[Serious Help Needed] How do I stop writing my book for medical school?

[ConfusedAboutEverything]

This is a very unique circumstance that I have and I'm not sure what to categorize this as. I've written so much here, and I am sorry. I would not have written this much if I was feeling okay.

My undergraduate degree was in Philosophy and I'm currently working on a philosophy book on systematic epistemology. It is 300 pages in (I mean 300 pages single spaced word document) and it is very well organized. It is nowhere near complete and there are still many holes I need to address.

I would rate this book as something to the level of a philosophy Ph.D thesis. It presents a new way of thinking about knowledge and I think it really would contribute to the philosophical academia. Just to keep things here basic, let's just say It is very complex, beyond anything I have ever done and it has been the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I really think this book could be my life's work--something that is so complex that it may take me 30 years to figure out. I've been working on this book during my 2 gap years and it has been a full time job. Besides the 300 page document in place, I have MANY smaller documents where I brainstorm and I even have many notes on my phone where I write down other topics I need to address in this book.

The issue is, I know that once medical school starts in 1.5 weeks, I need to STOP this completely. The issue is...I can't. I can't stop thinking about it. I can't stop thinking about new ideas or addressing challenges to my previous arguments that I came up with and having to alter the 300 page main document. This is the big point! My brain tries to defeat my arguments, and I end up modifying the arguments to make them more robust. The issue is for the last 3 days I have tried to stop writing this book, and my brain has already thought of several potential challenges/refutations to my arguments that I need to address (as well as many different arguments I could make to strengthen my point) and it is breaking down my morale and making me want to do nothing but go back to thinking of arguments and writing this book.

The issue is my books topic is reality encompassing. That means every little detail of reality has an implication of my book. And if I watch the news and hear a statement that appears to contradict an argument I have made in my book, I go back to the drawing board and brainstorm a solution to it so I could have or develop a robust theory of epistemics. So many things seem to contradict this epistemic theory, and I end up showing why it fits the theory or I modify the theory.

I CANT STOP. I QUESTION THINGS SO MUCH. EVERY LITTLE DETAIL THAT HAPPENS IN MY LIFE (or anyone's life) IS RELEVANT TO THIS EPISTEMIC THEORY AND THUS IF THERE IS EVEN ONE REFUTATION/DEFEATER, THE THEORY EITHER MUST BE MADE MORE ROBUST, REFORUMULATED OR ABANDONED. And one issue is I am very insecure. I've worked so hard on this theory (and I do think it is true for the most part and groundbreaking) that I am insecure that it is false. This leads me to be very defensive and try really hard to defeat my own arguments and figure out a way to defeat the defeater to my argument or enhancing my argument. Its like, I KNOW my argument is valid/sound/true, but the 1% chance that it is false is haunting me and making me insecure.


Just to add to what it takes to write my book:
1. Heavy Research and Reading of both academic philosophical and scientific works. This includes note taking.
2. Rigorous thinking (I mean like the stereotypical, sitting on a chair, closing my eyes and thinking of solutions to challenges to the arguments, new aspects of the argument or how to reformulate the argument to make it fit (this is like a theoretical physicist trying to figure out a way to make the math equations match the experimental phenomena).
3. Brainstorming my thoughts into documents.
4. Transcribing that brainstorming document into a well written section of the main 300 page document
5. Going back to the possible contradictions of my new argument in the main 300 page document and try to address them/re-write those sections or remove those sections

...This can't be something that I can do while in medical school. And I obviously can't make a career out of this. I also want to share something that may have you scratch your heads--I hate philosophy. I hate writing this book. It is painful, I do not enjoy it, but I finally found meaning through it and it is like a drug because the more I try to prove this theory true, the more mental reward I get and it keeps me going, because I want this theory to be true. To repeat, this theory is very novel and not well discussed in the literature at all. I think it will be a great contribution to human knowledge, but I hate doing it. I really hate it and I can't stop. For the last 2 years, I have been working full time on this book and it takes full time work to even get a page written. This is a novel theory that no one in the academic literature has thought about or even proposed. EDIT: Actually this isn't fair to the reality--I hate the pain it brings and the struggle I endure, but I do love the topic and I am very interested in it--I actually love it so much.

The point is, I don't know what to do. I'm here begging for a pep talk or something from you. Whatever you say helps. Biggest point to remember is I am insecure that my argument is false (however at this point, I think it is true) and I need to get rid of intrusive thoughts of why my argument may be false, and stop writing my book to focus on medical school.

