residency interview angst

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delchrys

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what is your input...

my girlfriend and i have been together for over a year. she is a med student, graduating this year, and is about to begin interviewing with hospitals in her home state, my home state, and the one in-between. originally, when i brought it up, she indicated that she had been planning on asking me and that she thought it would be fun if we went together to the cities where she will be interviewing for those dates. recently, however, it came up again and she indicated that she does not want anyone to go with her to XYZ cities (and and all of them) when she travels there for her interviews. not even me.

i see major red flag action here, given that i am willing to leave my home state to go wherever she matches, give up years of life together while she plugs through a surgery residency, give up having kids earlier rather than later in life, and have to study for a state bar exam that is for a state for which i have not studied.

i'm curious what your experiences with residency interviews with your spouse/partner were, and what your gut reaction is to the scan info i've provided you here. note: i'm not asking "what should i do with my life," i'm just asking what your initial thoughts are.

thanks in advance.
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Well, what reason does she give you when asked? I agree that it sounds kinda suspicious but either way, I definitely suggest talking to her about it. Explain your feelings in a mature, well thought out way and ask her to do the same. If ya'll can't have a discussion about it, that is something else to think about in your relationship.
 
Hm. I didn't come along on any of my hubby's med school interviews despite planning to spend four years of my life whereever he ended up. Ultimately, you kind of have to grin and bear the training years, going where the program's good, and do your planning for an actual life, and a place to settle down, post-training.

On the other hand, when residency does come up in conversation, we've already talked about having me come along on interview trips, at least on the more promising/likely locations. Location will play a small part, but a part nonetheless, if only because we'll probably start a family during residency and we'll want to pay attention to neighborhoods and school systems, etc.

I guess it comes down to how you two feel about it. Talk about it. Raise the issue with her if you're uncomfortable. Figure out her motivation.
 
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Yeah, y'all need to talk (non-accusatory) about locations. My husband and I are in the middle of it, with me looking for residencies and him looking for a Post-doc or job (he'll graduate with a PhD in Biomedical Science in May). It's all about compromise!

Also, I'm not planning on taking my husband with me on most interviews. We may turn one "trip" into a small vacation, but I'm not sure yet. So traveling without your SO isn't necessarily a red flag.
 
I dont think this is necessarily a warning sign for your relationship. She may just want to be alone on the interviews, so she can think clearly about what she will say to their questions, etc. Maybe once she decides on a residency location, then, she will ask you to come along and see how the city is, etc. Just ask her what her reason is that she doesnt want you to go with her. If she doesnt really give a clear answer, then, you can ask her something like this-"Well, once you choose a residency, would you like to go visit the city together and find a place to live?" If she says NO to that question, then, I 'd think that is not a good sign.
But, from what you've said so far, I do not see any bad signs. Has anything else changed in your relationship, other than this one issue? If not, I'd seriously doubt anything is wrong.
 
I think you've got a right to have some say in the location given that you're going to be living there too. Granted, she may not match at her or your first choice location, but she should certainly take your preferences into account when drawing up her match list. Of course, location isn't the only or even the main factor in choosing a residency, especially if she's going for a competitive surgery residency, but insofar as location is a factor in the decision I think you have a right to equal say in terms of where you would like to live. I would think she should welcome your input on this, since you're basically going to be uprooting your life for her and following her wherever she matches. She should for that reason consider you and your preferences when putting together her match list. It's going to be hard for you to give your preferences if you haven't visited the places along with her. I can see, maybe, how she might view having someone along on residency interviews as a distraction--that's not how I would feel, but everyone works differently and some people really need to not be distracted when they're under pressure to perform at something important. She might feel that having you along would destroy her focus and concentration, and that's not necessarily personal--she'd probably much rather spend time with you but you ruin her focus, know what I mean? But if she doesn't want to have you come along with her on interviews, I'd think you two should visit the cities under consideration again, together, before she draws up her match list. I don't think it's necessarily a red flag that she doesn't want you to come along with her on her interviews--she may just not want to be distracted or whatever. But if she doesn't let you have significant input into the location where you're going to be spending the next 5 or more years of your life, when you're uprooting your entire life to follow her, well then yeah, I'd say that's definitely a red flag. She should consider your preferences as seriously as her own in making this decision, if you are serious enough to follow her to a different state for residency. You definitely have a right to a say--insofar as she can control where she matches--and if she won't give you that, that's a red flag. You're making a lot of sacrifices here and your preferences should be considered and weighted heavily.

