What are your self-improvement projects?

[brotherbloat]

Hello,

As a medical spouse, I've realized that it helps neuralize the lonliness if I start taking on some self-improvement projects.

I have some ideas for myself, but I wondered what other people's personal self-improvement projects may be, for inspiration.

How has self-improvement helped you with your lonliness/ when your med spouse is on-call? Because I really need some set activities to take my mind off things when my husband's not around.

Here are some of mine for the short-term:

1. I'm vegan, so I want to learn more vegan recipes/ look at more vegan cookbooks
2. Take a class this summer on classical music appreciation, offered by a local music school
3. Learn more about time management and try to implement this better
4. Volunteer at a new health orgnization

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[tlew12778]

Wow, you've given this a lot of thought! I don't think about self-improvement that much -- well not due to the fact that I am a med-widow so to speak.

Let's see, my FH is vegan so I do spend quite a bit of time looking up recipes he can eat and that I will also enjoy. I cook all our meals from scratch so that takes a bit of time.

I go to the gym A LOT. Probably 3-4 times a week for 1-2 hrs each time.

I clean... it's so cliche, but someone's got to do it and he doesn't help really so when I have the time (I work 9-6), I clean up after the two of us and our two cats.

Lately I've been container gardening (we live in the city) on our balcony. I find that enjoyable.

I read a lot.

I would like to take a course in digital photography but haven't gotten around to it. I would also like to learn another language but haven't gotten around to that either. My main problem with classes is getting them to fit into my work/gym schedule.

I am thinking about doing another degree... dunno why though... just for the intellectual stimulation I guess. I plan to keep working FT even if I go get another degree.

 

[brotherbloat]

bump

 

[brotherbloat]

anyone else?

 

[Skip Intro]

How has self-improvement helped you with your lonliness/ when your med spouse is on-call? Because I really need some set activities to take my mind off things when my husband's not around.

BB, how often is your husband on call? Is it Q3? I'm trying to understand what the root of this "lonliness" you are feeling is? Is it just not having him there? Is it that you fear that he won't be coming home? Do you just "miss" him when he's not there?

I sympathize with your plight, but I think that you've gotten yourself into a situation (i.e., married to a doctor) that's not going to get better with time. I'm sure you know all of this, but I think it would be better if you talked to a mental health professional about learning some coping skills and how to become more confident and secure on your own. If it is a matter of just feeling depressed or lonely when you climb into the bed by yourself on the nights he's not there, perhaps someone can help you figure out why. Do you have abandonment issues? Do you have an attachment disorder? Why do you feel lonely and depressed, especially when you know that he will be home the next day or night? This is what you need to understand and bring into a conscious level within your own mind.

These are the issues I think you should focus on. Don't focus on trying to distract yourself and come up with "hobbies" that will get your mind off of him not being there. These may be prove only to be quick fixes that will not work in the long run.

Instead, I think you should deal with this loneliness/abandonment issues head on. And, unfortunately, the only way you can deal with this is by talking to someone who's a qualified professional. I know you feel lonely, but if you get some coping skills that will help you improve your self-confidence and knowing how to deal with the boredom you perceive, perhaps you'll have a better time dealing with the times that his professional duties require him to be away from you.

Sorry, but part of "the deal" of being married to a doctor is a lot of time away from you. Better to get used to this and learn to effectively deal with it while he's still in his residency, hopefully before this becomes very problematic for you and your relationship with him. I fear that developing artificial "hobbies" to distract you from this core issue is just not going to work in the long run.

To that end, I think the best "self-improvement project" you can embark upon would be to talk to a professional who may be better able to equip you with more effective coping strategies.

-Skip

 

[brotherbloat]

My husband's calls seem to vary depending on what rotation he's on. So it's different every month.

I guess I've never really looked into why I feel lonely when I'm home alone--I just do. Wouldn't you feel lonely if you didn't have any friends in your city who you could call or go out with when your spouse was on call, especially weekend call when he's gone all day Saturday and all night too?

Sure, I can hang out and read, work on art, or whatnot at home or something, but I love going out, and I'm not about to go out to a nice restaurant and a movie on a Saturday ngiht by myself--during the day, sure. But at night would feel weird.

