I want out.

[thehundredthone]

Am I simply allowed to state that?

You're simply allowed to state that just as much as everyone else here is simply allowed to state their response to it. It's only fair.

@Reverseperistalsis : Surely if you can see that if there were overlooked consequences of the first decision you made, there will be similar consequences to any different decision you make in response. The guilt and regret you have for matching lower than you wanted could easily exist for not being in medicine any more, if you decide to quit. There's no right decision, but remember that everything you're saying and feeling right now can exist for the other option you're considering.

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[jadedfamilymed]

This is a throw-away account. I just learned that I matched low on my list, which is massively devastating for my family. This was unforeseen, as I ranked by geography, which included 2 non competitive programs in a non-competitive specialty. The program I ended up at is a good one for sure...but for my spouse and kids, again, devastating doesn't begin to describe it.
.

Medicine is definitely not lollipops and sunshine. You go into med school and work and work and tell your family "one more year" or "one more step exam" etc etc. Even if you would have gotten your #1 spot you likely would be happy for probably 3 months tops. I think you get built up through the application process and then med school and everyone is so proud and then you get to residency and realize; well you just see everything for what it really is. I have never met a resident in ANY specialty that is just bursting with enthusiasm about their career choice. This business if filled to the brim with redundancies, paperwork and politics; and then there are the patients.

Point being, just start your residency. The world will continue to spin regardless of how you or your family feels so you might as well just suck it up complete the residency. Your kids probably already don't see you enough anyway from medical school so they probably won't notice if your gone. The rest of your life you will be absent from important events because of your job but this is what you signed up for; why is this such a surprise?

 

[thehundredthone]

Medicine is definitely not lollipops and sunshine. You go into med school and work and work and tell your family "one more year" or "one more step exam" etc etc. Even if you would have gotten your #1 spot you likely would be happy for probably 3 months tops. I think you get built up through the application process and then med school and everyone is so proud and then you get to residency and realize; well you just see everything for what it really is. I have never met a resident in ANY specialty that is just bursting with enthusiasm about their career choice. This business if filled to the brim with redundancies, paperwork and politics; and then there are the patients.

Point being, just start your residency. The world will continue to spin regardless of how you or your family feels so you might as well just suck it up complete the residency. Your kids probably already don't see you enough anyway from medical school so they probably won't notice if your gone. The rest of your life you will be absent from important events because of your job but this is what you signed up for; why is this such a surprise?

Strong throwaway username to first post correlation?

 

[dozitgetchahi]

As someone else who got geographically shafted I think that's s*** advice. It's pretty easy to spew that BS when you're not going through this.

I'm not thinking about breaking my match like OP is, but you seem to think like being separated from loved ones for years is a minor inconvenience, which is fairly insulting. It's a serious, life-changing event.

This.

I got 'geographically shafted' before I started IM residency, and let me tell ya...it has sucked hard:

-The sense of loneliness and isolation from family has really done a number on my overall mood and mental state for the last 3 years. I've powered through it and kept my chin up, but I definitely think I met DSM-5 criteria for depression for most of residency, and this has probably gone a long way towards the jaded/burned out/blah feeling i have towards medicine in general at this point. Having my wife/kids nearby would've made it a lot more tolerable.

- The separation has severely strained my marriage. We were frequently close to divorce during residency, and it may yet still happen.

- We waste absurd amounts of money paying on rent in one city/mortgage in another plus two sets of utilities etc...our finances are definitely stressed.

- Driving back and forth from two cities was a huge waste of time/money/wear and tear on my car etc. My car has 213k on it at this point. All this time spent driving etc ate into my reading time and prevented me from getting into a true 'rhythm' for much of residency.

In short...yes you can 'power through' and yes you can do it and yes you probably just need to bite the bullet and do it if you still want to be a doctor, but that doesn't change the fact that it sucks. Don't listen to the people who say it's all gravy and no biggie etc...3 years (or however long your residency is) can seem like a really long time when you're trapped in a situation like I have been.

Fortunately, I got good training at a good IM program, did very well as a resident, and matched fellowship at an outstanding program (name brand, you'd all know it) in the city where my wife/kids have been living. My kids, however, barely know who I am (one was born during residency, and there is good reason to believe the kid isn't even mine - but I digress) and the wife is on the verge of hiring a divorce lawyer. Cleaning up the damage done during residency will probably be much harder than landing that 'prestigious' fellowship spot.

 

[thehundredthone]

In short...yes you can 'power through' and yes you can do it and yes you probably just need to bite the bullet and do it if you still want to be a doctor, but that doesn't change the fact that it sucks. Don't listen to the people who say it's all gravy and no biggie etc...3 years (or however long your residency is) can seem like a really long time when you're trapped in a situation like I have been.

Fortunately, I got good training at a good IM program, did very well as a resident, and matched fellowship at an outstanding program (name brand, you'd all know it) in the city where my wife/kids have been living. My kids, however, barely know who I am (one was born during residency, and there is good reason to believe the kid isn't even mine - but I digress) and the wife is on the verge of hiring a divorce lawyer. Cleaning up the damage done during residency will probably be much harder than landing that 'prestigious' fellowship spot.

I'm sorry you've had such a rough time. It's definitely not what everyone should have to be prepared for, in order to become a medical professional. However, the sentiment of being trapped echoes an external locus of control. We made decisions to get to wherever we are (and however far we are from loved ones), I think bearing that responsibility is a slightly healthier way to deal with the situation on the days it sucks.

 

[Lostin_space]

I totally relate to you with this. I had to live separately from my spouse as well during a period of residency and it also sucked hard. We live together now and our marriage has improved tremendously but i agree that just powering through stuff makes medicine a painful profession. We give up a lot of ourselves to be doctors and I can relate to those who match in areas where there is issues with family. Family are the people who will stand by you when you need it most in residency - its not like you can go cry to your PD and they are an essential part of making it. While Idon't think OP should quit it's definitely something that he needs to think about carefully.

This.

I got 'geographically shafted' before I started IM residency, and let me tell ya...it has sucked hard:

-The sense of loneliness and isolation from family has really done a number on my overall mood and mental state for the last 3 years. I've powered through it and kept my chin up, but I definitely think I met DSM-5 criteria for depression for most of residency, and this has probably gone a long way towards the jaded/burned out/blah feeling i have towards medicine in general at this point. Having my wife/kids nearby would've made it a lot more tolerable.

- The separation has severely strained my marriage. We were frequently close to divorce during residency, and it may yet still happen.

- We waste absurd amounts of money paying on rent in one city/mortgage in another plus two sets of utilities etc...our finances are definitely stressed.

