wits end

[bedsty]

Forgive me in advance for simply venting, but, I really don't know what else to do. As many of you "others" can attest, you have a significantly smaller pool from which to draw sympathetic ears.

Anyway, nearly through the first year, and the year has largely gone poorly. My wife and I have grown increasingly apart. She spends almost all free time on campus studying for exams. We spend so much time apart I almost find it irritating when we do have a moment together. Odd, no?

Anyway, she's developed this new line, and I don't really know where this is coming from, but evidently, I should quit my job and pursue some kind of advanced degree, such that I will be able to be "professionally and intellectually on her level." Seriously? Has anyone else had their significant other come home and say that sort of thing to you?

Is it not enough that I work to pay all the bills, sit in traffic for two hours everyday so we can have a place close to her campus, clean everything, cook every day, pack lunch, so the only thing she has to focus on is her studies? Now I am being told straight up that I either go for something beyond my miniscule BA in order to be an appropriate match, or the marriage will be over.

Upon hearing that, I was sorely tempted to tell her to split and head off with another med student. Someone please tell me this is an atypical attitude, and that this arrogance will eventually subside...

Thanks.

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[nlax30]

Tough situation and I do agree in that she is being very unreasonable..... assuming of course your side presented here is accurate.

It's possible she's just taking it out on you because she may feel like you have it "easy" while she is stuck studying all the time. It can be easy for us to focus on our own workload and stress and not see all the other things that a spouse does for us, which really goes for ANY situation, not just one like yours.

Have you mentioned previously that you may want to pursue a higher degree in the future or was this just out of the blue? I could see where if it was something you had considered before but are just now comfortable working that it could be her way of trying to push you back toward a dream you had, but if just out of the blue or out of spite then she needs to wake up and develop some perspective.

Have ya'll considered some sort of counseling as a couple?

 

[bedsty]

Probably around a year ago, when I was still playing catch up and finishing my BA, I had mentioned the possibility of applying to PhD programs, since I had several professors pushing me along trying to encourage me to give it a go. My wife and I had discussed this, and she was pretty adamant that I get a job and support us while she was in med school. So that's what happened.

This latest thing was pretty much out of the blue. For one, its law school, which I have not expressed a wealth of interest in pursuing. Granted, since I was 7, that's what everyone had me pegged doing, but I have never considered or suggested it.

She's flatly said she wants me to do it so we can be the "power couple" and that I would need to match her for that to be the case. If I don't, our marriage is in deep, deep trouble.

 

[nlax30]

Is she on the young side? (early 20's?)

Have you gently reminded her about her previous desire to have you work to help support ya'll during her schooling? I could see some sort of lack of maturity on her part helping her get caught up in this idea of what she wants ya'll to be like.

I don't know, as is usually the case I'm willing to bet there's a deeper issue here that needs to be addressed..... whether she has some maturity issues, bitterness at you for having a seemingly "easy" life at the moment, underlying bitterness from something else, lack of good communication between you two, etc....

I just don't see this in and of itself all of sudden exploding into as big of an issue as you present it without there being some other problem that's been brewing.

 

[bedsty]

She on the other end of the 20's spectrum. I have gently reminded her what she wanted from me last year, and her response was "well, I changed my mind, as long as its law school." Seriously.

If there were some underlying thing that I could figure out, believe me, I would not be as frustrated as I am. She came back from some conference and out of nowhere I was nowhere near good enough. I suddenly was fat (I'm not, though I've added a few pounds), bald (not yet, but genetics is screwing me), and did not have a glamourous enough career (It isn't, but one of us needs to pay the bills and continue to exist loan free.)

I agree there has got to be something deeper, but I can't figure it out. Heck, I've asked several times for her to just be straight up with me as to what's going on and this is all I'm getting.

 

[smq123]

She's flatly said she wants me to do it so we can be the "power couple" and that I would need to match her for that to be the case. If I don't, our marriage is in deep, deep trouble.

Uhh....??!!

That's unacceptable. So your only use to her is basically so that she can show you off to company?

