Breakin' up

[thegosis]

I've been married for about 9 months and my marriage it seems is already falling apart. The reason? I'd hate to admit it, it's not me or her. It's the family surrounding us. My parents and her parents are not on good terms. I'm trying to balance things out, my wife is hurt by my mother's comments, and my in-laws are terribly disappointed. I've tried to mediate between the two. My crazy mother who's very stubborn to death... and my dear stubborn wife... I am accused everytime that I am siding with only one party. It drive s me crazy to hear them say things like that. I try to make each side understand but there's nothing I can say that gives me any slightest hint of change. I feel like going crazy with no one on both sides understanding my situation. I am in a professional school, enrolled in the last year, and I am under lots of work pressure. I am asking myself why is this happening to me? She's telling me off that I wasn't there to protect her from my nasty mother. I agree to some degree... but I've only been married 9 months and I sometimes had no clue to how to handle things between my mother and my wife. I felt like choking in between and still do. I've lost appetite, am having frequent nightmares and I don't know how I see patients during the day. I've seen the counselors and friends regarding this. The only answer I get is, "Geez, that's a tough one. We feel sorry for you."

I've given up totally... I tried to be as sincerely as I could to her family and to her... however, she's stopped communicating with me. It shows that she's hurt by my inactions and I guess now she's trying to turn the table around. I guess I've been so stupid.

This week's going so slow and I feel close to breaking up. At first, I felt anger and denial and all that stages we hear about. I still do care about her. That's what makes it the hardest... I just can't seem to let go. When will my pain of holding on be greater than my pain of letting go?

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[Dodohead]

I don't think that breaking off your marriage is necessarily the only option. Have you and your wife sat down with a couselor about this? If the problem is not you, nor your wife, I really would suggest trying to work things out every way you can before jumping on the divorce wagon. True, its easier to walk away when things get tough, but I tend to think that marriage takes a certain degree of committment. In-law problems, while frustrating and agonizing, don't really seem like irreconcilable differences.

Second, and don't take this the wrong way, but... you really need to stand with your wife 100%. I know, it sounds dumb, but when you marry someone, your allegience needs to change. You go from being a son to a husband. You've started your own family, and your wife NEEDS to know that you are always behind her, 100%. If she can't feel that support from you, or if she feels that you are siding with your mother against her, then your marriage really will fail, since your wife won't know whether you are for her or against her.

 

[djohnston]

I agree with the previous replies. True, marriage is no cakewalk- especially when extended family try to meddle- but it can also be the source of a lot of strength and support when things get rough at work or elsewhere.

Be sure you're not placing all the blame elsewhere when maybe some of your own actions are causing problems. I know from my own experience that it's easy to overlook our own stubbornness/insensitivity/inability to communicate.

If want to make your marriage work- be committed to it. Tell your wife that she's number 1 in your life (if she really is)- above your family and above hers. Sometimes you have to ignore what other people say/do and just live your own lives.

Distance can be good too. I'm SO glad that we didn't take the apartment that was a great deal and just down the road from my in-laws.

hopefully some of this will be of help.

~d

 

[thegosis]

Everyone, I tried real hard. Her side of family is not moved at all. My wife is the only child that they had and the tight-knit threesome have decided that the families aren't compatible at all. They literally kicked me out and want time to think things over. It's separation for now. 9 months of marriage and now we're this? I don't feel like doing anything... I've sleeping in motels and now I just feel like ending it all! I am only glad that there was no child involved with this mess... Life goes on around me.. and I just feel like invisible man.

 

[Aaron Earles]

Everyone, I tried real hard. Her side of family is not moved at all. My wife is the only child that they had and the tight-knit threesome have decided that the families aren't compatible at all. They literally kicked me out and want time to think things over. It's separation for now. 9 months of marriage and now we're this? I don't feel like doing anything... I've sleeping in motels and now I just feel like ending it all! I am only glad that there was no child involved with this mess... Life goes on around me.. and I just feel like invisible man.

First off, I can sympathize with this situation. My parents have fought for 32 years incesantly, and it is mainly because both sides of grandparents hate each other. My maternal grandparents and uncle acutually sued my parents, which was thrown out of court 5 years later.

I was in a serious relationship once in which my dad and grandfather hated my girlfriend with a passion. They would constantly tell me what a low life she was and how stupid I was for dating her. Her family was not particularly fond of my family either. It makes for a tough situation.

My advice to you is not to end the relationship. No offense, but if your mother is that intolerable, then she is the one with issues. You are to cling to your wife, she is now your responsibility to cherish and love till death do you part. I love my mother dearly, but if she were to cause a problem in my marriage one day, I would quickly put her in her place. If you love your wife, go to her and tell her how you feel. Ask her what you can do to make things better. For Pete's sake, go to a counselor for this. The first years of marriage are the toughest. That which does not kill us, only makes us stronger. If you can work together and work things out, your marriage will thrive and become much stronger. It really sound, forgive me if I am wrong, like your mother is trying to sabotage your relationship.

