

While my friends are technically highly educated...it doesn't mean we don't talk about other things, actually most of our talks are about things common to most people, love, life, work. The Wire is a common thing we talk about (because it's getting really good!), and I'm sure anyone w/ cable or a dvd player can talk and relate to that.

While I appreciate the advice on how not to bring baggage into a relationship, its frustrating that our history is called baggage. Would you tell another black person to forget about slavery? Or a grandparent who picked cotton to say get over it, that was in the past? (I know it's a hyperbole, but I know you understand me). If we don't acknowledge what we did or what was done in the past, I think we are doomed to repeat it. It seems like just by discussing it many men interpret that as baggage. But if your last GF cheated on you, there might be some baggage too. You might have "learned" to be less trusting initially, or establishing mutual trust/reciprocity before giving all of yours. I'm not saying those are good or bad "lessons" but none the less if you didn't learn from your past and what you've experienced we would all be 2 year olds with drivers license. I'm not saying men will "discuss" it all the time, but it still constitutes baggage (which is just has such a negative connotation). I honestly don't know how anyone can expect someone (man or woman) to go through life and not encounter experiences that change them. Shoot, applying to med school is life altering, for me at least.

I came from a 2 parent family that is supportive of me and my relationships. My father may have "warned" me about men growing up but I'm sure being his youngest daughter had a lot to do with it. My mom taught/told my sister and I to get our education and personal goals (family, children).

To be honest I don't know if I can handle all of my and someone else’s...but I'll sure try, and I expect him to do the same. Not saying it's easy, marriage sure isn't, I'm finding that very few things are, but that's ok if they are worth it. I am who I am, baggage and all. "If you can find someone who loves the you, you love, well that's just fabulous."

As to men of other races/cultures, I'm open to it, but I haven't really gone that route yet. There's just nothing like a Black man...but my heart doesn't see race, so in that respect if you can get past the initial "screening" process...I'm an EOE

---

Members don't see this ad.

 

[akhilles604]

I suppose, whatever floats your boat. I do understand what you are saying in a sense. Does one "stimulating" your mind have to be educated and professional? There are tons of brothers out here who have not gone the educated route, but could have multitudes to teach you, and you teach him as well.
Think about poets or other artsy type brothers who are nobodys professional, and may have a job that makes ends meet for him. Surely he could stimulate you mentally, but back to my original thought, he is maybe not; presentable?
I am not at all endorsing or advocating that my sisters LOWER their standards, but merely adjust them to evolve with the times. 1/5th of borthers=GAY, 1/5th in jail, 1/5th were loved by their mothers and not raised (a marked difference), 1/5th=TAKEN, So 1/5th of brothers available for all these phenomenal women out here doing the damn thing. Those include trash men, artists, physicians, lawyers, etc. I still advocate cleaning out one's closet so they can meet a man regardless of his socic economic status and connect. We all want love and to be loved, but in the theoretical pyramid of love, the base or foundation for love is SELF LOVE !!!!!!!! The all natural opiate, and not narcissm, but self love, understanding and embracing one's virtues, flaws, what is best and worst about them. Most people try an dbuild loving relationships without this prereq, and like any weak foundation, the infrastructure and building will crumble and collapse.

 

[akhilles604]

I don't think "a lot" of degrees are necessary...but how about one. A HS diploma even. I agree w/Lys to an extent, however I won't say that I'm only going to be intellectually compatible with people who have compatible degrees (not saying that's what you said/meant). Enough people in my family don’t have degrees that I don't believe it's an absolute necessity, however I do think the experiences important. In that having gone though college and for some accruing/pursuing other degrees allows people to relate to a common fundamental experience. Each college/univ is different so thee will be some variety, but waking up going to classes, eating in the dining hall etc are ways to relate.

While my friends are technically highly educated...it doesn't mean we don't talk about other things, actually most of our talks are about things common to most people, love, life, work. The Wire is a common thing we talk about (because it's getting really good!), and I'm sure anyone w/ cable or a dvd player can talk and relate to that.

While I appreciate the advice on how not to bring baggage into a relationship, its frustrating that our history is called baggage. Would you tell another black person to forget about slavery? Or a grandparent who picked cotton to say get over it, that was in the past? (I know it's a hyperbole, but I know you understand me). If we don't acknowledge what we did or what was done in the past, I think we are doomed to repeat it. It seems like just by discussing it many men interpret that as baggage. But if your last GF cheated on you, there might be some baggage too. You might have "learned" to be less trusting initially, or establishing mutual trust/reciprocity before giving all of yours. I'm not saying those are good or bad "lessons" but none the less if you didn't learn from your past and what you've experienced we would all be 2 year olds with drivers license. I'm not saying men will "discuss" it all the time, but it still constitutes baggage (which is just has such a negative connotation). I honestly don't know how anyone can expect someone (man or woman) to go through life and not encounter experiences that change them. Shoot, applying to med school is life altering, for me at least.


As to men of other races/cultures, I'm open to it, but I haven't really gone that route yet. There's just nothing like a Black man...but my heart doesn't see race, so in that respect if you can get past the initial "screening" process...I'm an EOE

OK please allow me to address one thing at a time. I am not trying to change your mind, just merely offering another perspective.
In yor first paragraph you speak of this idea of relating to someone. Have we become so shallow in our culture that we feel we can only relate to others through cultural mediums?
Come now, I am not sure if you ever known this experience but simple, natural, pure unadulturated attraction to another human being who speaks an entirely different language, from a whole different culture. One finds they can only communicate through gestures, smiles, and the universal language; Body langauage. So yes practially i understand what you are saying but I disagree.
In the second body of your paragraph you discuss this notion of baggage. Now no one is more ferverant about this country owning up to what I believe is owed African Americans, whose back it was built on. It is one thing for us to know this, be mindful of it, carry it with us, and pass it down to generations. Jews do this. It is another to allow this to stop you from being the best person you can be on a daily basis because of fear and self pity. Now take this to a relationship.
I find most people have problems cleaning out their closet because they subconciously blame themselves for why it happened to them. For example think about the difference in you saying my ex cheated on me because he was a selfish prick. This thought process allows you to move forward with your life, and not look at everyone as though they are that person who cheated on you. You subconciously thinking and internalizing you got cheated on because you are not pretty enough, or not smart enough or whatever will follow you from person to person, then it is BAGGAGE, emotional baggage which hold you back from being all you can be with another person. In my opinion a BIG difference. Yes having ones heart open, invariably implies vulnerability. It is tough, and inner strength comes from a strong sense of self, something no one can take from you.
So yes you speak of growth, but i think only in theory, actual growth comes from a process. Emotional growth is difficult, because it involves essentially being a candle in the wind. People will come all the time on a daily basis to try and tear you down. Will you be so callous and emotionally closed off that when the right person comes along, you "maginot lines" are so tight that they end up pushing that person away?
I shamelessly admit these forums are a welcome distraction from the boredom of work.

