Would you marry someone that was financially irresponsible?

[MusicJunkie]

So I've been with my boyfriend for quite some time, and we've decided that our relationship is headed towards marriage in the coming years.

However, my boyfriend is extremely financially irresponsible (doesn't pay bills on time, bad credit, etc), and even though we've talked about his situation several times, he doesn't do much to change it. I'm the complete opposite. I'm extremely careful with my money, and I've worked hard to build up a good credit score over the years. I guess my question is, would you marry someone that was absolutely perfect for you, even if they were financially irresponsible?

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[Velocity]

Unless it's really, really bad, I'd say it's fine - just understand that it might put some strain on the relationship at times. Ideally your boyfriend will change his ways and completely follow your example, but meeting halfway wouldn't necessarily be terrible either. That is, he improves a bit, and you downgrade your expectations a bit.

Have you considered how things will be when you're married and both working? You'll likely both be saving for things to fund together. I could imagine big problems arising if you couldn't trust him to not raid those savings for purchases for himself, or other similar situations.

 

[MusicJunkie]

Unless it's really, really bad, I'd say it's fine - just understand that it might put some strain on the relationship at times. Ideally your boyfriend will change his ways and completely follow your example, but meeting halfway wouldn't necessarily be terrible either. That is, he improves a bit, and you downgrade your expectations a bit.

Have you considered how things will be when you're married and both working? You'll likely both be saving for things to fund together. I could imagine big problems arising if you couldn't trust him to not raid those savings for purchases for himself, or other similar situations.

that's actually what I'm afraid of because I could see it happening. =/

 

[Velocity]

Have you talked about that with him? Communication is critical in a relationship - it's not necessarily a pleasant conversation topic to bring up (it can be taken as personal criticism all too easily) but that's something worth sorting out early.

 

[xanthines]

The sad fact of the matter is that divorce rates are pretty high in the U.S., so although it may seem like you're jinxing yourself you should prepare and protect yourself in case of a bad outcome. It's only prudent. Pre-nup, separate accounts, etc. Sad, but true.

I think you hit on an important distinction of financial responsibility vs trustworthiness. It's one thing if he's forgetful. It's something else entirely if he selfish/undisciplined enough to blow your collective savings (for house, car, baby, etc) on an Xbox, beer, blow, etc.

For the immediate future YOUR credit can only be hurt if you have a joint account. The rules are a bit less clear when you buy a house depending on the state laws. So if you don't trust him (money-wise, of course), definitely keep your financial stuff entirely separate.

Good luck!

-X

 

[THP]

There is so much more to marriage than love. I would not marry this person if I were you. If my wife were financially irresponsible I would never have married her. Heck if she wanted name-brand purses it have given me great pause.

 

[Danae00]

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[THP]

Everyone has their faults and some of them may be quite major. But to have a successful marriage you need to accept that this will always be an issue (never expect this to change) and PLAN around it. So what are you going to do to prevent this from ruining your marriage?

For me, financial responsibility is a big thing. I'm very careful with my finances and I have a ridiculously good credit rating. In fact, the most fiscially irresponsible thing I've ever done is planning to go back to school

So in order for me to marry someone who was poor with money I'd have to be in charge of all the joint finances. I would require a certain portion of his paycheck to automatically be deposited into (a) retirement savings and (b) into a "joint" account that he cannot withdraw from. This joint account is where his portion of the bills gets paid from and I would do this. All bills are now my responsibility. Anything left he can spend as he wants, no questions asked (regardless of how "irresponsible" I think his purchases are).

Oh, and I'd have a no credit card rule. Debit cards are wonderful!

You are your boyfriend might come to a different arrangement that works for both of you, but the important thing is that you come to some sort of an mutual agreement. That way you have nothing to argue about since you both know the "rules".

This will not work. A lazy slob who doesn't watch his money cannot be married to someone who meticulously tracks every cent and is very good about saving and not living beyond their means. You guys are not appreciating how long a marriage is intended to last.

 

[Danae00]

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[DrBowtie]

Considering most divorces (allegedly) are cause by money issues, I'd say no.
As noted before, a joint credit application is going to hurt your score.

I'd say unless he agreed to basically getting an allowance and you handling the majority of finances, I think major issues would occur upon melding lives.

 

[GoodmanBrown]

Credit cards > debit cards. Especially if you never carry a balance. Much more protection if your wallet is stolen. Lose your debit card and your account can be cleaned out.

This isn't necessarily true. Most debit cards have a limit of ~$300 in ATM withdraws (not that they even have your PIN for this.) and ~$850 or so per day in charges. So, providing you get the card canceled in a day or two, you'll only be out $1000 or so.

