Getting married soon and not interested in sex at all. Help!

[Bride2Be]

Hello,

I'm getting married in 2 months and I'm also a pre-med. The problem is that I'm not interested in sex with my fiance at all. What will it be like after we get married? I've been with him for 3 years already, and we got engaged this Feb. Our sex life was always ok--never great--and I attribute that mostly to my lack of desire. To me, sex is just kind of boring and no matter who I've been with it's always been this way for me. As of now, we haven't done it in about 2 months, and frankly, I really don't care. We live mostly like best friends, which is fine with me, but I wonder if we're only having sporadic sex now, will that deteriorate later?

I love my fiance, and do find him attractive, but I'm just never in the mood. To me, sex is a lot of bother for not much payoff, and I find satisfaction in how we express affection in other ways. Also, he doesn't seem to mind the lack of sex.

Thanks for your input,

Bride

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[!dr_nick!]

Women can get topical testosterone cream to apply to their genitals. I have heard that it helps desire and the ability to achieve orgasm.
At anyrate, something to investigate.

 

[MD Rapper]

Hello,

I'm getting married in 2 months and I'm also a pre-med. The problem is that I'm not interested in sex with my fiance at all. What will it be like after we get married? I've been with him for 3 years already, and we got engaged this Feb. Our sex life was always ok--never great--and I attribute that mostly to my lack of desire. To me, sex is just kind of boring and no matter who I've been with it's always been this way for me. As of now, we haven't done it in about 2 months, and frankly, I really don't care. We live mostly like best friends, which is fine with me, but I wonder if we're only having sporadic sex now, will that deteriorate later?

I love my fiance, and do find him attractive, but I'm just never in the mood. To me, sex is a lot of bother for not much payoff, and I find satisfaction in how we express affection in other ways. Also, he doesn't seem to mind the lack of sex.

Thanks for your input,

Bride

I'm no expert here... so please take everything I say with a grain of salt.. I'm also only a 22 year old single male.

Okay, with that out of the way.. here is some stuff I'm thinking.

- You said that your sex life was always just okay... maybe you need to add some spice. Try different places, different positions, in other words.. vary it up a lot. This often tends to help a lot for couples in long term relationships.

- Are you stressed often? Do you work a lot and are super-tired when you get free time? I've heard a lot of women say that they sometimes completely lose their sex drive when they have so much responsibility in their lives that they must tend to.

- I can understand your situation, but it seems a little odd that especially he doesn't want to have sex...you should really find out why. Are you 100 percent that the relationship is ready for marriage? Are there any serious doubts in either of your minds about anything? Often, but not always, relationships with a lack of sex have some underlying issue that needs to be resolved. I would think that you two already have deep conversations about these things every now and then.

- You are right.. chances are that your sex life may deteriorate a few years into the marriage... Make sure you are going into the marriage knowing that this COULD happen. You have to be okay with that.

- And finally, if none of this stuff applies.. it is quite alright to have a marriage with a minimal amount of sex.. as long as both of you are emotionally satisfied with the arrangement.

Good luck

 

[that dr. jack]

have you ever had an orgasm? could this be why you don't like sex? if you haven't, i would suggest getting a vibrator and going to town on yourself. mastaurbation is absolutely the best thing in the world to help you love sex in my opinion (and sometimes it's way better than sex itself purely because you can be nice and effcient about it). with a vibrator you'll at least get familiar with the feeling and might be able to be more satisfied during sex with your fiance. orgasms aren't everything, but they certainly are cool and for many people provide the biggest motivation to have sex.

if you have orgasmed before and that's not the issue, i would think long and hard (pun intended) about marrying this guy, and really evaluate if this is what both of you would be comfortable with for the rest of your lives. sex is a very important aspect of marriage and both of you might find yourselves unhappy being married but living as friends. talking openly to him about this might open up some doors and you can know for sure his feelings about having a non-sexual relationship.

sex in medical school can be tricky, as you are tired and stressed a lot of the time. it's even worse when your partner is in school too. my husband and i try to screw as often as we can, but do find ourselves being horny at different times. with school factored in for both of us we have to arrange sex like we would arrange to do laundry, which sucks because the spontaneity is totally lost. we're definitely doing it less than before we got married and even less since i started school, which is all situational. however, since we both are willing to sacrifice lots of sex for our educations neither of us is upset about it.

so try to figure out exactly why you don't like sex and work from there. good luck!

 

[Skoundrel]

Hello,

I'm getting married in 2 months and I'm also a pre-med. The problem is that I'm not interested in sex with my fiance at all. What will it be like after we get married? I've been with him for 3 years already, and we got engaged this Feb. Our sex life was always ok--never great--and I attribute that mostly to my lack of desire. To me, sex is just kind of boring and no matter who I've been with it's always been this way for me. As of now, we haven't done it in about 2 months, and frankly, I really don't care. We live mostly like best friends, which is fine with me, but I wonder if we're only having sporadic sex now, will that deteriorate later?