If there were some underlying thing that I could figure out, believe me, I would not be as frustrated as I am. She came back from some conference and out of nowhere I was nowhere near good enough. I suddenly was fat (I'm not, though I've added a few pounds), bald (not yet, but genetics is screwing me), and did not have a glamourous enough career (It isn't, but one of us needs to pay the bills and continue to exist loan free.)

I agree there has got to be something deeper, but I can't figure it out. Heck, I've asked several times for her to just be straight up with me as to what's going on and this is all I'm getting.

Life's too short for this kind of crap. If she doesn't shape up in a couple of weeks, I think it's time for two ultimatums:

1) She needs to figure out her underlying issue and how to deal with these issues in the future without personally attacking you and trying to make you feel inadequate, and

2) She needs to decide if she wants a supportive life partner or a trophy husband (basically).

She's in med school now. It's time for her to grow up and learn how to deal with her issues in an adult manner. These passive-aggressive attacks are ridiculous, and you shouldn't have to put up with them.

 

[Dimoak]

OP, sorry to hear about your frustrating situation. You said that you guys have been married for almost a year now; has such behavior been consistently exhibited throughout your marriage, or did it just pop up out of nowhere after her conference (and if so, how long ago was the conference?). If the latter, your situation may just be a manifestation of her academic stress, potentially coupled with seeing various "high powered couples" at the conference (there are almost inevitably such couples at conferences where the physicians' spouses are other physicians, lawyers, pharmacists, corporate executives, bankers, professors of some sort, etc.) so this could just be temporary. Does she come from a wealthy family or have a trust fund? Would you as a couple have money if you were both to become full-time students without taking out massive cost-of-living loans?

Anyway, I agree with what others in this thread have said in that you should probably have a serious sit-down discussion to evaluate your situation and help her appreciate your own sacrifices to facilitate her pursuit of what she wants to do. If she still cannot or refuses to grasp this, it may be prudent to consider further action, as you still need to look out for your own wellbeing and happiness as well.

 

[xanthines]

While people have given good advice, I'd start preparing for the worst. I've seen a few couples (several engaged ) break up over this kind of thing. I wouldn't say it's common, but I can't really say it's rare either.

There's a This American Life episode titled something like "Somewhere out there" where one of the correspondents uses science to calculate the probability of finding a mate while in grad school for physics at Harvard. After getting dismal results, a female faculty member comes and the requirements are kind of staggering: The guys needs to be smarter than her (a Harvard physicist!), taller than her (apparently she's pretty tall), in addition to being relatively fit, healthy, employed etc etc.

What struck me was the need for this woman to have someone "better" than her in some perceived way. Maybe that's a common thing and perhaps you're experiencing the unpleasant end of this business? Any other ladies want to chime in?

-X

 

[bedsty]

OP, sorry to hear about your frustrating situation. You said that you guys have been married for almost a year now; has such behavior been consistently exhibited throughout your marriage, or did it just pop up out of nowhere after her conference (and if so, how long ago was the conference?). If the latter, your situation may just be a manifestation of her academic stress, potentially coupled with seeing various "high powered couples" at the conference (there are almost inevitably such couples at conferences where the physicians' spouses are other physicians, lawyers, pharmacists, corporate executives, bankers, professors of some sort, etc.) so this could just be temporary. Does she come from a wealthy family or have a trust fund? Would you as a couple have money if you were both to become full-time students without taking out massive cost-of-living loans?

Anyway, I agree with what others in this thread have said in that you should probably have a serious sit-down discussion to evaluate your situation and help her appreciate your own sacrifices to facilitate her pursuit of what she wants to do. If she still cannot or refuses to grasp this, it may be prudent to consider further action, as you still need to look out for your own wellbeing and happiness as well.

We've been married quite a bit longer, I was, how shall I put it, and academic late bloomer? She's always been a little erratic, it's just a matter of degree. We've now gone well beyond what I was accustomed to. The physical part is new, only since the end of March. She does not come from a wealthy family, but a well educated one. I think almost without exception everyone has at least a BS. Oddly, my family has a bit more money, but no interest in footing a graduate degree.

