To move or not to move...that is the question

[Daisy6301]

I have a slight dilemna facing me. I just graduated from nursing school and got a job at a wonderful hospital in a wonderful city. My job is probably one of the best that I could get just out of school in the area that I want to work in. My problem is that my boyfriend of 1+ years is going to go to med school about 5 hours away. I am deeply in love with him and I definitely see things working out in the long run. I know that 5 hours is not quite as far away as some other places, however I don't have a car. I am afraid that I am never going to get to see him or talk to him because we will both be busy. We are both willing to try the LDR thing, but the ideal situation obviously would be for us to be in the same city. I am considering moving to the city he is in next year so that we can be together, but I don't know if I should leave my dream job. Nursing is thankfully a career you can take just about anywhere, but should I leave the great job here to move to a city where I will definitely be taking a pay cut? Is 4 years too long for a LDR to work? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

---

Members don't see this ad.

 

[Bomb#20]

I'll be five hours away from my boyfriend for the next 4 years too, he's going to MCP while I'm at VCU. We're both very committed, and I have a lot of faith in the relationship..especially since it's moving from CA/VA to PA/VA; much shorter distance now! We plan to see eachother as much as we can, but I won't have a car till February or March so I'll be taking the train most likely! There's also school holidays to spend together.
When I do get to see him, I cherish the time that much more because we were apart for so long. It really helps you get over the pointless things that so many relationships unfortunately end over, and communication skills are greatly enhanced.
Also, it might be better for both of our academic standings to be a little bit apart, lest we constantly distract eachother from our studies!
If you are apart, it is good that you'll both be busy to keep yourselves from depression, lonliness etc.
That's just my argument that I think 4 years isn't too long, though it's definately not for everyone.
You're going to have to really reassess your personal values to decide whether to stay or go: which is more important, money/career or being with your man?
It's a very hard choice to have to make, but life seems to like to mix things up a bit for us.

 

[Amma]

I dont think it would be a big deal if you started your new job and see how things go. Then, because you have a lot of flexability with nursing, you can look for a job where he is. My boyfriend and I are long distance too. And I am that one starting med school and he is looking for a job. He found one, but its not quite near me. However, he is going to start at what he found and work on finding something closer to me in St Louis. I think that it will all turn out ok becuase we are committed that we want to be together.
BUT- being apart and missing eachother is AWFUL!! I wouldnt do it too long if I had the choice.
Being apart though will make you realize if you really want to move, or not.
good luck with your decision.

 

[Katie]

I'm going to have to be the lone dissenter on this thread (I know I'll catch $#-+ for it from all the people and their "strong" relationships), but a 4-yr LDR is simply TOO long in the situation you are in. Also, your LDR could end up being more than 4 years because there is no guarentee that your bf will get a residency near you (even if you get married and continue to do the LDR while he finishes up med school, residency programs do not always match people where they request to go). Also, if all "goes well", chances are that many of the same problems that were part of the 4-yr LDR such as sexual/intimacy deprivation, not being able to share in daily life together and just spend time together, etc., will continue to persist during your bf/husband's residency as I'm sure you've seen the horrendous hours that residents work as a nurse. This adds up to 4+ years of a relationship that is not nearly as full and happy as it could be. 1-2 years of an LDR or even longer when people are only an hour or two apart and can see each other on the weekends seems do-able to me, but 4+ years of phone conversations and phone sex is too much to ask of human beings who have a need for physical contact (even just a hug) and something more than "I love you, honey" over the phone. This is just my opinion, but I know many of you on SDN are planning on the LDR, so let the bashing begin if you like! My final advice: make a decision as to which is more important to you, your job or bf. If the former, break off the relationship before your bf starts med school so that he will have time to adjust, but if he is more important, start making plans to move. If he is able to attend med school closer to where you are, that may be an option too. Good luck!

 

[Bomb#20]

I think it really depends on the person..Katie just showed the type that it probably wouldn't work for.
But mentioning that the LDR is an unfufilling relationship is the big key: in my mind, even though we're apart, I couldn't be happier with my relationship. I truely have someone I love, he loves me back, and we can have a great time just talking (we talk better than even me and my best girl friends ). I love the time that we're together, with physical contact, etc, but I'm not miserable when we're not, not going through the same old constant "I miss you" sulky routine that a lot of LDRs face. Our conversations aren't turned into depressing drivel, every time I speak to him now (and for the past 4 years) I'm incredibly happy. I love the feeling of being loved, and always having him there to run to when hard times come. I don't have to see him daily to be a part of my life, he already is. I really feel that he's the one I want to spend the rest of my life with, and I've never once regretted my choice.
But then again, no single path can accomodate everyone. This mine, just as proof that it can work. Some people can't function being physically around someone--there's nothing at all wrong with it, it's just that you're a different type of person, infact part of the majority. But please realize that though we are a minority, there are a few of us out there who make LDRs work, don't scare everyone away or some good relationships might be lost we and won't have anyone to sit at our table at lunch
As for me, all I know is I'm in love, and wouldn't trade it for the world.

 

[Daisy6301]

Thanks for all of the responses. They have all been helpful. I guess it's worth mentioning that our relationship did start out as an LDR sort of. We got together at the very end of the school year. He moved back home and I stayed at school (about 2 hours away) for the first 3 months of our relationship. It was hard, but I saw hom almost every weekend and sometimes in between. I know that we can handle a LDR based on those 3 months, however it's under much different circumstances.
As for what's more important, I would definitely choose him. Afterall, I can always get another job where he is. Plus if I leave on good terms where I am now I could always return there later I suppose.
Could anyone give me an idea of just how much time you actually have to talk on the phone or hang out with people your first year of med school?
Thanks!!

 

[vixen]

I'm not in medschool, but in a LDR....the relationship is 2.5yrs, the last year and this coming year will be LD. Make sure you have a phone plan that works for you, get a pc cam if you can, we see each other about a 3 days a month, and write letters/or send cards sometimes...its really nice....once in awhile my bf sends me flowers for no reason....stuff like that....this past year I was in school and he was working, so he came to visit me, and this coming year it'll be the opposite. If you want to make it work, it will...oh, and you def have to be able to trust each other...I think thats the key for LDR's.

 

[Starflyr]

My husband and I were in a LDR for almost 4 years. The first 3 years, it was TX to NY, the last year it was 5 hours apart in Tx. It worked out for us, though I know many people it did NOT work out for. You have to be willing to communicate even MORE than a "regular" relationship. Its hard, but if you *can* manage it, it makes your relationship stronger b/c you've had a lot of practice communicating. Hope this helps!

Star

 

[vixen]

Star,

Glad to see you back!!

 

[raj2002]

hi vixen!
hey this could turn into one of those hey hi! chain messages...
i agree that four years is a long time but hey you are going to see him now and again in that time aren't you? a 5 hour journey is not insurmountable every term or even several times a year. It depends a bit in making those trips worthwhile - make sure you've got loads to catch up on when you do em - this way you will always be coming back for more. All the things you enjoy should be looked forward to in their full. if you don't then there is a danger that over that much time, you'll only wear down the bond between you two with increasingly annoying visits - one of you may be tempted to revaluate the relationship in the course of this.
Of course love may well overcome all of that