CookieDough1234
Full Member
- Joined
- Jul 24, 2018
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This is my first time browsing this thread. My situation of course pales in comparison to others…however I am having a bit of a depressive episode.
I’ve been dating someone from my class for the past year. It seemed like we were having a good year. We were “playing house” – I’d do the cooking, the cleaning, the sewing of holes in clothes. I was very happy doing these things. As things progressed we’d start talking about “future” oriented things... like our future dogs names, what our first dog together would be, what things would be like for us when we were older, how id react to a proposal, residencies, etc... Our friend had recently gotten engaged. He researched every single detail of her engagement ring....the name, maker, and everything and sent a picture of it to me. And I was thinking jeez I don’t even have the effort to find out the exact details of xyz’s ring. He would always say “I know I have it good.”
Before he left for summer break, I had more directly brought up, “Is a future for us something you’ve ever considered?” To which, like most guys, he reacted tongue tied. He said, “I enjoy what we have going on now, I’m not sure about the future.” Which is a totally acceptable answer. However he added, “I’m not sure if you’re the one for me.” I started crying after this, it filled me with a sense of inadequacy. I tried explaining how that could come off hurtful, especially to a female, he refused to see that. I told him to take time over break to reflect on what in his life he’d find most fulfilling.
When he got back to his home in another state, he went into a regressive state. His mother would wake him up with breakfast, and then he’d sit in front of a screen playing videogames all day. We facetimed, and he said that now he’s currently conflicted over our present relationship even though we agreed to be together and take our relationship day by day (he gave me his word) on a facetime we had had previously. It was a total flip. He’s saying he’s not sure if he wants it to continue. It felt like the carpet got ripped out from under me. I confronted him with the fact that he was using the defense mechanism of running away in response to fear and an uncomfortable feeling, I told him that was immature. I told him it was okay to feel fear and uncertainty, but our behaviors in response to that are what matter - you shouldn’t run away. He’d respond with accusatory remarks like “you can’t take what you said back” (as if I should feel sorry for having brought up the future, as if I did something wrong). I said, “Why are you taking this so darkly? You’re literally wallowing in negativity (his body language exuded it)” He responded with, “I can’t be happy and cheery like you all the time.” I said, “I’m not being happy and cheery, I’m just trying to communicate with you. This relationship is a 2 way street. It’s not fair for you to go running off and brooding as your thoughts might very well be distorted.” He said “I’m going to think what I want to think and feel what I want to feel.” Everything I said was met with an attack back. I said, “I spoke with 2 of my friends, they went through something a bit similar when the female brought up the future” his response was: “Oh so now you’re trying to compare us to everyone else?!” I’d say, “No, I’m trying to express that other people can empathize with the situation.” He said, “You know you’re right. Maybe I should be considering the future now. I should make a split decision about our relationship right now. What if I can?” I told him “There’s no reason to make split decisions now. We have plenty of time.” Literally everything I said was met with an accusatory remark or an attack back, or somehow a gloomy and dark response. I’d ask him if he missed me, he responded with “no not really. The only reason I’m even on the phone with you at all is to show you a bit of respect.” It was incredibly hurtful to hear that. He’s been literally wallowing in negativity and making this whole thing so dark. He’s having a weird psychological conflict in his head and he’s expressing absolutely no empathy. He had the nerve to make fun of and mock 2 of my friends who were doing research for the summer, saying “I can’t imagine THEM doing that.” And I was thinking, “at least they’re being constructive with their summer instead of sitting in front of videogame screen becoming numb.” He refuses to communicate. He said he needed his space, I’m not going to check in anymore. I stopped all form of contact with him.
During the summer I was looking for housing for him and his three other roommates, since only one of them was actively looking. He decided to not come up here to help out, which I found weird since he doesn’t live THAT far away. The only time I received any time of active response back to messages was in reference to when I was looking for his housing. He wouldn’t ever thank me or show appreciation. He’d say “well I never asked you to do this.” I obviously stopped doing it. All of his belongings/apartment stuff is currently stored in my apartment until he finds a new place.