 

[Miss Alyssa]

I suppose, whatever floats your boat. I do understand what you are saying in a sense. Does one "stimulating" your mind have to be educated and professional? There are tons of brothers out here who have not gone the educated route, but could have multitudes to teach you, and you teach him as well.
Think about poets or other artsy type brothers who are nobodys professional, and may have a job that makes ends meet for him. Surely he could stimulate you mentally, but back to my original thought, he is maybe not; presentable?
I am not at all endorsing or advocating that my sisters LOWER their standards, but merely adjust them to evolve with the times. 1/5th of borthers=GAY, 1/5th in jail, 1/5th were loved by their mothers and not raised (a marked difference), 1/5th=TAKEN, So 1/5th of brothers available for all these phenomenal women out here doing the damn thing. Those include trash men, artists, physicians, lawyers, etc. I still advocate cleaning out one's closet so they can meet a man regardless of his socic economic status and connect. We all want love and to be loved, but in the theoretical pyramid of love, the base or foundation for love is SELF LOVE !!!!!!!! The all natural opiate, and not narcissm, but self love, understanding and embracing one's virtues, flaws, what is best and worst about them. Most people try an dbuild loving relationships without this prereq, and like any weak foundation, the infrastructure and building will crumble and collapse.

Would he have to be educated? yes. Educated in an institution? no. There are many avenues and media through which to "get educated". As you said, life experience is one of them. A whole bunch of letters after his name is not necessary. The ability to think critically and analyze situations and theories is key.

20% of African American males are gay?

Lys

 

[akhilles604]

Please do not quote, that stat is inaccuate lol. I would guess more are gay, but then again we live in such a homophobic culture with all these wacky ideas for homosexuality and "gay". For example I knew football players who slept with men, but did not think they were gay because they were giving and not recieving.
I think that is a difficult thing to quantify because of cultural beliefs about homosexuality, in addiiton to it being stigmatized and unwelcome typically. Personally I have heard many theories on the prevalence of homosexuality amongst black males in the black community as part of the reason for the rapidly growing number of new HIV infections in YOUNG black females ages 18-25! They are sleeping with men, and having unprotected sex with women at the same time. This is also compounded by poverty, inaccesibility to quality health care etc. etc. So to put it bluntly i think more are gay than 20%

 

[UVABranch]

OK please allow me to address one thing at a time. I am not trying to change your mind, just merely offering another perspective.

same here, I often play devil's advocate...I just don't like blanket statements...a la "women should....." as if all women every do the same thing. I prefer "the women I know should (or should have)....."

In yor first paragraph you speak of this idea of relating to someone. Have we become so shallow in our culture that we feel we can only relate to others through cultural mediums?

Did I say that? I think having someone to relate to on a variety of topics (culture can be one of them) is a good thing. I don't know of many (really any) successful relationships where the people don't relate on come common ground (race, culture, age range, education, home town, love of sports, favorite color...but something). As I mentioned I don't like absolutes so I rarely use them, so I think you misinterpreted what I wrote. If you mean that "college educated" is a type of culture then sure I think we can but not "only." Actually I even said I'm open to other cultures...truth be told outside of my parents and extended family in other states I didn't really know many other from my culture...so I grew up having to find other ways to relate to people. Maybe your statement wasn't just directed at me.

Come now, I am not sure if you ever known this experience but simple, natural, pure unadulturated attraction to another human being who speaks an entirely different language, from a whole different culture. One finds they can only communicate through gestures, smiles, and the universal language; Body langauage. So yes practially i understand what you are saying but I disagree.

I agree that attraction is another way to "relate." But not the sole stuff love and relationships are built upon. I've been in relationships where attraction was the motivating force...but they didn't last because lust does not a relationship make...for me at least. So there I think we agree (but I'm not sure how that relates to what I said exactly, since I didn't say culture is to only way to relate to someone else) .

In the second body of your paragraph you discuss this notion of baggage. Now no one is more ferverant about this country owning up to what I believe is owed African Americans, whose back it was built on. It is one thing for us to know this, be mindful of it, carry it with us, and pass it down to generations. Jews do this. It is another to allow this to stop you from being the best person you can be on a daily basis because of fear and self pity. Now take this to a relationship.

I agree, so I can't speak to the self pity effects of "baggage," however short of someone saying that about themselves (or maybe a licensed professions with many hours of interaction with said person) saying "I pity myself," that's a tough thing to just say about someone else. If I say I was cheated on, and to an extent allowed him to take advantage of my giving kind ways, that's not self pity but rather self evaluation (if this is the sort of thing you mean, not sure).

I find most people have problems cleaning out their closet because they subconsciously blame themselves for why it happened to them. For example think about the difference in you saying my ex cheated on me because he was a selfish prick. This thought process allows you to move forward with your life, and not look at everyone as though they are that person who cheated on you. You subconsciously thinking and internalizing you got cheated on because you are not pretty enough, or not smart enough or whatever will follow you from person to person, then it is BAGGAGE, emotional baggage which hold you back from being all you can be with another person.

This is likely the result of low self esteem BEFORE the relationship that has been exacerbated as a FUNCTION of the relationship...but it was probably always there. There could be some truth here, but keep in mind this are not my opinions just a thought.

take the woman who now thinks she's not pretty enough, and let's assume the guy never said this to her directly or indirectly. Lets say when they met and started dating, she put more effort into her outward appearance. Then after months past and they both become more comfortable with one another, she does this less. Starts sleeping with a scarf or rollers, wears ill fitting sweat pants from junior high with some mystery stain whenever they are together. He may loose some attraction and cheat. (Since I think cheating is wrong his reason for it, whatever it is will be unfounded), but lets say it's because of that. She might rightfully think it's because she wasn't pretty enough, for this guy maybe so. Not necessarily the case, but maybe he likes a more high maintenance woman, and she might need a more low maintenance man, and it came down to that. She's allowed to think less than fond thoughts about herself on occasion, and if it's subconscious...technically there's no way of telling (short of hypnosis). If she jumps into a relationship right after and hasn't worked out her feelings from the first...that's something both parties will have to address. She doesn't bring those negative thoughts forward because she wants to, and sometimes we (men and women) need the help of others to see past the clouds. We're human, not meant to be a lone or get absolutely everything we need just from within. This is also why many people seek religion, to look for something outside themselves.

In my opinion a BIG difference. Yes having ones heart open, invariably implies vulnerability. It is tough, and inner strength comes from a strong sense of self, something no one can take from you.[/B]

inner strength can be taken, it can be stolen actually, not always but it does happen and while it's less than ideal should not be frowned upon especially if circumstances fall beyond your control. (think raped/molested, robed at gunpoint, enslaved; all extremes but stuff happens as we all know). You can get it back, but it's a process, usually requiring external support.

So yes you speak of growth, but i think only in theory,

I did? You sure?

