Residency Blues?

[blastradius]

thanks for reading this and sharing your thoughts. i wrote it stream of consciousness and didn't really edit it.. i figured it would be more honest from the core. so please excuse the lack of direction.

since residency started, i just haven't felt quite like myself.
i try to remember that this is a somewhat natural response to stress.
but i am starting to not buy my reasoning.

when i'm not working, which seems rare these days, i find that i am more attracted to doing things that are high intensity... and not really investing time in relationships, in my self, or in most of the things that have brought me a sense of well being in the past.

at first it was really fun; being in a new city, meeting new people, going out all the time. but now it's getting real bizarre because i am losing touch with the things i value most. all the positive energy i had not too long ago is hard to locate now.

i have always thought that inpatient medicine is not what i would do 100% of the time. but as i feel more disconnected from myself, i am afraid that i will be sucked in to doing some random job because my creativity has evaporated.

a part of me thinks this is all so silly. i could just start working out again, eating better, being more grateful for all that i have, connecting with people who are in to the things that i used to enjoy.

there are many things that i love about residency. but the feelings of disconnection and stagnation are hard to shake. and i have the sense that things would feel a lot better if i could.. i guess i am looking for ways to accept my life situation a little more gracefully.

i really wonder what your responses will be.

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[whopper]

Your program should offer some type of mental health services that can keep your situation private from the program. Did you consider looking into that? If you don't know how to access this benefit, ask your chief or program director.

Speaking of this as a colleague, not as a mental health professional....
For myself, the entire medical education process has displaced me from people I would've otherwise stayed with. The educational process can physically put you in areas you otherwise would not have been. My college buddies, yeah we're still on facebook together, but I would've lost contact with them otherwise.

The work hours are tough as a PGY-1. I had a situation my first 2 months where one nurse got it in her head that she didn't like me (I didn't do anything to her that I know about), and poisoned several of the nurses she worked with against me.

In hindsight, and starting my PGY-2, I think I understood the situation well enough to know what it was. Pettiness. When I worked in an administrative position as Chief, I learned that the area where it happened was pretty much known for nurses pulling caddy tricks. However my first few months, especially when you don't know what the heck's going on, that type of BS can be very stressful for a PGY-1, and that's one of the reasons why she did what she did--to haze the new guy.

Moving to a new area is very stressful. Your usual supports are not there. Having a brand new job is stressful, and since its a residency, mark it up as being even more stressful. Hang in there, seek help if you think you need it.

 

[wolfvgang22]

thanks for reading this and sharing your thoughts. i wrote it stream of consciousness and didn't really edit it.. i figured it would be more honest from the core. so please excuse the lack of direction.

since residency started, i just haven't felt quite like myself.
i try to remember that this is a somewhat natural response to stress.
but i am starting to not buy my reasoning.

when i'm not working, which seems rare these days, i find that i am more attracted to doing things that are high intensity... and not really investing time in relationships, in my self, or in most of the things that have brought me a sense of well being in the past.

at first it was really fun; being in a new city, meeting new people, going out all the time. but now it's getting real bizarre because i am losing touch with the things i value most. all the positive energy i had not too long ago is hard to locate now.

i have always thought that inpatient medicine is not what i would do 100% of the time. but as i feel more disconnected from myself, i am afraid that i will be sucked in to doing some random job because my creativity has evaporated.

a part of me thinks this is all so silly. i could just start working out again, eating better, being more grateful for all that i have, connecting with people who are in to the things that i used to enjoy.

there are many things that i love about residency. but the feelings of disconnection and stagnation are hard to shake. and i have the sense that things would feel a lot better if i could.. i guess i am looking for ways to accept my life situation a little more gracefully.

i really wonder what your responses will be.

I felt exactly that way in med school, far from home. And of course, I feel some of that again in residency now some. I think you're right - that it is a natural response to being stressed and maybe even a bit overwhelmed.

You aren't the only one that feels this way. How supportive are your fellow interns? Other residents, attendings? Maybe they can help
I feel lucky in that the others in my year are supportive of each other, it really helps. We kid around and gripe privately on didactics day, it's therapeutic.

 

[Psychelle]

It's really hard to move to a new city, not to mention concurrently starting residency! I was incredibly homesick my first two years of med school, I'd lived in the same place for my whole life, I had no idea how hard it was to move away from my friends and family. Don't be afraid to reach out for support, whether from family/loved ones or professionally if need be.