One more thing, I am a very very insecure person. I do not believe what most people believe are true. I doubt so many basic things. I have a hard time not being skeptical and I have gotten so good at defeating other people's arguments that I am good at defeating my own (yes this could be an asset to creating a robust thesis, but it is painful). I need to stop, and I need encouragement to stop. Please help me in whatever way you can.

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[akuko2]

A dude at my medical school published a book or two bc he was very interested in particular issues that were completely unrelated to medicine. I think you'll be ok if you can get over the fact that you will have to both sacrifice some time away from the philosophy to pass in medicine and some time away from medicine to keep up your philosophical endeavors. I would urge you to be as realistic as possible in your thinking and start to brainstorm career plans that would allow you to have more time for philosophy. See if you are interested in fields which are easier to match into so you don't have to waste time doing research which you are not passionate about or gunning for pristine USMLE scores. Additionally think about what your life will be like as a resident and attending and consider paths that best allow you to foster those non-medical interests.

Good luck! I applaud your interest in asking fundamental questions such as the ones your book addresses. I'm interested in philosophy but medicine has bolstered my level of sarcasm to the point that the only serious question I ask myself is, 'Why am I eating this patient's leftovers?'

 

[Mass Effect]

Sounds like you're obsessed with this. Only you can decide if you have the willpower to separate your life into two compartments -- medicine versus philosophy. There will be many times in the first 3 years where philosophy has to take a backseat. If you're okay with that, then you'll be fine. If not, then you're going to have a problem.

People take on many things throughout medical school. You can be successful at both. But you can't prioritize writing your book over mastering the material you're taught in med school.

 

[OneTwoThreeFour]

You have to put up or shut up. Nobody cares how many pages you have written if nobody reads them. Give it to an adviser and see what they think. Otherwise you might as well be...

 

[Sephirakra]

This is a very unique circumstance

"Unique" means "one of a kind," so adding a modifier to it is self-defeating.

I also fail to believe this theory you've developed is so all-consuming that you can't stop working on it, despite having somehow completed primary and secondary med school applications, interviews, etc.

If you're really at a make-or-break moment such that starting med school would hamper your work, then perhaps you should withdraw now. Your heart obviously isn't in it anymore.

Also, you should consider seeking the counsel of a therapist.

 

[kraskadva]

This is a very unique circumstance that I have and I'm not sure what to categorize this as. I've written so much here, and I am sorry. I would not have written this much if I was feeling okay.

My undergraduate degree was in Philosophy and I'm currently working on a philosophy book on systematic epistemology. It is 300 pages in (I mean 300 pages single spaced word document) and it is very well organized. It is nowhere near complete and there are still many holes I need to address.

I would rate this book as something to the level of a philosophy Ph.D thesis. It presents a new way of thinking about knowledge and I think it really would contribute to the philosophical academia. Just to keep things here basic, let's just say It is very complex, beyond anything I have ever done and it has been the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I really think this book could be my life's work--something that is so complex that it may take me 30 years to figure out. I've been working on this book during my 2 gap years and it has been a full time job. Besides the 300 page document in place, I have MANY smaller documents where I brainstorm and I even have many notes on my phone where I write down other topics I need to address in this book.

The issue is, I know that once medical school starts in 1.5 weeks, I need to STOP this completely. The issue is...I can't. I can't stop thinking about it. I can't stop thinking about new ideas or addressing challenges to my previous arguments that I came up with and having to alter the 300 page main document. This is the big point! My brain tries to defeat my arguments, and I end up modifying the arguments to make them more robust. The issue is for the last 3 days I have tried to stop writing this book, and my brain has already thought of several potential challenges/refutations to my arguments that I need to address (as well as many different arguments I could make to strengthen my point) and it is breaking down my morale and making me want to do nothing but go back to thinking of arguments and writing this book.

The issue is my books topic is reality encompassing. That means every little detail of reality has an implication of my book. And if I watch the news and hear a statement that appears to contradict an argument I have made in my book, I go back to the drawing board and brainstorm a solution to it so I could have or develop a robust theory of epistemics. So many things seem to contradict this epistemic theory, and I end up showing why it fits the theory or I modify the theory.