People will come all the time on a daily basis to try and tear you down. Will you be so callous and emotionally closed off that when the right person comes along, you "maginot lines" are so tight that they end up pushing that person away?

Will I personally? I hope not, but sometimes it happened. That goes more to the notion of believing in a soul mate. While I do, I also like to believe that there's more than one. I'd hate to think that if things didn't work out with my soul mate that I used up my one shot. I could b closed off to the next, but as they say the third's the charm

I shamelessly admit these forums are a welcome distraction from the boredom of work.

who are you tellin'! makes the day go by easier.

p.s. I'm saying...why did I get the bold font?

 

[akhilles604]

OK, hmmm a soul mate? Um I believe this term has gotten mixed up through the years, i guess the beauty of language, that is static, and alive, and evolves.
The word soul comes from the greek word soukke, which in english is translated as psyche. Gone from Plato's conception of the soul-psyche (remember the Republic)It has taken on this Hollywood, pop culture connotation where you meet someone and everything just falls into place.
I get into this with my LB all the time, and I figuire, whatever helps you sleep at night. For all the cracks and crevices on this earth where people inhabit, why would one's soul mate necessarily be in the United States? Seems like a very expansive term is stricken to just the major cities in the US lol.
I agree with you, I do not like absolutes, but I say always or for the most part. No one can steal inner strength, it is like awareness, once one is there, it cannot be taken, maybe set back a little but no one can give or take such things.
Alas I beg to differ. Yes human beings are political animals, and yes friendhsip is a essential to the soul because it is a reflection of one's own nature. I believe the problem in our culture is that there is not enough internal reflection. This is not something done alone, think AA, or other self help programs. They require removal from ones current situation to a degree to work. However one is not isolate dbecause they are with others whom share the problem. Our culture is problematic because it preaches something external, extrinsic to us as making us better. It is a mirage, fool's gold, the best we can hope for is something external to us inspiring us to look inside ourselves for answers. Some find this in the bible (reads like any ethics text except it says you ought to do this or that because God or Jesus said so), some find this through service to others, health care professionals (psychologist) whom inspire this. Still at the root of it all is INTERNAL reflection.
Nothing personal with the bold print, I was just trying to distinguish yours from mine.

 

[anya1207]

Please tell me what bar/lounge this is that is filled with black professionals haha. just like curious lately, i'm a black female who is so afraid of not getting married, and never finding a good black guy... since i live in NY i would love to go to this bar, please tell me the name!

 

[anya1207]

Savantrice, I'm sorry about making you worried. I think that you probably will have no problem finding someone to be in a relationship with as long as you are open & out there (as discussed previously). However, I do think, as professional black women, we will have a hard time getting married in the next ten years.

As for you, don't jump right into internet dating. You might get to school and find more than a few guys you won't mind dating. Be positive. Match.com should be the last option...

I've been thinking about this topic for a long time. I would like to be married by the time I turn 40 (14 years from now), but is that really a realistic goal? I'm not sure.

Our dating pool is limited: many of us won't date men who haven't graduated from college or have children already. Many men don't want to be with women who make significantly more than they do, so where does that leave us?

Some good news for black/black relationships: I talked to my friend last night. She is doing her residency out west in a town with a smaller black population that she was used to (NYC). She met a guy at a bar/lounge very popular with young black professionals. He's 34 owns his own business and seems like an awesome mature man. (Problem for some women: He has a six year old child. My friend is OK with this, but I would not be. I'm not interested in being a stepmom). They seem to be really happy together.

Some good news for interracial-relationships: I know two young black professional women who got engaged this year: one works for the gov't and is marrying her white bf she met in college (she's 26) and the other is marrying her white bf she meet while she was an associate at a law firm (she's 29).

With that being said, there are many women who don't ever want to be married, and I think professional woman are more likely to fall into this group because they have something else to be "happy for" in life--their career. I wish I was like that, really!!

Check out this article:
From washingtonpost.com...

'Marriage Is for White People' By Joy Jone Sunday, March 26, 2006; B01

I grew up in a time when two-parent families were still the norm, in both black and white America. Then, as an adult, I saw divorce become more commonplace, then almost a rite of passage. Today it would appear that many -- particularly in the black community -- have dispensed with marriage altogether.

But as a black woman, I have witnessed the outrage of girlfriends when the ex failed to show up for his weekend with the kids, and I've seen the disappointment of children who missed having a dad around. Having enjoyed a close relationship with my own father, I made a conscious decision that I wanted a husband, not a live-in boyfriend and not a "baby's daddy," when it came my time to mate and marry.

My time never came.

For years, I wondered why not. And then some 12-year-olds enlightened me.

"Marriage is for white people."

That's what one of my students told me some years back when I taught a career exploration class for sixth-graders at an elementary school in Southeast Washington. I was pleasantly surprised when the boys in the class stated that being a good father was a very important goal to them, more meaningful than making money or having a fancy title.

"That's wonderful!" I told my class. "I think I'll invite some couples in to talk about being married and rearing children."

"Oh, no," objected one student. "We're not interested in the part about marriage. Only about how to be good fathers."

And that's when the other boy chimed in, speaking as if the words left a nasty taste in his mouth: "Marriage is for white people."

He's right. At least statistically. The marriage rate for African Americans has been dropping since the 1960s, and today, we have the lowest marriage rate of any racial group in the United States. In 2001, according to the U.S. Census, 43.3 percent of black men and 41.9 percent of black women in America had never been married, in contrast to 27.4 percent and 20.7 percent respectively for whites. African American women are the least likely in our society to marry. In the period between 1970 and 2001, the overall marriage rate in the United States declined by 17 percent; but for blacks, it fell by 34 percent. Such statistics have caused Howard University relationship therapist Audrey Chapman to point out that African Americans are the most uncoupled people in the country.

For the rest: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/03/25/AR2006032500029_pf.html

I would love to hear how other people feel about this topic. My friends and I talk about this every month or so. I think my friends who only date black men are more concerned about it than those in our group that graze the pasture a little more freely.

Please tell me what bar/lounge this is that is filled with black professionals haha. just like curious lately, i'm a black female who is so afraid of not getting married, and never finding a good black guy... since i live in NY i would love to go to this bar, please tell me the name!

 

[Boogsie]

Please tell me what bar/lounge this is that is filled with black professionals haha. just like curious lately, i'm a black female who is so afraid of not getting married, and never finding a good black guy... since i live in NY i would love to go to this bar, please tell me the name!

Unfortunately, my friend is doing her residency in Arizona!!

 

[CareBear84]

Please tell me what bar/lounge this is that is filled with black professionals haha. just like curious lately, i'm a black female who is so afraid of not getting married, and never finding a good black guy... since i live in NY i would love to go to this bar, please tell me the name!