 

[pvt27]

It's really hard to move to a new city, not to mention concurrently starting residency! I was incredibly homesick my first two years of med school, I'd lived in the same place for my whole life, I had no idea how hard it was to move away from my friends and family. Don't be afraid to reach out for support, whether from family/loved ones or professionally if need be.

How did you get through it? I started my first year and am far away from home and family. I like my program but just being away is very hard and emotionally tolling on me. I have lived in the same place for most of my life as well. Any advice would be appreciated. I'm just hoping it will get better.

 

[Sneezing]

You get through like you do a break up. You distract youself and wait for time to work its magic.

Try thinking about your place as your home. It helps. That way when you get off work, you think "Thank you! I'm home!" Rather than, "Dang it! I'm in the middle of nowhere with nothing of familiarity!" Find ways to bring home to you. Make certain recipes. Invest posessions or time into your place to make it more comfortable.

Locate the local 'young person' newslet that is in the local news paper. Most large cities have one. They detail music venues, live bands, bars, and other activities. A good way to find the things to get out and about for. Don't be afraid to do something alone. Sometimes you just have to go and do it. Conversely, don't be afraid to invite people to join you.

 

[dnd1007]

i guess i am looking for ways to accept my life situation a little more gracefully.

Gosh...I think I wrote this exact sentence in my own blog elsewhere.

I'm new...first post, so hey... I'm a PGY-3 psych resident now and although my program is really chill, I'm still stressed out completely. Sometimes I swear I'm going to find myself on the other side of that inpatient unit's locked door. For me it's generally because I hate office politics and I'm not really good at "playing the game", so this puts me in a not-so-great position.

Therapy. And wine. And self-help books. And one foot in front of the other.

And when that doesn't work...just scream into a pillow. LOL

You're not alone, that's for sure.

 

[Psychelle]

The biggest thing that made a difference for me was time. Little by little, I started to feel more connected to our new home. The craziest thing is that I'm back "home" now visiting... and incredibly homesick for the South! It's totally bizarre, I never thought the day would come. But my husband and I finally have what feels like a complete life there now, and I can't wait to go back to it. I have that same empty longing feeling I used to have for the Northwest and it's totally depressing, but it's kind of making me laugh too cause in the past all I ever wanted was to come back here.

After we moved I was constantly telling myself to have a better attitude and be grateful for all of the wonderful things in my life etc etc etc but there are times when there is just no way to talk yourself into being happy where you're at. To make things worse I had just gotten married and I felt like an idiot not being blissfully happy! I'm sure I drove everyone nuts comparing everything and complaining about all the stuff I hated, but luckily I emerged with some friends and I love them all the more for putting up with me.

What I've really learned about myself both in moving and during med school is that focusing on the relationships I have with other people is what makes me happy. I put a lot more effort into my friendships now, even though I'm busier than I ever was in college. I really make an effort to see the people I love in person and to have fun with them, even if that's just running through the hospital for coffee when there is 10 minutes to sneak off. I also call/email/write as much as possible, but the in-person stuff is really important I think. I feel lucky to be in a profession with so many cool, intelligent people and I've tried to be a lot more open-minded about who I make friends with. It's really important to have colleagues to commiserate with! Nobody else truly understands the special misery and humor that is medicine.

I also really focus on my interactions with patients and in making connections with them and listening to them. Patients have always been my lifeline in med school and focusing on their needs helps me break out of my grouchiness and negativity. It's totally sappy but it's what works for me.

This is really long but lastly I would say again, give it some time. And if you need some therapy and some prozac, go for it. And don't give up cause no matter how awful things feel, eventually they'll get better. I mean look at me, I'm sitting here longing for a place that feels like a wet sponge in the summer and has no recycling.

 

[beezley]

for sure being a pg-1 in a new city with two little kids no less has given me a mild adjustment disorder. I just figure that, this is about as bad as it is going to be and we are making it. I just hate that I am wishing for time to go by fast when this is the time that my kids are little. That sucks. I don't regret my kids and and I don't regret medicine but doing them simultaneously is tough. Damn those luxurious 20s spent idly working 35 hours per week, waterskiing and cooking good food!!

We will all make it through, one way or another. Just try to take good care of yourself, good sleep, a little exercise, lots of water, not too much caffiene or booze, etc.