Should I worry?

[happytimeharry]

Background: my fiancé just started her first year of medical school. We've been together 4 years now.

We have a great relationship, I'm a linux administrator working 40 hours + a week while shes in school.

However, last night I started to get jealous when I found out she was studying with man she met in her class.

I don't inherently have a problem with her studying with another man, thats not really the issue. It's more the late/long hours that this happened as well as her expressing great interest in doing this often.

I know this isn't healthy for me or the relationship to get jealous right now. I also understand that she will have many more late night study sessions, I just can't help but feel like if she doesn't physically cheat, she's still putting herself in a position where should could emotionally cheat without meaning to.

We talked about it last night some, she agreed that she wouldn't want me meeting with single women for hours on end late at night and understood where I was coming from.


Now before everyone starts jumping on me and saying "i need to examine our relationship blah blah", thats precisely what I'm doing now.

I need some insight from people who have gone through a similar situation. Am I out of line for being even the slightest bit jealous?

I could really use some advice right about now. Thanks!

Edit/Update: I've been thinking about this more. Is this something I should just let her do? Just go along with everything and see how the cards end up playing out? I feel like part of me could definitely do this, I trust her. I guess I just have a lot of baggage from previous relationships.

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[xanthines]

I think there a lot of things to consider. One thing is how secure your relationship is. It's hard for any of us anonymous internet people to know, obviously. Another, is the culture of her particular medical school. In general, most med schools are like going back to high school. Mine felt like junior high. It might help to know a little more about the man. Perhaps he is married? Homosexual? etc etc? It's good that you and her are comfortable enough to rationally discuss this. It bodes well, I should think.

I don't think there's anything wrong with being concerned. Med school puts people in relatively stressful positions, for long hours, with people that know what you're going through. It's easy to open up to each other because of this shared experience. Some people mistake this for love. To be fair, for some it isn't a mistake.

I don't really have any advice, but hopefully I provided some information to help you understand the situation and make better-informed decisions.

There's a common joke at the beginning of medical schools: Look to the person on your left. Look to the person on your right. You'll marry one of these people! (The original saying is that one of you will not make to graduation, but that's definitely not true these days).

-X

 

[happytimeharry]

Thank you for the very well thought out reply xanthines. I don't know if I feel any better after reading it though

She did mention that she wants to invite him and his girlfriend over for dinner soon.

I think part of my worry is because this all happened at once, some random guy just kinda shows up out of nowhere.

It's still a lot for me to process.

 

[lilqu]

Here is some helpful wisdom:

Anyone, whether it be your fiancee, or you, or any other couple has a potential to fall into temptation in a certain environment.
This is a very sensitive subject, however you need to know this:

As a man, even though you are not her husband yet, it is YOUR DUTY, to protect yourself from sexual temption so that you are not unfaithful to her at work and when you're away from her, she is to do the same with a certain degree of advice from you now because you are not her husband you do not have the authority to completely protect her. however when you do marry it is your duty to protect yourself and her as head of your home.

Also, In a situation like this she needs to understand that to be able to nurture love towards you, and vice versa, she must not spend long periods of time spending time with other men, that will lead her heart to form emotional connections with other men, you do not want that.

How do you prevent this from worsening?
You have to purposefully help her with her studies! Learn of bit of the material and quiz her, encourage her, get yourself involved in her studies.

That is exactly what i plan on doing when i enter medical school, hopefully ill be married by then, and my wife (who is becoming a nurse) will be my primary study partner, and if i need help i'll study with men, i don't need to have a woman suck the affection i have for my wife.

You need to speak to her gently and tenderly and be truthful and honest, but be strong also in your reasoning and grow a backbone. She's your fiance therefore you need to protect her and love and cherish her and keep filthy dogs away from her (I'm serious).

hopefully i didnt go off a tangent

 

[xanthines]

I think this is a great idea. You get to meet him and evaluate him for yourself, as I'm sure his girlfriend will also do. This could go a long way in establishing your calm, if the other couple seems to be in strong and loving relationship (like you, hopefully!).

-X

She did mention that she wants to invite him and his girlfriend over for dinner soon.

 

[J ROD]

I think it is a great idea for another reason....when he and your woman are together then you and his GF can get together.....

it will work itself out......

 

[alexander3321]

well, i think that you should feel relax over it as you both are in a relation from last 4 hours and this is really a very good period. so don't bother in thinking these kinds of issues. just give her all the trust u can and i don't think that she will break the trust of person who loves her so much.

 

[LawJigga]

Linux Admin eh?

I suggest you modify your cron job and not try to think about it that much. In addition, try not to think about other processes accessing /sbin/mount on your high priority device ;-). I could keep on going, i am a pretty big nerd actually!

As a heads up, I am in the EXACT same boat as you, as my gf is studying constantly with her study partner who is a guy. We are talking 12+ hours straight, and I HATE it when she brings him up. I can't help but feel insecure and I really never had an insecurity problem before.

