Z

[Ohmyok]

There are already so many threads like this, but I've got to vent. Please enjoy my novella aka reasons why I'm having trouble sleeping at night!

"Mark" and I have been dating for three years now. Even before we started, we knew our career goals will pull us where the opportunities are. I don't regret spending the last three years with him. In fact, he's wonderful. I see an entire life with him and it makes this entire process that much more difficult.

Marks served in the army before, and he had done long-distance with his ex at the time. When we first started talking about him and I doing long-distance, he had no problem expressing his bad experience. It's not that the relationship ended because of LD, but in his words, "It's hard to be optimistic about doing long-distance because I've done it already. I know what comes with it and it sucks." Since then, the topic typically ends with the understanding that we've got no other choice and it's what we're going to do if we both want this relationship. Four years. I can see us getting through that nbd actually.

Let's add on the fact I'm applying towards the HPSP scholarship right now. That's always been in the plan. I think the boards meet in December/January and by February, I'll find out if this is about to be a 4 year long-distance relationship or potentially 9 years. The possibility of Marks profession having job availabilities where the military sends me? I won't even count on it. The man has his own career to build and I respect that.

If I get the scholarship, there's no way I'm not taking it. If I don't get it this year, I'll apply for it again next year. Marks all on board about me pursuing whatever I want, but if I take this scholarship and leave my future up to the military, I'm pretty sure that's a road we're not going to take together.

Am I sabotaging this relationship? I guess.
Does that mean I don't love him enough? I don't think so. I'm just expecting things to work out if we want it to.
Am I pursuing a life where I'll have financial freedom and not be subject to a 17-year loan repayment plan? Absolutely.

So do we end it now? In February when boards come out with decisions? What if I don't get accepted this year, but I do next year? We do long distance during D1 just to call it quits after I take my oath? OR what if we actually do long distance for 9 years!?

It's just stressful, you know? It's worse than waiting for December 2nd to see if I even get accepted. I'm just waiting for life to give me my cards. I know my priorities in life and if my partner isn't on the same page with them, where can I compromise in this situation? It's been getting harder to sleep at night ya'll I'm stressed.

Thanks for reading

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[giannis]

This is not a dating and relationship forum.

This is SDN. The answer here is simple. Screw the guy and pursue your dreams.

 

[Faris_]

Not a dating website but, sounds like you're looking for a way out and using this as an excuse. just let things come naturally if this relationship is actually that important, this way it'll be mutual. just my ¢2.

 

[deleted945327]

From the looks of it, you don't seem optimistic about the outcome of the relationship. Consciously, you already have the answer to this question but feel the need to speak to others about whether or not that answer in your mind is the right answer. At the end of the day, there are many dental students that do long distance relationships and cope with it. Will long distance relationships work out in dental school? Absolutely. Will it work for everyone? Absolutely not. It all depends on the effort you and "Mark" put into the relationship.

You really have to just wait it out and see what the future holds for you both. What's meant to be will be and there's nothing that will stop it. If you were meant to get the HSPS scholarship and be gone for 9 years, then that was your written path. If not, you'll have a better "alternative" path that was for you all along. We all have to overcome barriers in our life and for you, this just might be one that determines your future. Think present, not future! A wise man once said "Stop being afraid of what can go wrong and start being positive about what can go right".

 

[deleted945327]

This is not a dating and relationship forum.

This is SDN. The answer here is simple. Screw the guy and pursue your dreams.

Someone broke your heart huh.

 

[TanMan]

There are already so many threads like this, but I've got to vent. Please enjoy my novella aka reasons why I'm having trouble sleeping at night!

"Mark" and I have been dating for three years now. Even before we started, we knew our career goals will pull us where the opportunities are. I don't regret spending the last three years with him. In fact, he's wonderful. I see an entire life with him and it makes this entire process that much more difficult.

Marks served in the army before, and he had done long-distance with his ex at the time. When we first started talking about him and I doing long-distance, he had no problem expressing his bad experience. It's not that the relationship ended because of LD, but in his words, "It's hard to be optimistic about doing long-distance because I've done it already. I know what comes with it and it sucks." Since then, the topic typically ends with the understanding that we've got no other choice and it's what we're going to do if we both want this relationship. Four years. I can see us getting through that nbd actually.

Let's add on the fact I'm applying towards the HPSP scholarship right now. That's always been in the plan. I think the boards meet in December/January and by February, I'll find out if this is about to be a 4 year long-distance relationship or potentially 9 years. The possibility of Marks profession having job availabilities where the military sends me? I won't even count on it. The man has his own career to build and I respect that.

If I get the scholarship, there's no way I'm not taking it. If I don't get it this year, I'll apply for it again next year. Marks all on board about me pursuing whatever I want, but if I take this scholarship and leave my future up to the military, I'm pretty sure that's a road we're not going to take together.

Am I sabotaging this relationship? I guess.
Does that mean I don't love him enough? I don't think so. I'm just expecting things to work out if we want it to.
Am I pursuing a life where I'll have financial freedom and not be subject to a 17-year loan repayment plan? Absolutely.

So do we end it now? In February when boards come out with decisions? What if I don't get accepted this year, but I do next year? We do long distance during D1 just to call it quits after I take my oath? OR what if we actually do long distance for 9 years!?

