How did you meet the "One"?

[Smilemaker100]

Hi all you "lovebirds"!

I love to hear about how couples (especially happily married ones) met, how long they dated and how they were proposed to . Also, how did you know that your partner was the "One"?

I haven't met the "One", though there were times I thought I did , I now realize they were not the "One" . I am presently single and am looking for "inspirational" ideas to increase my chances of meeting the "One" such as taking dance lessons, hanging out at cafes etc. I am not a bar type person nor do I believe in meeting members of the opposite sex through personals ads.

A lot of people don't understand why someone who is "attractive, talented, charming, funny, generous,good-hearted and intelligent" ( so I have been told) such as I am, is not involved in a long term relationship or married. Well, the answer is simple- I have been too busy studying, involved with my hobbies (which for the most part are lonely activities) and hanging out with the same girlfriends/gang of friends so I haven't exposed myself to the "market". Well, now I have decided to work on that !!!!

I am not really on the"hunt"/ "prowl" but you have to "get out there" in order to meet people. If I meet a nice young eligible man that would be nice, if not , at least I can make new friends. Any cute stories to share? Any ideas? I am tired of feeling sorry for myself and believing that all the "good" men are either taken or are gay! I am happy with the status quo of my life but I think it is about time that I deserve some hot romance in my life !!!! Thanks

---

Members don't see this ad.

 

[ZanMD]

stop looking for the "one" it just makes you look (and act( desperate... you should get a hobby.. you may end up meeting someone with common interests. The harder you look for the "one" the less likely you are to meet him.

 

[delchrys]

i met mine at my best friend's wedding in erie, PA. i was his best man, and she was his bride's maid of honor.

true story, and probably not the thrill-filled, frilly adventure you were hoping for, but it is what it is.

 

[adpitan]

I have to agree w/ZanMD about not looking. Why should you? I truly believe when you stop looking it will come to you. In the mean time concentrate on who you are, what you want out of life, what you are passionate about, what "does it" for you. If you feel you aren't putting yourself in a position to meet someone then get out more or ask someone to set you up. You have a lifetime to be with someone, enjoy the time you have now to do the things you've always wanted to do. There is nothing wrong w/going on a trip by yourself, going to a movie by yourself. You never know, you may discover things about yourself that you never knew about.


Enjoy life.

 

[alison_in_oh]

Well, I met my husband in college so I don't guess that's particularly helpful to you. He was a friend of a friend of a friend. I thought he was cute, he thought I was cute, and we interacted occasionally for a couple of months before getting a little sloshed at a post-Christmas caroling party and admitting our feelings.

We were pretty sure we were in it for the long haul after just a few months, but as the years went on we each grew as people and our connection flourished as a result. We started talking about "when, not if" we'd get married by the time we'd been together, oh, 2 years. His proposal was nonetheless quite a surprise when he got down on one knee on the beach in South Carolina, during a reunion for my family that took place a couple of weeks after we moved across the country to prepare for him to go to medical school. At that point we'd been together just shy of five years.

If I were available now in my 20's, I think I'd simply try to strike up friendships with interesting people of all sorts, both of my target gender and not. I meet nice friendly people at work and on the bus all the time, and if I wanted to expand my friendship circle, especially with an eye to romance, I'd invite them on outings or throw little casual barbeques. For example, with my current lifestyle I might have a knit-in at a coffeeshop with some pals (as a bonus, guys are inexplicably drawn to knitting in public!) or ask a few people to go for a hike or a bike ride...group activities are always less intimidating than trying to pick someone up for a date, and the kind of guy you can simply have a good time with is, IMO, the kind you can spend a lifetime with.

We actually do this as a couple, "picking up" other couples in order to strike up friendships. It works pretty well. I'm also making some friends through knitting and cycling. (It's tough to leave your social groups 2500 miles behind!)

 

[Smilemaker100]

stop looking for the "one" it just makes you look (and act( desperate... you should get a hobby.. you may end up meeting someone with common interests. The harder you look for the "one" the less likely you are to meet him.

I have a lot of hobbies but they are mostly solitary activities. I am not desparate and I know I shouldn't be "actively" looking, however, if you stay cooped up in your apartment and don't socialize, you will never make new friends or meet the "One". All I am asking is where are the good hangouts to meet new people.

 

[taylor92107]

Hi all you "lovebirds"!

I love to hear about how couples (especially happily married ones) met, how long they dated and how they were proposed to . Also, how did you know that your partner was the "One"?

I haven't met the "One", though there were times I thought I did , I now realize they were not the "One" . I am presently single and am looking for "inspirational" ideas to increase my chances of meeting the "One" such as taking dance lessons, hanging out at cafes etc. I am not a bar type person nor do I believe in meeting members of the opposite sex through personals ads.

A lot of people don't understand why someone who is "attractive, talented, charming, funny, generous,good-hearted and intelligent" ( so I have been told) such as I am, is not involved in a long term relationship or married. Well, the answer is simple- I have been too busy studying, involved with my hobbies (which for the most part are lonely activities) and hanging out with the same girlfriends/gang of friends so I haven't exposed myself to the "market". Well, now I have decided to work on that !!!!