 

[GoodmanBrown]

You are your boyfriend might come to a different arrangement that works for both of you, but the important thing is that you come to some sort of an mutual agreement. That way you have nothing to argue about since you both know the "rules".

I really like this idea. I'm not sure the boyfriend would actually go for it, but it seems like a sensible way to ensure your finances are not dragged down by his. Basically you take the ability to be irresponsible out of his hands.

However, once you're married, there's no real way to prevent your husband from simply cancelling the direct deposit. I mean, it's his money coming from his paycheck, so while it's great to say you would "force" him to direct deposit a chunk of his paycheck into an account he can't access or into retirement accounts.

 

[Danae00]

Credit cards > debit cards. Especially if you never carry a balance. Much more protection if your wallet is stolen. Lose your debit card and your account can be cleaned out.

I agree that credit cards are much better than debit cards... in general. I personally put everything on my credit card. But I also have always paid it off in full. In fact, if I don't already have the cash in the bank to cover it I won't even put it on credit card. I'm anal like that.

But to someone who has difficulty controlling their spending a credit card is a very bad thing. Very very bad thing. I had a roommate who constantly kept asking to have his credit limit decreased because, regardless of the limit, he would max it out every month. So a $500 limit was all he could handle. He was livid when his CC company raised the limit to $2500 without telling him... took him months to pay it all off b/c of interest

So for anal control freaks: credit card == good
For spendaholics: credit card == bad

 

[Danae00]

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[MusicJunkie]

You bet. This type of arrangement only works if you trust each other and both have a genuine desire to stick to the rules. If your boyfriend is going to be resentful over the fact that he doesn't have full control over his finances, or he thinks you are forcing him to agree to such rules, then this is a bad idea. There is nothing to stop him from applying for credit cards, racking up a ton of debt, and stop contributing to any sort of joint account without your knowledge.

But if he is of the mindset that, "Yeah, I'm just plain bad with money. I wish I was better with money, but try as I might i know it just isn't going to happen. So I agree that it would be better if you just handled all of the financial stuff" then it should work just fine.

This is why there has to be a mutual agreement to how these "sticky situations" will be handled. One person cannot unilaterally decide. And if solution cannot be found that is satisfactory to both parties, or if you just don't believe that the other will keep up their end of the bargain, well, then maybe you might want to rethink being married....

yeah, that's a good point. I think I really need to sit down and tell him how I feel about the situation. I've explained how I feel to an extent, but money/credit can be a really sensitive issue for some people (him included).

 

[xanthines]

Remember to protect yourself. Don't be this guy:

http://ficoforums.myfico.com/fico/board/message?board.id=creditcard&thread.id=204235

Good luck!

-X

 

[sumstorm]

I would NOT marry anyone who is bringing a baggage load of preventable problems into the marriage. Whether you like it or not, once you are married, you may be held accountable for some of your partners misdeeds, depending on the state. even with prenups, depending on where you move, you may bear the brunt. And then, after marrying, any fiscally irresponsible thing he does can have consequences for you.

So, the allowance style may work...but ask yourself, do your really want to play mom to your spouse? Will he really want to be wed to and sleeping with someone acting like mom? will you eventually resent the additional responsibiltiy and potential conflict? will he resent the controlling and likely nagging? what happens if you are incapacitated and he HAS to step of to the plate? will he actuall have the skills (not even talking desire here, managing money is a skill one develops over time, along with habits that support financial stability or erode it.)

Do not involve yourself in a marriage if you feel there are things, right out the gate, that have to be fixed or bandaged. The key is finding a person with whom the shortcomings DON'T matter to you. This one matters and can have major consequences. My husband isn't social in his personal life, and it is a shortcoming, but one I could care less about, and one that doesn't affect me. Finances, chores, lifestyle, child rearing, religion, etc could all greatly impact your day to day life, and aren't worth being unhappy or controlling over.

 

[Eta Carinae]

So I've been with my boyfriend for quite some time, and we've decided that our relationship is headed towards marriage in the coming years.

However, my boyfriend is extremely financially irresponsible (doesn't pay bills on time, bad credit, etc), and even though we've talked about his situation several times, he doesn't do much to change it. I'm the complete opposite. I'm extremely careful with my money, and I've worked hard to build up a good credit score over the years. I guess my question is, would you marry someone that was absolutely perfect for you, even if they were financially irresponsible?

wait...

this is a trick question, right?

I mean, you're just kidding right?

 

[MusicJunkie]

wait...

this is a trick question, right?