I CANT STOP. I QUESTION THINGS SO MUCH. EVERY LITTLE DETAIL THAT HAPPENS IN MY LIFE (or anyone's life) IS RELEVANT TO THIS EPISTEMIC THEORY AND THUS IF THERE IS EVEN ONE REFUTATION/DEFEATER, THE THEORY EITHER MUST BE MADE MORE ROBUST, REFORUMULATED OR ABANDONED. And one issue is I am very insecure. I've worked so hard on this theory (and I do think it is true for the most part and groundbreaking) that I am insecure that it is false. This leads me to be very defensive and try really hard to defeat my own arguments and figure out a way to defeat the defeater to my argument or enhancing my argument. Its like, I KNOW my argument is valid/sound/true, but the 1% chance that it is false is haunting me and making me insecure.


Just to add to what it takes to write my book:
1. Heavy Research and Reading of both academic philosophical and scientific works. This includes note taking.
2. Rigorous thinking (I mean like the stereotypical, sitting on a chair, closing my eyes and thinking of solutions to challenges to the arguments, new aspects of the argument or how to reformulate the argument to make it fit (this is like a theoretical physicist trying to figure out a way to make the math equations match the experimental phenomena).
3. Brainstorming my thoughts into documents.
4. Transcribing that brainstorming document into a well written section of the main 300 page document
5. Going back to the possible contradictions of my new argument in the main 300 page document and try to address them/re-write those sections or remove those sections

...This can't be something that I can do while in medical school. And I obviously can't make a career out of this. I also want to share something that may have you scratch your heads--I hate philosophy. I hate writing this book. It is painful, I do not enjoy it, but I finally found meaning through it and it is like a drug because the more I try to prove this theory true, the more mental reward I get and it keeps me going, because I want this theory to be true. To repeat, this theory is very novel and not well discussed in the literature at all. I think it will be a great contribution to human knowledge, but I hate doing it. I really hate it and I can't stop. For the last 2 years, I have been working full time on this book and it takes full time work to even get a page written. This is a novel theory that no one in the academic literature has thought about or even proposed. EDIT: Actually this isn't fair to the reality--I hate the pain it brings and the struggle I endure, but I do love the topic and I am very interested in it--I actually love it so much.

The point is, I don't know what to do. I'm here begging for a pep talk or something from you. Whatever you say helps. Biggest point to remember is I am insecure that my argument is false (however at this point, I think it is true) and I need to get rid of intrusive thoughts of why my argument may be false, and stop writing my book to focus on medical school.

One more thing, I am a very very insecure person. I do not believe what most people believe are true. I doubt so many basic things. I have a hard time not being skeptical and I have gotten so good at defeating other people's arguments that I am good at defeating my own (yes this could be an asset to creating a robust thesis, but it is painful). I need to stop, and I need encouragement to stop. Please help me in whatever way you can.

A philosophy quote for you from Voltaire - "Do not let the perfect be the enemy of the good"
I keep this on my wall to remind me that it's usually better to get things done than to have them be perfect.
Wrap it up and move on with your life. Publish an addendum later if truly warranted.

Also, something a philosophy prof once said to me - "when picking a topic to write on, on a scale from Newton's left eyebrow to life, the universe and everything, best to pick as close to the former as possible, since no matter what, the longer you go on, the closer you'll come to the latter."

Also, maybe get some counseling... or more life experience... because you will not have time in the very near future to dwell on every minute point of past actions. You need to become okay with not being perfect/producing perfect work - becuase no one can and you will have too much to do to get this hung up on any one thing.

 

[deleted480308]

Your book won’t change the world or address all of reality

Go see a mental health professional

 

[Dr. Death]

Sounds like a manic episode

 

[Tenk]

Your book won’t change the world or address all of reality

Go see a mental health professional

Got the perfect guy:

 

[Osminog]

Sounds like a manic episode

Thought the same thing as I was reading it. Hopefully OP will talk about this with a mental health professional before med school starts, if he hasn't already. This obviously isn't a situation that SDN can help him with.

 

[Mass Effect]

Sounds like a manic episode

Thought the same thing as I was reading it.

Based on what?

 

[Kardio]

What an interesting crowd of people SDN draws in

 

[sella.turcica]

I hope the UWorld people are reading this. This would make a great stem for their step 1/2 qbanks.

"What is the best next step in patient management?"

 

[enalli]

Taking your post at face value, why not publish now so you can continue to discuss and refine your ideas with other philosophers in the academic literature?

Not talking your post at face value, you sound obsessed to the point where it may be affecting your daily life; perhaps it's time to talk to someone about it?