- Driving back and forth from two cities was a huge waste of time/money/wear and tear on my car etc. My car has 213k on it at this point. All this time spent driving etc ate into my reading time and prevented me from getting into a true 'rhythm' for much of residency.

In short...yes you can 'power through' and yes you can do it and yes you probably just need to bite the bullet and do it if you still want to be a doctor, but that doesn't change the fact that it sucks. Don't listen to the people who say it's all gravy and no biggie etc...3 years (or however long your residency is) can seem like a really long time when you're trapped in a situation like I have been.

Fortunately, I got good training at a good IM program, did very well as a resident, and matched fellowship at an outstanding program (name brand, you'd all know it) in the city where my wife/kids have been living. My kids, however, barely know who I am (one was born during residency, and there is good reason to believe the kid isn't even mine - but I digress) and the wife is on the verge of hiring a divorce lawyer. Cleaning up the damage done during residency will probably be much harder than landing that 'prestigious' fellowship spot.

 

[rokshana]

So gritting my teeth for a year will not help me that much? I can expect to be in the same position after finishing PGY1 of peds and quitting as I would be graduating medical school without attempting residency?

not exactly the same....your MD is basically worthless w/o training...as an AMG, with one year internship you can get an unrestricted license...how much you can do with a year of peds behind you, well...not sure what you could do? minute clinic maybe? if it was an intern year in medicine, you might be a little more marketable.

 

[rokshana]

You want to finish that first year. If you do that, you can at least get a license and work doing locums or urgent care or something that will let you meet your loan obligations.

Also, going back into another residency later is a lot easier with at least a completed intern year than as a totally untrained student, whose knowledge and limited clinical experience is aging out of relevance one year at a time.

locums is going to want BE/BC for IM at least.

 

[BuccoDoc]

There are other options. But if you dont show up to your intern year, you've basically closed the door to medicine forever. You can reenter the match again and try to switch to another specialty closer to home. Or you could try to swap for a PGY-2 spot closer to your current home. This may limit the long distance to only 1 year. I switched specialties after 1 year and went through the match twice. Was not as big a deal as I was making it in my mind. I would be up front with your program director early on about your situation. More likely than not they will be understanding and willing to help you get to a better place for you and your family.


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edit for spelling

 

[Promethean]

locums is going to want BE/BC for IM at least.

Fair enough. Any way, the employment opportunities for a licensed MD with an incomplete residency still vastly out number those for an unlicensed medical school grad. My unlicensed med school grad works in retail. (She has other issues that currently affect her options, but those could be overcome and her income could increase by a factor of 10 if she had made it through that first year.)

 

[Reverseperistalsis]

Thanks to all for the tough love and insight. I have now started to feel a bit better and realize that breaking my word isn't my style. My wife is in a really bad place, however, and is now considering refusing to go. She is seeing things in a very black and white way, where she believes there are literally zero opportunities for her in our new location. She refuses to attempt to rebuild her client base OR work for someone else. My kids are taking it like champs, but now I have to deal with the possibility that one of us will be a geographic single parent. If it were me, the obvious worry is that I'll have NO time to be an adequate parent. I love medicine and am not ready to give it up, nor throw away all the blood, sweat and tears I've poured in until now. At the same time, I truly don't think I can stomach being separated from my children.

It's looking like the best thing to do might be to do my year, then try everything I can to get back to our current area for PGY-2, even if it means switching specialties. How would I even go about this without burning bridges?

 

[BuccoDoc]

Thanks to all for the tough love and insight. I have now started to feel a bit better and realize that breaking my word isn't my style. My wife is in a really bad place, however, and is now considering refusing to go. She is seeing things in a very black and white way, where she believes there are literally zero opportunities for her in our new location. She refuses to attempt to rebuild her client base OR work for someone else. My kids are taking it like champs, but now I have to deal with the possibility that one of us will be a geographic single parent. If it were me, the obvious worry is that I'll have NO time to be an adequate parent. I love medicine and am not ready to give it up, nor throw away all the blood, sweat and tears I've poured in until now. At the same time, I truly don't think I can stomach being separated from my children.

It's looking like the best thing to do might be to do my year, then try everything I can to get back to our current area for PGY-2, even if it means switching specialties. How would I even go about this without burning bridges?

I would talk to the Program Director of your residency whenever you feel it is appropriate. Probably the sooner the better. Tell them your situation and what options they think you should pursue. You will need to resubmit an ERAS app with a new personal statement focused toward your new specialty. You will need your letters to reflect that, as well. It will be tough interviewing during intern year. You may need to use 2 weeks of vacation time around interview season. I would get the ball rolling on that (you need a new token from your med school as well for ERAS). You can also look into swapping slots. There is a website and posts on SDN about that. Look into it. Swapping would probably be more ideal, but less likely to happen. Nonetheless, if you secure a swap before next years rank list is due, you can always pull out of the match process.


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[j4pac]

Thanks to all for the tough love and insight. I have now started to feel a bit better and realize that breaking my word isn't my style. My wife is in a really bad place, however, and is now considering refusing to go. She is seeing things in a very black and white way, where she believes there are literally zero opportunities for her in our new location. She refuses to attempt to rebuild her client base OR work for someone else. My kids are taking it like champs, but now I have to deal with the possibility that one of us will be a geographic single parent. If it were me, the obvious worry is that I'll have NO time to be an adequate parent. I love medicine and am not ready to give it up, nor throw away all the blood, sweat and tears I've poured in until now. At the same time, I truly don't think I can stomach being separated from my children.

It's looking like the best thing to do might be to do my year, then try everything I can to get back to our current area for PGY-2, even if it means switching specialties. How would I even go about this without burning bridges?

Was your wife not included on your decision making?

I'm sorry you are going through all of this, but it looks like you have screwed up on a number of levels and I hope that there are people who come after you that will learn from the multitude of mistakes you have made.

 

[Chip N Sawbones]

Dangerous cities aren't actually so bad once you live in them. I'm going to med school in New Orleans, where murder is still regarded by the legal system as more of a recreational sport than an actual crime. I bought a fixer-upper house in an area often described as "the best part of the ghetto" and had a drug dealer living next to me for a year or so until he got busted. The neighborhood is so Third Worldly there are wild chickens running around there. Even with all that, I've never felt threatened or been the victim of any crime near my home. Even in the worst neighborhoods, criminals are still a minority, and most people living there are hardworking, honest citizens who simply can't afford to live anywhere else. I know the retiree across the street from me is looking out for the neighborhood during the day, and he knows to call me should he ever need an armed response faster than the police can get there.