I feel lonely when he's home sometimes too, because he pretty much studies when he's home and doesn't interact very much with me. Yes, I knew what I was getting into marrying a Dr., and we had been living together already before we got married, but time hasn't helped the lonliness problem.

I don't have abandonmnet issues, I know he's going to come home the next day, I just get lonely, pure and simple. Is this unusal? I wouldn't think so.

 

[Skip Intro]

It's just that I get the sense that you are "cheating" and trying to get free therapy on this forum... nothing (necessarily) wrong with that, but I just don't think you're going to get the answers that will ultimately satisfy you.

As far as your feelings of loneliness, it's natural to want to be around those whom you love and want near all the time. And, it's obvious you know that part of the deal of marrying your husband was that there were going to be times like these. I applaud you for trying to come up with ideas of things to do to distract you from your loneliness, but (again) I think that they're likely to be just that - only a distraction. I'd try to get at the root of why you feel so lonely when he's not around.

I guess I've never really looked into why I feel lonely when I'm home alone--I just do.

I think that's the key right there, and something that talking to someone who can give you unbiased, professional feedback may help you work through that. You seem to pride yourself as someone who is very self-aware, but sometimes even the most self-aware of people can benefit from a disinterested observer who can perhaps give you some new perspectives on why you might feel the way you do.

Of course, it's natural to want to have friends to go do stuff with. And, it may just be that simple of a solution. But, the question is why are you sitting home wallowing in your loneliness instead of going out and trying to make friends? I've read a few of your posts, and it seems that people are offering some good suggestions (e.g., joining the spousal support groups at the hospital, joining clubs, etc.). Are you taking any of that advice? If not, why not? Are you shy? Are you embarrassed that you might not "fit in" or something if you go? I think you should just go for it, if you think that would help. You never know who you might meet.

Wouldn't you feel lonely if you didn't have any friends in your city who you could call or go out with when your spouse was on call, especially weekend call when he's gone all day Saturday and all night too?

Well, I think it's natural to want to have friends. But, I'm not sure that I have ever felt such a "loneliness" to the extent that would compel me to post on an Internet forum. Many people would feel envious that you actually have someone in your life who comes home and is there when he's not on call, instead of wanting to go out with the boys (etc.). It's not like you are completely alone in some small town somewhere where no one is there to support you at all. This leads me to believe that you are, in some veiled way, asking for more help than people here can really give you.

Again, I'm not trying to suggest that there's anything "wrong" with you or the like. I just want you to try to better understand the root cause of this loneliness feeling, especially since I am reading your posts with the consideration that I have a lot of female friends who would be very jealous of you having a doctor for a husband who is there at all. I don't think many would understand these excessive feelings of loneliness you describe... which I would probably better characterize as boredom perhaps mixed with a little a touch of obsessive self-centeredness (sorry if that stings a bit; just my random observation - don't take it too personally). You want to be entertained and have some sense of comraderie and friendship with other people, and there's nothing wrong with that. You just can't necessarily expect to have that all the time. You're going to have to make some sacrifices being married to a doctor. This is a reality that a lot of women (and men) can't fully grasp until they are actually married to a doctor and have to live it. It's also one of the reasons why physicians have a higher-than-average divorce rate.

So, in closing, it's not that your perceived loneliness is unreasonable or anything; it's a feeling. It's easier to change thoughts and behaviors than it is feelings, and I'm suggesting that you might want to talk to a professional who may be able to help you "redirect" your thoughts and behaviors which may also help assuage this loneliness that you feel, as well as help you to better understand why exactly you've been feeling "lonely" (as you describe it).



-Skip

 

[adennis]

All this is very interesting.. as I'm the medical person and my husband is the widower... He's mentioned things like this before.. about being lonely when I'm there and when I'm gone or studying or whatever.. and honestly I've never understood it... it's not that I don't WANT to spend time with him.. .it's that I can't...

I, personally, would feel better if he would find something else to do like a hobby or something.. that would keep him occupied... because if he was occupied, then he wouldn't be waiting on me and able to obsess about his alone-ness...maybe that's a wrong approach to take.. but it's the one that's been in my head for a while....

very interesting...

