Different Worlds...Need Advice..

[PreDocWifey]

Ok...I feel a little foolish... but maybe someone else has felt the same way as I do and can give some advice, so here goes.

My husband is a pre-med bio student in his last semester, and I am working to support him through his undergrad and beyond. It’s been a little challenging at times, it feels like we live in two different worlds, which actually we do. He is a student, slightly older than the “student crowd” (he’s 24) but essentially everyone he is around on a daily basis is younger, and single. I guess you could say I am in the “real world” I’m 26 and the youngest person that works at my company. I try to relate to him, what he’s going through, after all I was a student too before, and he tries to relate to me, but lets face it when all you do is work 10-12 hours a day at an engineering firm you don’t really have anything interesting to say. What I’m getting at is he has many new friends in which he studies with and spends a great deal of time with at school. They are all younger and mostly female. He is a very outgoing and friendly person with everyone, and everyone is naturally drawn to him because he is such a fun guy. But I can’t help but feel a little left out and jealous of his “study buddies” I try to be supportive of him and his friends, I bring them food a t the library when they are studying late at night and whatnot, but I feel a little awkward as “the wife”. He tries to include me with them sometimes, arranging to meet all of his study buddies at a bar or something, but I feel like an outsider with nothing to contribute to the chummy conversations about their professors and funny class antidotes. Ultimately I feel a jealous of the girls he actually spends more time with than me because of our schedules. (It doesn’t help that they are usually younger than I and attractive). I know I have nothing to worry about, my husband is very loyal to me, but I can’t help feeling this way sometimes because after all I was the original “study buddy”. That’s how we met in college. Lately I’ve been able to shrug it all off and forget about it but yesterday he actually missed a meeting with his pre-professional advisor about his applications because he was “celebrating” a good test score over some beers with some of his study partners.
I don’t know what to make of how I feel, or how to make the situation any better. Am I just being completely immature and a psycho-jealous female? Or are my feelings similar to anyone else’s? If I’m crazy…I’ll at least know where to start to start fixing the problem!

Any advice would be appreciated!

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[xanthines]

Well, I think your feelings are not uncommon and you haven't said anything to make me think you're "pyscho" yet.

A lot of times, just recognizing these feelings help. It's a little scary, but sometimes you just have to trust one another. One thing that popped into my mind, however, is that this sort of pattern isn't likely to change if he gets into medical school. What are you going to do then? This isn't meant to bum you out, but to let you know what's ahead. I'd start out by talking to your husband about you feel in a non-confrontational, non-accusatory way. Try to word it so it sounds like he's doing something wrong or that you're angry at him for doing something wrong. This will probably put him on the defensive and not help. You say you're not worried and that your husband is loyal, but you end that statement with a doubt (which is perfectly natural, by the way). So I guess a question I have is Are you feeling more jealous or more neglected? I suspect you feel both, but I was wondering if one was stronger than the other. This is just my opinion, but I think that being married involves a certain amount of sacrifice. He certainly doesn't need to be out with his drinking buddies instead of you. Are you going out for dinners for two? Romantic movies? What about email and phone? I think being in communications with each other is a big deal. Maybe I'm confusing becoming distant with being in two different worlds?

Anyhoo, I think what you're feeling is perfectly natural and you're not crazy. Other people have felt the same way and hopefully they'll chime in. If it makes you feel any better, my significant other has been on the other side of the country for about three years now. Talk about different worlds!

Hang in there and good luck!

-X

Am I just being completely immature and a psycho-jealous female? Or are my feelings similar to anyone else’s? If I’m crazy…I’ll at least know where to start to start fixing the problem! ]

 

[MDHub2002]

You know......when my wife started Med school I have to admit I was a touch jealous. In the back of my mind I worried she would meet some rad guy that was in med school too. She would realize she really related to him and bail. What I found out was that 1) I wasn't giving my wife enough credit and 2) I could do something that would keep me from worrying. I also live in a totally different world then my, now a 2nd year GS resident, spouse. My career has nothing at all to do with medicine. What I did was I got involved with what she was doing. I read articles in JAMA and JACS, in her anatomy books etc. and I realized that while I did not understand the majority of what I saw, it was very interesting. I would ask my wife questions about what I read and did not understand and she got a kick out of the fact that I was showing an interest. When she needed to study, I would offer to quiz her or just turn off the TV and read a book while she studied. Soon the jealousy went away and I found it was unwarranted in the first place. I have met other significant others of Dr's and in a few cases what I found was that a jealous spouse actually helped accelerate the end of their relationship. Not saying it will happen or in all cases has....really just saying communication is the key and if you talk to each other and stay honest, you will be fine.