I dont mean to offend or come across harshly, I just hate to see people who once care about each other end a relationship because of extraneous influences. Just my $0.02.

ACE

 

[daisygirl]

The first year of marriage is hard. I've been there myself.

Marriage is a committment and it is hard work (not all the time, but sometimes). You really should try to work things out with your wife. The in-laws really need to butt out of your lives. Also, you and your wife married each other, and not your respective in-laws. If I were you, I'd try to speak to your wife in a neutral enviornment (obviously not in the homes of the 'parents') and try to somehow come up with a plan on how you both will tackle your problems. You both need to strive to put your differences apart while figuring out how you are going to approach the problems that have gotten you to where you are right now. Good communication is the key to getting out of the bind that you are both in right now.

My mother-in-law was a huge pain in my ass. To give you an idea of just how much- I dated my husband for ~5 years before we were married. He is jewish (not religious though) and I'm catholic. His parents are orthodox jews. His mother was so ruffled that he would date (and potentially marry) a non-jew that she drove us both crazy. She would pester him and ask him when he was planning on finding a nice jewish girl to marry- and she was doing this while we were dating for the duration of the five years. Right before my husband and I were married, she blatantly told me to my face that I would never be accepted as a part of her family solely due to me not being jewish . Her statements were particularly malicious due to my very tumultuous upbringing (my family is a complete nightmare and I had essentially no 'real' family growing up). On a happier note, my husband and I have been married for five years and my mother-in-law did a 180 degree turn since she has been wonderful (for the most part- I don't have kids yet so we'll see if the ugly subject of religion rears its head again...) to me ever since.

Although your in-laws really need to learn that it is not their place to be abusive to either you or your wife; it is equally true that you and your wife will need to learn how to deal with the in-laws. You need to stick up for you wife and tell your mom that you won't deal with her abusive behavior towards your wife, and your wife needs to acquire a 'thicker skin' when it comes to dealing with your mom. In the meantime though, you and your wife really need to have a 'no holds bar' conversation as to why she is angry with YOU. Only then can both of you figure out how to approach this problem. I wish you both much luck.

 

[ScottDoc]

My thoughts......

I have been married for 9 yrs now. I remeber at 9 months we were still learning about this "new" dymanic. We stuck it out through some VERY rough times, but we were so successful because we were all alone in Chicago - where I went to school. No family to but in whenever they wanted to. We worked things out ourselves. We really did not fight though, just growing pains. Just consider it.

Also, you MUST sit your mother down and tell her how it will be. There is no compromise on this. Stay away from a counselor though, no real help there. You are not married to you rmom. Tell her you still love her but SHE must change. There is no blame to your wife unless she really did things wrong. But stay on your wife's side. You cannot live your life for your Mom, do it for your wife.

 

[taylor92107]

Don't give up!!!Almost everyone has in-law problems!! Honestley, I think this may be the #1 complaint among couples! My in-laws are a nightmare. The first time I met my husbands father he told my husband 'thank God you didn't bring home no God-damn Mexican'. Both my parents are Mexican. This was just the beginning of my father-in laws ignorant comments. At our wedding he got completely wasted and said 'all bit*hes want is money and sex'. He then went on to give some pretty vivid detailes about his sex life with his wife. To this day, he refuses to apologize, saying he did nothing wrong.
If you want to save your relationship you need to take your wife's side and tell your mother you're not going to tolerate this anymore.
Also, your wife has to learn to deal with her in-laws and you have to deal with yours (but only to a certain degree!). BUT.....neither of you have to put up with abuse from them! Sit down with your wife and set boundaries. If your at a family function, and an in-law says something inappropriate, then get up and leave.
If you divorce you wife, do you really think this is not going to happen in your next relationship? If your parents can't learn to respect your wishes, what makes you think they will ever change? Don't run from the situation by getting a divorce because this problem is not going to go away. WORK IT OUT WITH YOUR WIFE. In the end, this will only make your relationship stronger. It took my husband and I well over 1 year to finally come to an agreement about issues with his parents. I still get pissed and irritated at my in-laws but when you get married, you make a commitment.
Just remember, there are tons of other people out there who have been in the same situation as you. Trust me, its worth it to work it out! (At least you don't have to put up with racial slurs!! )
Good luck

 

[Neuronix]

My father was married to my mother for 17 years. For almost all of it she was completely stuck on what her parents (especially her mother) thought. It never got better. My dad worked his tail off so he wouldn't have to deal with her (partially because of this issue) and was very unhappy. I wondered as a child why they didn't get divorced sooner. I know now that it was because of me.

I'm sorry for you. I truely am. My opinion is that you need to work this out with your wife. I agree with other posters that you need to be 100% behind her, BUT I don't think you need to be 100% behind her parents. If she cannot be her own person, I don't know how she ever will. Yes, counseling may help this madness, and I would give it a try. Still, stand up for yourself. Stand up for the fact that marriage is a union of two people, not two people and their parents. Stand up to your parents. Stand up to her parents. I would divorce my parents before I would ever divorce my wife. I think you need to decide which is more important to you.