If that doesn't sound reassuring enough, what others have said is also true. There are plenty of areas near my city with "safe" neighborhoods and good public schools, and you will be able to afford them on a resident's salary. No matter where you end up I encourage you to buy a good rifle and take shooting lessons at your local gun range. There's no such thing as a city, town or neighborhood that is truly safe, where you will be totally immune from any crime.

 

[rokshana]

Thanks to all for the tough love and insight. I have now started to feel a bit better and realize that breaking my word isn't my style. My wife is in a really bad place, however, and is now considering refusing to go. She is seeing things in a very black and white way, where she believes there are literally zero opportunities for her in our new location. She refuses to attempt to rebuild her client base OR work for someone else. My kids are taking it like champs, but now I have to deal with the possibility that one of us will be a geographic single parent. If it were me, the obvious worry is that I'll have NO time to be an adequate parent. I love medicine and am not ready to give it up, nor throw away all the blood, sweat and tears I've poured in until now. At the same time, I truly don't think I can stomach being separated from my children.

It's looking like the best thing to do might be to do my year, then try everything I can to get back to our current area for PGY-2, even if it means switching specialties. How would I even go about this without burning bridges?

give your wife some time...she need to investigate if the opportunities for her ARE really zero or what other opportunities there are in your need city...remember she agreed to you leaving your previous career to pursue med school and all that entails...if this is a big city like NYC it would be hard to believe that she can't manage to find something...if the cost of living is low and you can live on your salary then maybe she can take the time to be stay at home (its not impossible to do so though rare)...plus how teenager are your kids? are they close to going to college or 13? if closer to college, they are looking to move away anyway!

you are not the 1st or the last to have to juggle residency with a long distance relationship it can be done, you just need to see how to do that...it could be that you do look for a pgy 2 in the local area or you find a way to complete the residency where you matched.

 

[Lostin_space]

Thanks to all for the tough love and insight. I have now started to feel a bit better and realize that breaking my word isn't my style. My wife is in a really bad place, however, and is now considering refusing to go. She is seeing things in a very black and white way, where she believes there are literally zero opportunities for her in our new location. She refuses to attempt to rebuild her client base OR work for someone else. My kids are taking it like champs, but now I have to deal with the possibility that one of us will be a geographic single parent. If it were me, the obvious worry is that I'll have NO time to be an adequate parent. I love medicine and am not ready to give it up, nor throw away all the blood, sweat and tears I've poured in until now. At the same time, I truly don't think I can stomach being separated from my children.

It's looking like the best thing to do might be to do my year, then try everything I can to get back to our current area for PGY-2, even if it means switching specialties. How would I even go about this without burning bridges?

I would give your wife some time until the shock subsides. It's tough being married to someone who has a career in something else and has to move for their spouse, particularly when their jobs are going well. I had a similar situation when I matched for residency - husband was not happy, gave me the same - no jobs in my field, I've worked hard to be where I'm at professionally, we may need to live apart, blah blah - but he eventually ended up making a few moves in a different couple places and ended up with a job he loves, where he's moved up the ladder, has gotten a huge salary $$, and will be up for a very significant promotion in less than a year. So give her some time to adjust - it's not easy. Maybe taking a trip to the city, looking at places, etc. would help. It's hard to offer advice also given that we don't know what you matched into and what she does for a living.
Generally, after the "I hate my life" "all is doomed" shock, when things settle down - it is my experience that most things are workable.

 

[NotAProgDirector]

Has your wife actually been to this place? If not, it would be reasonable to have her go to see it. Perhaps the job prospects aren't as poor as she thinks.

 

[dozitgetchahi]

Was your wife not included on your decision making?

I'm sorry you are going through all of this, but it looks like you have screwed up on a number of levels and I hope that there are people who come after you that will learn from the multitude of mistakes you have made.

Jesus Christ dude, cut this guy a break already.

He made a rank list and matched low on it. I agree that if he wants to be a doctor he just needs to suck it up and go, but as I stated above...doesn't change the fact that he got dealt a ****ty hand.

And while we're at it...one thing I absolutely can't stand seeing anymore is doctors slagging each other over this type of stuff. It's a tough profession. We work our asses off. It grinds people down and we have many docs leaving to do something else when they can't take it anymore. The job is hard enough without your 'colleagues' constantly sniping at you and criticizing what ultimately could turn out to be a really bad family situation of the marriage goes south etc.

The public is NEVER going to respect us the way we want it to if we don't stop verbally beating the **** out of each other.

 

[j4pac]

Jesus Christ dude, cut this guy a break already.

He made a rank list and matched low on it. I agree that if he wants to be a doctor he just needs to suck it up and go, but as I stated above...doesn't change the fact that he got dealt a ****ty hand.

And while we're at it...one thing I absolutely can't stand seeing anymore is doctors slagging each other over this type of stuff. It's a tough profession. We work our asses off. It grinds people down and we have many docs leaving to do something else when they can't take it anymore. The job is hard enough without your 'colleagues' constantly sniping at you and criticizing what ultimately could turn out to be a really bad family situation of the marriage goes south etc.

The public is NEVER going to respect us the way we want it to if we don't stop verbally beating the **** out of each other.

So I'm what's wrong with medicine? Get off your high horse princess.

 

[lemonlove]

If the OP finishes intern year and gets a license, what can this person do, really?

I'm just wondering what benefit having a license with only one year of credit is.

 

[azhrei]

It's probably best if you and your wife sit down and have an honest discussion about your career, her career, and your family. If she is unwilling to move, what will that do to your marriage? What will spending a year away from your kids do for you? How will your medical debt effect your future? There are important questions that only you and your wife can answer. Once you have those, you can make an informed decision about your life.

Ignore the negative posts for negativity sake. Be honest with your priorities and make your decision.

 

[gracie369]

OP, your response would be completely appropriate if you matched somewhere in Yemen. You're going to let matching low on your list break you? Do intern year and then try to transfer! One year goes by fast. Put it into perspective. There are a lot of people on their 3rd round trying to match. Adapt and overcome!

 

[Reverseperistalsis]

So, to those who have ragged on me for all of my "mistakes" and "not discussing things," let me shed some light on the situation.

My wife had a fit at the prospect of moving initially. I explained that, although I would prioritize all local programs, including those which were poor quality and those that would make my commute hellatious, next would have to come a stack of programs that would require a move. The alternative was to risk not matching, thus relinquishing even more control over our location. My wife would intermittently discuss things like a rational adult, while other times refusing to. I was able to eke out a few places she flat out refused to live under any circumstances, plus a few places she intermittently agreed to tolerate… this was the best I could do, and this is how I formed my rank list. I honestly didn't think it would come to that anyway, because so many programs at the top of my list were so noncompetitive. Luckily (????) I landed at a place that she, at one point, agreed to tolerate. It's also a much more solid program than many at the top of my list.

