Another "long distance sucks" thread. Advice?

[ViergeEnnuyeuse]

I'm in medical school and started my 3rd year a couple of months ago. I've been with my girlfriend for over 3 years now. She lived over here with me during my first two years of school. Now she's starting her first year of medical school. The problem is that I go to school in California and she's going to med school in Louisiana.

Don't get me wrong. I'm really happy for her. She really had her heart set on medical school so I'm glad she got in and is going to be able to do what she wants with her life. But the distance is so hard. We're over 2200 mi away so it's not like we can see each other on the weekends. Plus with 3rd year rotations...yeah.

I'm so miserable. My appetite has practically vanished. I've lost weight. I'm having problems sleeping. I feel okay when I'm at school or the hospital because I'm kept busy and surrounded by people. But when I come home...that's when it starts. It's been a few weeks since she moved so I thought that I would be feeling a little better by now, but I'm not. I'm actually feeling worse. I occasionally talk to some of my buddies about it but they don't really get it. I can't blame them though since they've always had their girlfriends or wives nearby. They told me that I should "man up" and use this opportunity to meet new people. They make it seem like I should just break up with her. I don't want to.

We've put so much into the relationship and I really don't want to call it quits due to the distance and I don't want to go on "break" (whatever the f*** that means). I'm hoping and praying that I'll be able to do my residency at the school she's at but that's still 2 years away and there's the huge possibility that I won't be able to. Then it will be more years separated.

I really don't know what to do or how to feel.

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[RemiJP]

I'm in medical school and started my 3rd year a couple of months ago. I've been with my girlfriend for over 3 years now. She lived over here with me during my first two years of school. Now she's starting her first year of medical school. The problem is that I go to school in California and she's going to med school in Louisiana.

Don't get me wrong. I'm really happy for her. She really had her heart set on medical school so I'm glad she got in and is going to be able to do what she wants with her life. But the distance is so hard. We're over 2200 mi away so it's not like we can see each other on the weekends. Plus with 3rd year rotations...yeah.

I'm so miserable. My appetite has practically vanished. I've lost weight. I'm having problems sleeping. I feel okay when I'm at school or the hospital because I'm kept busy and surrounded by people. But when I come home...that's when it starts. It's been a few weeks since she moved so I thought that I would be feeling a little better by now, but I'm not. I'm actually feeling worse. I occasionally talk to some of my buddies about it but they don't really get it. I can't blame them though since they've always had their girlfriends or wives nearby. They told me that I should "man up" and use this opportunity to meet new people. They make it seem like I should just break up with her. I don't want to.

We've put so much into the relationship and I really don't want to call it quits due to the distance and I don't want to go on "break" (whatever the f*** that means). I'm hoping and praying that I'll be able to do my residency at the school she's at but that's still 2 years away and there's the huge possibility that I won't be able to. Then it will be more years separated.

I really don't know what to do or how to feel.

Long distance does suck. I did it over the past year and have friends who are currently in long distance relationships and plan to be for the rest of our graduate program. The couple that really seems to make it work best have committed to a routine of talking/video chatting every day at a scheduled time. Of course the are can be flexible with the time, but they never go a whole day without speaking. My boyfriend and I probably spoke more than once a day and e-mailed throughout the day (just quick little things like "this hilarious thing happened today..." or "i thought of you when i saw this...").

Have you two figured out a way to never go a certain amount of time without seeing each other? The limit for us was 4 weeks and this seemed to fit well with our academic calendars. Being able to count down the days/weeks really helps. And when you learn that "yes, we can handle 4 weeks" it gets easiest over time. I believe that long distance relationships require an enormous amount of trust and if you are having doubts for reasons other than the simple fact that you are apart (example: she's not keeping in touch as much as you had hoped and discussed) it can be extremely challenging if not impossible to keep it going. It sounds like you are feeling very low right now. If you feel like your relationship is strong and the two of you are communicating well right now, perhaps you might feel better speaking with a counselor to deal with your sadness about being apart.

 

[xanthines]

Yes, long distance relationships really suck and I'd venture to say that more of them fail, than make it. However, it is possible to tough it out. The common theme seems to be consistent communication. You have to make sure to keep calling, video chatting, IM'ing each other. It's also important to visit each other as often as you can. The cost can be high, but if you trade-off evenly you "only" have to pay for 6 flights a year, if you two are trying to visit once a month.

I was definitely bummed out after moving away for awhile, so try to give it some time. Just so there's no surprises, you might also feel crummy after your visits. I always did. It was basically leaving, yet again.

I think RemiJP is right, in that perhaps you should consider counseling. Your sleeping and dieting problems indicate this might be affecting you more severely than is healthy. Talking it out with a sympathetic ear could help.

You can always vent here, though.

Best of luck!

-X

 

[ViergeEnnuyeuse]

You can always vent here, though.

Don't mind if I do!

I guess what I'm worried about is that she's going to find someone more interesting. There's also the "out of sight, out of mind" thing.

I also thought about counseling but I didn't really get along with the school's counselor (I've went previously for unrelated issues). Maybe I could go to a private one....?

I just wish I could see into the future. If it's going to end, I wish it could just end now so I can get it over with. We do talk pretty much every night but I just worry that it won't be enough.

Sorry, this post was all over the place. I guess I'm still feeling kinda down.

 

[beannaithe]

Yeah, I agree. Long distance does suck and it is really, really hard. I've been doing it for the past 3 years with my boyfriend and we still have 1 more to go before I'm done with dental school.

