** walks into fancy lobby or conference room entrance **
Smiling Program Coordinator: "Good morning, nice to see you!!!" **hands me folder and ID badge, takes my coat** "Now sign here, here, here, and here."
** sits down next to applicants **
Female applicants: "Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah"
Male applicants: ** mute **
Smiling Program Coordinator: "Go eat some breakfast, guys!!"
** Strawberries, pineapple, and kiwi disappear within 15 seconds. No one touches the honeydew or cantalope. 90% of the other food is a pastry with icing, raisins, roofies, and/or twizzlers on them. **
Female applicants: (while chewing) "Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah"
Program Director: "We have like THE best program ever, according to NIH / USNews / Forbes Top 10 Places to Live."
** Slideshow time **
Program Director: "We are addressing the ACGME hours by asking the residents directly! Here is our plan."
Program Director: "So what's the best part of this program? THE RESIDENTS!"
** Some random tall mute male applicant in the back falls asleep **
** 3 female applicants feverishly write down every word from the powerpoint presentation. **
Program Director: (shows flattering pictures of the program's city) "_____ is a great city to live in. And WE LOVE our sports team... except for this year, they are having a bad season but we still love them. So this season, DON'T ASK!!"
All Applicants: (in unison) ** fake LOL **
Interviewer #1: "Do you have any questions for me?"
Interviewer #2: "(insert semi-challenging question)"
Interviewer #2: "Do you have any questions for me?"
** Awesome facilities ZOMG. Let's walk up 9 flights of stairs. A girl with high heels starts crying. **
Tour Guide: "OMG I LURVE IT HERE. Everyone is so supportive. Here's our resident lounge with bumper pool table, slurpee machine, and La-Z-Boy recliner."
** Lunch consisting of some combination of bread, meat, and something green, often combined with another piece of bread to make what's called a "sandwich". **
Intern at Lunchtime: ** sits at my table ** (after 7 coffees) "This place is the best place ever. I've done 6 research projects since starting here. I love all of my residents. I got married back in September. I live in a 3 BR apartment that only costs $45 a month. I go out and get drunk 4 nights a week. I ranked this higher than my #1." ** eats 15 cookies **
** closing remarks **
Program Director: "Thank you for joining us. You don't have to send us Thank You Letters, no one reads them. You don't have to do Second Looks, it WON'T MAKE A DIFFERENCE in how we rank you. Thank You Letters can be sent to our main office. To arrange a Second Look, contact our main office. To arrange a Third Look, contact me. To arrange a Fourth or Fifth Look, find an apartment in town for a month and just show up to work for a month. Have some more coffee."