The very difficult thing here is that she will not be forced to discuss things. I would say that I'm the "easygoing one," and have willingly made many, many compromises with jobs/med school throughout the years because I understand this. The unfortunate part about this whole process is that you can be as easygoing as you please, and sometimes you get dealt a hand that takes all choice away from you.

If I decide to go and she won't, it may well be the end of our marriage. If she's that inconsiderate of my want/need to follow this through in order to basically be set for life, then I think it would be best if we went our separate ways. Again, the concern is the kids.

 

[Doctor4Life1769]

Jesus Christ dude, cut this guy a break already.

He made a rank list and matched low on it. I agree that if he wants to be a doctor he just needs to suck it up and go, but as I stated above...doesn't change the fact that he got dealt a ****ty hand.

And while we're at it...one thing I absolutely can't stand seeing anymore is doctors slagging each other over this type of stuff. It's a tough profession. We work our asses off. It grinds people down and we have many docs leaving to do something else when they can't take it anymore. The job is hard enough without your 'colleagues' constantly sniping at you and criticizing what ultimately could turn out to be a really bad family situation of the marriage goes south etc.

The public is NEVER going to respect us the way we want it to if we don't stop verbally beating the **** out of each other.

The public doesn't respect us not because of that, but because we have given away medicine to mid levels.

So, to those who have ragged on me for all of my "mistakes" and "not discussing things," let me shed some light on the situation.

My wife had a fit at the prospect of moving initially. I explained that, although I would prioritize all local programs, including those which were poor quality and those that would make my commute hellatious, next would have to come a stack of programs that would require a move. The alternative was to risk not matching, thus relinquishing even more control over our location. My wife would intermittently discuss things like a rational adult, while other times refusing to. I was able to eke out a few places she flat out refused to live under any circumstances, plus a few places she intermittently agreed to tolerate… this was the best I could do, and this is how I formed my rank list. I honestly didn't think it would come to that anyway, because so many programs at the top of my list were so noncompetitive. Luckily (????) I landed at a place that she, at one point, agreed to tolerate. It's also a much more solid program than many at the top of my list.

The very difficult thing here is that she will not be forced to discuss things. I would say that I'm the "easygoing one," and have willingly made many, many compromises with jobs/med school throughout the years because I understand this. The unfortunate part about this whole process is that you can be as easygoing as you please, and sometimes you get dealt a hand that takes all choice away from you.

If I decide to go and she won't, it may well be the end of our marriage. If she's that inconsiderate of my want/need to follow this through in order to basically be set for life, then I think it would be best if we went our separate ways. Again, the concern is the kids.

She sounds unreasonable, especially since you've been open with your wife and you state you have compromised as much as possible.
This is why I appreciate being single through training. I've had previous GFs who couldn't understand that while they are a priority, training takes precedence more times than not. Good luck with the move - perhaps next time more information would help from the get-go.

 

[j4pac]

So, to those who have ragged on me for all of my "mistakes" and "not discussing things," let me shed some light on the situation.

My wife had a fit at the prospect of moving initially. I explained that, although I would prioritize all local programs, including those which were poor quality and those that would make my commute hellatious, next would have to come a stack of programs that would require a move. The alternative was to risk not matching, thus relinquishing even more control over our location. My wife would intermittently discuss things like a rational adult, while other times refusing to. I was able to eke out a few places she flat out refused to live under any circumstances, plus a few places she intermittently agreed to tolerate… this was the best I could do, and this is how I formed my rank list. I honestly didn't think it would come to that anyway, because so many programs at the top of my list were so noncompetitive. Luckily (????) I landed at a place that she, at one point, agreed to tolerate. It's also a much more solid program than many at the top of my list.

The very difficult thing here is that she will not be forced to discuss things. I would say that I'm the "easygoing one," and have willingly made many, many compromises with jobs/med school throughout the years because I understand this. The unfortunate part about this whole process is that you can be as easygoing as you please, and sometimes you get dealt a hand that takes all choice away from you.

If I decide to go and she won't, it may well be the end of our marriage. If she's that inconsiderate of my want/need to follow this through in order to basically be set for life, then I think it would be best if we went our separate ways. Again, the concern is the kids.

Your situation sucks. I wish you the best.

 

[Reverseperistalsis]

The public doesn't respect us not because of that, but because we have given away medicine to mid levels.

She sounds unreasonable, especially since you've been open with your wife and you state you have compromised as much as possible.
This is why I appreciate being single through training. I've had previous GFs who couldn't understand that while they are a priority, training takes precedence more times than not. Good luck with the move - perhaps next time more information would help from the get-go.

No worries, dude- I was initially trying not to bash her, hence my holding back some info. And no, she doesn't make six figures, work for the FBI, etc. etc. I hate to say it, but the fact of the matter is that she COULD restart her career if she so chose. Or at least, she does not have the basis to rule out the possibility. For me, not moving would end my career before it started and saddle us with insurmountable debt, not to mention be psychologically devastating. It's not that I would choose career over family, it's that I would not choose financial ruin + an unsupportive marriage to a spouse who does not care to consider my needs, over achieving my dream of helping people + financial stability. When her parents got wind of the situation, they prompt told her to quit being a princessy b*tch and do what she had to do. I gotta say, the perspective was rather helpful.

Now, where does this get me….? Well, nowhere fast, to be honest. At this point, I have no choice but to wait it out and hope she comes around.

 

[Doctor4Life1769]

No worries, dude- I was initially trying not to bash her, hence my holding back some info. And no, she doesn't make six figures, work for the FBI, etc. etc. I hate to say it, but the fact of the matter is that she COULD restart her career if she so chose. Or at least, she does not have the basis to rule out the possibility. For me, not moving would end my career before it started and saddle us with insurmountable debt, not to mention be psychologically devastating. It's not that I would choose career over family, it's that I would not choose financial ruin + an unsupportive marriage to a spouse who does not care to consider my needs, over achieving my dream of helping people + financial stability. When her parents got wind of the situation, they prompt told her to quit being a princessy b*tch and do what she had to do. I gotta say, the perspective was rather helpful.

Now, where does this get me….? Well, nowhere fast, to be honest. At this point, I have no choice but to wait it out and hope she comes around.

Well keep the lines of communication open, but at the same time you have to take the position so be sure to keep the conversation flowing in that one direction. There is no turning back until you finish and graduate. Maybe you are the lucky one to broker a transfer, but don't count on that being an option unless it presents itself and you're able to pull it off safely.

It's funny when some people forget the vows they took when they got married. Perhaps, in a subtle way, a reminder may be in order.

 

[caffeinemia]

This story keeps getting better and better.