 

[brotherbloat]

Hello,

There is no way I can afford to see a therapist, I am unemployed and have bare bones health insurance. And as for the remark about being self-centered, that is very saddening to me. These forums are for getting others' feedback and ideas, and if that makes me sound self-centered, then I apologize.

I have a made a huge effort to try and meet people. Even my husband has repeatedly said that he's very proud of what I've been doing to try to meet people. I've met about 15 women off Craig's List who posted ads looking for friends/ I posted as well. But none of them have turned into anything more than a coffee once in awhile, which isn't what I'm looking for. In addition, I started a women's cooking club through Craig's List, which will meet for the first time next week, maybe that will be promising. I also volunteer on the weekends, but the place I volunteer at attracts mostly senior citizens, it appeaars. I also take a group guitar class, but no friends from there yet. But making friends is harder than it might look--much harder!

I'm unemployed (looking), I'm not currently in school, and I live in an area made up mostly of old people (my building and my neighborhood.) I wish it were as easy as someone in my yoga class coming up to me and saying, "would you like to get some coffee?" Because whenever I go up to people and say things like that either they always say they're too "crazy busy" with their "hectic" lives to do stuff like that right now, or we do go and it's a one-time deal, because I get the sense they're not in the market for new friends. I feel like the only one who's not "crazy busy"--I never really have any plans, and I'm pretty much always doing stuff out alone. And man, I really hate that term! So for the person who said I'm sitting home wallowing, I think that's hardly the case. My husband's residency program does not have any kind of spousal support group, and I really don't feel like being the person to start one. So I have taken people's advice--it's what I've been doing for the past two years since I moved here to try and meet people, but making a good effort sometimes just isn't enough, and I don't know what is. I don't expect to be hanging out with friends all of the time--but right now it's _none_ of the time, and I'd like it to be some of the time.

I am very thankful that my husband does not go out "with the boys" when he's not working. However, I do wish we could spend some more quality time together. Either he's asleep on the couch out of exhaustion when he's home or studying. I often feel left out in the cold.

 

[Skip Intro]

And as for the remark about being self-centered, that is very saddening to me. These forums are for getting others' feedback and ideas, and if that makes me sound self-centered, then I apologize.

No need to apologize. It's just an observation. I qualified it by saying you seemed a little self-centered... which, in retrospect, probably wasn't an adequate word. Perhaps... a touch on the self-absorbed side is a better descriptor.

I have a made a huge effort to try and meet people. Even my husband has repeatedly said that he's very proud of what I've been doing to try to meet people.

Well, I don't 100% believe you. Or, maybe you're making TOO much of an effort. You know, people can smell anxiousness and desperation from a mile away. And, if you're meeting a new woman and "dumping" on her within a short time of making her acquaintance (not necessarily saying that you are, but it wouldn't surprise me based on your style of extreme openness on this forum) that can tend to scare people away.

I've met about 15 women off Craig's List who posted ads looking for friends/ I posted as well. But none of them have turned into anything more than a coffee once in awhile, which isn't what I'm looking for.

First off, if you are in a town that has a Craigslist, I can't feel that bad for you. If you told me you were in Dubuque or Fargo, on the other hand, I might have a tad more sympathy. Furthermore, you've met 15 women through Craigslist and you can't seem to meet-up more than once or twice? Maybe what I said above is partly true... just tossing out ideas here.

In addition, I started a women's cooking club through Craig's List, which will meet for the first time next week, maybe that will be promising.

Promising indeed... good luck...

I also volunteer on the weekends, but the place I volunteer at attracts mostly senior citizens, it appeaars.

Good to volunteer... nothing wrong with having a few "old fogie" friends too...

I also take a group guitar class, but no friends from there yet. But making friends is harder than it might look--much harder!

Continue to be patient.

I'm unemployed (looking), I'm not currently in school, and I live in an area made up mostly of old people (my building and my neighborhood.)

Well, this is a self-esteem killer, for sure. And, where you live is where you eat and lay your head on the pillow. Continue your efforts not to become a shut-in.