There’s a lot of psychological terms that can be used for the whole thing... projections, when one can’t handle some sort of discomfort or guilt, they project “blame” on to someone else so they don’t have to deal with it themselves, followed by distancing. But it’s really a regressive / more immature psychological thing to do, more expected of a 14 year old. That’s the thing though, he enters a regressive state when he goes home to his mother. It’s easier for him to put all of the “devaluing” on me so he doesn’t have to hold himself accountable. He’s not handling any of this in a normal, healthy fashion.
To add some background: he is the oldest of three brothers. His mother is Vietnamese, his father is French. He constantly complained of his mother being hypercritical and gossipy (when we all went out to eat once, his mother started up with the waitress to complain about her pad thai. She told the waitress “My neighbor is thai I know what real pad thai tastes like.” He explained it’s always hard to go out to eat with her because she behaves like this every time. On a completely different occasion, I one time stated sometimes we find certain traits that our parents have in our partners and he’d say “I’m with you because you’re nothing like her”) His father spends the majority of his time distancing himself from his wife and family, he spends a lot of time half way around the world working. I am his first relationship, something I and my parents found odd for a 23 year old guy.
There were some red flags throughout the year that I tried to squelch in order to maintain the illusion of my happy little fantasy. To name a few:
1. He’s a 23 year old guy. I asked once if I could come to visit him in Virginia and stay over for a night. He said he wouldn’t even ask his mother, as it was “her house her rules”. If I were to make the 4 hour drive to visit, I wouldn’t be allowed to spend the night, not even on the couch. I mentioned this to my parents. My dad said, “it’s weird that he’s not even embarrassed to say that to you.”
2. He doesn’t have any friends. None from undergrad or high school. Those he was friendly with here at the dental school were through me. He was always a loner who drowned himself in videogames. Everyone knew him as the “serious and quiet guy”.
3. When intimate, he wouldn’t like kissing. He would expect me to do certain things for him without reciprocation. I’d feel awful asking if he could kiss me.
My parents and friends know this is going on. They say he has a lot more issues than the average person does. I logically know that I don’t deserve to be treated like this. However, even with that being said, I’m still in a tremendous state of pain. I feel incredibly empty, as if there’s a void. My mind keeps on reflecting back to “good” times. I feel like I don’t really have a sense of self. I feel like I’m not whole without another person/him there.
I’ve been dating someone from my class for the past year. It seemed like we were having a good year. We were “playing house” – I’d do the cooking, the cleaning, the sewing of holes in clothes. I was very happy doing these things. As things progressed we’d start talking about “future” oriented things... like our future dogs names, what our first dog together would be, what things would be like for us when we were older, how id react to a proposal, residencies, etc... Our friend had recently gotten engaged. He researched every single detail of her engagement ring....the name, maker, and everything and sent a picture of it to me. And I was thinking jeez I don’t even have the effort to find out the exact details of xyz’s ring. He would always say “I know I have it good.”
Before he left for summer break, I had more directly brought up, “Is a future for us something you’ve ever considered?” To which, like most guys, he reacted tongue tied. He said, “I enjoy what we have going on now, I’m not sure about the future.” Which is a totally acceptable answer. However he added, “I’m not sure if you’re the one for me.” I started crying after this, it filled me with a sense of inadequacy. I tried explaining how that could come off hurtful, especially to a female, he refused to see that. I told him to take time over break to reflect on what in his life he’d find most fulfilling.