I love my fiance, and do find him attractive, but I'm just never in the mood. To me, sex is a lot of bother for not much payoff, and I find satisfaction in how we express affection in other ways. Also, he doesn't seem to mind the lack of sex.

Thanks for your input,

Bride

If you find sex boring then you have not found the right partner and i suggest not getting married. If you think sex is boring now with the person your with imagine what it will be like in 20years with the same person. Run away fast while you can!

 

[!dr_nick!]

If you find sex boring then you have not found the right partner and i suggest not getting married. If you think sex is boring now with the person your with imagine what it will be like in 20years with the same person. Run away fast while you can!

Although this is a possibility, it is not the only one. Some people, for whatever reason, simply do not have a strong libido. Could be hormonal. Her testosterone levels could be way too low.

 

[stoic]

If you have no desire to have sex with your fiancee you either A) are not sexually attracted to him or B) have a sexual dysfunction. As I like to say "it's normal to have a healthy sex life and healthy to have a normal sex life." Having sex once every two months is not normal.

You should talk with you PCP because this WILL be an issue in your marriage at some point - probably sooner rather than later.

 

[kinetic]

To me, sex is just kind of boring and no matter who I've been with it's always been this way for me. As of now, we haven't done it in about 2 months, and frankly, I really don't care. We live mostly like best friends, which is fine with me, but I wonder if we're only having sporadic sex now, will that deteriorate later?

If you are OK with acting like best friends in the bedroom, then that should carry over to all other aspects of the relationship (not just the parts you want to just 'be friends' about). I don't know about you guys, but I don't give diamonds to all my 'friends.'

 

[!dr_nick!]

No man wants NOT to have sex consistently. Why else was marriage invented? So men wouldnt go hump every woman they saw.

 

[Samoa]

I'm sorry, but marriage without sex is a mortal sin. You must break it off NOW to save your everlasting soul.

In all seriousness, I do actually think marriage without sex is not marriage. But you're free to disagree.

 

[!dr_nick!]

Marriage without sex is like getting more responsibility at work without a promotion or pay raise.

 

[Skoundrel]

Marriage without sex is like getting more responsibility at work without a promotion or pay raise.

Dr. Nick It sounds as though you have never been married. Not trying to start a fight. But marriage without sex is like walking through a desert hotter than you can ever imagine, thinking you see water 2 feet in front of you. You always keep moving that two feet more, thinking and believing that you can make it to that water. Until you die of thrist trying. Now that is like a marriage without sex! A slow painful disillusioned death!

 

[!dr_nick!]

Dr. Nick It sounds as though you have never been married. Not trying to start a fight. But marriage without sex is like walking through a desert hotter than you can ever imagine, thinking you see water 2 feet in front of you. You always keep moving that two feet more, thinking and believing that you can make it to that water. Until you die of thrist trying. Now that is like a marriage without sex! A slow painful disillusioned death!

Wow. Nope never been married. Maybe i wont now

I think maybe i'll hire someone to kick me in the nuts everyday instead.

 

[tlew12778]

Are you on the BCP? A lot of women who are on the BCP (or any other hormonal birth control for that matter) notice a drop in libido. Once they get off it, things get better .

 

[jmattwilson]

A guy not interested in sex!!! Huh I will have too think about that a while. (2 seconds later). NO it could never be unless they are a Unich or something. Of course he could be a nice guy and tells you he doesnt need sex just to make you feel better.

 

[!dr_nick!]

A guy not interested in sex!!! Huh I will have too think about that a while. (2 seconds later). NO it could never be unless they are a Unich or something. Of course he could be a nice guy and tells you he doesnt need sex just to make you feel better.

Or he could be a closet gay and use the woman as a cover.

 

[off2skl]

Are you on the BCP? A lot of women who are on the BCP (or any other hormonal birth control for that matter) notice a drop in libido. Once they get off it, things get better .

I second this one. Maybe change BCP, some have more of an effect on libido than others.

 

[Bride2Be]

Hi guys,

Thanks for your responses. To clarify things: I am sexually satisfied every time we do have sex, and always have been--that's not the problem. The problem is that I feel sex just isn't worth the payoff. I enjoy the affection we show each other in other ways, and we're the most touchy-feely couple I know or have practically ever seen. I just find sex boring. I always look at the clock when we do it, wishing it was over with already. The problem is, I've always been like this, with all my past ex-boyfriends and lovers. With all of them (and I've dated quite a bit), I've always been bored. I chalk it up to low desire.