Haven't been on SDN for a while but I've been spending most of my morning of reading the discussions and thought I'd get in on the action. I just wanted to respond to your post, because I found in undergrad that the best places to find black professionals (or if you're just interested in professionals of color) are attending mintority-based conferences/events in your area. Like for example the SNMA conference in NY this year would be a great place to meet people, especially black men in medicine (if that's your preference).

In undergrad I was an engineering major, and quickly found that the selection pool was small but being actively involved in engineering groups like NSBE (National Society of Black Engineers) and SSCLES (the Latino equivalent) allowed me to go to national conferences and conventions where you can meet many black professionals. Also I have friends in different fields who "conference hop" and go to everything from the law to business conferences, if its in their area. And you don't always need to register to partake in the evening events if their open to the public. Just a suggestion if you're on the lookout.


But just a question for the folks in the forum....isn't it better to let love find you than desperately go searching for it? I dunno I've always been under the impression that until you have your life in order ie you're working on your goals in life, finding and doing all the things that interests you, and just feeling yourself (my BayArea folks know what I mean) then that's when you find the right person (or the person finds you) who appreciates you for who you are. I guess it's hard to be patient during these times where friends are getting married, or it seems like everyone is on this hunt to find their "soulmate", but if this application process has taught me anything it's patience. That if you just do you, and stay positive that it will all work out in its own time? Am I naive to think that, because I think staying motivated that my love and professional life will all works itself is what keeps me going, and not letting the petty things get to me.

 

[akhilles604]

Hey everyone, sisters especially because I have never really heard brothers complaining about a shortage of phenomenal sisters. This is something I have been thinking about for a while, and piggybacking off of the previous post
I know everyone is short on time, but I propose this; if a "professional black guy" is what you are looking for: In your respective city contact representatives for each "field" or whatever and start a listserve to co-host socials. For example the black graduate student association at a respective university, Black Law Student Associations, graduate chapters of fraternities, youth divisions at local churches etc. If you are not overly concerned about meeting a professional guy, then try local black unions, political organizations, sports clubs, and such. I think facebook is great to helping achieve this end.
Nah I am not talking about going to some huge club where music is loud and people cannot hear each other. Alcohol does not have to be involved, a quaint coffee shop, or even a resturant that has seating conducive to group communication. Keep the listserve amongst the group, encourage brothers to bring people that they think ladies might want to meet, and not just their "boys."
I envision something liek this would start out small, but with careful organization and strong leadership could evolve into something great. As opposed to the tradional mechanism of "first fridays" that ends up turning hood after a while. That sort of thing is always piped as though it is "professional, and upscale", but is really not. So why not take ownership, and take it upon ourselves as "educated" black people to start and facilitate that which we want for ourselves, as opposed to leaving it to chance? If anyone would like to talk further about this, please private message.
Also everyone is the metro DC area, Kappa Alpha Psi will be having our huge national conference, sometime in 08 or 09 I believe. Stay tuned! ALWAYS professional brothers making moves in some way shape form or fashion, everywhere you turn.

 

[anya1207]

Haven't been on SDN for a while but I've been spending most of my morning of reading the discussions and thought I'd get in on the action. I just wanted to respond to your post, because I found in undergrad that the best places to find black professionals (or if you're just interested in professionals of color) are attending mintority-based conferences/events in your area. Like for example the SNMA conference in NY this year would be a great place to meet people, especially black men in medicine (if that's your preference).

In undergrad I was an engineering major, and quickly found that the selection pool was small but being actively involved in engineering groups like NSBE (National Society of Black Engineers) and SSCLES (the Latino equivalent) allowed me to go to national conferences and conventions where you can meet many black professionals. Also I have friends in different fields who "conference hop" and go to everything from the law to business conferences, if its in their area. And you don't always need to register to partake in the evening events if their open to the public. Just a suggestion if you're on the lookout.


But just a question for the folks in the forum....isn't it better to let love find you than desperately go searching for it? I dunno I've always been under the impression that until you have your life in order ie you're working on your goals in life, finding and doing all the things that interests you, and just feeling yourself (my BayArea folks know what I mean) then that's when you find the right person (or the person finds you) who appreciates you for who you are. I guess it's hard to be patient during these times where friends are getting married, or it seems like everyone is on this hunt to find their "soulmate", but if this application process has taught me anything it's patience. That if you just do you, and stay positive that it will all work out in its own time? Am I naive to think that, because I think staying motivated that my love and professional life will all works itself is what keeps me going, and not letting the petty things get to me.

i understand where you are coming from... I just dont want to be too patient.. and end up 45yrs old, unmarried and no kids...

and good idea about meeting guys though conferences and stuff... ive attended snma conferences (regional and national) before, but didnt meet anyone, but i wasnt really looking either haha. i know im still young (just turned 21), but in all my 21 years ive met very few great black guys, so i'm just nervous about meeting someone in my future...

 

[xeulee]

Hey everyone, sisters especially because I have never really heard brothers complaining about a shortage of phenomenal sisters.

There is at least one guy that doesn't agree and is going to be on Tyra's show this coming Monday. One of the subjects of this show is black women and dating.

 

[CHILLMD]

i understand where you are coming from... I just dont want to be too patient.. and end up 45yrs old, unmarried and no kids...

and good idea about meeting guys though conferences and stuff... ive attended snma conferences (regional and national) before, but didnt meet anyone, but i wasnt really looking either haha. i know im still young (just turned 21), but in all my 21 years ive met very few great black guys, so i'm just nervous about meeting someone in my future...

In response to a previous post, I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to seriously date only college educated guys, but of course I am one so I might be biased. Personally, I will only consider a serious relationship with a girl who is either in college, or has a degree. Not that not going to college has any bearing on intelligence or wisdom. It doesn't. It does have an impact on knowledge. I don't care how u slice it, there is no subtitute for the academic environment college provides.

College provides so many avenues for learning besides the classroom; professors, peers, conferences, talks, organizations, mentors, etc. Assuming one takes college somewhat seriously, I think u come out a different person. So for me, when it comes to marriage, college is a requirement and I don't think it should be wrong to say it. In fact, I wish more girls will have that requirement. The educational gap between black men and our women is embarassing. of course a case can be made for those who could not make it due to circumstances beyond their control.

Now, for this whole waiting business. Being single right now (and I haven't been in a while), I think it will be hard for me to be in a social setting and not be looking. What I do is not to expect a life partner. I just look out for someone who I can hangout and do stuff on the weekend with. If that turns into something more, good. So far that hasn't happened but it's hard not to be looking.

Also, people talk about focusing on career and all that and worry about relationships later. I don't believe in putting life on hold coz you can't. The majority of my life is outside of school. I have to do the things i have always done, ie, church, sports, friends outside of med school, relationships, family. for me, those are the real essentials of life. My career is just along for the ride. I don't think building a career is so difficult one needs to put everything on hold for it. U just need to do what is neccessary to keep both career and all the other components of life on track.

 

[shmrshines]

From a black male perspective, I will date anyone of any color.

