The Clash - Should I Stay or Should I go?

[DoctormomRN]

IDuring my undergraduate work and teaching overseas, I was introduced to medicine and all it could do to alleviate suffering especially in underserved countries and communities. I fell in love with surgery in central India. I was determined to return to the states and pursue medicine incorporating it into my undergraduate degree and medical mission work. Since my undergrad was a bachelor of arts and the bio-chem sciences had been an uphill battle in high school, I started with a nursing degree to be sure I could even do it. With great joy I became graduated, and I have enjoyed several wonderful years as a registered nurse, but the dream, the goal, was to apply one day to medical school.

When I met my husband I was in nursing school, and graduated the first year of our marriage. I made it very clear to him what I wanted to do with my life and he understood from the beginning my heart and passion, but the emotions of love lets us hear what we want to hear sometimes. A few years ago I put my daughter on the school bus with her brothers for first grade and realized I had finally reached a window in time where I could go back to school and fulfill my dreams and calling of attending medical school and becoming a a surgeon.

When I approached my husband he was supportive in word but when it came to taking all the pre-med classes, the physician shadowing and studying for the MCAT he put up hurdles for me at every turn. I felt he had grown accustom to all that I provided for the kids and the home over the years and when it was his turn he was selfish, constantly be-litteling my successes, pessimistic about my chances, making me feel guilty for him having to do dishes or laundry, if I stayed late for a lab and he had to take the kids to sports or piano or whatever, seriously Biochemistry was easier than living with him. He broke my heart the way he treated me. I did this all working full time as a nurse because he did not want to live without my salary.

Despite the uneccessary hardship he made it for me, I completed the pre-requisites, took the MCAT and applied to medical school. Joy of all joys, I was accepted! Everyone was excited for me, my children were so proud and my father and sister beaming, but my husband acted as if he had been diagnosed with cancer. Over the years, we put my husband's career first, I stayed home when the kids were sick using my PTO for them, I took them to day care before and after work, I took days off for field trips and doctors appointments and sports, I took the crappy night shift jobs in the hospital and crazy clinics to support his schedule and the kids. We abused my work and career so he could appear stable and rise in his Engineering Career. He enjoys a wonderful position with a very generous salary and the respect of his discipline. We even put him through a 2nd Master's degree in Business.

I have often said I would do it all over again because I love him and the kids, but in my mind it was also with the understanding that I had not fulfilled my dreams. After all I had given so much to support my husbands career and putting the kids through a private school on my salary, vacations, beautiful birthdays and Christmases, I had given them everything I had, it was my turn. Not in a selfish way, but in a role model for my children that motherhood is a season, I am more than a mom, my kids are not an idol in my life, I have dreams and they will have dreams and supporting the one you love is paramount. That you're never too late to follow your dreams.

In my case, that seems to be a big part of the issue. My husband accepted the debt and lifestyle for his career, but he says he's too old and too tired and can not accept the debt and time it will take for me to finish med school and pay back the loans for my dreams. Basically the juice is not worth the squeeze now that we are a little older. I'm the first one to say life is not fair, but this is selfish to me and I'm hurt. I've done my research and there are MANY medical school graduates my age, many residencies pay off significant portions of med school loans to attract you. I even earned a very significant lifetime achievement scholarship for my nursing years, but this has not moved my husband.

As the start date of medical school approaches for this August, I am at a cross roads. He has asked me why I can not be content with what we have and why do I have to do this to our family. I've tried to explain to him that this is about a calling on my life that has never left me, a personal goal, supporting me would be an expression of gratitude for all the years we struggled for him... but he never really dreamed my dreams, and can only see how it changes his vision of our next 25 years. I have always said that my family comes first, and I did put my family first. Is there ever a season when your family should hold you up, support you first? I think there is.

I have appealed to my husband on the knowledge that I love him, that I am not leaving him, that i will still put our family first, that we can have different visions and compromise, but still he does not support me going. I have offered to take the two youngest kids still at home with me so his load is lifted, I have offered for him to come withe me, nothing works for him. I came to the conclusion that I can not fight him while going to medical school. If the post-bac pre med courses were any indication, If I go, I am sunk before I start because medical school has even more time demands. My personal convictions have me in prayer and seeking counsel. If I stay, I just don't know how to begin again with him, the years would be tainted with regret and resentment.