I hope it all works out for you both and you enjoy the long ride ahead. It can be a hoot at times.

 

[Ionna]

Ok...I feel a little foolish... but maybe someone else has felt the same way as I do and can give some advice, so here goes.

My husband is a pre-med bio student in his last semester, and I am working to support him through his undergrad and beyond. It’s been a little challenging at times, it feels like we live in two different worlds, which actually we do. He is a student, slightly older than the “student crowd” (he’s 24) but essentially everyone he is around on a daily basis is younger, and single. I guess you could say I am in the “real world” I’m 26 and the youngest person that works at my company. I try to relate to him, what he’s going through, after all I was a student too before, and he tries to relate to me, but lets face it when all you do is work 10-12 hours a day at an engineering firm you don’t really have anything interesting to say. What I’m getting at is he has many new friends in which he studies with and spends a great deal of time with at school. They are all younger and mostly female. He is a very outgoing and friendly person with everyone, and everyone is naturally drawn to him because he is such a fun guy. But I can’t help but feel a little left out and jealous of his “study buddies” I try to be supportive of him and his friends, I bring them food a t the library when they are studying late at night and whatnot, but I feel a little awkward as “the wife”. He tries to include me with them sometimes, arranging to meet all of his study buddies at a bar or something, but I feel like an outsider with nothing to contribute to the chummy conversations about their professors and funny class antidotes. Ultimately I feel a jealous of the girls he actually spends more time with than me because of our schedules. (It doesn’t help that they are usually younger than I and attractive). I know I have nothing to worry about, my husband is very loyal to me, but I can’t help feeling this way sometimes because after all I was the original “study buddy”. That’s how we met in college. Lately I’ve been able to shrug it all off and forget about it but yesterday he actually missed a meeting with his pre-professional advisor about his applications because he was “celebrating” a good test score over some beers with some of his study partners.
I don’t know what to make of how I feel, or how to make the situation any better. Am I just being completely immature and a psycho-jealous female? Or are my feelings similar to anyone else’s? If I’m crazy…I’ll at least know where to start to start fixing the problem!

Any advice would be appreciated!

I understand the feeling completely...you would be lying to yourself if you did not feel any of these insecurities...but you have something to celebrate..you are still in your 20s..yet you are mature enough to recognise...these feelings...if you say that your husband is loyal to you..then just go with the flow...as long as there is not more than..."study buddy" going..on...because if there is..i would come and help you beat the wanker up.

Relax...this is what marriage is all about...more on the pain...than gain...hahahah

 

[PreDocWifey]

Thank you all for the wonderful advice! It’s good to hear that I’m not completely crazy and that other people may have felt somewhat similar.

In response to what you asked X, I think I do feel a little more neglected than jealous. But fortunately over this last weekend we were able to talk about it and I think we both realized that we really don’t carve out any “us” time. We don’t go to dinner just the two of us, or anywhere really. We agreed that it’s important for us to set aside some “us” time. So I hope that idea comes to fruition!

MD, I think it’s so great that you get involved with you wife’s studies. I never thought of that really. I tried asking him questions about the stuff he’s learning and he actually seemed surprised and happy to talk about what he does all day. The other idea I tried that you mentioned was turning off the TV while he’s studying. I never really thought about how distracting that may be! It worked out well anyway, I caught up on a book I have been wanting to read and he got a really good grade on his last test!

And Ionna….thanks for the pick me up, life’s really not that bad! (and thanks for the offer to kelp me kick some *** if it goes bad!!)

 

[Ionna]

Thank you all for the wonderful advice! It’s good to hear that I’m not completely crazy and that other people may have felt somewhat similar.