I am not really on the"hunt"/ "prowl" but you have to "get out there" in order to meet people. If I meet a nice young eligible man that would be nice, if not , at least I can make new friends. Any cute stories to share? Any ideas? I am tired of feeling sorry for myself and believing that all the "good" men are either taken or are gay! I am happy with the status quo of my life but I think it is about time that I deserve some hot romance in my life !!!! Thanks

Stop looking, trust me, it will just happen: here's my story to prove it.
My friends and I had went down to Mexico for the night to go around to the clubs and celebrate my friends b-day. I met this guy who was pretty cool so we exchanged numbers and decided get our friends together the next weekend. So we met up (his friends and mine) and went out to the club together, I guess you could call it a date. Now this club (in downtown San Diego) had this drink you could buy for $20 which consisted of a bucket (yes, I said a BUCKET) of alcohol. Let my there was more tha one bucket which I drank that night. Anyways, my friend notices this other guy and starts telling me, 'hey check out that guy over there, he's really hot' (mind you I'm already on a date). Well, the guy kept staring at me and I noticed it looked like he was about to leave the club. So I ran up behind him, tapped him on the shoulder and said 'hey....you're not leaving without me are you?' He was like, 'ugh....no!'. He was completely sober because he was driving that night and I was piss drunk. I had met these guys from Australia who kept bugging me so I finally introduced them to my new friend (not my date) as my husband so they would leave me alone. The guy (now my husband) was totally cool about it (although I think he thought I was nuts).
Well, that was 4 years ago and we've been married for about 1 1/2 years now. I'm not sure what ever happend to my date but if I wouldn't have met him, I'd never have met my husband. So see, it will happen when it happens, don't try to rush it.

 

[Smilemaker100]

i met mine at my best friend's wedding in erie, PA. i was his best man, and she was his bride's maid of honor.

true story, and probably not the thrill-filled, frilly adventure you were hoping for, but it is what it is.

Talk about kismet !

 

[Smilemaker100]

Stop looking, trust me, it will just happen: here's my story to prove it.
My friends and I had went down to Mexico for the night to go around to the clubs and celebrate my friends b-day. I met this guy who was pretty cool so we exchanged numbers and decided get our friends together the next weekend. So we met up (his friends and mine) and went out to the club together, I guess you could call it a date. Now this club (in downtown San Diego) had this drink you could buy for $20 which consisted of a bucket (yes, I said a BUCKET) of alcohol. Let my there was more tha one bucket which I drank that night. Anyways, my friend notices this other guy and starts telling me, 'hey check out that guy over there, he's really hot' (mind you I'm already on a date). Well, the guy kept staring at me and I noticed it looked like he was about to leave the club. So I ran up behind him, tapped him on the shoulder and said 'hey....you're not leaving without me are you?' He was like, 'ugh....no!'. He was completely sober because he was driving that night and I was piss drunk. I had met these guys from Australia who kept bugging me so I finally introduced them to my new friend (not my date) as my husband so they would leave me alone. The guy (now my husband) was totally cool about it (although I think he thought I was nuts).
Well, that was 4 years ago and we've been married for about 1 1/2 years now. I'm not sure what ever happend to my date but if I wouldn't have met him, I'd never have met my husband. So see, it will happen when it happens, don't try to rush it.

I'm not rushing it but I simply haven't been on the "market" for a while...I was too busy with school for all my 20s and the only times I socialized was with the same group of friends so I never really met new people. I agree that it's not in our hands to decide- I do believe in destiny but these days I am having a hard time having any faith I will meet the "One"...I have to meet new faces and who knows? It's all up to God but like they say "God helps those that help themselves."

 

[taylor92107]

I'm not rushing it but I simply haven't been on the "market" for a while...I was too busy with school for all my 20s and the only times I socialized was with the same group of friends so I never really met new people. I agree that it's not in our hands to decide- I do believe in destiny but these days I am having a hard time having any faith I will meet the "One"...I have to meet new faces and who knows? It's all up to God but like they say "God helps those that help themselves."

It well come when ou least expect it

 

[tess2005]

I met my husband drunk (both of us) in a bar during his first visit ever to my university town, a five-hour trip from the city where he lived. We ended up dancing that night, having a real date the next night, and then a long-distance relationship for just over a year. We were engaged in 8 months and married in 20 months. It's been amazing, but I agree that you are most likely to find someone when you aren't looking. We were both just out to have a good time and neither of us had intentions of meeting someone.

JUST HAVE A GOOD TIME and things will work out better than you could ever plan.

 

[taylor92107]

I met my husband drunk (both of us) in a bar during his first visit ever to my university town, a five-hour trip from the city where he lived. We ended up dancing that night, having a real date the next night, and then a long-distance relationship for just over a year. We were engaged in 8 months and married in 20 months. It's been amazing, but I agree that you are most likely to find someone when you aren't looking. We were both just out to have a good time and neither of us had intentions of meeting someone.

JUST HAVE A GOOD TIME and things will work out better than you could ever plan.

How funny, when I met my husband I was about 2 1/2 hours from home (I'm from LA, we met in San Diego). We had a long distance relationship until we got married. We also had to deal with a 6 month deployment (he was in Iraq). Our situations prove that long distance relationships can work if its really meant to be.

 

[Febrifuge]

I was in Mexico for a buddy's bachelor party, and we met this bunch of women. One of 'em was especially nice, and we hit it off. We exchanged numbers, then the some of the people in the same crew got together again a few weekends later, to go to a club in San Diego. After I bought her this, like, gigantic BUCKET of alcohol, I think she maybe bought herself another one. She eventually disappeared with some dude and I never saw her again.