 

[Dro133]

Give this a read, about the philosopher David Hume:

Hume is the amiable, modest, generous philosopher we need today | Aeon Essays

Hume believed we were nothing more or less than human: that’s why he’s the amiable, modest, generous philosopher we need now

aeon.co

"Hume had at least two opportunities to become a tragic hero and avoid the cheerful end he eventually met. When he was 19, he succumbed to what was known as ‘the disease of the learned’, a melancholy that we would today call depression. However, after around nine months, he realised that this was not the inevitable fate of the wise but the result of devoting too much time to his studies. Hume realised that to remain in good health and spirits, it was necessary not only to study, but to exercise and to seek the company of friends. As soon as he started to do this he regained his cheer and kept it pretty much for the rest of his life.

This taught him an important lesson about the nature of the good life. As he later wrote in AnEnquiry Concerning Human Understanding(1748): ‘The mind requires some relaxation, and cannot always support its bent to care and industry.’ Philosophy matters, but it is not all that matters, and although it is a good thing, one can have too much of it. ‘Abstruse thought and profound researches I prohibit,’ says Hume, ‘and will severely punish, by the pensive melancholy which they introduce, by the endless uncertainty in which they involve you.’ The life ‘most suitable to the human race’ is a ‘mixed kind’ in which play, pleasure and diversion matter as well as what are thought of as the ‘higher’ pursuits. ‘Be a philosopher,’ advised Hume, ‘but, amidst all your philosophy, be still a man.’"

 

[Cawolf]

.

 

[Mass Effect]

1. abnormally persistent goal-directed activity
2. inflated self esteem
3. excessive involvement in activities with negative consequences
4. pressured speech (text)

This is why we have so many people walking around with erroneous bipolar diagnoses. I'm not going to take the time to translate the DSM, but needless to say there is nothing in the OP's post that suggests mania. Just as most workaholics are not manic, most people obsessed with this type of thing aren't either. Also, please re-learn what pressured speech is before making a case for mania.

 

[siliso]

Are you sleeping? How long have you been working on this?

 

[Osminog]

This is why we have so many people walking around with erroneous bipolar diagnoses. I'm not going to take the time to translate the DSM, but needless to say there is nothing in the OP's post that suggests mania. Just as most workaholics are not manic, most people obsessed with this type of thing aren't either. Also, please re-learn what pressured speech is before making a case for mania.

Whether or not OP's behavior fits the DSM criteria for a mental disorder has to be determined by a mental health professional. What many people in this thread seem to have recognized is that OP's narrative is reflective of abnormal, unhealthy thought processes. OP should follow up with a mental health professional (ideally prior to the start of classes), and this thread should be closed.

 

[Mass Effect]

Whether or not OP's behavior fits the DSM criteria for a mental disorder has to be determined by a mental health professional.

Exactly. So why are you and others labeling it as mania through an online forum?

 

[siliso]

Without making any diagnosis, I have encountered quite a few people who have become unbalanced. It ain’t my first day on the planet. Someone who can’t stop thinking about how their ideas will change everything and is getting special messages from the TV about their ideas may be a world-historical genius, or may be using too many stimulants, or may have something else going on. OP sounds distressed more than excited, the post is full of a feeling of being out of control and overwhelmed, and so I agree with maybe seeking some assistance with the thoughts that can’t stop won’t stop.

 

[Osminog]

Exactly. So why are you and others labeling it as mania through an online forum?

One, mania isn't a psychiatric disorder in and of itself, and it doesn't necessarily stem from bipolar disorder; it can be a side effect of certain medications, for example. Nobody here (except you) has even mentioned any specific psychiatric disorder, let alone tried to diagnose OP with one.

Two, nobody is saying with certainty that it's mania. OP's narrative just sounds like what someone would type on social media during a manic episode; it's long-winded, disorganized, and infused with grandiose beliefs and obsessive thoughts.

 

[Mass Effect]

As a psychiatrist, I'm quite aware of what mania is and isn't. But thanks for the lesson. What I'm saying is that throwing around words like "mania" when someone is asking for help is neither helpful nor accurate.

 

[Cawolf]

This is why we have so many people walking around with erroneous bipolar diagnoses. I'm not going to take the time to translate the DSM, but needless to say there is nothing in the OP's post that suggests mania. Just as most workaholics are not manic, most people obsessed with this type of thing aren't either. Also, please re-learn what pressured speech is before making a case for mania.

I had a nice witty reply here for you, but now it is gone.

 

[gyngyn]

Closed.