I mean, you're just kidding right?

No, I'm not kidding. Maybe this kind of thing is a no-brainer for some people, but I think it's a fair question. We've had a variety of answers from different people, so it's clearly not black and white.

 

[MusicJunkie]

I would NOT marry anyone who is bringing a baggage load of preventable problems into the marriage. Whether you like it or not, once you are married, you may be held accountable for some of your partners misdeeds, depending on the state. even with prenups, depending on where you move, you may bear the brunt. And then, after marrying, any fiscally irresponsible thing he does can have consequences for you.

So, the allowance style may work...but ask yourself, do your really want to play mom to your spouse? Will he really want to be wed to and sleeping with someone acting like mom? will you eventually resent the additional responsibiltiy and potential conflict? will he resent the controlling and likely nagging? what happens if you are incapacitated and he HAS to step of to the plate? will he actuall have the skills (not even talking desire here, managing money is a skill one develops over time, along with habits that support financial stability or erode it.)

Do not involve yourself in a marriage if you feel there are things, right out the gate, that have to be fixed or bandaged. The key is finding a person with whom the shortcomings DON'T matter to you. This one matters and can have major consequences. My husband isn't social in his personal life, and it is a shortcoming, but one I could care less about, and one that doesn't affect me. Finances, chores, lifestyle, child rearing, religion, etc could all greatly impact your day to day life, and aren't worth being unhappy or controlling over.

well said! I definitely see your points. I'm still fairly young and quite honestly, I'm not ready for marriage yet. Since he bought up the topic of marriage though, I started thinking and this issue came to mind. I definitely think I'm going to take it slow. If in the end I'm uncomfortable with the situation, then I won't do it. Thanks for all the advice guys. :]

 

[sumstorm]

hmmm....I would almost like to see a survey of who is and isn't married, and for how long. I wonder how that affects folks views. I am a remarried widower. my husband and I have lived together for 5 years, married 3. I am 10 years out of undergrad, and my perspective comes from personal experience, witnessing the experiences of others, and having a fascination with couples with life long marriages and with Gottman's research.

 

[THP]

I would NOT marry anyone who is bringing a baggage load of preventable problems into the marriage. Whether you like it or not, once you are married, you may be held accountable for some of your partners misdeeds, depending on the state. even with prenups, depending on where you move, you may bear the brunt. And then, after marrying, any fiscally irresponsible thing he does can have consequences for you.

So, the allowance style may work...but ask yourself, do your really want to play mom to your spouse? Will he really want to be wed to and sleeping with someone acting like mom? will you eventually resent the additional responsibiltiy and potential conflict? will he resent the controlling and likely nagging? what happens if you are incapacitated and he HAS to step of to the plate? will he actuall have the skills (not even talking desire here, managing money is a skill one develops over time, along with habits that support financial stability or erode it.)

Do not involve yourself in a marriage if you feel there are things, right out the gate, that have to be fixed or bandaged. The key is finding a person with whom the shortcomings DON'T matter to you. This one matters and can have major consequences. My husband isn't social in his personal life, and it is a shortcoming, but one I could care less about, and one that doesn't affect me. Finances, chores, lifestyle, child rearing, religion, etc could all greatly impact your day to day life, and aren't worth being unhappy or controlling over.

This is exactly right. To answer your other question, I have been married almost 9 years and I have 3 children.

 

[xanthines]

While I'm sure people's backgrounds and histories affect opinions, I'm less sure that it necessarily makes them more or less valid.

For the curious, I've never been married but have lived long enough with my SO to be in a common law marriage, if that thing existed in my state anymore.

-X

 

[sumstorm]

While I'm sure people's backgrounds and histories affect opinions, I'm less sure that it necessarily makes them more or less valid.

For the curious, I've never been married but have lived long enough with my SO to be in a common law marriage, if that thing existed in my state anymore.

-X

Never said they make it more/less valid...however, I would say people who have maintained long term relationships that have survived major stressors have found there are some key features that help marriages....and if the argumens that there aren't key featurs, the body of research Gottman has conducted indicates several as well.

My husband and I married for legal reasons, but it did affect our perspectives; when lawyers can come aftrer you for what your SO does, it affects the mutual decision making on an additional level.

 

[livvie]

Someone mentioned divorce rates - if you're under 25, I would suggest waiting a few more years before considering marriage. The divorce rate is actually closer to 70-80% for people under 25. That's just because people change a lot in their 20s and what they want or think they want changes.