But I was telling this story later on in a coffee shop with my other buddies, and they were giving me crap about it. The barista came over and gave me a free mocha, and on the napkin she had written a note. It said "she was a fool. You're funny and cute." Then there was her number. We just celebrated our 4th anniversary.



Okay, no, none of that ever happened. But my point is, I think you're looking for good stories. Most people's are pretty good, but that's just because they show how the person was living life to the fullest and having fun being in their own skin, you know?

Don't think of it as looking for "The One." Think of it as being the best version of yourself you can be. That will make life more interesting and satisfying for you, and it will allow "The One" to recognize you as their "The One."

 

[taylor92107]

But I was telling this story later on in a coffee shop with my other buddies, and they were giving me crap about it. The barista came over and gave me a free mocha, and on the napkin she had written a note. It said "she was a fool. You're funny and cute." Then there was her number. We just celebrated our 4th anniversary.

So thats what happened

 

[CoffeeMug]

Every time I hear someone say "the one" it makes me nauseous.

I met my girlfriend (three years now) on a New Years party. She was half naked playing strip poker with five other guys.

 

[Smilemaker100]

I have to agree w/ZanMD about not looking. Why should you? I truly believe when you stop looking it will come to you. In the mean time concentrate on who you are, what you want out of life, what you are passionate about, what "does it" for you. If you feel you aren't putting yourself in a position to meet someone then get out more or ask someone to set you up. You have a lifetime to be with someone, enjoy the time you have now to do the things you've always wanted to do. There is nothing wrong w/going on a trip by yourself, going to a movie by yourself. You never know, you may discover things about yourself that you never knew about.


Enjoy life.

I am enjoying my life at this point in time- more than I ever had because I have finally finished my university studies and gained some independence. I feel passionately about a lot of things. Believe me- if anyone knows themselves well it is I. I have spent many hours reading all sorts of self help books , reading about religion and spirituality, spending time on hobbies, etc. In other words, I think I have arrived at a point in my life where I can be very giving and am "ready" for a significant relationship. I know you can't "look" for the "One" but at the same time, I still should go out more often and socialize more...the least harm I can do to myself is gain new friends.

 

[ZanMD]

I have a lot of hobbies but they are mostly solitary activities. I am not desparate and I know I shouldn't be "actively" looking, however, if you stay cooped up in your apartment and don't socialize, you will never make new friends or meet the "One". All I am asking is where are the good hangouts to meet new people.

Try to find new hobbies that involve other people, or try to turn your solitary hobby into a social one... while you shouldn't be eagerly seeking, being antisocial won't work either. Find the comfortable in between zone.

 

[taylor92107]

Try to find new hobbies that involve other people, or try to turn your solitary hobby into a social one... while you shouldn't be eagerly seeking, being antisocial won't work either. Find the comfortable in between zone.

Or you could just get wasted at a bar or naked in a game of strip poker. Hey, it worked for some of us

 

[ZanMD]

Or you could just get wasted at a bar or naked in a game of strip poker. Hey, it worked for some of us

that was going to be my next choice-hey, it's the journey, not the destination

 

[adpitan]

I have a lot of hobbies but they are mostly solitary activities. I am not desparate and I know I shouldn't be "actively" looking, however, if you stay cooped up in your apartment and don't socialize, you will never make new friends or meet the "One". All I am asking is where are the good hangouts to meet new people.

I think the point of everyones story is that there is no good hangout to meet new people or everywhere is a good hangout as long as you aren't alone in your apt. I too have many solitary activities and I know it is a hard habit to break but you have to be willing to change things up and not be in such a routine. New people are everywhere...of course they are more abundant when you are drunk or playing strip poker but in any case, it's up to us to go out and be adventurous...talk to the bartender, talk to the guy standing behind you in the grocery line if you think he's hot...you never know you could end up with him or his best friend.

 

[adpitan]

I am enjoying my life at this point in time- more than I ever had because I have finally finished my university studies and gained some independence. I feel passionately about a lot of things. Believe me- if anyone knows themselves well it is I. I have spent many hours reading all sorts of self help books , reading about religion and spirituality, spending time on hobbies, etc. In other words, I think I have arrived at a point in my life where I can be very giving and am "ready" for a significant relationship. I know you can't "look" for the "One" but at the same time, I still should go out more often and socialize more...the least harm I can do to myself is gain new friends.

Sorry but I wasn't talking about reading self-help books, religion or spirituality...I was talking about going out and trying new things, rock climbing, dance class, archery, something you've never done before. Kayaking? Your soulmate isn't in the book your're reading, he could very well be sitting next to you at the coffee shop. Go out and test yourself, push yourself, you could put yourself in a whole new position to meet new ppl by trying new things. I am a huge advocate of reading but cut back a little and take a look at what's around you.

 

[Smilemaker100]

Sorry but I wasn't talking about reading self-help books, religion or spirituality...I was talking about going out and trying new things, rock climbing, dance class, archery, something you've never done before. Kayaking? Your soulmate isn't in the book your're reading, he could very well be sitting next to you at the coffee shop. Go out and test yourself, push yourself, you could put yourself in a whole new position to meet new ppl by trying new things. I am a huge advocate of reading but cut back a little and take a look at what's around you.