I've just seen this too many times now, because all of the women in my mom's side of the family are like this. If you're thinking about a man or a woman and they seem to be too interested in how their parents feel about their relationship, worry. Alot.

 

[principessa]

Rein in your abusive mother!!! I'm not even married, but I know if my fiance let his mother abuse me I would feel so betrayed. Your wife should be your first priority in all this. It sounds like she needs to tell her parents to back off, too. You guys need time to work this out on your own, without interference from parents. Don't give up on it so easily - this is your wife, not your girlfriend, and divorce is very different from breaking up.

 

[jennie 21]

I think both of you (you and your wife) need to work on separating from your parents a bit and putting your marriage first. Your wife needs to know that she comes first with you, and vice versa. And the two of you need to start acting like a team when dealing with things. She must know you are on her side, not your mother's, and you must know she is on your side and not against you. As long as you two stand as a team and stand behind each other you can handle anything. That's a big part of what's so wonderful about marriage; it gives you a partner with whom you can handle whatever comes up in life. As long as you stand together, there's nothing you can't solve. However, your ability to act as a team is seriously eroded when one of you puts a higher priority on your parents than on the other person. If your wife feels that you are on your mom's side against her, she will start to attack you in order to defend herself and nothing productive will come of it. Bottom line, you both have to know you come first to each other. That's the most important thing.

I'm recently married (6 weeks) and dealing with many of the same issues re: intrusive in-laws. What my husband and I have figured out is that we have to stand together and act as a team. He's made it clear that I'm number 1 with him, and as long as I know that, it's much easier to handle anything else that comes up. I can be supportive and understanding and help him a lot more as long as I know he's on my side, not his mother's.

I can't tell you how important I think it is that you both have each other's back and be each other's top priority and that you collaborate and approach things as a team. Set some boundaries with both sets of parents; stop talking to them for awhile if you absolutely have to, and take the time you need to re-connect with each other and rebuild your relationship.

I really feel for you; it sounds like you're going through hell right now what with the separation and all. It may feel hopeless, but it isn't. I believe you can work this out with your wife if you want to. You say you still love your wife. That's worth fighting for. YOU CAN WORK THIS OUT. Good luck.

 

[katnapper]

Everyone, I tried real hard. Her side of family is not moved at all. My wife is the only child that they had and the tight-knit threesome have decided that the families aren't compatible at all. They literally kicked me out and want time to think things over. It's separation for now. 9 months of marriage and now we're this? I don't feel like doing anything... I've sleeping in motels and now I just feel like ending it all! I am only glad that there was no child involved with this mess... Life goes on around me.. and I just feel like invisible man.

So, I know that everyone is putting in their personal stories of triumph, or distress, or regret. . .but. . .

How are you doing? Who do you have around to support you? Do you have someone you know you can talk to who won't "take sides" the way that your own family might? Friends? Just concerned.

 

[thegosis]

Thank you everyone. I really appreciate all your concerns and advice. I wish I had come to seek advice before all this began last week. I could kick myself for not seeking advice. When they asked me to leave, my world just fell apart. I felt like the biggest failure. I'd never experienced anything like this. It was the worst day of my life. My wife just looked at me with sad eyes but said nothing and did nothing. Her father was trying to console me, but it was him who demanded the keys back and saw me off the front door. Yes, I cried and it was dark outside. There had been a thunderstorm just a few minutes ago and the steam was coming off the road. I didn't know what to do then.

My parents live overseas and I don't have that many friends around town except co-workers. Some of my faculty have been listening and sympathetic towards me but what can they do? One thought that I might be going through depression: lack of sleep, appetite, nightmares and generally feeling down. How can I see patients when I am in this mess?

I have managed to find a room and board since then. I keep sending emails to my wife. She doesn't reply back to them. Phonecalls are not answered. Text messages are not answered. I can try and try...

 

[daisygirl]

Thank you everyone. I really appreciate all your concerns and advice. I wish I had come to seek advice before all this began last week. I could kick myself for not seeking advice. When they asked me to leave, my world just fell apart. I felt like the biggest failure. I'd never experienced anything like this. It was the worst day of my life. My wife just looked at me with sad eyes but said nothing and did nothing. Her father was trying to console me, but it was him who demanded the keys back and saw me off the front door. Yes, I cried and it was dark outside. There had been a thunderstorm just a few minutes ago and the steam was coming off the road. I didn't know what to do then.

My parents live overseas and I don't have that many friends around town except co-workers. Some of my faculty have been listening and sympathetic towards me but what can they do? One thought that I might be going through depression: lack of sleep, appetite, nightmares and generally feeling down. How can I see patients when I am in this mess?