 

[kitsune248]

Such a difficult question to answer really. The answer may be clear to some but if you really love that other person it depends on where you are in the relationship too. I think its unfair to assume that if someone comes with baggage you shouldn't become serious (Ex: debt which could be in the form of loans) Because if that were the case then many of us here would be guilty because as prefessional and pre-professional students we come with a hefty bills owed to school. While many of us are financially responsible and will have no issues paying it back some people could concider this "baggage". When I get out of school I will owe a lot more money in loans then my boyfriend(of 6yrs) who went to school to be an auto mechanic. Even though I may make more money I feel like I'm a financial responsibilty to him after and even during school. However we have an "in it together for the long haul" attitude and while we are both very financially responsible its not much of an issue. While this isn't the same as an unresponsible spender I just think its unfair to say you wouldn't be with someone who has financial "baggage" because its sort of hypocritical.

Now for the point at hand. The pharmacist I work with makes a decent amount of money and is married with 3 children. She is in EXACTLY this predicament and I'm going to have to say if your bf doesn't show signs of change before you decide to get married I'd have to recommend against it because I see the stress and unhappiness it brings her because her husband is essentially a spoil 13yr old who stomps and whines till he can buy what he wants! (no joke he does just this!) He IS LAZY and spends thier money unecessarily when they are 2 months behind on thier mortgage!!! Thats completely unacceptable when its your responsibilty to put a roof over your childrens heads. It really just depends on your significant other, if he shows signs of being able to grow up. . . because sometimes people just aren't educated about thier finances well and need guidance, then I'd say go for it. some people are just irresponsible financially and they can't change and then I would say absolutely not because money is a big part of a relationship as much as we hate to admit that!

 

[sumstorm]

While this isn't the same as an unresponsible spender I just think its unfair to say you wouldn't be with someone who has financial "baggage" because its sort of hypocritical.

I said baggage, but I never suggested debt = baggage.

I said baggage = preventable problems. IE, marrying somone with educational debt & sold work ethic may be reasonable. marrying someone who puts luxuries on credit cards while accumulating student debt resulting in high credit debt + educational debt isn't reasonable in my mind especially if one expects marriage to change that tendency.

 

[smileyangel11]

My situation is the opposite, I am the financial dummy in the relationship.

This is what I did to avoid putting $$$ strains on the relationship. Figure out what is the est. household expense and contribute a predefined % of my income to the joint checking acct. This money goes toward our mutual expenses such as rent/grocery/utility/vacation/etc.

What money I have left is free for me to spend. I am individually responsible for my student loans/credit cards/cell phone/gas/etc.

The thing is...you got to remember is that people can change. I was financially unsavvy in my early 20s when I got married. My husband (<10 yrs older than me) had a nest egg close to 7 figures then, and I got a net worth like few hundred $. It took a # of years before I learned how to manage money. Meanwhile, my husband never give me any money, but he was patient waiting for me to grow up.

With that said, you decide the possibility if ur bf will change for the future. If he is a responsible person in life, but w/o a brain when it comes to money, give him a chance. If he is IRRESPONSIBLE in many aspects of life including money, then he probably isn't your match. I hate to say this, but money can ruin marriages.

 

[lovemesomeTJ]

So I've been with my boyfriend for quite some time, and we've decided that our relationship is headed towards marriage in the coming years.

However, my boyfriend is extremely financially irresponsible (doesn't pay bills on time, bad credit, etc), and even though we've talked about his situation several times, he doesn't do much to change it. I'm the complete opposite. I'm extremely careful with my money, and I've worked hard to build up a good credit score over the years. I guess my question is, would you marry someone that was absolutely perfect for you, even if they were financially irresponsible?

I could, but he'd have to realize that we aren't joining accounts and he's not paying the bills, because he's not getting his checks. Those would have to come straight to me, so that I can pay all of the bills. I'll give him a nice allowance, though.

 

[lovemesomeTJ]

The problem I see is, what if you have children and something happens to you? I don't want to worry about that and definitely not subject my children to the consequences that will follow. ie. losing the house

Maybe it's idealistic, but I plan to marry someone who has grown up and can take care of herself.

Fair enough. I didn't factor in kids because I don't want kids. But yes, for those of you who want kids, this is something to think about.

As for me, if I die, then I won't be around to hound him about funds so he can squander all he wants. Hopefully he'll grow up by then but hey, there are a lot of people living paycheck to paycheck. They make it work.

 

[kami333]

The problem I see is, what if you have children and something happens to you? I don't want to worry about that and definitely not subject my children to the consequences that will follow. ie. losing the house

You can use trusts and custodians, similar to what some do when they get remarried.