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currentlyTorn

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Just as the title reads, I'm wondering if anyone else has been in a similar position and how they responded.
My entire life, I've had the desire to become a doctor. Honestly, I never really struggled in this path until it came time to write my personal statement. To pinpoint any reason for going into medicine was nearly impossible for me, and asking me to expand upon that reason was tortuous. I persevered, however, and am currently accepted to multiple schools. Upon receiving these acceptances, I didn't feel excited or happy or any positive emotion you can think of. I just felt dread at the thought of all the debt accumulating (already $60,000+ from undergrad). Dread at the thought of not being able to spend as much time with my future family as I desire (I understand that primary care is generally a little more flexible with this, but the work is still incredibly demanding and it's not the same as simply having a 9-5 and forgetting about work when you get home). When I look back at my academic career, I'm realizing that I never enjoyed biology (including A&P, although mine did not touch on MSK at all) or anything that involved memorization (5+ concussions in the past, they make it difficult for me to straight up memorize things), I always wanted to do math and other applied sciences. Lastly, I feel dread at the thought of letting down my future patients. To perform every action you're supposed to do and still not achieve the desired outcome sounds haunting (I'm very results oriented).
With all that being said, I am going back and forth because I there are aspects of medicine I thoroughly enjoy. I currently work as a medical assistant, and I love seeing the patients who come back feeling better. I love that patients are willing to trust me with their care; it's a connection I can't quite describe, but one that I have not been able to replicate in other relationships. I love the challenge that comes with medicine and having to constantly learn to best treat patients. I've never seriously imagined myself doing anything else until now, and I'm not sure if it's the pre medical school jitters, or if COVID-19 has really ingrained in me just how much physicians are expected to sacrifice for everyone else.
I'm really just looking for insight from those who have been here before.

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Upon receiving these acceptances, I didn't feel excited or happy or any positive emotion you can think of.

This is a bad sign.

I think most people, myself included, spent a week on cloud 9 once we learned we would be doctors.
 
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As someone who just got into med school myself, let me say that I think your introspection is a good thing. Yes, medicine involves sacrifices. There will be role strain and role conflict we will have to grapple with and many times when we don't get to spend as much time with our families as we would like. To varying degrees, this is true of many other jobs as well.

Performance anxiety is another factor and is quite normal. I don't enjoy memorization either, but remember that it is a means to an end -- to help us better care for the patients who you very much enjoy seeing and watching improve.

Also, you might find a way to incorporate math in medicine too. Think of epidemiology and the like.
 
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