I have managed to find a room and board since then. I keep sending emails to my wife. She doesn't reply back to them. Phonecalls are not answered. Text messages are not answered. I can try and try...

I'm really sorry for your predicament. It seems that you are trying your best. I hope that you and your wife are able to reconcile.

I didn't realize the extent to which her parents are involved. They really need to butt out of the relationship between you and your wife, and it seems that your wife isn't helping since she is hiding behind the door of her parents home. Hopefully, she will realize that she needs to approach this matter in a more mature manner- she doesn't seem like she is from what you are saying.

Be strong, and remember that no matter how bad things get, eventually things do get better.

 

[taylor92107]

Honestly, I think it sucks that your wife doesn't seem to be trying to help this situation. She should understand that your under a tremendous amount of stress. Regardless, if you can't reach her by phone, etc, go talk to her. Keep us updated on how you're doing.

 

[stinkycheese]

Second, and don't take this the wrong way, but... you really need to stand with your wife 100%. I know, it sounds dumb, but when you marry someone, your allegience needs to change. You go from being a son to a husband. You've started your own family, and your wife NEEDS to know that you are always behind her, 100%. If she can't feel that support from you, or if she feels that you are siding with your mother against her, then your marriage really will fail, since your wife won't know whether you are for her or against her.

I agree completely. I would venture to say the problem IS you: you are not standing with your wife, but are trying to mediate. Your wife is your priority and you need to tell your mother to mind her own business. If your mother cannot or will not do that, then shut her out until she grows up. It's your wife, your life, and your family. Your mom needs to cut the cord, and you need to be an adult and stand up to her.

 

[Neuronix]

I've been thinking about this some more...

Do you and your wife live with her parents? If so, your wife has to decide to move with you if she ever wants the relationship back. It's unfortuntate, but I think she holds the cards. If she blames her parents for not coming to be with you, she's using them as a scapegoat. If not, how dare they that they asked you to leave. In the case that you didn't live with them, you should have told her parents you weren't leaving. Stand up for yourself and your marriage within reason and legal bounds. If your wife wants your relationship to end, she can move out.

Anyway, I'm very sorry for you, and I hope things work out for you to be in happiness, whichever way your relationship turns out.

 

[thegosis]

We've been living with her parents since we got married. It was partly my inability to see the potential problem of living with her parents - I thought we could work through it... I ended up insisting we take that kind of living arrangements until we had our own place. She didn't want to pay rental because she was already paying the mortgage at her parents' place (all three of them had their names on the house), so the idea of moving out to an apartment was rejected. We decided to stay until we found a reasonably cheaper house/townhome or wait until I graduate and get a job or she gets promoted... it was a real do-able situation.

I vented out on one of my sympathetic faculty advisors and she suggested I goto student health... and speak to one of the psychiatrists with regards to my possible depression... perhaps Ambien may help me with sleep? (Still waking up at 3am). It turned out that there was no psychiatrist available in the office and the secretary had no clue and kept saying I needed an appointment in a week or two to see whoever was in charge of psychiatry for students. I didn't feel like telling that secretary that I had thought about potential suicidal tendency and the my needs to sleep at night, that's right, she's not even qualified to listen to me. I just walked out.

I think I am beginning to accept that she wasn't the right one for me. May be I wasn't right for her either. I guess right now, I just need a hug from anyone and tell me that it's going to be alright... thanks for listening people and have a safe weekend. Signing out.

 

[thewebthsp]

I wonder how old you guys are... sorry to hear about your problems thegosis. Yeah, I'd definitely try and see a psych and counselor about the issues you're going through. I have a very low opinion of your wife for completely avoiding you when possible counseling with everyone might help the situation. Let us know what happens -- and good luck.

As far as the Jewish-Christian thing DaisyGirl, you should know that in Orthodox Judaism if someone intermarries they and all their descendants are supposedly considered dead to the family (for the most part). Maybe that's why a lot of people don't like the isolationism of (orthodox/conservative strains of) Jewish religion, but it has to do with the survival of the culture, and when it comes to that Judaism is extremely selfish in trying to preserve its self interest. My opinion is that your autonomy is paramount and so if you and your husband decided to be a non-Jewish or secular household you have a right to it. Just wanted to point out that that isn't solely an in-law issue.

 

[daisygirl]

I didn't feel like telling that secretary that I had thought about potential suicidal tendency and the my needs to sleep at night, that's right, she's not even qualified to listen to me. I just walked out.

thegosis-

Please make sure you get help. Nothing is worth killing yourself over- NOTHING. I really feel for you. It must be really hard not having your family around to help you right now (you mentioned they were overseas). If you have any suicide thoughts, make sure you drive yourself to the nearest emergency room. Some larger hospitals have a psychiatric emergency room and the physicians will help you. Sometimes life really can feel like it is 'caving' in on you, but I assure you that feelings like this pass.