I've tried having the talk about what I'm doing, trying to pay attention to the fact that she helped me before, but it never seems to get anywhere and the conversation just goes completely sideways.

 

[pillowhead]

What struck me was the need for this woman to have someone "better" than her in some perceived way. Maybe that's a common thing and perhaps you're experiencing the unpleasant end of this business? Any other ladies want to chime in?

-X

I think a good number of women feel that way and it's just silly IMO. I guess I'm some what in between in that my husband has a PhD but will never earn anywhere near what I do. But so what? Who cares? I mean, the titles are just that....titles. I wouldn't dream of introducing the two of us as "The Drs. So and So" just to sound like a power couple. (My family enjoys addressing stuff like that to us though. They get a kick out of it.) I am glad my husband has a much more relaxing schedule as than me even if he will earn less. I mean, why would you want both people in a relationship to be totally career driven and stressed all the time? And how much money can one couple need? Even if you don't earn as much as your wife in the future, so what?

Her reasoning (or lack thereof) smacks of immaturity and rather poor values and just plain old meanness. We all get a little heavier/wrinklier/balder/grayer as we age a little, even in our late 20s. When she's in the midst of residency, I'm sure she won't want to be reminded of that!

 

[RemiJP]

I am a woman currently pursuing a Ph.D. and I can say with certainty that if my longterm boyfriend ends up becoming a baker, a musician, a book reviewer, a day trader, a stay at home dad for our dog - I don't care, as long as he is happy. (All of these things my BF has considered doing while wrestling with the idea of dropping out of his Ph.D. program.) His enjoyment of life and work is most important to me. I KNOW we are matched intellectually, so he doesn't need to prove that to me with an advanced degree. I just want us to have a healthy partnership and for our lives to be better because we are together. And if he has time to cook me dinner - AWESOME!

But from what you described, I'm sorry to say, but it sounds like your wife if trying to push you away from her by bringing up this "power couple" thing, when you clearly had discussions of what your personal plans are. That said, because she is busy (not that it's an excuse) she just many not SEE all that you are doing for her. Remind her of what you do. I agree, a serious discussion is in order. This could all be stress, but you deserve to find out what's behind her statements.

 

[Dimoak]

We've been married quite a bit longer, I was, how shall I put it, and academic late bloomer? She's always been a little erratic, it's just a matter of degree. We've now gone well beyond what I was accustomed to. The physical part is new, only since the end of March. She does not come from a wealthy family, but a well educated one. I think almost without exception everyone has at least a BS. Oddly, my family has a bit more money, but no interest in footing a graduate degree.

I've tried having the talk about what I'm doing, trying to pay attention to the fact that she helped me before, but it never seems to get anywhere and the conversation just goes completely sideways.

Well in my opinion (and I'm certainly no expert on relationships), someone pushing their partner into a career that they don't necessarily want (beyond something along the lines of "I think you'd be great at it! You should give it a go!") is somewhat troubling. It's acceptable for a partner to occassionally nudge or suggest things, but when they threaten the entire relationship based on this, it really demonstrates a very selfish position not conducive to a healthy relationship in the long run. If we she doesn't change this pattern of behavior, I think it may be reasonable for you to begin considering (you seem to be to some extent already) whether you two are truly right for one another. If she's this way now, how will she behave in a few years when she's spending 80+ hours a week with some of the people who have the "characteristics" she seems to emphasize so heavily?

 

[Mr hawkings]

OP, i hate to say this but this may be the begining of the end of your marriage.
You guys should get counseling ASAP if you want to save it. If she is feeling this way as a med student imagine how much worse its going to be when shes under much more stress as a resident with people's lives in her hands on a daily basis, not to mention the gruelling schedule.

The whole "power couple" comment bothers me a little but i think that can be overcome. Your real issue here is the 2 of you percieveing each other as being at different stations in life and not being intellectually equal. If you dont see yourself as inferior and are not threatened by her high level of education, she should not be trying to make you feel that way.