I wish it were as easy as someone in my yoga class coming up to me and saying, "would you like to get some coffee?" Because whenever I go up to people and say things like that either they always say they're too "crazy busy" with their "hectic" lives to do stuff like that right now, or we do go and it's a one-time deal, because I get the sense they're not in the market for new friends.

Perhaps you need to take it slower? It's hard to approach people - especially strangers - and strike up a conversation or make a friend, especially if there's no context. Do what a lot of guys do when they want to get to know a woman better and show them that they are not a "threat" or anything. Find something unusual and comment on it one time, saying nothing more. Don't say something like, "That's a nice necklace you have. Want to go get coffee?" or she's going to think you're a raging lezbo looking to score. Just ease into getting to know someone. This is SO much easier, especially if you know you're going to see them again at Yoga class. You can very easily develop a context. You just got to find your "in" and develop it slowly. If you go too fast, you're going to scare people off.

And, don't dump. Don't find someone who is willing to meet you out and immediately start emotionally unloading on them. There are no "insta-friends" in this world. Friendships take time and common ground to develop. You may just be having false expectations of how fast you think another woman is going to "bond" with you because you appear to be in an especially needy place right now. Give friendships time to develop. Mention that your husband is a doctor. See if you can go out together as couples. Etc., etc.

You may be both trying too hard and not trying hard enough at the same time.

I feel like the only one who's not "crazy busy"--I never really have any plans, and I'm pretty much always doing stuff out alone. And man, I really hate that term! So for the person who said I'm sitting home wallowing, I think that's hardly the case.

You're wallowing right now.

My husband's residency program does not have any kind of spousal support group, and I really don't feel like being the person to start one.

Fine. At least one other great opportunity lost. Or, are you just afraid it will be a failure? No one will show up? Someone "better" than you will take it over once you get it started? What's the real issue here?

So I have taken people's advice--it's what I've been doing for the past two years since I moved here to try and meet people, but making a good effort sometimes just isn't enough, and I don't know what is. I don't expect to be hanging out with friends all of the time--but right now it's _none_ of the time, and I'd like it to be some of the time.

If you are being honest with us and - more importantly - yourself here, you're obviously doing it wrong then. If you live in a city with a Craigslist, then I can't feel sorry for you because that means that there are tons of people around. You gotta change your approach, your expectations, your methodology... something. Because, it isn't the town you live in.

I am very thankful that my husband does not go out "with the boys" when he's not working. However, I do wish we could spend some more quality time together. Either he's asleep on the couch out of exhaustion when he's home or studying. I often feel left out in the cold.

Again, that's part of the deal with being married to a doctor. You need to tell him that, although he's tired, he's got to make an effort to make your marriage a happy marriage too. And, part of this is sucking it up and going out with you on the weekends instead of lazing on the couch. You have to have your time together, and perhaps there are other couples in his program that you can do stuff with.

If you make these efforts and it still isn't working, then I have to say that you gotta look at what you're doing to scare people off. I've given you some additional ideas above, and I'm not suggesting that you need to change the core of who you are as a person. But, if you're doing the same things over and over again and getting the same results, I gotta a hint for you: it's not "everyone else" who's got the problems.

I have single and married female friends who have great social lives, both together with their husbands and (in the case of the unmarried ones) alone with their girlfriends. The common theme these women have is that they aren't so self-absorbed when they are around others. They are engaging. They are outwardly directed and make the people around them feel special. They don't focus on having people in their life solely to make themselves feel better. They enrich the lives of those around them. In fact, one of these female friends is married to a PGY-3 Urology resident who, I can assure you, works every bit as much as your husband. They have a two-year-old, and they STILL make an effort to do stuff together as a couple and with their adult friends. They may be abnormally high-functioning people in that regard, but they make it work. And, a big part of that is her husband's (my friend's) willingness to still do things even when he's exhausted.

So, I'm not going to buy-in to your pity party. I'm sorry if that offends you. There are a lot of people who have it a lot worse than you. Unless you are a troll who lives under a bridge and is so hideous that you scare small children, I refuse to believe that you can't make friends... and, even then, I bet that troll could make a friend or two if she made the effort to be an outwardly directed, non-emotional-black-hole that I surmise that you currently are in your sad state of affairs.

