boyfriend stress

[snoofle]

im pretty new to the whole site and pretty much stayed in the MPH section for a while..anyways, i found this section and wanted to vent a little bit about my situation.

To start my boyfriend and I have been dating for 5 years. Im going to start my MPH degree in the fall either in New Orleans, Washington DC, or New york..all of which are considerably far from our hometown of Atlanta. He isnt upset about the long distance thing yet. He's more concerned with how old i'll be when im finally done with everything. I decided that i wanted to participate in a Masters International program which would send me to another country for 2 yrs after i finish my required coursework, then i return and graduate. However, i still want to go to medical school after my MPH..when I return from the Peace Corps, ill be around 27; then med school would be another 4 years plus residency..so id be in my 30s. I've always said id rather wait til im completely done with school to settle but now hes making me feel like ill be some ancient dinosaur when i return from the Peace Corps at 27. He wants to get married or engaged before I leave..which right now, I dont want to do and he constantly says he doesnt wanna get married if im some "old" 30 year old! since when is 30 old!? Anyone else had these age issues??

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[Phlame217]

I have a similar case except im a guy and im in your position. Its similar in the fact that my gf of 3 years is in a 4 year elementary education program in her sophomore year and I am a junior in my pathway to a BS in Health Science. Per diem my MCAT, I will hopefully start medical school in 2009. I am already at, and have been for 2 years, a college 80 miles from her and return on weekends and if I get into the med school I want, I'll be able to move back to my hometown as its only 10 miles from the school. But I am also interested in a program at another college about 120 miles from my home town. Anyways, I don't really want to get married or plan a marriage until farther in the future like around the time i graduate med school, but she wants it now or by the time she graduates.

Her reasoning is she doesn't want to be in a "date-relationship" for the next 5 years until I'd graduate medical school and wants to be married no than the times she graduates...

 

[smeagol]

If it is of any consolation poor smeagol wishes he could complain about significant-other-related stress

 

[snoofle]

haha DONT! especially when the significant other is threatening to break up if I'm 29 when I decide to get married!

 

[MDHub2002]

Hey...Let me tell you from personal experience no matter how old you are it will be OK.
My wife was a nurse for a couple years until she decided she wanted to go to Medical school. She enrolled in college to finish her undergrad degree......at 27 years old. She finished med school at 33 yo and is now 35 yo and about to start her 3rd year GS residency.
Was it weird being the oldest person at the party a lot of the time??...sure it was. But she was by no means the oldest person at her school in terms of enrolled students.
So tell him it is OK. You can still have a life, family, home, etc...even at 30+. People do it every day.
People have priorities and things they want to accomplish in life. You do your thing. Med school will still be there when you get back and if the BF loves you, he will to. If he is willing to bail because you would be some icky 30 year old.....well....I'm sure there will be plenty of guys in you MS1 class that won't feel that way.
Good Luck and I really hope everything works out!

 

[DocRawk]

I'm sorry, but I'd chalk these relationships up to bad timing. If the other person is really set on being married in the next couple years, and you're not wanting to for at least 5-8 years, then you'll both probably be happier in the long run with people that are on similar paths and schedules to your own. Looking back at 20-22 year old relationships, they are great and can possibly go somewhere, but, if you're headed in opposite directions, it's best to just be honest with each other and call it what it is.

 

[xanthines]

I don't know your boyfriend at all, but it sounds like he might have some security issues. What's his career trajectory at the moment? I have to admit that when my girlfriend went off to grad school (a world-reknown one, I might add), I was a little apprehensive of the kind of guys she might meet. Yes, I was totally immature and freely admit it, but your boyfriend might be afraid that you won't come back.

I also agree that 30 isn't old! I definitely feel the cold hands of time creeping up on me... There's certainly not anything wrong with waiting until you're 30, 40, or 50 to get married. I think the model of getting married and having kids before 30 is starting to die out. At least in our cohort of the extremely educated.

One thing to consider is getting married in grad/med school. Lots of people do it and it seems to be OK. I even know one guy that managed to get married and have 3 kids all while in school! (OK, so he's an MD/PhD student so that's not really fair, but still!) While I understand that you want to be finished with school before settling, it's possible to get married in school and still succeed in both your career and marriage. Not easy, but then what is anymore?

I agree with MDHub2002 in that it will be OK. He seems to be pretty spot on!

-X

im pretty new to the whole site and pretty much stayed in the MPH section for a while..anyways, i found this section and wanted to vent a little bit about my situation.