Again, please get help if you are having any thoughts of suicide. Make an appointment to see a pyschiatrist or go to the hospital. Your life is worth too much, even if you don't feel that it is at the moment.

 

[im4real]

I have to agree that the first year of marriage is the toughest and adding medical school or residency is no easy task, no doubt.

What I do know from being married to my husband even before medical school is that if you stop communicating, nothing gets resolved and more anger festers within. Things end up getting blown out of proportion.

I truly hope you two can find a medium to which you can converse. I truly believe in siding with your spouse over parents though. Cleave to your spouse, and break strings from the parents. That is the BEST decision we EVER made for our family unit. It's made us stronger by doing everything independently of our parents. We ask our parents for no favors, and we owe them nothing, except our love and respect.

I hope this makes sense. This too shall pass... but whatever I can suggest to you all is to keep the communication ongoing and don't stop speaking or being with one another. I hope you are having a better day today.

Sincerely,
Christy

 

[thackl]

I wanted to marry my first true love. After two yrs of dating, I realized her manipulative, overbearing, meddling mother would someday be the end of us. I was also worried she would end up being like her mother as she aged. It broke my heart (and there is still a little empty spot there), but I ended it.

In-laws make a huge difference. The ones I have now are great. I wish you luck. Please get help/counseling. Invite her to come. Be careful about the meds. I feel they are for people who are depressed/anxious at times they shouldn't be. You have reason to be right now. You need to connect with the emotions to work through this (with the help of a professional) and have a long term resolution. Good luck.

 

[monchi]

Hi Thegosis,
I'm living with my fiancee and his family right now, so that we don't have to pay rent. But, this is possible because his parents are great - they respect us as adults. If it were my parents, however, I know that there is absolutely no way it would work out. I love my parents, but in close quarters they cannot separate me from the 4yo version of me they have in their minds. If my fiancee's parents weren't so great, then we would not be living with them, no matter what the cost.
Look, it's tough to assert your independence from "traditional" parents - no matter what religion or culture. I used to "hide" things from my parents. For ex, I lived with an ex-boyfriend, and didn't officially tell my parents. Well, I don't do things like that anymore. I tell them everything, whether they like it or not. And what I've found is (believe it or not) yes, they get upset, but they haven't disowned me, they love me, and they still talk to me! When they become critical, I tell them, as hard as it is, I remind them that I am living my own life now, and if they want to continue to be a part of it, they need to not be critical. This sounds harsh, but I've found being honest and truthful has made my relationship better with them. I admit it also helps that I live 900 miles away.
Another point: The love your parents have for you, and that you will have for your children, is unconditional. You may feel guilty or they may make you feel that way, but really, a parent's love is just about the only thing you can safely take for granted. This is how the mothers of murderers can still love them! I'm not saying to take advantage of this, but it is true.
However, the love a husband and wife share is NOT unconditional. It is based on a commitment to each other, and a promise to make each other and the new family bond you are forming, the most important thing in your lives. This means BOTH you AND your wife need to make that commitment and priority. Otherwise, it is not an equal relationship, on equal footing.
My last 2 cents is: No matter what happens with your wife, if you do not make yourself an independent identity from your parents, if you do not prioritize the commitment made in a marriage, then all your relationships will have the same problems. (The same goes for your wife).

Thegosis, find a counselor. Friends and co-workers may listen, but no matter how close or empathetic they are, they do have their own problems and issues. I wish you the best.

 

[jennie 21]

Hey thegosis--I'm so sorry about what you're going through. How are you doing? I'm concerned about you--in one of your posts you mention suicidal thoughts. Please listen to DaisyGirl--no problem in your life could ever be worth doing that. I know you've already tried to see a psychiatrist through student health, but please keep trying to see someone. If not through student health then somewhere else. If you find you're still thinking about suicide, please call 911 or get yourself to the ER. You're going through some incredibly hard things and you're not in your normal frame of mind right now. Please don't do anything to hurt yourself. Things will get better for you. I'm glad you have some friendly professors you feel comfortable talking to--is there any way you can get in touch with your family overseas? I'm sure they'd be very concerned and want to know what's going on and to help you in any way possible. Right now, your first priority has to be on taking care of yourself and your health--everything else can wait. Please let us know how you're doing. You have a lot of people who are pulling for you.

 

[thegosis]

Hey thegosis--I'm so sorry about what you're going through. How are you doing? I'm concerned about you--in one of your posts you mention suicidal thoughts. Please listen to DaisyGirl--no problem in your life could ever be worth doing that. I know you've already tried to see a psychiatrist through student health, but please keep trying to see someone. If not through student health then somewhere else. If you find you're still thinking about suicide, please call 911 or get yourself to the ER. You're going through some incredibly hard things and you're not in your normal frame of mind right now. Please don't do anything to hurt yourself. Things will get better for you. I'm glad you have some friendly professors you feel comfortable talking to--is there any way you can get in touch with your family overseas? I'm sure they'd be very concerned and want to know what's going on and to help you in any way possible. Right now, your first priority has to be on taking care of yourself and your health--everything else can wait. Please let us know how you're doing. You have a lot of people who are pulling for you.