We should create a support group, this really stinks! I however understand this individual really does help her a lot, and might be the difference between her passing and her failing. I dont want to limit her studying, and I want to be supportive. I just hate it when she brings him up all the time, and to some extent I cant blame her. All she does is hang out with him and study with him.

I am secretly hoping this is just a first year thing, OR he is a closet homosexual. (I know he isn't). Reading your posts you have it made, try being long distance AND having your gf gone for more then 12+ hours (this increases during finals and exam times).

Have things improved for you.

Law

Background: my fiancé just started her first year of medical school. We've been together 4 years now.

We have a great relationship, I'm a linux administrator working 40 hours + a week while shes in school.

However, last night I started to get jealous when I found out she was studying with man she met in her class.

I don't inherently have a problem with her studying with another man, thats not really the issue. It's more the late/long hours that this happened as well as her expressing great interest in doing this often.

I know this isn't healthy for me or the relationship to get jealous right now. I also understand that she will have many more late night study sessions, I just can't help but feel like if she doesn't physically cheat, she's still putting herself in a position where should could emotionally cheat without meaning to.

We talked about it last night some, she agreed that she wouldn't want me meeting with single women for hours on end late at night and understood where I was coming from.


Now before everyone starts jumping on me and saying "i need to examine our relationship blah blah", thats precisely what I'm doing now.

I need some insight from people who have gone through a similar situation. Am I out of line for being even the slightest bit jealous?

I could really use some advice right about now. Thanks!

Edit/Update: I've been thinking about this more. Is this something I should just let her do? Just go along with everything and see how the cards end up playing out? I feel like part of me could definitely do this, I trust her. I guess I just have a lot of baggage from previous relationships.

 

[xanthines]

I think the last thing you want to do is alienate yourself from your SO. You don't want to turn yourself into the badguy/badgal and thrust your partner into the empathetic, comforting arms of your nemesis. So voice your concerns, but don't come off as a jerk. Otherwise, next stop: counterproductive-ville.

-X

 

[McPoyle]

Hey, I think you definitely should be open about your concerns.

A lil background, I was in your fiance's place last year, started studying a lot with a woman in my class. Things at the same time were sorta stressful between my wife and I. Long story short, I ended up having an affair.... it was terrible, really hurt my wife and the other woman. We almost ended up getting divorced over it, but decided, this summer,. to work on reconciling. It's been a struggle.

So, if you are concerned, voice it. You have a right to be worried, and have a right to voice that concern. However, ultimately, it is up to her to do the right thing, and this is where I fell waaaay short last year.

Feel free to PM me if you wanna discuss in more detail.

 

[smq123]

Am I out of line for being even the slightest bit jealous?

I think this is a perfectly valid concern. I don't think you're out of line at all.

If you and your fiancee live together, one thing you could suggest is that they study at your place. You might feel better about that, having both of them in near proximity. I personally thought that studying in the library was a bit overrated - always having to sneak study snacks in.

I definitely think you should bring it up. That being said, lots of "study groups" can fall apart after the first exam - people didn't do as well as they thought they would and wonder if they would focus better if they studied alone. One person starts to lose steam a few weeks in and it drags the whole group dynamic down. Almost everyone re-evaluates their study strategy after the first exam. So, you might wait and see if her study buddy lasts until after the first exam, and THEN bring it up with her.

 

[Special Delivery]

My first thought is: Don't worry about it. 1st year med school is no joke and requires an unreasonable amount of studying. That said, it's only logical your fiance will seek out someone to study with, male or female, to help study. You could offer to help quiz your fiance and spend time with her that way, showing an active interest in what she's learning, and also learn some yourself so that you can intelligently participate in future conversations.

Second thought: Her inviting her study partner and his girlfriend over is probably intended to put you at ease, to show you that he's already in a relationship and not a threat to yours.

Third thought: As everyone says, communication is key. You have a right to voice your concerns and discomfort to her in private, but also be willing to accept that you can't be all things to your fiance. Don't let your insecurity be a stumbling block to her academic achievement, but make sure she understands how you feel. I recommend taking an active interest in what she's learning and trying to help her study.

In the end, none of us on this side of the screen have the benefit of knowing your fiance for the past four years like you do, so only you truly know her character.

 

[Kaustikos]

Bring a book/laptop and go with her. With my Ex, whenever I had her company, it was nice. She'd occasionally "leave" and come back with snacks. I mean, the one thing I enjoyed was that she was there because I would get ridiculously jealous that she'd be doing "nothing" and I was studying. Having her there alleviated that because she wanted to be there with me, even though it was at a library late at night. And, it's completely not intrusive. Just don't start busting out the mic and playing Left4Dead2 or some ****.

I also did the same - when she was studying, I'd go with her. I'd bring a book and read it while she wast studying. I felt productive, so it was nice.