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[TragicalDrFaust]

I’m sorry I have no specific advice for this situation. But your goals are worthy and you deserve to have a supportive partner. It seems like you’ve supported your family no matter what. And it seems like your husband has gotten to pursue his goals. You deserve to be able to do that too.

Realistically though, it doesn’t seem like you’ll get the full support of your husband. How much peace in your relationship are you willing to sacrifice for the goal of medical school?

 

[GoSpursGo]

This is very difficult. It is so important for a couple to be aligned and talk through these plans before embarking on this path, but it becomes impossible when one partner reneges on the plan.

Ultimately, it seems like your dream and his dream are incompatible. Whether it is worth pursuing your dream and dealing with the fallout from that decision is ultimately a choice that only you can make based on your values. I do think a few pieces of information would be helpful to consider: is this a US MD/DO school? Is the school in your current town/city, or would you have to move? If you have to move, would the entire family have to move or would you be long-distance? Can your husband keep his job if you have to move?

None of those questions by itself should determine your course of action by itself, but it would help frame just how much you and your family would have to sacrifice to realize your dream.

 

[that redhead]

If you do go, you fulfill a lifelong dream that was agreed upon by both parties a long time ago. You further yourself as a professional and satisfy a personal desire to help people. My question is: what about your current career doesn’t fulfill your professional aspirations? What does medical school/becoming a physician add? It also is a huge draw on time and money. It is a long haul that would be disruptive to your family in the best of times. This is not the best of times.

On the other hand, if you don’t go, you give in to your husband, who has unfortunately now shown you his true colors. He doesn’t think that your career goals and personal dreams are worth more than what he wants, which is a stable family life in which he is catered to as the alpha male, bread-winner/provider who also conveniently leans on his wife for financial support too. He sounds like a real keeper…While I do understand his perspective of not wanting to upset his idyllic world, it isn’t fair or kind of him to pull this out now, after your acceptance. I imagine he was banking on you not being accepted, which is a crappy way to be about your spouse.

So to me the question “should I stay or should I go” isn’t about medical school, but your marriage.

 

[Bonne Nuit]

Marital counseling, NOW. If your husband refuses to go, find your own therapist and go by yourself.

Congratulations on your hard-earned medical school acceptance, and I am so sorry you are going through this. The way you've described your husband's behavior (belittling, guilt-tripping, sabotage) is clearly hurting you, it may even constitute emotional abuse, and it is entirely unacceptable. I hope you find some peace.

 

[TN_Landlord]

Not many people can do what you did; getting accepted to medical school while working a stressful job as a nurse and raising kids. This is an enormous success but you can't even celebrate it because your husband is thinking of himself first rather than being supportive of your career goals.

This kind of opportunity happens once in a life time. If you let it go in order to please your husband, you'll resent it for the rest of your life. This is a big crack in your marriage. Even if you think you can get passed it, you'll be constantly reminded of it at work. The next time you interact with a resident, you'll say to yourself that it could have been you. You'll be unhappy by giving away such a big dream for your husband's happiness so he doesn't lose the comforts of his life. And, imagine what kind of role model you'll be to your kids if you forego your dreams for your husband.

However, if you chose to go, it won't be easy, either. But for once you'll put your happiness first. Your husband may decide to support you in your endeavor once he sees your determination, or he may decide to separate. Then, you'll know how much he actually cares about you and your dreams.

 

[Dr Meow]

You're amazing.

Idk the answer, but what you are doing is amazingly powerful.

Self anecdote:
To me, my dreams are everything. It is my self identity. It is who I am. Everyone may betray you: family, friends, and even children, but the only one that has stood by you since you were born, is yourself. That subconscious calling from deep within is your true self. Denying and betraying my true self has resulted in severe consequences for myself. Once someone loses themselves, they may never recover. What's the point of life then? My parents do not support my mission of curing aging, a goal I've now had for 13 years. But this is my life, not theirs. I cannot die knowing that I did not try. It is the reason I wake up every day. I cannot live without this dream. And I will not make compromises for anything that hinders the achievement of this dream.

Main advice I can offer is to consider the strength of your dream. How long have you had it? How strong is it? How will you feel if you don't pursue it? And weigh that against the sacrifices you will make to achieve that dream? Which is stronger? Consider it from your own fulfilment. Too many people in this world die unfulfilled. Are you ok with being another on that statistic? Consider whether being a doctor will result in fulfilment.