In my experiences since high school, I haven't come across too many black females with similar goals and/or common values as mine. I don't fit the ghetto mold and am not big into "spitting game" etc, so thus I get excluded from a large portion of the african american dating pool. I use to get chastised for this back in high school (and perhaps even now), but after some serious self-reflection (and reading "Why Are All the Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria? By Beverly Tatum, PhD), I moved on and do my own thing.

On a related topic, I am a pretty active member in my local MAPS chapter (Minority Assocation of Pre-Health Students). Ironically enough, some of the black females in the club say they get extremely angry when they see a 'successful' black male dating outside of their race due to the scarity of 'sucessful' black males in the dating pool. I am all about giving back to the black community and am very passionate about increasing underrepresented minorities in medicine in addition to increasing underrepresented minoritiy patients in clinical research. Nevertheless, I am not going to date on the sole basis of race of alone. That said, I don't know what they would have me do.

What do you guys (or rather, gals) think?

Hi!! I completely understand where your coming from, and wondered why all the black kids sat together in the cafeteria also,lol... I came from a small town and found that I wasn't attracted to the black guys. It wasn't until I was older and branched out more in the world that I realized that it wasn't because of their color but because of their behaviors(want to be ghetto thugs!) I am currently in an interracial relationship and It's wonderful, but sometimes I say to myself when I encounter an articulate professional aa man, wow! for a while I didn't even know they made them like that! It's sad but true... So, big ups to all the professional black men out there who are proving all the naysayers wrong and doing their thing regardless... oh, and I don't care who you date or marry, everyone should just be with who makes them happy!!

 

[shmrshines]

It's the truth as sad as it may be. I am not afraid of approaching a successful black woman, there merely are none to approach. I am sorry if you find it hard to believe me; I have no reason to lie on an anonymous internet forum. I am just expressing my personal experiences. (Also, the black females who I have met who are "goal oriented, sincere, sweet" are already taken). Perhaps things will change once I matriculate into medical school. C'est la vie.

Yes, sorry!! hahaha....

 

[shmrshines]

I have heard the comment that some black women get angry when they see a successful black man with a woman who isn't what they would consider black? I have never understood what the big deal is. There are plenty of men out there black, white, Latino, Asian and any other ethnicity to meet and get to know. Why would you even consider that something is lacking in you because a man that you don't know is with a woman that you don't know? There is no competition with woman of other ethnicities. I definitely do NOT want to be with a man who doesn't want to be with me.

I have always been fortunate to have friends and to have had relationships with men of all ethnicities. I love all people period and I certainly don't feel that because a person prefers to date a specific person that it has anything to do with ethnicity or that there is something lacking in me. I don't exclude any person because of race (definitely because of character though) and I have always felt that there was something of a richness to my life because of my openness.

I am a challenge and I definitely know that I am a great date, girlfriend, friend etc. I am smart, strong and very interesting. What could be better? If you don't want to be my friend or have looked at me and excluded me from your circle based on my color alone, it's your loss and not that something is lacking in me. When it comes to competition, I just don't have any.

yeah, what she said...

 

[shmrshines]

You know...white people get ashy. You just don't notice it because we're white and you can't see it as well.

uh huh!!! my grand father was white, and dry and ashy as anybody!!

 

[bellacnella]

I understand both perspectives here. Njbmd and the other posters are fortunate enough to want to date men of other ethnicities AND be wanted by these men. However, chocomorsel is not in this type of situation, so her anger and frustration is understandable. Her choice may be with black man or be alone. In that case, a non-black woman in the arms of a black man IS competition.

I date both black and white men, but I must say I do feel a bit of frustration when I see a black man with a non-black woman. Why? Because I see the other side of the story...lots of professional black women in their 30s and 40s unmarried and very unhappy about it. I see the "typical black family" which is now a mom and a couple of kids with NO DAD, and I think about the choice that black man has made. Its not like when a white guy choose to date an Asian woman. There is no bigger cultural implication there. Its just two people in love and happy. There are already so few professional black men or black men with no kids and no criminal record, for that matter, so it makes a big impact when one is lost to the other team.

Chocomorsel is right, why aren't our black men sticking with us as we are with them? All my black friends dating black men have to go through so much more drama (babymama, money, fooling around, jealousy) than the black women that date white men. Its like we have to go on a crazy roller-coaster ride to prove our love and get to that altar when, at least in my opinion and from my experiences, "I love you and respect you" is more than enough for other men because that is all anyone really wants.

Chocomorsel, you are not a racist. You shouldn't have to date outside of your race if you don't want to. Interracial relationships have there own complications as well, and you should not have to do that in order to be married and happy.

You said it before I could. Also, lets be real-there aren't many white or asian males who want to date black females, no matter how wonderful we may be. These are largely for social reasons. So I agree with everything written here.

 

[bellacnella]

This makes me extremely sad. You mean to tell me you haven't met any goal oriented, sincere, sweet black females since you've been in high school?? Given the proportions (male/female) of black people in higher education and professional schools I find that very hard to believe--there are waaaaay more of us than there are of you! It's been my experience (and it's just that--my experience) that black males are getting more and more...afraid?? to approach a successful black woman. It's like we have to fall all over you before you give us the time of day, and for the life of me I don't understand why. I could wax poetically on all the psychosocial implications, culture, etc...but I dont want to...I just want to know why, black men, why??? If I sound a little fanatical, its because maybe I am, cause the situation is really out of control!

+1.

 

[DocShow]

This comment has gotten me interested. It is my sincere belief that successful black women aren't all that interested in a meeting a level-headed, professional black man. I can say that because it describes me. Many of the black women I meet in the professional world would rather have a thug who doesn't speak the most proper english, wear his pants (and belt!) at waist line, or has a job even. And as a black man that is what frustrates me. Because I speak properly or don't sag, most black women assume "he got to be some kind of punk." Trust me i've heard it all before. So before judging that black man with that white woman, and taking offense, don't assume you know his situation and experiences.

That said, I love seeing a beatiful, driven, intelligent, black woman. The problem is she doesn't always look back!

 

[Hottice1127]

This comment has gotten me interested. It is my sincere belief that successful black women aren't all that interested in a meeting a level-headed, professional black man. I can say that because it describes me. Many of the black women I meet in the professional world would rather have a thug who doesn't speak the most proper english, wear his pants (and belt!) at waist line, or has a job even. And as a black man that is what frustrates me. Because I speak properly or don't sag, most black women assume "he got to be some kind of punk." Trust me i've heard it all before. So before judging that black man with that white woman, and taking offense, don't assume you know his situation and experiences.

That said, I love seeing a beatiful, driven, intelligent, black woman. The problem is she doesn't always look back!

Well...on that note, I live in 1-- Univ Ave., NJ. You should stop by sometime. I happen to be a "beautiful, driven, intelligent, black woman" looking for a "level-headed, professional black man" who is also HANDSOME, NOT a "thug who doesnt speak the most proper english, wear his pants (and belt!) at waistline, or has a job even."

