fiancee' wants me to choose my residency based on her family

[Coastie]

Two new accounts boosting each other. I love it!

That girl is trouble. Just read stuff she was saying. Can you imagine being married to that? I can, and that's why I'm telling brotha to run!

Amen. Couldn't have said it better myself. My boyfriend is amazingly supportive. There's no way I would be handling the stress of residency like I am without his love and support.

Relationships aren't about the men "dictating rules" to the women like they are robots. Relationships (healthy ones) involve compromise, love, and give & take. Running away when things get a little tough is the coward's way out. I'm so glad my SO isn't like that, and neither am I.

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[JenDoc2007]

I've been here since August, just didn't bother to post before. I'm not new.

I agree that the SO was being inflexible at first. But do you really cut & run at the first sign of trouble? No one is perfect all the time. Unless you, Coastie, expect that? I'm glad my SO doesn't, and I don't expect perfection from him either.

This guy needs to choose whats best for him.

What if he felt that SHE was best for him? Sometimes caring for someone trumps "lots and lots of money."

Regardless of sacrifice, this SO of his sounded like an inflexible taker, and believe me, he can do without that down the line. Just because you're with someone, doesn't mean they are right for you..

Of course, but the OP wasn't just with her briefly. You don't just walk away from someone you're in love with. At least, an emotionally healthy person wouldn't be able to. Tell me, Coastie, have you ever even BEEN in a relationship? Are you speaking from the experience of dating an "inflexible taker," or does that describe yourself?

Relationships are about both parties giving (and sometimes taking). Love is about compromise and working out problems, not being a coward and leaving because someone isn't 100% perfect. Which are you, Coastie?

I know what my guy is.

 

[Habibti]

JenDoc, I think the point Coastie was trying to make was this: Yes, relationships are about compromise, but compromise is a two-way street, as you yourself have stressed. The girlfriend was completely unwilling to compromise and is that what you want in a mate? Someone completely unwilling to consider your future aspirations and goals? His residency/school may not be the most important thing, but it was important to him and she basically just blew it off as not as important as what she wanted.

 

[Coastie]

Exactly.

Is JenDoc the OP's gf? Likely. She throws in things from outside the conversation which aren't relating to this guy's situation: He wants to do a residency, and his whiny and controlling fiancee' tells him what WILL happen, because she obviously makes the rules. She's inflexible, controlling, and will use anything (including her cute nieces and nephews) to manipulate this guy into following her rules. He said it himself: if he puts his foot down, all hell breaks loose. As LaDoc said, if you get married to her, ALL HELL will break loose.

Sheesh....Good luck marrying that!

JenDoc, I think the point Coastie was trying to make was this: Yes, relationships are about compromise, but compromise is a two-way street, as you yourself have stressed. The girlfriend was completely unwilling to compromise and is that what you want in a mate? Someone completely unwilling to consider your future aspirations and goals? His residency/school may not be the most important thing, but it was important to him and she basically just blew it off as not as important as what she wanted.

 

[H_Caulfield]

Amen. Couldn't have said it better myself. My boyfriend is amazingly supportive. There's no way I would be handling the stress of residency like I am without his love and support.

Relationships aren't about the men "dictating rules" to the women like they are robots. Relationships (healthy ones) involve compromise, love, and give & take. Running away when things get a little tough is the coward's way out. I'm so glad my SO isn't like that, and neither am I.

You're not too bright? Sorry about that. Not letting your significant other mess up your worthwhile plans with petty excuses about depression and nieces/nephews is the cowards way out? It seems like you're a coward if you've not enough self-respect to put a stop to it.

We're not saying that women should be robots without autonomy. Should they yield to their husband's REAL plans regarding his CAREER? Absolutely. The little things the OP's girl is concerned about are petty and pale in importance put to what he's doing.

She sounds like a spoiled brat to me, and I agree with all on here that she could make his life miserable with her selfishness if he's not careful.

 

[JenDoc2007]

JenDoc, I think the point Coastie was trying to make was this: Yes, relationships are about compromise, but compromise is a two-way street, as you yourself have stressed. The girlfriend was completely unwilling to compromise and is that what you want in a mate? Someone completely unwilling to consider your future aspirations and goals? His residency/school may not be the most important thing, but it was important to him and she basically just blew it off as not as important as what she wanted.

Hey Habibti. Good point there. I was responding more to Coastie's previous posts about "manning up" and "wearing the pants." But you're absolutely right. If she hadn't changed her mind later on, she definitely wasn't compromising on her side. Yes, it's needed on both sides. Good post, well written.

 

[JenDoc2007]

You're not too bright? Sorry about that. Not letting your significant other mess up your worthwhile plans with petty excuses about depression and nieces/nephews is the cowards way out? It seems like you're a coward if you've not enough self-respect to put a stop to it.

I do agree her excuses were petty. At the same time, she DID come around. Sometimes women act emotionaly and then think things through later and change their minds. The OP was definitely not a coward for giving her that chance.

We're not saying that women should be robots without autonomy.

Haha! True. But I think Coastie and one other poster was.

