I observed an wise, old geezer attending once tell an intern, “why are you running? The patient is having an emergency, but you aren’t.”
We often don’t have much control of outcomes. People that die often stay dead. Ones in purgatory often get there too, probably gladly.
Agree with
@WilcoWorld above. Your experience is common and likely reflects your stage in development as an EP. It’s end of second year and early third year residents that ‘know’ what they are doing at all times. Then you come back down to reality as your ability level grows into realizing that you don’t know it all.
I also agree with
@Tiger26, the first few months out of residency are the most challenging time you will experience in your medical training/career. The buck now stops with you for the very first time. That is daunting, but you are ready if well trained. Doesn’t mean it is easy. With time though it becomes second nature. Almost seamlessly you will transition from asking other colleagues for their second opinions to becoming the one your colleagues ask for a second opinion.
@cyanide12345678 and
@RustedFox are also spot on. Delivering a baby no matter how routine, calming a frantic parent while you calm yourself taking care of a crashing kid, or drawing deep from your bag of airway tricks will always continue to make you pucker a little and clean up your pants later. The dead though, are dead, meh.
Everyone has felt some sense of anxiety during their career, even those who are calm, very even-keeled people. Those that can’t admit that are dangerously arrogant and poorly self reflective.
Climb back on the horse. One shift at a time. You’ll develop expertise (right before you burn out and pursue your non-ED fellowship full time). All the best.