By the way, I can pretty much guarantee you, that just about every woman on this thread desires the same thing.

Something else that troubles me a bit concerning this topic. Most professional, educated black men always seem to have "beauty" as a must-have when listing the criteria for a partner. However, it seems funny to me because when a successful black woman desires to have an educated, professional black man who is "tall, dark, and handsome", it doesnt seem to sit well with folks. Its almost as if she is vain and is more concerned with aesthetics than in his accomplishments, or what he can offer. She wants her cake and wants to eat it too. Well thats mighty odd...no?

So, what I am about to say may sound "vain" or "shallow". But, I have to be honest. From what I have seen, most black guys that are educated and professional and doing well sometimes forget about taking care of themselves. They tend to be very unkempt and socially awkward. Now, I am sorry, but no matter how smart, or educated you are, you have to be presentable. Now I am not playing down on the whole educated part or anything. What I am saying is that there is nothing wrong with desiring a complete package.

And that is my 2 cents.

 

[anya1207]

.

 

[flaahless]

This comment has gotten me interested. It is my sincere belief that successful black women aren't all that interested in a meeting a level-headed, professional black man. I can say that because it describes me. Many of the black women I meet in the professional world would rather have a thug who doesn't speak the most proper english, wear his pants (and belt!) at waist line, or has a job even. And as a black man that is what frustrates me. Because I speak properly or don't sag, most black women assume "he got to be some kind of punk." Trust me i've heard it all before. So before judging that black man with that white woman, and taking offense, don't assume you know his situation and experiences.

That said, I love seeing a beatiful, driven, intelligent, black woman. The problem is she doesn't always look back!

I kind of feel what you're saying. I've definitely had to "dumb it down" in a few situations.

 

[freelove]

I kind of feel what you're saying. I've definitely had to "dumb it down" in a few situations.

Lol... wow. That is very surprising to me.

 

[anya1207]

I kind of feel what you're saying. I've definitely had to "dumb it down" in a few situations.

you shouldnt have to dumb it down...

 

[Nasrudin]

Nerdy hasn't been cool since 84. It's not just a phenomenon within the black community. Pop culture masculinity is about about corn rows, being tatted to the extreme and generally being hard...right. All the nurse's in the hospital i used to work at were hot for my thuggish workmates. Nevermind that they were from the burbs and still lived with their parents.

But we're in now in the universe of what is sexually ideal and why can't I get laid if my resume is tight. Impossible derivations from internet conversations. Black wealthy educated professional with portfolio seeking same.......crickets......maybe you just don't have game maybe your idea of ideal in narrow and that's a shame...for you because life is short.

 

[flaahless]

Lol... wow. That is very surprising to me.

Haha, hold up, dumb it down was a reference to a Lupe Fiasco song, I didn't mean for it to sound as pretentious and pompous as it did. Let me clarify. It really depends on the situation. Like, LA is a weird place. A lot of people are on this flashy Hollywood tip and can be real superficial. It's not necessarily that nerdy is played out, it's that every other dude is wearing some fake True Religions or Rock and Republic jeans, fake Christian Audigier shirt, some stunner shades and some creative recreations. So I gotta have an outfit like that so I' can compete. It's like, "when in Rome...do what Romans do."

Similarly, I've been to parties where the attire was a white tee, khakis, and chucks. Real hood. So when I'm in that situation, I switch it up also. "When in Rome..."

When I'm with my close circle of friends and we go to a college party, then it's all good. I show up normal and do what I do. But if I feel like going to a party on the other side of Long Beach, or feel like doing something in Hollywood, the style changes. I didn't mean didn't mean dumb it down in an arrogant way, moreso I meant I had to be more low key.

 

[Nasrudin]

Closing Arguments to a largely mono-racial-ogomist jury and more generally to the mono-choose-your-own-adventure-ogomy public.

Two scenarios for the same dude:

Hi my name is Bert. I am seeking someone who is into role-playing games and who would like to attend sci-fi and comic book conventions with me as well a summer tours to Medieval fairs in full regalia, preferably of the clingon/viking variety and temperament. Must be neat and organized. A computer professional preferred. At least be proficient in C++. Must love iguanas.

Hi my name is Bert I'm into some nerdy ****--I gotta be me. It doesn't matter if you're like me or you just got here from the far flung corners of the universe as long as your kind and warm we can kick it.

*Scenario 1 = {Oprah and Gale's annual--"Why can't I find a good black man/woman co-convention} + you
*Scenario 2 = {co-conspirators} + Nasrudin and the League of Polyglots

*extrapolated into whatever your monoism is in this case it would seem the Marcus Garvey Express.

Off the top of the dome I cannot think of a single person who fits the descriptive tendencies of scenario 2 who isn't either happy by themselves for the time being or happy in a relationship. On the other hand the legions of complainers under the monoist regime never fail to disappoint themselves in large numbers. My case is rested.

 

[Nasrudin]

Haha, hold up, dumb it down was a reference to a Lupe Fiasco song, I didn't mean for it to sound as pretentious and pompous as it did. Let me clarify. It really depends on the situation. Like, LA is a weird place. A lot of people are on this flashy Hollywood tip and can be real superficial. It's not necessarily that nerdy is played out, it's that every other dude is wearing some fake True Religions or Rock and Republic jeans, fake Christian Audigier shirt, some stunner shades and some creative recreations. So I gotta have an outfit like that so I' can compete. It's like, "when in Rome...do what Romans do."

Similarly, I've been to parties where the attire was a white tee, khakis, and chucks. Real hood. So when I'm in that situation, I switch it up also. "When in Rome..."

When I'm with my close circle of friends and we go to a college party, then it's all good. I show up normal and do what I do. But if I feel like going to a party on the other side of Long Beach, or feel like doing something in Hollywood, the style changes. I didn't mean didn't mean dumb it down in an arrogant way, moreso I meant I had to be more low key.

Clearly you aren't going to make any friends at the Elijah Muhammad Dinner Party, but I understand you completely and it's interesting that those who have trouble following this line of thinking probably are exponentially fractioning off individuals who could bring them much good company.

If I was going to kick it to the beautiful girl at the Taco Bar who speaks not so much English I wouldn't talk incessantly about my love for Ancient Persian Literature, what has that got to do with honnies at the Taco Bar. It doesn't mean that she'd be any less brilliant in that apron it's just I'm trying to make moves not impress somebody with my eclectic interests.

Now if I had supposed that she didn't fit my extensive demographic criteria
I would never know how to Merengue much less the pride of seeing my hijos graduating from Princeton or the fact that this same honey is still a knock out at 45 and that I love it when she calls me Poppy.

Oh I forgot...I rested my case.

 

[Cestmoi]

Closing Arguments to a largely mono-racial-ogomist jury and more generally to the mono-choose-your-own-adventure-ogomy public.