My fiance is ok with not much sex--he is a nice guy and says that it's not that important compared to other things. The funny thing is, the only time I've found sex exciting is with "bad boy" partners, and that's not who I want to be married to--I like the stereotypical "nice guys"--who may be boring in bed compared to the bad boys, but have much better qualities all around.

Since I'm getting married in 2 months, I'm just worried that once we're married, we'll only do it once every 3-4 months. I'd be ok with that, and I'm sure he would, too.

 

[elin]

Since I'm getting married in 2 months, I'm just worried that once we're married, we'll only do it once every 3-4 months. I'd be ok with that, and I'm sure he would, too.

If you're ok with it, than why are you worried?

 

[DD214_DOC]

Your marriage is going to suck if you two get married. As much as you or he may deny it, sex is a very important aspect of any mature relationship. When that is removed, the relationship can become stagnant.

If you think he's just going to be jolly nice guy husband without any sex you're delusional. He will get his sexual gratification, whether or not it is from you.

I suggest you speak with a physician. Your problem could be either physical or psychological.

Your fiance may say that it's, "ok" but he's just being a nice guy.

 

[susannaQ]

My fiance is ok with not much sex--he is a nice guy and says that it's not that important compared to other things. The funny thing is, the only time I've found sex exciting is with "bad boy" partners, and that's not who I want to be married to--I like the stereotypical "nice guys"--who may be boring in bed compared to the bad boys, but have much better qualities all around.

I'm probably the least qualified person in the world to answer this post but I had to look in because I was like, What??? Someone is asking advice about sex and mariage??? You can do that??? Wow, this place is really supportive.

I am not married. Had to tell you that so you knew that you were getting advice from an "unqualified" person. But, your train of thought seems like a train of thought that I've had before.

Obviously, there is is something irking you if you felt the need to post. My intution: You say you've only found sex exciting with "bad boys". Could it be that because sex is boring with your fiance, you're afraid you'll get tired and get a wandering eye for other men during your mariage? You say that you like the "bad boys" so they obviously fullfill your of intimacy needs or enjoyment needs in a way that your fiance doesn't(or at least not at the time being).

My intution is that the bottom line is that you're not getting from your bf what you need/want. Maybe you should tell him and you guys can talk openly about sex and needs and future hopes? From my experiences with talking with other women, I too think that sex is very, very important in a mariage and taht it needs to be talked out so that it completely is honest and open and safe and shared territory between you two. (Side note: I'm sure a lot of people use fantasizing techniques to make sex more exciting. Maybe you two should look into that?)

 

[MD Rapper]

If you're ok with it, than why are you worried?

This is EXACTLY what I don't understand... I'm sorry, but it seems that the OP is contradicting herself.

 

[susannaQ]

This is EXACTLY what I don't understand... I'm sorry, but it seems that the OP is contradicting herself.

Or not willing to admit to herself that there is a real problem when there is one and give it the importance and attention that it is worth.

 

[Skoundrel]

Hi guys,

Thanks for your responses. To clarify things: I am sexually satisfied every time we do have sex, and always have been--that's not the problem. The problem is that I feel sex just isn't worth the payoff. I enjoy the affection we show each other in other ways, and we're the most touchy-feely couple I know or have practically ever seen. I just find sex boring. I always look at the clock when we do it, wishing it was over with already. The problem is, I've always been like this, with all my past ex-boyfriends and lovers. With all of them (and I've dated quite a bit), I've always been bored. I chalk it up to low desire.

My fiance is ok with not much sex--he is a nice guy and says that it's not that important compared to other things. The funny thing is, the only time I've found sex exciting is with "bad boy" partners, and that's not who I want to be married to--I like the stereotypical "nice guys"--who may be boring in bed compared to the bad boys, but have much better qualities all around.

Since I'm getting married in 2 months, I'm just worried that once we're married, we'll only do it once every 3-4 months. I'd be ok with that, and I'm sure he would, too.

I think i need to repost this! marriage without sex is like walking through a desert hotter than you can ever imagine, thinking you see water 2 feet in front of you. You always keep moving that two feet more, thinking and believing that you can make it to that water. Until you die of thrist trying. Now that is like a marriage without sex! A slow painful disillusioned death!

I have been married and because of an assumption similar to yours. . I am now divorced. Happily divorced!! Do yourself a favor do not get married live together for a few more years. Good Luck. I wish you the best.

 

[tlew12778]

It sounds to me like you just need to spice it up a bit and make your nice guy fiance more "bad boy" in the bedroom. Get some toys, try watching some porn together, do it in odd places (if your courageous enough), role play, etc. A lot of ppl are embarassed to try this stuff out but the bottom line is that you're marrying this person for life (well presumably) so you need to let down all those inhibitions and just go for it.

 

[Febrifuge]

Sorry to go all Dr. Drew on you, but I'm thinking there may be something to this 'bad boy' thing.