My boyfriend and I put a "time limit" on how long we'd go without seeing each other. Usually for us, it was no longer then 5 weeks seeing as he's about a 5 hour car ride from my school. So we'd do whatever we could to make sure that we kept our time together. It was hard...definately hard. But it was worth it because it was something that we both wanted to make work. Another thing was we set up that we'd talk every night for about an hour (assuming we both had time.) It didn't feel like enough at first, but once we got used to it, it was definately just enough for us. I do recommend video chatting like everyone else recommended. There's just something about being able to see your significant other's face to make you smile....though it wasn't for my boyfriend and I. It's great if you both get webcams that allow you to see each other. Another thing that kind of helped me out was making a date that we'd try to see each other while we were together for a visit. We'd pick a time and a ballpark date...it gave us a goal to look forward to and that way we knew we had something to look forward to.

I think you should just try your best to keep busy. Go out with friends on weekends, invite people out for dinner and keep yourself as busy as you can. It makes things a lot easier and you'll see time go by a lot faster. Though I do agree with everyone else's recommendation for some counseling if you feel as down as you sound. It would probably help you feel a lot better.

Just keep trying and you guys'll survive it...

 

[airplanes]

Long distance is so tough. Good luck OP.

 

[darkangel77]

Yes, I can definitely agree that long distance really, really sucks. I've been in a long distance relationship for about 3 and a half years now with my current boyfriend (he's actually here with me now visiting for the summer, but he's leaving next weekend...and I won't see him again until December, so I'm definitely not looking forward to the day I have to see him off at the airport), and have been in two LDRs previously, so hopefully I can shed some light. Not to be cliche or anything, but I believe that if both of you truly want it to work, you'll find a way to make it work, no matter what it takes.

Just a little background on my own relationship...it's pretty similar to yours, I would think. We spent our first year apart while I finished up my last year in college, and then I moved to Seattle for two years (he lives in Washington state and I live in New York) to work. I then applied for physical therapy school, in which I got into school back home in New York. So I ended up moving away from him again back in May, and he has to finish up his undergrad work back home in Seattle for another year and a half.

I also can't talk to my friends/family about our relationship, because none of them have ever been in an LDR, so they're usually not too helpful and can't understand why I don't just date someone who lives closer to me.

What I do to help with coping with the distance is just focus on my studies (time always went by a lot faster when I was in school, I noticed!), spend time with my family and friends, and work out on a regular basis so I can look good for him when I saw him again^^. I also like to write, so I write a lot when we're apart, and it makes the time zoom by like nothing. So use your time apart to pursue your hobbies in addition to studying =]

My boyfriend and I talk pretty much everyday (and on the days that we can't talk due to whatever reason, we text each other talking about our days and such), and because we have differing schedules we always set a time to meet online and chat on Skype and play video games together while we talk. We normally talk anywhere from 1-5 hours a day. Also, we try to plan visits as soon as we can so that both of us have something to look forward to. The important thing for us is to keep in constant contact, and that meant sacrificing some time spent doing other things (both of us spend less time with friends and family than we used to), but we're both fine with it.

And I'm the worst when it comes to after-visit depression...it used to be really, really painful for me, but we talk to each other again as soon as possible, and I try to get back into the "normal" groove of things as quick as I can. A little thing that helps me too, is when we're ending a visit, we always say "see you later, talk to you tonight," before we go our separate ways, I think it always sounds so much better than saying "goodbye".

Anyway, I hope I was of some help to you in coping with a LDR It's definitely not easy and requires a lot of commitment from both sides to keep it going strong, but it'll be worth it once you can be together physically, for good. After all, what's a few years apart when you're going to be together for the rest of your life?

 

[sumstorm]

so, long distance is tough. it is also an opportunity to appreciate your partern, to learn more about yourself and your partner, and to explore how things can move forward.

Also, long distance, especially with 2 professionals, can happen repeatedly. My husband's career and my career have seperated us by half a country (and an ocean) several times. It only gets easier if you stop fighting it and see it as a stage of life.

Take this as an opportunity to explore your interests and hobbies. To explore each other. During our engagement, we picked up 'question' books about things like 'what is one thing you would save if your home was on fire' or 'if you could have your dream career anywhere, where would it be' and it shook out some interesting things....like that both of us are interested in hte Pacific northwest or New Zealand.

We are seperated again, this time by less distance (the hardest was 6mo of me in the midwest and him in Singapore) but still only see each other about once a month. I spend time with my pets, running, swimming...he spends time learning to fly. We talke daily, during my 10-15 minute drive home. We might get a second call in before bed, depending on schedules. Being away from each other helps us appreciate how unique we are, and how fortunate to find each other. We see lots of other people who don't have it nearly as good...or who we wouldn't enjoy being with as much.

It sounds like you are worried about whether your partner will find someone 'better.' That kind of worry can lead you to push a parnter away. You have to believe in yourself, know your own value, to share it with someone else. You also have to move past being upset/sad/etc..... ask yourself if you would want to deal with someone every day who is down on themselves, on life, and on the situation they are in. Even when life is hard, the people that are fun to be around are those who accept it, figure out how to deal with it, stay optimistic and upbeat, and persevere...not the ones who focus on how horrible it is, or who can't figure out viable solutions, or even appreciate the good fortune in their life.

Here in our home (a state away) we have a motto; we are still breathing and no one is trying to kill us, so life is pretty good.