My point was that I have figured out who I am and what I want out of my life at this point in time . My moments of spiritual introspection and the books I read partly contributed to this development. I want a man who knows he desires me more than any woman he has ever met in his life- tough luck if he is indecisive- you either want me or don't - it's black or white- yes or no and that's the end of the story , otherwise don't waste my time, life is too short to waste on fools.

I do go out but I am not on the prowl...someone told me I was intimidating to men and didn't fully understand why. I am pretty down to earth and non-judgemental. In any case, I am going to add some variety in my life and maybe I'll see some changes. In any case, it's not entirely up to me but SERENDIPITY...I am a strong believer in the concepts of synchronicity or fate- God has a plan for everyone and it isn't necessarily the same one for each human being. I have to accept all the little things that make me happy each day and be satisfied with that. You can't have everything you want all at once. Everything has a time and a place and some things simply don't happen for a certain reason...

 

[alison_in_oh]

I want a man who knows he desires me more than any woman he has ever met in his life- tough luck if he is indecisive- you either want me or don't - it's black or white- yes or no and that's the end of the story , otherwise don't waste my time, life is too short to waste on fools.

...someone told me I was intimidating to men and didn't fully understand why

Honestly? I think these two are connected.

Do you have *any* guy friends? Fellas to hang out with? It sounds like you treat men and women completely differently. I think that friendship leads to romance, and treating all men as contenders for you as a prize -- to be utterly discarded if they don't perform to standards -- isn't conducive to forming friendships with them.

Don't get me wrong, my husband treats me like a princess, but he also treats me as a friend and confidant and equal -- and always has.

 

[ZanMD]

Honestly? I think these two are connected.

Do you have *any* guy friends? Fellas to hang out with? It sounds like you treat men and women completely differently. I think that friendship leads to romance, and treating all men as contenders for you as a prize -- to be utterly discarded if they don't perform to standards -- isn't conducive to forming friendships with them.

Don't get me wrong, my husband treats me like a princess, but he also treats me as a friend and confidant and equal -- and always has.

Agreed.. there's a fine line between arrogance and confidence, and you're straying on the other side. If a woman came at me as if she were a gift(and some have) I'd tell her and her attitude to keep walking(and I have). Speaking for myself, and I think the majority men, we like confidence, not domination. And definitely approachability. Be humble or you will scare the guys.

 

[Febrifuge]

I concur with Alison. SmileMaker, you say a lot of wise and knowing things about serendipity and being happy in the small things. But I'm going to focus on something else you said, and see if maybe there's something to it, because I think it might shed some light.

You say you're not "on the prowl," and you "have no time for fools." One way to interpret that is as revealing a sort of quiet and pervasive negativity -- toward the idea of you being actively involved in the process. I may be way off-base, but judging from the way you've expressed the idea, it sounds as though you're saying you want some guy to...

* notice you before you notice him
* desire you "more than any other woman he has met in his life"
* approach you before you approach him
* win you over before he wins you over (i.e., be completely invested before you are very invested at all)

...and only in doing these things will a guy really inspire your interest. You don't seem to give any credence to the idea that you might be the one who notices him, you wouldn't be willing to approach him, you wouldn't want to risk putting yourself on the line unless you know he is 110% into it.

Which, to me, is so self-protective (and to be blunt about it, so self-centered) as to be a real obstacle. Nobody wants to feel like they need to climb over a wall to even get a chance to see if there might be compatibility and mutual attraction with someone. The up-front emotional and energy investment you are demanding of potential partners is very, very high.

I think you actually are down-to-earth and non-judgemental. But I want to offer up the idea that your standards are prohibitive. Not in terms of judgemental attitudes about people, or their characteristics, but in terms of the way you desire the process to work. I think that might be what comes across as intimidating.

Long story short, we need to be willing to risk, or we are never ever going to win.

 

[CoffeeMug]

Which, to me, is so self-protective (and to be blunt about it, so self-centered)

And to be blunt and honest about it, it's also the stupidest thing I've ever heard. If she does meet someone like that (unlikely, but I suppose possible) the guy will be a psycho because he'll be "madly in love" with someone he barely knows. Even if he is normal but has temporary insanity attack (even less likely, but who knows what could happen these days) such a relationship will fail because eventually he'll find out that he was madly in love with an image in his head that differs from the real person entirely.

I'm not even going to get into what I think about self help books and people that read them.

 

[ZanMD]

Ya I have to agaree with febrifuge- I've met a few women like that before. I learned to just move on when I encounter them. They are people who validate themselves by getting someone who's into them more than they are into them, which allows them to control the guy. It really all comes down to a control issue. Women like this want to be in control, so they find someone weaker emotionally and mentally than them, and proceed to dominate him through minipulation. And thus, they validate themselves.

Of course I'm not saying this is the OP- that's reading a bit too much into her posts to make that assumption

 

[Smilemaker100]

Honestly? I think these two are connected.

Do you have *any* guy friends? Fellas to hang out with? It sounds like you treat men and women completely differently. I think that friendship leads to romance, and treating all men as contenders for you as a prize -- to be utterly discarded if they don't perform to standards -- isn't conducive to forming friendships with them.

Don't get me wrong, my husband treats me like a princess, but he also treats me as a friend and confidant and equal -- and always has.

Yes, as a matter of fact I do have guy friends and one of whom is a very good friend. I get along with members of the opposite sex rather famously- I do feel at ease with them. However, in the romantic sense I fail.