If you dont fix that Right now with councelling, you'll be getting divorced by the time shes finishing residency. You will eventually get tired of being told you have it easy.

Dont try to do it on your own. You'll just end up arguing constantly. Get some professional help

 

[Mr hawkings]

If she's this way now, how will she behave in a few years when she's spending 80+ hours a week with some of the people who have the "characteristics" she seems to emphasize so heavily?

Word.

 

[mtDNA]

Forgive me in advance for simply venting, but, I really don't know what else to do. As many of you "others" can attest, you have a significantly smaller pool from which to draw sympathetic ears.

Anyway, nearly through the first year, and the year has largely gone poorly. My wife and I have grown increasingly apart. She spends almost all free time on campus studying for exams. We spend so much time apart I almost find it irritating when we do have a moment together. Odd, no?

Anyway, she's developed this new line, and I don't really know where this is coming from, but evidently, I should quit my job and pursue some kind of advanced degree, such that I will be able to be "professionally and intellectually on her level." Seriously? Has anyone else had their significant other come home and say that sort of thing to you?

Is it not enough that I work to pay all the bills, sit in traffic for two hours everyday so we can have a place close to her campus, clean everything, cook every day, pack lunch, so the only thing she has to focus on is her studies? Now I am being told straight up that I either go for something beyond my miniscule BA in order to be an appropriate match, or the marriage will be over.

Upon hearing that, I was sorely tempted to tell her to split and head off with another med student. Someone please tell me this is an atypical attitude, and that this arrogance will eventually subside...

Thanks.

Your wife is a 1st year and she is already giving you this crap? dang, that is a bad sign...
I think you are too good for her quite honestly, especially if you do all of this. Shoot, I am a straight man, but if you do all of the cooking, cleaning, and you pay the bills....I think I could be into you...seriously.
No, honestly, if things are what you have said they are, then your wife is a terrible person, and you are a saint. Like I said earlier in the post, she is not good enough for you.

 

[femmes07]

It's better to have a partner who'll support you all the way than a dependent who speaks nothing but herself to be as someone who's on the stronger side of the relationship...Honestly, it turns me on when I know a smart guy and a tough one to add,but my man's not, yet I've learned so many things from him... Though I wished to have someone better, I think what counts now is my love for him. It depends also, I have tried many times to have a relationship with someone with great IQ. Everything turned out to be a mess, full of arguments and conflicts since we are both tough, but I guess it's being immature to fight on small things... I think it's a matter of love and respect...

 

[lildave2586]

Your wife is a 1st year and she is already giving you this crap? dang, that is a bad sign...

First year isn't that hard. She should be able to do her fair share of work at home and still be able to have plenty of time to study. My wife is a teacher, and I promise you her job is a lot more stressful than the stresses of a first year med student. We split the house-work about 50/50, get our jobs done, and still have time for each other.

 

[Samoa]

She sounds a lot like a guy I knew in med school. Prior to med school he'd been happily married to a woman who was very attractive and accomplished, but who was also a foreigner and lacking the credentials to do much besides teach K-12 in the U.S. Then over the course of the pre-clinical years, they grew apart. The reasons were multifactorial: she was lonely and needy and had little in common with any of his new associates, he spent all his time up on campus studying, and not least, he had become attracted to a classmate (although it was unilateral, and the classmate seemed not to know).

Around the beginning of second year, he started feeling like she wasn't his intellectual equal, because she wasn't comfortable hanging around his medical friends or their significant others. And he wanted someone who could.

Then she wanted a child, and he didn't want to have to support a family on student loans or a resident salary. She was in her late 30's and didn't want to wait. And so he began to second guess the whole marriage, long-term, and began talking about possibly ending the marriage and finding someone younger and more independent.

They split up at the beginning of third year, and were divorced by the time he graduated.

The sad thing is, she's a wonderful person, and I don't think he'll find another woman like her. I'm sure he'll find plenty of gold-diggers, though.