Tips for Americans to Live Longer During the Coronavirus Outbreak

[docB]

As Emergency Physicians most of us have had patients come to the ED dreadfully afraid that they have contracted Coronavirus COVID-19. This concern is understandable as many Americans are unable to discern the difference between China, the country, and Chyna, the wrestler. The American news media has patriotically leapt into the breech to inform the public that panic is called for. Our gallant media is now struggling under the weight of crippling ad revenue and rampant click through fees to inform the already apoplectic public.

In order to shamelessly jump on this bandwagon (Celebrity reveals shocking trick about something!!! Puppies. Trump.) I give you Emergency Doctor Tips to Survive Coronavirus:

• Stop doing meth.
• With, or without, a surgical mask, get some walking in.
• Assemble a box of survival supplies, about 25 pounds. Lift this box 100 times per day in sets of 20 reps at a time.
• Coronavirus is a virus as is the tobacco mosaic virus. Stop using tobacco.
• All victims of coronavirus have eaten fat at some point. Limit your fat intake.
• Drink less booze.
• If you are pregnant get prenatal care and follow your OBs advice about coronavirus (sorry OBs but it got them to show up didn’t it. Welcome to our world.).
• My guru and some famous people said there may be some crossover immunity from standard vaccinations and coronavirus. Since vaccination decisions are now delegated to pseudoscientists and celebrities you should vaccinate.
• Quit doing heroin.
• Don’t text and drive.

And there you have it. These weird tricks are the best ways for Americans to combat the coronavirus outbreak, erectile dysfunction, Trump passes refinance law, investment opportunities for *****s

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[Birdstrike]

As Emergency Physicians most of us have had patients come to the ED dreadfully afraid that they have contracted Coronavirus COVID-19. This concern is understandable as many Americans are unable to discern the difference between China, the country, and Chyna, the wrestler. The American news media has patriotically leapt into the breech to inform the public that panic is called for. Our gallant media is now struggling under the weight of crippling ad revenue and rampant click through fees to inform the already apoplectic public.

In order to shamelessly jump on this bandwagon (Celebrity reveals shocking trick about something!!! Puppies. Trump.) I give you Emergency Doctor Tips to Survive Coronavirus:

• Stop doing meth.
• With, or without, a surgical mask, get some walking in.
• Assemble a box of survival supplies, about 25 pounds. Lift this box 100 times per day in sets of 20 reps at a time.
• Coronavirus is a virus as is the tobacco mosaic virus. Stop using tobacco.
• All victims of coronavirus have eaten fat at some point. Limit your fat intake.
• Drink less booze.
• If you are pregnant get prenatal care and follow your OBs advice about coronavirus (sorry OBs but it got them to show up didn’t it. Welcome to our world.).
• My guru and some famous people said there may be some crossover immunity from standard vaccinations and coronavirus. Since vaccination decisions are now delegated to pseudoscientists and celebrities you should vaccinate.
• Quit doing heroin.
• Don’t text and drive.

And there you have it. These weird tricks are the best ways for Americans to combat the coronavirus outbreak, erectile dysfunction, Trump passes refinance law, investment opportunities for *****s

I would also add, "Wear your seatbelt. I swear it won't kill you, like it did 'that one guy.'"

 

[NYEMMED]

I would also add, "Wear your seatbelt. I swear it won't kill you, like it did 'that one guy.'"

I don’t know. My patient a few nights ago told me he heard on the news seatbelts cause more injuries.... while he was there for a rollover mvc with multiple spinal fractures....

 

[SXMMD]

I would add an apple a day keeps the doctor away

 

[deleted245139]

And to that end my new side gig is an apple cart outside of my dept

 

[killerleaf]

thank you! I needed this today...

 

[GeneralVeers]

A definitive cure for the early symptoms of Coronavirus (cough, congestion) is a 4-hour wait in the Emergency Department lobby breathing in the medicated air. No, we aren't ignoring you, we just want to help you!

 

[ShockIndex]

This reminds me of ShockIndex’s Rules for Staying off the Trauma Service:

1) Don’t drink and drive.
2) Wear a seat belt.
3) Don’t use or sell drugs, and don’t associate with those who do.
4) Go home sober at midnight
5) Don’t ride motorcycles or ATVs
6) Don’t cheat on your spouse or with someone else’s.
7) Don’t climb ladders, trees, or roofs that are more than your height if you are healthy and under age 65; don’t even climb a foot stool if you are over age 65 or anticoagulated
6) Don’t mess with industrial current unless you are a trained electrician
7) Never use gasoline as an accelerant
8) Don’t mess with power saws unless you are properly trained and using all safety equipment (push block, eye pro, etc)
9) Follow the 4 Basic Rules of Firearm Safety; guns and booze don’t mix

 

[Lubeckd]

anyone know what to order in terms of food/medicine before it runs out?