And yes, I do consider myself a "prize" to the future "One" and I seek a guy who thinks that he has something special to offer as well. But it isn't really vain or pride but a matter of treating oneself well and with utmost respect. If you don't respect yourself, others won't.

 

[Smilemaker100]

Agreed.. there's a fine line between arrogance and confidence, and you're straying on the other side. If a woman came at me as if she were a gift(and some have) I'd tell her and her attitude to keep walking(and I have). Speaking for myself, and I think the majority men, we like confidence, not domination. And definitely approachability. Be humble or you will scare the guys.

No, I am not arrogant and as a matter of fact I "playdown" some of my qualities so I don't seem intimidating . However, I must admit, that when I was a teenager I had a little arrogance but because of various experiences I have become humbler.

I don't see anything wrong with a woman thinking she is a "gift" - that is that she has something different and special to offer- after all isn't it this very quality that will draw a special man to such a woman? I am personally attracted to a man who carries himself with confidence and is rather unique and special.

 

[CoffeeMug]

And yes, I do consider myself a "prize" to the future "One" and I seek a guy who thinks that he has something special to offer as well.

What exactly do *you* have to offer that millions of other women can't?

 

[Smilemaker100]

I concur with Alison. SmileMaker, you say a lot of wise and knowing things about serendipity and being happy in the small things. But I'm going to focus on something else you said, and see if maybe there's something to it, because I think it might shed some light.

You say you're not "on the prowl," and you "have no time for fools." One way to interpret that is as revealing a sort of quiet and pervasive negativity -- toward the idea of you being actively involved in the process. I may be way off-base, but judging from the way you've expressed the idea, it sounds as though you're saying you want some guy to...

* notice you before you notice him
* desire you "more than any other woman he has met in his life"
* approach you before you approach him
* win you over before he wins you over (i.e., be completely invested before you are very invested at all)

...and only in doing these things will a guy really inspire your interest. You don't seem to give any credence to the idea that you might be the one who notices him, you wouldn't be willing to approach him, you wouldn't want to risk putting yourself on the line unless you know he is 110% into it.

Which, to me, is so self-protective (and to be blunt about it, so self-centered) as to be a real obstacle. Nobody wants to feel like they need to climb over a wall to even get a chance to see if there might be compatibility and mutual attraction with someone. The up-front emotional and energy investment you are demanding of potential partners is very, very high.

I think you actually are down-to-earth and non-judgemental. But I want to offer up the idea that your standards are prohibitive. Not in terms of judgemental attitudes about people, or their characteristics, but in terms of the way you desire the process to work. I think that might be what comes across as intimidating.

Long story short, we need to be willing to risk, or we are never ever going to win.

That's damn right, boy! I am a "Rules" girl (go by "The Rules" books). I have been direct a few times in my life with a few men and been wounded enough to know that I should never express myself at the beginning because that way you give someone the power to hurt you.

I am very traditional in that I believe men should be the aggressor and women should be passive. It's natural that women attract and men flock to them- it is observed in all levels of the animal kingdom but unfortunately, the feminist movement has screwed up the mentality of both women and men. We are not the same biologically and never will be.

As usual, my mom has always been right-it never works out when a woman chases a man...that is to say calling too much and being too invasive in a man's life. I didn't follow my mom's advice many times and only hurt myself but know I realize that mom is always right!!!! Never ever ever again even if that means I end up being a nun in a convent!!!!

 

[Smilemaker100]

And to be blunt and honest about it, it's also the stupidest thing I've ever heard. If she does meet someone like that (unlikely, but I suppose possible) the guy will be a psycho because he'll be "madly in love" with someone he barely knows. Even if he is normal but has temporary insanity attack (even less likely, but who knows what could happen these days) such a relationship will fail because eventually he'll find out that he was madly in love with an image in his head that differs from the real person entirely.

I'm not even going to get into what I think about self help books and people that read them.

I am not expecting a man to be madly in love with me at the beginning, however, I think it should be the man who approaches a woman first and demonstrates interest first. Be honest...don't men like a challenge? Women who seek a man or seem desparate are not respected. Men will perhaps say that they like an aggressive woman if asked, however, deep inside, I think they really have more respect for a woman who is more passive.

And that last remark you made...Let's just say that those who think they are perfect are the people I can't stand the most. The type of books which I consider "self-help" are the writings of C.Jung, books by the Dalai Lama, Dr Wayne Dyer, Dr Deepak Chopra and others...they are books that deal with existentialism . If you can't admit that you have weaknesses or need spiritual growth, I would say you were vain or inhuman. Just the fact that you are judging me shows that you are intolerant. I think that someone who admits they have weaknesses or certain flaws in their caracter is brave and honest. And to be damn honest, everyone has weaknesses!

 

[Smilemaker100]

What exactly do *you* have to offer that millions of other women can't?

Everyone has something unique about them...my uniqueness will be appreciated by the one who discovers it and I am not going to try to "sell" myself here. My uniqueness can't be appreciated by everybody- only the "One" will recognize those qualities about me and feel blessed. That question is way too personal to answer and it can't even be expressed in words. Anyhow, why should you care? I don't even know you. Frankly, let me politely say "it's N.O.Y.B"

 

[CoffeeMug]

I am not expecting a man to be madly in love with me at the beginning, however, I think it should be the man who approaches a woman first and demonstrates interest first.

