Hey, I know this forum is about being fired. I'm not at that point, but I think that I certainly need to have that issue in the back of my mind given my circumstances...
In writing this I thought about keeping it short and simple. But because I am seeking advice, I tried to pack as much info into this as possible...
Here's my situation,
STORY
Halfway through my intern year I rotated with a faculty member, Dr. J, who felt that I would benefit from an additional X months of wards. I, too, felt that I was weak in my ward skills and agreed. These ward months would mean an extension of intern year and hence my residency.
Since then I started to work harder, read more, and work on the problems outlined by Dr. J. However, as the beginning of my extension period neared, I was approached by a senior resident who was adamant that I should not have been retained. His argument was that there were others in the program that were weaker than me. He also felt that I was much a stronger intern than he, himself, was at that point in his residency. In fact a few years earlier he was also asked to be retained, but instead he went to the Chief of the department, the PD and anyone else who would listen to him. The program yielded to his demands and he moved on with the rest of his class as R2. He was successful since then. With that said he urged me to refuse being retained and to move onward.
I thought carefully about what he said. Up until that point I had not really compared myself with anyone else in the program. After all, I was too busy trying to improve myself. A few days later one of my friends in the program, a fellow intern, told me that he knew 100% that my medical knowledge was far greater than his and he remained baffled as to why I had let myself be retained. Along with another friend, it was suggested that one reason that I was retained was because I had not networked efficiently enough - as compared to others in my intern class such as my friend.
With all of the above said, I was galvanized and decided to take the advice of the senior resident mentioned in paragraph 2. Unfortunately for me, the PD that the senior was replaced by is not my current PD "less cool". Either way, things worked out for me some what. The program put forward a new stipulation. I am to do X ward months back to back during which I will get evaluations from faculty attendings. At the end of the X months a committee made up of these attendings will meet and evaluate my performance. If I am ready to go on to be an R2 then the X extra months will count as a part of my second year (hence, I graduate on time with the rest of my class). If, however, my performance is not satisfactory then I am to repeat my intern year. Because I felt confident in my ability, I agreed to the stipulation.
Since then, my X number of ward months has begun. I've already rotated with Dr. J who, albeit reluctantly, agreed that I should progress to an R2 - under close supervision. According to him, I am doing what an R2 should be doing. Interestingly, he said that he didn't want me to feel singled out; or to feel that the program is out to get me. He also mentioned that I am not the only one retained and that there are others in my class who should have been retained but who did not rotate with him, and therefore he could not retain them. (geez thanx for telling me that
). Finally he mentioned that medical knowledge wise I was in the top third of my class, but as a decision maker was in the bottom third. (ok...so I'll work harder!)
However, I ran into difficulty into one of my later ward months. This rotation is with Dr. K. His evaluation bashed the hell out of me in everyway
. My medical knowledge is at the level of an intern at best. He also got me on tons of others stuff. Personally, I felt that if I made the same mistake as my senior then I was chastised much more caustically than my senior. In fact there were one or two instances where I got blamed for my seniors mistakes.
SUBJECTIVE THOUGHTS
1. I'm know I'm not God's gift to residency programs. But I also know that I'm not Satan's poison. I do make small mistakes, especially when the team is rounding fast and I may forget to correct an electrolyte abnormality...But I don't feel that I need to repeat my intern year.
2. I honestly feel like I'm under the microscope. It seems that if I make the same mistake that others at my level of experience make, I will be chastised more harshly than my colleague(s). Furthmore, if I make a great decision or diagnoses, nobody gives my any credit...i.e getting a diagnosis and treatment right despite the fact that the attending and/or specialty fellow were on the wrong track. This has happened a few times...
3. Acquaintances in my program look at me differently and feel awkward around me. While I like this program and would gladly continue on here, I do feel that I am "marked" at this program. I am concerned that it's only going to miserable given that faculty who did think highly of me think less and maybe even lesser as time goes on.
4. My evaluations...initially there were average for wards and super for consult months. Since my retention they are all waning. The one by Dr. K made me seem like a ******. I am concerned about my future in this field.
THINGS I WOULD HELP WITH IN DECIDING/DOING
1. Do you have any suggestions?2. Obviously, I've become progressively despondent and withdrawn from my class. Has anyone else in this forum had a similar experience to me? How did it feel? How did you deal with this situation? How do you get over the fact that others may view you as inferior? Are there ideas on how to cope with this? In your case...or in the case of others who are/were in the same situation, what was the final out come?
3. How will retention affect my chances of getting a job after residency? How will it affect my chances of fellowship, should I decide to pursue fellowship?
4. Because I am beginning to feel "marked" it seems that continuing here may prove futile...Has anyone ever transferred out of such a program? What are my options?
5. What about transferring to another specialty? How should I do this? I am obviously concerned that if I apply to another specialty, then once my PD comes to learn about this, he/she will terminate contract. Can you give me any tips on how to proceed with this area?
I would appreciate any good advice.