Need opinions

[lihini]

I posted this on 'The Louge' before I saw this forum for spouses and partners . I posted it here sicne this I thought would be them most approporiate place for it. Dunno if I am breaking any SDN rules - so feel free to move it if inappropriate to repost!

Hey All,
I need to survey opinions on something that has me flustered. I appreciate opinions from both males and females to try to figure out if I am being unreasonable:

OK here is my situation:
My brand new husband has a golf tournament his Dad wants him to play in next month out of town which happens to fall squarely during my birthday weekend. We live in separate cities and only see each other on weekends and given my school schedule I cannot travel a lot more than that.

First when his Dad mentioned it he told me he wouldn't go without me but I told him if we wants to go he should go Tuesday and I can join him for the weekend because I cant miss too many lectures. It was my understanding that we will still be together for the weekend of my Saturday (my birthday) since I would be going too or else he would come back by Saturday . He was thinking about it for a fewdays and before I knew it he bought the airline ticket to return on Sunday night. When I found out i looked for tickets for myself and they are pretty prohibitively expensive.

I am pretty bummed out about not being able to spend my birthday with him and having to spend it alone. We met 11 months ago before my last birthday so this would be our first birthday together.

The problem is that he does not even see why I am a upset and he thinks I am being selfish. I did not ask him to cancel the trip but asked him to return early so i can at least spend the evening with him. he makes no plans to make it up to em either and I am more upset that he doesn't see that he was being insensitive. I feel that he went ahead and bought the ticket by himself because he knew if he talked it over with me I would say that I don't wanna be alone on my birthday.

So my questions are :
Am i being unreasonable in feeling so bummed?
Is he not being insensitive of my feelings?

FYI- He gets to play a lot of golf all year and since his parents are snow birds he doesn't see them more than 3-4 times all winter. the rest of the year they live 10 minutes away from him. We just saw the inlaws around xmas and new years - and there was a lot of football, basketball watching and some golf too.

I really don't want to be the wife that gets between a man and his Dad's golf game and I want him to be happy- but really not at my expense! I feel like I am entitled not to be alone on my birthday.

Please help me before i make myself or him crazy!!
Thanks a lot in advance!
-L

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[LadyMoreta]

It wasn't a very smart move on his part, but how you react now can really define your marriage. If you nag and complain to him about it, he will either go anyway and complain about you the whole weekend, or he will cancel his plans and resent you for the weekend. If you tell him to have a great time, you will miss him, and you can't wait to celebrate with him the following weekend, he will spend the weekend thinking about what a wonderful wife he has.

So, I agree, he probably shouldn't have made the plans, but it's all in your hands now. I think you should hang out with some girlfriends, see a chick flick, and have a great weekend. I can't tell for sure from your post, but it sounds like you're the doctor in the relationship? If so, trust me, you'll be missing many, many events/holidays/birthdays yourself, and you'll want him to be gracious about it. This will set a precedent for how you both respond to each other for the rest of your lives.

 

[neurolddoc]

Look at what you said:
1 He said he wouldn't go without you
2 You said go and I'll join you
3 He bought the ticket
4 You decided that it was too expensive to go
5 You are mad that he is going

Just make a reservation and go no matter how much the flight costs. You are the one having the birthday after all. Was he concerned about the cost of his flight? Why should you be the one to make the sacrifice? If you can't afford both tix then maybe Pop in law can spring for his son's ticket if he needs him there for the tournament.

 

[bof]

Look at what you said:
Just make a reservation and go no matter how much the flight costs. You are the one having the birthday after all. Was he concerned about the cost of his flight? Why should you be the one to make the sacrifice? If you can't afford both tix then maybe Pop in law can spring for his son's ticket if he needs him there for the tournament.

+1

Nobody is right or wrong on this matter. The above post is the easy solution, and what I would recommend.

 

[DrJD]

Everyone, and every marriage is different... As a husband I personally wouldn't have bought a ticket for just myself. In fact my wife and I would have bought tickets together.

Your situation is unique since you live apart, so its hard to say exactly what the dynamics of your marriage are. How long do you guys have to live apart?

Anyway, my advice would be to address the underlying issue of how you want your marriage to look and talk to him about that. Not fight, or nag, or anything like that but just a good talk. Based on experience and conversations you can figure out what birthdays, etc will look like in your family. Right now it sounds like you and he have different views about what birthdays should consist of. So share that with him for sure!

As to the "buy the ticket anyway" argument, without knowing how expensive I'd agree! But again, sounds like he is travelling once a week and perhaps you are saving so that he can move, or a house, or whatever so you would rather save the money.

Good luck, and congratulations on being newlyweds! (Happy pre-birthday!)

 

[AttyHubby]

As the husband of a third year med student, I can relate to how your husband is feeling. My wife and I both started grad school at the same time (I'm about to graduate from law school), and since law school is pretty much the easiest thing ever I have a ton of free time. This has led to me ending up taking many trips, for whatever reason, by myself - simply because she couldn't go.

In this situation, really your only two plays are: a) go, b) tell him you can't make it but to have a great time and call you every night to update you on his game. You TOLD him to go. You can't take it back now. He told you he wouldn't go without you, it seems clear the only reason he booked the trip is because you said you could fly out and join him for the weekend. YOU'RE the one backing out of spending your birthday together, not him. And that's okay. Get used to it. My wife and I didn't get to spend out ANNIVERSARY together this year, because I was 1500 miles away doing a summer clerkship.

You've chosen an intense, time consuming profession. Your husband didn't. If you make him suffer just because you are, he will resent you for it. And that's bad.

Hope this helps, PM me if you want.

 

[cairn]

My 2 cents: Pick a different day or weekend to celebrate your birthday. Long distance and busy schedules are hard and likely to get worse as your careers advance and you have kids. Being able to move your christmas/birthday/anniversary to a more convenient day allows you to "have it all"

 

[mededu]

First calm down and then just give a re-thought, for either preponing or postponing to celebrate your birthday with your hubby

 

[Birdeee]

As a somewhat experienced spouse of a medical student - get used to scheduling family celebrations and holidays around the doc schedule. This has meant Thanksgiving on a Tuesday, Christmas a few days later etc. Medical spouse support online forums and meeting with other happy medical spouses has convinced me that this is the way to make it work.
Flexibility is the key to a long and happy relationship.

One of my online buddies told me "If your marriage is an apple tree don't try to make it a pear tree"

Good Luck!!