A lot of churches (low-key and caring!) and mental-health outfits (covered by insurance!) have pre-marital "compatibility counseling" style resources. I think it would be good for you and your fiance to get your butts side-by-side on a couch in front of someone who is trained to listen and to ask the right questions. Spend 6 or 8 weeks talking once or twice a week, do the silly exercises they give you with role-playing and lists, and see what you find out about how well you are likely to function as a married couple.

You two will be doing yourselves a HUGE favor to get these things hashed out now, and you risk the possibility of a HUGE ordeal later on if you choose not to. And yes, it's worth delaying the wedding for a few months, if it comes to that. Take it from a guy who married his "best friend" and then watched the marriage tank over the next 6 years.

 

[gwyn779]

Ok, first of all, are you taking any medications whatsoever? Low libido is very common but not normal. For either of you. It sounds like there are a couple issues here. First, why is sex not that interesting for you? It could be meds, hormones, or if you really like the "bad boy" stuff then you might just need to try different techniques/role play (which he might also like better). Second, why is he ok without sex for several months in a row? Is he really not interested? What DOES interest him?

Marriage does not depend on sex alone, but it's an important part of a healthy one. Beings friends is also a requirement, but it's really not enough to sustain a marriage.

 

[Bride2Be]

Hello everyone,

Thanks again for your responses. No I'm not on any meds. I just find sex boring, that's all. Don't know why, just always have. We've tried everything, and it still is boring for me. Once a month or so is enough for both of us. But I wish I liked it more. Maybe it's b/c I started doing it in high school, and I tried everything then and in college, and got bored very fast. Thus, at the ripe old age of 29, I'm totally bored with it.

Why is it so important in a marriage? My fiance and I don't think it is. To me it's nothing more than some friction. I value intimacy and closeness, but get this in many ways from my fiance, and we are extremely affectionate with each other. I don't think a marriage needs it to thrive, as long as you can express yourselves and your affection in other ways.

Thoughts?

 

[Febrifuge]

Thoughts?

1) You started too young.
1a) You feel as though you started too young

2) You had at least one bad experience.
2a) It might have been a really bad experience.

I'm going to stick with the 'check in with a counselor' angle. It might help a lot, and almost certainly couldn't hurt.

But to answer your real question, assuming you and your spouse really do both have the same outlook, and assuming you just both happen to have sex drives that are (and remain) comfortable at a low level, then hey, that's a very good match. A good counselor can help you make sure that's the case, too. And if it is, then I wish you many happy years of a great marriage, with not a whole lot of sex. Nothing wrong with that at all.

 

[jennie 21]

Some people just happen to have low sex drives. If both of you are happy with your relationship and your sex life, of whatever frequency, then that's fine. I think that for most people, sex is a very important part of a marriage--in addition to sexual satisfaction, it's part of the emotional bond you share. But there are certainly marriages in which sex isn't that important. As long as both partners are happy, I see nothing wrong with that.

The question to me, I guess, is whether your fiance really is as happy with this arrangement as you are. There are guys who just have a really low sex drive, but it's fairly unusual. If he does want more sex but is saying it's okay in order to be nice, that may cause problems down the road. It's not unusual for two spouses to have different sex drives but you both have to be willing to compromise...it's not fair to ask your spouse to go through life sexually frustrated. Are you going to be willing to have sex more often for his sake? Also, I do think it's possible that the reason he's not very interested in sex (if he really isn't) is that he's gay and hasn't realized it yet. That could also lead to a mess down the road if at some point he realizes it and wants to be free to explore his sexuality.

On the other hand, if he just happens to have a low sex drive and so do you, then you don't have a problem. I think you need to ask him if he really is happy with this arrangement or is just saying that in order to not rock the boat. If he really is happy with it and so are you, then you don't have a problem.

As far as finding sex 'boring', I have to wonder if you're going about it the wrong way. Are you sure you've had an orgasm? You say you're sexually satisfied every time...but on the other hand you say you're looking at the clock waiting for it to finish. I find it hard to see how you're able to reach orgasm if you're looking at the clock the whole time...I mean, you have to be into the experience or it's not going to happen. If you're not having orgasms, that could explain why you find sex boring...I guarantee you orgasms aren't boring! :LOL:

I also think there's something to the "bad boy" thing...I wonder if it doesn't have to do with the style of sex you're having with your fiance. If you're having very slow, gentle, "loving" sex with your fiance I could see why you might not find that exciting. Maybe you'd get turned on by more "wild" sex, you know, faster, harder, that sort of thing. Sometimes when people are in love they feel like they can't have wild uninhibited sex...the only kind of sex they have is the romantic, making-love kind. Nothing wrong with that sometimes, but as a steady diet it could get a little old. I think loosening up and letting go in the bedroom could help a lot. There's no contradiction between loving each other on the one hand and having wild crazy sex on the other...in fact that's what you SHOULD be doing. If you only do it slowly, gently, in the missionary position, in the dark, that's going to be boring after awhile. Also I wonder if you're getting enough foreplay to get turned on before having intercourse? Maybe experiement with oral sex and stuff like that and see if that does it for you...for many women intercourse alone doesn't do much. Most women need clitoral stimulation to get turned on and to come. I also think watching some couples-friendly porn is a great way to spice things up...have a couple glasses of wine first and see what happens.