It's just stressful, you know? It's worse than waiting for December 2nd to see if I even get accepted. I'm just waiting for life to give me my cards. I know my priorities in life and if my partner isn't on the same page with them, where can I compromise in this situation? It's been getting harder to sleep at night ya'll I'm stressed.

Thanks for reading.

Are you telling a story with rhetorical questions or are you asking a question regarding your situation?

I'm going to tell you a few things that I learned. LD rarely works and requires sacrifice/compromise. Someone's most likely going to F up and result in wasted time. Ask me how I know. People are replaceable. People who drag you down should be replaced. Anyone who is irreplaceable in your life is literally holding you hostage to their will. Your partner's words are already a giveaway that they need constant attention and/or they are probably going to stray.

You really want to make it work? You need to be the one to compromise, because you can't depend on anyone besides yourself. You should probably go to a school near your life partner... and if things don't work out, you can hate them for "convincing" you to stay in a school that you don't even like. If you're not that interested and you're living together, it's best to quit cold turkey. Break up with them and throw most of your stuff away as you start your new life. Most satisfying thing I did during that point in my life. I was not going to let someone tie me down into mediocrity and neither should you.

Do I think the military is worth it if this person is an absolute catch? Nope. Especially if they have the financial means to fund your education.

 

[deleted945327]

Do I think the military is worth it if this person is an absolute catch? Nope. Especially if they have the financial means to fund your education.

I agree. It’s not the end of the world if she didn’t receive a HSPS and continue with that route. You have plenty of dentists out there that are able to pay for their debts, with more than majority for a start.

She just has to really think about whether she can compromise and make her relationship work (at the end of the day, is the person worth it?). I used to be in a relationship prior to re-taking my DAT for the second time. I ended the relationship because she started snapping at me that I wasn’t taking the DAT this January and wanted to postpone it to summer of 2019. On top of that, I wanted to take additional courses like anatomy and physiology (I’m a psych major). She advised me not to take classes I don’t need and continue to snap....this also helped me realized how much she was dragging me down.

 

[Ohmyok]

Thanks so much for your input. I woke up this morning and wanted to VOMIT on my phone. I don't talk about it with my friends because its a downer subject, I drink too much wine on Thanksgiving night and spill my life dilemma on SDN. I'm honestly embarrassed, but you all are so kind. May my story rest on the internet for all of time.

 

[deleted945327]

Sometimes it's best to let out your thoughts so it doesn't stay barricaded inside you adding pro-longed stress to your life. Personally though, If I believe I'm with someone supportive and I know this person is someone I'd love to spend the rest of my life with, I'd rather stick with my debt and fight it out with my spouse with them by my side through all 4 years in dental school. I'm not afraid of the debt even though I know the cons that come with it, that's my life and I 'd like to know I'm confident and optimistic about my paths. People will tell you you're stupid for choosing the path in which you either take the debt and try to stay with your spouse, or, people will tell you you're stupid for choosing the path in which you decide to take the HSPS scholarship and leave your spouse.

Ultimately, ONLY YOU are in control of your life. Live it how YOU want to, not based off others advice and what they tell you what you should do. I promise you will never be happy if you decide to dwell on others advice for decisions like these.

And of course, there's always people here for you. Best of luck with everything.

 

[TanMan]

Thanks so much for your input. I woke up this morning and wanted to VOMIT on my phone. I don't talk about it with my friends because its a downer subject, I drink too much wine on Thanksgiving night and spill my life dilemma on SDN. I'm honestly embarrassed, but you all are so kind. May my story rest on the internet for all of time.

Drinking doesn't change the true thoughts and feelings you have (internally). Drinking reveals your true self and your true thoughts. If you don't recall what you wrote and the perception that you project unto others does not match what you wrote, you may want to think about what you wrote while drunk. It's an introspective look that you rarely have a record of. For some people, the denial is so strong that they lead unhappy lives just because of what is expected of them by their peers/family/society. When we have company drinking functions, that gives me a true view of how people really are. I know who to trust and not to trust.

I agree. It’s not the end of the world if she didn’t receive a HSPS and continue with that route. You have plenty of dentists out there that are able to pay for their debts, with more than majority for a start.

She just has to really think about whether she can compromise and make her relationship work (at the end of the day, is the person worth it?). I used to be in a relationship prior to re-taking my DAT for the second time. I ended the relationship because she started snapping at me that I wasn’t taking the DAT this January and wanted to postpone it to summer of 2019. On top of that, I wanted to take additional courses like anatomy and physiology (I’m a psych major). She advised me not to take classes I don’t need and continue to snap....this also helped me realized how much she was dragging me down.

Sounds like you dodged a bullet. Someone bossing you around at such an early stage is going to try and dominate you for the rest of your relationship if you stayed with them. I see far too many men who are so whipped by their partners that they literally cannot move without express permission from their partner. It gets so bad that you have to tell their respective partners that the patient is an adult and if they wish to get the treatment they need, then they cannot deny consent for their partner. It's THAT bad.

 

[macsak]

Drinking doesn't change the true thoughts and feelings you have (internally). Drinking reveals your true self and your true thoughts. If you don't recall what you wrote and the perception that you project unto others does not match what you wrote, you may want to think about what you wrote while drunk. It's an introspective look that you rarely have a record of. For some people, the denial is so strong that they lead unhappy lives just because of what is expected of them by their peers/family/society. When we have company drinking functions, that gives me a true view of how people really are. I know who to trust and not to trust.

in college, my friends and I had a saying, "when the booze goes down, the truth comes out"