Would you attempt a long distance relationship under these circumstances?

[GrammCracker]

So Match Day threw us for a loop. I'll be doing my residency approximately 200 miles away from where I am now. The girl I am dating will be stuck in our current city for 2 more years because she's in grad school. Right now we've been dating for ~4 months and by the time I leave for residency it will be 7 months.

Although we live in the same city right now, we see each other perhaps two days a week just because we're both busy with school and also we enjoy our own space. But when we hang out together, we make the best of it, enjoy each other's company, and don't make a big deal about little petty things.

With those basic facts, would you attempt a long distance relationship if you were in our positions and really cared about each other? Or would you just end it right now?

I can definitely see myself longterm with this girl because she's everything I wanted and more. The ****ty part of the LDR would be driving and loss of spontaneity. It's not like we see each other every day currently so that won't be a huge change if we go long distance.

I don't know, I guess I just want some opinions. Would you at least give it a shot? Thanks!

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[WhtsThFrequency]

Of course! 200 miles is nothing if you're dedicated. You could practically see each other every weekend if you alternated driving. Hell, give it a shot. I'm currently 1200 miles away from mine. We see each other every 2 months, and its still awesome (and in terms of relationship "novelty", we started being LD at approximately 4 months of actual dating, though I had known him longer. Our one year anniversary is next week) . It totally depends on the relationship, but try it. If its the right person, it will work. And it seems like a healthy relationship. If it works, great. If it doesn't sucks. But give it a try.

 

[smq123]

With those basic facts, would you attempt a long distance relationship if you were in our positions and really cared about each other?

Why not give it a try? What do you have to lose?

 

[GrammCracker]

You could practically see each other every weekend if you alternated driving.

But is that even feasible? Are there really "weekends" in residency? Sorry to be pessimistic but I'm just trying to see how this can work.

 

[WhtsThFrequency]

It depends what specialty you're in, I guess. I was more saying the distance is quite driveable, so you wouldn't have to worry about plane tickets, flight scheduling, etc - which can be much more difficult during residency.

It sounds as if, if you already are thinking you wouldn't have much free time, it wouldn't matter how far you are apart anyways. So, does the distance really matter?

Also, right now, you don't actually know how busy you will be, so it would be pointless to call it of just because you *think* you'd have no time. At least give it a shot, since you seem to really like this gal.

 

[GrammCracker]

It depends what specialty you're in, I guess.

I'm doing psych and this program is known to be very family friendly so maybe I'll have more free time than I imagine?

Yeah, I really like her and I really really want to give it a try. But I'm trying not to get my hopes up so I guess that's why I'm being so pessimistic. That's probably not the right approach. She's had bad luck with long distance relationships in the past so I have to admit that I'm nervous that she'll throw in the towel prematurely and won't want to try. I don't know what to do about that.

 

[WhtsThFrequency]

If she's had bad luck in the past, that's a great reason to sit down and thoroughly discuss it. What happened that made her nervous about LDRs? Was she cheated on? Did communication go awry? Talk about what would make her "throw in the towel" early, or what would make her (or you) unsure as the relationship progressed. Sit down over a good dinner and have a serious talk.

Planning is the biggest part - agree on how much communication you want or need (talking every day is the best for some, others are ok with a few times a week), how often you would like to see each other, and all that. Personally, I am a huge fan of the written word. Sending letters is a great way to keep things alive, even if you already talk on the phone a lot. There is nothing nicer than seeing a card in the mail after a hard day.

 

[J ROD]

A LDR in residency would be hard....

Psy is one of the best to try it with though. So, I say you never know unless you try. But, she would probably have to drive more to see you since she should have more time than you.

 

[fleetgoddess]

.........

 

[GrammCracker]

Soooooo we talked about it. We both agree that it sucks and difficult since we're both busy. But since we get along so great and really don't want to date anyone else, we figure we'll stick together right now and continue on as normal. If things are still going well when I leave, then we agreed to try the LDR. My major concern is that she actually may be somewhat busier than me for a while due to her lab. I may actually have to be the one doing most of the traveling for a while.

I guess the bright side is that there are approx 10 buses/day that go back and forth between our 2 cities so if I get tired of driving... And it's only $60 roundtrip! Probably cheaper than driving my own car actually..

 

[J ROD]

Soooooo we talked about it. We both agree that it sucks and difficult since we're both busy. But since we get along so great and really don't want to date anyone else, we figure we'll stick together right now and continue on as normal. If things are still going well when I leave, then we agreed to try the LDR. My major concern is that she actually may be somewhat busier than me for a while due to her lab. I may actually have to be the one doing most of the traveling for a while.

I guess the bright side is that there are approx 10 buses/day that go back and forth between our 2 cities so if I get tired of driving... And it's only $60 roundtrip! Probably cheaper than driving my own car actually..

Sounds good....take the bus.

 

[GrammCracker]

Okay, I'm back again with more doubts. Is this normal?

In my opinion and based on my experience, long distance relationships don't work out unless there is a clear endpoint. For there to be a clear endpoint in my situation, I would have to successfully transfer out of my program after PGY2 to another one near to wherever she does her post-doc. What are the chances of that happening? To make matters worse, she's getting her PhD in a field where post-docs and job opportunities are slim so she won't get to pick and choose.

I don't want to enter into a LDR that's futile from the get-go because there is no crystal clear endpoint. Sigh.

 

[WhtsThFrequency]

I really think this is stuff better discussed with her, not us. Yes, some sort of endpoint is essential. However, that endpoint does not need to be set in stone - things change. Ie, I know we'll be done in 7 months or whatever, but whether that means him coming there, or us doing a little more time and then moving where he is, we dunno. We know there will be an endpoint, whether is is 7 months or 10 months or a year or whatever. Now if we knew it was gonna be like 6 or 7 years, we would say no-go. But we have a vague idea of an endpoint. The specifics can never be met for sure in anything when it comes to life.

But really....we can't possibly know how willing you two are to make it work. Only you know that.

 

[J ROD]

Okay, I'm back again with more doubts. Is this normal?

In my opinion and based on my experience, long distance relationships don't work out unless there is a clear endpoint. For there to be a clear endpoint in my situation, I would have to successfully transfer out of my program after PGY2 to another one near to wherever she does her post-doc. What are the chances of that happening? To make matters worse, she's getting her PhD in a field where post-docs and job opportunities are slim so she won't get to pick and choose.

I don't want to enter into a LDR that's futile from the get-go because there is no crystal clear endpoint. Sigh.

Love will find a way....or it is not.

 

[WhtsThFrequency]

Baleeted