There are lots of ways to spice up your sex life...that said, if you're just not very interested in sex that's fine too, as long as your fiance is fine with that. There's nothing wrong with you if you're not interested in sex, as long as you're happy with it that way and it's not causing problems in your relationship. Good luck figuring things out...

 

[aphistis]

Febrifuge is spot-on across the board here. Hourly jungle sex is only vitally important to a marriage if one or both partners feels it is. If no complicating circumstances (i.e., undiagnosed psychological or medical conditions) exist and both partners are content, then by definition there's no problem. Also, sitting down to some pre-marital counseling will help nail all that down with a greater degree of certainty, and as Febrifuge also said, will likely help get your marriage off on the right foot in other regards as well (lest anyone accuse me of not practicing what I preach, my fiancee & I begin ours in October). It's worth a serious look if you haven't considered it already.

 

[jmattwilson]

[

 

[jmattwilson]

Some people just happen to have low sex drives. If both of you are happy with your relationship and your sex life, of whatever frequency, then that's fine. I think that for most people, sex is a very important part of a marriage--in addition to sexual satisfaction, it's part of the emotional bond you share. But there are certainly marriages in which sex isn't that important. As long as both partners are happy, I see nothing wrong with that.

The question to me, I guess, is whether your fiance really is as happy with this arrangement as you are. There are guys who just have a really low sex drive, but it's fairly unusual. If he does want more sex but is saying it's okay in order to be nice, that may cause problems down the road. It's not unusual for two spouses to have different sex drives but you both have to be willing to compromise...it's not fair to ask your spouse to go through life sexually frustrated. Are you going to be willing to have sex more often for his sake? Also, I do think it's possible that the reason he's not very interested in sex (if he really isn't) is that he's gay and hasn't realized it yet. That could also lead to a mess down the road if at some point he realizes it and wants to be free to explore his sexuality.

On the other hand, if he just happens to have a low sex drive and so do you, then you don't have a problem. I think you need to ask him if he really is happy with this arrangement or is just saying that in order to not rock the boat. If he really is happy with it and so are you, then you don't have a problem.

As far as finding sex 'boring', I have to wonder if you're going about it the wrong way. Are you sure you've had an orgasm? You say you're sexually satisfied every time...but on the other hand you say you're looking at the clock waiting for it to finish. I find it hard to see how you're able to reach orgasm if you're looking at the clock the whole time...I mean, you have to be into the experience or it's not going to happen. If you're not having orgasms, that could explain why you find sex boring...I guarantee you orgasms aren't boring! :LOL:

I also think there's something to the "bad boy" thing...I wonder if it doesn't have to do with the style of sex you're having with your fiance. If you're having very slow, gentle, "loving" sex with your fiance I could see why you might not find that exciting. Maybe you'd get turned on by more "wild" sex, you know, faster, harder, that sort of thing. Sometimes when people are in love they feel like they can't have wild uninhibited sex...the only kind of sex they have is the romantic, making-love kind. Nothing wrong with that sometimes, but as a steady diet it could get a little old. I think loosening up and letting go in the bedroom could help a lot. There's no contradiction between loving each other on the one hand and having wild crazy sex on the other...in fact that's what you SHOULD be doing. If you only do it slowly, gently, in the missionary position, in the dark, that's going to be boring after awhile. Also I wonder if you're getting enough foreplay to get turned on before having intercourse? Maybe experiement with oral sex and stuff like that and see if that does it for you...for many women intercourse alone doesn't do much. Most women need clitoral stimulation to get turned on and to come. I also think watching some couples-friendly porn is a great way to spice things up...have a couple glasses of wine first and see what happens.

There are lots of ways to spice up your sex life...that said, if you're just not very interested in sex that's fine too, as long as your fiance is fine with that. There's nothing wrong with you if you're not interested in sex, as long as you're happy with it that way and it's not causing problems in your relationship. Good luck figuring things out...

Super smart advice. Except the wine part. Makes having an O more lengthy for a man. Heard it does for a woman too, but I wouldn't know as my wife doesnt drink.

