What to do with parents who tell everyone your info?

[Biryani]

4 years ago, when I started my college studies, I went to a new years party with my parents. At the party, there was this woman who's daughter was in my same age-grade; my peer. Anyway, the woman began a conversation with me that began nice enough, but then she started cutting me up very subtly, about how her daughter's classes in Harvard were so hard and how I couldnt' possibly understand since i go to a state college.

The conversation stuck with me...and I went through all four years of college thinking I was worthless. I knew my reasoning was flawed, and that it was all just some malevolent words from someone really peripheral and unimportant in my life...but I couldn't help it.

Anyway, the woman is friends with my mother. My mother was having dinner with her, and the woman asked my mother about me. My mom told her I was finishing college, and then the woman pressed the issue and my mom told her I was applying to medical school. Long story short, the woman ended up bullying my mom into revealing my stats--MCAT, GPA, etc. Meanwhile the woman remains close-mouthed about her daughter--saying that she was going to take a semester off or something (despite oringinally being gung-ho about medicine).

I feel like my whole community just judges me based on grades and my alma matter. So many people who aren't my well wishers want to know my stats--and it makes me feel like i'm not a person. I wish my parents weren't so open, its not really their information to divulge. Why should someone who doesn't have any warm feeling towards me know my mcat score and GPA? Nothing good can come out of it.

I don't know who said it on SDN, but it was really apt. One thing that spreads around fast in south-asian communiies is who had sex with whom and mcat scores. I don't think my mom meant any harm--but some people just shouldn't know my stats. Certainly not people who look down on me for not going to Harvard.

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[4 Ever]

Well the south asian community is just like that... the genes for gossip and cheapness are everywhere.

there is no real way to deal with the parents... some take offense if you tell them not to reveal your scores. I'm not sure if my parents have told my scores and everything to everyone but regardless, when i was accepted, they spread the news like crazy. in a way theyre proud but the desi community just needs to stay out of other people's business... its always a big competition - one i dont care for. all you can do is try to develop a thick skin for it and put it out of ur mind. desi parents will always be desi parents

 

[nutmegs]

Sounds like you just need a conversation with your mom. Let her know exactly what this stuff means to you, and how important is that she respect your privacy. My mom loves to tell everyone and anyone about what I'm doing, and it gets old- fast. I finally convinced her that while she might be proud, it's something I'll tell people myself if and when I want to. And she's been good about respecting that, for the most part.

 

[OnMyWayThere]

Same here... they understand if we tell them HOW MUCH WE HATE IT! Seriously though, if you tell her you want everyone to know AFTER you get accepted to stop the b.s. talking, then she will respect your request, I am sure.

 

[Neuronix]

Hello fellow Blue Hen!

I used to get the same stupid crap because I went to the University of Delaware for undergrad. "Oh, UDel has a pre-med program?" or "You can go to med school from there?" Yeah... Everyone I know who said things like that or whose parents were like this ended up getting into a lower-tier medical school or not getting in at all. Yeah, maybe I can't understand what it's like at Princeton or Harvard or Yale or wherever, but when I ended up with a higher score on the MCAT than these snooty people, what did that say?

I just gotta agree with the other posters in this thread... Ya gotta ignore people like this. Yeah so they know your numbers and your undergrad. I hope they're great and you get in somewhere awesome!

 

[peterockduke]

Hell, I don't know maybe you could not tell your parents your gpa and test scores, that shouldn't be important to them anyway. It seriously is a lot easier than trying to get your mom to not brag about you to silence some blowhard.

Or maybe if everyone and their sister in your community weren't going into medicine something like the MCAT would be totally meaningless and they could get back to gossiping about how you sleep around.

just be glad they care

 

[vmiskin]

While I realize that there's obviously something nutty about the south asian community that makes it go crazy about medicine, at a certain point, it doesn't really matter - talk to your mom to make sure she knows about your perception of the whole process - but as was said before, if some craven mother is attempting to inflate her own ego or trying to put you down, just recognize her for her insecurity. The best way to deal with aggressive, competitive parents is to show some spunk and not let them walk over you. Once they recognize that you're willing to back yourself up, they tend to get a little afraid. Don't let them walk over you.

 

[xxdczz]

done

 

[CalBeE]

Ok so I goto UCLA, which is a good school, and my sister goes to Carnegie Mellon.

So there was this one person that my family just met and he found out where my sister and I go to school, and he was like, oh Carnegie Mellon is soo much better than UCLA, and somewhat implying that my sister was smarter than me.

OK so I don't care who's smarter b/c we're just different...but that's just sooo superficial.

Oh btw, he's South-east Asian, so not a surprise huh?

 

[xxdczz]

Done

 

[CalBeE]

Originally posted by xxdczz
although south-east asians tend to always brag about and compare their kids I've never heard of some one making such an insensitive comment (or at the very least noticing a trend with southeast asians). sounds like the more relevant issue here is the fact that he's an insensitive prick rather then a south-east asian. i can't believe someone would have say something like that. UCLA is a damn good school and so is carnegie mellon and that is all he should have said. What did you say when the guy said that?

I think it was something like, Carnegie Mellon is strong in engineering, but UCLA is strong in Biological science and I'm a bio major...I dont' remember, it was years ago. But seriously, comments like that are quite common in my culture.