Two scenarios for the same dude:

Hi my name is Bert. I am seeking someone who is into role-playing games and who would like to attend sci-fi and comic book conventions with me as well a summer tours to Medieval fairs in full regalia, preferably of the clingon/viking variety and temperament. Must be neat and organized. A computer professional preferred. At least be proficient in C++. Must love iguanas.

Hi my name is Bert I'm into some nerdy ****--I gotta be me. It doesn't matter if you're like me or you just got here from the far flung corners of the universe as long as your kind and warm we can kick it.

*Scenario 1 = {Oprah and Gale's annual--"Why can't I find a good black man/woman co-convention} + you
*Scenario 2 = {co-conspirators} + Nasrudin and the League of Polyglots

*extrapolated into whatever your monoism is in this case it would seem the Marcus Garvey Express.

Off the top of the dome I cannot think of a single person who fits the descriptive tendencies of scenario 2 who isn't either happy by themselves for the time being or happy in a relationship. On the other hand the legions of complainers under the monoist regime never fail to disappoint themselves in large numbers. My case is rested.

huh???

 

[flaahless]

Clearly you aren't going to make any friends at the Elijah Muhammad Dinner Party, but I understand you completely and it's interesting that those who have trouble following this line of thinking probably are exponentially fractioning off individuals who could bring them much good company.

If I was going to kick it to the beautiful girl at the Taco Bar who speaks not so much English I wouldn't talk incessantly about my love for Ancient Persian Literature, what has that got to do with honnies at the Taco Bar. It doesn't mean that she'd be any less brilliant in that apron it's just I'm trying to make moves not impress somebody with my eclectic interests.

Now if I had supposed that she didn't fit my extensive demographic criteria
I would never know how to Merengue much less the pride of seeing my hijos graduating from Princeton or the fact that this same honey is still a knock out at 45 and that I love it when she calls me Poppy.

Oh I forgot...I rested my case.

Exactly!

 

[DocShow]

Ok so maybe saying they never look back was an exaggeration of my frustration. But I still say for the most part....they don't look back!! And in case you're wondering, I'm not from the back woods somewhere. And if you say you've never met a prof. black woman who wants a thug...you haven't met many professional black women! As a brotha i'm telling you what i've experienced, not what I think. Just an opinion! Love, peace, and hair grease!

i dont know where u are from, but I have never ever met a professional black woman who wants a thug!!! and i dont believe you when you say the beautiful, driven black women dont look back! I consider myself to be a beautiful, driven, intelligent black woman and i would definitely look back if a professional, level-headed black man looked my way... problem is they dont!

maybe the problem is that professional black women don't think professional black men are interested in them, and professional black men don't think professional black women are interested in them...

 

[anya1207]

.

 

[just thoughts]

Clearly you aren't going to make any friends at the Elijah Muhammad Dinner Party, but I understand you completely and it's interesting that those who have trouble following this line of thinking probably are exponentially fractioning off individuals who could bring them much good company.

If I was going to kick it to the beautiful girl at the Taco Bar who speaks not so much English I wouldn't talk incessantly about my love for Ancient Persian Literature, what has that got to do with honnies at the Taco Bar. It doesn't mean that she'd be any less brilliant in that apron it's just I'm trying to make moves not impress somebody with my eclectic interests.

Now if I had supposed that she didn't fit my extensive demographic criteria
I would never know how to Merengue much less the pride of seeing my hijos graduating from Princeton or the fact that this same honey is still a knock out at 45 and that I love it when she calls me Poppy.

Oh I forgot...I rested my case.

I hear you, and I think that what you're saying makes sense - for some people. Consciously walking away from cultural and sub-cultural norms is far more difficult for some than others, and your post doesn't allow room for that.

Without making any assumptions about you or your background, I would challenge you to think about the differential roles that communities, feelings/desire of belonging, history, and gender dynamics interact and affect how African-American/Black folks date, choose partners, and so on. Somehow, I think that you already know what I'm getting at, but I wanted to put it out there for others, as well.

Much respect to Papi, his wife, and their family for constantly and actively challenging social and cultural norms with their very existence. While there are folks that look at all of you and wonder "what happened," there are also folks that look at you and feel a little more inspired to try "something new."

 

[dancinRN1022]

maybe alot of black women don't think that professional black men want to date us...it is like a self fulfilling prophecy... i remember all of my friends asking me why do i date white guys so often and i would always respond...because black guys dont like me... but then they opened my eyes that maybe i just wasn't seeing them... in a class...or at a party... i wouldn't notice the black guy smiling at me... i only saw who i wanted to see...

and after some soul searching i realized it was my issue not theirs...

granted my bf now is white...but there really weren't ANY single black men at my hospital that i work at now... and we have been together for two years...

i think if u make yourself available and open then ppl will approach you...it is soo much easier being a woman than a man... we have our pick of choices...

i have no problem with a black man dating outside of his race...and black women can't take it soo personally... ppl have a right to be happy... and all of these black men still love their mommas and grandmas...so they don't hate black women or they don't think badly of us...they just fell in love and/or was attracted to someone different...

 

[dancinRN1022]

I kind of feel what you're saying. I've definitely had to "dumb it down" in a few situations.

hahahaha you almost got in trouble with that dumb it down comment!!!!

 

[Nasrudin]

I hear you, and I think that what you're saying makes sense - for some people. Consciously walking away from cultural and sub-cultural norms is far more difficult for some than others, and your post doesn't allow room for that.

Without making any assumptions about you or your background, I would challenge you to think about the differential roles that communities, feelings/desire of belonging, history, and gender dynamics interact and affect how African-American/Black folks date, choose partners, and so on. Somehow, I think that you already know what I'm getting at, but I wanted to put it out there for others, as well.

Much respect to Papi, his wife, and their family for constantly and actively challenging social and cultural norms with their very existence. While there are folks that look at all of you and wonder "what happened," there are also folks that look at you and feel a little more inspired to try "something new."

I hear you too. But in full disclosure it was a thought exercise in imagining what if my wife was an immigrant who worked at a taco joint. I would still love her I would like to think, regardless of her earthly clothes and circumstance.

I understand your point about cultural cohesion. But that is the majority point of view and therefore needs no advocacy least of all from me--an outward bound caucasian determined to dismantle barriers and to risk gettin in y'all's business to do it.

As a point of absolute heresy this thread is beginning to make me wonder if it is not possible the black bourgeois culture is even more boring and constrictive than it's white counterpart. I'm sure survivance plays a cruel hand but regardless if I had to spend any considerable time trifling over the arrangements of bending my fate to allow me maximum probability of meeting my resume's soul mate, I would absolutely f'n loose it...join a punk band sport a frohawk, and pierce my nose with a bone.

 

[freelove]

I'm a little bit confused as to the turn this thread has taken.

 

[4paw]

I'm a little bit confused as to the turn this thread has taken.