 

[MoosePilot]

Hello,

I'm getting married in 2 months and I'm also a pre-med. The problem is that I'm not interested in sex with my fiance at all. What will it be like after we get married? I've been with him for 3 years already, and we got engaged this Feb. Our sex life was always ok--never great--and I attribute that mostly to my lack of desire. To me, sex is just kind of boring and no matter who I've been with it's always been this way for me. As of now, we haven't done it in about 2 months, and frankly, I really don't care. We live mostly like best friends, which is fine with me, but I wonder if we're only having sporadic sex now, will that deteriorate later?

I love my fiance, and do find him attractive, but I'm just never in the mood. To me, sex is a lot of bother for not much payoff, and I find satisfaction in how we express affection in other ways. Also, he doesn't seem to mind the lack of sex.

Thanks for your input,

Bride

Talk to him. Tell him how you feel. Remind him that people change.

Once he realizes he won't get much sex forever and he's not allowed to get it anywhere else, it's likely to have a negative impact on the marriage.

Right now he may not mind because it may seem temporary, like life is getting in the way. Once he realizes it will always be like that...

 

[MsEvolution]

Hi guys,

The funny thing is, the only time I've found sex exciting is with "bad boy" partners, and that's not who I want to be married to--I like the stereotypical "nice guys"--who may be boring in bed compared to the bad boys, but have much better qualities all around.

Have you tried role-play? PM me if you want to talk a bit about this and other ideas... I was a lot like you for over a decade. Until I met someone who really opened my eyes... and all I can say is... I didn't know I had it in me.

 

[Dartos Vader]

Im hearing a few things from your posts that you might want to think about. You find sex with bad boys exciting and sex with your nice guy fiance boring. He is your best friend but you don't want to do it with him. You are setting yourself up for something bad. Marriage wont make the problem better it will only make it worse. I have been with the same girl for almost nine years and we have always enjoyed sex together, even though we both started young (I dont think that has anything to do with your problem). I'm not trying to make you feel bad but it sounds like there are issues here that need to be treated before you get married. I can gaurantee that you won't be best friends if one of you cheats on the other due to sexual frustration and resentment. I would definitely talk to a counselor. good luck, hope this helps

 

[busupshot83]

I'm sorry, but marriage without sex is a mortal sin. You must break it off NOW to save your everlasting soul.

In all seriousness, I do actually think marriage without sex is not marriage. But you're free to disagree.

I agree.

 

[LADoc00]

Hello,

I'm getting married in 2 months and I'm also a pre-med. The problem is that I'm not interested in sex with my fiance at all. What will it be like after we get married? I've been with him for 3 years already, and we got engaged this Feb. Our sex life was always ok--never great--and I attribute that mostly to my lack of desire. To me, sex is just kind of boring and no matter who I've been with it's always been this way for me.

Bride

This is a troll. And an especially egregious one.

 

[brownsugar]

hi, I read bride2be's post and i have been having a similar problem but the problem is him.

My husband started med school a couple of months ago and since he started his sex drive has dropped. He says it's the stress of medical school and i really want to believe him but what i'm wondering and is can a guy's sex drive be diminished but yet he still looks at porn? Guys? Can men really not want sex with their partner but choose a screen instead?

This really bothers me, I really try to be supportive of him but coupled with the lack of attention, lack of emotional closeness, I really don't know if I can take it much longer,

 

[Peeshee]

hi, I read bride2be's post and i have been having a similar problem but the problem is him.

My husband started med school a couple of months ago and since he started his sex drive has dropped. He says it's the stress of medical school and i really want to believe him but what i'm wondering and is can a guy's sex drive be diminished but yet he still looks at porn? Guys? Can men really not want sex with their partner but choose a screen instead?

This really bothers me, I really try to be supportive of him but coupled with the lack of attention, lack of emotional closeness, I really don't know if I can take it much longer,

It is true that medical school can cause problems in a relationship bet. a man and woman, and it takes some getting used to. It is true there is a lot of stress in med. school, and since he is just starting, he may be getting adjusted to the lifestyle, and this could be affecting him in other areas of his life, including sexual. When you says he doesnt want sex with you, how often do you mean? I guess anything less than what you used to have BEFORE med. school would be considered out of the ordinary.

About the porn., that is a whole other issue that needs to be dealt with. Guys who do this probably prefer to be alone and get sexually aroused that way. Maybe your husband just wants to be alone and doesnt feel like sharing himself with you. BUT, I think that as husband and wife, his actions are totally WRONG! He is forgetting about you and your needs as a wife!

Have you tried talking to him about the porn. and why he prefers that now? Did he always look at porn., even before med. school?

He should open up and be willing to discuss these issues, bec. it seems they are affecting you greatly, which is not good. Since you guys are married, I think this can be worked on and the situation improved. This could also just be a temporary phase he is going through also.

Try choosing an appropriate time (when he doesnt have exams) to talk to him about these issues. COMMUNICATION is very important to resolving these issues. In the meantime, try not to feel bad or take it personally. It seems to be something deep inside him that he is going through at this time.