 

[rokshana]

So, to those who have ragged on me for all of my "mistakes" and "not discussing things," let me shed some light on the situation.

My wife had a fit at the prospect of moving initially. I explained that, although I would prioritize all local programs, including those which were poor quality and those that would make my commute hellatious, next would have to come a stack of programs that would require a move. The alternative was to risk not matching, thus relinquishing even more control over our location. My wife would intermittently discuss things like a rational adult, while other times refusing to. I was able to eke out a few places she flat out refused to live under any circumstances, plus a few places she intermittently agreed to tolerate… this was the best I could do, and this is how I formed my rank list. I honestly didn't think it would come to that anyway, because so many programs at the top of my list were so noncompetitive. Luckily (????) I landed at a place that she, at one point, agreed to tolerate. It's also a much more solid program than many at the top of my list.

The very difficult thing here is that she will not be forced to discuss things. I would say that I'm the "easygoing one," and have willingly made many, many compromises with jobs/med school throughout the years because I understand this. The unfortunate part about this whole process is that you can be as easygoing as you please, and sometimes you get dealt a hand that takes all choice away from you.

If I decide to go and she won't, it may well be the end of our marriage. If she's that inconsiderate of my want/need to follow this through in order to basically be set for life, then I think it would be best if we went our separate ways. Again, the concern is the kids.

remember answers to these posts aren't necessarily just for you...your mistakes are are being highlighted for those reading these post so they won't make the same mistakes.

 

[rokshana]

No worries, dude- I was initially trying not to bash her, hence my holding back some info. And no, she doesn't make six figures, work for the FBI, etc. etc. I hate to say it, but the fact of the matter is that she COULD restart her career if she so chose. Or at least, she does not have the basis to rule out the possibility. For me, not moving would end my career before it started and saddle us with insurmountable debt, not to mention be psychologically devastating. It's not that I would choose career over family, it's that I would not choose financial ruin + an unsupportive marriage to a spouse who does not care to consider my needs, over achieving my dream of helping people + financial stability. When her parents got wind of the situation, they prompt told her to quit being a princessy b*tch and do what she had to do. I gotta say, the perspective was rather helpful.

Now, where does this get me….? Well, nowhere fast, to be honest. At this point, I have no choice but to wait it out and hope she comes around.

maybe ya'll need to sit down with a counselor or minister or someone that has nothing invested to discuss this and help with making some decisions (or she needs to spend some more time with her parents...)

 

[ThoracicGuy]

So, to those who have ragged on me for all of my "mistakes" and "not discussing things," let me shed some light on the situation.

My wife had a fit at the prospect of moving initially. I explained that, although I would prioritize all local programs, including those which were poor quality and those that would make my commute hellatious, next would have to come a stack of programs that would require a move. The alternative was to risk not matching, thus relinquishing even more control over our location. My wife would intermittently discuss things like a rational adult, while other times refusing to. I was able to eke out a few places she flat out refused to live under any circumstances, plus a few places she intermittently agreed to tolerate… this was the best I could do, and this is how I formed my rank list. I honestly didn't think it would come to that anyway, because so many programs at the top of my list were so noncompetitive. Luckily (????) I landed at a place that she, at one point, agreed to tolerate. It's also a much more solid program than many at the top of my list.

The very difficult thing here is that she will not be forced to discuss things. I would say that I'm the "easygoing one," and have willingly made many, many compromises with jobs/med school throughout the years because I understand this. The unfortunate part about this whole process is that you can be as easygoing as you please, and sometimes you get dealt a hand that takes all choice away from you.

If I decide to go and she won't, it may well be the end of our marriage. If she's that inconsiderate of my want/need to follow this through in order to basically be set for life, then I think it would be best if we went our separate ways. Again, the concern is the kids.

That sucks alot. Perhaps as it sinks in more, she'll come to terms with it. Maybe arrange a trip to visit the city one weekend coming up so she can see it in person. I'm not sure if that would help much or not, but it couldn't hurt.

Also, have you considered any marriage counseling? It sounds like you both may benefit from it.

Good luck.

 

[J ROD]

Sorry, dude. Mine is supportive. Understood we might not get the location we wanted.

But, still at the end of the day, you have to be there on 7/1. She does not. Kids are bounce back well. Not ideal but we all do what we have to do in this game called medicine.

It's like the mafia unless you were lucky enough not to have loans. Once you are in, you are in for life. They own you.

 

[smq123]

So, to those who have ragged on me for all of my "mistakes" and "not discussing things," let me shed some light on the situation.

My wife had a fit at the prospect of moving initially. I explained that, although I would prioritize all local programs, including those which were poor quality and those that would make my commute hellatious, next would have to come a stack of programs that would require a move. The alternative was to risk not matching, thus relinquishing even more control over our location. My wife would intermittently discuss things like a rational adult, while other times refusing to. I was able to eke out a few places she flat out refused to live under any circumstances, plus a few places she intermittently agreed to tolerate… this was the best I could do, and this is how I formed my rank list. I honestly didn't think it would come to that anyway, because so many programs at the top of my list were so noncompetitive. Luckily (????) I landed at a place that she, at one point, agreed to tolerate. It's also a much more solid program than many at the top of my list.

The very difficult thing here is that she will not be forced to discuss things. I would say that I'm the "easygoing one," and have willingly made many, many compromises with jobs/med school throughout the years because I understand this. The unfortunate part about this whole process is that you can be as easygoing as you please, and sometimes you get dealt a hand that takes all choice away from you.

If I decide to go and she won't, it may well be the end of our marriage. If she's that inconsiderate of my want/need to follow this through in order to basically be set for life, then I think it would be best if we went our separate ways. Again, the concern is the kids.

I'm sorry to hear this. Initially, I agreed with the other posters that, as you had ranked this program, you had to accept the consequences. However, it sounds like your spouse misled you into thinking that it would be less of a deal than it ended up being. And for that, I'm sorry - that sucks. It sounds like things blew up in your face a bit.

I hope your spouse comes around in a short amount of time. I hope she understands that you ended up with that position because of the Match, not out of malicious intent.

 

[j4pac]

No worries, dude- I was initially trying not to bash her, hence my holding back some info. And no, she doesn't make six figures, work for the FBI, etc. etc. I hate to say it, but the fact of the matter is that she COULD restart her career if she so chose. Or at least, she does not have the basis to rule out the possibility. For me, not moving would end my career before it started and saddle us with insurmountable debt, not to mention be psychologically devastating. It's not that I would choose career over family, it's that I would not choose financial ruin + an unsupportive marriage to a spouse who does not care to consider my needs, over achieving my dream of helping people + financial stability. When her parents got wind of the situation, they prompt told her to quit being a princessy b*tch and do what she had to do. I gotta say, the perspective was rather helpful.