Everyone, thanks again for thinking of me. I'm forever thankful for your concerns. The weekend was tough for me. I didn't get any phone calls or visits from anyone, especially from my wife. It looks like she doesn't care about me anymore. I went for a breeze in a local shopping mall where we used to go to kill some time... saw a movie by myself at last... had a burger all by myself (the serving girl had a hard time keeping up with me ordering and leaving in about 10 minutes - talk about a fast food)... it was strange feeling re-visiting the similar places all alone. I almost felt like she was standing next to me or sitting in front of me... I guess I was mostly walking daydreaming. It was especially difficult to see a happy couple walking by. It just made me feel like the biggest and dumbest loser. I was sad. I didn't know how to console myself.

My sleeping patterns are getting better. I saw the psych at the student health on monday morning... he asked me to promise him that I wouldn't do anything abrupt (e.g quit school, hurting myself) and that time perhaps is the answer right now. I don't know why, but I keep getting upset whenever my mother calls back tellilng me this was for the best. I know it upsets her and it hurts me to upset her, but I want to bring it home to her that I wasn't happy with her. I feel really bad about it and the only person who deserves all the blame is probably me. Am I too selfish? The psych and I had a good talk and he concluded that I was more sad/grief than depressed at this stage. he thought that was normal for anyone in my situation. perhaps I am at a loss of my previous lifestyle? loss of a loved one? loss of self-esteem?

i texted her again: "i miss you"

 

[thegosis]

The end of the road... everyone, I received an email from her lawyer outlining the divorce proceedings. I don't know how to describe what I am feeling or going through? Inevitable was impossible; I feel so sad. The impending doom... Do I deserve this? Is it really worth to go on and live? Everything is so pointless to me... I am exhausted.

Thanks everyone for keeping up with me. Hope you all take care of your husbands/wives and hope that tragedy like this never happens to anyone of you. Goodbye.

 

[Su4n2]

hey thegosis, don't goodbye us , stay on here and talk to us.man i once went theough something that i didn't think life was worth it w/o a person, but time healed my wounds and i found someone else whom i love much more because i grew as a person... please don't do anything rash. if you don't want to talk on a public forum, PM me and we will talk. susan

 

[pathdr2b]

The end of the road... everyone, I received an email from her lawyer outlining the divorce proceedings..

Hey thegosis!

Make another appointment if you need to. I've been through divorce myself and I can tell you from experience that as terrible as things seems now, it WILL get better. But I won't lie to you, it is going to take some time, good counseling, and people around you who love you. Take a leave of absence from school if you have to but whatever you do please don't do anything rash. Hang in there!!!!

 

[jennie 21]

Hey thegosis, I am so sorry to hear about what's happening to you. I don't know what to say. I can't imagine how you must feel right now. Just please take care of yourself, don't do anything rash which you can't take back later. Make another appointment with that psychiatrist--sounds like it helped a little. Please stay safe, and let us know how you're doing. It may not seem like it right now, but with time you will feel better and life will seem worth living again. You're not to blame for all of this...a marriage is two people and it's at least half her fault as well. Don't go thinking you're worthless or life's not worth living. It is worth living, and you will even find love again someday when you're ready, though that may be the furthest thought from your mind now. Please take care of yourself, and let us know you're okay.

 

[irlandesa]

oh wow, I'm so sorry..Although the blame never lies w/one person in these types of situations, it seems that she is being very unreasonable. Yes, your mother may have been out of line, but she is thousands of miles away and can not possibly impact your wife's life and feelings in the way that her parents caused hurt to you (b/c you saw them EVERY day). Forcing someone to live in a motel and refusing to respond to any kind of communication is just inexcusable unless you were physically or emotionally abusive to her. If you want to let her know that you are willing to do whatever you can to repair things you might want to try, but it seems that she isn't willing to respond. As for the suicidal thoughts, I've suffered from severe depression and been hospitalized and there is no shame in taking anti-depressants to help through the bad times. I've never been married, but went through a horrible break-up of a long-term relationship where I had to move home for a time and didn't date again for years. Hang in there, and don't give up on life; if you want to talk about depression or anything you can PM me anytime.

 

[TekkenDanser]

There are so many people who sympathize and empathize with you. Surround yourself with such people whether in your vicinity (colleagues, friends, family members) or through this forum. It is so important that you maintain a support group no matter how compelled you feel to isolate yourself.

I think you have declared that this is the end of your relationship as indicated by the divorce proceedings. Do you agree that the relationship should end as she seems to feel? If so, then within yourself, you need to begin growing more independent and envisioning life without your wife, and life does continue (believe: suicide is out of the question). If not, rise to the challenge of reconciling with her and repairing wounds. As of now, it seems that you are very torn by the indecision to fight for the relationship or to let it end. Make a decision regarding this, commit to that decision, and then you will know where to go from there.