In response to what you asked X, I think I do feel a little more neglected than jealous. But fortunately over this last weekend we were able to talk about it and I think we both realized that we really don’t carve out any “us” time. We don’t go to dinner just the two of us, or anywhere really. We agreed that it’s important for us to set aside some “us” time. So I hope that idea comes to fruition!

MD, I think it’s so great that you get involved with you wife’s studies. I never thought of that really. I tried asking him questions about the stuff he’s learning and he actually seemed surprised and happy to talk about what he does all day. The other idea I tried that you mentioned was turning off the TV while he’s studying. I never really thought about how distracting that may be! It worked out well anyway, I caught up on a book I have been wanting to read and he got a really good grade on his last test!

And Ionna….thanks for the pick me up, life’s really not that bad! (and thanks for the offer to kelp me kick some *** if it goes bad!!)

Is sex good and regular? Is he still going crazy about you? If the answer is yes....darling...no worries...just hold on to your ears and ride the waves. When sex starts to fade ...then it is time to sharpen the ax..and aim low

 

[MDHub2002]

PreDoc...Really glad to hear that you found some things that worked. All I can say is to be creative and open minded. It took me a long time to realize that "time together" did not have to mean joined at the hip. It can be something as simple as sitting on the couch while you both read, 30 mins or an hour at the dinner (or breakfast) table discussing your day or his upcoming rotations, classes, etc. I also find that music is an excellent study aide. My wife always said that music distracted her when she tried to study but one day I put on some jazz and electronic music with a smooth beat and no vocals and she really got into it as white noise when she studied.
My wife despises the TV. She cannot stand having it on when she tries to study so if I have to watch TV she will go into the study or go to IHOP to read. I think it is probably the single largest distraction for her so I try and keep it on as little as possible when she is in study mode. She just took the ABSITE and I think it was on maybe 2 hours the whole month.

Not sure if his med school uses this textbook but a recommendation of something that I found AMAZINGLY interesting that my wife and I could sit and talk endlessly about was the Color Atlas of Anatomy by Rohen and Yokochi. That is the book that really made me realize how interesting what she was doing was. Might want to have a strong stomach before looking at it though.

Anyway. I am happy to hear you both are coming to some common ground. Getting through med school is not only hard on the student, it is also hard on the significant other. The amount of changes and modifications you both have to make are sometimes very hard. If you two become a team, stay close, stay intimate (VERY important), and remember what's important....you will be fine.

 

[PreDocWifey]

Is sex good and regular? Is he still going crazy about you? If the answer is yes....darling...no worries...just hold on to your ears and ride the waves. When sex starts to fade ...then it is time to sharpen the ax..and aim low

HAHA!

Yes the sex IS GOOD....always has been...and (when hes not stressed about a test) he wants it all the time.... darn those weeks with multiple tests!

so i guess no worries...

 

[Ionna]

HAHA!

Yes the sex IS GOOD....always has been...and (when hes not stressed about a test) he wants it all the time.... darn those weeks with multiple tests!

so i guess no worries...

Ok darling...then there is not a worry! I am glad to hear that....now I really have to worry..but that is another thread...this is yours...I should start mine

 

[PreDocWifey]

Start it on up!! We'll work ya through whatever you have goin on!!

 

[TainoMDWife]

hey, I've got something that worked for me predocwifey, my husband is a postbacc med student and I've had similar feelings like you. What I can offer is a suggestion on how to possibly meet some of these people he spends time with and get to know them better.

While my husband and I are in our early thirties and most of his classmates and tutors are mainly in their 20's, we decided to have a get together in our home on MLK day for some Latin Cuisine so my hub could thank them for the fellowship he's made with them in such crazy times. this way it was not like I felt left out while they all related over some drinks at a bar(also I'd be miserable we're prego#1 and I can't drink). Heads up, be ready to put some time in the kitchen or you can always order in. I was in the comfort of my own home and felt less anxious than if I were somewhere else; I did not know anyone coming to our home but this way my husband introduced them as they arrived. I was able to talk to some of the women and exchange phone numbers for girls night out in the future.

Sorry I got to run but there is more I'd like to share, I managed to delete my previous reply by hitting some key when my cell ran.

Good luck and remember, he's probably way to busy to have time to do one of he's favorite pass time with you b4 an exam so he's has no room or time in his head for anyone else other than you and himself.