Sorry, as well, if I'm being a little tough with you. I don't know you and I'm not even going to pretend that I can analyze everything about you on this forum, but I have seen your wallowing-in-self-pity type before. You are your own worst enemy. You sabotage relationships with your excessive neediness before they can even get started, and then you stand there and scratch your head as you see asses and elbows beating a hasty retreat from your presence.

Learn the meaning of this word: blithe. Practice being that way when you meet someone. Smile a lot. Don't give the impression that you are looking for a victim to unload your emotional baggage on. Don't be overeager. Just relax. Focus on being THEIR friend first.

You'll be surprised at the results. This is simple stuff that most of us learned in first grade, but many forget after we supposedly grew up.

-Skip

 

[brotherbloat]

Hello there,

I appreciate all of your advice, skip, I really do and I think you've said some very insightful things. Are you going into psych, by any chance, cuz you'd be good at it!!! There's a lot of good stuff in your above post, and I have really wondered why it is that I've met so many people off Craig's List, made a good effort in the past year since I first discovered it, but except for one woman (who over the course of a year I guess I could slowly consider to call an acquaintance/ friend), haven't met anyone else to hang out with. I really don't know why that is. The interesting thing is, we'll have lucnh/coffee after emailing for about a week or two, and after the outing, the other person always says what a great time they had, then even takes the initiative to email me a chatty email telling me what a great time they had and how they can't wait to hang out again. Why would they take this extra step, which they almost always do, if they didn't think I had good friend potential? Then, I nver hear from then again, or maybe 6 weeks later we do another coffee and that's it. The timeline of my Craig's List activities. Weird.


I think Craig's List is a tremendous service, I really do, and I've met a ton of interesting people off it. But with such confusing feedback from them, I'm confused myself as to what is going on. As additional info, I hardly think I "unload" on them--quite the contrary, I don't feel comfortable discussing any of these things I've said on this board in "real life"--thus, why I mention them here. I do mention that I'm "in-between jobs" but I leave it at that, and don't get into it. Furthermore, when I discuss my hobbies and interests, most of them always say that I sound interesting--not sad, lonely, or desperate.

Additioanlly, not one of these "potential friends" knows that my husband is a dr., because actually I always try to hide that (the reason being, I've received way too supposedly well-meaning comments like: "why don't you just stop looking for a job b/c your husband will be making a lot of money soon--just be a housewife" which infuriates me!!!!") So I have yet to come out and tell any of these people what my husband does, no one asks, so I don't volunteer. So when I don't mention his occupation, none of this other lonliness stuff comes up, either.

Plus, most of my CL potential friends always starts out their intro email to me talking about how hard it is to make friends when you're older. And yes, I say, I agree. B/c it is. So already I feel like we're coming from a similar place.

I don't know what it is about me that's "scaring people off." It could very well to being too eager. It's not like I ask them out for a dinner, dessert, and movie on our first get together (usually it's an afternoon coffee or Sunday brunch, something more casual). But when I'm excited about getting to know someone, I guess it's hard to hide that. But I always try to keep it "light"--the conversation that is.

And no, I don't have friends for a self-centered reason, I genuinely like people and want to get to know them for themselves, not as a means for my own end. In fact, I often get compliments from others telling them that I have a good way of interacting. One colleague at my last job told me that "I'm the nicest person she knows." So if I have a conversational/ relating problem to others, I'm not sure what it could be. And I think my physical appearance is just fine.

I wish someone could tell me. But how can I find out something like this without spending money which I don't have for a therapist? I have asked my old college friends their opinions, and I think they're being honest when they say they really don't know.

Hmmmm. Not sure what to do but try to be less eager, I guess. But it's hard to do when I have no one to hang with and truly am so eager to make a friend.......

Thanks,

Bloat

 

[samenewme]

One last thing--don't sell the old people short. One of my good friends became a housewife in a town with few of them, and joined the homemakers' club to find most of the women in it were retirement age. She made a couple of treasured friends there.