One question, since I actually have enough time to hold a conversation on here and not just lurk, for once. Do you guys think that the fact she DID change her mind deserves any thought or warrent? I mean, what if she realized she was wrong? Doesn't anyone you're dating deserve that chance?

 

[JenDoc2007]

Exactly.

Is JenDoc the OP's gf? Likely.

LOL. Funny idea, but no. My SO *is* incredible, though.

He wants to do a residency, and his whiny and controlling fiancee' tells him what WILL happen, because she obviously makes the rules. She's inflexible, controlling, and will use anything (including her cute nieces and nephews) to manipulate this guy into following her rules.

Why do you automatically assume it's manipulation? She could be motivated by fear of change, concern about leaving her family, etc. I agree her excuses were petty. But that doesn't mean she was purposefully manipulating him or trying to usurp his "man authority."

He said it himself: if he puts his foot down, all hell breaks loose. As LaDoc said, if you get married to her, ALL HELL will break loose.

Sheesh....Good luck marrying that!

I noticed you ignored my questions. Did I hit a nerve? I'll ask again... Have you ever been in a successful relationship? Do you stick through tough times, difference of opinion, or just say, "Oh! She didn't bow to my authority. She's out of here!" (If you're looking for that, you'll ended up with a weak-minded, codependent woman. Good luck.)

With women, all sorts of things can affect how they react. What if she's had a history of being great and just broke down? Lots of things - hormones, family problems, work problems, illnesses, death, accidents - can affect how women react. If she was under a lot of stress, she might have temporarily been less agreeable. Notice, she did change her mind.

What are your standards? This does come into play, since we're all expressing our opinions here. It's good to know someone's background.

 

[Coastie]

Uh, I never said women are robots.

Putting words in people's mouths much?

Hmm... I do agree her excuses were petty. At the same time, she DID come around. Sometimes women act emotionally and then think things through later and change their minds. The OP was definitely not a coward for giving her that chance.



Haha! True. But I think Coastie and one other poster was.

One question, since I actually have enough time to hold a conversation on here and not just lurk, for once. Do you guys think that the fact she DID change her mind deserves any thought or warrant? I mean, what if she realized she was wrong? Doesn't anyone you're dating deserve that chance?

 

[JenDoc2007]

Uh, I never said women are robots.

Putting words in people's mouths much?

Man up.

Her parents...her nieces/nephews..Who is making the decisions, wearing the pants in this relationship? Buddy, you've gotta take charge..

This sounds like you want women to be robots. "Man up." "Wear the pants." "Take charge." Sounds like you want a woman who never disagrees and just takes orders, aka robot.

Did you word your post wrong?

 

[JenDoc2007]

Coastie, you're ignoring my questions to you. How come?

 

[funbun]

This is always a challenge. I have found with many people that I know, that making the compromise if possible esp. if you plan on having kids, can help in the long run. Good luck to you both

 

[Coastie]

This is always a challenge. I have found with many people that I know, that making the compromise if possible esp. if you plan on having kids, can help in the long run. Good luck to you both

Unless one of the two involved is trouble and an inflexible taker, as is the OP's fiancee'. Zing!

 

[JenDoc2007]

Unless one of the two involved is trouble and an inflexible taker, as is the OP's fiancee'. Zing!

Coastie's a scaredy. I hit a nerve with you didn't I?

 

[Neuronix]

JenDoc, the definition of trolling is:

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=troll
One who posts a deliberately provocative message to a newsgroup or message board with the intention of causing maximum disruption and argument.

This IS a moderated forum and in the case that you are real, please be on notice to stop provoking fights with people.

 

[xanthines]

I'm a pretty tolerant person and don't want to start deleting posts, but if this thread's tone doesn't start to change I WILL close it down. This is a forum to help and support each other. Please keep it civil!

-X

 

[MedStudentWanna]

Dani, you sure you're a doctor? This guy needs to choose whats best for him.

What's best for him? I thought they were getting married. In a marriage, you don't do what's best for one, you do what's best for THEM. If she's recovering from a bout of depression, perhaps what's best for HER is being close to her family until she can safely be off the medication. And I think her relapse would probably affect them much more than him choosing residency at a different hospital. You people act like she told him not to be a doctor. All she did was say that she wants him to do residency in their current city. She's going to be living there too. It isn't just him. She has a right to give her opinion and to try to live where she would be happy. The world doesn't revolve around him. Besides, what's to say if he doesn't match there, she won't change her mind?

All this talk about "she can't give up three years for the man she loves" blah, blah, blah and not one word about HIM taking only ONE extra year to do his training at the local hospital. Where's HIS compromise? If there really is a mental health issue here, then I fault him, not her. He shouldn't risk her depression when she's still vulnerable. Either call off the engagement, work out a long distance plan, or try to do residency closer to her family until she's stable enough not to relapse (and if you don't match there, then reassess and get back into it with her). Those three choices are much more reasonable than saying "I MUST do residency some place else because I'll save a whole year and I don't care what you say about it!"

And by the way, I'm speaking as a dude here.