That makes sense. The thread is starting to touch on some theory which has been highly developed around identity politics, identity boundaries, where love and desire play out in there, how love and desire are shaped by discourses around race, class, sex, sexuality etc. What lots of people find is that at the beginning, those ideas are confusing, but if you stick with them, and explore them, they can be really cool. that was my major in undergrad and my first grad degree, via women's studies. I'm coming from the lesbian community, where my identity is white but intersects with being half Jamaican and half Irish. My partner is First Nations in Canada. So I'm a white person on the edges of aboriginal culture, as well as knowing the contexts of colonialism, the Caribbean, etc but from the white side, as a person who was also raised to fight against colonialism and racism with an activist, poor, Irish mother in Canada. My schooling got into the complex ideas that are starting to get touched on in the thread. it's neat stuff, and confusing at first. i guess what i'm saying is that the ideas can sometimes handle the more complex questions that come up around desire and race and class and shame and whether we are internalizing 'standards' that wouldn't be our own if we thought about them etc... so dressing up is often about 'class' and how that is intersecting with what 'race' needs to be dressed up for/down for, and where our desire fits in... and i totally get the not knowing how to approach folks on a different side of any given identity division. that was my thought when i first knew i wanted to flirt with/date women but i was up to that point a perfected flirt for flirting with men. whole different ball game! and in the queer context, 'bisexual' would be the equivalent of the anxiety of dating across lines, and there is sometimes a lot of suspicion for 'bisexual'. so anyways, these kinds of ideas that sounds strange at first are great for the more complex reality we find when we include our desires, emotions etc, when reality is not just 'black and white'. so give a good hearing to that stuff, eh?
and you just got called bourgeois. snap! but then i'd come back with the old standard - as soon as a working-class punk-rocker goes to school (and I'd bet the bone came out to get past the interviews), there's a melange of identities right there and you can't just have a pure outrage at the rich anymore when you yourself are! how you gonna deal with them apples, punk i'm talkin' to Nasrudin with that one....
so that's about enough space i'll take up in a thread about AA dating, since I'm only on the interracial partnership fringe of cross-race, only a national Jamaican (out of many, one people) - but hearing another voice of a partner and lover, I just had to contribute.... back to the topic, with a postmodern identity spin on desire

 

[ERdoc2b]

How difficult is this especially for Black women? What do people do? Any stories or advice about being Black and dating during med school? I've heard that at some med schools, none of the Black students will date because it is like dating someone in your family which I don't get. Is that the general case? What about at HBCUs? I appreciate any opinion on this!

Interesting question.I've heard so many stories.I've heard that most black students do not even date during Medical school.Maybe because sadly the percentage of African-American students going to Med school is somewhat low and they feel it may be ackward to date out side of their race.Who really knows.I guess it would be nice to see more people that look like me walking around campus.

 

[chocomorsel]

Interesting question.I've heard so many stories.I've heard that most black students do not even date during Medical school.Maybe because sadly the percentage of African-American students going to Med school is somewhat low and they feel it may be ackward to date out side of their race.Who really knows.I guess it would be nice to see more people that look like me walking around campus.

Sadly, I'm one of those AA women who didn't date at all in medschool. And I live in an area with 25% black folk. Now I'm about to start residency and moving to a city with 2.5% black folk. Some of my black classmates ask me what I'm gonna do there without black people and I tell them, "I've been around them for years and heck they aren't doing anything much for me". I am now open to dating outside of my race since I can't find a decent honest black man. I'm gonna try and enjoy life without worrying too much about men. Of course that's alot easier to do when you are working 70-80hr weeks and have no time for socializing. But I'm gonna mingle with the "others" whenever I get a chance and see what else is out there, regardless of race. If I keep waiting for Mr. tall, black, educated and handsome, I may never get married and I'm turning 30 this year. Good luck to all the other black women. And my advise to yall is, if you can't beat them join them.

 

[172858]

I am now open to dating outside of my race since I can't find a decent honest black man.

Don't lose hope. We're definitely out there.

 

[anya1207]

.

 

[Cestmoi]

This aspect might have been pointed out before, but I have noted that with several black females (including myself) it's not always about cultural issues. Some of us are almost ONLY physically attracted to black guys which makes it harder to branch out and date other guys. I mean if it was all about culture then I would be strictly looking for a guy who was born and raised in my home country as well, considering there's quite a degree of cultural differences among different groups in the black community (homeland-born Africans, African Americans, Carribbean...). But in my days in the US, I've been attracted to black guys in general - something about the caramel/mocha complexion just excites me that I obviously can't find in 'others'. I definitely do find guys from other ethnicities attractive, I'm just not as attracted to them. Unless.. you know.. he was like a Brad Pitt then dayumm.. he would definitely catch my eye.

 

[sernic]

WOW...this topic has my head spinning...I can't even comment

 

[puchi]

Where are you guys looking that you havent seen any educated black men. Ive dated a few...lol

I can see why it may be difficult for some AAs, its hard enough in the regular world, I can only imagine in med school. Well, thats what e-harmony is for...ha.

 

[ERdoc2b]

Sadly, I'm one of those AA women who didn't date at all in medschool. And I live in an area with 25% black folk. Now I'm about to start residency and moving to a city with 2.5% black folk. Some of my black classmates ask me what I'm gonna do there without black people and I tell them, "I've been around them for years and heck they aren't doing anything much for me". I am now open to dating outside of my race since I can't find a decent honest black man. I'm gonna try and enjoy life without worrying too much about men. Of course that's alot easier to do when you are working 70-80hr weeks and have no time for socializing. But I'm gonna mingle with the "others" whenever I get a chance and see what else is out there, regardless of race. If I keep waiting for Mr. tall, black, educated and handsome, I may never get married and I'm turning 30 this year. Good luck to all the other black women. And my advise to yall is, if you can't beat them join them.

2.5%???? My fellow African-Americans sadly haven't done much for me either.But that's ok I still love those that share the same culture as me.I gave up on Mr. Tall, Black,educated, and handsome a long time ago.I no longer notice race.Well if you can't beat then I guess you should just join em'.

 

[ERdoc2b]

This comment has gotten me interested. It is my sincere belief that successful black women aren't all that interested in a meeting a level-headed, professional black man. I can say that because it describes me. Many of the black women I meet in the professional world would rather have a thug who doesn't speak the most proper english, wear his pants (and belt!) at waist line, or has a job even. And as a black man that is what frustrates me. Because I speak properly or don't sag, most black women assume "he got to be some kind of punk." Trust me i've heard it all before. So before judging that black man with that white woman, and taking offense, don't assume you know his situation and experiences.

That said, I love seeing a beatiful, driven, intelligent, black woman. The problem is she doesn't always look back!

Your comments are very true. It sadly describes the typical black women.If you get discouraged take pride in the fact that you wear a belt along with your pants and don't still live with your mother.Good luck!