That's not what you said earlier.

I want a man who knows he desires me more than any woman he has ever met in his life- tough luck if he is indecisive- you either want me or don't - it's black or white- yes or no and that's the end of the story , otherwise don't waste my time, life is too short to waste on fools.

From the context it sounded like you want all of that *before* he even gets to know you. That's very different from simply demonstrating some interest.

Be honest...don't men like a challenge?

Be honest, don't women like vanilla icecream and despise chocolate icecream?

The type of books which I consider "self-help" are the writings of C.Jung, books by the Dalai Lama, Dr Wayne Dyer, Dr Deepak Chopra and others...they are books that deal with existentialism.

Let's just say we have a difference of opinion here and leave it at that.

Everyone has something unique about them...

Exactly, which makes uniqueness in and of itself worthless. Everyone has it, so it's obviously not a rare commodity.

My uniqueness can't be appreciated by everybody- only the "One" will recognize those qualities about me and feel blessed.

Did you ever bother to consider the possibility that there might not be such a thing as "The One"?

That question is way too personal to answer and it can't even be expressed in words.

I just don't think you're this wonderful bundle of joy that you think you are. What you consider unique and special about yourself would most likely be classified as "baggage" by most people.

 

[Febrifuge]

I am a "Rules" girl...

Dang, I should have bet money you'd say that.

Best of luck to you, and I sincerely hope that you find what you want that way. I'm convinced that there's a whole spectrum of guys you are excluding by making that choice -- and so I hope your "The One" a guy who shares your views.

 

[Febrifuge]

I have been direct a few times in my life with a few men and been wounded enough to know that I should never express myself at the beginning because that way you give someone the power to hurt you.

Hang it all, I have to make another comment. Your goal can be to find someone special and be happy, or your goal can be to never get hurt. I think you'll find that like most everything else in life, what you get is related to what you give. And you can't have everything you want. And ultimately, it's a good thing that you can't.

I'm sorry about your misadventures and the times you've been hurt, but we have all been there. It's a part of how we become able to have good relationships later on.

The 21st century is a pretty great place to be. You came in here asking for advice, so here's mine: take the book out of the underwear drawer, and give it to your mom. Then go out into the world -- with no strategy, no plan, no weapons, and no armor. See what happens. Learn from everything. Get your ass kicked a few times. Find out what's beautiful, what's scary, and what's funny. That's how you find "it," whether "it" may be a person, a situation, a relationship, a career... or a sense of peace with yourself.

Stop thinking of yourself as incomplete or lacking for something. And for godsakes, stop thinking of yourself as a "creature," even a miraculous wonderful one that any guy would be lucky to "have." Maybe this won't make sense until much later, but that's actually not a complimentary and positive way to think of yourself. "The Rules" is a big step backward. Also, it doesn't work. Good luck out there.

 

[adpitan]

You know, I dropped into this thread because the title intrigued me. But the more I read the moreI realize that I enjoy being single. Granted there are some days that I wish I had someone to come home to and vent or just to hold me or to be there or to send flowers unexpectedly but then I realize that some days that I like coming home alone and not having to deal with someone being there or wanting to know what happened or why I'm in a foul mood. I hope no one perceives me as being aggressive or too invasive because I do finally ask out the guy. The only help we need is searching within ourselves and finding happiness. The Dali Lama can't tell me that and I'm damn sure not spending $24.99 for him to tell me that. I think once we find ourselves and make peace withourselves and who we are and stop being so damn defensive and to "let nature take it's course" is when things truly begin to happen. Nothing should ever be forced or sought out.

Of course, I'm single what do I know, right?

 

[alison_in_oh]

And yes, I do consider myself a "prize" to the future "One" and I seek a guy who thinks that he has something special to offer as well. But it isn't really vain or pride but a matter of treating oneself well and with utmost respect. If you don't respect yourself, others won't.

For some reason you came to mind this morning as I was walking to work, and I realized what disturbs me about your outlook toward men, partnerships, dating, yourself.

You are the adult version of the preteen and young teenaged girls who cultivate anorexia in order to mold themselves to an unachievable ideal.

You, who decry the over-sexualization of youngsters, are part of the movement of under-sexualization that is proving just as damaging.

These little girls conceive of the notion of what "Men like...": a certain type, a fragile beautiful creature that needs their protection. They create a dream, one in which a big powerful man sweeps in, cradles their tiny waist, gently kisses them in fear of breaking their bird-like bones, and then just holds them. No demands, no nasty dirty sex that they've heard all about in sex ed. And then they work to achieve it, telling themselves they are above eating food, because the dream must become reality.

You, by contrast, have the emotional version of this distressing affliction. Your Rhett Butler, your Elizabethan gentleman -- it's an unachievable ideal for which you are molding your personality to be their wilting flower. It's like you consider yourself above a little dalliance, a little emotional or even physical intimacy that might lead to pain. But 'tis truly better to have loved and lost, after all.

You started this thread in order to determine the perfect place to lie in wait for your soulmate to find you. The person you're looking for is going to come serenade you at your balcony -- no need to leave your apartment.