 

[MoosePilot]

hi, I read bride2be's post and i have been having a similar problem but the problem is him.

My husband started med school a couple of months ago and since he started his sex drive has dropped. He says it's the stress of medical school and i really want to believe him but what i'm wondering and is can a guy's sex drive be diminished but yet he still looks at porn? Guys? Can men really not want sex with their partner but choose a screen instead?

This really bothers me, I really try to be supportive of him but coupled with the lack of attention, lack of emotional closeness, I really don't know if I can take it much longer,

Porn is easy. Really, really easy. It makes no demands. You can veg in front of the computer, relax, and still satisfy whatever sex drive you have left.

I'm not saying it's right. Be sure you're communicating with him what your needs are. Try to think of a way to a win-win, where you get the emotional closeness, attention, etc. that you need and he gets the lack of stress that he needs. Don't start thinking "can't take it" until you've exhausted all avenues of communication and he just refuses to work with you. Remember to approach it gently, because if he's already maxed out on the stress level, he'll probably react badly to more stress.

 

[Peeshee]

I also just wanted to add that maybe, there is a deeper underlying issue for why he is using porn. How are other aspects of the relationship? He may view porn. as his outlet for his frustrations in other aspects.
I really hope he communicates with you about all these topics.

 

[Darksunshine]

Dear Bride2be:

Others here have already given some great advice so I won't reiterate all of it. But needless to say when women find sex "boring" there are usually big underlying problems within their relationship or them. Like: they have never achieved climax or had a good sexual relationship, just not interested in thier spouse sexually (can lead to big problems later), past (or present) abuse (sexual, emotional, mental) that prohibits them from enjoying it, and religous beliefs on it can affect some people too.

I agree you need to find out what it is. Sex is a big part of marriage and you will have so many other issues that you won't want to start with this one already in the dumps. Maybe a counselor, or maybe a sex therapist, but definetly talk to someone. My brother's wife tells me stuff like what I am hearing you say and it all comes down to the things mentioned above.

So you can choose to work it out now or later. And why would you want to make your life more complex by putting it off. It (your feelings) isn't going to go away. My advice is this: don't ignore it. If you do you will pay the price later.

 

[Curious Tom]

hi, I read bride2be's post and i have been having a similar problem but the problem is him.

My husband started med school a couple of months ago and since he started his sex drive has dropped. He says it's the stress of medical school and i really want to believe him but what i'm wondering and is can a guy's sex drive be diminished but yet he still looks at porn? Guys? Can men really not want sex with their partner but choose a screen instead?

This really bothers me, I really try to be supportive of him but coupled with the lack of attention, lack of emotional closeness, I really don't know if I can take it much longer,

You need not link his porn viewing with his possible loss of interest in you. And it's true that when overloaded with works average men do lose libido significantly, unless the man has inherited greater sexual energy. Plus we must admit the fact that you've already been married increases the reason for the decrease in sexual relations.

Try this: next time you catch him watching porn join in and show your enthusiatic curiosity about different forms of porns and suggest to him that you two try some of those yourselves right there and then.
My ex gf (23) on the third date asked me to rent a porn and watch together in my room. We did, commenting on different techniques and sharing our likes and dislikes. I tell you, I did not feel or think at all that she was "dirty" or "base." Instead I felt her much more wildly desirable. And I believe it's the same for many uninhibited men.

Marriage should not entitle spouses to take sex as granted. Each should continue to put energy into attracting and arousing each other with eager creativity as if they've just met. Another note, for the more driven type of men, as soon as we feel we have won the girl and sex with her is guranteed, we lose at least half of our interest. It is the pursuit and uncertainty that excite us. Perhaps it's the same with women. Bottom line, then, is even in marriage we shouldn't take each other for granted nor guranteed nor possessed.

To the Bride2be, nothing wrong with low libido, although I am in the opposite end of the spectrum. Sexual gratification can be derived from foreplay, caressing and other means; in fact, that's more binding and fulfilling and long lasting into the old age. You two may be a perfect match. I, for myself know I could never be with a woman with lower than upper average sexual drive. The point is, each has his/her own match. No need to compare with the fictitious "norms" even the medical ones.

 

[VALSALVA]

I suggest you speak with a physician. Your problem could be either physical or psychological.

I agree with this. When's the last time you had lab work done? Seriously...something you might want to look into.

 

[obasanjo]

Hello,

I'm getting married in 2 months and I'm also a pre-med. The problem is that I'm not interested in sex with my fiance at all. What will it be like after we get married? I've been with him for 3 years already, and we got engaged this Feb. Our sex life was always ok--never great--and I attribute that mostly to my lack of desire. To me, sex is just kind of boring and no matter who I've been with it's always been this way for me. As of now, we haven't done it in about 2 months, and frankly, I really don't care. We live mostly like best friends, which is fine with me, but I wonder if we're only having sporadic sex now, will that deteriorate later?