When he got back to his home in another state, he went into a regressive state. His mother would wake him up with breakfast, and then he’d sit in front of a screen playing videogames all day. We facetimed, and he said that now he’s currently conflicted over our present relationship even though we agreed to be together and take our relationship day by day (he gave me his word) on a facetime we had had previously. It was a total flip. He’s saying he’s not sure if he wants it to continue. It felt like the carpet got ripped out from under me. I confronted him with the fact that he was using the defense mechanism of running away in response to fear and an uncomfortable feeling, I told him that was immature. I told him it was okay to feel fear and uncertainty, but our behaviors in response to that are what matter - you shouldn’t run away. He’d respond with accusatory remarks like “you can’t take what you said back” (as if I should feel sorry for having brought up the future, as if I did something wrong). I said, “Why are you taking this so darkly? You’re literally wallowing in negativity (his body language exuded it)” He responded with, “I can’t be happy and cheery like you all the time.” I said, “I’m not being happy and cheery, I’m just trying to communicate with you. This relationship is a 2 way street. It’s not fair for you to go running off and brooding as your thoughts might very well be distorted.” He said “I’m going to think what I want to think and feel what I want to feel.” Everything I said was met with an attack back. I said, “I spoke with 2 of my friends, they went through something a bit similar when the female brought up the future” his response was: “Oh so now you’re trying to compare us to everyone else?!” I’d say, “No, I’m trying to express that other people can empathize with the situation.” He said, “You know you’re right. Maybe I should be considering the future now. I should make a split decision about our relationship right now. What if I can?” I told him “There’s no reason to make split decisions now. We have plenty of time.” Literally everything I said was met with an accusatory remark or an attack back, or somehow a gloomy and dark response. I’d ask him if he missed me, he responded with “no not really. The only reason I’m even on the phone with you at all is to show you a bit of respect.” It was incredibly hurtful to hear that. He’s been literally wallowing in negativity and making this whole thing so dark. He’s having a weird psychological conflict in his head and he’s expressing absolutely no empathy. He had the nerve to make fun of and mock 2 of my friends who were doing research for the summer, saying “I can’t imagine THEM doing that.” And I was thinking, “at least they’re being constructive with their summer instead of sitting in front of videogame screen becoming numb.” He refuses to communicate. He said he needed his space, I’m not going to check in anymore. I stopped all form of contact with him.
During the summer I was looking for housing for him and his three other roommates, since only one of them was actively looking. He decided to not come up here to help out, which I found weird since he doesn’t live THAT far away. The only time I received any time of active response back to messages was in reference to when I was looking for his housing. He wouldn’t ever thank me or show appreciation. He’d say “well I never asked you to do this.” I obviously stopped doing it. All of his belongings/apartment stuff is currently stored in my apartment until he finds a new place.
There’s a lot of psychological terms that can be used for the whole thing... projections, when one can’t handle some sort of discomfort or guilt, they project “blame” on to someone else so they don’t have to deal with it themselves, followed by distancing. But it’s really a regressive / more immature psychological thing to do, more expected of a 14 year old. That’s the thing though, he enters a regressive state when he goes home to his mother. It’s easier for him to put all of the “devaluing” on me so he doesn’t have to hold himself accountable. He’s not handling any of this in a normal, healthy fashion.
To add some background: he is the oldest of three brothers. His mother is Vietnamese, his father is French. He constantly complained of his mother being hypercritical and gossipy (when we all went out to eat once, his mother started up with the waitress to complain about her pad thai. She told the waitress “My neighbor is thai I know what real pad thai tastes like.” He explained it’s always hard to go out to eat with her because she behaves like this every time. On a completely different occasion, I one time stated sometimes we find certain traits that our parents have in our partners and he’d say “I’m with you because you’re nothing like her”) His father spends the majority of his time distancing himself from his wife and family, he spends a lot of time half way around the world working. I am his first relationship, something I and my parents found odd for a 23 year old guy.
There were some red flags throughout the year that I tried to squelch in order to maintain the illusion of my happy little fantasy. To name a few:
1. He’s a 23 year old guy. I asked once if I could come to visit him in Virginia and stay over for a night. He said he wouldn’t even ask his mother, as it was “her house her rules”. If I were to make the 4 hour drive to visit, I wouldn’t be allowed to spend the night, not even on the couch. I mentioned this to my parents. My dad said, “it’s weird that he’s not even embarrassed to say that to you.”
2. He doesn’t have any friends. None from undergrad or high school. Those he was friendly with here at the dental school were through me. He was always a loner who drowned himself in videogames. Everyone knew him as the “serious and quiet guy”.
3. When intimate, he wouldn’t like kissing. He would expect me to do certain things for him without reciprocation. I’d feel awful asking if he could kiss me.
My parents and friends know this is going on. They say he has a lot more issues than the average person does. I logically know that I don’t deserve to be treated like this. However, even with that being said, I’m still in a tremendous state of pain. I feel incredibly empty, as if there’s a void. My mind keeps on reflecting back to “good” times. I feel like I don’t really have a sense of self. I feel like I’m not whole without another person/him there.