Your girlfriend sounds like she's a very ambitious, driven person and a lot of the time, people like that aren't used to factoring other people and other peoples' preferences into the decisions they make. They're not used to compromising. It may just be that she hasn't really thought about or totally comprehended the degree of impact of this decision on you--she's only thinking about it as it affects her and her career prospects. You need to calmly explain to her the impact of this on you, and the degree to which this affects you too. She may just not be thinking in terms of your interests, and she may need some time to readjust her thinking to take you and your needs into account. That can be quite an adjustment when you're only used to thinking about yourself when making decisions, but it's an adjustment she needs to make if you two are this serious. It may just take her a little time to start thinking in terms of "we" rather than just in terms of "me".

Good luck with this, Delchrys. I'm sure you two will work this out.

*Oh, and sorry if I'm rambling. Just finished a brutal exam and am operating on 3 hours of sleep, so I'm probably not at my most coherent.
 
seriouly, all of you are awesome. no one got preachy, lol, which is kind of an SDN first, and you all offered excellent input! her reasons that she gives are the same as those you guys suggest--she is totally driven, used to being a solo flyer and a uber-achiever, and thus not used to factoring anyone else in (other than her immediate family, but that's another story, lol).

as to the match rankings, we are doing those as a team. she just needs to clear her head and be undistracted for the actual interviews. it made me feel badly that she didn't want me with her because i'd LOVE to have her with me if the situation were reversed, but i'm trying to realize that she sees things differently and that is not a bad thing.

yeah, definitely if she was not planning on making the match-ranking process a two-person effort, we'd have major issues, since that presumes that my career is second in importance to hers. since i'm working in medical malpractice defense (graduating from law school this july, hopefully), she might need my help some day (lol, please not), and i will be contributing at least as much to our income as she will for the first decade after we graduate. AND, since she's going for surgery, i will be the one with infinite time on my hands alone at home, so i personally would rather be in my home state (michigan) where my friends and family are, as opposed to her home state (pennsylvania) where med mal is out of control and there isn't much to do other than hide from ultra-conservatives and play computer games...either way, i'm willing to follow where she goes, as long as i'm part of the decision. besides, she'll have to rearrange HER life if and when i pursue MY medical education, if i ever choose to blow that many years on something...

thanks again, all. i wasn't sure if is should share this one, and i'm glad i did. :love:
 
Hey, PA isn't ALL bad! Just because we have Alabama in between Pittsburgh and Phila doesn't mean anything! (sorry, any Alabama people...) If you end up in Philly, there's plenty to do...although malpractice is a bi*ch, that's true... :(

delchrys said:
seriouly, all of you are awesome. no one got preachy, lol, which is kind of an SDN first, and you all offered excellent input! her reasons that she gives are the same as those you guys suggest--she is totally driven, used to being a solo flyer and a uber-achiever, and thus not used to factoring anyone else in (other than her immediate family, but that's another story, lol).

as to the match rankings, we are doing those as a team. she just needs to clear her head and be undistracted for the actual interviews. it made me feel badly that she didn't want me with her because i'd LOVE to have her with me if the situation were reversed, but i'm trying to realize that she sees things differently and that is not a bad thing.

yeah, definitely if she was not planning on making the match-ranking process a two-person effort, we'd have major issues, since that presumes that my career is second in importance to hers. since i'm working in medical malpractice defense (graduating from law school this july, hopefully), she might need my help some day (lol, please not), and i will be contributing at least as much to our income as she will for the first decade after we graduate. AND, since she's going for surgery, i will be the one with infinite time on my hands alone at home, so i personally would rather be in my home state (michigan) where my friends and family are, as opposed to her home state (pennsylvania) where med mal is out of control and there isn't much to do other than hide from ultra-conservatives and play computer games...either way, i'm willing to follow where she goes, as long as i'm part of the decision. besides, she'll have to rearrange HER life if and when i pursue MY medical education, if i ever choose to blow that many years on something...

thanks again, all. i wasn't sure if is should share this one, and i'm glad i did. :love:
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lol, PA is FINE, except that my life is here, and if i'm going to uproot it, i'd like it to be for a great reason, rather than my partner wanted to be close to her parents despite the fact that she will be so busy she will never see them for a few years.

eh, either way, life goes on. i can be an irritating dick in PA as easily as i can in MI, right? :)

besides, a year from now i might be with some hot blonde, wondering what my then ex-woman is up to...
 
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