 

[CoffeeMug]

Your situation is a perfect indication that the whole thing was a mistake from day one and there should have been no marriage in the first place. Accept the circumstances and do something new, something you've never done before. Diving, mountain climbing, martial arts, model rocketry, anything that'll get you to meet new, intelligent people (not student doctor intelligent, Paul Allen intelligent). The pain will be over before you know it.

Oh and never ever live with the girl's parents again.

 

[ArmCandy]

Your situation is a perfect indication that the whole thing was a mistake from day one and there should have been no marriage in the first place. Accept the circumstances and do something new, something you've never done before. Diving, mountain climbing, martial arts, model rocketry, anything that'll get you to meet new, intelligent people (not student doctor intelligent, Paul Allen intelligent). The pain will be over before you know it.

Oh and never ever live with the girl's parents again.

Nice attempt at tough love. Someone tells you that there whole world is falling apart. And you say well you should'nt have got yourself in that situation. But it'll get better. That's right kick em' in the balls, but then pat em' on the head. Good strategy.

Anyway, my wife was married once before. Her marriage went south and she too thought it was the end of the world, but the truth is that it was'nt. I think most people feel demoralized in that situation, so your not alone. Now she says she's 1000 times happier. My point is if it's getting that crazy your better of seeing what else is out there you might be surprized.

 

[djohnston]

thegosis-

hey man, I feel for ya. don't despair. Things will get better. I'm pullin for ya

 

[CoffeeMug]

Someone tells you that there whole world is falling apart.

Good for him. He's now free to do anything. He can go climb Sierra mountains, get a job on an oil platform in the middle of the Arctic Ocean, go to Tibet and study with the monks, join one of the teams competing for the X-prize, work on a cruise ship for a year, etc. etc. etc.

And you say well you should'nt have got yourself in that situation.

Aside from the fact that living with the girl's parents is a pretty stupid thing to do, most marriages that end in a divorce were a bad idea from day one (as is usually evident to friends and family). He made a mistake, he should recognize it. There is no benefit in pretending it's nobody's fault and things just happened that way. The universe is indifferent. You have to take control of your own life.

 

[Eyegirl2k7]

Thegosis,
Stay strong and pm me if you want to talk. I just went through a divorce (I'm 23) and have had the worst summer of my life. At times I was terribly despondent. But now, day by day life is getting better and I'm starting to be okay. If you need to talk to someone who's been there, let me know.

Luv,
Eyegirl.

 

[thegosis]

The (ex)wife is now talking annulment of marriage... boy, it's getting better and better everyday. I don't feel too bad for her anymore for some reason. I just want to continue with my plans and studies now. I want peace. It seems all she wants (or her family wants) is pure hatred and more hatred for me. It looks like this time, love (which I doubt was ever there) lost out big time. I don't think I will ever forget what happened this summer. It was the worst of all summer in my living memory (out of 28 years). I wanted to end it all on amicable terms, but somehow everything she and her attorney are saying are of threatening nature. Why oh why? All the good times we had together... all gone in a puff of legalese formulated by the lawyers to strike fear into hearts. Now I know why I didn't want to get into law in the first place. They simply don't like the rest of the humanity. God bless their cotton socks!

 

[jennie 21]

God, thegosis, I'm sorry...sounds like you're doing at least a little better though. Feeling angry is better than feeling like life's not worth living...you will move on and this will begin to fade as you move on with your life. You'll be okay. I'm sorry you're going through this, though.

 

[curlybabe]

Hey Thegosis,

You are not alone...because lot's of people have been there including myself. I am going through the same thing. Everything my soon to be ex-husband does is threatening, rude, and absolutely nasty. And guess what I hated my mother in-law because she is a manipulative and selfish person who raised her son to serve her. I never imagined that it would happen to me but somehow I feel relieved because he did not want to work it out all he wanted to do is run to his mother and left me alone on holidays and many other days. One day I just realized that it's better to be alone then to be miserable with someone like that. Even though the paperwork just started I feel free from him and his controlling and sick ways. Believe me you will also get to that point where you will realize how lucky you are that you are getting rid of her after 9 months and not 9 years because ultimately the result would be the same.

