Okay - I am female, an MSIV with a wonderful husband and an almost 2 y/o daughter....and planning on going into surgery. My husband is a full-time, self-employeed business man in town who gets contracted out by local banks for real-estate appraisals. We have a very good marraige and we have a blast together. Now - there are times I come right home and go to bed. These are the tougher months, like IM. There are times I am gone alot, but when I come home, I'm totally pumped - like surgery months. I think what helps us is that my husband doesn't sit home waiting for me to arrive in the evenings. He has his job and MANY hobbies that take up his time. That is just my situation.
Here is the situation I saw with men in my class who had wives/girlfriends - not all...but many....
Problems started because the SO's sat home all day wondering where hubby was. They made dinner and had it on the table at 6:30...and waited and waited. Geesh - get out there and get yourselves some hobbies. I know I'm being rude..but I feel I can, because I used to be one of those wives who did that before medical school. I taught school and was done by 4...well, where was my husband? I cooked, I cleaned, and I waited for him to come home in the evenings. I didn't have a life outside of teaching and my husband. I had no hobbies except for running. To be honest, I put tremendous pressure on him to be home with me...and beginning medical school was the best thing that could have ever happened to us. Now, since I am so busy, I understand when he has back-to-back inspections until daylight runs out...I understand when he comes home from hunting since 4am and crashes without saying a word. I understand when he's too stressed out to want to have sex. I never understood any of that before I had my own thing going.
I wish I had a dollar for every conversation I had with some male friends in my class that were having problems with their wives not understanding why they were gone so much. Their wives didn't understand that, usually, they couldn't get studying done at home, because their wives were being over-attentive and it was distracting. Their wives did nothing all day but stay home and take care of the kids...and the only adult interaction to be had was when hubby came home.......whenever he came home. Get out and get a life for yourself! If you have kids at home...it's not going to hurt them to be in day care a few hours a week so you can get a part time job. Go work at a bookstore, blockbuster....anywhere - just get out and be around people. Enroll in a class or something. You have to keep busy and keep living your life.
Now, here's another thing I learned my first year of medical school: No matter how great and supportive your SO is, unless they are a fellow student, they will NOT understand what you are going through. They won't understand the pressure involved with the fear of failure, the fear of owing all that money if you should fail out, and the fear of going back home and telling your parents that you couldn't cut it - after this had been your dream for so long. I don't think people realize that it isn't the course material that gets to you, it's the mental intimidation you subject yourself to as a medical student. Only those in your class will be able to understand at first how things truly are. After a medical student has established a routine and knows what to do to get the grades he/she wants....it's a bit easier. You no longer need so much support from your fellow students because you have things a little more in control. However, there will still be months that are tougher than others.
Do I think your list is demanding? No, I am female and I would love to hear those things. Do I think your list is unrealistic? Yeah, for the most part, I guess I do. My husband probably does a few of those things several times a year...and it's nice...but he's a guy...and they ARE different. They don't think like women and you can't MAKE them think like women. Love isn't anything like the love stories you see in the movies. It's day-to-day stuff that you do to live your life. It's house cleaning, cooking, bickering at times. It's trying to be fair with everything you do and think, but still being mistunderstood.
My husband and I were trying to think the other day about the last time we actually had a fight...we couldn't even remember. It's probably been years. That doesn't count our frustrations we have during certain situations...but those dissolve when he admits he's wrong!
And, I honestly think our comraderie (sp?) comes from both of us having our own lives. Yes, we have a great time together. I still get butterflies when he walks in the door. My belly gets woozy when I see it's him calling on the caller ID. We have 'romance' - but it's our romance....it's not what you read about or see on television. We have our special things we do that we enjoy and look forward to. Just because you and your SO have different lives, doesn't mean it's a lifeless relationship.
Seriously, though....my point is this - if you are committed to being involved with a medical student or resident - you'd better have something in your life besides that person, because you'll be spending a lot of time alone. It sounds negative....but it isn't. As a SO of a medical student, you really have the freedom and the time to do whatever you want. When I was scheduling my 4th year rotations, my husband actually asked me to schedule my away rotations during the winter months so he could go duck/goose hunting anytime he wanted without feeling guilty that he was gone. (I take my daughter with me because my out rotations are close to grandma.)
I've never been a spouse of a medical student. But, I've been a spouse of someone who makes the most of every second of daylight and doesn't want to step foot inside the house until the daylight is gone. I've had dinner waiting, I've rented movies....everything.....I expected him to be my entertainment when work was over. You must realize that medical students don't have the time or energy to constantly entertain anyone. Sure, we all expect quality time....but I fear that some SOs have very unrealistic expectations. This really does take a lot out of a person. Especially when you start...your mind is focused on this one thing only.
Be patient - they won't be medical students forever. Please don't pressure - it only causes resentment and guilt....which are big-time energy suckers for us when are already fatigued. Common courtesy isn't too much to expect, however. When your man is being a down right B*TCH...you have every right to tell him so!