It appears that your biggest cost out of this may be your marriage as your husband appears satisfied after accomplishing his goal first. But he may be willing to compromise if placed in an enviornment where he is forced to think longer than something like a 10 second kitchen conversation or a car ride. You may need a counseler to mediate the talk. Afterall, that is the key in a successful marriage I think - tolerance and compromise.

 

[petomed]

Congratulations on your acceptance to medical school! This is a very challenging problem to resolve.

If you go to medical school without the full support of your spouse, your marriage could very quickly unravel. This translates to your children growing up with a loveless household if you remain married, or with divorced/remarried parents. Either route will be an enormous stressor for you and you may not even be successful in completing medical school or residency because of these external forces.

If you don’t attend medical school after having very successfully shown you can handle it, then you will likely regret that decision forever. You will resent your spouse so much and this may doom your marriage just as easily as if you had chosen to attend medical school. Then the aforementioned situation repeats for your kids.

But everything isn’t guaranteed bad. You may end up meeting someone new that can raise your children during the long hours of your training and new career. Remember that medical school (4 yrs) and residency, in your case surgery residency (5+1 for fellowship), will claim an all-consuming 4+6=10 years of your life. Your kids will be teenagers by then and your absence means your ex-husband and you/his potential new significant other will be raising those kids during the important 10 years.

Kids are wonderful but they complicate things because we want the best for our children. I say that as a 30+ nontrad father of two who’s about to begin medical school myself this year. I’ve read numerous inspirational stories here on sdn about people like us who’ve managed medical school, but always with the support of their spouse, or a dedicated person (or village) who stands in for them. Remove the kids from the situation and you’re fine. Keep the kids and either you or them are losing in the end.

My suggestion is to treat the root cause here first: your husband. You mentioned how unsupportive he’s been this whole time. Those were really big red flags but you continued on with the premed work to see if you had what it takes, I totally get that. He’s an engineer, as was I in my former career, so I venture to guess he looked into what life is like for the spouse of a premed long ago, because that’s what I would’ve done, and he didn’t like what he saw coming his way.

Someone mentioned on this thread pursuing marriage therapy. I definitely recommend trying that. The reality though is that he will need to be convinced that dedicating all of his free time toward a successful household so that you can pursue your dreams is worth it for himself, your marriage, and your family. He’s either already been made aware of what will be required of him (which you’ve eluded to) or he doesn’t yet fully understand. Then with that understanding, he either has weighed what’s at stake (the marriage, the kids) or he hasn’t. More informed decisions can be made once it’s clearly communicated exactly how life will change and what’s at stake.

Have you done this evaluation yourself? For example, who gets the kids in a divorce if you decide not to attend medical school? Is it feasible for you to have custody if you do attend school, given his good salary and m-f 9-5 job vs. you being a student with long hours and no income? Would you be ok with potentially losing the kids to fulfill this dream?

Once your spouse knows what’s at stake you can brainstorm alternatives if you do truly love each other and are able to understand and respect each perspective. For example, is it possible for you two to afford a housekeeper to alleviate the burden of cleaning? Can you order food most nights instead of someone needing to prep, cook, and clean up afterwards? Can your family and friends support your kids in your absence so that, in concert with the hired help, your husband’s contribution remains fairly unchanged? Would you even be ok with the above as a solution? Shooting from the hip here but if it were me, I’d do absolutely everything I could afford to do to not lose my spouse and kids AND attend medical school.

 

[SugaChelle514]

Man, your husband feels like the big villain in this picture. The discouragement in fulfilling your dreams hit hard for me. The only thing I would do was investigate why he did not want me to go?

If it is due to finances, tell him he has to trust you that your next career move will give him more free time and income, especially as a surgeon.
Try not to fight him but be really open minded as to WHY? Remove the idea that he is selfish to really get a picture of the problem.

What is he afraid of? Is it losing you to the job? Losing you in a status career? The enormous financial debt that will affect him as well? (does it have to?)Will you be moving away?

Once you understand the problem you will have a better idea how to pursue. If you still unsure please see if you can defer for one year until you figure out HOW YOU WANT to proceed.

HOWEVER!