But if you want a real person, a real partner with all the give and take, love and loss that entails, there's a lot of good advice in this thread: above all, live life to the fullest and don't be afraid to take risks. :\

EDIT: I also just wanted to point out this common misperception that feminism means considering men and women the SAME. Feminism means honestly considering all genders, trans-genders, whatever, to be EQUALLY valuable in society. In addition, it means that gender shouldn't determine what paths you can CHOOSE in life -- they're CHOICES. You're in medical training because of the feminist movement! Don't knock it!

 

[alison_in_oh]

Of course, I'm single what do I know, right?

I think you've got the best approach of anybody in this thread. If you love yourself and live life to the fullest, then maybe if you want them to a person of your target gender will find themselves in your path, and somebody will make a move -- because these things don't happen by themselves, unfortunately -- and you'll find that special kind of friendship where you can get physically and emotionally intimate. And that's a great thing but it's not the only goal in life or anything.

My partnership with my husband is really special and an important part of my life, but I would hope it doesn't define me. I'm me, he's him, and it just so happens that we are happiest when we are together, despite occasional friction and despite sometimes having a great time when we're apart.

Best wishes to you, and have fun!

 

[adpitan]

I think you've got the best approach of anybody in this thread. If you love yourself and live life to the fullest, then maybe if you want them to a person of your target gender will find themselves in your path, and somebody will make a move -- because these things don't happen by themselves, unfortunately -- and you'll find that special kind of friendship where you can get physically and emotionally intimate. And that's a great thing but it's not the only goal in life or anything.

My partnership with my husband is really special and an important part of my life, but I would hope it doesn't define me. I'm me, he's him, and it just so happens that we are happiest when we are together, despite occasional friction and despite sometimes having a great time when we're apart.

Best wishes to you, and have fun!

Thank you. As of right now my philosphy in life is "it is what it is" and there is no sense in being po'd over something you can't control. Love and singlehood really aren't things are you can control. Being single you can control if you want a subpar relationship and who wants to settle for that? I'd rather be single for the rest of my life than to settle for something subpar or to think I "bullied" the person into being with me.

Life truly is about having fun and learning new things, meeting new people, being out there and if your suppose to meet someone then you'll meet that someone wether it's through your advances or his. No need to play the gender roles now.

 

[Smilemaker100]

For some reason you came to mind this morning as I was walking to work, and I realized what disturbs me about your outlook toward men, partnerships, dating, yourself.

You are the adult version of the preteen and young teenaged girls who cultivate anorexia in order to mold themselves to an unachievable ideal.

You, who decry the over-sexualization of youngsters, are part of the movement of under-sexualization that is proving just as damaging.

These little girls conceive of the notion of what "Men like...": a certain type, a fragile beautiful creature that needs their protection. They create a dream, one in which a big powerful man sweeps in, cradles their tiny waist, gently kisses them in fear of breaking their bird-like bones, and then just holds them. No demands, no nasty dirty sex that they've heard all about in sex ed. And then they work to achieve it, telling themselves they are above eating food, because the dream must become reality.

You, by contrast, have the emotional version of this distressing affliction. Your Rhett Butler, your Elizabethan gentleman -- it's an unachievable ideal for which you are molding your personality to be their wilting flower. It's like you consider yourself above a little dalliance, a little emotional or even physical intimacy that might lead to pain. But 'tis truly better to have loved and lost, after all.

You started this thread in order to determine the perfect place to lie in wait for your soulmate to find you. The person you're looking for is going to come serenade you at your balcony -- no need to leave your apartment.

But if you want a real person, a real partner with all the give and take, love and loss that entails, there's a lot of good advice in this thread: above all, live life to the fullest and don't be afraid to take risks. :\

EDIT: I also just wanted to point out this common misperception that feminism means considering men and women the SAME. Feminism means honestly considering all genders, trans-genders, whatever, to be EQUALLY valuable in society. In addition, it means that gender shouldn't determine what paths you can CHOOSE in life -- they're CHOICES. You're in medical training because of the feminist movement! Don't knock it!

Just because I "look" or "sound" innocent , it doesn't mean I have "innocent" thoughts I must admit, your post made me chuckle. I suppose that I am a walking contradiction in a way On the one hand , I want a man who is a "gentleman" who courts me in Elizabethean fashion...you know the quiet innocent type, who on the other hand, when in private, is the Don Juan of lovers. I'd like a man who is as PASSIONATE as I am , yes I must be honest, I am quite passionate when involved with a man, but not in ways you imagine. Ok, this is getting way personal, but I suppose you did capture some of my "essence" ...

And by the way...charming and dashing men like Rhett Butler do exist- except one of them that I loved died trajically and the others I've met are unattainable. And I DO live life to the fullest, as a matter of fact, every morning when I wake up, I think to myself,
" Don't forget that life is very fragile. This day could be your last, so try to enjoy as much of it as you can and live as intensely as you can even if it means you act a little wild".

Dance as though no one is watching you.
Love as though you have never been hurt before.
Sing as though no one can hear you.
Live as though heaven is on earth
-Souza

 

[busupshot83]

Still looking...

 

[adpitan]

Still looking...

you and me both but I know it won't be the end of the world if I don't find someone...it would be nice though but not the be all end all of my life, know what I mean?

 

[pathdr2b]

Speaking for myself, and I think the majority men, we like confidence, not domination. .

Are you sure about this Zan? There's domination and then there's D-O-M-I-N-A-T-I-O-N!!!!!!