Now, where does this get me….? Well, nowhere fast, to be honest. At this point, I have no choice but to wait it out and hope she comes around.

It appears that both you and your wife have issues with pride and communicating. Your desire to help people and your career aspirations kind of went out of the window when you got married and had children. People hate to hear it but it's true. Being a physician is a job...a stable job that puts food on the table and pays the bills. If that's not your focus, I don't blame your wife for having resentment (though obviously she has issues with her own pride). But you can't change her, you can only work on yourself. I would go to marriage counseling. If your wife doesn't want to go with you...I would go alone. It's often not always the situation alone that creates a vise between couples, but the way that the stressors are communicated. Perhaps that you are doing everything right...and your wife is just a completely helpless person...but there are usually two sides of the story. Get counseling.

What does your wife think that you should do? Have her outline a plan...without you sticking your nose in it. That would at least give you something to work with and maybe it's workable. The wife may just feel helpless and overwhelmed about the situation. Perhaps giving her the perception of control over the issue can help her.

 

[Arcan57]

It appears that both you and your wife have issues with pride and communicating. Your desire to help people and your career aspirations kind of went out of the window when you got married and had children. People hate to hear it but it's true. Being a physician is a job...a stable job that puts food on the table and pays the bills. If that's not your focus, I don't blame your wife for having resentment (though obviously she has issues with her own pride). But you can't change her, you can only work on yourself. I would go to marriage counseling. If your wife doesn't want to go with you...I would go alone. It's often not always the situation alone that creates a vise between couples, but the way that the stressors are communicated. Perhaps that you are doing everything right...and your wife is just a completely helpless person...but there are usually two sides of the story. Get counseling.

What does your wife think that you should do? Have her outline a plan...without you sticking your nose in it. That would at least give you something to work with and maybe it's workable. The wife may just feel helpless and overwhelmed about the situation. Perhaps giving her the perception of control over the issue can help her.

Second the idea of counseling. If you've prioritized minimizing conflict in the marriage it's quite possible that you haven't developed the skillset as a couple of communicating conflicting needs and working out disagreements without damaging the relationship. In the absence of effective communication we start assigning motivations that frequently are incorrect and based on our least charitable assumptions about the person. We also minimize the effect of the actions we take that perpetuate the hurt because we're only acting the way we're acting because our partner left us no other choice.

Even if she won't go, you deserve to have someone that can help you process the stress and give you techniques for dealing with the aftermath.

 

[Doctor4Life1769]

It appears that both you and your wife have issues with pride and communicating. Your desire to help people and your career aspirations kind of went out of the window when you got married and had children. People hate to hear it but it's true. Being a physician is a job...a stable job that puts food on the table and pays the bills. If that's not your focus, I don't blame your wife for having resentment (though obviously she has issues with her own pride). But you can't change her, you can only work on yourself. I would go to marriage counseling. If your wife doesn't want to go with you...I would go alone. It's often not always the situation alone that creates a vise between couples, but the way that the stressors are communicated. Perhaps that you are doing everything right...and your wife is just a completely helpless person...but there are usually two sides of the story. Get counseling.

What does your wife think that you should do? Have her outline a plan...without you sticking your nose in it. That would at least give you something to work with and maybe it's workable. The wife may just feel helpless and overwhelmed about the situation. Perhaps giving her the perception of control over the issue can help her.

Yeah, but he communicated with her before making the rank list. What else do you expect of him? It's a mutual issue and she needs to also step up.

 

[Reverseperistalsis]

Thanks to all, as gaining different objective perspectives has been really helpful as I try to wade through all of this. I'll try to address several points that previous posters have brought up:
1)It's funny that someone brought up having my wife tell me what her ideal plan would be. I actually did just that last night. Her answer: I don't want to move, I don't think I even want you to just quit, I just want things to stay exactly the way they are. My pointing out that this is no longer possible fell on deaf ears.

2)Sadly, she has refused counseling, although I admit that I hadn't considered the possibility of going to counseling alone.

3) I can see how someone might look at my initial desire to quit and say "marriage >>>>helping people." Actually, the further this goes, the more I remember that the reason I went into medicine in the first place is to help people, and the more I'm reminded of that, the stronger my resolve to push on. There is a particular population under duress that I wish to gear my medical career toward helping, which is a cause I have always been passionate about. As you can imagine, attempts to explain this to my wife were received as "getting on my high horse" and "thinking my career is so much more important than hers."

4) I tried to revisit the idea that at one point, my wife had kind of, sort of approved this place… at least to the greatest degree I could get her to approve any place that wasn't here. (Note that she has NEVER been there- with kids, it's hard to do couples interview travel.) She simply said that she didn't know how she'd feel about moving until she was staring it in the face.

She also said that, while she loves me, she has derived an enormous amount of satisfaction from her own career, especially since I have obviously often had to study, be on call, etc. during med school. She perceives that during residency, I'd be even more tied up and she'd have lost the satisfaction she gets from her career that has made this livable. She also feels that me expecting her to leave our current situation would be the equivalent of her telling me I needed to choose between her and medicine, which she isn't actually trying to do. My take on that: I did not ASK for this either- in fact, I did everything possible to avoid it. When choosing med schools, I happily passed up a much more prestigious (and cheaper!) school in a distant city for the sake of our family. I don't mean to use this as collateral, because it didn't feel like a sacrifice given that it was best for my family, and I'd happily make the same decision again in a heartbeat.

It is true that my response to conflict has usually been just to give in because it's "easier for everyone." If you can stay COMPLETELY consistent with that strategy, it works great, until life deals you a hand you can't reasonably change. It also covers up the fact that you don't have adequate conflict resolution skills in the relationship, and that you haven't primed your SO to respect you as an equal.

 

[j4pac]

Thanks to all, as gaining different objective perspectives has been really helpful as I try to wade through all of this. I'll try to address several points that previous posters have brought up:
1)It's funny that someone brought up having my wife tell me what her ideal plan would be. I actually did just that last night. Her answer: I don't want to move, I don't think I even want you to just quit, I just want things to stay exactly the way they are. My pointing out that this is no longer possible fell on deaf ears.

2)Sadly, she has refused counseling, although I admit that I hadn't considered the possibility of going to counseling alone.

3) I can see how someone might look at my initial desire to quit and say "marriage >>>>helping people." Actually, the further this goes, the more I remember that the reason I went into medicine in the first place is to help people, and the more I'm reminded of that, the stronger my resolve to push on. There is a particular population under duress that I wish to gear my medical career toward helping, which is a cause I have always been passionate about. As you can imagine, attempts to explain this to my wife were received as "getting on my high horse" and "thinking my career is so much more important than hers."