 

[neuronerd]

Hey Thegosis,

I hope you read all these posts because I've been dying to write something. Your (ex)wife is first of being CONTROLLED by her family. I bet you anything that these hateful feelings that she has are being fed to her by her family. When my boyfriend of seven years broke up, it was a horrible horrible horrible and violent breakup (both of our faults, we were young). He would email me all these nice things and my family would go on and on about how he's trying to manipulate me and all this garbage. Of course they thought that it was for my own good . . .but that's just it . . . I SHOULD HAVE BEEN MAKING THE DECISIONS.
All my boyfriends sweet apologies only ignited me and my parents "told you we're better than him" fire. After he stopped writing and began to live his own life . . .I crawled back to him like a thirsty man in the desert. Lucky for me, he was stupid enough to take me back and we are happy because my parents have NO say in what I decide. We are so mature now and get along like a pea in a pod. Although my parents' opinions are more than respected and welcomed.
Basically, what I'm trying to say is . . .don't be sheepish. Be strong and hold your ground. Either she will see this new you and you can start over or your strength won't let her and her attorneys crawl all over you. Don't be surprised with things such as alimony payments, etc . . .many of my friends that are doctors have had this happen to them . . .you (obviously by the first post that you made and subsequent posts after) are extremely intellegent, so do NOT give in to their hatred. Brush it off as them being mental (which they are like me and my parents were) and live your life with hardships and all. You will succeed and their hatred will make them miserable.
Live long and prosper (don't know why I just said that . . seemed appropriate)

 

[thegosis]

Hey Thegosis,
I hope you read all these posts because I've been dying to write something....You will succeed and their hatred will make them miserable.
Live long and prosper (don't know why I just said that . . seemed appropriate)

Hi neuronerd

I haven't been back to the forums lately. Imagine my surprise to see that some people still take time to write! Thank you, thank you so much. I read your post and, believe me, it made me feel a lot better. It's been 3 months since the break up, and it still hurts. My friends are incredibly helpful and sympathetic... although at times I burn with envy that everyone elses' lives are so much better than mine... she is still calling our marriage last year a sham marriage and refusing to leave half of our joint account funds... I have a feeling that unless I back down, it will be a long battle ahead with litigation. I am scared of litigation and also sad about it. Has it really come to this?

It may sound so stupid, but I have been missing female company lately. Am I too premature to think about dating again or is it normal? Most of my close friends say that I should date when I feel that I am ready, but as desperate as I feel sometimes, I don't think I have enough courage to ask someone out again, knowing what I am going through... I guess this is a sign that I am not ready yet...

This is the worst year of my life and I've just celebrated my 29th birthday with mixed emotion of failure/re-birth of a new life...

Despite all this... I am still an optimist. I believe in second chance and I know I will be back on the saddle again. It's so difficult though, knowing my situation.

Thanks once again and please pray for me.

Yours truly,

 

[thewebthsp]

You'll be fine. Get a lawyer.

 

[brains]

Hang in there Eventually you will find out whether you two were meant to be. I know it hurts though and the stress builds up. But nothing is ever as bad as it seems. I know whenever I have a serious fight with my b/f, it feels like the world is ending. But it really isn't. And if your wife wants to give you the respect you deserve and appreciate your efforts in trying to stay together, then that's great; but if not, then at least you KNOW you tried and there's a lot more out there for you.

Keep your head straight and try to take care of your patients because they really need you.

 

[thegosis]

UPDATE!

I've finally made it through the school! I'll be graduating next week. I've been dreaming for this day. I don't know how I made it through. But I am still alive and standing. The divorce hasn't started yet. But at least I am happier now. I am also feeling more confident that I could survive such an emotional roller coster.

Now, only if I could find job openings on oil rigs in the classifieds... I will start next month!

Those who really read through this post... thanks. You guys and girls saved my life... and thanks a ton for those virtual hugs.

 

[ocdentist]

Hey thegosis

Wish you luck for a brand new and a much better life after your graduation.If you have faced all this hardship by now I am sure you will be incredibly successful in future and am sure you will find someone special soon

 

[TOdentist]

CONGRATS!!! Hey if you can make it through this year, you're more than prepared to handle anything life throws your way!

I admire your strength for making it through the year, good luck!

 

[LADoc00]

you should know that in Orthodox Judaism if someone intermarries they and all their descendants are supposedly considered dead to the family (for the most part). .

That seems extreme. Kind of. What happens if these relatives show up to holidays, do the Orthodox Jews have to proclaim that they "see dead people?" What do they tell their kids when confronted with the reality that Uncle Dave isnt really dead?? What happens if their kids see Uncle Dave (the supposedly dead one) walking around the Jewish part of West LA?? Chaos!

 

[thegosis]

It's been a while since I last wrote in the forum... I am glad to let you know that the divorce was completed last year without any problem. I am now in a residency and half way through it. Never have I had so much hope for the future! Thanks to those who cared!

 

[Wanna_B_Scutty]

It's been a while since I last wrote in the forum... I am glad to let you know that the divorce was completed last year without any problem. I am now in a residency and half way through it. Never have I had so much hope for the future! Thanks to those who cared!

I just read through this thread-- what a tough story.

But it's great to hear that you're doing so well now. What residency are you pursuing? Have you been able to start dating again? If so, how has that gone? Just in general, how has life worked out for you?

 

[thegosis]

I am pursuing residency that is "9 to 5" which is very nice. Minimal stress and not so much on-call. Recently I met a lovely girl who doesn't seem to mind my past. I am so thankful for her! Thanks for asking!