 

[R_C_Hutchinson]

i can commiserate. my mom always compares me to this other kid because his dad teaches at the same elementary school she does. he started off the golden child of our little mountain community and his dad made sure my mom knew it. now that im doing well (i was very much a wild child back in the day) she takes every opportunity she can to make him stew in his juices. thats why i only talk to my dad about grades and mcats- sure it leaks out to her, but i think she's starting to get the hint.

oh yeah, and UCLA is a killer school- dont forget to take advantage of all the partying as well as the bio opportunities there are in westwood
GO BRUINS!

 

[Supadupafly]

Just when you thought you had an avatar that nobody else could possibly want...

 

[ATPase]

I can't weigh in on the South Asian community, but I remember back when I was a freshman in college, a really annoying parent of a friend of mine (from a much more affluent background; I grew up in a single-parent home) struck up a conversation about how it must be difficult to make the transition to college since I had gone to a public school (since his kids went to the best private school in L.A.). He talked about how I must be so underprepared and probably wouldn't make very good grades my first year in college until I got used to the academics (too bad I couldn't go back and show this jerk my college grades, including that first semester!) . It really pi$$ed me off at the time. Since then, I've realized that there will always be people who look down on you for whatever reason, your background, whatever. People who feel the need to pump themselves up by taking stabs at your supposedly inferior background aren't really worth getting worked up over. How happy can their lives be if they have to validate themselves by cutting other people down? Unfortunately, these people exist, so you just have to steer clear of them and try not to let it bother you, as difficult as that may be.

 

[Amy B]

Perhaps someone here can learn from your troubling story and learn there are some things we should keep to ourselves, like our GPA and MCAt even from our parents.

As to that other women, she is obviously an empty shell inside and needs to hear about other people because her life is so empty. Pity her and ignore the gossip, it sounds like her daughter is a dud.

I would talk to your mom and tell her how you are feeling about this and ask her to keep things like this in the family only. Tell her it hurts your feelinsg and see what she says. Maybe she isn't aware of how it makes you feel.

 

[Goober]

I know this chick from college whose whole goal in life was to go to med school so she could please her parents and showoff to the Southeast Asian community about her status. She told everybody and anybody "I am going to be a doctor". Unfortunately for her she was as dumb as a box of rocks and failed to make it into med school. Although I have to give her credit for trying over and over again with a 2.5 gpa and a 19 mcat.

Now here mom is so embarrassed about her and call her the black sheep. She keeps telling her to try to get in when its pretty obvious it ain't happening. Kind of sad really.

 

[ndi_amaka]

i know its probably too late to use this advice...but I just stopped telling my parents my numbers....I got sick of people knowing my bsiness. ALl y parents know is my GPA and the schools I'm interviewing at. I didnt tell them my MCAT score or much else. I know telling ppl is their way of bragging and showing me they are proud but when random people know you are coming to town for an interview....things have to stop.

 

[musiclink213]

my grandparents do more of the same thing. although we;re not south east asian, not even asian, they love to brag about how i'm already a doctor (i'm only a soph in undergrad!), how my GPA is so incredibly high, that i'm at the top of my honor's class, my SAT was 1740, and more of stuff like that. the funny part is, that the people they tell it to believe it because they don't know any better. when i tell my grandparents, no, i'm not a doctor, just pre med, they say, oh, it's the same thing. when i say it's impossible to get a 1740 SAT score, tehy say to me, well, if it was possible, you'd have gotten it. it's actually kinda funny, but i can understand how it gets annoying, especially if someone is constantly saying it's not good enough, or saying their kid is smarter.

but cheer up, since the other person's kid is taking a semester off, it could be just an excuse that the parent is using because her daughter got kicked out of college. i know someone who said the same thing to me when i said i haven't seen them on campus. she said she was taking a semester off, i later found out through a mutual friend that she got kicked out of school for not keeping up with the grades she needed.

 

[Lorae]

Explain to you mother what a "gunner" is .... and that even gunners have mothers

 

[greggth]

Originally posted by vmiskin
The best way to deal with aggressive, competitive parents is to show some spunk and not let them walk over you. Once they recognize that you're willing to back yourself up, they tend to get a little afraid. Don't let them walk over you.

Just out of curiosity-- how can you "show some spunk" and "not let them walk all over you"? Get a gun?

Just kidding . But really, how can a person be assertive with their parents, especially if the parents are paying for college? If I get too assertive with my mother, her feelings get hurt and then I feel lousy.

 

[smartreader]

My parents don't have a clue what a GPA is. I never get questioned beyond " How is school comming along?". When I was studying for the MCATs, my parents had a vague idea of what it was. When I got my MCAT results, the only info I told my parents was that I passed (30). I knew they didn't understand the grading scale so I just simplified the whole thing. I think that, in part, my parents are a "little" ignorant when it comes to academics. After reading all these posts, I'm a little shocked that my mom and dad are so indifferent about my stats. I'm half way through my undergrad and they still haven't bothered to look at my transcript. Maybe that's a good thing. Although I am sure that you guys must feel good that your parents try to raise you on a golden pedestal. It's the thought that counts right?

 

[Buck Strong]

Solution, don't tell them everything...We have a pretty good understanding, I tell them what I want to, but they don't pry. What I do tell them, they're free to tell whoever they want to until they're blue in the face. They didn't know my undergrad GPA, until after I got in med school and told them. They didn't know where i was applying to med school or where I was going to end up going until after I decided, and the check was already in the mail. They don't have any clue as to what my grades in med school are. Recently, I've been busy with med school, and don't see or talk to them much at all, so i prefer to talk about things other than school, it makes us all happier that way. Just remember, at this point, you're working towards something for you and you alone, you don't have to tell them all the details