 

[nlax30]

I think it certainly can be a valid concern, and a natural reaction to this type of situation.

Like someone else mentioned, big thing is not to alienate yourself and let any bitterness take hold and fester. You've already brought this up with your wife and I too think that having this other couple over for dinner could be a good idea and may be a good gesture on the part of your wife.

First couple years of med school are stressful, and it's pretty natural for classmates to spend a lot of time with each other and become close. My wife went through law school so she gave me a lot of slack and understood the kind of hours and study time I would have to put in.

I developed a few very close friends that I would spend a lot of time with studying, a couple of which were female and the whole appearance of how it would look to others for me to study alone with them did enter my mind. So in the beginning if it was just me and one of them I would just study at some public place like Starbucks or something. I also made an effort to bring my wife to social events and my wife actually became pretty good friends with some of the girls would study with. I think that went a LONG way in regards to her comfort level and her trusting them and me when I studied with them.

So I think both of you have to do a little work here.... you need to trust her and give her a little space and slack and allow her to study time, she needs to understand that this can easily become a big issue to a spouse and that she should maybe make an effort to get you involved in meeting her study partners.

 

[LADoc00]

I cannot stress this enough: do not get involved with premeds, med students, interns or residents...even fellows are iffy.

We had a 90%+ divorce rate in my residency program. Many programs boast a flawless 100% rate. People change dramatically during the medical education process.

If you are already stressing her in med school, I cant imagine what will happen down the road.

I would save yourself some grief and Dear John this asap.

Sorry bout the 4 years, but so is life...

 

[Kaustikos]

I cannot stress this enough: do not get involved with premeds, med students, interns or residents...even fellows are iffy.

We had a 90%+ divorce rate in my residency program. Many programs boast a flawless 100% rate. People change dramatically during the medical education process.

If you are already stressing her in med school, I cant imagine what will happen down the road.

I would save yourself some grief and Dear John this asap.

Sorry bout the 4 years, but so is life...

I don't think he has an issue with her being in school, it's the situation of her studying with a guy. It's easily resolvable by simply being there, imo. Go study with her/be there. I think that's something people omit as a possible resolution. I mean, don't go there and act miserable. But, I don't know about residency, so I'm staying out of that one.

 

[LADoc00]

I have NEVER EVER received better advice in my life than when the program director of my internship told me to avoid serious relationships while training....I wish I had got this earlier, 7 years earlier to be exact because I was in the midst of dying 7 year relationship at the time.

Premeds need to do everyone a favor and just casually date for the first 4+4+3-6 years after HS...yeah its a long time, but you are choosing a long bitter road, get used to it.

Medical training isnt school, in many specialities it's the G'Damn equivalent of being a modern monk. Caveat emptor.

 

[deleted126335]

I have NEVER EVER received better advice in my life than when the program director of my internship told me to avoid serious relationships while training....I wish I had got this earlier, 7 years earlier to be exact because I was in the midst of dying 7 year relationship at the time.

Premeds need to do everyone a favor and just casually date for the first 4+4+3-6 years after HS...yeah its a long time, but you are choosing a long bitter road, get used to it.

Medical training isnt school, in many specialities it's the G'Damn equivalent of being a modern monk. Caveat emptor.

-the medical education process does take a toll on relationships. During med school most of the "couples" who weren't married were done by Christmas break first year.
-Residency ends even more relationships.

My wife and I met in college, did a commuter relationship for two years in med school and go married my last year. Still together 25 years.

 

[dally1025]

i came home after my first day of gross lab with 3 male lab partners (although one is openly gay and i have my suspicions about another). i've always had more guy friends than girl friends for some reason... my husband was a little worried at first but once he got to know the guys and realized there wasn't any reason to be remotely jealous he had no problem with me studying with them. get to know the guy, he may turn out to be a good friend to both of you! before i stopped going to class i spent the majority of time with my friends from school and it's so important for my sanity to have good friends, both male and female, that are going through the same things that i am. not that my husband doesn't listen but it makes it easier when you talk to people going through the same things you are.

she won't be around much so there's a certain level of trust you need to have. i think the easiest way to obtain that is by spending some fun time with her friends.

 

[confuse]

Is this the get together once in a while to work on a project kind of partner or a partner that she studies with exclusively for every quiz and test? If the latter, I feel that it is definitely valid for you to be concerned. From what I have seen, most of the hook ups that occurred in med school are from people who were "study partners". I think it's good that you were able to voice your concern to her and from what you described, she seemed to be responsive. Maybe it will get better down the road, I think you should be patient and see how it all turns out. Who knows, you may become good friend with this guy too.

Honestly, I don't understand why this has to be difficult. A random study partner vs. risking your bf/gf feeling insecure? A study partner with drama? The answer should be obvious.

 

[thomas22]

Express the same to your girl ! if she truly want your relationship to stay together then she will smile and say OK ! if not she will just go away from your life which she always want to do !