Should I bother with relationships?

[thirdunity]

This is something that worries me.

The reality is, I may have to leave California to go to school, because not even people with *high* averages necessarily get into Cali schools. Should I bother with relationships when I don't know where I'll end up living in a few years?

The deal is, though, I'm 32 and I feel like it's unfair I should have to not settle down with somebody, being in my 30s. And I don't want to leave where my family is, especially without a mate, that thought terrifies me. I have trouble imagining anyone (especially a settled person in my own age group) would follow my school career around the country. This is probably really pointless to worry about given how far off in the future all of this is, and it's especially silly given I don't think men ever worry about these things. I don't think men worry about relationships so much, or seem to desire them as much, and they definitely don't give up career ambitions because of relationships. It seemed every guy I've ever been with, has assumed the woman would move wherever he wanted to, but would not consider moving for *her*, and would break up the relationship if it came down to it.

I've considered well, don't turn away relationships in the meantime, and if I have to move, and my partner won't move with me, then consider whether or not I want to remain in that relationship. It feels like I can't make any plans with my life for the next three years, though. My mom suggests maybe I should just move to a state where I'm more likely to get into a school, and I should settle down there.

I need some way of handling my life in the next three years so I don't go crazy. There are times I feel like my nesting urge is going to be a bigger obstacle to my academic and professional career than my GPA ever will be.

---

Members don't see this ad.

 

[Stroganoff]

Plan your career, but don't plan relationships. Just let them happen. I'm a guy and younger than you, yet I've caught myself "staying single on purpose" just because I plan on moving in a few months and don't want to get too invested.

But then the pangs of regret and that ghey quote "Better to have loved once than not at all" or whatever hits me.

Then I stop caring.

I guess just don't worry too much. Besides, women are more attractive when they're happy and don't worry, so if you stay positive no matter what, you'll be more likely to find a bf anyway. How far away from MS-1 are you? Couple years to go? I'll probably be 31-32 when I matriculate as well, but screw worrying about that now. I have a life to live.

"Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" Luke 12:25

 

[LADoc00]

This is something that worries me.
...And I don't want to leave where my family is, especially without a mate, that thought terrifies me.

Umm its not like you are going to fight in Iraq, its the dating scene not a warzone filled with IEDs and crazed jihadists!

Im your age and Im single. Its awesome. And I left my family when I was 17, so Im sure as hell you can do it at 32.

And yes men do worry as much about relationships but dont externalize it as much.

My only concern is you are 32, not starting med school in 3 years (!?) and planning a full blown med career post residency at 42 (assuming you do peds IM or FM). Dunno, I would think long and hard about that one.

PS-You will face the same issues when you apply to residency (and fellowship if you do one)....think about it.

 

[thirdunity]

LADoc,

Actually, I look at it thusly... I have a choice between being an old doctor and being old and dying and wishing I'd been a doctor. And assuming I live to my 70s or so, that's still at least 20-25 years of a career. I don't expect to retire unless I really hate my job and/or health forces me to.

I don't really know whether or not I'll ever have children. It's six to one, half dozen the other. I've been thinking I should plan so that if I DO eventually get the mommy urge, I'm not stuck without a plan, and I'm not too old to do anything about it. However, I am 32 and still have not yet had the mommy urge. I don't like the idea of feeling like because of my age, if I wanted children, I have to be in a mad dash to find a mate - being a single mom in med school/residency is NOT something I am going to attempt. I have a more left-brained/analytical personality, I am just not a very "maternal" kind of person. So realistically, it may never happen. In which case, whatever age I am when I finish med school, doesn't really matter.

The dating zone DOES feel like a warzone at times. I think many women (because we are so conscious of men, particularly successful ones, being very noncommittal; because usually we want more than just quick no-strings fun) feel like they have to go on a date wearing a flack jacket and head-to-toe kevlar. It must seem very different from the male perspective.
I can tell you though, since I've dated both men and women, I think I have a lot more sympathy for what men deal with (how about the fact that women seem to often never say a direct YES or NO? Crazymaking!) than a totally heterosexual woman does. So it would seem a lot of men have to wear the emotional flak jacket, too. It's just easier when you're really confident, able to stay detached/casual, and don't really get hung up on one or another person.

 

[LADoc00]

LADoc,

Actually, I look at it thusly... I have a choice between being an old doctor and being old and dying and wishing I'd been a doctor. And assuming I live to my 70s or so, that's still at least 20-25 years of a career. I don't expect to retire unless I really hate my job and/or health forces me to.

I don't really know whether or not I'll ever have children. It's six to one, half dozen the other. I've been thinking I should plan so that if I DO eventually get the mommy urge, I'm not stuck without a plan, and I'm not too old to do anything about it. However, I am 32 and still have not yet had the mommy urge. I don't like the idea of feeling like because of my age, if I wanted children, I have to be in a mad dash to find a mate - being a single mom in med school/residency is NOT something I am going to attempt. I have a more left-brained/analytical personality, I am just not a very "maternal" kind of person. So realistically, it may never happen. In which case, whatever age I am when I finish med school, doesn't really matter.

The dating zone DOES feel like a warzone at times. I think many women (because we are so conscious of men, particularly successful ones, being very noncommittal; because usually we want more than just quick no-strings fun) feel like they have to go on a date wearing a flack jacket and head-to-toe kevlar. It must seem very different from the male perspective.
I can tell you though, since I've dated both men and women, I think I have a lot more sympathy for what men deal with (how about the fact that women seem to often never say a direct YES or NO? Crazymaking!) than a totally heterosexual woman does. So it would seem a lot of men have to wear the emotional flak jacket, too. It's just easier when you're really confident, able to stay detached/casual, and don't really get hung up on one or another person.

I just talked to this hot female doc, very successful blond bombshell type blah blah that broke up with her artist BF and was complaining to me about having nothing to do on a Saturday night now, soooo I offered my "DeLux LADoc services". I thought that was a fairly effective way for a woman to get a date without having to actually ask someone out. Once you get to med school I would try that technique. BUT dont waste your time with your fellow med students, shoot for senior residents and junior attendings types.

That's my daily freebie for navigating the "warzone".

 

[firetown]

I really like what Dallenoff wrote: "Plan your career, but don't plan relationships. Just let them happen." You can have full control over your career but your relationship is way up in the air. That I think is the best advice for you.