To the original question, I don't personally believe that there's only "one" special person for me. I believe there's a few (maybe 3 or 4 in the world) and that the "one" you end up with is a measure of where you are and where he/she is at the time in your life when you two meet.

 

[busupshot83]

you and me both but I know it won't be the end of the world if I don't find someone...it would be nice though but not the be all end all of my life, know what I mean?

I feel ya... right now my numero uno priority is my education. Girls come and go.

 

[ZanMD]

Are you sure about this Zan? There's domination and then there's D-O-M-I-N-A-T-I-O-N!!!!!!

To the original question, I don't personally believe that there's only "one" special person for me. I believe there's a few (maybe 3 or 4 in the world) and that the "one" you end up with is a measure of where you are and where he/she is at the time in your life when you two meet.

ya well you know what they say about the crazy ones great sex, but definitely not for marrage

 

[Samoa]

Smilemaker, no offense, but you sound completely deluded. The behavior you're expecting is simply not human nature. And why the blind allegiance to "the Rules"? You will always be a better judge of your own situation than any remote third party giving out generic, one-size-fits-all advice.

That's not to say that all rules are bad. But they should be yours, not someone else's. Otherwise, I really think you're setting yourself up for a lot of unnecessary unhappiness.

 

[adpitan]

I feel ya... right now my numero uno priority is my education. Girls come and go.

That's right! You gotta sit right with you before you can sit right with anyone else.

 

[alison_in_oh]

I must admit, your post made me chuckle. I suppose that I am a walking contradiction in a way

From the way you've presented yourself in the last few "romance" threads on this board, you're a walking contradiction in a lot of ways. You're happy and fulfilled in singlehood, but you're disappointed that you don't seem to get anywhere romantically. But that's OK because you're not going to settle for a guy on anybody's terms but your own, and those terms involve a chivalrous ideal that is extraordinarily rare in the real world.

I'm not saying that you're adverse to some lovin'; I'm saying that in the specific case of initial overtures you are intentionally suppressing your baser instincts and expecting this dream guy to suppress his as well. You'll fall harder for a sonnet-writer than a great kisser, am I right?

Your major defining experience in romance sounds like it was your relationship in which you allowed yourself to be walked all over while you made yourself believe that you just needed to be doing more and more.

When that relationship ended, you recoiled and the pendulum swung the other way, aided by The Rules. Not only should you not be constantly doing for a fella, it's a sure way to lose him and his respect! No, you should do nothing for him, make him work for you and he'll appreciate you all the more when you're "won over".

I think there's a happy medium and I think when you find it, you'll find that while the perfect Rhett Butler isn't knocking down your door, you can look and open yourself to making a move that might leave you a bit exposed and discover a perfectly sweet, very masculine (BUFF) fella who writes you love notes and brings you flowers, who wants to get physically intimate but respects your boundaries, who is as intelligent as you are if not more so and the source of some of the most thought-provoking conversations of your life, who grows to consider you his life's partner and makes you breakfast and works hard to achieve a comfortable life for you and doesn't hesitate to depend upon you for important things and watches you when you sleep and wants to father your children...

*swoon* 'Scuse me while I go email my husband...

Dance as though no one is watching you.
Love as though you have never been hurt before.
Sing as though no one can hear you.
Live as though heaven is on earth
-Souza

You got it.

Oh, and if you want guys to flock to you as it happens in the animal kingdom...take a leak near them when you're in heat. Never fails.

 

[a_student]

From the way you've presented yourself in the last few "romance" threads on this board, you're a walking contradiction in a lot of ways. You're happy and fulfilled in singlehood, but you're disappointed that you don't seem to get anywhere romantically. But that's OK because you're not going to settle for a guy on anybody's terms but your own, and those terms involve a chivalrous ideal that is extraordinarily rare in the real world.

I'm not saying that you're adverse to some lovin'; I'm saying that in the specific case of initial overtures you are intentionally suppressing your baser instincts and expecting this dream guy to suppress his as well. You'll fall harder for a sonnet-writer than a great kisser, am I right?

Your major defining experience in romance sounds like it was your relationship in which you allowed yourself to be walked all over while you made yourself believe that you just needed to be doing more and more.

When that relationship ended, you recoiled and the pendulum swung the other way, aided by The Rules. Not only should you not be constantly doing for a fella, it's a sure way to lose him and his respect! No, you should do nothing for him, make him work for you and he'll appreciate you all the more when you're "won over".

I think there's a happy medium and I think when you find it, you'll find that while the perfect Rhett Butler isn't knocking down your door, you can look and open yourself to making a move that might leave you a bit exposed and discover a perfectly sweet, very masculine (BUFF) fella who writes you love notes and brings you flowers, who wants to get physically intimate but respects your boundaries, who is as intelligent as you are if not more so and the source of some of the most thought-provoking conversations of your life, who grows to consider you his life's partner and makes you breakfast and works hard to achieve a comfortable life for you and doesn't hesitate to depend upon you for important things and watches you when you sleep and wants to father your children...

*swoon* 'Scuse me while I go email my husband...



You got it.

Oh, and if you want guys to flock to you as it happens in the animal kingdom...take a leak near them when you're in heat. Never fails.

just out of curiosity wouldn't u girls find it strange if a random guy starts talking to you when in the grocery line or at a caffe? i've been tempted multiple times but often didn't because i didn't want to bother them if they weren't interested (esp. if they were already in relationships)