I love my fiance, and do find him attractive, but I'm just never in the mood. To me, sex is a lot of bother for not much payoff, and I find satisfaction in how we express affection in other ways. Also, he doesn't seem to mind the lack of sex.

Thanks for your input,

Bride

i am in a similar situation too....
i am about to get married in the next 3month
as compared to what "bride2be" wrote, i am groom2be but the difference is that my fianceè likes toooooo much sex.......... she makes me always tired, muscles pain....... always wanting to make love all the time we are together. i am preparing for board exams so i need to study alot.... but it seems difficult for me to make her understand this. so i try to stay out of home as much as i can....
i don't know whether i will be able to live with her once i enter residency
please help, any suggestion can be useful.
thanx

 

[Med-Student2B]

Bride2Be:

Honestly - I've always believed that a woman's desire to have sex with her partner has alot to do with her emotional relationship with him.

The kind of relationship that exists between *lovers* is made of mental attractions, emotional attractions, and physical attrations. Maybe you love your fiance, just not as a lover. Maybe you see him in a more maternal light?

That is one dissadvantage of being a maternal creature. We can so often become so overtaken with maternal love that we forget about our desires. But trust me, they are worth finding!!!

In this case you should wonder: Does he turn you ON?

Meaning, when you are having an intimate moment. i.e. you are watching him when he has no clue you're watching, he looks very very sexy in that unique way that only he could... what are you feeling??? Yes you should be feeling warm and fuzzy and mushy. But is that where it stops? Or do you wanna jump him??? At this point you should wanna jump him! If not, you should feel the urge to at least give him a steamy kiss.

If this kind of chemistry is absent from your relationship, maybe he's just not turning you on. That's not to say he's not great in other ways. But this is something you two should explore - your sexual desire. Get creative - body paint, melted chocolate, feathers, ice cubes, candles, jaccuzzi (very sexy!).

Obasanjo:

OK - this might sound a little strange, but I think if you're fiance didn't enjoy having sex with you so much, she wouldn't want it as much. So I'm thinking that you've figured out how to press all her buttons, and that she loves it when you do so.

That being said, I think if you are tactful you might be able to make her want you less...

Try to make the experience less enjoyable for her. Not necessarily every time, but say every other time. If you do this, she may want you less, and you dont have to hurt her feelings by telling her that she can't have you. A good way to do this might be to act a little distracted, distant, or unenthusiastic about the act.

 

[Therese737]

This is something I can relate to, i.e., not wanting sex. In my case, I have a boyfriend, not fiancee. He is caring, considerate, can cook, and treats me like a queen. But I just don't feel as turned on by him as I should! I basically force myself to have sex with him.And I think I know what that physical attraction should fel like, b/c in the past, I have been with men who made me desire them just as much as they desired me.But with my current guy,
I'd be happy if we never had sex.
The only thing that keeps me hanging on is that he has such other great qualities, and when I'm 70 that's the kind of person you want to be with. I guess that's what is called "settling".

 

[rpkall]

Margaret Atwood, one of the more creative feminist writers out there, in my opinion, wrote a really interesting short story about rape fantasies. It might have actually been titled "Rape Fantasies," though I can't remember exactly. lol

The thrust, if I recall correctly, was that she felt it was very normal to express that kind of carnal desire for rough sex (or the "bad boy" image), even (and maybe especially as) a strong woman figure in modern society.

Not equating being only excited by "bad boys" to rough sex or rape fantasies, but the two might stem from a similar psychological or sociological place. I personally think it's normal.

What I don't get is why you shouldn't be able to communicate these desires for a more exciting sexual life to your BF/fiancee/husbands. I'm sure a lot of men would be surprised and excited to learn that their wives would like to start talking dirty, playing rough, and being kinky. Sure, it's not for everyone, but there have to be "nice, boring" lifestyle guys out there that aren't "boring" in the bedroom.

The thing is, are you willing to rock the boat and risk damaging his ego for your own sexual fulfillment. If you feel so much that you have to be his protector in this way (i.e., "He'd get all bent outta shape," or "I'd rather just deal with it than be honest") then what's the point of a marriage? Isn't it supposed to be two people, psychologically and emotionally equal--however different--trying to be happy and better themselves on a daily basis?

I personally think sex is a huge thing for men--and not just because of the lust wrapped up in it. It really is a way to show physical love, compassion, and tenderness for a lot of men--men who otherwise aren't comfortable expressing it for whatever reason.

The sex might be more important than you think, both for him and for you.

Just my 2 cents.

Best of luck with everything!

 

[Cogito ergo es]

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