To start my boyfriend and I have been dating for 5 years. Im going to start my MPH degree in the fall either in New Orleans, Washington DC, or New york..all of which are considerably far from our hometown of Atlanta. He isnt upset about the long distance thing yet. He's more concerned with how old i'll be when im finally done with everything. I decided that i wanted to participate in a Masters International program which would send me to another country for 2 yrs after i finish my required coursework, then i return and graduate. However, i still want to go to medical school after my MPH..when I return from the Peace Corps, ill be around 27; then med school would be another 4 years plus residency..so id be in my 30s. I've always said id rather wait til im completely done with school to settle but now hes making me feel like ill be some ancient dinosaur when i return from the Peace Corps at 27. He wants to get married or engaged before I leave..which right now, I dont want to do and he constantly says he doesnt wanna get married if im some "old" 30 year old! since when is 30 old!? Anyone else had these age issues??

 

[snoofle]

my boyfriend never went to college, because both his parents died and left him to take care of his younger sisters..so i can see how he may think im just moving on to bigger things while hes stuck at home taking care of his family

 

[blankguy]

my boyfriend never went to college, because both his parents died and left him to take care of his younger sisters..so i can see how he may think im just moving on to bigger things while hes stuck at home taking care of his family

That is terrible! God bless his soul for pulling through on such a tragedy. I think we take our parents for granted. I take it he has gone through a lot more than the average man at his age.

 

[snoofle]

i have an update..my boyfriend ended up breaking up with me, because he just didn't think he could really wait..it really sucks that after 5 years, I have to realize that him and I really weren't compatible and nor is he willing to compromise with me on this.

 

[aleezay]

sorry snoofle to hear about that.

 

[MDHub2002]

I am wicked sorry to hear that. You have a right to follow your dreams and achieve your goals and if someone that purports to love you doesn't value your plans and cannot be flexible then hey....you will be better suited for what you will be up against for the next few years. The last thing you need is a leech that sucks all the joy out of the experience.
You will meet some fascinating and interesting people very soon and I think you will soon feel relief and satisfaction you are doing things the way you want to.

 

[Ionna]

im pretty new to the whole site and pretty much stayed in the MPH section for a while..anyways, i found this section and wanted to vent a little bit about my situation.

To start my boyfriend and I have been dating for 5 years. Im going to start my MPH degree in the fall either in New Orleans, Washington DC, or New york..all of which are considerably far from our hometown of Atlanta. He isnt upset about the long distance thing yet. He's more concerned with how old i'll be when im finally done with everything. I decided that i wanted to participate in a Masters International program which would send me to another country for 2 yrs after i finish my required coursework, then i return and graduate. However, i still want to go to medical school after my MPH..when I return from the Peace Corps, ill be around 27; then med school would be another 4 years plus residency..so id be in my 30s. I've always said id rather wait til im completely done with school to settle but now hes making me feel like ill be some ancient dinosaur when i return from the Peace Corps at 27. He wants to get married or engaged before I leave..which right now, I dont want to do and he constantly says he doesnt wanna get married if im some "old" 30 year old! since when is 30 old!? Anyone else had these age issues??

Tell him to get over it...when you are in your 30s...he would look like in his 50s.... Indeed...men age more rapidly than women...I am pushing 40 and dating an ER Doc who is 5 years my junior...and darling...I look bloody smashing. Go on and follow your dreams!

 

[Neuronix]

my boyfriend ended up breaking up with me, because he just didn't think he could really wait..

It's happened to me a couple times. That's the price you pay for having a career in this business. You're constantly forced to move and you can never plan a permanent location. Nobody seems to care that you have a personal life of your own and you're supposed to have children before your eggs fail. But, c'est la vie.

So since you've resigned yourself to a career, is it worth it to have a long distance relationship with someone for many years? I mean think about it, far away for many years? For me it never was.

Besides, there's a ton of decent guys out there so you'll get over him. I went out with a girl for 7 years. 2 years later she was married and pregnant. Don't worry...

 

[DallasMedic]

Give your time to grieve and like my mom always says life is not a rehersal every day needs to be played to its fullest.

 

[UnderdogMD]

i have an update..my boyfriend ended up breaking up with me, because he just didn't think he could really wait..it really sucks that after 5 years, I have to realize that him and I really weren't compatible and nor is he willing to compromise with me on this.

What was the compromise? Him waiting 8-10 years for you to accomplish your professional goals. A compromise is where both sides sacrifice something. Like if you had decided that medicine was your ultimate goal and decided to go straight into medical school and not get the MPH and do the Masters international program.

Ultimately, I agree with the advice in this thread that you two are not compatible and your lives are headed in different directions. While the breakup is unfortunate it is better that it happened now than five years down the road.

 

[MaddieMay]

What baffles me is that the guy doesn't seem to realize that even if he marries her when she's 25, she will, in fact, eventually turn 30. What's his hangup? He desperately needs her to be "young" on the wedding day? Bizarre. Girl you can do so much better!!