4) I tried to revisit the idea that at one point, my wife had kind of, sort of approved this place… at least to the greatest degree I could get her to approve any place that wasn't here. (Note that she has NEVER been there- with kids, it's hard to do couples interview travel.) She simply said that she didn't know how she'd feel about moving until she was staring it in the face.

She also said that, while she loves me, she has derived an enormous amount of satisfaction from her own career, especially since I have obviously often had to study, be on call, etc. during med school. She perceives that during residency, I'd be even more tied up and she'd have lost the satisfaction she gets from her career that has made this livable. She also feels that me expecting her to leave our current situation would be the equivalent of her telling me I needed to choose between her and medicine, which she isn't actually trying to do. My take on that: I did not ASK for this either- in fact, I did everything possible to avoid it. When choosing med schools, I happily passed up a much more prestigious (and cheaper!) school in a distant city for the sake of our family. I don't mean to use this as collateral, because it didn't feel like a sacrifice given that it was best for my family, and I'd happily make the same decision again in a heartbeat.

It is true that my response to conflict has usually been just to give in because it's "easier for everyone." If you can stay COMPLETELY consistent with that strategy, it works great, until life deals you a hand you can't reasonably change. It also covers up the fact that you don't have adequate conflict resolution skills in the relationship, and that you haven't primed your SO to respect you as an equal.

Well...you are doing everything you can do. Unfortunately, you can't control everything in life. Your wife is making a very selfish mistake right now. She appears to be in denial. Hopefully she turns the corner with time elapsed. Try to keep your relationship as strong as possible in the mean time...avoid confrontation. I would still recommend counseling, as it may help you communicate and give you strategies to deal with her.

I would still plan on going to residency. It doesn't appear that she gives two ****s about the wellness of the family and wants to live in la la land. Her poor decision making is going to put your children at risk. Good luck.

 

[Reverseperistalsis]

Well...you are doing everything you can do. Unfortunately, you can't control everything in life. Your wife is making a very selfish mistake right now. She appears to be in denial. Hopefully she turns the corner with time elapsed. Try to keep your relationship as strong as possible in the mean time...avoid confrontation. I would still recommend counseling, as it may help you communicate and give you strategies to deal with her.

I would still plan on going to residency. It doesn't appear that she gives two ****s about the wellness of the family and wants to live in la la land. Her poor decision making is going to put your children at risk. Good luck.

Thanks so much guys. It's very easy to be afraid that I'm the unreasonable/pushy one here, so again, perspective really helps. If I'd fully understood how little control I'd have over location before I started med school, it's questionable whether I'd have done it, but I definitely feel that it's too late to go back now.

One other challenge: since she's still deciding what she will do, I feel obligated to make everything as rosy as possible to increase the chances of her being agreeable, for the sake of our kids.

 

[ThoracicGuy]

Thanks so much guys. It's very easy to be afraid that I'm the unreasonable/pushy one here, so again, perspective really helps. If I'd fully understood how little control I'd have over location before I started med school, it's questionable whether I'd have done it, but I definitely feel that it's too late to go back now.

One other challenge: since she's still deciding what she will do, I feel obligated to make everything as rosy as possible to increase the chances of her being agreeable, for the sake of our kids.

Take her to the city one weekend soon and let her see in person. That could help.

 

[Lostin_space]

Thanks so much guys. It's very easy to be afraid that I'm the unreasonable/pushy one here, so again, perspective really helps. If I'd fully understood how little control I'd have over location before I started med school, it's questionable whether I'd have done it, but I definitely feel that it's too late to go back now.

One other challenge: since she's still deciding what she will do, I feel obligated to make everything as rosy as possible to increase the chances of her being agreeable, for the sake of our kids.

Finding a nice place to live, and making her potential new place as close to the old place goes a long way.

 

[criticalelement]

This is a throw-away account. I just learned that I matched low on my list, which is massively devastating for my family. This was unforeseen, as I ranked by geography, which included 2 non competitive programs in a non-competitive specialty. The program I ended up at is a good one for sure...but for my spouse and kids, again, devastating doesn't begin to describe it.
I realize that my matched program doesn't deserve to be short a resident after demonstrating faith in me. With that said, I am a non-trad who had a great career beforehand. I have plenty of student debt, but in short, I want OUT. I consider myself to be one of the few for whom suicide matching would have been the best option. I feel that life is too short to continue on this soul-crushing path, especially at the expense of my family. Also, my program deserves a complement of residents that will be "all in", and truthfully, I won't be. Insert obvious statement here: I should only have ranked places I was willing to go. Well, that ship has sailed. May others learn from my idiocy.

To sum it up: I want out. I want to forget med school ever happened and go back to my prior career, debt be damned. I realize that I'm still very shell shocked and would like to hear of a) others who pulled out of their match commitments and b) general thoughts on ramifications of this that I may not have thought of yet. Much appreciation to respondants, and congrats to those who are happy with their match results.

you cant get everything you want out of life... I completely agree with you saying you would never do medicine again. It is Soul CRUSHING! BUt Having said that, you gotta do what you gotta do..... you only live once

 

[rokshana]

"thinking my career is so much more important than hers.".

actually at this moment, yes, your career IS more important than hers...because if you do not go to your residency spot, then your career is OVER...if she moves to a new city, hers is not necessarily over AND once you are finished, the income YOU will be able to make will allow her to do whatever she wants...

if her career will allow the reverse (that ya'll could live with her being the sole breadwinner)then that is a different story...

again, agree with counseling or mediation of some sort to work this out, even if that means you initially go solo...may give you some ideas of how to approach things.

 

[mvenus929]

It doesn't appear that she gives two ****s about the wellness of the family and wants to live in la la land. Her poor decision making is going to put your children at risk. Good luck.

While I'm not privy to the OPs relationship with his wife beyond what he has said here, I do feel like this judgement is harsh. She's grieving the loss of a perfect situation. As others have said, she's in the denial stage. Sure, a number of people would just take a deep breath, accept what's happened and try to make the most of it, but she's clearly not that type of person, which is fine, so long as she eventually comes out of the denial and moves on to the acceptance. I imagine she's feeling a loss of control right now, while the OP has had several months of stories and whatnot to process the fact that he might not end up high on his rank list.

Remember, she just found out where the match placed him less than a week ago. It took me a couple weeks to warm up to the idea of going to my program (and the loss of not getting a higher program), and I couldn't have done it nearly as well if I didn't have the support of my family and friends. There's still time to get things done before the big move, and OP, just work on including her on every decision from here out--where you live, what house/apartment you get, etc.