Suppose it is any reason like the one's I would hate to hear....HIS INSECURITIES. Go to medical school!! He needs to deal with that. That had nothing to do with you. Yes, you married him, you love him, and he is the father of your children. The world does not revolve around him; he will learn to love the new you as he should or leave. But my guess is he will love the new you.

(Please bear in mind that I am also unmarried with no kids! So my advice will probably lead you to be single.)

 

[voxveritatisetlucis]

If you don’t go then you will always be bitter and it will not end well!

Maybe start documenting things now. These things can get pretty ugly.

 

[NontradICUdoc]

As an outsider, neither I or anyone else here, can know what your husband is thinking. I can only give you what I believe being a husband myself however I was in your shoes (so to speak with a lot of differences). The one thing that you need to take into consideration is living with regret and in your case, the addition of resentment. since you have worked so hard to get into medical school and if you do not go then you will regret it for the rest of your life and you will resent your husband for it which can be and probably would be the death knell of your marriage.

Again, as an outsider and a husband the only thing I can think about what your husband potentially is feeling is fear. My wife was fearful of my leaving my career and going to medical school as well. At the time, we also had children and we were leaving everything we knew to go into the unknown. I am sure that you have already done this, but sitting with your husband and hearing his concerns would be step 1. However, since you report that you want to go into surgery, you also need to be realistic about his fear going forward AFTER medical school as well. You are talking about a 5 year residency and the lifestyle of a surgical resident to boot. Those are long days, many nights, and 6 day work weeks.

When I went to medical school followed by residency and then fellowship, my wife was left to be responsible for a majority of things. Your husband would have to do the same. You are going to be studying for an incredible number of hours, be involved in surgical "club" (I put it in quotes because these tend to be the student division of the Society) and potential research all to boost your chances of going into a surgical residency and potential fellowship. That leaves a lot of questions:

1. will you be able to be involved in your kids' school (active member of the PTA or being the class mom: no. Being able to go to after school events: most likely). Put the events into your calendar. The back to school nights (I went to them all (3 kids during the start of medical school and 4 kids starting in 4th year), Parent-teacher conferences (if they were during the day I did not go. I went to all the school plays, all the milestone events, author's nights, etc. As a medical student you have more leeway than when you were a nurse.
2. Will you be able to help around the house (be the only person doing the cooking and the cleaning: certainly not. taking a mental break from studying and doing some mind numbing chores: yes and probably good for you. (I did this. I cleaned, I did dishes, and did home repairs. and since I had little kids I also bathed and changed diapers). Put on a good playlist and let your mind wander and rest from the studying.
3. Will you have intimate time with your husband (this is a big one. every healthy marriage, especially with children, need some mommy and daddy time. As unromantic as it sounds, this may need to be scheduled.) I treated medicals school like a job. From Mon-Friday 8-5pm, I was "at work" aka school. Mon-thursday, I would come home right from class and we would have a family dinner and at around 7pm, I would go to the public library and study until closing time. Then come home, tuck the kids in and then study. Friday night-Sunday afternoon I was "off" (you cannot study 24/7. you will burn out). this was family time. Saturday night was date night with the wife. Of all of my classmates, two of them were my regular babysitters (and yes, I paid them). Sunday morning, family breakfast and then when the school library opened at 1pm, I was there until late at night. The weeks that were exam time, I was studying all week and when exams were over, it was family time/cool off period.
4. Will you have time with your kids: yes, but again limited. Limited due to time of course, but also money. The public library is a great resource for free activities that likes like. ( I would go on Saturday afternoons as my library had lego time. My wife (and the other wives) would be sitting on their phones and all the dads would be building things with their children (after 15 minutes, only the dads were left with the legos, the kids lost interest). Public parks are great and even with the older kids, they can go to the library with you and study.
5. If the issue is finances, then you need to develop a budget and see if you are eligible for certain government assistance programs. With us, we applied for WIC, assistance with our electric bill, medicaid and go them all. (you will pay this back in spades when you are an attending, trust me. I cry at my Gross vs net). You will need to stop certain activities and look for free ones (there are plenty).

Once you get into residency, these things will be dramatically different. The point is, you need to sit down with your husband and ask him to open up about his concerns and his fears and then acknowledge them. And you then need to tell him your goals and ambitions and why this is important to you and he needs to listen. Finally come up with a plan of action (the above is what I did and in no way is what you should do, but you are more than welcome to use it as a starting point). If you have any other concerns, let me know.