 

[j4pac]

While I'm not privy to the OPs relationship with his wife beyond what he has said here, I do feel like this judgement is harsh. She's grieving the loss of a perfect situation. As others have said, she's in the denial stage. Sure, a number of people would just take a deep breath, accept what's happened and try to make the most of it, but she's clearly not that type of person, which is fine, so long as she eventually comes out of the denial and moves on to the acceptance. I imagine she's feeling a loss of control right now, while the OP has had several months of stories and whatnot to process the fact that he might not end up high on his rank list.

Remember, she just found out where the match placed him less than a week ago. It took me a couple weeks to warm up to the idea of going to my program (and the loss of not getting a higher program), and I couldn't have done it nearly as well if I didn't have the support of my family and friends. There's still time to get things done before the big move, and OP, just work on including her on every decision from here out--where you live, what house/apartment you get, etc.

You pretty much repeated everything you omitted from the quote you took out of context. But yeah...I agree.

And to clarify what I meant...if the wife doesn't turn the corner by the time July 1 comes around...he should go to residency. But I do hope she turns the corner.

 

[22031 Alum]

If I'd fully understood how little control I'd have over location before I started med school, it's questionable whether I'd have done it, but I definitely feel that it's too late to go back now.

This should be stickied, everywhere. I try to impress this upon people who are interested in medicine but have family or other obligations. It's hard to grasp until you're in it.

 

[QofQuimica]

Take her to the city one weekend soon and let her see in person. That could help.

Agree with this. Not only so that she can actually see the logistical possibilities, but so that she and OP can have some alone time without the kids to work through things and grieve together. OP's wife is non-medical and has never gone through the match. Part of the issue may be that she doesn't truly understand what a disappointment this match result is for the OP, either. Sometimes when you're grieving yourself it can be hard to recognize that someone you love is also hurting, especially if the OP doesn't generally share his feelings with her. If they can reach a point where they both feel like they're on the same team figuring out how to overcome this obstacle together, it might paradoxically wind up strengthening their marriage.

Good luck, OP. I hope you and your wife can find your way through this together.

 

[justreachforthesky]

This.

I got 'geographically shafted' before I started IM residency, and let me tell ya...it has sucked hard:

-The sense of loneliness and isolation from family has really done a number on my overall mood and mental state for the last 3 years. I've powered through it and kept my chin up, but I definitely think I met DSM-5 criteria for depression for most of residency, and this has probably gone a long way towards the jaded/burned out/blah feeling i have towards medicine in general at this point. Having my wife/kids nearby would've made it a lot more tolerable.

- The separation has severely strained my marriage. We were frequently close to divorce during residency, and it may yet still happen.

- We waste absurd amounts of money paying on rent in one city/mortgage in another plus two sets of utilities etc...our finances are definitely stressed.

- Driving back and forth from two cities was a huge waste of time/money/wear and tear on my car etc. My car has 213k on it at this point. All this time spent driving etc ate into my reading time and prevented me from getting into a true 'rhythm' for much of residency.

In short...yes you can 'power through' and yes you can do it and yes you probably just need to bite the bullet and do it if you still want to be a doctor, but that doesn't change the fact that it sucks. Don't listen to the people who say it's all gravy and no biggie etc...3 years (or however long your residency is) can seem like a really long time when you're trapped in a situation like I have been.

Fortunately, I got good training at a good IM program, did very well as a resident, and matched fellowship at an outstanding program (name brand, you'd all know it) in the city where my wife/kids have been living. My kids, however, barely know who I am (one was born during residency, and there is good reason to believe the kid isn't even mine - but I digress) and the wife is on the verge of hiring a divorce lawyer. Cleaning up the damage done during residency will probably be much harder than landing that 'prestigious' fellowship spot.

Wow.. this really put things into perspective for me. I wish you the best of luck my friend.

 

[futuremdforme]

Thanks so much guys. It's very easy to be afraid that I'm the unreasonable/pushy one here, so again, perspective really helps. If I'd fully understood how little control I'd have over location before I started med school, it's questionable whether I'd have done it, but I definitely feel that it's too late to go back now.

One other challenge: since she's still deciding what she will do, I feel obligated to make everything as rosy as possible to increase the chances of her being agreeable, for the sake of our kids.

Have you talked about what sacrifices you're willing to make later? E.g. not doing a fellowship and taking a job that brings you back to your geographic location?

You said it's driving distance (yes, barely) for the weekends right? That's not actually so bad especially since she has family around.

What was her take on med school? Did you two talk about this? Did you change desired specialties to something more competitive? I really feel for both of you but I don't think that SDN is really very fair to SO's who are reluctant to give up everything for the partner who wants to be a doctor. Careers are not all about money alone. Her career is probably is a big factor in her self-image, and frankly at this point in the marriage, being financially independent is probably pretty important.

My thought is that the best thing you can do would be to start doing research on how to make sure this is only going to be a limited time aka you take whatever job you can get afterward. And consider whether a move after intern year could somehow be an option. What sacrifices have you made on this journey? Your old career, etc, don't count because you gave that up for you. What have you given up for her?

EDIT: Not trying to be unsympathetic for you. I truly feel for you both, but I'm just trying to think it through in a way that could help based on the experience of a few people I know.

 

[Law2Doc]

Have you talked about what sacrifices you're willing to make later? E.g. not doing a fellowship and taking a job that brings you back to your geographic location?

You said it's driving distance (yes, barely) for the weekends right? That's not actually so bad especially since she has family around.

What was her take on med school? Did you two talk about this? Did you change desired specialties to something more competitive? I really feel for both of you but I don't think that SDN is really very fair to SO's who are reluctant to give up everything for the partner who wants to be a doctor. Careers are not all about money alone. Her career is probably is a big factor in her self-image, and frankly at this point in the marriage, being financially independent is probably pretty important.

My thought is that the best thing you can do would be to start doing research on how to make sure this is only going to be a limited time aka you take whatever job you can get afterward. And consider whether a move after intern year could somehow be an option. What sacrifices have you made on this journey? Your old career, etc, don't count because you gave that up for you. What have you given up for her?

EDIT: Not trying to be unsympathetic for you. I truly feel for you both, but I'm just trying to think it through in a way that could help based on the experience of a few people I know.

I don't think it's about SDN being "fair" to spouses unwilling to locate. Our point is the match is a long drawn out process that didn't just happen in March and there were multiple points, between choosing specialty, sending applications, going on interviews, ranking, at which time the spouse ought to have been involved in the conversation and given a seal of approval to the places OP was choosing. OP probably should have limited his efforts to geographies that worked for his family, and added a backup specialty if needed. He created this issue, not us and not the NRMP. in light of his taking this unilateral "all in" approach, SDNs responses are totally appropriate here.